Original subtitles

So, Carl Vesey and I, we're at the pond, right?

Oh, no, it's not one of these stories, is it? No, look, we're at the pond,

talking, we're reminiscing about when I first came back into town, okay?

Ten bucks if you don't make me listen to this. You want to get smacked? Now

listen, okay? So, it's night, we're talking, and all of a sudden, Mike, I

to God, we almost kissed.

Ten thousand bucks.

Miles, I am telling you, 100 % guaranteed, Ed, we about to kiss me. If

showed up, Blips would have touched Blips.

There has been a subtle shift in the tectonic plates of the Ed Stevens

relationship, my friend. This is large.

This is how the Grand Canyon was formed.

So what are you going to do?

Really?

Finding interesting.

And now everything has this, I don't know, this import.

What do you mean?

Everything means too much. Perfect example, the prom.

What about the prom?

Well, it's kind of boring to be a chaperone. Ugh. Yeah. So I thought maybe

would ask Ed to come along.

You were going to ask Ed to our high school prom?

Yeah. No, not like that. Just hang out with me. Us. You know, whatever.

Yeah.

Really?

I haven't seen Carol since the night it happened.

What happened? The night you didn't kiss? As opposed to all the other nights

didn't kiss? We didn't kiss.

But we almost kissed. I tell you, there's something very large and unsaid

hanging in the air over Carol Vessi and I right now. We're circling each other

like Venezuelan flamingos engrossed in a complex mating dance.

Ed? Yeah.

I don't think I can find interest anymore.

Okay.

And it wasn't just the other night by the pond, either. It's something I've

sensing over the last couple of weeks.

Ed, if you want to start dating Carol, just ask a grown man for God's sake.

If you want to start dating Carol, you might as well settle into a nice rhythm

as friends, and I don't want to be the one to screw it up.

I completely understand that. In case you haven't noticed, there is a drawback

to being friends. It's called no sex.

Also, a drawback to having a ten -month -old living in your house, turns out.

Yeah, I heard that.

You're supposed to. It's my version of foreplay.

Very effective.

Yes! That's it!

Rexfellin!

This can't be good.

How did that fantastic brain of yours do it?

Never touch me.

What's going on, Phil?

There comes a moment in every man's life when he gets the call.

What does that mean?

It means that there is one thing that each of us was meant to do. For Ed, of

course, it was this whole cockamamie bowling alley lawyer scam.

And what is it for you, Phil? I'm going to take my life and dip it into gold,

sink my teeth right through the pungent crust of the moon, make myself larger

than mountains, for I, Philip Washington Stubbs, am about to become a television

celebrity.

Oh, boy.

VH1 is looking for outrageous people to star in a new show they're doing where

you go around with a hidden camera and do outrageous things. What's the show

called? Outrage -iacs. I'd like to have been at that meeting. Yeah, they're

looking for someone like the guy from that show, Jackass.

Ding dong. Anybody home? Come on. Who's a bigger jackass than me?

I'm a huge jackass.

Your middle name is Washington?

Here are the papers you asked for. Ah, thank you, chef.

Ah. Oh, my.

Let me see it to believe it.

Oh, man.

Hey, buddy. What are you doing here?

Oh, I left Farmer and Sheehan. I bought a bowling alley. I'm going to put a law

practice inside. I figure if you can do it, anybody can do it.

This is Ron Frankel. He's a buddy of mine from the old law firm back in New

City. This is Shirley, my legal assistant. Hello, Shirley.

Yeah.

She's, uh... Come on.

Come on in. Pull up the chair.

Thanks, thanks. So, hi.

What's going on?

Well, I'm here on business. Thanks. Business? Yeah.

When does Farmer and Sheehan have business in Stockieville?

Oh, um, not in Stockieville. I'm going to the city.

Come on. Doesn't the name Eric Winkstead mean anything to you?

Eric Wink... Oh, yeah, right. He was the only client I actually liked. He was

the only client you ever met.

That's true.

So, what's happening?

Well, things are good, Ed. I gotta tell you. Yeah?

They made me junior partner.

