All language subtitles for Ed s02e12 Ends and means

Oh, boy.

I hate to see that. Holy smoke.

Back when I was a kid, boxes never caved
like that. My goodness gracious, thanks

a lot.

Yeah, back when I was a kid, boxes were
made of steel back in my day, and

everything cost a nickel back when I was
a kid.

Thank you.

You okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

You don't look fine.

I just got fired from my job.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Where did you work?

Morrison Crane.

In the insurance company.

Yeah, sure.

The money came up missing, and I guess
they needed someone to blame.

I can't explain to you if you didn't do
it.

Oh, yes, I can.

I mean, did it have any proof?

No, none.

Zero. Zippo.

Well, um, I'm Ed Stevens.

Hey, careful.

I happen to be a lawyer, and I know this
is none of my business, but if you're

really fired the way you're saying you
were, then there are things you can do.

I don't think I want to spend my life
fighting Morse and Crane.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Thanks again.

Lift with the legs.

Bye.

Bye.

I don't know who that girl was, but if
you didn't ask her out, I'm going to hit

you in the back of the head.

I didn't ask her out.

One more time.

When it's my moment in the sun Oh, how

beautiful I'll be

But in a normal sort of way.

Like I am you and you are me.

That girl was cute.

That girl was really cute. You should
have asked her out. I should have asked

her out. You're married.

Oh, yeah.

What am I doing? Huh?

What am I doing right now? What am I
doing right now?

You're kicking yourself. Yeah, I'm
kicking myself. I just... I don't know.

sounds crazy, but I felt this
connection, you know, a vibe. A vibe. I

that is.

What do you mean?

I've always been since Ed Stevens's, you
know.

What? Been with a lady.

Done it.

Well, I slept with Nancy this morning
just after you left for work.

Okay, Ed. It's perfectly natural. You'd
feel a little bit frisky right about

now.

It's not that. It's just... Here I am
about to reinsert myself into the dating

world. I meet this beautiful woman who
practically falls in my lap.

What do I do about it?

Nothing. Nothing. I just... I blew it.
That's all.

You blew it.

But she... She works for Morrison Crane.
I can just call her.

You got fired from Morrison Crane.
Right.

Way to use your noodle there, Ed. That's
just what Nancy said to me this

morning. Oh, you're very good.

Just what Nancy said to me this morning.

You finished yet?

That's just what Nancy said to me this
morning.

I just feel like I've got to get out of
the house.

What does Mike think? He's happy to be
at work for the first time in his life.

He feels like we should enjoy
decompressing.

He's decompressing? You've already
decompressed. I never wanted to

What does that even mean, decompress?

Oh, well, um, it's when you go from a
high -pressure environment to a low

-pressure environment without letting
the nitrogen bubbles form in the

bloodstream in order to avoid the...
Ben, I came in the wrong point in this

conversation. Yeah.

Nance is looking for something useful to
do. You know, something to give me as a

house for a little bit. Something so
that having lunch with you guys isn't

highlight of my day.

That's always funny.

Oh, I know what you can do. Why don't
you come work with us at the school?

Yeah, doing what?

Substitute teaching.

Lucy and I, we're desperate for
substitutes. That's a really good idea.

Don't you need to take a test for that
or something?

No, no. All you need is a college
degree.

Who do I have to talk to? Me.

You? Carol is in charge of the
substitute teachers.

You're hired.

Uh, don't you want to...

You know, we were first.

Oh, right.

Nancy, where do you see yourself in five
years?

Sitting here with you losers.

It just keeps getting funnier and
funnier.

What? Bernice, it's your lucky day.

Whoa. Kate.

All right. How do I look? I look great.
You look like Brad Pritt.

Nice, Brad Pitt. Don't Brad Pritt look
down the hall for me in college? He had

hairdo much like yours. He's a goofy
-looking... Hi, Mr. Stevens.

