All language subtitles for Ed s01e09 Your Life Is Now

So tired, tired of waiting, tired of
waiting for you.

So tired, tired of waiting, tired of
waiting for you.

Hey, Tucker's Appliances. Yeah, hello,
this is Ed Stephens calling. Listen, you

guys said my new refrigerator would be
here by noon. It's already 2 o 'clock,

I was wondering... Stephens.

Ed Stephens. Yeah, that's right. Is
there more than one Stephens? Thank you.

Yeah, 3 o 'clock.

You're telling me 3 o 'clock now? All
right. You're sure?

You're sure?

Okay. I'll wait.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. You are going to die when
you hear this. What?

Jesse's coming to school this week.

Former child star Corey Felton. No.

Former child star Corey Haim. Getting
warmer.

I have no idea who is it. Tori McCallum.

Oh, my God.

Why? The athletic department's throwing
some alumni holiday dinner for old

football captains.

Troy McCallum's coming here.

When's the last time you talked to him?

Let's see, that would have to be April
19th of senior year, the day that he

dumped me, yes, and shattered my heart
into a hundred million tiny little

pieces. Right.

Tucker's applying.

Ed Stevens calling again. Listen, you
guys said I have my fridge.

4 o 'clock.

You'll have my fridge here by 4 o
'clock.

Well, that'll be quite a feat given that
it's 4 .36 right now.

5 o 'clock.

5 o 'clock. All right, fine. That's
fine. But that's a promise, right?

can't afford to sit around here and
waste any more time.

Okay. 5 o 'clock.

I can keep by your side Watching the
wide world I've

been hiding out I'll be coming next year

And this figure he added there unto,
that gold rust, what shall poor iron do?

So what is our good friend Charles'
point here?

Hmm?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Say it by the bell.

I'll see you tomorrow. Don't forget to
read The Sumner's Tale.

There could be a quiz.

Bye -bye. Andrew, do your reading.

Yes,

Warren. I'm on the planning committee
for the sophomore Christmas party at

Stucky Bowl. Uh -huh. And I'm, like,
entitled to two free shoe rents. That's

great, Warren. Use them wisely.

So, should I pick up at 8 or... Warren,
you know that I can't... Maybe this will

change your mind.

It's very sweet, Warren, but I can't
accept that.

Well, at least look inside.

Oh, Warren.

Here's the deepest secret nobody knows.

Here's the root of the root and the bud
of the bud, the sky of the sky of a tree

called life, which grows higher than the
soul can hope or mind can hide.

And this is the wonder that's keeping
the stars apart.

I carry your heart.

I carry it in my heart.

Oh, my God.

E .E. Cummings, I memorized it for you.
It's not like lower stuff.

Warren, we have to talk.

Whoa. Oh, I know what those magic words
mean.

You're breaking up with me.

Warren, I can't break up with you if I
was never going out with you in the

place.

So this is how it ends.

Not with a bing with a whimper.

Elliot, please don't go.

Elliot, don't.

Excuse me. Look, I bought a
refrigerator.

It was supposed to be delivered
yesterday. It never showed up. Are you

You mean my shirt? What was it, a
stealth refrigerator?

Look, I'd like to see the manager,
please. Sitting at the breakfast.

You people wasted a whole day of my
life. I don't care if he's having

omelets and mimosas with the ambassador.

What ambassador? Any ambassador. Elliot,
just go. All right, go through the

stereos, make a right at the computers,
make a left at the toaster ovens,

another left at the microwaves, and he's
right on the other side of the mouse

pad.

Elliot, please don't just go.

Thank you.

So, uh... Your old buddy Troy McKellen's
coming to town in a couple of days. Are

you getting excited?

No, I am not getting excited.

I'm not going to go to that alumni
football doodad, and I'm not going to

him. Oh, come on. You two are quite the
pair.

Aren't you just, like, a little bit
curious to see how he turned out?

Miles, you seem to be glossing over the
fact that Troy McKellen was really,

really horrible to me. I know he broke
up with you. No, no. He didn't just

up with me. He broke up with me. Like,
kaboom.

What did he do?

Okay, we went out for two years, and
then one night at the pond, he turns to

and says, Babe, think about growing you.

That's it. Nothing else. And then, as a
little added bonus, he starts dating my

former best friend, Claire Smiley, two
days later.

