All language subtitles for Ed s02e01 The stars align

Sorry, we'll never really know what
would have happened. I'm jealous.

I'm jealous.

And last May, on the season finale, Ed
and Carol were finally about to come

together. Do you want to come in for a
drink?

A drink.

Now, there's only one thing that could
get in their way.

Bonnie, what are you doing here?

Well, I'll tell you if you let me in.
Well, I've... Okay.

First, you'll have to explain why you're
wearing that.

Oh, hello.

Hi.

Carol, Bonnie, you remember Carol Vesey?

Yes, of course.

Carol, you remember Bonnie Hain?

Yeah, hi, hi.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry. Am I interrupting
anything?

No. No. As a matter of fact, I was just
leaving right now. Yes.

Yes. You are.

You're interrupting a conversation
between Carol and I about

raisins.

Raisins?

They're nature's candy.

And now that we've agreed on that, I
really should be going. No, no. Sit.

Sit, Carol. Sit.

Sit.

Bonnie, sit.

Sit.

Sit. Let's all sit.

Okay.

What, um... So, uh... What brings you
back to our little town of Stockville,

Bonnie? Oh, just tying up some loose
ends at the DA's office.

Shouldn't take more than a couple of
days.

I see.

Just a few loose ends.

How are things in Washington?

Life is great.

I live in Georgetown, and it's...
Georgetown.

Georgetown. Home of the Hoyas.

It's an interesting word, isn't it,
Hoya? Like, um...

Has a Spanish flavor to it, kind of
like... Wouldn't you say, Carolina?

How about some bottle?

How beautiful.

So what happened next? You, Carol, and
Bonnie all start kissing each other? No,

Mike. Carol, Bonnie and I did not all
start kissing one another. They left.

It would have been a much better story
if you, Carol, and Bonnie all started

kissing each other.

Sport, why don't you put the woody
banter on hold for about ten seconds and

think about what happened here.

History. It was almost one for the
history books. Carol and I, we were...

were this close. We were this close. We
were... We were this close.

Sorry, how close?

Woody banter, sorry.

I gotta get that moment back, Mike.

What do you think I should do?

Well, you just... You pick up where you
left off, Ed.

Me and Carol are about to get together,
right?

Yeah. And so Bonnie spoiled the moment,
so big deal.

We'll make another moment.

Ask Carol out.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Hey, you see that lawn gnome over there?

Yeah. Ten bucks if you go over there and
give it a kiss.

Mr. Gordon's gonna see me.

That's what makes it hilarious.

Morning, Mr. Gordon.

Good morning.

You have a nice day.

Uh, excuse me.

Hi, do you need some help?

Yeah, I'm looking for the principal's
office.

Oh, okay. It's, um, it's down the hall.

And then, um... Are you the new
principal?

Yes, I am.

Dennis Martino. Hi, Molly Hudson,
science.

This is Carol Bessie, jewel of the
English department.

Yeah. Pleased to meet you.

So left or right?

Uh, it's left at the end of the hall.

Dennis. Miles and I have been teaching
here forever, so if you need anybody to

help you out, we'd be happy to show you
the ropes.

Thanks. I think I've got it under
control.

What a jerk. Yeah, I thought he was more
of a tool.

Hey, Mark, check it out.

Foskett's parents are out of town this
weekend.

So? So he's having a party.

And just how exactly does that affect me
in my life? I think we should go.

Did you slip in the tub this morning,
man?

There's no way we're getting into that
party.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Let's spend another Friday night in my
basement eating my mom's zucchini bread

and watching Battle Bodies. I'll be
fine. Here comes your would -be

She's just a little dingus.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Donna.

David. Donna and I are going to the re
-release of The French Lieutenant's

this weekend.

Perhaps you'd care to join us?

Actually, no.

Mark and I are going to Fozcat's party.
You're going to Fozcat?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Perhaps you'd care to join us?

I haven't received an invitation.

Hey, that's not a problem. As long as
you're with us, you're totally cool.

Right?

