All language subtitles for Ed s01e11 Opposites distract

You have a sweet bacon?

I got it, I got it.

Warren, my vacation was fine. Thank you.

How's everything at the house?

Great.

Plants watered, mail ordered.

Newspaper stacked so neatly, it just
might blow your mind.

Terrific.

Warren, what's at the tell?

I couldn't find a red carpet.

I see. Here.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Thank you so much. Oh, no, I got it, I
got it.

Come in.

Thanks, man.

Hey, uh, need me to stay overnight and
help you reorient yourself to your

surroundings where I can run out, grab a
bottle of Malone, whip up some sizzling

fajitas, or... Why is it so cold in
here, Warren?

I turned off the heat.

It's the middle of the winter. You can't
shut off the heat.

Why not?

Because, Warren, if you turn off the
heat, the pipes may freeze.

Hmm.

I wonder if that's what happened here.

Hey, who do you think would win in a
fight, a strong, tall guy?

Or an invisible fat guy.

Strong and tall guy.

What if the invisible fat guy had a
whip?

Is it an invisible whip? This is the
worst episode of the McLaughlin Group

Hey, check this out. You know the guy
that runs the deli down on Grove Street?

I am, Mr. Schaefer. I love that guy. He
always gives me an extra pickle.

You're a simple, simple man.

It turns out Mr. Schaefer's being sued
by the city.

Why? Apparently he's been feeding
quarters in other people's parking

That's kind of ridiculous, isn't it?

They let him fry.

Why would you sue someone for being a
good Samaritan?

Eddie, you should help him. See if he
needs a good lawyer.

I should.

Yeah.

Oh, hang on a sec.

I always like Mr. Schaefer.

Ambulance chaser.

Carol! Hi, Dad.

Hey, how are you? Come on in. Well, I
have problems.

What's the matter? The plumber can't
make it today, and I need to borrow your

handyman husband once again.

Hi, Ed. Hi, Carol.

Mike. Hey. Would you come by and look at
a busted pipe in my basement?

Yeah, sure, Carol. I'd be glad to see
what I could do.

Good. Because you know I haven't got a
clue.

Um, excuse me.

What? Yeah, I'm sitting right here.

Yeah, I know.

I said hi. Hi.

I don't know. You got plumbing problems,
ma 'am? Why don't you go for the rest

when you can have the best?

You know how to fix pipes?

Yeah. Really?

Yeah. Now, why is that so surprising to
you?

I mean, I'm a guy.

I have a toolbox. Matter of fact, I have
a couple of toolboxes. I like beer and

I drink it. I like sports and I play
them. I own a bowling eye.

Okay, Ed, would you mind coming over to
my house and taking a look at my pipes?

You know, I've had dreams about you
saying that to me.

It's a very cheap joke.

I know.

Sometimes it was the very best.

Bill, I gotta get to Carol's. You finish
opening up for me?

Oh, and don't forget, we got Norwegian
League coming up.

Bosco, you can sack my potatoes.

Hmm? No, no, no, that's no good.

Sack my potatoes, what's that?

I'm trying to come up with a catchphrase
for myself.

Catchphrase? Yeah, you know, like Fonzie
had, hey, and Flo had, kiss my grits. I

just think it'd be really cool if I had
my own catchphrase. Okay, Bill, you

understand that both Fonzie and Flo are
fictional characters, right?

Yes, Bosco, I know that, but nowhere is
it written that a catchphrase can't work

in real life.

You know, I just figure if I keep saying
the same thing over and over, soon

everyone in town will know it. And we
could put it on T -shirts, coffee mugs,

back -to -school items.

How about this one?

What be happening, my brother?

You know, like every time I walk into a
room, I say, What be happening, my

brother?

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Shave my poodle!

All right, here's the source of your
leak, ma 'am.

Ma 'am? Part of a little plumber house I
fancy I got cooked up for myself.

Good job.

So, uh... You

have no idea what you're doing, can you?
How hard can it be to fix a pipe?

I'm calling a plumber. I can fix this.

Ed, there's no shame in not knowing how
to fix a pipe. I... Did you hear

something? I really can fix it, okay?

Ed, I can't let you touch that pipe.

I'll tell you what.

If I cannot fix this pipe, all right,
then I will run through the streets of

Stockville in only my underwear
screaming, Ed Stevens is a loser.