I didn't know that. I'm so sorry,
sweetie.

Pulse. It was ten years ago.

I'm fine now.

Right, right.

Look, Larry, this should not require a
20 -minute conversation. It's very

simple. I paid for a fridge. I waited
for a fridge. I have no fridge. Three

weeks.

Three weeks. That's what you said three
weeks ago. Look, why don't you just give

me a fridge? You got 5 ,000
refrigerators here. How do you people

business? You know what?

I'm not crazy about your attitude.

My attitude? You're not crazy about...
You people make me stay home all day

waiting for a fridge that you don't
deliver. Now I come down here, you don't

have the decency to apologize to me and
go get me my refrigerator, and you're

not crazy about my attitude, Larry?

I think the way you just said Larry was
very aggressive.

You know, I am a lawyer, and you're just
begging for a lawsuit, pal. So sue me,

whatever you want.

Just let me eat my quest sandwich.
Elliot, please go to Stowe's.

I gave you a locket.

Gotta hand it to the kid. That's pretty
classy.

Yeah, kind of like something a young
Edward Stevens might have done.

I thought you didn't remember me from
high school.

Hypothetically. I was a loser.

I could have used some help back then.
I'm sure you were fine.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in
time, you know, and do high school all

again, knowing what I know now.

Do you really think that would make any
difference? None whatsoever.

But what about stocking Apple computers?

Two, please.

Hi, guys.

Hi. Wow, you got your hair done.

Interesting. What is interesting about
me getting my hair done? Well, Troy

McCallum's coming to town. Carol Vesey
gets her hair done.

Coincidence? I think not. Troy McCallum.
Man, did I hate that guy.

So what do you think, Ed? We'll, uh...

Will old Sparks be once again fanned
into roaring flames?

You've got to cut it out. I have not
even thought of the name Troy McCallum

since the 80s, and I have moved on a bit
since then, you know? What do you think

he's going to look like? Oh, come on.
You know how this one goes.

Former football star has to show up bald
with a beer gut. Yep. What if there's a

twist? And we're all expecting him to be
bald with a beer gut, so instead he

shows up handsome and fit.

Interesting. But now that we've
anticipated the twist, it might be even

twist if he's bald with a beer gut.

Yeah. A twist on the twist, Molly. I
think you nailed this one.

You know, you're both insane.

Phil,

I need to see you in my office. Yeah,
Bosco, hold on a second.

What do you think?

About what?

Well, check out the top of the tree.

Ah, a Jewish star.

That's nice. Yeah, this way, the
Christians are happy and the Jews are

Man, we got all the angles covered.

What about the Hindus?

Okay, that's like a special kind of Jew,
right? The kind that wears the hat?

Doctor's appliances wasted a day of my
life.

I'm going to waste a day of theirs.

My man is a bronco, snorting and pawing
at the dirt.

I want you to take this flyer, make 500
copies, post them all over town.

Tucker's Appliances announces a giant
pre -Christmas giveaway.

Come to our store at noon tomorrow. Put
your hand on the appliance of your

choice, and if you can keep it there
until closing time, you get the

for free. Keep reading.

Remember, don't let us talk you into
leaving. It's all part of the game.

Think it'll work?

What? I'm just so proud of you.

That's who this is?

It's Troy McCallum. God, how long's it
been, huh?

Listen, I'm coming to town for a couple
of days, and I was hoping we could get

together and do some catching up. So
give me a call. I'm at 616 -653 -23...

It's all the big sophomore bowling
party. You bringing anybody?

What are you, like, rubbing in or
something?

Rubbing what in?

I've seen you with Carol. I know you're
like her boyfriend or whatever.

Believe me, Warren, I am not her
boyfriend.

You're not?

And by that time, you busted into our
class in that fruity -ass night suit.

Well, since that time kept, Miss Vessie
and I have mutually agreed to be

friends.

She totally dissed you.

That's awesome.

Guess we're just a couple of losers.

Two losers hanging tinsel in a bowling
alley.

I wouldn't exactly say that... Except
you're an even bigger loser than me,

because you're like...

20 years older, which gives me 20 years
to become not a loser, but it's too

late. Easy, champ. Nobody here's a
loser.

You bringing someone to this party or
what?

What do you care?

