Original subtitles

Previously, on Hobo Fabulous. The punchline of the joke is, what are you

about? The first time he tried it, he was sick. The second time, his hat blew

off. Hey ladies, do you like Hooba Stank? The first time he tried it, he

sick. The second time, his hat blew off.

Hey ladies, do you like Hooba Stank? The first time he tried it, he was sick.

The second time, his hat blew off.

Sealing and Stank is very different, of course.

What involves hoisting the mast and hoping the wind breaks to your

Hoisting the mast and hoping the wind breaks to your advantage?

I didn't even touch it! I didn't even touch it!

Bon

appétit

tomorrow morning, everybody.

I did my first stand -up special here, in this theater.

In this room, though. I didn't have a big eye, so we did it in this room. It

me, half a dozen people.

Yeah, I didn't fill it, no. But it looked full from the stage, which was

A wee bit of revolution. It was before I became an American citizen, I think.

Wow. Yeah.

You used this for proof to get the citizenship? You'd submit a change?

I did a stand -up special in Boston.

And they're like, okay, okay.

Well, you just have to answer a few questions.

Do you like gum? Yes. Do you hate Al -Qaeda? Yes. Okay, congratulations.

an American citizen.

I went to go and work in a factory. It was all men working in the factory. All

Scottish men.

Men working in a factory. Walking around making machines. All Scottish men.

Naked from the waist down.

Oh, girls, do you like Hoobastank? All that stuff.

It's all manly. You know, my boss at the time, this is true.

My boss at the time was a guy who had the most Scottish name I have ever heard

of in my life.

His name was, and I'm not kidding, Willie Macbeth.

Like, I'm Scottish, I think that's a bit too Scottish.

Willie Macbeth.

Sounds like a Shakespearean porn site.

Willie Macbeth.

There's got to be other ones, hang on.

Peanut Hamlet, obviously.

Romy Ho and Julie Wett.

A Midsummer Night's Cream.

Fuck you.

Two gentlemen of Verona? All right, that's enough.

Anyway,

I was working in this factory. It was all men, all the women around. It was

manly men all walking around, making machines. The women were all off in the

distance. They worked in offices.

They were figures of romance and desire, but they worked in the offices off in

the distance.

Occasionally, one of the men would wolf whistle at one of the women.

By the way, I was brought up to believe, I didn't know that wolf whistling was

objectification and made women uncomfortable. I was told, I was

elders. You know, if a man wolf whistled at a woman, it was a compliment to the

woman. I didn't know there was anything wrong with it. And neither did these

guys, so occasionally they would like, whoo -hoo, to a woman over there.

Obviously I didn't do it, but they... I can't fucking whistle, all right?

Just like a wolf can't now when I think about it.

If a wolf wanted to get a woman's attention, he'd be like...

But you can't do that to a woman. She might think you're a ghost.

I feel we're getting off the subject. So look, the women were all over there and

the men all worked together.

But one of the women I remember, oh, she was beautiful. She was gorgeous.

The Sophia Loren of Scotland in 1979. A beautiful woman. Big Margaret her name

was. I don't know if that was her Christian name. I don't know if she was

christened Big Margaret.

I named this child Big Margaret.

She's just a little baby.

I'm optimistic.

Margaret was beautiful. Big Margaret. She was gorgeous. She was a big woman. A

lot of presence. A lot of curves.

Sensual woman.

She was like a cross between Dolly Parton and Shrek.

She was like a beautiful woman.

And she was 1979, so she'd wear a little nylon jacket, a little tight nylon

jacket, a nylon blouse, a little nylon skirt, and nylon nylons, and a lot of

petrochemical products in her hair, and a lot of makeup.

She was a highly flammable individual, is what I'm saying.

One spark, the whole place would have gone up. She was beautiful, though. She

used to wear these high -heeled Mary Jane shoes, and her foot fat used to

through the gap.

Oh, it was dead sexy. It was fucking awesome.