Are you serious?

But if I can fix this here pipe, then
you have to go to the center of town,

stand on a soapbox, and read a statement
proclaiming Edward J. Stevens to be the

best plumber in the world.

Okay, 24 hours, but you get no help.

You got a bet?

There's chili out there this time of
year.

Wow. Look at you, Nance. You're
multitasking.

Nanny's late again.

That's okay. You go to work. I'll wait.

Thanks.

Nance, what's the matter?

I'm starting to have second thoughts
about going for this promotion.

I mean, it's so much extra work.

Like, do you think I'm making a mistake?

With a baby and all? No, Nancy, I don't
think you're making a mistake. I think

if you want the promotion, you should go
for it. We'll figure it out.

Damn it.

It's all right. Come here.

I don't know, Nancy. I think formula is
okay every now and then, but most

doctors recommend breastfeeding your
laptop.

Hi.

Hey, Mr. Schaefer.

Who are you?

I'm Ed Stephens. I'm a lawyer.

You here to give me another one of them
summonses? Because I'll tell you right

now, I need another summons like I need
a rusty bear trap on my ass. Is that

right? Look, I don't work for the court.
I read about your problem in the paper,

and I'm on your side.

I'm also a big fan of your court law.

That's very nice of you to say.

But, Mr. Schaefer, I'd like to be your
lawyer, and I'd like to offer my

free of charge.

Free of charge? Why?

Because I don't like what they're doing
to you.

They keep sending me threatening
letters, telling me I have to go to

Yeah. Mr. Schaefer, I can ask, why are
you doing this?

A few months ago, I got a parking
ticket.

30 bucks.

Ruined a perfectly good day.

I figure it's only a dime to me.

But it'd be $30 if the guy's gonna get
the ticket.

Come on, Hal. You're making me look bad.

Hey, it's a tough world out there. And
if I choose to make it a little better

for people, there's not a whole hell of
a lot that you or those goons down at

City Hall can do about it. It's a tough
world? You think I don't know it's a

tough world?

I'm a 53 -year -old meter mate for
crying out loud.

You wanna know about a tough world?

You know, back in the 70s?

I used to caddy for Chi -Chi Rodriguez.

Yes, Hal, I know. I helped him win the
Denver Open.

Is that right? Yeah, I was in for 10 %
of $27 ,000.

That's none too shabby for a day's work.

Am I right?

No, sir. It's none too shabby at all.

None too... What does that mean, it is
shabby? I mean for it not to be shabby.

Look, Hal, all I want to say... Hey, you
got anything to say to me, you talk to

my lawyer.

You know, there's nothing wrong with
being a meter maid.

How very PC of you.

Excuse me.

Sure.

Good afternoon. Livestream greeting
cards. Nancy Burton speaking.

Hi, Linda. Is the baby okay?

Hold on just a second.

I'm sorry. Margaret, it's my nanny.

Bad news.

They're moving the presentation up to
Friday.

Friday. As in this Friday? Yes.

Wow.

Well, um, the artists are almost through
with the designs, but we're still

waiting on the copies, so... I'll give
the writers the new deadline, and we'll

hope for the best.

Great.

I'm sorry, Linda. So, um, what's going
on?

Your husband sprained his... Can a nose
technically be sprained?

No, okay.

Okay, yeah. I'll be home in ten minutes.

Case number SRB 624, the people versus
Hal Schaefer. Your Honor, if you please.

Yes, Mr. Stevens.

This case... This case is the textbook
definition of frivolous. My client, Mr.

Schaefer, is being charged with putting
dimes in parking meters. Has it really

come to this? There's killers running
around out there. We're going to waste

court's time on a guy feeding parking
meters?

I move this case be dismissed
immediately.

Your Honor.

First of all, the last time there was a
killer in Stuckyville was in 1862.

I doubt very much he's still running
around, as Mr. Stevens suggests. Second,

for this case being frivolous, I must
say, as the district attorney

the people of Stuckyville, I don't find
any criminal act.

to be frivolous. Criminal act? This is
not a criminal act. There's no law on

books of either state or town that
prohibits the feeding of other people's

parking meters, Your Honor. There
doesn't have to be. Mr. Schaefer

law by helping those other people get
away with parking illegally.