Well, I guess you sort of remind me of
myself when I was your age. I thought

could use a little perspective on the
situation.

Well, you know, when I was your age, the
idea of walking up to a girl and asking

her out was just mortifying, you know?

Life or death situation, so I didn't do
it nearly as often as I should have.

So, like, what's your point? My point
is, now that I'm older, I realize I

have gone for it. You know, even if I'd
gotten one yes for every ten no's, it

still would have been worth it. Hmm.

So, anyway, who's the girl?

Must be someone you like.

Yeah, I guess.

What's her name?

Jessica Martel.

She's really hot, and she, like, writes
these poems that are totally intense,

like, about feelings and stuff, and,
like... Sounds perfect.

Right.

No, no. There's no way she'd ever go out
with me.

She's like the most popular girl in our
school.

So what, Warren? Who cares? Look,
listen.

When you see this girl this afternoon, I
want you to walk up to her and say hi.

Even if you don't ask her out, you just
start talking to her. Make an

impression. Take a shot, you know?

It's worth a shot, right?

Yeah, I guess. There you go.

Can we stop talking now?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm loving this. You were mad as hell.
You were not going to take it anymore.

It's like a modern -day David versus
Goliath. Are you going to have people

the flyers? Dude, I put them he
everywhere.

Well, let's see how he did.

Ladies and gentlemen, I repeat, there is
no contest.

We have nothing to do with these flyers.

Someone is playing a...

Yeah, sure there isn't. You gotta wake
up pretty early in the morning to fool

me. I swear to God. Hello, Larry.

Remember how you wasted an entire day of
my life?

Well, sir, I do believe the score is
officially tied.

Did you hear that? Did you hear that?
He's the one! He's the one who put up

flyers! He just said so! That's right.

It was me.

Sir, there's no contest.

Please take your hands off the stove.

You are good.

He almost had me.

You have a nice day, Larry.

Good luck. Good luck. Good luck.

Good luck.

Don't give up. Good luck. Good luck.
Good luck. Hope you win. Don't give up.

Good luck. Hope you win. Good luck.

Oh, my God.

Did you call him back?

Yep, and he wants to have a drink
together when he's in town.

And what did you say?

I said, sure.

I didn't want to give him the
satisfaction of saying no, because that

like I actually care.

All right, so talk to me. What's he
like?

He's got a lake house in Michigan, a
vice president of sales for a

pharmaceutical company.

Married, divorced.

Married, two kids, Portuguese water dog.

Wow.

Well, Troy made a pretty good life for
himself.

Yeah. Yeah, he sounded very, very happy.

Sorry. Yeah.

Ooh. Oh, my God.

Dr. Love is in the house.

Jessica Martel. Ooh, man, he's shooting
from the top shelf.

He just looks at him and he says...

Hi, Mr.

Kerwin.

Oh, my God.

What did Coach Kerwin do? He made him
eat a tube sock.

A tube sock.

What's up, Tim?

What up, dog?

Word.

Hey, Vanessa.

How about trig today, huh?

Mr. Drake's a total hard -ass, right?

Total hard -ass.

Hey,

Jessica.

Hi.

Warren.

Cheswick.

People usually call me Ches.

Nobody calls you Ches.

Well, no, it's like a limited release
right now. I'm gonna go wide with it in

couple weeks.

Uh -huh.

A couple weeks.

You guys see Felicity the other night?

Hey, Jessica, I read your poem, Soul
Dragon.

It's actually really cool. I really
liked it.

Hey.

Oh, my God, Jess.

Cheswick is checking out your rack.

Tim. What?

You better apologize, Ches.

Oh, no, no, no. Come on, Ches. Leave him
alone.

Come on, Ches. Let's hear it.

I didn't... I didn't look...

Bosco! I've got a tasty idea for a
sequel to The Flyers. Not necessary,

All I wanted was one day at a business,
and that's what I got. Check it. We

sneak in after dark, we put Spanish Fly
in the water coolers, then we just sit

back and watch all the salesmen do it.

Phil, there's no such thing as Spanish
Fly. You're right.

Are you Everett J. Stevens?

Yep. You're being sued by Tucker
Appliances for $4 ,600.

This is the estimated amount of lost
revenues incurred today.

We'll see you in court, Mr. Stevens.

The plot.

Tucker's appliances versus Edward J.
Stevens.