She used to say, oh, did you see Big Margaret's foot tits this morning?

She was gorgeous. Now, listen, don't get me wrong. No one would ever say that in

front of Big Margaret. No one ever made Margaret uncomfortable.

Everyone was completely, these guys weren't dicks. They were, you know, they

were respectful. Whenever Margaret was around, they'd be like, oh, yes,

Margaret, absolutely. We'll get that done. No problem at all. No one would

say anything like that when she was there. But the minute she was out of

earshot, the men would always say the same thing.

Oh, Big Margaret.

They would always say, I'd show her a good time.

I would show her a good time.

I was 17, I was like, how could you show her a good time? You don't even know

what her interests are.

So I did not lose my virginity to Big Margaret.

Fucking thought about it though, often.

Still do from time to time, if I might.

Craig's virginity story is, I think, one of the funniest stories in the entire

stand -up. It is so genuine and honest and funny and sad.

So sad.

But that one has made... When he told me that the first time... I called my

mother to tell her his virginity story, and she was weeping down the phone with

laughter. It's hysterical.

So it doesn't bother you in any kind of way?

Oh, gosh, it doesn't bother me at all. Everybody has their lives that they

Anyway, what happened was, at the end of the first year of working in the

factory, it was me and three other apprentices, four young apprentices

in the factory, 17 -year -old boys, and we made enough money to go on our first

vacation away from our parents together.

And the four kids, we went away to Scarborough, in the north of England.

Scarborough, it's like a little seaside town, unspecial, it's just a little

town, and we went there, and we didn't have much money, so we had to stay in

what's called a boarding house.

If you don't know what a boarding house is, it's a cross between an Airbnb and a

Dickensian orphanage.

And it was run by this horrible old woman. Oh, she was a horrible, nasty old

fascist. She was like, ah, she looked like Mr. Magoo.

And there was four of us, but all we could afford was one room with two

beds in it. And she was like, four lads.

Four lads in one room with two double beds.

You're not gay, are you?

I don't want gays in my house. I will not have gays in my house.

I was looking at her house thinking, you could use a couple of gays in this

house.

This place is a mess.

She thought one of us might be gay, you know.

Fuck off.

Alright, you know what? Fine. Yes, I admit it. Alright?

When I was in my late teens, I experimented sexually.

They ain't fucking hashtag that, you fuckers. I don't care. Yeah, of course.

Look, how else are you going to know if you like something unless you try it?

Am I right? I don't know if I like fish sticks. Well, pop one in your mouth and

see how it goes.

room and you see another man's penis coming towards your face and you think

this is not for me then you're probably not gay i've had this discussion with

gay friends who said well maybe it was the wrong penis and i'm like no i don't

think they vary enough for that to be a factor

that's coming towards your face and you think, now this looks delicious, then

you're probably archaic. Does it really matter anymore? It's the 21st century.

Lighten the fuck up. There's plenty to worry about. Not that. Love all the

people, everybody.

Hashtag love all the people.

You can definitely be that.

So anyway, we said, no, no, no, we're not gay, horrible old lady. And she

four lads, one room, and you're not gay.

He said, no. He said, well, don't be bringing whores to my house.

Do not bring whores to my house.

At 17, I didn't know what a whore was.

I know now, of course.

As I travel around the US telling jokes for money.

Oh, you're the greatest audience I've ever seen. Oh, you're my favorite

audience.

You guys, I don't normally say this, but you guys are really the best, aren't

you?

Worth the ticket price now, right? Am I right?

Yeah, I got a little weird there. I agree. All right. What's it like to hear

your dad talk about sexual stuff?

What does it feel like when any dad talks about sexual stuff? You're like,

doing that.

so it was 1979 it wasn't just a confused time for me sexually apparently but it

was also a confused time for youth culture it was a lot going on punk rock

kind of finished and new wave was kind of coming in but it was all kind of

up and there was still mods and rockers and they were kind of going each other a

bit and there was ska people and there were uh those uh new romantics people

that dressed up as transvestite pirates for some reason it was all

There was only one nightclub in Scarborough, so we all went to this one

nightclub, all the different youth factions.