He's just being a nice guy. You don't
know what court in the free world would

try a case like this, really.

I believe I can answer that question,
Your Honor.

Diamond v. the city of Pittsburgh,
Burrell v. the township of North

Christensen v. San Francisco, Albaneseus
and Schnaufer v. the Knights of

Columbus. These are all cases involving
the illegal filling of parking meters.

I would be happy to continue if the
court finds it necessary.

No, no, Miss Hayne, that'll do.

Well, we'll start Wednesday.

Ed? Yeah?

Am I wrong, or did I just witness a good
old -fashioned butt -whooping? No, that

was a butt -whooping.

Thirteen and a half. Here you go, sir.
Shave my poodle.

And twelve's for you.

Shave my poodle. And eleven's.

Shave my poodle.

No, this is the fifth time I have tried
to... When she gets in, then you tell

the district attorney that Ed Stevens
called again and tell her I find her

behavior to be totally unacceptable.
Goodbye.

Wow. Hey, Carol. You know what you were
just there? What?

Hot under the collar.

I've never seen you like that before.
It's good.

Yeah, well, this ridiculous district
attorney is making me crazy.

Huh.

Oh, my God.

What? What is that?

Oh, yes.

Before court, I went to the hardware
store and I picked up all the necessary

accoutrements to fix your pipe.

Something kind of sad about that. Do not
underestimate my ingenuity, my friend.

When I was 12 years old, I took one
sled, six roller skates, two rolls of

tape, and invented what is still
lovingly referred to as the Stuckyville

Luge. Don't touch that.

Ed, you want out of this bet?

I'm going to let you out of this bet.

Seriously? No.

Fine.

The bet is on.

Okay.

So you'll come by around 7?

7 it is.

Should I cook dinner?

Yeah, that'd be great.

Okay.

I'll see you.

Miss Hayne. Oh, hello, Mr. Stevens.

Hey, did you get... I called you five
times.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but
whereas you are dealing with one case at

time, I, on the other hand, am dealing
with many cases at a time. All right,

fine. Good for you. Let's cut to the
chase. You and I both know the

house safe of putting a quarter in a
parking meter is nuts. Well, perhaps you

know that, Mr. Stevens, but I certainly
know nothing about that. Why? What is

with you?

Why? Because I believe his actions are
harmful to the common good of the people

of Stuckyville.

And what is with me?

A sense of duty to represent the people
of Stuckyville whenever and however a

law has been violated. I don't care
whether that law is murder or

The people have entrusted me with a
responsibility, and I intend to honor

trust by living up to that
responsibility.

And if that puts a crimp in your day,
Mr. Stevens, so be it.

Are you and I really going to go to
court to argue over parking meters?

Yes, we are. And frankly, from what I
saw today, I'm not expecting much of an

argument.

Mike, if I ever win another case as long
as I live, I'll be fine as long as I

beat this woman tomorrow.

Is she hot?

What is wrong with you?

What? I'm a married guy. We live
vicariously.

Mike, I'm not about to date this woman.
I'm about to have a broken bottle back

alley brawl with her in a court of law.
All right. I was just trying to get a

mental picture.

I'm sorry.

She's kind of hot.

Yeah.

Mike, ten bucks if you go out there.
Come on. I got the baby. I can't.

I can hold the baby.

Sir? Yeah?

Tonight, I celebrate my love for you.

Seems the natural thing to do.

Tonight...

lovely carol is on hold for you oh oh my
god oh here tell her tell her on my way

can you oh grab the kid yeah hey mike
i'll see you later there'll be no

between uh

hot

roast is so good it really brings an
important question to mind what's that

you marry me

I'm not sure if you really like the pot
roast that much, or you just keep eating

so you don't face the pipes. A little of
both.

I increased my homeowner's insurance
yesterday so

that I could fully enjoy your work.

You know, if I wasn't so cold of meat,
I'd have a witty comeback for that.

Boy, this pipe's a little more damaged
than I thought.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's in pretty bad shape.

Yeah.

Tell you what I'm going to do.

I will let you out of the bet right now.
I will. No questions asked, but this is

your last chance. Think about it.

You really want to stand on a soapbox in
the center of town and tell everyone

what a great plumber I am?

Am I going to have to videotape you
running through the streets in your

underwear?

Looks like the bet is on.

One fixed pipe.