Mr. Stevens, where's your attorney?

Actually, Your Honor, I'm representing
myself in this matter.

Haven't you heard the saying, he who
represents himself has a fool for a

Yes, I have, and I tried my best to
convince me not to hire me to represent

myself, but I simply refused to listen
to me.

I trust that'll be your last attempt at
self -representation humor.

Yes, sir.

Warren,

life is short. You got a packet full of
experiences, all kinds of experiences.

Don't let this time go to waste.

I take it things didn't go so well with
Jessica. No. In fact, it was a complete

disaster. You just ruined my life. Thank
you.

Hey, look, the plan A didn't work, so
fine.

We'll just go with plan B.

What's plan B?

Plan B? Plan B? It's great. It's big.
It's huge. It's large.

You have no idea. None whatsoever.

Great.

It's Christmas

time.

It's Christmas time again.

I'm losing him. Out of my way.

Young man's going to die.

Come on. I'm not going to lose you. I'm
not going to lose another one.

Come on.

Don't go dying on me.

Damn it. It's not breathing.

I got nothing. I got no action.

You, muscles, go get me a knife.

Now. That means movement, muscles.

Come on. Don't you throw in that towel.
I'm not going to let you go.

Yeah, you're kind, pony boy.

Stay away from the light.

Where's that knife I ordered?

Got it.

Son of a bitch.

Looks like you're doing better.

Snap out of it. Come on. You're going to
be okay. You're going to live.

What happened to me?

My guess is you had a mild cardio
infraction.

Wow,

you saved my life.

What now?

What now?

Well, I recommend that you stay away
from the fried food.

And you, why don't you take them for a
full examination, huh?

And you, Pinky, bring me a bourbon and
water.

Thanks.

All right, guys, come on.

Let's go, kids. Show's over. Nothing to
see here. Let's go.

Come on.

Let's go have a date.

When's the big date with Troy McCallum?

Not a date. Not a date. What is it? A
meeting? A get -together? A con fad,

perhaps.

More like two friends getting together
to talk about old times. I see. No

of fact, you are more than welcome to
come with me, right? No, no, no, no. You

see, Carol, you're in Troy old times, my
old times very different. You guys

swept through high school, like Frank
Sinatra and Ava Gardner. I was more like

the guy who played Wojohowicz on Barney
Miller.

Max Gale.

Exactly. See, and I don't want to be a
geeky third wheel when a big magical

reunion takes place.

I see.

I see. No, she'll be, Ed, you're not
geeky. You're not geeky.

That is just so sweet.

That is the worst impression of me I've
ever heard. No, it isn't. Seriously,

everybody, I'm proud as I'm proud. I do
not sound like that. Mr.

Stevens, do you or do you not own a...
What is it that you find so

amusing? Oh, nothing. Sorry, it's just
my first time understanding.

That picture on the left is askew.

I'll get wet on that.

As I was saying.

Do you own a laser jet printer, model
number 3 ,000... Look, I don't want to

interrupt your little game of Clue here,
but why don't we cut to the chase?

I wrote the flyers. I printed the
flyers. And I got to say, I'm pretty

proud of the flyers. Did you post them
knowing that you'd disrupt business at

Tucker's Appliances?

Knowing, no.

Hoping, yes.

Oh.

So you concocted this childish scheme
with the full intention of... Well, I

object that. Of course.

Objection. Overruled. Please continue,
Mr. Stansley.

You concocted this childish scheme with
the full intention of causing Tucker's

appliances financial damage.

Yes, sir, I did. I was trying to even
the score.

You cost them $4 ,600 in business.

Now, how much did your refrigerator
cost?

About $300. Oh.

That score doesn't sound so even to me.

Nothing further.

It's like jumped over the counter.

Hey, Warren.

How you doing? Jessica, Sue. What's up?

Not too much.

I was just talking to my friends about
the other night in the diner.

The diner?

Yeah, when you saved that guy.

Oh, right.

It was the most amazing thing I've ever
seen.

You know, it's funny when you hold life
in your hands like that.

He realized that life isn't made up of
steel or oak.

No, no, it's really much more. It's made
up of gossamer silk and

leaves and trees.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. Lilies.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess.

So, are you going to the Christmas party
Friday night?

I don't know. I might swing by.

