All language subtitles for Ed s02e09 Charity cases

Previously on Air... Are you the new
principal?

Yes, I am.

Dennis Martino. I've been looking over
your lesson plan, and frankly, I'm not

impressed. 32 teachers in this school.
Why do you have it in for me?

Maybe I'm just bored.

Seriously, at what point in his life did
Dennis Martino decide, okay, I'm a cool

guy. I'm gonna act like a cool guy.
People are gonna see me as a cool guy.

gonna reap the benefits of being a cool
guy.

Man, it's a mystery.

Guy's a jerk. There you go. Mystery
solved.

Aha, but what makes him a jerk, that is
the mystery. What happened in

Massachusetts?

These are always the guys that you go
for. The attractive, hard -to -crack

You know, the broken guy that you can
fix.

I, Miss Bessie, am a drunk.

What's Dennis doing here?

Well, he just told me that he and Carol
Bessie hang out together after school.

I was just beginning not to hate you.

Really?

Me too.

Let's play, like, a Winter Wonderland in
here.

Winter Wonderland. You know, I've always
had a problem with that song.

Oh. In the meadow, we can build a
snowman and pretend that he is Parson

Uh -huh. He'll say, are you married?
We'll say, no man.

What?

No man?

That's what you call the parson? Man?

Hey, man, Parson Brown.

Man? He's a member of the clergy. You
don't call him man. It should be no sir.

But no sir doesn't rhyme with no ma 'am.

True. Morning, ladies.

Good morning. Hi, Dennis.

Miss Vessi, you know, I could use some
help arranging the faculty Christmas

party. Would you mind stopping by my
office after six period?

No. Yeah, sure.

Yeah? Okay.

See you then.

Lordy mama.

What? There's enough electricity in the
air to power a damn Ferris wheel. Molly,

please. No, no. Come on. Something is
going to happen with you two. I can feel

it. And when it happens, I will know it.
How will you know it? Because I will

see it in your face.

You might want to take a better look.

When

it's

my moment in the sun Oh, how beautiful

I'll be

But in a normal sort of way.

Like I am you and you are me.

Why don't you tell me?

No, I don't. I'm telling you now.

I knew it.

I knew that you and Dennis would... What
exactly have you done?

We've, um... We've kissed.

A couple of times.

But that's it. When did he make his
move?

You? Made the move? You made the move?

Shh! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, so,
um... What, like... Are you guys, like,

dating now? No. I don't know. No.

He's my boss. I don't want to be dating
the boss.

Isn't that... We're supposed to not be
doing?

Yeah, pretty much.

Hang on.

Ed and I can smell this coming a mile
away.

Oh.

You haven't told him yet, have you? No,
no. Okay, well, I think you should. The

sooner the better. Just get it out of
the way.

Oh, you think?

I mean, I'm not even sure if anything's
going to come of this.

Just tell him, Carol. Okay, don't let
him find out some other way.

So is Dennis a good kisser? Molly. What?

What did this girl talk?

Yeah, Christmas came a little earlier
this year for Carol Bessie. Shut up.

Honey, have you seen my gray socks?

Honey?

Thanks, Kenny.

Bosco, I've got a wowser of a theme for
the Stucky Bowl Christmas party. A

theme? Okay, you're not hearing me. A
wowser of a theme.

I heard the word wowser and chose not to
repeat it. Christmas on Jupiter.

Picture this.

Alien creatures with the upper bodies of
elves and the asses of reindeer.

A two -headed Santa shooting lasers out
of his beard.

Beards. Right. So what do you say?

No. Suppose it was a three -headed
Santa.

Good morning, miss.

Good morning.

I'm here to see your...

Bowling alley lawyer.

Your name, please.

Leonard Prescott.

At your service.

Excuse me.

Prescott? The Leonard Prescott? As in
Prescott Park, Prescott Library,

Medical Center? Yeah, I really have to
stop letting him slap my name up on all

those buildings.

It is an honor to meet you, sir. I'm Ed
Stephens. Come on in. Have a seat. Yeah.

That assistant of yours. What a delight.

Married? Single?

Got a fella?

Yeah, honestly, I don't know.