How did you do that?

I worked as a plumber's apprentice in
law school.

You tricked me?

You're a plumbing hustler?

And I believe this is yours.

One prepared statement.

Soapbox in the car.

All right.

All right, this is it.

You get it over with.

Yeah, I hate to break this to you. What?

This right here?

Not the center of town.

What are you talking about?

It's Main Street.

You can't get much more central than
that.

You remember that little orienteering
project we all had to do when we were in

sixth grade? You remember that?

Kind of. Well, as you may recall, the
actual geographical center of

it's not right here where you think it
would be.

Oh, my God, you're right.

Oh, but I can't. Oh, you can't.

No, I can't. No, you can't. No, really,
I can't. I don't think you have a

choice.

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

I think you've got to go a little
louder.

I'm sorry to disturb your dinner, but I
have an announcement to make.

Edward J. Stevens is the best plumber on
the face of the

earth.

I was completely wrong.

He was completely right.

And besides being the world's greatest
plumber, he's also the...

There's no way I'm reading this.

Oh, hey, you lost a bet, sister.

He's also the world's greatest lover.

I love him dearly, and I pray that one
day

he will make me his wife.

Thank you, and God bless America.

I think he wants to kiss. I think he
wants to kiss. For

that, you're going to have to put in an
in -ground swimming pool.

Thank you.

You're very kind. Thank you very much.
Thank you.

Thank you all.

Hey, Mr. Schaefer, how are you?

You're in jail?

Hang on. Hang on. I'll be right down.

Hey, Bosco, check this out.

Bill, I'm in a hurry. No, I got my
website up and running, www

.com.

What's the next sketch?

It's version 1 .0.

Excuse me, Chief, I'm looking for Hal
Schaefer.

Don't you be calling me Chief.

You're not the Chief, please.

Yeah, I'm the Chief of Police.

But you didn't call me Chief like the
Chief of Police. You called me Chief

like... Would you mind supersizing that
order for me, Chief?

I didn't mean to offend you, sir. I'm
just looking to get House Safer out of

here.

A hundred bucks bail.

Take the Discover card.

Wait here.

Hey,

Miss Haynes. I'll talk to you later.

Mr. Stevens.

What happened?

Trouble at the bowling alley? Somebody
steal one of those little scorekeeping

pencils? That's cute. What the hell's my
client doing here?

He was feeding the meters again.

She had him thrown in jail like a common
criminal.

Mr. Schaefer is a criminal. He ignored a
dozen court orders and disobeyed direct

commands from an officer of the law.

Miss Hayden, are you familiar with a
little concept called going too far?

Relax. This isn't Oz.

He's not in the hole.

The guy just needed to be taught a
lesson, that's all.

See? He's fine.

Mr. Schaefer, you okay?

Yeah, I'm good. They got a PlayStation
in the holding cell.

Let's go.

So, there's everybody in the middle of
their French onion soup or whatever, and

I'm up on a soapbox proclaiming my love
for Edward Chastain.

You were standing on an actual soapbox?
Yeah.

I thought that was just an expression. I
didn't even know they still made

soapboxes. Well, leave it to Ed to go
out and find one.

Wow, it sounds like quite a night. It
was.

It was. It was...

Goofy and stupid and... I don't know, it
was fun.

What?

Oh, my God.

What?

Carol Bessie wants Ed Stevens.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Mr. Schaefer, when do you begin this
innocent little practice of feeding the

Grove Street parking meters?

Objection. Fine, same question, minus
the part she objected to.

I've been doing it since the holiday
season, a couple months or so. In that

time, how much money would you say
you've put into these meters?

I ain't keeping count.

Probably a couple hundred dollars, more
or less. Why, Mr. Schaefer? What makes

you want to spend a couple hundred
dollars of your own hard -earned money

other people's parking?

Mr. Stevens, life is just one pain in
the ass after another.

Paper cuts, soup on your pants, those
little pieces of tape that make it so

hard to open a new compact disc.

You know, they ought to have a Sniglet
for those.

Hey, is that guy still doing the
Sniglets? You know, I don't know.

But the worst pain in the ass I know is
getting a $30 ticket...

Just because you're a minute too late.

Look, I'm just trying to make a tiny
little dent in the world's accumulated

pain.

So sue me.

They already have.

