Original subtitles

I think that's a way to make yourself very sad.

You know, you're that old tears of a clown thing.

You know,

performers that can't switch off.

I don't think I have that. Talk to Megan. Maybe I do live like that, but I

think so.

No, I don't think Craig is one of those performers that can't switch off. He's

different at home than he is on stage, and, you know, happily so. I think

that... To have somebody who's on all the time would be exhausting.

So do you think the expression tears of a clown applies to Craig?

I think that's a revolting phrase, tears of a clown.

And I'm sad you've said it.

Clowns are creepy, but I didn't marry a clown. I married a stand -up, which is

much creepier.

I totally think my dad's different offstage and onstage. It's two

different people.

I will say that I'm glad I have the offstage dad as my dad, that's for sure.

No offense to the onstage dad, it's just that's a lot to take in.

I don't have a sense of joke. I don't like jokes.

It's impossible for me to laugh. Ha, ha, ha.

If I stop touring, it's not because I don't want to perform, it's because I

don't want to travel.

If I could find a way of getting everybody to travel to see me...

But then I wouldn't want that because I'd be like, what are you all doing

This is where I live.

You know who I really wanted to be? The model of masculinity for me, the guy who

I wanted to be more than anyone else, was actually Kurt Russell. That was the

one I wanted to be. Fucking awesome, Kurt Russell. To this day, he's awesome.

He's got a new movie out on Netflix where he plays Santa.

Yeah, and this is how cool Kurt Russell is. It's not that bad.

How much money do you think Netflix had to give Kurt fucking Russell?

Hey, Kurt, will you please stand up? Fuck off!

It's a patrillion dollars.

Ho, ho, ho.

He's awesome, Kurt Russell. He's fucking fantastic. You know that Kurt Russell

has worn an eye patch in three movies?

That is statistically impossible.

You can't do that.

I think he just wears an eyepatch. When he feels like it, the director's like,

yeah, this is a romantic comedy. I'm wearing a fucking eyepatch.

You're playing Santa.

Santa's got a sore eye.

I always loved Kurt Russell. I always thought he was fantastic.

And then I met him when I was doing the late night show and we became friends.

Fuck it, yeah, he's not here. Yeah, I'm friends with Kurt Russell.

Me and Kurt are best friends.

I'm quite friendly with him. It was kind of weird. I was excited to meet him

when he was on the show because, you know, don't meet your heroes kind of

But he was great. He's very alpha, though. You've got to be careful. When

came on the show, I had to do that thing that little dog does when he meets a

big dog.

He's like, hey, Kurt, here's my tummy.

As you can see, I'm completely non -threatening in every way.

Yeah, all right.

He was awesome when I got talking to him.

And, you know, we were just talking about things that he liked. And he said,

well, what he likes most in the world, there's three things that he liked. He

said, I like Goldie Hawn, which makes sense, I suppose.

And he said, I like acting. Well, I said, I don't really like acting, but it

pays good money.

I'm like, not in my experience, Kurt Russell.

And he said, but what he really lives for and how he would describe himself,

this is true, he doesn't think he's an actor, he's an aviator.

Kurt Russell is an aviator. What he likes to do is fly airplanes.

He gets into dangerous little small airplanes and flies them into bad

wearing an iPad.

And he comes by, honestly, he's the grandson of Bud Russell, who was a great

American pioneer of aviation. He was a contemporary of Lindbergh and the Wright

Brothers. I mean, it's in his blood and he's great at it. He loves flying

airplanes. So we were talking and I said to him, well, I couldn't do that, Kurt

Russell.

I'm frightened of flying, because I was at the time. And he said, you're not

frightened of flying.

I said, I am.

He said, no, you're not.

I said, I think I know my own mind, Kurt Russell.

He said, you're not frightened of flying.

You just don't know enough about it.

You need a flying lesson.

I was like, I absolutely do not need a flying lesson.

Thank you, Kurt Russell. And I threw to a commercial break, didn't think any

more about it. That was on the Wednesday.