I'm going.

So, maybe I'll see you there? Yeah.

Yeah.

Ladies.

Tucker's appliances failed to make a
delivery.

Did Mr.

Stevens ask Tucker's for his money back?

No. Did he sue them?

No.

Instead, he intentionally brought their
operations to a halt.

costing them their average daily intake
of $4 ,600.

Your Honor, hold him responsible for his
actions.

Thank you.

Mr. Stevens, your closing statements.

Your Honor, I recently moved into a new
place.

And the previous owner was this
wonderful, wonderful elderly gentleman

it turns out...

Hadn't bought a new appliance since,
well, since the days when people rode

around on those bikes with the giant
front wheel and tiny back wheel.

But anyway, what I had was an icebox.

What I needed was a refrigerator. So I
took myself down to Tucker's Appliances,

and I plunked down 300 bucks for a brand
new one. What happened next was what

happens to thousands, no, millions of
consumers a year.

I was treated like garbage.

Garbage. Now, Mr. Stansley here, he
makes a fair point. He says I simply

have sued instead of taking the matters
into my own hands. But, you see, Say I

had sued and won. Well, what happens
next?

Tucker's Appliances simply pays me some
money. But you see, Your Honor, what

they took from me wasn't money.

It was time. 24 hours of time.

Now, you can always make more money.

You can never make more time. It's
priceless.

So, the way I look at it, for $4 ,600,
Tucker's Appliances got off cheap.

Thank you.

I sympathize with you, Mr. Stevens.

I once spent three hot summer days
waiting for an air conditioner in my

underwear. How that air conditioner got
in my underwear, I'll never know.

Tip of the hat to Groucho Marx.

Anyway, I intend to use the power of
this court to teach Tucker's Appliances

lesson. Mr. Jenkins, your claim of $4
,600 is denied.

Thank you, Your Honor. I'm not finished.

Mr. Stevens, Tucker's Appliances was not
the only victim of your prank.

You wasted the valuable, dare I say...

priceless time of every customer who
showed up at that store hoping to win

contest. I'm going to require that you
send each of them a handwritten letter

apology, 100 words or more.

I know, it sounds a little like third
grade, but it's all I could think of.

Court adjourned.

He's got the wife and the family, the
big job. Oh, I bet he looks great. I'm

walking into a lion's den.

Walking into a lion's den? Who talks
like that?

I was using an analogy for dramatic
effect.

Well done, well done. Um, whatever
happened to... Oh, it was ten years ago.

cares about Troy McCallum? That was
before I knew I'd have to sit across

him and have his fabulous life jammed
down my throat.

Okay. Honey, there is nothing wrong with
your life.

I know.

I know.

I know, but you know the last words that
jerk said to me were, I've outgrown

you. And lo and behold, here he comes.

With the wife and the kids and the job
and the Portuguese water dog. And what

I have?

None of the above.

I'm still right here in Stuckyville. I
teach at the high school, no less.

He has outgrown me.

God, I hope he's bald.

Okay, okay.

Let me ask you a simple question that I
already know your answer to.

Are you happier now or when you were in
high school?

Now.

I mean, maybe not at this exact moment,
but yeah, now, right.

Right. Now, think about that, Carol.

Okay, back then, you were prom queen,
and you were head cheerleader, and you

graduated, like, fourth in our class.

I mean, you had everything a human being
could want, and yet you are happier now

than you were back then. I mean, does
that tell you anything about yourself?

Okay. So I've grown a little bit since
high school.

Let me ask you something.

All right, shoot.

Would you call this an outfit, or is it
more of an ensemble?

Sort of.

Ed,

you called? We came. What can we do for
you?

You guys remember someone from high
school named Troy McCallum? Oh, God, who

could forget Troy McCallum?

Total stud.

I hated that kid.

Not as much as me.

You had reason to hate him.

A mighty dog of a reason.

Mighty dog of a reason. That's very
clever, Michael. Thank you.

I remember that.

I'm proud to announce that after 10
years, it's finally payback time.

You made me eat a can of dog food, I'm
going to make him eat a can of dog food.

It's omerta.

Eddie, that's not what omerta means.

I'm going to meet him and Carol Vessi
for a few drinks. I'm going to slide the

waiter a couple of bucks to bring over
this special pate and cracker combo,

except pate?