Thank you, Mr. Schaefer.

Mr. Schaefer, you're an awfully generous
guy, aren't you? Laying out a couple

hundred dollars just to help your fellow
man.

Yeah, I'm a regular Mother Teresa.

You couldn't...

to possibly be doing this to boost your
business.

No, I'm not.

No, no. It never would have crossed your
mind that if people could park for

free, they're more likely to stop in for
a sandwich. I'm just trying to be

friendly. I don't mind giving away a
little money.

Giving it away? I bet you're actually
making money off of this scam.

Objection. Mr. Schaefer's not running a
scam.

You're actually making money off of this
racket.

Objection. Flynn Flann.

Objection. Am I going to have to
separate the two of you?

No, sir.

Nancy. Yeah. They're ready for you in
the boardroom.

What?

I thought we were doing this at 6 o
'clock.

I haven't had time to review the copy.
I'm sure you'll be fine.

Okay, guys, this is it. I need the copy.

What copy?

You know, the words that go inside the
card.

Nancy, it's not due for another week.

The presentation was moved up to today.

Didn't I tell you? No.

I didn't tell you. I didn't tell you.
Okay.

You guys, do you have anything ready?
Anything at all?

Come on.

I'm completely screwed.

Chief Curry, before Mr.

Schaefer started feeding the meters, how
much money did the town of Stuckyville

take in from them?

$1 ,100 a month.

And since Mr.

Schaefer has been feeding the meters?

Dropped down to a couple of hundred.

Why have the meters been yielding so
much less money than usual?

Because he only puts money in them when
he sees the meter maid coming.

So Mr. Schaefer is actively helping
people commit a crime by cheating the

meters. Yes, he is.

Thank you.

You're allowed to ask questions now.

It's called cross -examination.

Chief Curry, let me get this straight.

You say the Grove Street parking
meters...

It used to take in $1 ,100 a month. Is
that right?

That's right. I'm confused. I am so
confused.

Because I know the meters take a dime an
hour. I multiply that by the number of

meters in the street, the number of
hours in a day. Well, I don't get

near $1 ,100 a month. Why is that? Is it
me? Is my math bad? Is it the new math?

It's not only the dimes. Some of that
comes from parking tickets.

Oh.

Well, I am so dumb.

Okay, so it's parking tickets. That
explains it. Parking tickets. And when

say some of the $1 ,100, how much?

A third? A quarter? How much exactly?

You have to check the figures.

Well, you know what, Chief? You do not,
for I have already taken care of it for

you. I have here an official report
detailing all the tickets written to the

Grove Street parking meters. Now, how
much of the $1 ,100 was for parking

tickets?

$980. What?

$980 was for parking tickets? So then
this was never about the meters.

It's about you meeting some kind of
ticket quota, isn't it, Chief?

Wow. It's funny.

I used to think...

Police are supposed to want less crime,
not more.

Objection. Nothing further.

Good afternoon, everybody.

I am very pleased to present the fruits
of several months of labor, the newest

line of Lifestream greeting cards.

I have the artwork on slide, and I'll be
reading the text from my notebook.

Here we have a lovely birthday card for
Grandma, and it will read, Happy

Birthday, Grandma.

And inside the card will say, You're my
grandma, and it's your

birthday. And I love you, and I wish you
all the best on this special day.

Way to stay alive, Grandma.

And this card will say, congratulations,
son, on catching your first fish.

I was under the impression that this was
a Father's Day card.

Yes, yes, yes. I'm sorry, my notes are
out of order. Actually, it should say,

happy Father's Day to my father, with
whom

I fish on a regular basis.

And, of course, this card will read...
I'm sorry to

hear that you have become homeless.

Tough break.

Tough... tough break.

We're just seconds away from a 20
-minute music marathon. But first,

trivia question.

The song Can't Fight This Feeling was
recorded by the band REO Speed Blank.

First one to call with the correct
answer wins 20 % off the waterbed of

choice at Waterbed World.

All right, Godfrey from Stuckyville,
let's hear it. Hey, how you doing? First

time caller, long -time listener. Just
want to say a big fan of the show.

Thanks, Godfrey. REO Speed blank.

Okay, I want to say shave my poodle. Is
it REO Speed shave my poodle?

No, I'm sorry.

Okay, just one more thing.