Saturday of that week, I kid you not, a fucking guy comes to my house. Hi, Kurt

Russell sent me to take you for your flying lesson.

I'm like, what?

Yeah, you've been set up at Van Nuys Airport. Van Nuys Airport in California

this old airport in a flying school. He said, yeah, Bob, a friend of Kurt's, is

going to teach you. This is a great honor. Bob is our best instructor. Bob's

going to teach you how to fly.

I'm like, are you fucking crazy?

Don't you even know where I live? And I said to my wife, do you know anything

about this? And she went, oh yeah, surprise.

I was

talking

to a bunch of people that were coming to your show last night about why they're

fans of yours and what they like about your stand -up. He's funny. I just think

he's raw, he's honest, and he is just so funny.

He never fails to make me laugh.

Just an award -winning personality. He's a down -to -earth guy.

It's just like I'm kind of a bizarre guy, and it resonates with bizarre humor

that I like.

Everything that comes out of his mouth is hilarious.

Yeah, I'm not for everybody, but I am for them. That thing I say in the show

about making stand -up for people that come and see me, that's true.

I would never go on a stage.

and not try 100%. Every night. Every night. Even if I'm, like, tired or shit,

don't fucking phone it in. I never phone it in.

But sometimes the audience does.

But I don't.

So I go in this car. I get in the car, and I go to Van Nuys Airport where I

Bob, my flying instructor.

Bob is 350 pounds and covered in body hair. His hair is crinkly under... I can

hear it crinkling under his pilot shirt.

Sounds like someone's opening a brown paper package all the time.

He's a big, big guy, Bob. A big, musky guy. I suspect lives alone. He's going

teach me how to fly. Bob, I kid you not, has a fucking iPad.

I'm like, wait a minute, wait a minute. Doesn't that get in the way when you're

flying? He said, ha ha, take it off for landing. Ha ha ha.

And he said, Kurt, Kurt got it. touch with me. I've got to teach you how to

I love your show.

I said, thanks very much. You're a funny guy. He said, thanks very much. He

said, are you looking forward to this? I said, no, I really don't want to do

this, actually.

He said, ha ha, you're a funny guy. Get in the plane.

So when we get into this plane, it was a Cessna 172.

If you don't know the Cessna 172, it's not a huge plane. It's like a smart car

with a surfboard tied to the top of it.

It's not an overpowered machine. So I get in the plane with Bob and I'm stuck

next to Bob.

It's either I can smell my own fear or I can just flat out smell Bob.

And he said, you ready for this?

And I'm like, no, I really don't want to do this. Ha ha ha, you're a funny guy.

And he guns the engine of the underpowered mighty Cessna 172 and the

along the runway like this.

And we take off, we float around in the Santa Ana winds for about an hour,

bumping and turbulence and stuff. I was really shit in my pants, terrified.

And then we landed and he said, did you enjoy that?

I said, no, I fucking hated it. It was terrible.

He went, ha ha, you're a funny guy.

Do you want to book another lesson?

And I said, yeah.

Yeah, I do.

Now let me explain why.

I'm an alcoholic.

Now, If you don't know what that is, fuck it, you live in Boston. You fucking

know what that is.

You either are one, you're married to one, or you were raised by one. You

fucking know what I'm talking about.

All right?

All right, so I'm an alcoholic.

Now, as you know, you've probably bumped into alcoholics who've stopped

drinking, like me. They stop drinking, but they're still fucking assholes. They

just are assholes who don't drink anymore, and I'm one of those.

And I've got this alcoholic mindset, which is...

I don't like something, but if I keep doing it, I might like it, and there

be pleasure in it for me.

And alcoholics are all about pleasure.

I've taken 30 acid trips.

I hated every single fucking one of them.

But you can't be too careful.

So I start taking these flying lessons. I was taking about eight flying lessons,

and after about eight flying lessons, I was like, wait, I'm not terrified of

this. I'm cool.

I get in airplanes and just fucking flying them around.

And it's awesome. And now I have a pilot's license and I fly little

around. In bad weather.

Where did I go?

Kurt Russell did that for me.

So any kind of behavior that I get up to is nothing.