Kate, right? No, Ed. And this is Mike.
Call me Ed. Hey, what's up? Ed, I was

thinking about what you said, and I've
had a change of heart.

Really? I want to fight for my job.

Do you think you can help me?

Yeah.

Yeah, come with me.

So tell me exactly how you got fired.

Oh, well...

Like I said, my boss, Linda, came
storming into my cubicle, ranting and

Apparently, the accountants came across
a bogus check for $20 ,000 made out to

cash. Uh -huh.

This kind of thing happens every couple
years. Somebody falsifies a claim, cuts

bad check.

I guess this time they wanted to make an
example of somebody.

Why you, though? Why did they single you
out?

Well, the janitor saw me there after
hours that night, the same night that

check was cut.

What were you doing at the office?

I was working late.

Actually, I got kind of tied up playing
online backgammon.

Backgammon?

I've never actually played it. It's a
lot like Yahtzee, right?

No. You don't actually roll the dice and
go, backgammon!

Mm -mm.

You see.

Okay, so, um, well, the good news is
they must not have anything solid or

would have pressed charges.

So, what do we do?

We go pay a visit to your boss, Linda.

I'm going to frighten her with some
scary lawyer talk.

Sounds like fun. I'm really glad you
decided to fight this. Me too.

Oh, you're still working on that lesson
plan, huh? Shh, I'm just trying to

finish this.

You've been working on it for five
hours. I don't know what I'm doing, and

want it to be right.

Hey, you want to go for ice cream?

A little bit. Got a coupon for free
jimmies?

Free jimmies? You love free jimmies?

Nope.

What are you doing?

We're starting to get you ready for
tomorrow. Paper airplanes, you know,

spitballs. Once I sub, get hit in the
back of the neck with a honeydew mellow.

Yeah, well, I'm not going to be that
kind of sub. My students are going to

me. Yeah, they're going to love making
you weep with misery. My aunts are going

to love my class because I'm going to
make learning fun. I got it all right

here. Yeah, another time, Jerry Monchak
put a thumbtack on a sub's chair. She

had to have a tetanus shot.

Go away.

I'm just saying, wear sturdy pants
tomorrow.

You're going to need them.

Okay, here we go. One, two... Hey, I
just got the phone.

What are you doing? Oh, okay. You are
not going to believe this, but Bosco, no

matter how hard you try, you cannot eat
an entire loaf of white bread in under a

minute. Watch this.

Begin eating white bread.

Now.

You can't do it.

I'm never going to make it.

Phil.

That's an old bar battle, right? But
it's not an entire loaf of white bread.

It's a single slice of white bread,
okay? It's a single slice. You can't eat

single slice of white bread in under a
minute.

Oh, look.

I just got off the phone with Frank
King. He wants to rent Stucky Ball for

son Dave's ninth birthday. I'm going to
put you three in charge of the party.

On my birthday, my parents used to let
me go to the candy store and eat as much

candy as I wanted.

Until my twelfth birthday.

What happened on your twelfth birthday?

Got a little carried away with the
malted milk balls.

I've got the perfect idea.

Let's roast the kid in the fashion of
the late, great Dean Martin.

We'll get him up there. We'll drag out
hilarious, embarrassing stories. Be

perfect. Roast him.

The kid's not.

Yeah? Look at me.

Phil, look at me.

There will be no roast.

How about some balloons?

Kids always love balloons.

That's perfect. Balloons, yes. Roast,
no.

Consider it done.

Move. I beg your pardon, don't mind me.
I'm just dusting for clues.

Why am I looking for clues, you ask?
Because history is a mystery.

And I think together we shall find the
answers to be elementary, my dear

Holy crap.

Watson.

I do believe I've found the first clue
to understanding the Boxer Rebellion. It

is on page 93 of our history. straight
textbooks.

Let us all read together, shall we?

Excuse me, miss.

Are you going to be doing a little skit
the whole time?

Okay.

It's okay, really. We're loving it.