Ba -ba -booey, ba -ba -booey.

Hey.

Well, what are you doing here?

I just had to see this for myself.

Bowling alley, law practice.

You know, I'm pretty sure I've heard
every bowling alley insult, but feel

Look, Ed, I'm not trying to ruin your
life. I'm just trying to do my job.

Then drop the case.

I can't do that. Why not?

Because I didn't come to Stuckyville to
drop cases. I came here to win cases.

Please have a seat.

So, um, you're not from Stuckyville
originally?

Oh, God, no. I'm from Detroit.

And you're here because?

I think we just covered that. I'm here
to win cases.

All right. In a big city, I would be
just another lawyer.

Here, I'm the district attorney, and I'm
racking up as many convictions as I can

before I go. You know, Bonnie, maybe
after you've done this for a while,

see that it's not all about winning.

That's a good philosophy for a guy who's
about to lose.

Okay. All right. And how about this?

You drop the charges, put my client on
probation. That way, if he does it

again... No, no way. No can do. Don't
you want to hear what I'm offering?

Actually, I'm afraid I'll be bored.

You'll be... You know, you've got
some... All right, all right. Go ahead.

Drop the charges. If my client
doesn't... I knew it. I'm bored. I'm

see you in court.

Yeah, you know what?

I'll see you in court.

Is that the best you can do?

Kind of sad.

Whoa.

What was that?

Nothing.

Hey, I brought you some pot roast.

Leftovers from last night.

Oh, hey.

Thanks. Thank you.

I had a really good time, by the way.

Last night.

Good. Yeah. What? Yeah.

It was great.

Yeah.

I guess I should probably be going.

Yeah. I mean, I'd love to hang out, but
I really better hammer out these closing

statements.

Can't let her win this one.

No. No.

Okay, well, I'll see you around then.

Uh, yeah. Bye, Cal.

Bye.

You have to see me?

Yes, Nancy.

Look, before you say anything, I just
really want to apologize for yesterday.

The last few months have been kind of
tough for me, and... Nancy, I didn't

you in to chastise you.

I'm giving you the promotion.

I want you to create your own line of
cards.

Really? That's great, but I don't get
it, Margaret. I just blew my entire

presentation. Nancy, you have to make a
choice.

I'm giving you more responsibility
because I want a bigger commitment.

Gee, thank you, Margaret. It's just...
You're welcome, Nancy.

I'm just really happy.

Thank you.

Ed said anything to you about Bonnie
Hayne?

Uh, no.

Who's that?

District attorney.

Just a hot little number.

I saw her last night at the bowling
alley.

I see.

Uh, what were you doing at the bowling
alley?

What do you mean? I go there all the
time.

And last night you went there to... Oh,
I brought Ed some pot roasts.

Carol, what are you doing?

What? Look, I didn't want to say
anything when you were all...

giggly about your standing on a soapbox
night but i think you got to be a little

bit careful here careful about what
about ed okay after everything that you

put him through i have put him through
what are we talking about here come on

carol the guy practically set himself on
fire to get your attention you said no

thanks not interested and now here you
are a little bit lonely and you're

bringing the guy a pot roast

The pressure's finally got to the poor
son of a bitch. So I'm rehearsing. Can I

help you with something?

Shave my poodle.

You have a laugh track. Can't do comedy
without one. People have to be told one

to laugh.

Right. Do you recognize it?

What? The laugh.

I taped it off all in the family, the
one where Sammy Davis Jr. kisses Archie

Bunker. Good choice, Phil.

Shave my poodle.

Mr. Stevens is going to get up here and
say, if Mr.

Schaefer decides, out of the goodness of
his heart, to put a dime in a parking

meter so that someone doesn't get a
ticket, what's the big crime?

Well, the crime is this.

Mr. Schaefer is helping that someone
break the law. Mr. Schaefer is operating

a lookout.

The town of Stuckyville decided that the
price to park on Grove Street is a dime

for an hour. Mr. Schaefer decided that
it's free unless the meter maid comes.

And that decision is not his to make.

Thank you.

In our country, law enforcement has
rules.

Get a ticket if you're caught speeding
on a highway? Yes.

Do you get a ticket if you flash your
lights at oncoming traffic to warn them

a speed trap? No. Do you get a ticket if
you park illegally? Yes. Do you get a

ticket if you warn someone their meter's
about to expire?