I feel like I'm an easy gig for Tomas.

Also, you know, he's from the Carpathian Mountains. He sleeps in a casket with

the soil of his native land.

Has he changed the way your tour ends? Yeah, he does. I mean, the tour... When

used to tour, I used to have...

planes and like I had a plane you know we had planes and there was like five

guys on stage and it was like a whole thing and it was very expensive and

was like we don't have to do this and we just got a bus we

could just go from town to town so I feel like the act I started touring on

with him

It was very frantic, very full of energy, walking around on the stage.

This one, I feel like he moved to Scotland.

I feel like he is getting back to his roots and forgetting about the famous

life, the TV life, and the fake life, in a way.

And I think it shows in the act.

He tries to enjoy it more.

I feel.

I feel like if Tomas had his way, we would go from town to town on horseback.

One horse? One horse, yeah.

I'd sit up the front, I hope.

I fell in love with aviation because it's the opposite of show business, and

think that's what really attracted it to me. Because show business is bullshit,

and aviation is 100 % rational and truthful.

Like, in show business, you bullshit to get the job, and you bullshit to keep

the job.

You know, the, oh, sure, I can ride a horse. Give me the part of the cowboy. I

can do it.

Sure, I can host a late night show. Just give me the suit.

Sure, I can run the country. Make me president. It'll be fine.

Oh, hold on, hold on.

I don't mean anyone in particular.

So... So... But, you know,

aviation is different. You bullshit in aviation, you die.

First time.

Do you know how to land this plane?

No.

There's so many lessons for humans.

In aviation, in the science of aviation, it's very important, I think. It goes

all the way back to the initial Greek myth of Daedalus and Icarus, the first

aviation myth. You know the story, Daedalus and Icarus. If you don't know,

briefly, it's the father -son team that make their own flying machines back in

the days of ancient Greece. They make these flying machines, sort of hang

things, made out of bird feathers and wax.

No one knows how to do that anymore. You try and do that now, you'll just end up

making a fabulous outfit.

But Daedalus and Icarus, and the story is that Daedalus is the father and the

more experienced one, and Icarus is the little dick with an Instagram account.

He's like... And Daedalus says to Icarus, he says, Careful,

Icarus.

Because a lot of the ancient Greeks were from Britain.

Anyway, Daedalus and Icarus.

So Daedalus says to Icarus, he says, Careful, Icarus.

Do not fly your flying machine too close to the sun, for the heat of the sun

will melt the wax, and the feathers will fall out, and you will crash and die.

But Icarus doesn't listen.

Icarus is on Instagram.

Icarus needs to take a selfie at high altitude for his followers.

So he goes to, and the story goes, of course, the sun melts the wax, and

crashes and dies.

But except that's bullshit.

Because anyone who knows anything about aviation knows the higher you go, the

colder it gets. That's how you measure altitude, you dozy fuckers.

What I'm saying is, I suppose, young people, I think what we can take from

myth is that old people are full of shit and they don't know anything.

Don't listen to them. They're making it up.

They don't know anything better than you.

They just have dry skin and have to go to the bathroom a lot. That's how many

records.

I watched his very first show.

And I can remember when it was a couple of years back.

And I talked to him after the show on the bus. And I said, you know, I watched

your show last night and I didn't watch it for the for the comedy.

I said I watched how you carried yourself on the stage because to

watch what he's doing and to listen to his comedy is two different things.

And I could see the.

Not trying to give him the big head, but I'm just saying I could see his

professionalism. I could see, like, if I'm doing my job right, you guys

think it's easy. If I can make it look easy, then I'm doing my job right.

Because if I don't make it look easy, then I'll worry you about, well, is

a very good driver? So if I make it look easy, then I've done my job right.

Craig's the same way, only his is so much harder. Can you imagine trying to

people laugh?

You think it's easy to make people laugh, but no, it can't be.

You know, it's got to be, you know, you've got to have your stuff together.

Ronnie is an

excellent driver, and he's an interesting man, and a nice man, and a

So much so that if Ronnie's not available to do a tour, I won't go until

ready to go.