Watson, what are the clues?

Go ahead, seriously.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I just thought that I would make
learning fun for you guys. You know, but

okay. All right, let's just go ahead and
read about the box that we're buying.

Okay?

This place gives me the creeps. This
place invented the creeps. You sure you

even want your job back? I just don't
want them to get away with this.

This is it.

Mr. Stevens.

Linda Fletcher, executive vice president
of Morris and Crane.

These gentlemen are members of our in
-house council team.

Thanks for meeting with us. Let's cut to
the chase, Mr. Stevens. Why exactly are

you here? I'm here to get Kate Harrison
her job back. Forgive my directness, Mr.

Stevens, but you are out of your league.

May I strongly suggest to you that
pursuing this matter would be stunningly

foolish?

It's funny.

Usually when people are on the right,
they don't feel the need to come on so

strong. I don't think you realize that
$20 ,000 is missing from the firm.

I realize that.

I also realize if you had any actual
proof that Kate Harrison was the one

took the money, you'd be pressing
criminal charges.

Mr. Stevens. Miss Fletcher, now let me
cut to the chase.

Three points.

One, you have no proof that Kate
Harrison took the money. Two, if Kate

get her job back, then this firm will be
swimming in giant, ugly, messy public

lawsuits, i .e. wrongful determination,
defamation of character, emotional

distress. That's just off the top of my
head. And three...

If you think parading out two goons in
$1 ,500 suits is enough to intimidate

well, then you are being stunningly
foolish.

By the year 1900, the countries of
Europe had divided China into spheres

Can I ask you guys a question?

When I scanned this room, you all looked
so...

I don't know.

Miserable. Why is that? Why is it that
high school kids always look so

miserable?

I mean, I know. When I was in high
school, I looked miserable, too. But why

you guys think that is?

Because we are miserable.

But why?

Anybody?

I don't know.

When I was in high school, I always felt
like I was all dressed up with no

place to go, you know?

Suddenly I had this adult body and this
adult mind, and all I was supposed to do

with it was to learn about stupid stuff
like the Boxer Rebellion and hang out at

the mall.

For me, it's the insult of not being
able to legally purchase a fine cigar,

know? Fair enough.

So, what else makes you guys miserable?

You did it. You did it. That was the
most amazing thing that I have

ever seen. I call that the gadfly
approach.

And no matter how powerful they may be,
no man, woman, or child wants to take on

gadfly. Well, thank you, Mr. Gadfly.

You're welcome. I guess I better get
back to the office, tell people I'm not

fired. Yeah, yeah, okay.

Thanks, Ed.

Really.

Good luck.

Thanks.

Kate. Yeah?

Uh... As a rule, I don't date clients.

Why's that? A lot of them seem to be 50
-year -old men.

But, uh... Would you like to have dinner
with me tomorrow night?

Yes.

That's a wise answer.

Yeah? Yeah, otherwise I would have hit
you with the gadfly approach.

Yeah, yeah, Mrs. Thompson's out all
week. Fever's up to 102, baby.

Which is terrible, terrible. I really
hope she gets better soon.

So, how did things go for my newest
substitute teacher yesterday?

Well, to be honest, at first it was
awful. You know, I think I was trying

hard or something. But then I really
started to connect with him, and I'm

so much fun.

Great, that's great. That's great.

Yeah, it's great. Hey, Miss Burton.

Hey, what's up, brother man?

Give me some dap.

Sign of respect.

Every teacher's nightmare, the cool
stuff. Well, you know, it's the getter's

luck. Hey, I'll see you guys at lunch,
okay?

Chicken all the game.

Here he comes, here he comes.

Hey, you guys, I'm gone for the night.
Got a date.

A date? Wow, that's a surprise.

Last time Ed Stevens got any action,
Bill Clinton was in the White House.

Bill, a joke would be more effective if
you used the less recent. Bill Clinton.

