Original subtitles

Las Vegas is a fickle mistress.

You may hold her, but you may not own her, for she is Vegas.

You ever been to Vegas, Kenny? That's cute.

What's that mean?

I was banned from Caesars in 1987.

Banned from Caesars? Why, what were you doing? Card County? Not the casino. The

buffet.

128 shrimp, $2 .99.

Suddenly the house didn't have such an advantage, if you know what I mean.

I think I do.

Hey, there she is. I finished the sign. Oh, wow.

That's great, Shirley. Oh, I like how you made the S into a dollar sign. It's

very nice.

Please don't condescend to me.

I'm not condescending to you. I'm just... Okay.

Hey, Shirley.

Hey, I found these in the attic.

Ah, more chips. Excellent.

Hey,

Mike. What?

I got one.

Ten bucks.

If when Kenny comes back, you kiss him on the cheek.

Come on, Ed. I don't want to kiss Kenny on the cheek. Do the words ten bucks,

Mike, mean anything to you?

Here he comes.

Hey, Mikey, Mikey. How you doing?

Yep. Thanks, kid.

Hey, Kenny.

You went European.

Yeah, I thought I might help.

There I can keep by

Hey, Ed, do you have a minute?

Hey, Warren, what's doing?

Well, my junior prom's coming up in a couple weeks, and I just kind of need to

earn a little extra cash to help with some of the necessary accoutrements.

Mm -hmm. Yeah, the prom.

Yeah, I remember that well.

The theater rental, the flower. What's that flower called? The quarter times?

Yeah, sure.

Well, so anyway, I was wondering... I got it, I got it, I got it.

Well, okay. I was wondering...

If you need any extra help, you know, I could run the bowling alley.

What do you have in mind?

I could pass out shoes, or I could breathe some much -needed life into the

bar. Just bowling alley stuff. The snack bar's fine, but I'll tell you what you

could do. You could give us a hand setting up Vegas night.

Oh, right. Vegas night?

That's a great idea.

Never been done before.

Hi. Hey, Carol, hi.

Warren. Oh, Miss Fessy, what are you doing here?

I don't know about you two crazy kids.

Ed, I left a bag. It's a blue paper bag. It's shiny.

Thank you.

Cheryl Bessie leaves a bag in Ed Stevens' house.

Interesting.

Actually, Warren, not that it's any of your business, but I left this at the

bowling alley the other night. Carol, don't mislead the young man. She left it

at my house. Ed? What?

No, she did.

Well, okay, this is, uh...

It's just getting all too adorable for me, so I'm going to ship out.

Should I start tomorrow?

Yeah. Okay.

Cool. Thanks again.

You're welcome, Warren. Goodbye, Miss Jessie.

Goodbye, Warren.

What is that?

Warren needs a little extra money for his prom, so I told him he could hop out

here around the bowling alley.

Oh, yes, the prom.

You went to our prom, didn't you?

Yes, Ed.

I went to our prom.

Good.

I can't remember.

Oh, that's right. I remember seeing you there now. You were the one with the

big, fancy, shiny crown on top of her head.

Yes, that is right. I was indeed the prom queen, and I have enjoyed years of

ribbing over it.

But, you know, if you really feel a need to pile on, be my guest. Really? Yeah,

great, because I was wondering, now, how much power does a prom queen actually

wield? Could you, like, say, bomb Belgium?

Could and did. Good, they had it coming.

I had a really, really good time the other night.

Yeah, me too.

Go. I'll see you. Okay.

Okay,

well, that's great news, Henry.

Yeah, no, I'm sure he'll be really excited to hear that.

Yeah. Okay.

Okay, bye.

Hey, Dad. What are you doing here? Oh, Dr. Burton, my back is so sore.

I guess I should take off my clothes so you can examine me with your big, strong

hands. That's funny, ma 'am. I've had that same fantasy myself.

With me?

Uh, yeah, you're there.