Get out of here. No kidding.

Callan and Eisenstein, they went to dot -coms. Buckland just wimped out, moved

back to the coast. And then suddenly, there's yours truly, sitting in the

office on the 36th floor. That's amazing.

Yeah. A very different place since when you left.

Junior partner.

Yeah. Man.

It's a corner office, parking space.

Get two assistants.

And to think, it was just nine months ago, you and I were sharing a little

shoebox of an office.

Wow. Well, truly, that's... Congratulations, Ryan. That's amazing.

Junior partner.

You know, I was thinking, it's totally cool that we don't have dates at the

prom. It's really like the Rat Pack, you know?

Frank, Dino. Man, those guys never showed up places with dates.

Yeah, a lot of people mistake me for Dean Martin. And I'm Peter Lawford.

You're Joey Bishop.

Welcome to Gary's Tuxedos.

I'm Stan.

Where's Gary?

There is no Gary. We'd like some tuxedos for the prom.

We got all kinds of penguins here.

What are you looking for? I want, like, the kind Russell Crowe wore to the

Oscars. Do you have those?

That is not a classic Penguin. Right. I know, I know. That's why I want it. It's

hip and cool.

It tells people, like, I don't have to conform.

You know, look at me. I'm my own man.

I got a thin tie.

I'm wearing a thin tie to the prom.

Woo! I'm not like you.

You're a very colorful young man.

Could you put me in some spats?

Mrs. Riley.

Kenny, can you put Mrs. Riley's food in the refrigerator? In the refrigerator.

No problem, sir.

Thanks. He did it to me again, Ed. Yeah.

No light.

Humidifier's gone.

Frigidaire's out.

Air conditioning's a distant memory. Well, I'll call him.

I just made that meatloaf.

It'll be fine in the refrigerator. Trust me.

Ed, what am I going to do?

I'll talk to your landlord again, Mrs. Riley.

Would you?

Absolutely. I'll take care of it.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Don't put anything on top of those Swedish meatballs.

One of my clients.

Nice.

Did you know that the word prom is short for promenade?

Did you know the word homo is short for homosexual?

Oh, my God.

Ah.

Donna Tazi.

The prom date that should have been.

Hey, Donna, what's zeroing down?

Zeroing down?

Oh, yeah, it's like a new slang term I invented.

You know, like instead of what's going down with zeroing down, you know, like

you're zeroing in on what's going down or still working out the

kicks.

This is stupid.

What? Why are you here? What are you doing?

I came with David. He's getting his tux.

David! Oh, no, that's okay.

Hi, Warren.

David.

Have you decided who you're taking to the prom yet?

Me? Oh, no, not yet.

Still roaming around.

Desperado, you know.

Desperado. Yo, Desperado, they're running out of cummerbunds.

Good day.

Carol! Ed! Hey!

How you doing?

Good. Good.

Um... Good.

I just got coffee.

Coffee? Oh, well, I'm gonna get... Yeah, me too. Gonna get some coffee, I guess.

I am. I am. Yes.

Um, I like the caffeine.

Because it gives me a boost.

Boost. Yeah, me too. Wakes me right up. Mm -hmm. Yep. Yeah.

It's like a jolt of energy.

Jolt of energy.

But at night, it's too much.

It makes it hard to sleep. Exactly. Right. Exactly.

I'm going to go back to class now. I'm going to go get the coffee. I really

enjoyed their coffee. Oh, I love it. They've got great coffee.

It's good, but... Okay.

I'll see you. Bye.

Bye. Bye, Carol. Good night. Good day. Jeez, idiot.

Hey, this is Bobby Thunderbolts, and this is my audition tape for VH1's

Outrageous. Woo!

Okay, for my first outrageous prank, I'm going to pretend that I'm drunk.

One, two, let's get outrageous!

You can call me Mr.

McDrunko. Me a drunky, drunky.

I'm not drunk at all. You've just been outrageous, my friend.

This is Bobby Thunderbolt.

Yeah, and it does.

I have officially taken up residence in a little place called Awkward Town.

