Original subtitles

Do you think Barry Bonds deserves $90 million?

I don't know, but I'll tell you what I like about that guy.

What? His name is a sentence.

Hmm?

Barry Bonds. He does? Oh, yes. That Barry who's always bonding.

See? A man's name is a sentence.

Barry Bonds. And you're a very strange man.

There's plenty more of them out there, too, Mike.

Britney Spears.

Tom Waits.

John Waters. Come on, Mike. Get in there.

Uh, Tyra Banks?

Tyra Banks. There you go.

Leanne Rimes.

Suzanne Summers.

Shelly Winters.

Bill Withers.

W .C. Fields.

George Burns.

George Will.

George Wentz.

Jane Leaves. Charlie Rose.

Norman Fowle. Sally Struthers.

Can I get you guys anything else?

You good?

Just a checklist.

She's cute, isn't she?

Yeah, you say that every time she waits on us. She's cute every time she waits

on us. So ask for her phone number. Can't do that, Mike.

I eat her all the time. What if she says no? I won't be able to eat her anymore.

Dear, sweet, precious little Ed, how are you ever going to find yourself the

right lady if you don't start putting yourself out there?

Dude, I'm out there.

You're not out there. I'm out there. You're not out there. You're so not out

there. In no way. In no way are you out there.

Thanks. Have a nice day.

You too.

Man, that girl really tried their best, didn't she, Mike?

What do you got going today?

I'm still looking for office space, you?

Some guy tripped on Mr. Kuzunik's walk, and he's suing him for, you know... See,

he wants to hire his girlfriend to be the lawyer.

Who's that?

No idea.

Maybe you are out there.

Like I am you and you are me.

Enjoy. Hey, Kenny, can you change the radio station?

Are you kidding me? It's my favorite song.

Ghostbusters is your favorite song? Hey, nobody gets it done like Ray Parker

Jr., man.

Ed, you're up.

Ed, must throw heavy ball into funny -looking sticks.

Sorry, I was... Sorry.

You were dreaming about the mystery girl again.

Oh, you guys have been obsessing over this so -called mystery girl all night.

Come on, enough already.

Hey, if a gorgeous girl came up to you in the street and kissed you, you'd be

obsessing over it, too.

I'd be obsessing over more.

I got to get a plan.

What am I going to do about this? You can do nothing, Ed, because clearly this

poor girl is mentally unstable.

I concur.

She's a nut job.

I must say, I can see how being so beautiful might start to drive a woman a

little crazy.

Luckily, honey, it hasn't happened to you.

By which, I mean, you're totally beautiful enough to be driven crazy by

beauty, but luckily you haven't yet been driven crazy by your beauty.

I gotta know what this girl's deal is.

I'm gonna find her.

You are?

How? Well, first start, I'll go back to the scene of the crime. The pie shop.

The pie shop, exactly.

Same time, same place.

Who knows?

Maybe you'll let me strike twice.

What ungodly coffee flavor did you get yourself this morning?

Eggnog? Pumpkin pie?

Roast leg of lamb?

It is creme brulee, and it just so happens to be the best cup of coffee

ever tasted. Do you want some? No, I'll stick with just coffee, the way great

Juan Valdez intended.

Uh -huh.

Mmm.

Wow.

What's so funny?

I got you creme brulee.

What? That's creme brulee? Yes.

That's amazing.

I know.

All right.

What are you doing today after school? I think I'm done early. No, you're not.

I'm not?

No, I thought I'd put you in charge of that student TV project, the new one.

you interested?

Me?

Yeah. You want it? Well, yeah, but half the faculty wants to do that. It sounds

really cool. Well, it's yours.

Congratulations.

Thanks. But wait.

Okay, I don't know how to ask you. Are you doing this because you're my

girlfriend? Are you?

No, I'm doing this because I think you're the best person for the job.

Really? No, I'm doing it because you're my girlfriend.

that is

excuse

me

Excuse me, miss.