I'm there?

Who else is there?

The Rockettes.

You're a weirdo.

Seems you got your lunch.

Thanks, Mom.

I better get back to work. I don't want Dr. Jerome to see me.

You enjoy your nice long break, Dr. Burton. Don't worry about your patients.

Always a pleasure, Mrs. Burton.

Hey, you're going to like this one.

Get this.

Henry Doria just called. Told me they've selected Dr. Jerome to be honored as

Doctor of the Year. You're kidding me.

Mike, I swear, sometimes I don't know why you don't just quit.

He's going to retire any day now.

He's been saying that for two years.

I know, but he can't keep on like this. He can't.

It's going to be so great when I take over this practice.

I can make my own rules. I'll be my own boss. I can really take care of you and

Sarah.

What?

Nothing. I just figured that Dr. Jerome would come barging in right at this

moment.

I've got to go out of town this weekend for a breath.

Do you bring a gift to that sort of thing? It's cotton -plubbed and you cure

from.

Bill.

Bill. What are you doing?

This thing's going to make Las Vegas night a huge success.

What is it?

We're going to pump pure oxygen into the bowl.

Oxygen like the casinos do. 100 % O2, baby. People be bowling their brains out

till 4 a .m.

Really clears the head, doesn't it?

Phil.

What?

What?

Phil, what?

You have a client.

Thank you, Shirley.

I'm Ed Stephens. Jerry Foley. Hi, Jerry.

Talk in my office?

Excuse him. How can I help you, sir? You know the Stuckyville Open?

The golf tournament, yeah. They just played it last week, right? Right. I won

it. You won it?

Well, kind of.

You kind of won it?

I lost it. You lost it.

May I tell you the story?

Please.

I'm leading by one stroke.

Going into the final hole.

All I need is a par to win. So I bang the tee shot. 250 right down the center.

Beautiful.

Leaves me 140 from the pin. So I feather an eight iron. Boom. I'm sitting on the

dance floor 14 feet from the cop.

So you're on the green in two. You hold out until you win.

Exactly.

So I lay up a very nice commercial putt. The ball stops two feet from the hole.

I got a tap in for the $10 ,000 first prize money. Right.

I bend over the putt, and right in the middle... You have a client.

Thank you, Shirley.

Hi. I'm Ed Stephens. Jerry Foley. Hi, Jerry.

Talk in my office?

Excuse him. How can I help you, sir? You know the Stuckyville Open?

The golf tournament, yeah. They just played it last week, right? Right. I won

it. You won it?

Well, kind of. You kind of won it. I lost it. You lost it. May I tell you

story? Please.

I'm leading by one stroke.

Going into the final hole.

All I need is a par to win. So I bang the tee shot. 250 right down the center.

Beautiful. Leaves me 140 from the pin. So I feather an eight iron. Boom. I'm

sitting on the dance floor 14 feet from the cop.

So you're on the green in two. You hold out until you win.

Exactly.

So.

I lay up a very nice commercial putt. The ball stops two feet from the hole.

I got a tap -in for the $10 ,000 first prize money.

Right. I bend over the putt, and right in the middle of my backswing, some

fan screams out of the top of his lungs. I flinch. The ball shoots eight feet

past the cup and down the hill.

I miss the comeback putt. I end up third. Gus McGraw wins the tournament.

Wow. It's just not right.

This is not the way people should behave.

Well, what did you have in mind, Jerry?

I don't know. Can I sue the guy who yelled out? Yes, you can. But I got to

you, there's not much chance you're going to win.

Ed, I'm not Tiger Woods. I don't have a lot of money. And I never finished first

in a golf tournament before. This was my day.

This guy took my day away.

I feel for you, Jerry. I'd love to help you. I just don't think this case is

winnable. They engrave your name on the trophy.

They hand out a giant cardboard check like the kind that Ed McMahon hands out.

This should have been my day.

But what about this?