Wait, wait, wait. Bosco, that's a nice
leather jacket. What was Banana Republic

having a sale?

As a matter of fact, why is that even a
joke? Put this man on a tray and get out

the carving knife. He's just been
roasted.

We are not, I repeat, are not roasting a
nine -year -old. Good night.

He's right. I didn't get that last joke.

Betty Highlands is going to be one upset
lady when she gets back to work. That

substitute's putting her in a real hole.

Excuse me, you talking about Nancy
Burton? Yes. Carol, I don't know where

found this one, but have you seen what
she's doing in the classroom?

No. Is there a problem? Looks like she's
hosting a cocktail party. She never

sets foot within 50 miles of the lesson
plan. Really?

Well, she's new. She's probably just
getting used to things.

Just don't ever let her sub for me.

I have a special skill you should know
about.

What's that?

I can taste a French fry and tell you,
plus or minus 15 minutes, how long ago

they changed the fry oil.

Get out of here. I know, it's freaky,
but my father was a chef and it's a

boring story, but I can do it.

Okay, let's see it.

May I? Please.

These are seasoned, so that makes it a
little tricky.

I would say about, not quite getting it.

Can't really do this, can you?

Nope. There's no trick?

Mm -mm.

Father wasn't a chef?

Accountant. You're just basically eating
my fries?

Mm -hmm.

Mr. and Mrs. King, hi, my name is Phil
Stubbs. I'll be arranging for your son

David's birthday party. Oh, that's
great.

Okay, now I just have a couple of
questions, if that's all right.

Mint chocolate chip.

That's his favorite ice cream. I assume
that was on your checklist there.

Okay, first of all, what would you say
are David's most, shall we say, mockable

physical characteristics?

Mockable? Yeah, does he have a big nose,
pot belly, is he bald?

He's nine years old.

Of course, of course, nine years old. So
he's short.

Excellent.

Now what about bad habits? Does he
overeat, does he gamble, is he famously

stingy? These are...

Very strange question.

What is this about?

Well, I'm just gathering material for
your son's Dean Martin celebrity roast.

His what?

Oh, I am so terribly sorry. I thought
you were the kings.

We are the kings.

But you're not having a birthday party
here at Stucky Bowl for your son, David?

Yes, we are.

Fantastic. Moving on, then.

How's David with the ladies?

Does he get his fair share?

He's... Pre -pubescent?

Perfect.

What a gentleman walking me to my
doorstep.

Oh, yes. I'm very old -fashioned that
way.

Well, thanks for dinner.

Well, thanks for inviting me in.

That wasn't very old -fashioned, was it?

Right. Sorry.

Thanks for inviting me in, my lady.

I actually didn't know what you're
doing.

Back of all trades, master or none.

You can do with master being a lawyer.

Okay, I think we're ready to fly here.

Matches, please, you can insult me. Just
give me two sticks.

Seriously? Either that or a flashlight
and a magnifying glass.

Wow. No, I'm just kidding.

Give me the matches.

I'm trying to get you back for that
french fry thing.

Wouldn't this be more romantic in front
of a blazing fire?

Yeah, probably.

Ed. Ed, um, Ed.

Yeah?

You kind of like me, right?

Yeah. I'm not just imagining there's
something here and there's not really

anything there, right?

Right. No. Yes. I mean, yes. I mean,
there's something here.

That's what I thought.

So, that's why I have to tell you
something.

What?

That money at work?

I stole it.

When you say... Okay, when you say you
stole the money, what does that mean

exactly? I'm sorry. I meant to tell you
the truth.

I just didn't know how.

Let me get this straight. That makes
you...

You're, what's the word, embezzler.
You're an embezzler. Just made out with

embezzler. That's kind of a shock to the
system.

It's not what you think. It's not what I
think? So you didn't steal the money?

I didn't.

I didn't take it for myself.

What does that mean?

This policyholder, he needed a liver
transplant.

So you gave him the money?

