All language subtitles for Craig Ferguson Presents Hobo Fabulous s01e06 Dying Jokes.eng

This might be a two Coca -Cola night.

Oh, yeah.

You think?

It's Monday night.

Well, it's funny, it's Monday night, but
I'm like in the daze of what day it is.

Well, that's what happens with touring,
though. You don't know what day it is,

you don't know where you are. Unless
there's a caption in front of me when

on stage, I don't know what show I'm
doing.

I went off famous people, I went off
famous people. I've noticed that the

people I seem to hate the most these
days are young male comedians.

I cannot think why.

I do, they fucking piss me off. They'll
fuck five minutes on YouTube and call

yourself a fucking comedian. Really,
motherfucker?

What about an hour and a half in
Ridgefield on a fucking Monday?

On a Monday!

Previously on Hobo Fabulous. The
punchline of the joke is, what are you

about? The first time he tried it, he
was sick. The second time, his hat blew

off.

First time I tried it, I was sick. The
second time, my hat blew off.

Oh, you're my favorite audience I've
ever had.

First time he tried it, he was sick.
Second time, his hat blew off.

The mask doing the sound check tonight.
Look at that.

How about, how funny is that guy?

I think the darkness and the
ridiculousness of our lives

is It's so... It can be

such a grind.

Hey, quick question, Craig.

Do you want to go to New York tonight or
maybe go tomorrow?

To be honest, I'm not sure how much
longer I'll even do that.

You know, I don't know that I will
continue to do,

you know, to tour and do stand -up or
even perform.

It seems like stand -up and performance,
it takes a lot out on him, and he seems

to be more, you know, relaxed when he's
writing.

No, I don't think Craig should ever...

stop flexing a muscle that he clearly
has.

It's a performance art. It's something
he does. It's something he's very good

at. I don't know if he ever will stop.
He may take a long break from it, but I

don't know if it will ever stop
completely.

That light is all different colors.

It's because you're looking at the
polarity.

I like a pair of tie. Are we good?

Okay. What are we doing?

I have no idea, actually. He and I
worked together on the Today Show for a

And in all the years that I've done
television, and I've worked with

people, 15 years with Regis, 11 years
almost now with Hoda, and they're

magnificent on a yearly basis. But for
the one week that we did, it was... I'm

like that as a lover. Great for a very
short period of time.

I'll take what I can get.

Sadly, we both love your wife.

Did you see the National Enquirer? Are
we having an affair?

Oh, my God. I wish.

Oh, man. All right. I love you, big boy.
I love you, too. All right. Get out of

my dressing room. I'm getting out. I
can't stay because you're not that

All right. I love you. I love you, too,
baby.

So I've found a way of getting rid of
it.

Of getting rid of envy and jealousy in
my body. And if you suffer from that

I do, here's what you have to do if
you're jealous of someone.

Be happy for them.

I don't like it any more than you do.

Sometimes you have to do hateful,
horrible shit in order to protect

Which leads me to a story.

This story takes place in the 1980s when
I lived in New York City when I was in

my 20s as a young kid. I like the people
of New York. I like the way people in

New York are all like stereotypes of
people in New York.

Everybody looks like they're kind of an
extra in a movie about New York. And I

kind of like that. All the stereotypes
are right there. You get the fat mafia

guy with the see -through socks and the
half -eaten cigar.

Hey, how are you doing? Piddly, piddly,
ping and all that stuff.

Hey, wiki -deki -doo.

I don't know.

I don't speak a lot of Italian.

You know what I'm talking about.

Calzone, Frankie, Carmine, all that
stuff.

You get all these different types in New
York. You get those guys. You get the

weird Upper West Side movie directors.
This is my wife. She's also my daughter.

You get all those different types.

So I was living in New York, and I
remember it being a good time all the

which is ridiculous. Nothing is a good
time all the time, except, of course,

Disneyland.

I have to say that for legal reasons.

You can't badmouth Disney.

You cannot. They have people everywhere.

There'll be one or two in here tonight.
I can feel it.

I'll tweet this out, motherfucker.

You're Scrooge McFucked.

I say, you know what? I don't like
Disneyland. I don't care for Disneyland

all. I don't like it. It freaks me out.
Every time I go there, I feel

claustrophobic and things get too close
to my face. And then if I eat anything,

I feel sick.

It's exactly like a strip club.

I would imagine.

So I was living in New York and I
remember, you know, I was working very,

hard at the time. I had an informal
immigration status.

Fucking definitely don't tweet that. It
is not the time.

And so because of that, I had two jobs.
I was working uptown on a construction

site in Harlem during the day, and then
at night I worked security in a

nightclub. So I had two jobs, but
luckily I had a huge cocaine habit, so

would keep me going around.

The circle of life.

And I was kind of getting burnt out, and
I got a phone call one day from my

Uncle James. Remember my Uncle James I
told you about? He lives in Long Island.