What if I go talk to the guy who won, see if I can't convince him to let you

take the putt over again?

Can you legally force him to do that?

Legally, I don't know, but I could appeal to a sense of fair play.

Let me try. Well, if you can't convince Gus McGraw, can we sue the guy who

yelled out?

You got it.

By the way, where'd the guy yell out?

You, the man.

Of course.

Hey, Mark.

Kevin. How you boys doing today, huh?

My life is perfection.

Oh, hey, I was thinking. We should go to the prom in style, you know? We should

get a limo. But not just, like, a regular limo. We should get one of those

really huge ones with a jacuzzi in it. Have you seen these things?

How cool would that be? We're sitting in a jacuzzi, riding around in a big car.

I mean, come on.

You're just happy because you walked into a date. Have you officially asked

Donnie yet? No, no, no. You see, I'm waiting for the perfect moment.

How about you guys? Who are you going to ask? We're going stag. See, that's the

cool way to go to your prom. That way you have all the ladies to choose from.

Uh, yeah, but all the ladies at the prom are going to have dates, science does.

Yeah, and inevitably somebody will do somebody wrong, and Gavin and I will be

right there to help heartbroken fair maidens pick up the pieces.

Okay. Hey, guys.

Ah, Donna, hello.

How are you this lovely lunch period?

I'm good. How are you doing, Warren?

Aces.

Oh, you care to join us? No, thanks, I gotta go. I just wanted to return your

notes. No problemo.

Have you guys got your date signed up yet for the prom? It's less than two

away.

We're still assessing our options.

Okay, well, don't take too long. It's coming up real soon.

Okay, well, I guess I'll see you later in science.

Science it is.

Bye -bye.

Kid's crazy about me.

Warren? Yeah?

You're an ass.

Then what are you saying? I'm saying that I love you. I just don't know if

in love with you right now.

And because of that, I don't know if it's fair to you that we continue on.

You're breaking up with me?

Baby, it's not about you.

I need a little me time right now.

Okay.

I gotta go.

Like when Puff Daddy and J -Lo went split up.

Brainstorm.

Forget about Donna.

You should have asked Jessica Martell to the prom.

You've worshipped her since you were 11. Don't be ridiculous. Of course I'm

going to ask Donna.

Besides, there's not a chance in hell Jessica Martell will go to the prom with

Warren Jeswick.

I know that.

But I still want to see what happens if you ask.

Pick up a movie on the way home?

I don't know.

Raging Bull?

I've got to go.

Yes?

Hello, Dr. Drill. Oh, Dr. Burton. What have you got?

Well, I've got some pretty exciting news.

Well, this will be good.

Yeah, you know that tri -state doctor of the year award?

Of course.

Well, yesterday I was speaking to a friend of mine, Henry Doria, and he told

that this year the award is going to be presented to none other than one Dr.

Walter Jerome.

Congratulations.

You don't seem happy.

Did you have anything to do with this, you putty -brained goat?

No. Like I told you, I just heard about it from a friend.

Well, tell your friends I've seen their little dog and pony show.

It's tacky and unprofessional, and I'm not interested.

Yeah, okay, I'll tell him that. No, no, then it'll get out, I've turned down the

award, and everybody will be pissed off at me.

Damn it!

Well, I'm gonna go. Sit down!

You got me into this, you're gonna get me out.

I ain't getting you into this.

Here, start writing.

Tell your friend the following.

There'll be no dancers, no singers, no publicity photos for the local paper.

I want to approve the guest list, the menu, and all entertainment.

Are you writing this down, Sonny? You do have opposable thumbs, don't you?

L1, L2, up, up, down, down, up, up, up, up, and then you get the magic ring.

You are so full of it. Fine, don't believe me.

Hey, Jess.

Oh, hey, Warren. Hey, Jess, I really like your sweater.

The one tied around your waist.

Thanks. So, how's beans?

I mean, tricks.

That's Trix.

Tim broke up with me.