Yes.

I don't know, Kate.

I don't know.

He would have died without the
transplant.

You gotta turn yourself in.

I don't know that I can do that. Oh,
come on, Kate. You made me get your job

back, and I never would have done that
if I'd known you stole the money.

I had no choice.

I'm feeling pretty used here, Kate.

I'm so sorry.

Can you turn yourself in?

I can't.

I gotta go.

Come on, Mark. You can do this.

My sister Suzanne is married to a
homosexual.

She's a beard.

Okay. That was good.

No, that was really good.

Oh, excuse me just a second. I'll be
right back. But, um, keep talking.

This is so good.

Hi. Hi. Hey.

Um, what are you doing?

Oh, well, Mark was a little worried
about his sister, so I thought it would

good for us to just talk. I thought it
would help.

Right, yeah.

It's an American history class.
Shouldn't you be talking about the

scandal or the holly smooth hair for
Tippecanoe and Tyler, too? Yeah, I think

maybe got a little sidetracked.

Right, right. Um, Nance, there's a
concern among the faculty that you're

sticking to the lesson plan.

Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, Carol, I am so
sorry. You know, I didn't mean... It's

okay. Okay.

It just would make my life a lot easier
if you... I get it.

I'll stick with the plan.

Great. Great. Great. Thank you. Sure.

Bad news, Bosco. The Kings are insisting
on a Dean Martin celebrity roast.

What? Yeah, I know. I tried talking him
into a regular party, but they just were

not buying it. They want the roast or
nothing at all.

I don't believe a word you're saying.

Bosco, what do I possibly have to gain
by lying to you? Let me think.

You want to do the roast. I don't want
you to do the roast.

I'm sorry you're losing me.

Go ahead. Do your little roast. Try not
to kill anyone.

Thank you, Bosco. You will not regret
this. I already regret it.

There's poetry in the way you spray
those shoes. It's like you were born to

it. Okay.

We need to talk.

If you change your mind, you're going to
turn yourself in.

Come with me.

Please. Katie!

Hey, George.

I want you to meet Ed Stevens.

Ed?

Do I know you?

You used to work at the dry cleaners,
right? Yeah, still do. This is job

two. Things have been kind of tight
lately.

Right.

I got it.

You're the guy who brings in all the
bowling shutters. Yeah, yeah, that's me.

How many of those damn things you got?
Too many, I guess.

How you feeling, George?

I'm feeling great.

She saved my life.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Could you tell them what happened?

When I filed my claim, they said it was
my fault that my liver was failing.

Really? Said it was because I worked
with this dry cleaning chemical that was

known to cause liver damage.

Carbon tetrachloride. And did you?

Not for 20 years. Not since they figured
out it was a killer.

I see. And when the company heard about
this, they turned around and said that

his liver failure was a pre -existing
condition.

I'd be dead right now if Kate hadn't
convinced him to pony up.

Thank God for you.

Excuse me a sec. I gotta get this stuff
in a truck.

Okay. See you later, George.

I can see why you'd want to help a guy
like that.

Yeah. All the more reason to turn
yourself in.

Look, Kate.

You're proud of what you did, right?
You're proud of saving his life?

Well, let's go to court and tell the
world what happened here. I'll help you.

I can't go to jail. You're not going to
go to jail.

This is where the rules work in your
favor. It's a first offense.

You didn't profit personally.

You'll get a fine, you'll get probation,
and a ton of community service.

That's it.

Okay.

Okay, let's do it.

Today was a total disaster.

Disaster like the school burned down?
Disaster like you inhaled chalk dust?

Yeah, I don't know how Carol and Molly
do it. I mean, saying the same things

day long is blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah. Eight periods a day, 200

year. Oh, what a nightmare.

And I hated what I was doing, you know?
And the kids knew I hated it, and they

hated me for hating it. And I hated
myself for letting them know I hated it.

Yeah, but did they hate you for hating
them for hating you that you hated it?