Well, Eddie, I think you should just talk to her. I talked to her already. We

ended up discussing the varying merits of caffeine. It was brutal.

You know something? Talk to her about what happened.

You know, two good friends, that little episode.

Talk it out. You make the awkwardness go away.

Yeah. Seeing Carol Vesey naked.

What's that?

Excuse me? Yeah, a few years ago. I just remembered this.

Dr. Jerome was out, and gave Carol an examination.

Is that right? Yep.

What? I thought I was interested in the woman he's in love with. I've seen

naked. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not in love with her. Honey, you are such a

freak. Do you know that?

Any chance I can see you naked?

No, I don't think so.

I'd like to see you naked. I know.

Meanwhile, back with me and my problems.

Eddie. Yes.

Talk to her.

That tuxedo dude had nasty breath the other day.

It's called halitosis. My uncle Scooter had it.

You have an uncle named Scooter?

Head. He choked on a piece of marzipan in 1989.

That sucks.

We're living a lie.

What? Tell him, Mark.

Gavin, I was waiting for the right time.

What are you guys talking about?

We got dates to the prom.

What? Who?

I'm going with Linda Takahara and Gavin's going with Jenny Rigali. Are you

kidding me?

We made a pact to go stag. You only agreed to go stag after you blew it with

both Donatazzi and Jessica Martel. I don't believe this. I don't believe

Linda Takahara?

You asked Linda Takahara?

She asked me.

And you said yes?

I ain't made of stone, pal.

Will Warren Cheswick go to the prom alone?

I think not.

No! Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Not I.

Escorts extraordinaire.

Sounds very exotic.

Hmm. Escort pros.

Happy times escorts. I like the sound of that.

I like happy times.

Happy times.

Whew. A little jittery.

It's understandable.

Just a guy with needs employing a service. That's it. Totally cool.

Totally cool.

Master of confidence.

Totally cool.

Happy times?

I'm a first -time caller.

Can I help you?

I like happy times.

No,

you listen to me.

I'm Debbie Riley's attorney.

I have a court order right here that says you cannot have her electricity

off.

Let me make this very simple for you. If Debbie Riley does not have heat in her

apartment by tonight, you will be the sorriest landlord on the face of the

earth.

Ooh.

Got a little different caseload out here, huh? Yeah. My days of pouring over

,800 -page contracts are behind me, it seems. Ah, poor guy.

That's it.

I'm on my way.

I'll walk you out. All right.

Listen, Ron, it was great seeing you. You too. Hey, wish me luck with

Good luck with Wingstead. Hey, what are you working on? Still the corporate

insurance trust?

Oh, man, I used to hate that. I tell you, 90 -hour work week and you do your

right, then you end up screwing Wingstead's employees out of what is

theirs.

Yeah, that was the worst.

You know, the corner office, I regret. I got to say the corporate insurance

trust not so much.

Yeah, that's not what the meeting's about, actually. No?

No, I'm trying to get him to cut down on his waste emissions.

What? I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but old man Sheehan's got us doing pro

bono work for the EPA.

No, no, I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I think he wants to run for

or something, I don't know.

But whatever the reason, all I do is cool stuff like this, man.

Farmer Sheehan does work for the Environmental Protection Agency?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I just came from a forestry conference in Oregon,

trying to get call -hill lumber to slow down on our deforestation.

Really? Huh?

I feel like I'm getting hit over the head with a baseball bat.

Yeah, I know, it's weird, it's weird.

But it's great.

No, absolutely.

Yeah. Corner office and you're saving the world. Wow.

Good to see you. Absolutely.

Good luck with Winston. Thanks, Bob. Yeah.

Hey. Ed.

Carol. Hi.

Hi. How are you?

I'm well, thanks for asking.

How are you?

Very well, very well.

Thank you.

Good.

So we need to talk.

Okay.

You want to talk down here, so I'll go on up there.

Oh, no, I'm going to come down there.

So let's sit, shall we?

Yeah. Yeah.

So... Yeah. Okay.

Okay, I'll start.

Probably for the best, since I have no idea what you want to talk about.