What?

Are you serious?

It was two weeks before prom.

Wow, that sucks.

Well, see you later.

All right, Jess.

Keep on keeping on.

Something like that.

I don't believe it.

Jessica Martel wants you to ask her to the prom.

Well, that's not true.

Wake up, Cheswick.

What do you think she's telling you all that? No, Mike, that's not what that was

about. Hey, how many times do I have to tell you? Girls like Jessica Martel do

not go to the prom with guys like Warren Cheswick. It's a law of nature.

Gavin, will you knock some sense into this Manouk?

Well, Mark is right.

Okay, have you lost your mind?

And Manouk, what is that? Why do you keep saying that?

I heard it on The Sopranos.

Gus McGraw?

Yes.

Congratulations on winning the Stuckyville Open.

I'm Ed Stevens, Jerry Foley's attorney.

Attorney? That's right. Jerry Foley doesn't need an attorney. He needs golf

lessons. Know what I'm saying, four -eyes?

Man has a gimme putt for $10 ,000 and he missed it. Probably because the fan

yelled out.

That is crap on a stick, my friend.

Why don't you let him take that putt over again?

You know, I like Jerry Foley. I really do.

He's a nice guy.

But he chokes.

There's nothing I can do about that.

Come on, you know what really happened. Give him another chance. If he makes it,

he wins. But if he misses, then you'll know you really won personally.

I think it'll be good for golf.

You know what?

What's that? You got it.

Have him meet me here tomorrow at noon.

Seriously? It's the only fair thing to do.

If I don't give him another chance, the wind will be forever tainted.

Gus McGraw?

You're one heck of a guy.

Hey, Ed? Yeah? There's one thing I need if I'm going to agree to this.

What's that?

About six years ago, I'm in a Frenchman's Brook Invitational. I'm on

just teeing off when a caddy drops a bag.

The noise makes me hook my shot into the rough, and I end up losing by one

stroke.

Now, without that bag falling, I'll win that tournament going away.

So I'm going to need you to get in touch with the guy I lost to and get him to

give me another tee shot on 17.

Is that right?

Yeah. Actually, that reminds me. Two months ago, Braidburn Classic, I'm

a six iron, and... You should ask her to the prom.

All right.

Only. God, somebody mark down the date and the time. It's never happened

but I do believe I finally just agreed with Phil Stubbs.

Say, yeah!

I don't think so.

Oh, I asked for a splash of chrysanthemum. This is an ocean. This is

wave.

You have to be so careful with Chrissie's.

Hi, excuse me? You can stand anywhere but there, hon. You're blocking the

Sorry, I'm looking for Mr.

Scott Hayes.

Mr.? How continental.

Would you take a gander at the caboose on her?

I'd like to get my mitts on that someday.

I'm Scott Hayes. Hi, I'm Mike Burton, Dr. Burton. I work with Dr. Jerome.

You're just the man I've been looking for.

Sit yourself down here.

Okay, are you with me?

Yep.

What is Dr.

Jerome's hat size?

I have no idea. Why do you need Dr. Jerome's hat size?

Well, I'm working on a little something I call the sombrero of glory.

It's got pictures of his patients taped to the side.

It's going to be wonderful.

Yeah, uh -huh.

I think Dr.

Jerome's going to want to know about some of these things you're planning.

Absolutely. It's his party, after all.

Take this down.

We're going to start with a production dance number that's going to make the

Oscars look like a kid's birthday party.

And then the fantastic fun players are going to come running out screaming, Is

there a doctor in the house? Is there a doctor in the house? Yes, there's a

doctor in the house.

Unbelievable. They will be cracking up. They'll be dying from laughter. He's

going to have to perform CPR on the whole bunch.

You're not writing anything down.

Uh, so, sombrero?

Hey. Ho. Huh? Ho. Try not ho for a while instead of hi. It's going to be my

thing. How many sugars?

Five. Thank you.