So you guys coming?

Yeah, sure.

Nice. Thanks, Horn.

Sure, buddy.

Now what, genius?

Now we just finally went to Foskett's
party.

You're going to pay money to go to a
party? That's pathetic.

Not money, my bunioness companion.

Beer. If I bring the beer, Foskett's got
to let me in, right? Yes. Right? Yes,

but you're not 21, you moronic one.

Just leave that to me.

I just thought we should celebrate your
last days of working, Mom.

Oh, Mike, this is going to be so great.

Starting tomorrow, I am finally going to
have the time to turn this place into a

home. Yep. No more living like 23 -year
-olds. I hear you. See Mount Kilimanjaro

over there? Kiss goodbye, my friend.
Amen, sister.

And all these piles of stuff everywhere.
They are a thing of the past. A thing

of the past. Testify to me.

But my first project, honey, my first
project... is going to be...

Right here.

Mike, two years ago, I bought this copy
of A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering

Genius. Two years it's been propping up
the broken couch leg. Well, you know

what? I didn't buy A Heartbreaking Work
of Staggering Genius to prop up a couch

leg, Mike. I bought A Heartbreaking Work
of Staggering Genius so I could read A

Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.

That couch is getting fixed tomorrow.

Here, try this.

What is it, a donut or a bagel? It's a
new thing called a donagle.

It's not a donut or a bagel. It's a
donagle.

Isn't it great?

This says the health inspector is coming
on Tuesday. What do we need to do for

that?

I don't know.

Phil always took care of that.

Hey, guys, we're shaking.

The health inspector who normally falls
under field ages is coming Tuesday.

We've got a vacuum of responsibility
here.

So, take charge, Kenny. Rise to the
occasion. Really?

Absolutely. Phil's gone, man. Phil's in
New York, right? Being the new Allen

front. You're in charge now. You get the
place ready for the health inspector.

Thanks, Chief.

This is all very exciting.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, Bonnie.

Hey, I remember you.

You're that lady.

Right.

Ed, we need to talk about last night.
Yeah, we do.

I'm afraid I kind of lied to you.

About what? Well, remember all that
business about tying up loose ends at

DA's office?

I made that up.

I didn't really come back here for work.

Why'd you come back?

I came back here for you, Ed.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Walter, look
it. If we don't control the point of

distribution, we got nothing.

All right? Now, that means we laid 1
,500 miles of optical cable to the

Philippines for nothing.

I need a keg.

Can I see some ID?

No, Walter, I don't think you do get it,
all right? Because if you did, it would

have happened now. And let me tell you
why.

Here's my concern.

I'm afraid I've hired a boy to do a
man's job.

I'm going to need that keg.

I've got to see some ID.

Oh, is that right?

Well, let me tell you something.

I don't give a rat's ass what the
chancellor said.

Because you, my friend, are not working
for the chancellor. You're working for

me. Walter, hold on.

I'm sorry. There's a 50. I'm parked out
front.

No, Walter.

Look, I don't want to hear it.

Damn it, Walter, shut your mouth, stop
bickering, and get your skinny ass on

next plane to Manila.

Listen, Bonnie, here's the thing.

First of all, I'm obviously flattered
that you've come back for me, but I have

to tell you, things have changed a lot
since you left.

You're seeing Carol now.

No, no, I'm not.

But Carol and I are in a different place
than we were before, so I just think it

would be for the best if you and I
didn't.

You know. I understand.

You do?

You're not upset?

No. I half expected something like this
would happen.

I can't say I'm not disappointed, but I
won't get over it.

So what should we do now? Hug? Shake?

I think the situation calls for one last
passionate kiss goodbye.

No, but I... I'm kidding, Ed. Okay. Nice
one.

You mean Foscat?

Or in Cheswick.

You've got to be kidding me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. Hold
on.

Foscat, I've got great news.

Really? Did you finally get some tail?

Mark?

As the great Edith Bunker would say...
Here's your beer, Archie.

How about it, Foscat? Weird?