Of course you do.

Carol, a friendship like ours is doomed, unless we're open and honest with one

another. Yes.

No, we keep things... Bury beneath the surface with it. That'll just rise up

destroy us.

It's like building on ancient burial ground. You know, that never works out.

No, it never does. You know, it never does. So, the other night, right, at the

pond, you and I, we almost kissed.

Yes, we did almost.

Right, and if Warren hadn't shown up when he did, then we probably would have

kissed.

Probably so.

That's it.

I wanted to get that out there. I thought it was important that we get

there. Yeah.

Yeah. Otherwise, you know, things could get uncomfortable.

Exactly. But, you know, now we got it out there. We're dealing with it. We're

dealing and everything's fine.

It's such a relief. Yeah.

I wish I could snap her on the prom. I think it'd be fun.

Oh, God. Well, you could just take my place.

How come?

The whole thing just brings back a veritable feast of horrifying memories.

Why? Who'd you go with?

Roy, 34 -year -old stock boy from Tom McCamp. I'm not going to say anything

more. Doc, I'm Officer Thunderbolts, and you are under arrest for selling crack

cocaine.

Phil, what are you doing?

I'm going to need backup.

Up against the wall, now!

Oh, it's another one of their wacky videos.

myself on that one.

Hey, Shirley, get some footage of us cracking up. We're like Burt Reynolds

Dom DeLaurene.

Ed. What? Can we just stop being so ridiculous and start being normal?

Yes, please. Thank you. I would love to. Just tell me how.

Okay, well, we just say and do everything that we would have said and

all of this hadn't happened. Okay, but then we're going to be acting self

-consciously normal.

Yes, we will, but you've got to start somewhere.

So, want to go to the prom with me tomorrow night?

What? Well, I was thinking about asking you to come and hang out with me while I

chaperone. But then we had our little event at the pond, and I thought, eh,

forget it, it's too weird.

Uh -huh.

But now that I've brought it up, the very fact that I'm asking right now

that it's not weird at all, right?

All right, I'm in.

Good. Good. Great. Great. Okay. Okay.

Excuse me.

Hi, um, are you the guy?

The guy?

Yeah, my name is Hector. I think we may have spoken on the phone.

No.

Hector Pendleton, ring any bells?

What the hell are you talking about? Oh, nothing, nothing.

Shh.

Sorry.

Sorry to disturb you.

Enjoy your croque, monsieur.

Are you the... You're Hector Pendleton?

I am indeed.

I am indeed Hector Pendleton.

How old are you?

Twenty -five.

Come on. No, I am. Really, I am.

It's hard to believe, I know.

Pendleton men have always been a little boyish.

It's both a blessing and a curse, I guess.

All right.

What kind of escort are you looking for?

Like a pretty one.

Like a pretty one, please.

With the heart of gold.

Hey, Ed.

Right.

You're still here.

Ah, hey, you're good.

You're good. I don't want to meet you in a court of law.

Coffee? No, no, I'm good.

So seriously, what's the deal? I thought you were out of here.

Yeah, well, I tanked my meeting with Winkstead.

Really? What happened?

Basically, I talked a lot, and then he said the word no.

Ouch. It's rough, huh?

Yeah.

So, Ed, you know... Listen, man, you're going to think I'm crazy, and I hate to

put you in this position, but I'm too desperate not to ask. Ask what?

I don't know. You think maybe you could talk to Winkstead?

Me? Why?

Well, you had such a great rapport with the old guy. You know, the whole

Midwest, small -town thing.

Well, I... What would I have to try and talk him into?

We just need him to say that he would agree to attend a conference on waste

dumping with the CEOs of the other major chemical companies. That's it.

That's all. No further commitments.

I understand.

Yes, I know.

Really.

Well, we would certainly appreciate that, Mr. Winstead.

Okay, thank you.

It was a pleasure talking to you, Mr. Winstead, yes?

I will. You too. Bye.

It'll do it?

Wow.

Wow, this is huge, Ed.

Really? Really.

It's a lot further than I got.

It's a huge first step.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Ed. Yeah?