I had a very interesting conversation yesterday with Warren Cheswick. Go on.

told me that you told him to ask Jessica Martell to the prom. That's right, I

did. But Jessica Martell is the prettiest, most popular girl in school.

I know. That's why I told him to ask her out. Ask her. She's a day. Copper to

you. See, that's really my thing. The whole thing's going to take a while. Ed.

Yeah. You see, there's this other girl, Donna Tazi, who's eagerly awaiting being

asked to the prom by Warren.

Donna Tazi? The girl from the top of the mountain? Yeah.

Okay, but he's liked the Jessica girl for a while. I'm just saying, if he

doesn't ask her out, it doesn't take his shot.

He could end up being 30 and buying a bowling alley.

Hey.

Don't you mean ho? That's just for height. Huh. What are you doing Friday

Nothing. Well, we're having Vegas night at the bowling alley.

Would you like to come?

Yes, I would.

Cool. We'll have fun.

Now, Mr. Baker, you worked as a stand -up comic in Las Vegas?

Yeah.

1979, I did like six months at the Aladdin.

I once opened for Goulet.

Robert Goulet?

Yeah.

Excellent.

Now, before I can hire you, I'm going to need you to answer a few questions.

All right.

Are you funny?

Yeah.

How funny?

Hysterically funny.

Great. You have 30 seconds to make me laugh, starting now.

All right.

Priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The priest orders a beer.

I'm going to court now. Everything under control? Tell him. Tell him what you

told me.

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.

How are we going now?

You the man!

Jerry!

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

Mr. Vecchio.

I hardly know where to begin. Why did you yell out, you the man, as my client

was about to make a tournament -winning putt?

Because he's the man.

I see.

You're taking this whole thing right out lately for a guy who's on the hook for

$10 ,000.

I ain't taking it lately.

You asked, I answered. Okay, so I might not understand that you don't think

there's anything wrong with what you did.

Look, I'm what you'd call a super fan. I love sports.

And when I'm in a crowd, I can't just sit back and watch like a lump.

Now, I come out to have a good time and show my support.

Support? You're trying to claim that screaming as a guy takes his backswing

way of showing support.

Bingo! Mr. Vecchio. Now, I go to a baseball game or a football game, I

until my lungs bleed.

People love it.

This wasn't baseball or football, though. This was golf.

So what?

I checked the rules of the tournament.

They didn't say anything about making noise.

I'm a super fan.

Yeah. Nothing further.

He wants you to wear this, uh, sombrero. No. Okay.

Uh, can he put on a dance number? No.

Um, how about a group of singers?

No. Uh, one singer?

No. Okay.

Can I serve filet mignon for dinner?

Sure. Sure?

Uh, he, um... Well, he is a party clown dressed as

a doctor.

Which I think would be fun.

No, no, no. What did I tell you? I want it simple. I want it classy.

I don't want sombreros. I don't want clowns. I don't want singing donkeys.

doctor. I heal people so they'll feel better.

I don't do it so that your little party friend can throw a shindig. Do you

understand me?

Okay, Maltz, I think that Ed may have asked me out, like on a date.

What are you talking about?

You and Ed do stuff together all the time. I know, I know, but this seems

somehow different.

Different? Yeah, it was something about the way that he asked me, would you like

to come? Not want to come, not, you know, you're thinking of coming.

There was a certain formality to it. Plus, he stopped right before he asked

We were walking along, and then he stopped and said, would you like to

He stopped.

And he said, would you like to come?

Yes.

I know, I know. I'm insane.

I'm insane, but it's not a date. I don't know what I was thinking.

Okay, I didn't say you were insane, you know.

Loopy. Loopy.

Yeah.

But here's another thing.

Wouldn't he usually invite all of us to something like this?

All right, you have a point. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Wait a minute. You know what?

He didn't invite me because he knew I was going out of town.

Oh. Okay, okay.