Yeah, whatever.

Hello? All right, come on in, little
man.

Let's get our drink on.

Yeah.

All right there, my

dear. It's couch fixing time.

Let's call the furniture company and see
what's what.

Happy Viking.

Yes, hello. I bought one of your couches
three years ago, and the name of the

model is...

The Avenger.

It's kind of a funny name for a couch,
the Avenger.

Anyway, one of the legs is broke, so I
am on hold.

Mommy's on hold.

They're playing music.

Kill me softly.

Drawing my pen with your fingers.

Reading my love.

Hello, Smokehouse, Billy's Place for
Ribs.

I'd like a reservation for two for
tomorrow night for Ed Stevens.

That's one.

No, I'm a lawyer and I own a bowling
alley. Two separate things.

Mark, I gotta tell you, you impressed me
last night.

Chugging down those beers like it ain't
no thang.

Would you learn how to do that?

Hey, I didn't have to learn. God blessed
me with a hearty constitution.

You're a little murky.

A lightweight.

I know, right?

Two beers and he was staggering around
like Foster Brooks.

That's awesome.

Oh, man. Man, I can't wait for the next
party.

Definitely. This is so cool. There's a
whole new world opening up to it.

Yep. We're a couple of trailblazing sons
of bitches.

Are you Warren Cheswick?

Oh, yes, I am.

Not Warren Cheswick.

Son, you're going to have to come with
me.

What? Why?

Excuse me. Officer, can I ask what's
going on here?

Last night, this young man brought a keg
of beer to a party.

A boy named David Murski got drunk, fell
off his bike on the way home, and broke

his arm.

His parents are pressing charges.

Holy crap.

What's the charge? Criminal negligence.

What? Are you kidding me? What? Is that
a battle?

Come on, son.

Let's take a ride.

Okay. Come on. Oh, my God. It's okay,
Warren. I'll be right behind you.

Ed. Ed.

What did they say?

Well, I just talked to the DA. They are,
in fact, charging with criminal

negligence. What is that?

Well, Warren, it's a very aggressive
charge. I think the prosecutor's trying

make an example of you.

Ed, just give it to me straight. What's
the worst that can happen?

Well... If you're found guilty, now,
worst case scenario, you could spend

time in a juvenile detention center. I
knew it. I knew it. I'm going upstate.

Oh, my God.

I'm going upstate to this and some guy
with a name like Ice or Big Daddy is

going to make me his bitch.

And he's going to trade me for a car and
those cigarettes are a girly magazine.

Warren, Warren, Warren.

What?

Sit.

Okay.

Look, it's just the worst case scenario,
okay? Frankly, I'm more concerned about

what a guilty verdict will look like on
your record. Oh, my God, my record.

Oh, my God. What college is going to
want an ex -con in their freshman class?

Oberlin? I don't think so.

Try to relax, okay?

Listen.

I know.

And I'm going to help you.

Hey, Carol, listen.

You know, I know all about it.

Criminal negligence. How ridiculous can
you get? Poor Warren. No, yeah, you're

right. Look, Carol. I'm very sorry that
David Murski got hurt, but that's not

exactly Warren's fault.

No, you're right. I totally agree, but
Carol, I... Is that a man forced to keep

the drink? I mean, David was gonna...
Yeah.

Let's go out tomorrow night.

Tomorrow? Um, I can't. I have a tutoring
session.

Well, that's okay. I'll pick you up when
you're done.

Actually, this could go kind of late.
Maybe 1, 2 o 'clock in the morning.

Frankly, this...

This kid, he's, um, he's thick.

Carol, look, I'm really, really sorry
about the other night. I've actually

giving this a great deal of thought, and
I was thinking maybe it's for the best.

What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. For the best? Yeah,
maybe, maybe Bonnie's showing up that's,

um, maybe it's fate.

Fate? Fate?

You get enough iron in your diet? Look,
you and I, we were gonna, we were about

to... Look, it's not our fault she
showed up.

No, it's not our fault.