And I was there one night, and I was out on the dance floor, and I was dancing

by myself.

And that was all right because of the Billy Idol song. I was dancing by

Actually, the big song that summer was the Flock of Seagulls song. You remember

that song?

What was that song?

What was it?

Iran, that's right, Iran.

It was a song about Iran.

They were trying to warn us.

Now, I get it. Iran is very far away.

That made me the stupidest fucking thing I've ever seen.

All right.

All right. Anyway, I was out on the dance floor, and I was just dancing by

myself. I was doing that dance that was becoming popular. You know that dance

that became all the way through the 80s? It was dancing like that for some

reason. It's a dance like some... It's weird.

It was hard to dance like that. First time I tried it I was sick, the second

time my hat blew off.

That was just a little reminder of how fucking good I am.

And suddenly I was aware there was someone dancing next to me.

Like a boy George, but a lady. A little lady boy George. Not a lady boy. A

little lady boy George, but a lady and a little person.

No, we're not a little person.

Look, an average, slightly smaller than average woman dancing next to me.

Like dance, she was dressed as Boy George, but she was Ladyboy, and she was

dancing. I was like, yeah, yeah, dancing. And she was like, yeah, yeah,

dancing. I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm dancing.

She was like... And there was chemistry between us.

And at the end of the song, she said to me, do you want to go outside for a

smoke?

And I was like, it's 1979, we can smoke inside. What's your problem?

She said...

Do you want to go outside for a smoke?

You know what I mean?

And I said, yes.

But I did not know what she meant.

So we went outside and she wrote what we used to call, you kids wouldn't know

about this, but we used to call it a joint.

Three or four cigarette papers, you put them together in a little pattern and

then you make a little tube out of cardboard, it's called a roach, and then

get a real cigarette and you...

Lick the cigarette, you dump the tobacco from the real cigarette into the joint,

then you sprinkle in hashish.

Hashish. I know you kids haven't got the legal marijuana now, but to those of us

that have smoked hashish, your marijuana is decaf.

Oh, this legal marijuana is so strong these days. Really? Because you're still

fucking talking.

Here's high on hashish.

For four hours.

Anyway, we were smoking. there's Hashish joint and she said to me she said do

you want to blow back and I said yes I do but I had no idea what she was

about so what she did is she said bring your mouth close to my mouth I was like

alright then she inhaled the smoke from the joint and then my mouth was open and

she blew the smoke from her mouth into my mouth just like the Dementors in

Potter

the smoke into my mouth and then suddenly she started making out with me.

there was smoke and tongue. Smoke, tongue. I'm vegan.

But she was like...

Don't

get me wrong, I've made out with Scottish girls in alleyways before, but

a very different thing.

You make out with a Scottish girl, you just touch her coat buttons together and

peck.

like those little birds at your grandma's house but this girl was

was much more advanced than me sexually she was very sophisticated and she was

like touching me and everything like I was produce checking to see if my

avocados were fresh and stuff I think at one point she actually shook my ass and

listened to it luckily the wind broke to my advantage

just kind of freaked out. She was, I wasn't ready. So I said to her, I tried

cover my tracks. So I said, I, uh, I don't want to do it outside.

And she said, all right, come to my house tomorrow and we'll do it.

I was like, okay.

So she gave me her address and the following day I went to her house.

She lived a couple of miles outside of Scarborough in a little town called

Filey. She lived in a trailer park in a trailer that she shared with her

parents.

No, it was alright. She told me her parents were on a business trip that

I don't know what business they were in. They lived in a fucking trailer in the

north of England.

They were off mole catching or something that day.

And this is 100 % true. This is what happened. I took the bus out of the

and I got off the bus stop and she was waiting for me at the bus stop.

Mary, her name was. Let's start calling her her name. Her name was Mary. Mary

was waiting at the bus stop. She was still like little lady boy George.