All right, so now we know. It's not a date. I don't know. I just hit my head.

Did you want it to be a date? No.

No. Miles, I just think it's kind of weird not to know what he had in mind.

Wouldn't you want to know?

Surely I would.

Yeah, exactly.

I just wanted to be sure. That's all.

That's it.

We're in chase with the video journal.

Eleven days to prom night and counting, and I stand here at a crossroads. To my

left, Donna Tazi.

Sweet, cute, smart, great girl. Great, great girl.

To my right, Jessica Martel.

The hottest girl in school. Maybe the hottest in the state.

She's just totally hot. Her level of hotness is ridiculous.

It's mind -blowing.

But Warren, you say, there's no way she wants you to ask her to the prom.

Well, that's where you're incorrect.

Because Ed Stevens is positive that she does.

And how can you argue with a man who's getting it on with Carol Bessie?

At least I think they're getting it on.

And everyone's going to say, oh, Warren, you've got to ask Donna.

She's all down to earth and sweet.

And that's the thing. See, that's the messed up thing is that she is. And we

along and she's great. And I really, really, really like her.

I should. I should ask her. I should.

Jessica Martel, man, she's so awesome.

Oh, my God, you are awesome.

Jessica Martel wants Warren Peaches. I'm supposed to ignore that?

I'm supposed to just let that go?

Not do anything about it? Not capitalize at all?

I don't think so.

How long is it going to take the judge to reach a verdict?

We've got to have it soon.

Doesn't look good, does it?

Not really.

I just don't understand a world that lets a guy get away with that kind of

behavior. I know what you mean.

Hey, Jerry, check this out.

Did you see that? Two feet, no problem.

How anyone can miss something from just two feet away is beyond me.

You know what, Vecchio? What's that, Jerry? Jerry, just ignore it. You make

sick. Oh, do I? I met a lot of jerks in my life, but you deserve the Nobel Jerk

Prize. Wow.

Thanks, Jerry.

Hey, while we're on the subject, why don't you let me tell you a story about

jerk?

What? No, it's a good one.

See, about five years ago, I spent the summer caddying at the Stuckyville Golf

Club, right?

One day, a guy comes in to play 18 holes, and everybody's saying he's about

go pro, so I figure I've got to be on my best behavior.

So we're out in the links, this guy and me, and I'm caddying my little heart

out, and he shoots a great game.

But when it comes time to say goodbye, he stiffs me on the tip.

Zilch. Nada.

The old goose egg.

What a jerk, huh?

He probably doesn't even remember me.

Hey, you the man, Jerry.

No, no, no, no. I'm sorry. No. What? What is the matter?

These are not the same cheese puffs I fell in love with last November. Yes,

are. This is the exact same recipe. Are you trying to play me out? What?

Don't even.

Goodbye, Joe.

Dr. Burton, I'm so glad you're here.

I have questions, questions, questions.

Would you happen to know if Dr.

Jerome is allergic to lead -based paint?

Why? It's this body art idea I'm playing with. Not to worry.

Scott, I don't think Dr. Jerome would like that kind of thing, whatever it is.

And I should tell you, he sort of rejected some of your ideas.

Which ones?

Well, all of them.

All of them? Yeah.

Yeah, you see, Dr. Drum's very, very particular about this sort of thing. He

just wants to make sure everything's very simplified, very classy.

Say no more. I understand.

Simple, classy, simple, classy. Right. Look, I completely hear that. I can make

it work. I can do simple, classy like you won't believe.

The rules of golf make the game of golf possible.

Without the rules, all you've got is a bunch of guys whacking balls with

Likewise, the rules of life make civil society possible.

Now, some of those rules are written into law.

Unfortunately, the rule broken by Mr. Vecchio is not.

There's simply no law against acting like a jerk.

So, as much as it pains me to do so, I must find for the defendant, Tim

Who is that?

That's Anne Rand.

Did she play Miss Hathaway on the Beverly Hillbillies?