No, I fell out of love with show business. It was because I did Late

long, I think. I fell out of love with show business. I fucking hate show

business. I'm a fucking stupid asshole. I think we have an unhealthy

relationship with show business in America, frankly. I do. And we deify

people, and I've met them, and they're, with the exception of Kurt Russell,

almost universally douchebags.

And I don't know why we do it. And I think the reason why we deify these

is because we don't have a royal family.

So we make a kind of ersatz royal family. Elvis was the king. John Wayne

duke. Michael Jackson was the king of pop.

Beyonce is Queen Bee. Lady Gaga. Count Chocula. It goes on.

come to America to get another royal family. I'm not a royalist. I came here

get away from all that royal shit. I don't like the way that British people

always banging on about how great Her Majesty the Queen is. Like, isn't Her

Majesty marvellous? She's marvellous. Do you know, she's 94.

We've got old ladies in America too, pal.

You go to Florida, you'll shit your pants.

the only one.

I don't think British people are actually that into the royal family. I

what it is is they pretend to be into the royal family because the royals are

charge of giving out knighthoods. And everybody wants a knighthood. Everybody

wants to be touched on the shoulders with a magical sword.

Ten points to Gryffindor.

Prince Charles touches you with a magical sword, which has to be blunted,

know, because it's Prince Charles.

Oh, what's this? Is this a telephone? I'll call mummy. Oh, I stabbed my eye.

Oh, I'm stabbing myself. I'm an inbred fucking hillbilly with a crown.

Now, if you can't see that in Boston, where the fuck can you see it?

There goes my knighthood.

But you know what the thing is? I think knighthood's going to freak me out. The

most recent one really bothered me. There's a knighthood that's just

and I'm very upset about it.

Ringo Starr just became a knight.

Now, listen, don't get me wrong.

Ringo is tenured. He's a Beatle. Nothing derogatory will be said about Ringo

Starr. I love Ringo Starr. He's a Beatle, for God's sake. But he's not

Starr anymore.

Ringo Starr sounds cool, but he's not Ringo Starr. He's Sir Ringo now.

Sir Ringo sounds like a monkey.

Oh, what's Sir Ringo doing? He's throwing his poop at the children.

Ringo Starr was up, but Ringo Starr was famous when being famous meant

something. You could actually have to do something to be famous, like being a

band. Not just have somebody on the internet pee on you. You had to actually

something.

Oh, hey, I made it up? Oh yeah, I made it up.

He invented a scenario that doesn't exist. Fuck you.

I love Ringo Starr. He used to go to Studio 54 and all that kind of stuff

famous people were cool, snorting cocaine off of little people's heads.

He did that. He did that. In Studio 54, they used to have bald little people.

Don't say it. Don't say it. I'm not going to say it.

That was a job in the 1970s if you were little.

You could shave your head and get a job.

That's outrageous. It's terrible.

I don't think it's good enough. Did you just get a new job?

Yeah, I don't really want to talk about it, man.

It's too much, isn't it? No, sorry.

Sorry. I know, sorry. We can cut that out.

Yeah, I don't want to talk about it But that's my that was my favorite show and

that is the one that I think you should concentrate on for the meat of it

because I feel like it has energy and fun and it's kind of naughty and

I think being away from your family is hard, and I don't like it.

And if I stop doing it, and I think I probably am going to stop doing it, I

don't know that I'll tour much after this. I don't know if I'll tour at all

after this, actually.

Maybe do a couple of gigs here and there, but a big tour like this, I think

done with that.

It's coming off a great show. You still feel that way? Yeah, yeah, I think so. I

think that, you know, look, this has been a good tour. We've been all over.

We should have in this series a map with a line that shows all the... We've been

everywhere. We've been from San Diego to Bath, right? We've been all across

America and Canada too.

I don't know that I want to keep doing it.

Maybe this is enough. Maybe this one's been enough. It's been a good one and

it's a nice one to kind of get done with, but I don't feel the need to do it

anymore. I might feel that in a few years, but I don't think so.

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