Miss, I'm sorry.

Um, miss.

How do?

Shirley.

I got you, buddy, yeah.

That's very funny, my regular comic genius.

Good luck finding the beautiful psychotic lady.

Excuse me?

Yeah. Excuse me, around this time yesterday, a very beautiful woman...

to me right here and kissed me. Would you by any chance have happened to see

that? No.

You sure?

Positive. He was inside all day trying to get cheese fondue off a suede coat.

was like Vietnam.

We were right outside your window, though. This woman, she was gorgeous.

about this tall, with blonde hair. She was wearing a red coat. Oh, hold it.

I think I know the lady you're talking about.

Really? Yeah, she dropped off some laundry here yesterday.

You're kidding. Oh, that's great. Look,

I've got to ask you a huge favor.

Would you let me deliver her laundry?

Yeah, okay.

But you've got to dry and fold it first. Yeah, sure.

Hi. I want to welcome everybody to the first ever meeting of SHSTV, the

Stuckyville High School Television Station.

So, over the next couple of months, you guys are going to learn how to produce,

shoot, and edit your very own television shows, and they're going to be

broadcast throughout the high school.

So, let's get started. Do you guys have any ideas?

Mark? I think Diane and I could do a great morning show together. We got this

terrific love -hate dynamic going. Oh, for God's sake.

You see? You can cut the sexual tension with a knife.

Right. That's good. Anybody else?

Warren?

Americans these days are looking to the television for something comforting.

You know, something warm and gentle and reassuring. So it is our obligation to

take them by the hand.

Maybe even shake them a little bit and say, hey, guess what?

It's going to be okay.

What did you want to do, Warren?

A show about like a talking dog or like... That's... You

guys keep brainstorming.

I'll be back. Keep talking, keep talking.

Mom, do you need something?

No, no. I just wanted to come by and see if you wanted to hang out with me and

Jim, but you're...

Busy. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Something wrong?

Well, I didn't want to say anything, but, well, honestly, I'm a little bummed

that I didn't get to do that.

Oh. I mean, it's fine that it's you, and I don't want to suggest that Dennis

is... This doesn't have anything to do with me and Dennis. Really, he promised

me that. But you hardly even watch TV. I watch, like, four hours a night.

I don't know what to tell you.

It's not that big a deal. I guess I'm just a little bitter because I'm stuck

with the recorder club again.

I never thought that knowing how to play the recorder could be such a liability.

Hey, Jim. Hi. How are you? Hi.

So, I'm sorry about this, Molly.

We'll see you later.

Okay. Bye -bye. Bye, girl.

Yeah, yeah. Got your laundry here.

Be right there.

Hi there.

Hi.

Uh... You got your laundry here.

It's clean.

Worked out great.

Static clean is going to be the first thing from your mind. Terrific. Thanks.

What am I thinking?

There you go.

Thanks. Wait.

Don't you remember me?

Sure. You're that guy I kissed.

Yes, I am.

So how's it going?

Good. How about you? Yeah, good. Can't complain.

Well, great.

Thanks for the laundry. Have a great day. Quick question.

Before you go.

Sure.

Why did you walk up to a complete stranger and kiss said stranger on the

It was on my to -do list.

See you around.

Ed, I don't want to sound like the jealous ex -non -girlfriend type, but

woman is definitely out of her gourd.

Absolutely insane.

I don't think so.

I can't tell how, but I get a sense she knows exactly what she's doing. The big

question is, why is she doing it?

The other big question is, why is she dressed like a giant piece of cheese?

What is that?

She's wearing a cheese suit.

Would you like some cheese?

Hello.

Hey there.

It's you again. Would you like some cheese?

What, do you work in a supermarket?

No. You work for a cheese company?

No. National Cheese Council?

Uh -uh. Just giving away cheese.

Why are you giving away cheese? What's your deal? Who are you?

You want to ask me out, don't you? I want to know who you are.

My name is Jennifer Bradley.

I'm Ed Stevens.