How can I help you, sir?

I need an elf.

Excuse me?

Philanthropy is my game. For 50 years,
I've been giving away to those people in

need. I'm well aware of the Prescott
Foundation, sir. But this Christmas, I

it to be different.

I don't want to draw a line at those
people in need. This Christmas, I want

give away to everybody.

Everybody? Yeah, I've got plenty to go
around.

You see, everybody can just come up and
ask for what they want the most, then

I'll just write them a check, and it's
theirs.

Wow. Just like Santa Claus.

Yeah, exactly.

And Santa needs him an elf. That is
where you come in, Mr. Severinsen.

Stevens, what do the elf duties consist
of? Oh, all that lawyering stuff. You

know, paperwork and making sure the
giving goes smoothly.

You don't have a lawyer on retainer?
Yeah, sure, 38, but none of those

suits can comprehend why I'm doing this.
Why do you want to do this?

I want you to think of the best present
you ever had.

The one you enjoyed the most. Now think
hard.

Third grade, parents gave me a Snoopy
snow cone machine.

Drop an ice cube in, get a snow cone
out. Yum, yum, fun is what it's all

Oh, that look on your face just now.

That's the joy of getting the perfect
present.

That's why I want to do this.

Got yourself an elf, Mr. Prescott.

Yum, yum, fun?

Yeah, that's what they said on the
commercial.

Yum, yum, fun.

Hi, everybody, and thanks for joining
us. I'm Steve Kometko.

Mike,

what are you doing? I want to see that
thing on Larry Hagman's breakdown.

Dinner table isn't a place for TV,
Nance. Since when?

Tonight.

I'm going to start setting a better
example for Sarah.

Okay. What brought this on?

This morning I was walking around naked
eating a Pop -Tart. Business as usual.

I looked over, and Sarah was staring at
me.

Oh, honey. Oh, man, she's getting that
in. She's old enough to be aware of her

surroundings. She's watching everything
we do.

She's listening to everything we say.

Right. Right. So it's time we start
kicking some bad habits.

One more TV at dinner. Wait a minute.

You were eating a Pop -Tart naked, so I
can't watch E! News Daily.

Come on, let's have a nice stimulating
conversation.

Okay.

My favorite modern architect is Frank
Gehry.

Some eggnog while you wait?

This smells like paint thinner.

I'm still fine tuning the egg to nog
ratio.

You're welcome, Mr. Booten.

And a Merry Christmas.

And enjoy that trampoline.

Next!

Next!

Hello, I'm Jennifer Karras.

Well, Miss Karras, and what would you
like?

This is for real.

You're just giving away money.

Yes, I am.

What's the catch?

There's no catch.

And I don't have to, like, go look at
condos or something?

No. You just tell me what you want, and
I give you a check.

Okay.

Well, I could use a new microwave oven.

Microwave? You've got it.

How much does one of those filber
bitches cost?

Two hundred.

Two hundred.

Two hundred.

Thank you so much.

What if I'd asked for two microwaves?

You could have had 400.

Next.

Next.

Uh, P.

Washington Stubs.

Oh, boy.

And what can I give you today, Mr.
Stubs?

I'd like $50 billion, please.

Phil. All right.

All right.

A mechanical bull. What? It was the
first thing that popped into my head.

And what does that cost?

Fifty billion dollars.

Well, I'm all done with these.

Okay. Well, great.

If you'll pick up the cake in the
morning at the pie shop, we'll be all

Sure. I can pick up the cake.

Great.

Thanks for helping out.

No problem.

Dennis. Yeah.

About the kissing thing that we've been
doing. Yeah.

I just, I wanted to say that I think
it's really great that it hasn't gotten

the way of our, you know, what we do
here.

You know, employer -employee
relationship. Because it can sometimes,

can be bad.

Yeah.

Or so I've heard. Not that it has to be
bad, though. I mean, it doesn't, because

it's just, you know, it's kissing.
What's the big deal about kissing? It's

lips touching together.

People touch their hands together every
time they shake, and that's not a big

deal. And people pat each other on the
back all the time without giving it a

second thought. You know what that is?

It's skin on hands.

That's it.