No, she wrote Atlas Shrugged.

Gavin!

Kiss my ring.

You weren't wearing a ring. All right, well, kiss my hand, then.

For I am your king, your future prom king.

What are you talking about? I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna ask Jessica Montel to the prom. You're really gonna do it? I'm

gonna do it. I thought about it, and I figured, just... Go for it. Go for the

gusto. That's it, man. Give me that sweet, sweet gusto.

That's what I'm talking about. All right.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Donna, what's up?

Nothing. What's all the excitement?

They're making Superman into a movie.

Didn't they already do that?

No.

Okay. Well, talk to you later, Warren.

Bye, guys. Later, Donna.

Nice one, moron. Shut up, little rodent.

Hey, honey, have you listened to my speech so far?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Okay, well, it's a little rough, so don't be too critical.

No, I won't. Okay.

All right, you ready?

Mm -hmm. Okay.

Imagine taking a ferocious Doberman pincher and starving it for a week.

Now imagine rubbing yourself with bacon grease...

and locking yourself in a closet with that angry, famished, half -crazed

hellhound.

Now you know what it's like to work for Dr. Walter Jerome.

The scary thing is I'm not 100 % certain that that isn't your real speech.

Yeah, this is ridiculous.

I hate that man's guts. How am I supposed to write some lovey -dovey

about him?

You ever try out -and -out lying?

No.

Well, thanks, honey.

Anytime.

Jessica.

Hey, Warren.

What's up?

Jessica.

Prom?

Uh, prom.

What?

Will you go to the prom with me, Jessica?

I'm sorry, Warren. I can't.

Oh, that's cool.

What, did you get back together with Tim, or... No.

No, really?

So who are you going with?

Tommy or Jakey?

Foscat? It's Foscat, right? Actually, no one's really asked me yet.

Oh, right, right.

No, that's totally cool.

Awesome. Well, I should go. I'll catch you later, Jess.

Bye, Warren.

Bye.

I'm sorry.

What? I'm sorry.

Oh, whatever.

It's cool.

Hey, Donna.

Hey, Warren.

Hey. Do you want to go to the prom with me?

Oh, I can't.

What? Well, David Mirsky asked me at lunch, and I said yes.

David Mirsky?

That kid with the weird shoes?

Not that weird.

Oh, man.

Wait, wait.

I got a good idea. Can you, like, get out of it?

Warren.

What if we just went as friends?

We'll go as friends. Let's just go as friends.

I'll buy you a dress.

I'm sorry, Warren.

Evening, miss.

I'm former heavyweight champ, Leon Spinks.

Welcome to the Stucky Bowl Hotel and Casino.

Thank you, Leon.

Carol Vesey.

Look about as tasty as a 99 -cent shrimp cocktail.

Are you ready to spin for shoes?

Round and round and round she goes.

Phil, it's really Leon Spinks.

Well, that was as close as I could get for five bucks an hour.

Where she stops, nobody knows.

Twelve and a half.

Hey, see King Roy coming, Kenny? Oh, it's all taken care of, too. Excellent.

Oh, Laura, looking good.

Hey, Carol, welcome to Vegas night. Hi. Let's go get you a Vegas Viper. What's

that? Icy and vodka.

Mmm, yummy.

So far, so good. Yeah, yeah. I think he's actually enjoying himself.

Last time I saw him this happy, he had his foot up my ass.

Then how could you see him?

I had to crane my neck around.

Hello. Thank you. Thank you.

Now, before we begin our ceremony, Dr. Burton has asked to say a few words.

Dr. Burton.

Good evening.

Like every physician, I took the Hippocratic Oath, which reads in part,

purity and with holiness, I will pass my life and practice my art.

But I never truly understood those words until I'd spent some time with Dr.

Walter Jerome, the finest man I know.

Good morning, Mr. Lucky.

Come on.

I'm the papa.