It's actually dog food.

Troy won't know it's dog food. Carol
won't know it's dog food. And Troy

is going to eat every last one of these
suckers. I'm going to sit back quietly

and enjoy my own private revenge.

Hey, hey.

Ten bucks if you... He's good?

The kid is good.

Carol Vestey.

Troy.

Hey.

Get out.

Wow.

Wow.

Can I get you folks anything?

Sparkling water, please.

A nice cold beer, sweetheart. Keep them
coming.

Oh, my God, if I had a nickel for every
time I heard you say that.

You know what I was thinking about on my
way over here?

What's that?

Do you remember the night that Gordy
Sepulchre got his ass stuck in the

toboggan? I had forgotten that.

Yeah.

Well, tell me more about you.

So what have you been up to these past
ten years?

Well, let's see.

When we left off, you had just dumped me
for Claire Smiley.

So the next day, I just...

curled up in a little ball and I've been
crying in my room ever since. Yeah,

right. I just talked to Claire Smiley.

She's working at the Antique Roadshow.
That television program.

Yeah, she's in charge of the lamps.

Wow. Thank you.

And you have a family. Thanks,
sweetheart.

Yeah, yeah. Got a wife, you know, kids,
SUV, the whole shaboo.

And you, still footloose and fancy free.

Still letting the good times roll, huh?

I've sort of been holding out for Mr.
Wright.

Hi, guys. I'm Er. Hello.

Ted Baxter, the old Mary Tyler Moore
show.

You said you're holding out for Mr.
Wright, and I just showed up right at

exact moment. Ted Baxter, the old Mary
Tyler Moore show. It's the funniest

humanly possible.

Ed? Yeah? Did you want to join us? Sure,
okay, for a bit.

He's okay.

Troy, do you remember Ed Stevens? He was
also in our class at Stuckyville.

Ed Stevens. That's right.

Did you used to have a mohawk?

No, no, that was Eric Stammen. Right,
Eric Stammen. He's in prison.

Really? Yeah, yeah. Something about
scratch -off lottery tickets.

Yeah, well, I remember you, Troy.

You were the man. King. Good guy.

BMOC. Star.

Troy McCallum.

Superstar.

Hey, it's a Stuckyville High School.

Oh, beer always tastes better in
Stuckyville.

Okay, gentlemen, it's time.

Time for what?

Time to talk the talk and walk the walk.

Hold my due.

Hey, Jessica.

Hi, Warren.

This is pure madness.

Hey, looks like the lunatics are running
the asylum tonight, huh?

What?

Said it looks like the lunatics are,
uh...

Oh, Tim Cooper.

Who would have thought this guy right
here could be such a damn hero, huh?

you have a judgment here. Couldn't get
over that act of bravery at the night of

the diamond, could you, sweetheart?

There's nothing really. Nothing?

Don't sell yourself short, boy. You're a
damn hero.

I mean, look at this guy right here,
huh?

No offense, but to the naked eye, you're
really a loser. And here you are saving

a life.

Knock it off, dude. Knock it off? We are
in the presence of a hero. Granted, he

looks, smells, and acts like a loser,
but in fact, hero.

I'm not a hero.

You're the hero.

Come on.

I think you're one of the best
quarterbacks we had in school. I think

awesome.

All right.

Whatever, man.

No,

seriously.

You can really throw a football.

We're cool. Because I know I can't throw
a football.

But you, I mean, you can really throw
one.

When you throw it, it's like on a rope,
you know? It's just right there.

I mean, you don't have an arm so much as
a gun.

You've got like a big gun right here.

No, no, no, a rifle.

You've got a rifle. This guy has a
rifle.

Actually, you know what?

That's a really good nickname.

People should start calling you that,
the Rifleman.

Hey, Rifleman, what are you doing
tonight? You know, like a...

Rifleman, you going to the party
tonight?

Stuff like that.

And would you look at the Rifleman's
muscles?

Oh, my Lord, they're huge.

You have huge muscles.

What are you benching these days,
Rifleman? What, like 200?

It's got to be 200. 220?

Ow! Come on, Rifleman. What's the
matter, Rifleman?

Don't be so modest, Rifleman. You got
big muscles.

You got big pectorals.

Peck muscles.

Enjoy them, you know? You should be
proud because you are not like... the

of us.