There's nothing to panic about, really.
No, I'm not panicked.

I'm not either.

I'm going to go. Okay.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah.

I think that's it.

All righty. I was just heading my
stride.

Sir, we've been doing this for the last
ten hours.

Excuse me. Am I too late?

Not at all.

What's your name?

Tom. Tom Lemaire.

All right. Mr. Lemaire, yours is the
last gift of the day. So let's make it

something good.

Wow, really?

Well, I'd love a new CD player.

Not good enough.

Really? All right, well...

About a projection TV?

Not good enough.

And big, Mr. Lemaire. Big, big.

Well, you know, what I've always really
wanted more than anything else in the

world is to see this great land of ours
from the driver's seat of my very own

Winnebago. Now you're talking.

Uh, excuse me, sir. Those things have
got to run a good $100 ,000.

Then Mr. Lemaire is lucky that I'm a
very rich man.

Thank you.

Sir, I... I don't know how I could
possibly ever thank you. Send me a

How about Mount Rushmore?

No, but if you can find something with
an animal in human clothing, that's

always good for a laugh.

Merry Christmas.

Guess it's time to close up shop.

Boy, oh boy.

That felt good!

You're the real thing, Mr. Prescott.
You're a real -life Santa Claus. And you

are a natural -born elf.

Thank you, Mr. Haley.

All right.

I'm going to give you a countdown, and
when I get to one, hit the switch.

You ready? Ready.

All right.

53.

52.

51.

50.

49. 48.

I have a Mr. Bruce Kapler here to see
you.

Mr. Stevens, I'm the executive director
of the Prescott Foundation.

Oh, great. Nice to meet you. Your man,
Mr. Prescott, was in here yesterday.

an amazing fellow. He gave away almost
$200 ,000.

Yes, which would be great, except for
one thing.

What's that?

He doesn't have a dime.

He doesn't have a dime? What do you mean
he doesn't have a dime? Mr. Prescott is

flat broke.

No, that's...

He's the richest man in Stuckyville.
Only up here.

The old man has lost his grip on
reality.

He wouldn't listen to me. He wouldn't
listen to his accountants. He just gave

and gave and gave until there was
nothing left.

His personal account has been closed for
over a year.

His personal account?

Yes. All of those checks are going to
bounce.

Mr.

Kapler, I hate to tell you that those
weren't personal checks he was writing.

They were from the Prescott Foundation.

Oh, no, no. He's not supposed to have
the, um...

Oh, my God.

$180 ,000?

Mm -hmm.

That's our operating budget for the
year.

When they cash those checks, we'll be
wiped out. We'll have to close the

and the soup kitchen.

This will bankrupt the entire
foundation.

How could you let him do this?

I'm sorry, Mr. Capital. I had no idea.

So... Crazy old man stumbles into your
office, tells you he wants to give away

thousands of dollars, and you're just
fine with it.

First of all, he didn't stumble. He
wasn't crazy. He didn't seem crazy. He

Leonard Prescott. He was supposed to be
rich.

Can't you just stop payment on the
checks?

No, we can't. We tried. Most of them
have already been cashed. So now what?

Now, I don't know. I guess I just go
house to house and ask everybody to give

the money back.

Oh, God, that sounds like a horrible
job.

It's like you're the Grinch. Yeah, the
Grinch. Your heart's three sizes too

small. I'm like your forehead.

Easy there, Grinch. You know, I'm not
going to do this alone. You're coming

me. Why me? You call me Grinch. So did
they.

You did it first.

True. No, wait a minute. That's not
true. They're starting to grow weary of

forehead jokes.

This isn't going to be any fun.

What do you want me to do?

Come with me and stand there looking
Christmassy.

Hey, Mr. Barber.

Mr. Stevens.

Hey, Justin.

This is that nice lawyer who helped us
get all these great presents.

So, what can I do for you?

Oh, here's the thing.

I guess it's official.

The most hated man in Stockieville.

That is not true.

Carol, did you see the look on Mrs.
McClister's face when we took her new

machine back?

You can't worry about that. Nobody uses
those things more than once anyway.

Bed. Yeah?

Listen.