And her friend Jackie was with her as well. Jackie was a much...

taller person, and she had that kind of Rod Stewart haircut.

You know what I'm talking about?

Come on, I've been to Boston before. You fuckers know what I'm talking about.

So she had that Rod Stewart haircut, Jackie. She was an interesting looking

woman as well. She had that kind of mouth that you don't really see anymore.

Even though her mouth was closed, her teeth were so buck that one or two of

were kind of coming out. You don't really see that anymore.

I mean, you see it in Britain a little bit, but you don't see that in America

anymore. Thanks, Obama.

So, and they were waiting for me getting off.

Well, getting off the bus.

They were waiting for me getting off the bus and they were standing there

waiting and they were eating a bag of chips.

Waiting for me. Not American chips, not like crunchy Dorito chips. They were

like British chips. You know, big fat diner fries, hand -cut fries covered in

salt and vinegar and then served in a newspaper.

Well, nowadays it'd be a website, but you know what I mean?

And they were eating these fries and I got off and I was like, oh wow, my first

time's going to be a three -way with fries.

It didn't really play like that. This is exactly what happened.

I get off the bus and we walk to her mum and dad's trailer and then Mary said to

Jackie, I'm not kidding, this is what she said, she said, Jackie, you wait

outside.

I won't be long.

And she gave her the fries and said, I don't eat all of them fries.

Then we go inside the trailer and she closed the door and she just took her

clothes off.

I was like, oh my God.

I'd never seen a naked woman before. I mean, I'd seen photographs of naked

on bits of old newspaper lying around in the street.

That was porn in Scotland in the 1970s.

It was.

But she just took her clothes off and she was naked.

And I was like, oh, and she said, take your clothes off.

And I said, all right, I will.

I took my clothes off and I folded them the way my mum told me at a sleepover.

Fold your jacket, put your shoes under the bed and then put your socks inside

the shoes so that you know where they are when you go to look for them.

She was naked and I was naked.

And I was very happy to be there.

Happy in a way that, to be honest, I don't really get anymore.

Now don't get me wrong, I can still raise a smile, but it's more a kind of

sardonic bittersweet sort of thing.

baby I did not think I'd be impersonating a penis tonight either but

this was when I was 17 and it was like and she

said oh and she looked at me kind of the way she'd been looking at the fries and

she laid down in the bed and she said come on let's do it I said alright so I

leaned over I swear I didn't even touch her and

She was very nice about it, though. She said, oh, that were lovely. Thank you.

She's a very nice girl. It wasn't mean to me at all. Her and Jackie walked me

back to the bus stop.

Actually, we went outside. We put our clothes on and went back outside. And

fries were still warm.

But they walked me back to the bus stop.

And I was thinking, she's probably going to want to get married to me now.

And they were kind, and I got on the bus, and I was driving away, and I kind

felt good about myself, until I looked out of the back window of the bus, and

those girls were laughing at me.

Like, holding on to each other, weeping with laughter.

Like, making little penises out of fries and everything.

They were just falling apart and I felt embarrassed and ashamed

And then when I get back to the rest of the guys I said I showed her a good time

Boston is

kind of it.

I think if there's a home city for me in America. I probably is here I you know

It's a thing made up of Irish and Italian drunks.

It's just perfect for me.

I feel like I'm kind of home.

I feel like the sound of leaf blowers is the new soundtrack of America.

Oh, yeah. I think maybe it's because I lived in Los Angeles for so long, but I

fucking hate leaf blower so much.

You can hear them in the distance.

Yeah, I can all the time. Like, I can hear them even when they're not there.

There are real leaf blowers right now, right? You can hear them?

Can you hear them?

If you can, there's some sort of condition. We used to take these tablets

was a kid. Well,

you know, when I was a teenager.

they were bronchial relief tablets called dodo tablets in scotland and if

took them you didn't really get high but you have this noise excuse me and you

have that noise

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