My Uncle James and my Aunt Susan.
They've been together since they were

My Uncle James is 82 now. He is still
cool.

He's still cool. He drinks whiskey every
day, smokes Marlboro Red, likes to bust

my balls about what I'm eating.

You still not eating the gluten there,
Greg?

Is that right?

Got to be careful with the gluten, son.
That shit will kill you.

works again. If you're the vegan, the
man puts his penis in your ass. Is that

how it works?

You know, family stuff.

So, Uncle James, he's a funny, cool guy
now, but he was even cooler in the 1980s

when he was in his 40s. So he calls me
up one day and he said, Greg, you're

getting a little burnt out down there.
there in the city i said yeah he said

right well good news my friend big davy
who is also from scotland has bought a

boat and we're all going out this
weekend on the boat it's going to be me

your aunt susan and big davy and his
wife mrs big davy so why don't you come

and bring up your first wife that you
never talk about in stand -up bring her

your first wife, and we'll all go out.
He didn't say first wife, but he kind of

thought it.

So that weekend, Anne and I went up, we
took the train out of Manhattan, went to

Long Island, and we get off at the train
station, and my Uncle James and my Aunt

Susan were waiting for us. My Aunt Susan
is a Scottish woman, so the words that

she says might not match what she's
actually telling you.

So I said to my Aunt Susan,

what's Big Davey like, Aunt Susan?

And she said, oh, he's a lovely person.

Which meant, of course, he was a
morbidly obese alcoholic.

And we get to the dock, and I was right,
he was right there. Big Davey was a

big, heavy man, covered in body hair,
very, very red, clearly enjoyed getting

fucked up.

And his wife was there, Mrs. Big Davey,
she had a similar thing going on, and...

I was thinking, I wonder how big this
boat is. But we get to the boat, and

okay. We get on the boat. It's one of
those cabin cruisery things you see on

Long Island Sound all the time. And we
get on the boat, and we're Scottish

people. It was a beautiful day. The sea
is like glass. The sky is blue.

Scottish people on a boat. We're like,
Scotland!

And I go to give Big Davey a beer. I
say, there's a beer, Big Davey. And Big

Davey said, no thanks, I'm an alcoholic.

I said, well, then you really need a
beer.

And he said, no, no, I'm an alcoholic.

I've decided to stop drinking.

This is my first day.

That's what he said.

It was his first day.

I know. I never really thought about it
at the time, but I look back on it now.

My first day not drinking, I was in a
locked facility.

Receiving emotional support from the law
enforcement community.

Thanks, cops.

But wait, this... poor fucker's out on a
boat he's out on a boat trying not to

drink with five other people who are
really trying not to ever stop drinking

he's like holding on to the fucking
wheel of the boat we find this little

and we thought well let's go to this
little island and we thought well let's

ashore and have a little picnic but we
couldn't get the boat all the way up

because it was too shallow so Davey had
to ferry people across on a little

dinghy So he takes his wife across
first, then he comes back to the boat,

takes across Anne and my Aunt Susan,
then he comes back for me and my Uncle

James. My Uncle James did a thing which
I think should have him in the Guinness

Book of Records. He goes from one boat
to another boat with his drink, never

spills anything, cigarette still lit,
and he gets from one boat to another

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good times, son.

So he's sitting up at the front of the
boat and I get in at the middle of the

boat and then Big Davey gets to the back
of the boat where the engine is and the

boat goes like that.

And we start going towards the island.
And I'm talking, looking up at my Uncle

James.

And I realize I'm looking at my Uncle
James.

And he's level across from me and he's
still drinking. He hasn't stopped

drinking. The cigarette is still lit.
But now he's giggling and treading

And the fucking boat sunk.

The fucking boat sunk. You can't make
this show, man.

And I had the thingy was going down like
that, like the end of Titanic. I was

like, ah!

The war was coming up like that. And I
was like, actually, it's not that bad.

was fine. It was kind of funny. And my
uncle was drinking and smoking.

And then Davey made an announcement,
which I feel he should have brought up

earlier. Davey said, ah, I can't swim!

And this is when doing something
horrible to protect yourself comes in.

even if I hadn't seen the PSAs or
anything like that, you know

when you see a 350 -pound man on his
first day sober splashing around in the

water, not being able to swim and drown,
and if you go near that fucker, he's

going to take you both to the bottom of
the briny.

So I was like, he's like, help me,
Craig, help me, I can't swim. I was

But he was

really proper.

I realize this looks like I'm performing
oral sex, but you know what I'm saying.

I love you, baby.

Maybe it's my technique. I don't know.

He's like, ah, it's no fun watching
Shrek die. It's frightening.

And I was like, ah.

And he's drowning. And my Uncle James
said, I think you better start swimming,

Davey.