You shouldn't feel so bad about all of
this. None of it was your fault.

Thanks, Carol.

I gotta get over to the school.

Um, big faculty Christmas party tonight.

Oh, yeah, right. Have fun.

Good night, Mr. Grinch.

Good night.

Bad news, Bosco.

There's a no -return policy on the
mechanical bolt.

I know. It's a damn shame.

Hey, honey.

What's with the music?

I can't enjoy some music.

You don't like this music.

This is some, uh, very pleasant music.
Mike, you know nothing about this music.

You have had the same classic rock
mixtape on the stereo for six years.

Quick, what's that instrument, an oboe
or a bassoon? Honey, why does it bother

you so much that I'm trying to class
myself up a little for Sarah?

Because we're just fine the way we are.

Yes.

You know you'd love it.

Ride, Captain, ride upon your mystery
ship.

Be amazed at the friends you have here
on your trip.

Ride, Captain, ride upon your mystery
ship.

Thank you.

Should have told him. I couldn't. He was
too upset about the whole Prescott

fiasco. You know what I always say. Best
time to hear depressing news is when

you're already depressed.

You don't always say that.

Sure I do.

Hello, girls.

Well, hello, Mr. Bronkowski. You having
a holly jolly Christmas?

Yes, I am. My social studies class just
gave me a beautiful new relief glow.

You know, the bumpy kind.

Oh, that is great. You know, you can
never truly appreciate the majesty of

Himalayas until you've rubbed them.

Good evening, everyone.

Dennis. Hello.

Mr. Brankowski, you're just the man I
wanted to see. Oh?

I'm interested in your opinion on
something. What's that?

The origin of the kiss.

Ah, the kiss.

Why is it that we humans express our
affection by touching our lips together?

It's kind of strange when you think
about it, isn't it?

Right. Yes, well, many anthropologists
believe that kissing evolved from

chewing their food and then passing it
on to their children through their

That's what I thought.

Fascinating.

Why do you ask? It's just curious.

Just curious.

Enjoy the party, everyone.

Excuse me.

You're blocking the potato salad.

Oh.

Hello.

Hello. Oh, Mr. LeMary, you got my
message. Yeah. Thanks for coming. I'm

have to tell you this. Come outside.

You got to see something.

Okay. You ready, Ed?

Here it is.

My brand new Winnebago.

What do you think?

It's really something, Mr. LeMire.
You're damn right it is.

Come on.

Step inside my world on wheels. That's
what I call it. My world on wheels.

Hey, hey, look at me. I'm Captain Kirk.

Warp speed, Dr. Spock.

Look, Mr. LeMire. Hey, check this out.

I got a TV.

TV in my car.

Think about it. I could watch a movie
about cars while I'm sitting in my car.

That's like, I mean, that's like...
Okay, look, Mr. Murray, I don't... Hey,

want to try the shower? You would not
believe the water pressure on this

bastard. It'll knock you unconscious.

Mr. Murray, you can't keep this
Winnebago.

What? You can't keep the Winnebago.
Look, I'm very sorry about this, but

money you received, it belonged to the
Prescott Foundation. It's supposed to go

to charity.

Whoa. Yeah. Uh -uh.

Uh -uh.

Prescott gave that money to me. He knew
I was going to spend it on a bagel. This

is my bagel. Mr.

Mayor, please, listen.

I'm very sorry about this. Really, I am.
But you have to understand, if you

don't give the money back, the Prescott
Foundation will have to close.

I'm sure you'd sleep better at night
knowing you did the right thing here. I

sleep fine.

The bedroom came with one of those white
noise machines.

I hear that sound.

I'm out like a light. Mr. Mayor, if you
don't return that money, I may have no

choice but to take you to court.

You've got to be kidding. You don't have
a case.

Happy holidays, Mr. Mayor.

Are you here to apologize?

Apologize? Yes.

Yes, that little stunt you just pulled
back there is exactly the kind of thing

that's going to get us into trouble.

Uh, no.

I'm not here to apologize.

Then why are you here?

So, this is a bit new for me.

Really? Which part would that be?

The part where I sleep with my boss.

Oh, I see.