It's not our fault. That's exactly my
point. And when two people are meant to

together, it's not supposed to be so
complicated, you know? I mean, the stars

align and it just happens. You know what
I mean?

The stars align?

Yeah. But you know what I mean.

I don't, you know? I don't know what you
mean. Bonnie interrupted us. Big deal.

Now Bonnie's leaving, so no more
interruptions. So what does that have to

with the stars?

I should get going.

Have another tutoring session.

I don't.

This little health inspector gets a load
of this, huh?

This grill is so clean you can eat off
of it.

Excuse me.

How you doing?

I got your pony here. Our pony?

This is Stucky Bowl, right?

Yes, it is, but that's not our pony. It
is now.

I don't think we want a pony.

Well, you ordered one.

One pony, $700, ordered by Phil Stubbs.
Oh, I see.

You see, Mr. Stubbs is no longer with
the company. Look, buddy, this is a

invoice. I just drove three hours to get
here, so do me a favor.

Take your pony and give me my 700 bucks.

Okay.

Come with me.

Shirley?

Why is there a horse at the snack bar?

It's a pound one.

Ah.

Hi. Hi, Ed.

What's going on? I thought you were
heading back to Washington.

Oh, I'm not due back for a couple of
days.

Oh. Is that... Oh.

Actually, I was wondering if you'd like
to take me out to dinner tomorrow night.

It's my last night in town. Oh, is it?
Unless you have other plans.

No.

No, I don't have other plans.

Well, then.

Yes, I'll take you out to dinner.

I'll meet you at the Smiling Goat, 8
.30?

Smiling Goat, 8 .30.

What are you doing?

Hey, young scholar.

Today, we are going to dive right into
the great Gatsby.

That's got to be... Warren.

Yes, Miss Bessie.

What is that?

The new principal is making me wear this
today.

You've got to be kidding me.

Because of that thing with the beer?

Warren, take it off.

Warren, this is my classroom, not
Principal Martino's. You may take it

It's just that the new principal told me
that if I don't wear this all day, I

get expelled.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I think you work for me, don't you?

Warren Cheswick is a great kid.

I don't know where you come from, but
where I come from, we don't humiliate

sensitive 17 -year -old boys by making
them walk around high school with a

billboard on their head.

And since you do work for me, then I
would say that the last, oh, 35 seconds

so fall squarely into the bad career
move category, wouldn't you?

You're insane, and that's fine. But if
you want to come and traumatize one of

students, you better damn well have a
good excuse.

I would.

I would call it a bad career move.

What is with you? Are you such a coward
that you won't explain yourself?

What's your name?

Carol Vessi.

Carol Vessi.

I guess. Born and bred in Stuckyville.

Had big plans, but somehow ended up
retreating back to her safe Stuckyville

cocoon. where the kid in the local ice
cream parlor always gives her a little

bigger scoop than the other girls.

English teacher.

So there's probably a really bad half
-finished novel in her nightstand drawer

right next to her journal where she jots
down platitudes about how hard her life

is and how no one really understands
her.

How am I doing so far?

Oh, yeah, one more thing, and this is
not a guess.

She's also burdened with the gross
misconception that the principal of this

school needs to discuss his methods with
a mediocre, uninspired teacher.

Now back to guessing.

I got my money on a huffy turn and a
defiant exit.

Is this it? Yeah, this is the one.

It's been broken for a while, but I
recently quit my job, so I finally got

around to fixing it. You know, I feel
like this whole place is really going to

start shaping up.

There you go.

Really? That's it?

Mm -hmm. That'll be $90.

Wow.

$90?

Gosh, it seems like you did that really
fast. Is that really going to, you know,

hold? It'll be fine, honey.

Honey.

That's an interesting salutation.

Okay. Well, I'm just gonna... I'm gonna
go get my checkbook right now.

Your Honor, we are going to present
evidence that will show that this man

illegally purchased a keg of beer, that
this man brought that keg of beer to a

party, that this man encouraged an
underage minor... She called me a man.

just a boy. I'm a boy. And...