What?

No idea.

What are you going to do?

Well, Nance, maybe teaching's not for
you.

There's no need to panic.

Everybody in this family has something
ahead of them. You have your new

practice. Sarah has potty training in
preschool. And me, you know what I'm

doing? What's that?

Stagnating. Oh, Nance, you're not
stagnating. I am. I'm stagnating. One

stag, one part nating.

Stagnating. No, you're not stagnating.
You tried something, didn't work out.

You'll try something else.

Sure, as long as I find something in the
stagnation industry.

Now you're starting to repeat yourself.

Which is a form of stagnating.

Hey.

You're a nutcase, but I love you.

I'm a stagnating nutcase.

Ed, how you doing?

How's the old Stucky Ball treatment?
Very well, Rod. How's your family?

Good, good.

Andrew made the JV soccer team. The
regular Tab Ramos.

Tab Ramos, huh? Nice.

So, have you had a chance to review the
case?

Yeah. Well, we'd like to discuss a plea
bargain.

Yeah? Yeah, we'd like to figure out some
kind of repayment plan, coupled, of

course, with community service.

Well, Ed, I'm not going to bargain on
this one.

What's that?

She's guilty, we're going to court, and
we're going for the maximum sentence.

Ed.

Ross,

it's her first offense. She's willing to
pay for her mistake. And she will.

Hey, listen.

Her company cheated a man out of the
money they owed him. Ms. Harrison saved

life. Saving lives, good. Stealing $20
,000, bad. She went about this in an

entirely wrong, extremely illegal way.
Look, I don't dispute anything you're

saying. Ed, I made up my mind. I've got
to run.

I'm late for a fundraiser.

What just happened?

It's political.

It has to be political. This guy wants
to be a congressman. I guess he thinks

the showy courtroom victories to do more
from the backroom settlements.

Okay, so because Ross McCarthy wants to
run for office, I'm going to jail.

Nobody's going to jail, okay?

I'm going to get you out of this.

How?

I'll find a way.

Miss Harrison, you've admitted to
cutting an unauthorized check from

Crane and giving it to George Cushman.

Yes. Hundreds of claims must cross your
desk every day. I imagine many of them

are rejected by the company.

Yes, of course, but this one shouldn't
have been.

Is this the first time you disagreed
with a rejected claim?

No, not at all.

Morrison Crane works things to their
advantage whenever possible, but this

time... It was more than I could bear.

Why did you take such drastic action to
help Mr. Cushman?

When he came into our office, he looked
so weak.

His hands were shaking. His voice was
barely a whisper.

When I looked at his claim... You knew
if you didn't cut that check, Mr.

would die.

Yes.

I was his only hope.

Thank you.

Nothing further.

Mr. Harrison.

How long would Mr. Cushman have lived
had you not interceded?

I don't know.

Ballpark it for us. A day, a week, a
month?

Possibly. I don't know. But he wasn't
about to fall over dead in your office,

was he?

No. So there was no actual emergency
here.

You had ample time to pursue other
options.

He was very sick.

I had to act fast. And besides, the
money was rightfully his. I was only

what Morrison Crane should have done. Of
course you did, Your Honor.

Excuse me?

Oh, I'm sorry, not you, Judge. I was
talking to the Honorable Kate Harrison.

Objection!

But, Mr. Stevens, clearly your client
believes that she has the authority to

render judgment on Morrison Crane.
You've made your point, Mr. McCarthy.

on. Nothing further.

Thank you, Miss Harrison.

You must step down.

I blew it.

You did fine.

We're going to lose, aren't we?

Carol. Heard you were working late. I
brought you a little pick -me -up.

String cheese?

Uh -huh.

May not be the world's tastiest snack,
but it's definitely the stringiest.

You got that right.

All right, but I'm visiting you here,
right? I don't want to get you in any

trouble with the new lady friend.

Come on.

You okay?