Yeah. My brain keeps screaming, no,
Carol, not Dennis Martino.

Danger.

Why don't you listen?

Because something else inside me.

Keep saying that maybe you're worth the
risk.

Oh, that's too bad.

That's too bad.

Really hoping he wouldn't show.

Mr. Capper, we can't win this.

Why not?

He asked Mr. Prescott for some money to
buy Winnebago. Got the money. Bought a

Winnebago.

Not exactly a lot to sink your legal
teeth into.

Well, then why are we here?

I figured it was worth a shot to see if
he'd get scared off and not show up.

Since that didn't happen, I have to hope
for a Christmas miracle.

Case number LWB729, the Prescott
Foundation versus Thomas Lemire.

Now, Mr. Stevens, I can see we have a
case number here.

What I don't see is a case.

Your Honor, the Prescott Foundation does
a lot of good for a lot of people. Now,

we can go round and round in circles
here, but let me cut to the chase.

If Mr. Lemire keeps the Winnebago...

The Prescott Foundation goes out of
business. A lot of people will suffer.

opposing counsel is going to stand up
and say that Winnebago was a gift and

there is no law that can force Mr.
LeMayor to give it back. Perhaps he's

But all things considered, is that
really the best decision to make here?

Thank you.

Stronger.

Winnebago was a gift and there is no law
that can force Mr. LeMayor to give it

back.

Mr. Stevens, I know you know what my
decision has to be. I have no authority

take away Mr. Le Maire's gift.

I rule in favor of the defendant.

I'd appreciate the triad.

We can't give up yet. Is there any way
we could raise the money?

We'll see.

For a guy with no case, you were pretty
good, weren't you?

Yeah.

I thought for a second you were actually
going to move the old bastard.

For a guy who won, you can't feel good
about shutting down the Prescott

Foundation, can you?

Ed, are you actually going to try to
carve out some high moral ground for

yourself? Come on, Tim, we're talking
about $100 ,000 that should be going to

charity. And it's not because your
client won't do what's right.

Hey, that's a nice wristwatch.

How much you pay for it?

$150.

Why? Couldn't you buy a perfectly
functional watch for, say, $50?

Yeah. And that $100 left over, couldn't
that help a charity?

Yeah. Yeah, but that's not... So why are
you walking around with that fancy

watch on your wrist?

You're taking $100 away from medical
research.

And what about the car you drive?

Couldn't you make do with less?

Wouldn't that money be better spent
buying food and clothes for a needy

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You've got
no right to... Your watch is a lot

fancier than mine. But at least I'm self
-consistent.

You're the one saying Tommy LeMaire
should give up the Winnebago.

You're a hypocrite, Ed.

I'm not a hypocrite.

Then how can you justify the luxuries
you enjoy?

Morally speaking, there's not a shred of
difference between you and Tommy

LeMaire.

Mr. Martino?

Yes, Eunice.

Carol Bessie is here to see you.

Not right now, Eunice. I'm kind of busy.

Okay, I'll tell her.

Hello, I'm home.

Matt?

What the... Welcome home, Michael. Would
you like a crumpet?

Oh, I see you're mocking me. No, no, no,
Michael, I'm not mocking you.

I'm merely offering you a crumpet.

Crumpet? You want to make fun of me for
wanting to be a good influence on my

daughter? Oh, yes.

Darling, do say hello to Papa.

You done yet? Honey, I'm just having a
little fun.

I do have quite a bit of time on my
hands.

Yeah, Nath, I just don't think you're
taking me seriously.

Oh, come on, I am too.

Nope, you're not.

Crumpet?

What am I looking at exactly?

I've decided to give away everything I
don't really, really need to charity.

Everything you don't need or everything
you own?

Anything less would be hypocritical.

I think that you're going a little
overboard, Ed. No, I'm not going

okay? This lawyer guy today was right.
How can I justify having a $150 watch

when there's people starving in the
world? Well, then give him the watch.

It's not about the watch. It's about
stuff, stuff, stuff. I got all this

I don't need all this stuff.

Yeah!

Come on up.

The guys from the Prescott Foundation
are here.

Ed, this is crazy. You're only keeping
two pairs of pants?