Do you know what time it is?

Uh, 3 o 'clock. 3 o 'clock.

Do you know what I like to do at 3 o 'clock?

No. I like to watch the Rockford Files.

Okay. I set aside an hour each day to sit back and let James Garner entertain

the hell out of me.

But not today.

Are you telling me your power is still out?

Yes.

Not to leave this guy. I will take care of this. By this time tomorrow, that

will not be a problem. That's a promise.

Ed, maybe I...

Just bring them out to the Chickmobile in front. And careful, boys, my whole

life is in those boxes.

Especially that one on top.

Hands. What you doing?

Moving to the Big Apple, my esteemed former employer.

What? Read it and weep hot, salty tears of jealousy.

Dear... Robert Thunderbolt, congratulations, you...

You've been selected as a finalist for VH1's outrage acts?

I don't believe this.

Yeah, hey, Bosco, once I get situated in Gotham, would you mind if I gave your

ex -wife a call?

What?

Oh, I see. She sleeps with a mailman, that's fine. But if it's me, suddenly

a problem.

Hey, be gentle. That's a sharper image air purifier.

Eddie?

Hi, Mrs. Riley.

I've got my power back, baby.

I don't know what you did, but it worked.

Landlord folded like an origami petunia.

That's great.

You're great.

Look, I know it's not much, but I want you to have this meatloaf.

Thank you, Mrs. Riley.

Thank you.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Bye now.

Ma 'am?

Yes? Oh, hey.

Um, are you with Happy Times Escorts?

Yes, I am.

Oh, great.

Great. Um, do you know a girl named Tanya? Because I was supposed to meet

here. I'm Tanya.

You're Tanya.

Shall I? Yes, absolutely.

Get out of my dreams and into my station wagon.

So it's Hector, right?

Hector.

Oh, oh, Hector, no, no, that's... That's just the name that I use when I'm,

like, dealing with pimps and stuff.

No, my real name's Warren Cheswick.

Well, Warren, it's a pleasure to meet you. Oh, nice to meet you, too.

Would you calm down, huh? Relax, it's okay.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just... I've never... I've never been a good drinker.

A John or whatever I am.

So where are we going, Warren?

Someplace fancy?

We're going to my junior prep.

You're serious?

Yeah.

Why? Why are you laughing?

No, hey, this is important, okay? We gotta focus.

Okay. Okay, okay. So you're a freshman at Vassar College.

Better make it a sophomore.

No offense.

And let's see, you're a philosophy major with a minor in fine arts, and you've

got posters of Grateful Dead on the wall, but only to fit in with a hip -hop

smoking crowd, and you're entranced with Kierkegaard and Gershwin and Groucho

Marx, and you adore Paris.

Okay, baby, let's rock and roll, huh?

Okay. Oh, no, could you... Okay,

hey, could you not... Don't do that.

Ed. All right. Hey.

Hey.

Want some meatloaf?

Uh, are there bell peppers in it?

I reckon. I better pass.

Listen, uh, I just wanted to say goodbye.

And you know, if you ever find yourself missing New York, you really should give

me a call.

I'd love to have you on my team.

Seriously? Seriously.

And you really ought to consider it.

We could do some amazing things together.

Somewhat, I can't see Farmer and Sheehan welcoming their Stevens back into the

fold. They'd be crazy not to.

You're the perfect guy for this work.

And don't tell me you can't feel it.

I saw the look on your face when you got off the phone with Winkstead.

Yeah.

That's an appealing offer, Ron.

I can't help but think this is where I'm supposed to be.

And someone's got to make sure Mrs. Rowley's meatloaf doesn't go bad, right?

Take care.

I'll see you.

Would you like some punch, Linda?

Nothing. You sure? I got my hand on the ladle.

Yeah.

Yeah, you want punch, or yeah, you're sure you don't want punch?

I don't want punch.

You're nervous, aren't you?

No, Molly.

No, I'm not nervous.

Don't worry. Your prom date will show up.

It is not my prom date.

Mark.

Kevin.

Jenny.

What it is?