Don't poke the bear in the zoo, my friend. Don't poke the bear in the zoo.

Chief, we've got a problem.

What's that?

They sent us two roids.

I don't think that'll be a problem, Kenny. We'll fix it in post.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

Oh! Come on, punk.

I'm...

Settle down there, Sparky. Those are your prize tokens, remember?

Yeah. What can I get with that?

That many? I think you're looking at the underdog piñata, my friend. Oh, excuse

me. I've got to hand it to you. You do know how to throw the wacky theme

shindig. Thank you, Carol.

Are Mike and Nancy on their way, or are they... Oh, they're not going to be

here. Oh, really?

I invited them. They had to do this thing with Dr. Jerome.

Yeah. Oh.

No Molly, no Mike, no Nancy. It's just going to be you and me, baby.

Feeling lucky. Hit me, Sergeant.

What's your name, little lady?

Shirley.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my great honor to present the Tri -State

of the Year Award to Dr.

Walter Jerome.

Thank you, Dr. Bucis, and thank you to the Tri -State Physicians Association.

for this great honor.

Well, it's good old reliable doctor, doctor, doctor, Dr.

Jerome. If you're looking for health care, he'll furnish the spot.

Even when your fever's up, it's never too hot. Not for good old reliable

doctor, doctor, Dr.

Jerome.

He's the oldest of...

You want to go again? What do you say? Double or nothing?

Actually, I'm thinking about taking off.

What?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about? It's Vegas tonight, baby. We've got to Vegas it up,

baby. I'm so Vegas'd out.

How's that possible?

Catch a bad trim?

No, no, I'm fine.

What's the matter?

Nothing, nothing. I, you know, I've had a little bit of a headache, so I think

I'm just going to head on home. Let's go for a walk, get you some fresh air.

What do you say? No, I'm fine, really.

Come on.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Tis a beautiful night.

Tis indeed.

Way to pick up on the tis, man.

Thanks, man.

Yo.

I read in the paper the other day.

Pluto isn't really a planet after all.

Really? No.

What is it? It's just a comet.

Huh.

Earth's still a planet though, right?

Totally cool.

You're totally cool.

Although if I were Neptune, I'd be watching my back.

Do you remember the first time we came here?

When I first came back to town?

Yeah.

Yeah, I remember.

These were different then. Oh gosh, I'll say.

I just found Liz with the mail, man. You were still with Nick.

Nick and I hadn't been arguing. There was no way you could have charmed me

the moonlight stroll by the pond.

Ah, but charm you I did. And if I'm not mistaken, this is exactly what happened,

isn't it?

This bench, right here, is where it happened.

What?

The kiss that made a man move back home and buy a bowling alley.

That was just a goodbye kiss.

There's no just about it.

Ah, yeah.

They told me I'd find you here.

Warren?

Carol?

I'm going to have to ask you to cover your eyes. I don't want you to have to

this. See what?

I'm taking you down, Stevens.

Right now. You and me. Let's go, bitch.

What'd I do?

Told me to ask Jessica Martel to the prom.

Uh -huh.

Well, guess what?

She shot me down.

Big surprise.

God, you understand women about as well as Eve Kometko.

Who? The guy from the E! Channel. Oh.

Gay. Really?

So that's it.

I'm on junior prom, and I got no date.

No Jessica Martel, no Donna, nothing.

Juan, I'm sorry. Really, I had no idea.

No, Juan, I'm sorry. I had no idea.

Juan. Juan.

Shut up.

I feel guilty.

Don't.

Don't. That kid always lands on his feet.

Yeah.

Shooting star.

Where? Right there.

I missed it.

Yeah. I'll get the next one.

Did you know the shooting stars are actually the size of apple seeds?

Really? Oh, yeah.

Wait, whoa.

First, Pluto was on a planet, and now this. I think you're just messing with

head. No, I'm simply trying to unlock the secrets of the universe for you,

Carol. I appreciate that. It's cool.