You, my friend, are the Rifleman!

Ha -ha!

Yeah!

Dude.

Rifleman, I'll kick your ass.

If I'm lying, I'm dying. I'm telling
you, this pancake was as big as his

Oh. And the girls with the maple syrup?

Oh, man, Eddie.

Gas up the car and drive me home.

Mr. McAllen?

Oh, wow.

The manager wanted you to enjoy these
complimentary hors d 'oeuvres.

Look at that.

He was a big fan of the Stuckyville
Toreadors back when you led them to the

state championship.

Isn't that nice?

You tell him if he needs a football sign
for his kid or something, you just let

me know.

Okay.

Look at that. They even remember my good
old number nine. Those guys.

That was kind of funny.

Well, here goes.

You just ate dog food.

You just ate dog food, my friend. This
man here just ate dog food. You just ate

dog food. How does that feel, Mr.
Quarterback? It's people.

Ed. Yes, sir.

You ate dog food. What is this all
about? I think my man Troy here knows

this is about.

I don't think I do.

Oh, come on, Troy.

You're trying to tell me you don't
remember the time you and your goons

down in high school, made me eat a can
of dog food? I did that.

He made you eat dog food? That's right.

Boy, those were the good old days.

Do you remember the time we played
Midnight Marco Polo in Stephanie O

pool? And Godfrey comes out butt naked,
screaming, For the love of God, I need

fam!

Oh. Those were the days.

How many times in our lives have we sat
here?

Plenty.

We really were the king and the queen
back then, weren't we?

Yeah. I guess we were.

Funny.

Out there in the world, I got a great
wife, I got great kids, a good job.

It didn't turn out pretty much the way I
wanted it to.

Yet there's something about those four
years in high school.

All those sweet, sweet memories.

And I realized no matter what I do, I'll
never be happier than I was back then.

You ever feel that way?

I should be heading back.

Yeah.

Do you remember the time Frank Cacuzzi
drove to school on his old man's power

mower? God, that guy was hilarious.

He had a shirt on his head like a
bandana and he was singing Georgie Girl.

I mean, why Georgie Girl? Why not Eye of
the Tiger and the Star Spangled Banner?

Georgie, girl.

I just don't feel like my parents
understand me.

They're listening to you, but they're
not hearing you.

Exactly. Phil, should you not be at the
shoe counter?

Bosco, I'm helping the young people.

Oh, lucky them.

Hi.

Hey, Carol, how are you? I was just on
my way home. I wanted to find out if the

big bowling party was a success. Yeah,
solid gold.

Hey, how'd things finish up with big
Troy McCallum?

I kind of feel sorry for him. Yeah, I
know what you mean.

I was still looking forward to my little
juvenile dog food revenge, and then

suddenly I realized, what's the point,
you know?

Ed? Yeah?

If I had to do it all over again, I
would go out with you instead of Troy

McCallum.

Really?

I just wanted to say goodbye.

Hey, are you leaving?

I was just going to come over there.

I'm going to take off.

Oh, maybe we could grab a bite or...
Actually, a couple of us are going to

over to Mark Vanderflip's house.

Oh, really?

Oh, cool. So I could maybe stop by and
meet you guys there and hang.

Yeah, you know, it's not really my
party, so I don't know if I can, you

Right.

Oh, okay, I see. I get it.

That's cool, cool.

Cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Some guys are losers, but I invent whole
new ways of being a loser.

I should be voted into the loser hall of
fame.

Now, Warren, do you have any idea what
you did here tonight?

You did something that I never had the
gut to do when I was your age.

You seized the day.

You stood up. You took your shot.

You can sleep easy tonight, my man. No
regrets.

What's the point?

What's the point?

Tim Cooper is an overdeveloped jackass.

Tim Cooper is a self -centered thug.

But at the end of the day, who does
Jessica Martel leave the party with?

Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Cooper, because girls like Jessica
Martel, they always leave the party with

like Tim Cooper.

Warren, but there's one detail you got
wrong there.

This isn't the end of the day.

Why is it then?

It's just the first half.

Guys like Tim Cooper, they always win
the first half.

What happens in the second half?

In the second half, Tim Cooper winds up
selling pharmaceuticals, spending all

his time thinking back on how great high
school was.

What about me? What happened to me?

You get the girl.