That if this man hadn't done all those
things, right now David Mirsky wouldn't

have a compound fracture in his arm, a
contusion under his left eye, and a

herniated L4 disc in his back.

Mr. Stevens, opening statement.

Your Honor, this man, to whom my
esteemed colleague keeps referring, is

man at all. He's a boy.

That was mine.

The boy made a mistake.

Shouldn't have bought beer, shouldn't
have brought it to the party. All true.

But David Murski drank the beer. And
after he drank it, David Murski decided

get on his bicycle.

And that is where Warren Cheswick's
mistake ends and David Murski's begins.

Thank you.

David, how often do you drink?

Every week? Every other week?

Never.

This was my first time.

Really? Well, what made you do it?

Warren Parker Cheswick did.

He invited me to the party, which I
couldn't have gotten into without him.

brought the beer, and he served it to me
with the full knowledge that I was a

minor. Why didn't you just say no?

I believe I would have been a
laughingstock.

Nothing further.

David, David, David.

Whose party was this?

Ronald Bernard Foster's.

Don't you mean Fonzcat?

Some do call him Fonzcat.

Yes. Yes.

Let it be known that this is the
Fonzcat. I mean, take a look at this

Is he cool or what? Is there anybody
cooler than the Fonzcat?

Dude, it's Fonzcat.

Oh. David, is Fonzcat cool?

Um, yes, I suppose he is.

So, when you chose to go to a party...

Thrown by the Fahs.

Fahs cat.

Didn't you expect there'd be beer there?
You're under oath.

The possibility did occur to me. And did
you know when you drink beer, you get

drunk? Of course.

And did you know when you're drunk, it's
dangerous to ride a bike?

Yes. Okay, so, to sum up, you went to a
party at which you knew there'd be beer,

you drank that beer, which you knew
would make you drunk, and then when you

drunk, you decided to ride a bicycle,
which you knew would be dangerous.

Where does Warren fit into all this
again?

He illegally purchased the beer.

Oh, that's right.

I keep forgetting why he was responsible
for all this.

Uh,

Nance? Say nothing, Michael.

Yes, dear.

Ed.

You look nervous.

Nervous? I seem nervous. No, I'm not...
I'm not, uh... Just

a guy... Just a guy twirling spaghetti,
that's all.

Okay.

Oh.

That shouldn't be it.

Why shouldn't you be here?

Because the only reason I'm here is I
asked Carol out, and she said no, and I

was feeling a little... I was... Carol
has this theory

about how if two people are meant to be
together, the stars align.

And I just didn't want to mislead you.

Relax, Ed.

We're just having dinner.

Right. Yeah.

I know. You're right. You're right.

Sorry, Bonnie. I just didn't know what
to expect from tonight. That's all. I

totally get it.

You and I are done dating.

I think we can officially move into the
good old friends stage of our

relationship.

Okay. Okay.

To good old friends.

To good old friends.

Speaking of good old friends.

I was supposed to stay with this friend
of mine, but looks like we got our

signals crossed and turns out that she's
out of town.

I was wondering if I could just crash at
your place tonight.

My place?

Yeah.

Um... Ed, I just need a place to sleep.

Yeah.

Yes, of course. Sure, of course.

Absolutely. Thank you.

Why don't you take the bed and I'll
sleep on the couch?

No, I'll be fine on the couch.

It's so silly letting you sleep on the
couch.

I insist.

Okay, I'll go on upstairs then.

If you need anything, water or...
There's a bathroom right down there.

down. I say that because I know you
women hated it when the seats up.

I saw that on a young comedian special
on HBO.

Also, there's a lot of differences
between New York and L .A. Night. Night.

Enter.

Ed? Hey, Bonnie.

Hey, ho, hey.

Everything gonna get you... What are you
doing again?

Oh, there's a big spring sticking out of
the couch.

Do you mind if I just sleep in here?

No, that's fine. You know what? I'll go
sleep on the couch. I've never minded a

big spring, so... Come on, Ed. You're
being ridiculous.