Now you want to ask me out?

Yes, I do.

Well, then?

Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

All right.

Smiley goat? Oh, I think we could do a lot better than that.

Come by my place at six?

Okay.

See you then.

Okay, guys.

Let's shoot the intro.

Intro? In showbiz, we do not have time to say the word introduction.

Just set up the camera you pee on.

Ready, Cheswick?

Okay.

Final touches.

Roll camera.

Rolling. In five.

Welcome back to SHSTV Investigates.

I'm standing here at the back door of the Stuckiebaughy School kitchen.

Any minute now, Connie, the lunch lady, will be coming outside.

We're going to ambush her and ask some hard -hitting questions about the

cafeteria food.

Okay, go. Okay.

It's freezing out here. Why can't we have this conversation in my office? New

rules. No more discussing our personal relationship inside the building. We

to keep things private.

I think you're getting worked up over nothing.

It's not nothing.

When I saw Molly's reaction, I just got a tiny taste of what we're in for.

People start to find out about us. Well, what do you want me to do? I want you

to think before you speak. Think before you act. I just want you to be careful.

Careful? Yes.

Okay, I can be careful. Thank you.

Come on, follow me. Where are we going?

someplace careful.

I encourage you.

Roll camera.

I'm rolling.

Connie, Warren Cheswick, can I ask you a few questions?

What do you want?

How long have you been working at Stuckyville High?

23 years. 23 years? Wow, then surely you must know what kind of meat they put in

those Salisbury steaks.

Spill it, Connie.

It's turkey beef.

What? Turkey beef. I don't understand. Are you saying turkey beef what?

Yes, yes.

Okay, do we get something? Connie, Connie, could you at least put your hand

to the camera like you do on 60 Minutes?

Go away, Mortally Safer.

Go away.

Okay, thank you.

Guess we don't exactly have a story.

Oh, I think we do.

Where are you taking me?

To dinner.

This doesn't look like a restaurant.

It's not a restaurant.

Not a restaurant. Friend's house? Nope.

Family? Nope.

You're fond of the super short information -free answer, aren't you?

Yep.

Yeah?

Hi, I'm Jennifer, and this is Ed, and we were wondering if you'd like to have us

as your guests for dinner this evening.

I'm sorry, do I know you?

No, but we're really nice people. I think you'd like us.

now baby i'm sure and i just can't wait

till the day when you knock on my door

I cannot believe how much fun that was. It's great, isn't it? The Willises have

got to be the nicest family on earth. I know. And that hat collection, that was

amazing.

Where did he get his hands on one of Red Fox's old golf caps? Seriously, have

you ever done that before?

Got up to a complete stranger's house and invite yourself over for dinner? No,

this was a first for me. It was on my to -do list.

Okay, okay, all right. Now this to -do list, the to -do list you keep talking

about. What is it? And don't give me some mysterious answer and just scamper

away. I feel like I've earned the right to know.

Every night before I go to bed, I come up with a few things to do. Crazy

random things. Things I know won't be easy. Things that test my inhibitions.

And the next day, I force myself to do them, whether I like it or not.

I have today's list right here.

Ta -da!

Hug a traffic cop. Walk into a restaurant and sing Mr. Bojangles.

Arm wrestler stranger. You did all these things today.

Every last one.

Because life is about opening doors.

Opening doors to what?

New places, new people, new possibilities.

Most people wait for opportunities to come to them. I make my own.

What kind of opportunities have you gotten by acting like a raving lunatic?

Opportunities.

So, Bosco, how was the big date?

It was good. It was great. It was amazing.

Amazing, really? If it was so amazing, I wouldn't be seeing you until tomorrow

morning, if you get what I'm saying. But that's not your style. You are not, as

we say, a closer.

You going to get that?

It's not mine. It's Jim's.

Where's Jim?

Oh. No, hold on, Bosco. I'm trying to think of a clever euphemism for

Hello? Jim Frost, cell phone. Ed Stevens speaking. How can I help you?