Oh, yeah.

Pants. And backup pants.

Huh.

Hey, guys.

Hi. Come on in. It's Stevens.

Lost my lease. Everything must go.

TV goes? TV goes. Take it away.

No.

The TV does not go.

Carol, it's fine. Look, I can live a
long and happy life without watching the

education of Max Bickford.

Guys, why don't you, um, have some
socks?

Hey, Carol, what are you doing? You
don't have a say. She doesn't have a

course I do, honey.

Honey. I'm his wife.

You have to forgive my husband.
Sometimes he gets a little bit

know.

I'll take potent potables for 500, Alex.

Right?

Let's get the TV.

Get the TV.

Beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.

It's beginning to feel a lot like a nut
house.

Excuse me.

Gather around, people. Over at the snack
bar, please.

Okay. So I've got an idea for the
Christmas...

Party, excuse me. Who are you, sir?

Fred Butt.

And what are you doing at this meeting?

I don't know. You said gather around
people, so I figured something was up.

I'm sorry. I just met my staff.

Oh.

All right.

Okay.

Here's my idea for this Christmas party.
Bosco, before you embarrass yourself,

I've already thought of the perfect
theme for the party. Now, I know you

rejected Jupiter. How about this?

Saturn. Saturn, the planet of the car.

The planet?

Saturn any different from Jupiter, you
moron.

Rings? Okay, look.

The theme for this year's Christmas
party is going to be charity.

Charity the car or charity the planet?

What? What? What?

I was making a joke.

Okay, look. Here's what we're going to
do. We're going to turn this bowling

alley into one giant fundraising
machine. We're going to raise $100 ,000,

so doing, we're going to single
-handedly keep the Prescott Foundation's

open. What do you think? I think it's a
fantastic idea. I'm in.

Red. Me too.

I could use the Hail Mary to get me off
the naughty list.

Great. Let the preparations begin.

Okay, Carmilla, the number's on the
kitchen counter if you need us, but we

shouldn't be too late. Oh, that's not a
problem, Mrs.

Barton. Great.

Ready? Yep. Still mad at me? Nope. Come
on, it was a joke.

It was funny. Yep, fine, let's go.

You got a joke.

Carmela loves jokes.

Well, Carmela, actually, it was just a
funny dinner I planned for him. It was

nothing. Why did the bear cross the
road?

Because it was a chicken's day off.

Normally, it's always a chicken who's
crossing the road.

There is no chicken today.

It is a bear.

Christmas on Venus.

What?

Nanu nanu.

Hey, Carol.

Glad you could make it. Nice to see you.
Now, come on. Start emptying that

pocketbook. Ed. What? You seem a little
overly caffeinated.

Ah, nah. Christmas spirit.

Nature's caffeine. Now, come on. Chop,
chop. Let's go. Start dropping some

I will not. I'm going to.

What?

Nothing.

That seems like something.

It's nothing.

Okay, it's nothing.

Come on.

Let's go 200

going

once going twice going three times

Four times. Going five times.

Come on, people. It's Christmas. Where's
your spirit? Let's do the right thing

here. Think about what we're offering. A
night to remember.

Fine dancing and race dogs. Who's going
to give me $2 ,000?

I'm looking for $2 ,000. Who's giving me
the deuce?

Who's... People.

Folks, what's the matter with you?
There's people out there who need your

I'm looking for the deuce.

I'm going to need the loo. Okay.

Hey. So are you enjoying the big charity
bash?

Yes, I am.

Yeah, it's all right.

Good. Excellent.

Did your assistant mention that I
stopped by your office the other day?

She did. I'm sorry I couldn't meet with
you. I was swamped.

Oh, no need to explain. I understand.

Something wrong?

Wrong with me? No, I'm great. I'm
terrific.

Okay. Okay.

Was I some kind of, um, pride for you?

A what?

Conquest. You keep talking about how you
want to avoid cliches, but what is

this? We sleep together, and then you
bring a date.

Here. A date?

Is that what's got you upset, my date?

Is she your cousin or your sister or
something?

No, she's my date.

to deal with you people. What are you,
living in 1953?

All right.