We're both mature adults. We can share a
bed.

Unless, of course, you don't think you
can handle it.

No, I can handle it.

Totally handle it. Yeah.

Yeah. I can handle anything. It's not
about handling it. It's about... Good

night, Dad. Good night.

Dad.

Yeah?

What if Carol was right about fate?

What if... What if fate brought us
together again?

Let me go to sleep on the couch.

Lock your door.

There you go.

Night.

Warren, do you drink or use drugs?

No, sir.

You ever get in any trouble at school or
with the law?

No, sir.

So then, what made you decide to go into
a liquor store and lie about your age

and buy beer?

I don't know. I was stupid.

I made a big mistake, but I swear to
God, I didn't know Murski was going to

drunk and fall off his bike.

I swear I didn't know.

Thank you.

Okay.

So, you're not a drinker?

No, ma 'am.

Will the court please play the home
video of Ronald Foster's party, which

submitted into evidence?

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Actually, on that particular night, I
may have had a little bit of a nip.

Hey,

cheers to me.

Oh, my God.

You know, a new study shows that regular
beer consumption can help promote good

cardiovascular health.

Nothing further.

Oh, my God, it is so nice to get out of
the house for a few minutes.

This whole housewife thing is going to
take a little getting used to.

This is nice.

That couch guy.

Oh, boy.

Hi. Remember me?

Yeah, I pictured a couch. Right, right.
And do you remember my asking if you did

a good job?

Well, it turns out you didn't do a good
job. What are you talking about, lady?

Oh, I don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm just a housewife. I'm sure slapping

a little glue on a couch leg and
charging me $90 for nothing is good

me. Listen, lady. Relax, buddy.

I mean, I'm just a housewife. I couldn't
possibly understand all those

complicated tools, right?

Honey, calm down.

Right here works for Happy Viking
Furniture Store on Bloomfield Avenue,

thinks he can take advantage of me
because I have a tiny housewife's brain.

Please, calm down. Happy Viking
Furniture Store on Bloomfield Avenue

housewives have tiny, tiny brains.

Could we talk about this?

Take a good look, folks.

This is a bad man.

A bad, bad man.

If Warren Cheswick hadn't illegally
bought beer and brought it to that

David Mirsky would not be in a cast
right now.

No beer, no cast.

If a bartender sells alcohol to a minor
and that minor goes out and gets into a

car accident, you can bet that bartender
is in deep trouble. It happens all the

time.

Warren Cheswick is the bartender.

Doesn't matter that he's also a minor.
He is responsible for what happened on

that fateful night.

No beer, no cast.

That fateful night.

That's what it was.

Fate. Once Warren Cheswick brought that
beer to the party, David Mirsky's fate

was sealed.

Got into a hospital, put him in a cast.
Nothing he could do to prevent what

happened.

Unless, of course, he simply decided not
to drink the beer.

Not to get on a bicycle.

You see, fate is tricky.

Tricky business, complicated.

Does it exist? Yes, absolutely.

It knocks us around every day.

And yet, we're each of us responsible
for what we do in the face of that fate.

And so, Warren Cheswick is responsible
for bringing beer to a party. He'll

accept the right punishment for that.

But David Murski is also responsible for
everything that he freely chose to do

once that beer arrived.

I think Shakespeare kind of nailed this
one way back in the 1500s.

The fault, dear Brutus...

Why, it's not in our stars, but in
ourselves.

It was great, great.

The way you pulled that Shakespeare
thing out of your ass.

Kenny, there's the inspector. What did
you do with the pony? It's in the back.

Hello, sir. Welcome to Stucky Bowl.

Yeah. Is Phil around?

I'm in charge now. Kenny Sandusky. How
can I help you?

Paul Sundman, health inspector.

Where's Phil?

He's moved on.

Oh.

That's too bad.

Where would you like to start?

Well, I can see from here you're going
to need to replace that grill. What?

There's nothing wrong with that grill.
It's spotless. It seems... I don't know.