Could you please tell him to take off the top hat?

Yeah, seriously, man. You look like what would happen if Abe Lincoln nailed a

magician. Yeah, and you look like Mr. Rourke's swallowed tattoo.

Where's Chesley?

He's not here yet.

I bet he bagged out.

Warren couldn't get a date. He's not very good with women.

Oh, my God.

Hi, Miss Bessie.

Wow, Donna.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

You know David Marske, right?

Yes, I do. And you did a lovely job in Jesus Christ Superstar. Well, that's

of you to say.

Yes. You're wonderful. Thank you.

Huh? Oh.

Huh? What do you think? Oh, my God.

What? Well, I didn't think that you would wear a bat.

Had to. Got to do it. It's the prom. The prom. Got to wear the big prom tuxedo.

Hi, kids.

Hi. Hi.

Um, let's dance.

Not wearing a big prom dress?

Thought you'd be wearing a big prom dress.

You're not wearing a big prom dress.

No, I, um, I don't know what to say. How about, hey, Ed, why, thank you for the

lovely corsage.

Oh. May I?

Do I have a choice? I don't believe you do.

Oh, my God.

What? It's the prom.

It's the prom.

Mom.

Hezbollah.

Right.

Jeff. What up, Hobie?

Lignard?

He's with some lady.

Picking smart.

She's like a grown woman.

Stung him.

Hey, Rabbi.

What's up, boss cat?

Hey, Brittany.

Your gas kit. What up, dog?

Tim.

How you doing?

Yeah.

Jesse.

You two enjoy the prom now.

Bo, Ed.

Carol. Looking sweet.

How are you kids doing tonight?

Keep it real.

Not tiger?

Hey, Donna.

David.

This is Tanya.

We, uh, met at a museum.

Yeah.

Hi. Hi.

Cheers. Hi.

Hey, yeah.

This is my favorite song.

Warren Cheswick is God.

Okay, everybody, can I have your attention, please?

It is time to announce the king and queen of the 2000...

Okay, that's a wrap. Let's go.

Big Apple, here I come.

This is crazy.

How so?

I feel like I've stepped through a warp in the fabric of a space -time

continuum.

I think someone spiked the punch.

I just mean, here I stood.

In this very room, 12 years ago, I was staring at the girl I knew I couldn't

have.

The girl who didn't know I existed.

I'm assuming you're referring to me.

You know, Miles, not often in this life you get a do -over.

You better take advantage of this one.

Ciao. Hello, my powder blue friend.

May I have this dance?

Sure.

could speak to a dream that I

Well, we did it, huh?

Did what?

Made it through the evening without things getting weird.

Yeah, I guess we did.

Our long national nightmare has finally come to an end. Yes, and we have you,

Edward J. Stevens, to thank for that. Me? Bravo.

No. No, it was you. You were the one who forced the conversation about what

happened at the pond, thereby allowing the healing to begin.

Thank you, Carol, but I got to tell you, I got to share the credit on this one.

You invited me to the prom as if nothing had happened. That was clutch.

Thank you.

You got it, sister.

Here you are.

Shea Stevens.

I prefer Casa Del Stevens. My mistake.

You sure I can't walk you home? Oh, no, you know what? It's out of your way. I'd

like to, really.

I'm fine.

Hey, you know, I was thinking, you and I should realize that thing at the pond,

nothing to worry about.

How so?

Think about what we've been through this year.

All the craziness, confusion.

Yet our friendship made it through intact, didn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I guess we have endured a lot more than stupid little almost kiss.

Take off this tux before I get radiation poisoning.

Good thinking.

Good night, Carol Bessie.

Good night, Ed Stevens.

Hey, Carol.

Yeah?

Do you want to come in for a drink?

A drink?

Yeah.

Okay.

Make yourself comfortable.

Can I take your coat?

Um, yeah, yeah.

You want something to drink?

Beer, wine?

Are you hungry?

I can make some rye toast.

Beer.

Beer. Beer's good.

I'm gonna get you a beer.

Yeah.

Why?

Nice rifle.

What?

Nice rifle.