He can't speak right now. May I take a message?

Yeah. Okay. Yes.

I'll tell him you called.

Hey, Ed. Did you have fun tonight?

What's the matter?

I just spoke with your wife.

Look, Ed. Does Molly know?

What are you going to tell her?

If you don't, I will.

Hey, Miss Bessie.

Hey, Warren.

How's it sliding today?

It's sliding just fine.

How's your big 60 -minute expose coming? Finding any dirt yet?

My God, that is a beautiful sweater. What is that? Is that wool or rayon?

cotton poly blend, maybe. It's magnificent.

Warren, could you just... It's absolutely magnificent. Okay.

Okay, what's the deal? Did you forget to do the piece?

Nope. I got it right here. Well, great.

Let's have a... What?

What? Tell me, is the cafeteria a health hazard, or the lunch lady stealing rice

pudding? What is it?

You know, Miss Bessie, in journalism, you never know where the five W's are

going to take you.

Your fickle friends who, what, where, why, and when can fly you to the moon

day and leave you high and dry and begging for mercy the next.

Warren, what are you talking about?

Okay, look, we got together, and we decided not to do the cafeteria story

all. It's fine, but we need something. So what's it going to be?

Well, it's... Oh, it's funny.

I think you're really going to get a kick out of this one.

While we were taping the cafeteria piece, we actually spotted something in

background that we thought would be more interesting.

What's that?

It's so silly.

We actually spotted you and Mr. Martino, like, kissing or something.

What? No, no, it's not a big thing. It'll be a light, fun piece. It's like

they send the weatherman down to the zoo to see when the new panda's being born.

Warren, you can't show that. I'm telling you, Miss Bessie, it's nothing.

It's nothing. It's lighthearted, active Hollywood infotainment. It's like, gotta

keep feeding the machine, am I right?

Miss Bessie, I didn't want to show it, I swear.

The others said we had to.

In the name of journalism.

Why would you do this to me?

Oh, no.

I'm not... Miss Fessy...

So,

to top it off, I'm in the middle of teaching the periodic table, and this

raises his hand. I say, yes, Martin.

And he says, Miss Hudson, why is ham so tasty?

that? I mean, yes, I am a teacher, but I am a human being, too.

It's really hilarious.

I tell you, you know, it is never a dull moment at Stuckyville High School.

It's so great.

That's funny.

What is the matter with you today?

What do you mean?

Well, you've been poking around that corned beef hatch for like 20 minutes.

Usually, you gobble it up. Yes.

Yes, my friend, you.

Great gobbler.

It's one of the many things that I love about you.

I guess, you know, I'm just a little down today.

Well, what is it? Is it work? You have to go back on the road again? Because,

let me tell you, until I met you, I never knew just how many bowling alleys

there were to repair.

Jim, talk to me.

I, uh... I have something I have to tell you.

Okay.

You can tell me anything. You know that.

There's someone else you need to know about.

You met someone else?

No, no, not exactly.

Well, what then?

I... I have a wife.

No, it's not the way that you think it is.

Molly, no, don't go. Molly, no.

Molly, we've got to talk about this.

Mr. Martino?

Carol, that's... Send her in, Eunice. Thank you.

Arms crossed.

Cold stare.

Okay, I get it. You're pissed. What's up?

Warren Cheswick has a video of you kissing me.

What? Yep.

The other day, when you were kissing me, Warren caught it on videotape. Oh, and

he's going to show it to the entire school on his television show.

You're laughing.

You're laughing.

Well, actually, it was more of a chuckle.

Well, I'm glad that you can enjoy a hearty chuckle over this.

What's the big deal? They were bound to find out about this sooner or later.

I would have preferred later.

Much later.

Never.

Actually... Why do you care so much that everybody knows about this? I don't

care. I think it's pretty obvious why I don't want an entire high school full of

teenagers knowing that I've been... kissing the boss.

I don't think it's obvious.