Like it's got asbestos.

A new grill will cost $12 ,000.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Offer him $10.

You know, that refrigerator ain't
looking too good either.

I'm just going to have to shut down your
operation.

Look, buddy.

Patience, Kenneth.

Patience. Pauly.

How's the new farm? Great. And the
twins, Kyle and Jillian. Now, don't they

a birthday coming up? Next week.

Have you met Sugarcane?

Mr. Cheswick, you made a mistake.

And in our society, one has to pay for
his mistakes.

Unfortunately, the prosecution bit off a
little more than they could chew.

David Murski got drunk of his own free
will.

And therefore, on the charge of criminal
negligence, I must find you not guilty.

Next time, you won't be so lucky.

Awesome.

Thanks, Ed. You're welcome.

Thank you. You're welcome, sir.

You understand you're grounded for 30
years, right?

Enjoy your pony, Pauly.

You just saved us $20 ,000.

What are you doing back? I thought you
were supposed to be hosting Outrageous.

It's a long story, Joe Kenneth, but
suffice it to say this. Once I saw what

television show Outrageous actually was,
I declined to audition.

Why, what was it? Nothing more than an
idiotic and mean -spirited rip -off of

Candid Camera, a total embarrassment to
the airwaves.

I remember a time when television used
to entertain us with the craftsmanship

writing, acting, directing.

Now they just try to shock us with the
dreck of sensationalistic sewage.

Soon, they'll be putting people in their
coffins filled with rats.

Bonnie? Hi.

Hey.

Hey, hi. There you are.

Uh, look, uh, Bonnie, things got a
little crazy last night, or almost

just think we need to be straight with
one another here, you know? We need to

know where we stand, and I just... You
know, I... I've given this a lot of

thought, and, um, I just... Things are
over between us.

Taxi. You order a taxi?

Yes, I'm leaving.

You're leaving?

Yes. I thought you might... Oh, okay.
Good, good.

I didn't know you were leaving when I
was talking there.

Ed. Mm -hmm?

Remember my big old sob story about my
fiancé who left me at the altar?

Of course.

Well, he came back.

Really? Mm -hmm.

And he said he was sorry.

Over and over.

And over again, until I started to
believe him.

And last week, he proposed.

He... Oh.

Oh. Well, then why... Why'd you come
here?

Well, before I said yes, I had to know
for sure.

Know for sure what?

That I was completely over you.

I had to see you one more time, and...
This morning when I woke up, I

realized... As cute as you are, and you
are very, very cute,

I'm over you.

What?

Wait, whoa, whoa. You are not over me.
You are not over me by a long shot. Be

happy for me, Ed.

Happy for you? I feel like a lab rat. We
almost slept together last night.

I'm not the one you want.

We both know that.

It won't be long.

It won't be long.

What did you want me to see?

Nothing. I thought we'd go for a little
stroll together.

Come on.

You almost pulled my arm out of the
socket to get me here. No, Cal, you're

silly.

Strolling down my street on a beautiful
evening.

But when you look at that, the stars
have aligned.

Even fate is on our side.

You're a very lovely man.

Lovely's a bit effeminate.

Can we go to something like a bureau?

And you know there's no way that I could
be with you right now.

What? But it's fate.

I don't really believe in fate,
actually. I was just saying that as an

An excuse? Why?

I'm scared.

Scared of what?

I met the most horrible man, the new
principal at school.

And he took one look at me, and he
proceeded to sum up my entire pathetic

existence in one neat 30 -second
nutshell.

The thing is, he was right.

He was right.

Because I don't change.

I don't change. I just make the same
mistakes over and

over.

Gal, you don't have to be scared.

It's me, Ed.

I can be a very, very good boyfriend.

Trust me. I'm kind, considerate. I'm
punctual. I have excellent hygiene.

Every relationship I've ever had has
ended badly.

I'm not afraid of you being my
boyfriend.

I am afraid of you being my ex
-boyfriend.

This story cost me $3 .99 a plot.