No. No. What Mr. Schaefer's been doing,
it's not illegal.

It's charitable.

And in a world where most people are
just looking out for themselves, do we

really want to punish a guy who's just
trying to be generous?

Well, this is a tough one.

In the immortal words of my Uncle Frank,
I need to sleep on it.

So I'll be back here tomorrow.

Hey, she's asleep.

How you doing, honey? Honey, I'm
exhausted.

I bet.

I love this line.

I'll brought you, man.

By the way, I have something for you.

That was a big day here, too.

Go ahead, pop it in. Honey. Go ahead.

All right, Sarah, enough screwing
around. You're old enough to roll over

yourself. We're tired of waiting. Now
you go ahead and you do it. You just

over, Sarah, all right? Here you go,
honey.

Let's see you roll over here. Go ahead
and help her out, Ed.

Ed. Yeah. You want to take... Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.

You get it. All right. Show her the
technique.

Show her that burning roll.

You turn the shoulders and you get all
into it. You roll.

That's weak. This is weak.

This is weak. Let me show you how it's
done, Mike.

All right.

You got to roll, Sarah. It's all like...

You see the crazy man? Roll the crazy
man. You can roll the crazy man. Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Mr. Schaefer, I do believe that your
intentions are charitable rather than

-interested. However, by feeding the
meters only when you see the meter maid

coming, you both encourage and assist
illegal parking.

Now, this has got to stop.

Since you refuse to heed previous
warnings, I'm going to fine you $500.

Do it again, and I'll be more than happy
to double it.

Sorry, Mr. Schaefer.

I'm hungry for soup.

You want to get some soup?

No, thanks.

Not right now. Thank you. I'm going for
soup.

So what now? You stensing my silhouette
onto your nose cone?

I would, but it's not over yet.

What do you mean it's not over? You won.

I'm going to file an appeal.

$500 isn't enough. The town is entitled
to recoup its lost funds in their

entirety. What?

That... You... That... Shave my poodle.

Margaret, do you have a second? Sure,
Nancy. Come in.

I've given it a lot of thought, and I've
decided I don't want the promotion.

Why not?

You know, my daughter rolled over for
the first time the other day.

Why don't you have a seat?

Margaret, you have three children.

How do you find time for everything?

Nancy, I don't.

I've missed out on a lot.

I'd stay home with the kids.

I wouldn't have this career.

Do you ever regret your choice?

Nope.

It was the right one for me.

Nancy, are you sure you want to pass
this up?

Yeah.

Yeah, I am.

Hi, it's me.

Hey, Carol.

What's happening?

My pipe's burst again.

Oh, no.

It's like Old Faithful down here.
There's water all over the floor, and I

you need to come over right now.

Yeah, okay, don't worry. Look, I'll be
right over. But, hey, listen, in the

meantime, though, try to clamp it the
way we did yesterday, okay?

Okay. You remember that, right? Right.

I'll see you soon.

Yeah, bye.

Thank God you're here.

Come on in.

Hurry.

Where's the leak?

Wow.

It's a good question. I don't know.

It must have stopped when I was letting
you in.

That's so weird, because a few minutes
ago it was like... You just...

Everywhere. Where's the water coming
from? Is it coming from the same place?

You know, I'm not sure.

Maybe we should just hang out and see if
it happens again.

Okay. Hey, in the meantime, you know
what we can do?

What? We can split the floor in half and
each take a mop.

And then whoever finishes last has to go
back to that restaurant and run up to

the maitre d' and kiss him right on the
lip.

You're on. Where's my mop?

Hello. Hey, Mr. Schaefer, how's your
suit?

Where?

That's ridiculous. Hang tight. I'm on my
way. And listen, hey, tell Bonnie Hane

to wait for me. I want to talk to her
about this.

You know what, Carol?

I hate to leave you in a lurch like
this, but I really got to go.

What happened?

Bonnie Hane again. Mr. Schaefer's thrown
in jail.

You can't help but get the thing. She's
just doing this to goad me. Oh.

It's like she...

Do you ever have someone who just gets
under your skin?

Uh -huh.

Yeah.

Anyway, look, if that pipe goes again,
you better call a plumber. I obviously

didn't fix it right. No, you... Okay.

Okay, bye.

Bye.