We're both adults.

We had a little roll in the hay. What do
you expect me to do? Take you to the

soda shop and ask you to wear my pin?

Ever since I met you, I had a feeling in
my gut about you and my gut was wrong.

Hi.

Hello.

I'm officially apologizing, okay? You're
right. I'm wrong. I'm sorry that I

didn't take you seriously. You always
take my nutty things seriously.

You think I'm being nutty? Well, yeah, a
little. But I do think that we should

try to set a better example for Sarah.

Yeah, she's like a giant sponge right
now. Whenever she sees us do it, it's

exactly what she's going to do. She's
not a baby anymore. I know.

So from here on in, we'll really try to
be the right role model for her.

Oh,

you're so cool.

With that big motorcycle.

Okay.

Okay?

Please stop moving.

Ed!

How's the boy?

Mr. Prescott. Mr. Kepler.

Well, what are you doing in here? Life
is a cabaret, old chump. Why didn't you

come out and join the party?

How does it seem to be going?

It, uh, it...

Not very well, I'm afraid. It's like
pulling teeth out there.

Yeah, well, you can't expect to fall
back on the very first time you dip your

toe into the charity pond.

I talked to this lawyer this week who
asked me how I could own a $150 watch

there's people starving in the world,
and he's right, and I don't know why

people out there can't understand that.

Look, Ed, you are looking at a man who
spent his lifetime helping the needy.

See that?

Mm -hmm.

Brightling. $1 ,800.

If everyone gave away everything...

No one would have anything. Now, they
all know what they can give.

Don't pull teeth.

Mr. Prescott. Look, I'm sorry to cut you
off, but if I don't get a rum and coke

in the next two minutes, I'm going to
die.

He's quite a guy.

Yes, he is.

Excuse me, everyone.

May I have your attention, please?

Thank you.

When someone asks you to donate money to
charity, how much should you give?

Well, why not everything?

Why not? If it's for a good cause, if it
can help people, shouldn't you give

every last penny you don't absolutely
need for yourself? Isn't that what logic

would tell you?

Well...

Charity isn't about logic. It's about
feeling. So I'm very sorry if I've been

pushing you all to give until it hurts.

Giving should never hurt.

You should just give until it feels
good.

We're here tonight because Leonard
Prescott needs your help.

If we don't raise $100 ,000, the
Prescott Foundation will have to close

doors. So I'm asking you to give. How
much?

There's only one way to know, really.
Just trust what's in here.

Thank you. Thank you for listening.

Okay, Mr. Prescott, Mr. Kepler, on
behalf of Stucky Bowl, I am pleased,

and honored to present you with $107
,452.

Whoa, Bosco, we don't have $107 ,000.

Pardon me? We didn't raise $107 ,000.

Well, what about the thermometer? You
painted the thermometer for above $100

,000. Well, I was caught up in the
moment. I mean, you know, it seemed like

thing to do. Everybody was getting
really excited every time I painted it.

Uh, how much do we have?

$8 ,612 .35.

What? I'm just tooling on you.

107452, my friend.

Thank you, Ed. You're welcome.

Yeah, I'm not 100 % sure I can condone
your methods, but thank you. You don't

condone my methods, but you're the one
that inspired me to tell him to give

less. Yeah, but that cockamamie story of
yours about the foundation going out of

business, that was very good.

Right. Right.

I'm sorry, sir. I guess I got a little
desperate. Not a problem.

Rookie.

Hey.

Hi. I just came out to get a little air.
Thanks.

How you doing?

I'm fine.

You know, I think I like it better when
some jerk does something mean to me and

I get to be the one pretending to be
fine.

I slept with him.

Ooh. Yeah.

And now I have to admit I was wrong
about Dennis Martino.

Well, better to find out now, right?

Right.

So, what's the final tally in there?

107 ,000 canaries.

Wow. Yeah. I guess Ed's little giving is
a feeling speech really hit home.

Absolutely. Sometimes you've just got to
trust your gut.

Keyword. Sometimes.

Come on.

Let's go back in.

No one always cheers me up at times like
these. What's that?

A ride on mechanical wool. Oh, no. Oh,
yes.