Can I ask you a philosophical question?

Can you keep it simple because I just
had a big dinner and I'm feeling kind of

low -key? If somebody does a bad thing
for a good reason, does that bad thing

then become a good thing?

Or does it remain a bad thing? And if it
remains a bad thing, how can it

possibly be good to do it?

Again, big dinner, low -key.

Kate's going to go to jail.

Unless I do something rotten.

How rotten?

This prosecutor at McCarthy, he's got
big political ambitions.

He also has an ugly little personal
secret, which I happen to know.

Aha. So if I threaten him... Maybe he'll
go a little easier on Kate. Which he

should be doing anyway.

Just as the insurance company should be
paying for George Cushman's transplant.

No one's doing what they should be
doing. So in order to set things

have to do something which I shouldn't
do.

You're in a pickle.

Thank you, Aristotle.

I just wish there were another way.

Of course you do.

You know why?

Why? Because you're a perfectionist.

You're an idealist.

The kind of guy who shudders at the
sound of the word compromise.

Is that a bad thing to be?

Nope.

But it's a hard thing to be.

That's why there aren't many of you
around.

Look, um... Can you... Do you mind
waiting in the courtroom? I need to talk

Ms. McCarthy about another case.

Okay.

Josh.

Excuse me. Can we talk?

Yeah.

Ross, I'm asking you, guy to guy, do the
right thing here. Settle this case. Ed,

we already had this conversation. The
answer's still no. Come on, Ross,

with me here. You know she doesn't
deserve this. I don't know anything of

sort. This is about your political
career, isn't it? You have no basis for

saying that. Of course I do. How else
are you going to explain the way you're

handling this? Get your grandstanding in
there. Are we finished? Wouldn't it be

ironic if the case was supposed to help
your political career actually ended up

destroying it? What's that supposed to
mean? Well, I know this person.

A certain person.

A certain female person.

Other than Mrs. McCarthy.

Who would probably feel pretty bad for
you if you didn't make it to Congress.

fact, she'd probably feel a little
responsible.

Are you threatening me?

This is not a joke.

Ed, come on. I know you too well. You're
not the blackmailing type.

You don't have it in you.

It was a nice try, though. Cute.

See you inside.

I'm Nancy Burton. Uh, Mrs.

Burton.

Substitution, sir.

Gretchen Huber.

I'm waiting for Miss Bessie. She told me
to

meet her here.

I think she's going to fire me.

Yeah, which is very awkward because
we're friends.

What is that?

Oh, it's one of those career tests.

Oh, yeah?

And? What does it say you should be when
you grow up?

I don't know. It just says irrigation.

Wow.

Do you love irrigation?

Oh, yeah. It rocks.

So if an exciting career in irrigation
doesn't pan out for you, do you have any

ideas what you might want to do?

Nope.

Yeah, I always thought it'd be cool to
be a concert cellist.

But I had to give it up because it turns
out I suck.

Are you good at anything?

Nope. Oh, come on. Everybody has a
specialty.

I like to draw, I guess.

I'm not good, but I like it. Oh, you're
just being modest, I bet. Like you with

the cello?

No, no, I actually do suck at the cello.

Your Honor, Kate Harrison stole an
enormous sum of money.

Yes, she did so because she thought
Morrison Crane was in the wrong, but

judgment should not have been rendered
in Kate Harrison's office or Kate

Harrison's house or Kate Harrison's car.
It should have been rendered here, in

this courtroom.

I urge you.

to let her case serve as an example to
all those who would hold themselves

the law.

Thank you.

Mr. Stevens.

Your Honor, I agree.

I agree with Mr. McCarthy on his last
point. Kate Harrison should serve as an

example, an example of a strong, good
-hearted person who did whatever it took

to save someone's life.

In this case, it took breaking the law,
but sometimes, sometimes the ends

justify the means.