He said, I never learned to swim.

My Uncle James said, today's the fucking
day, Davey.

Am I right, Craig? Today's the day.

He's going to have to learn to swim. I'm
telling him.

You're going to have to learn to swim. I
can't swim.

don't fucking swim, Dave.

I was like, I don't know what the fuck's
going on.

And then my uncle James, who's very cool
and very clever, he said to Davey, he

said, Davey, can I ask you a question
before you drown?

She's like, what the fuck?

I said, I just want to ask you a
question, Davey.

Are you going to let water kill you?

I said, what? He said, water, Davey.
When I tell people back in Scotland you

were killed by water, they're going to
think you were a pussy.

won't even put that shit in my whiskey.

He was like, you fucking asshole.

And he's kind of clad him towards him
and trying to fuck him up. And it sort

made him swim a little bit, which was
clever. So we got him close to the boat

and then we grabbed him and we got him
on the boat and we washed him down like

big manatee and we saved him. He did not
die. My Uncle James saved him with

bullshit power.

We did decide to cancel the rest of the
picnic and just go home.

It puts a kind of dampener on the day
when you look a man in the eyes when

dying and go...

Davey

made a decision, though, back on the
boat, which I think was the wise one. He

decided he was going to stop drinking
the following day.

We all learned some things on the boat
that day. I learned some very valuable

life lessons on the boat that day.

One, never go on a boat with an
alcoholic on his first day sober.

Two, don't buy a boat unless you can
swim.

And three, if one of us has to drown,
it's you.

We should never have been on that boat
anyway.

Davey was a terrible sailor.

First time he tried it, he was sick. The
second time, his heart blew.

That's it.

We're done.

I would say you seem to me to be the
happiest I've ever seen you and enjoying

yourself in the act more.

Is it ironic in a way that then...

When you're there, you finally feel like
you might not need it or you don't want

it? Yeah. Is there a connection to that?
I think that is true. I think that

there is a certain irony to it. I
finally feel like I can do it the way I

kind of wanted to be able to do it, and
now I don't want to do it.

But that seems about right.

You know, since you're coming up on
retirement, are you happy with the

you made to do this?

Or are you conflicted or neither happy
nor sad? No, I'm happy because I never

could have seen or been to the places
that I've been to any other way, not

really. Not as many places, you know.

You can save your money all year to come
see New York City.

You know, anyone can do that. But I've
been to New York City many times.

And I couldn't have done it without this
job.

I feel fulfilled.

I feel...

I've done this gig long enough to walk
away, be able to step away and say,

I did all I could, and I'm happy with
that.

But you think you'll be content not
doing this, at least for a

while? Yeah, for a long time.

Yeah? Yeah, for a long time.

I'm done.

I had a good time doing this tour. I
enjoyed it.

I like doing it. It's always nice to see
you, Joey.

But, yeah, I'm done.

I mean, you and Tomas can come visit in
Scotland if you want, but I don't want

to do any.

I don't want to do any more.

Thanks, everybody.

I'll see you next time.

Good night, good night, good night.

Thanks, guys.

And so I don't imagine that I will tour
anymore after this. I mean, you never

say never, I suppose, but I can't see
it.

I'm done and people say, oh, you'd miss
what? Miss what? The Doubletree?

You know, the bus?

What is it like, Tomas and Joe and
Ronnie? I mean, fuck off.

I could be at home.

So, I don't think so. And now that I'm
living in Scotland again, I really don't

like... Going away because I don't know
if you know that, but Scotland's a

fantastic place.

I used to think Scotland was, you know,
a dark, angry place full of rage and

despair.

But it's not. And it never was. It was
me.

I was a dark, angry person full of rage
and despair.

And now I'm not. So I don't want to
leave anymore. I feel like I might owe

Scotland an apology.

Ronnie. Now, what we're going to do is
we're going to pop out.

Just pop out. Okay. On the butt. Release
the Kraken, Ronnie.

Alright, go.

Check that. Check this out.

What the hell?

What the hell?

Goodbye.

It's like the end of Titanic.

Near, far, wherever you are. Oh, you
can't sing it. Sorry. Near, far, or

to that effect.

Yeah. Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Look at that!

Oh, hell yes!

What the fuck? Did I get the $100?

You get the $100!

Where's the thang? I think I threw out
the rest of the thangs now.

No, no, they're around somewhere.

The earbud! I lost my earbud and I gave
a $100 reward.

$100 reward, because it was $175 for,
I'd say, earbuds.

So I gave a $100 reward, and Adam won
the $100.

Well done.

That's exciting.

Well, we got the end of our period.
Yeah, that's like the big thing.

The big thing at the end.

Oh, that's the season one cliffhanger.
Were they ever going to find it?

Oh, that's a huge... And they did.

That's congratulations. Did you see
episode six? They found the earbud.

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