What does that mean?

Commitment. Commitment? You don't want everybody to know about this because you

don't want to commit to this relationship.

I don't want to commit to this relationship? Dennis, I think we both

you're the one with the commitment issues. That's very convenient. Blame

I'm speaking in Portuguese because suddenly I don't understand a word

being said.

You're scared.

I'm scared?

Yeah. Of what?

You're scared of me.

Why is that?

Well, see, because deep down, you're still not sure is he a good guy or a bad

guy. And you don't want to go public until you're sure.

See, that's what this is really all about.

That's ridiculous.

Listen, don't feel bad. I'm not sure if I'm a good guy yet either.

You ever see the vagina monologues? Is that the one where the playmates all try

to start a car wash?

It's not a movie, it's a play.

Saw it in New York City once.

Powerful stuff.

Yeah, don't go in for live theater. The actors talk too loud.

Hi, I'm looking for Ed.

Hey, you're that random chick, right?

Jennifer Bradley.

Nice to meet you guys.

How are you doing? I'm Kenny. You know, I can be a pretty random fellow myself.

I once did it on a Ferris wheel.

So you met Phil, I see. Hey there.

Hi.

Can I interest you in some lousy bowling alley snack bar food?

You can indeed.

She digs me. I find you obnoxious.

I talked to Miss Fessy today.

You've got to show the tape. I'm going to show the tape. Of course I'm going to

show the tape.

You didn't think I was going to show the tape?

Believe me, lady, I am showing that tape.

Why, do you not want to show the tape? I want to show it.

Miss Fessy was really upset about it.

God, what if she got fired or something?

Oh, she's not going to be fired. She'll be embarrassed for a couple of days.

Everything will be fine.

Okay, but what about Mr. Martino?

I mean, he's a very unpredictable man with the temper of a jungle cat, I might

add. Look, Warren, you're the leader.

It's your decision.

I just think you've got to show it.

I know, I know. I mean, it's journalism, right?

Yeah, but what am I supposed to do when Martino comes after me with a pickaxe?

Well, then you tell him that you're not intimidated because of something called

the First Amendment, and that the First Amendment guarantees your right to free

speech, and that upholding the First Amendment is more important than whether

not he's embarrassed because he got caught playing kissy -face with one of

teachers.

That's really good.

But I should wear a helmet, you know, just in case.

I brought you something.

Yeah? Yeah.

What's this?

Your very own to -do list.

What? Last night as I was falling asleep, I thought, hmm, what would be

Ed to do?

Ed?

Oh, no.

I couldn't possibly do this.

Seriously, I really don't think I can do this.

I'm going to have to do this, aren't I?

Okay, but where are we going to get the... All right, but then how are we

to stick... And then the...

How are you doing?

Me? I am fantastic.

No, no. No, that is not good enough. I am fantastic -rific.

No, no.

No, I am fantastic -amazing -rific. Yes, yes, that's it.

I still just can't get my head around this whole thing. How could I not see

coming?

I never once went to his house. He always had me call him on his cell

Gee.

I wonder why. Oh, yes, that's right. He's married. Duh.

Has he called?

Yes, many times.

Did you talk to him?

No, I let the machine take care of it.

Good. I also re -recorded my outgoing message to make myself sound

cheery and nonplussed.

Smart. Yeah.

I know it's seventh grade behavior, but I just couldn't give him the

satisfaction.

Look, you have to promise me something.

Even if he begs you, you will not get back together with Jim. Are you kidding

me? Are you kidding me? I am so done with him.

Good. I mean, do you realize how many other married men are out there?

I mean, yeah, come on. I mean, now that I have removed that particular

restriction, I have hit the motherlode.

I'm so sorry.

Are you going to be okay?

I'm not sure.

Many words come to a man's mind when looking at this picture.

I'm going to go with a simple yet effective wow.

I'm telling you, Mike, this girl is...

I don't know what she is. She's crazy. Amazing. Both. She's got this whole

philosophy. She's this big, screaming bundle of life.