I know we know one another, Your Honor,
and it might surprise you to hear me say

that, and the truth is I didn't always
think so, but now I'm a little older and

I'm a little wiser and I've learned one
of life's tougher lessons, and that is

that sometimes there's just no way to do
the right thing without getting your

hands a little dirty in the process.

For Kate Harrison, this was one of those
times.

Thank you.

It's like what I'm going to be, an
artist?

People are going to buy my drawings?

Well, maybe.

Maybe not. But in the meantime, there
are lots of careers for people who can

draw. There's graphic design.

There's architecture.

Okay. Gretchen?

Oh, okay.

Hey,

it was nice talking to you.

You too.

Good luck with everything.

Hi.

Carol! Hi.

So, can we talk?

No.

No?

I'm in trouble here, Carol. I know I'm a
terrible teacher.

No, no, no.

And I'm sorry if I put you in a bad
place. I didn't mean to. I really

It's just that I don't want to be a
teacher anymore.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Yeah, and I think I know what the
perfect job for me might be. Really?

Guidance counselor.

I love talking to the kids. I hate
teaching them stuff, but I love talking

them. I think that's a really great
idea.

It's great. I'm going to look into
everything. I'm going to look into

certified, the whole thing.

Great, Nancy. You know what? Let me set
up a meeting with you and Dennis to talk

about it.

That'd be great.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay.

So... Were you going to fire me?

Well, um... You'll never know now, will
you?

Ed, what's going on? How long before we
have to go back in? We don't.

What do you mean?

We got our plea bargain.

I don't have to go to jail.

You don't have to go to jail.

For your probation, 500 hours community
service. I can't believe that. That's

amazing.

What did you do?

Nothing I'm proud of.

Ed, what happened in there? I can't
really talk about it. The important

you're a free woman.

I don't know how to thank you.

Can I take you out to dinner tonight?

I don't think I'm going to be able to
make that.

Alright then, I guess I'll... I'll see
you around.

I'll see you around.

Ladies and gentlemen, live from the MDM
Grand Hotel in the entertainment capital

of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada!

Please welcome the Roastmaster General
himself, Mr. Philip Dove!

Get over here, you look like a son of a
gun. Kenny, everybody, Kenny!

Hey, Kenny, Paul Bunyan called. He wants
his body back.

His body back.

Hey, kids, we're going to need some big
showbiz laughs on all the jokes, okay?

Big showbiz laughs.

Okay, well, ladies and gentlemen, what
an honor to be here tonight to roast our

birthday boy, Dave King. David, nice to
see you. Now, David, I don't know who

did your haircut. Who was that? Stevie
Wonder? Stevie Wonder. Stevie Wonder.

So without further ado, let's welcome
one of Dave's classmates, the lovely,

talented Mr. Howie Dicker. Howie Dicker,
get on up here. Get on up here, Howie.

And, Howie, stick with it, okay? The
Dorothy Hamill look's coming back any

now. All right, just read these cards
right here.

Dave, when you came out of the womb, the
doctor slapped your mother.

But seriously, you are so dumb, you sit
on the TV and watch the sofa.

Turn him over. He's done.

When you fell out of the ugly tree, you
hit every branch on the way down.

Dear God, it's actually working.

Oh, yeah?

You're so ugly. When you joined an ugly
contest, they said, sorry, no

professionals.

Wow. What did I miss?

We roasted a nine -year -old.

What? I don't even know what that means,
but it sounds Stubbsian. Yeah.

So, I was wondering how you resolved
your... Oh, well, I

don't know if I resolved it, but Kate's
not going to jail.

You did it?

I did it.

Oh. You must really like this girl.

Yeah.

But? I don't know. The whole thing's
kind of like the lousy taste in my

It all got messy all of a sudden.

Hey, Stephen Holster.

Idealist, mister. No compromise.

Look out. There are just some things you
can't compromise on. Some things you

can.

New suit, yeah.

Dream house, maybe.

With a girl.

Can't compromise on the girl.