She's got game.

This one definitely has game.

Here you go, fellas.

Thanks. Thank you.

Man, I'm telling you, you should ask the waitress for her phone number. Have you

been listening to anything I've been saying here?

Yesterday, I ran through the center of town.

Covered in feathers, I think I got enough on my hands right now. I think

a wuss.

Hey, I'm your Jennifer.

Any way you can get her to run around covered in feathers?

Maybe for my birthday?

Try it.

Enjoy your lunch there, married guy.

Oh, you're a cruel man.

Uh -oh.

Lady, you just kissed me. Yeah, I did.

Well, bye now.

Ed, hi.

Who's this?

My name is Francis.

I don't really know him.

You don't know him?

She's telling you the truth, Guy.

Guy. Guy.

Kiss my friend and call me Guy? I'm going to recommend you run along now,

Francis. Ed, calm down.

I don't understand this.

Sure you do. This is the list. No, I don't understand this. What, you just

down the street and kiss old Frank here? Why don't go by Frank? That's what I

did with you.

Yeah, I know that's what you did with me. Wait a minute. You kissed him, too?

Yeah, I hate to burst your bubble. You're not the only one, Francis. Okay,

is getting weird. I'm out of here. Getting weird? It is getting weird. What

is... What is going on here? What was dinner? What was me parading down the

street in the feathers and the syrup and the bird man is stuck? Am I just a

novelty act? Am I a way to kill time? No, Ed, no. I told you I really like

What the hell is this?

This is who I am.

I see.

I thought you liked who I am.

Excuse me.

Aren't you the girl who kissed me the other day?

What? Oh, yeah. How you doing? Do you mind if I ask why'd you do that? I

it would be cool.

to kiss a stranger with a mustache. This is insanity. I knew this baby would pay

off. Goodbye, Jennifer.

No, wait, Ed!

Don't leave!

Why not?

You want to go hit some golf balls or something?

Hello, Warren.

Mr. Martino?

Go to sleep.

I know why you called me here, and let me just tell you that I'm prepared to

stand up for what I believe in.

I shan't be intimidated.

What?

First Amendment!

Warren.

What? You think I'm going to ask you not to show the videotape?

I don't give a rat's ass if you show it or not.

Oh, you just said ass.

You're like one of those cool principals, huh?

Well, I don't care. There is someone who does.

That's right.

I can't keep you from showing the tape.

If you think it's the right thing to do, you go ahead.

But before you do, all I ask is that you really think about what you'll be doing

to Miss Bessie.

Can me and you, like, hang out sometime?

You want to skip me Regina from the school board, please? Right away, sir.

Hey, so, we're down, or...? Yeah.

Cool.

Catch you there.

Get out. Okay.

I came by to get some of my tools.

Sure, go ahead.

I talked to Molly.

Yeah, I know.

She told me.

Look, I know I'm probably not the most popular guy in Stuckyville right now,

for what it's worth, I am really sorry the way things happened.

You're sorry?

Yeah. You think that's enough? Sorry?

You think that makes it right?

Lie to my friend, toss it, and I'm sorry, everything's fine?

I didn't mean for it to go like this. This just sort of happened. That's a

of crap, Jim, and you know it. You knew you were married the first time you

talked to Molly. You knew you were married the first time you went out with

Molly. You knew you were married the first time you kissed her, the first

you told her you loved her, and the first time you convinced her to trust

And I meant to tell her all those times and every day in between.

Right, and you couldn't do it, could you?

You're right. Because you want a wife and you want Molly.

No, I want Molly.

Look, if you want to put me in a box, Ed, as the cliched married guy who's

trying to get a little something for himself on the side, there's nothing I

do about that.

But that's not what this is.

What is it?

I've been married for six years, okay? I said the towel should have been thrown

in after two, okay? My wife and I are over. I mean, there's nothing left

Why are you still together?

Because that's what you do when a marriage doesn't work. You stay together

longer than you should.

And so someone has the courage to stand up and say enough.

This wasn't a fling. It wasn't a little romp.

I love Molly.

And actually, she's what made me realize how unhappy I was with Christina.

So what are you going to do?

I'm going to get her back.

I don't know how.

But I'm going to get her back.

Hi there.

Hi.

I'm sorry about today.

No need to apologize.

It's who you are.

You said so yourself.

Don't be mean. It doesn't suit you.

You know, Jennifer, you say you dedicate your life to finding new roads to go

down, but it's funny.

All you do is find the roads.

You don't actually go down them.

There's a reason I don't go down roads, Ed.

What's that?

I've been down some bad ones.

Well, that may be.

But there's one thing all those roads had in common.

None of them were with me.

Okay.

Okay what?

I don't think I want to let you go.

So?

So instead of finding lots of new roads, I'll go down one.

I'm about to perform a ten -item to -do list that begins now and will last deep

into the night.

I'll be counting.

Make me pretty, Scooter. What?

Relax. Just play with me.

All right. It's almost time.

Come on, folks.

Let's look alive.

This is game day.

What's with the yelling? Hey, you're messing up my pre -show ritual over

Ritual? What are you talking about? It's our first show.

So, Mr.

Team Leader, I see you still haven't made a decision.

No, I have.

About to put in one of the tapes right now. So what's it going to be? Are we

going with the cafeteria story or the Miss Fessy, Mr. Martino story?

You, my friend, are on a need -to -know basis.

I'm a thoroughbred. Don't agitate me before a race.

Jennifer?

Hi.

Hi.

I heard you had a little talk with Warren.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, thanks.

Well, I don't know if it worked.

I had a little talk with him myself.

Oh, well, I guess we'll see you in a few minutes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, um, I told him he could go ahead and show it if he wanted to.

Really?

Mm -hmm.

You know, if they find out, they find out, right?

In five, four, three, roll tape.

I'm Warren Cheswick.

I'm Mark Vanacore. I'm Diane Schneider.

And I am Rajiv Vishnu.

And this is our first edition of SHSTV Investigates.

Good day.

I'm Warren P. Cheswick.

Earlier this week, our crack team captured something on videotape right

Stuckyville High School that will shock and amaze you.

Please take a look.

Honey, Warren Cheswick, can I have a moment of your time, please?

What do you want? How long have you been a lunch lady here at Stuckyville High?

23 years. You must know what kind of meat they put in those Salisbury steaks.

It's turkey beef.

Did you see that, people?

The woman didn't even know what was in the Salisbury steak. I mean, come on!

I feel like I should hire myself out at Carnival. The state fairs are the

world's biggest idiot.

Come on, Molly.

None of us saw this coming.

You just didn't see the type.

Yeah, but that is the type, Ed.

The type who doesn't seem like the type is the type.

So what now?

Well, I guess I just swallow my pride and get back together with George

Nice.

Did I talk to Jim today?

Let me guess. He loves me and he doesn't want to be with his wife anymore.

Well, yeah, actually.

That's what all the married boys say.

I believe him.

Look, Molly, maybe you should give him a chance.

I know it's a scary road to go down. It's not a scary road, Ed.

It's a very, very scary road.

Understood.

Sometimes scary roads are the ones you just gotta try.

Let me show you what I mean.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

My name's Ed. I come in here a lot.

Sure. Yeah, hi. I'm Doreen.

Hi. Look.

Do you think I could have your phone number? Maybe ask you to lunch sometime?

Jim, I'm sorry. You seem like a nice guy, but I just don't go out with

customers. Right.

Sorry. It's okay.

Ouch.

It would have been so much cooler if she said yes. Oh, it really would have.

At least it wasn't personal. She doesn't date customers. Nothing to do with me

specifically. And you believe her? How adorable.

I try to cheer you up. What do you do? You humiliate me.

Humiliating you cheers me up.

Oh, well, in that case.

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