Original subtitles

What I'm saying is I had terrible acne when I was a kid. When I was 13 years

old, I had terrible acne. Some of my bits I can remember now, 40 years later.

I still remember them by name, some of them.

They had names, one in particular I remember, the Daisy Henderson.

It was named after a girl I knew, Daisy Henderson, who was that girl in junior

high school.

She was beautiful.

She was that girl that the girls all want to be in the balls.

My balls wanted to be with her. The boys wanted to be with her. And my balls

wanted to be with her.

She was out of my league, though, Daisy. She was gorgeous, Daisy. She was

beautiful. She was one of those girls. She had, like, Disney little squirrels

followed her around and little thongs. And she had dwarves and shit. And she

teeth.

That's a thing in Scotland. She had teeth.

She was so out of my league. Every time she looked at me, I passed gas.

I was like, hi, Daisy.

Excuse me.

Which is weird, because now that's an exact replica of my relationship with my

wife.

Except when she looks at me, she passes gas.

Polite gas, though. Nice gas.

Lady gas.

Did someone light a scented candle down?

When Craig goes on the road, it's definitely,

it's probably the most challenging time in our marriage.

I'm still enjoying the tours. I'm getting a little weary of the travel and

want to go home.

It's really easy to get burned out, especially if you did it for 15 years,

years, or however long.

We'll be right back.

All right.

This is going to be a weird one.

It's taking its toll, like I said.

I miss a lot of birthdays for grandkids and kids and, you know, 32

years old.

Because the road, it's a very lonely place. It's a very odd thing to do if

you're not enjoying the shows.

I'm so happy to be back here at half past ten on fucking Saturday night.

When you've all lost a little money and you're a little liquored up and pissed.

You know, if you can't explain why you're out there, if I can't explain to

kids while I'm out here, my youngest boy in particular, if I can't explain to

him why I'm on the road, then I shouldn't be there.

So why does your dad go on tour?

For money.

Look, I've got to be honest with you, I feel a little vulnerable because I wore

a vest tonight. I don't normally wear a vest. I want to look like I'm a dealer.

But I feel a little uncomfortable. Do I look like Ellen a little bit?

Anyway, what I'm saying is this girl was out of my league.

But something happened between the first year of junior high school and the

second year of junior high school. It was very important in my life. I came to

America for the first time. I came with my dad, and we came to visit my Uncle

James and my Aunt Susan, who lived in Smithtown in Long Island, just outside

York. Yeah, Smithtown. The Paris of Long Island.

But it was to me, man. This was an American dream.

I came to visit and something very important happened.

It was the summertime and I went with my American cousins. We went to the beach

in the summer. Now, I'd been to the beach in Scotland, but that's a

thing. You go to the beach in Scotland, you keep your coat on and you go, oh,

this is fucking great, isn't it?

But I went with my American cousins in summertime to the beach and I got for

first time tan.

I got a tan for the first time in my life. Well, Scottish people don't really

get tanned, just our freckles get bigger and closer together and you start

looking like a giraffe.

But during that vacation, puberty hit and I grew magnificent eyebrows.

Well, one eyebrow, but a fucking beauty. It was like right across the ear like

that. Gorgeous, thick, thick, big, black, hairy, thick. It was lovely.

It was like a 1970s porn vagina right across my head.

I was still a little tubby kid, but I looked like a giraffe and I had a vagina

on my head.

And then when I went back home, I was the kid that had been to America. So

suddenly I was interesting to the rest of the kids at junior high school. And

they would ask me about America, like, oh, what's America like?

Do they really have potatoes made of gold?

I was like, oh, yeah.

And it made me so popular that I actually became confident. I started

around talking in an American accent.

I got so confident that I asked Daisy Henderson out on a date. I just walked

right up to her and I said, say Toots, do you want to go to the movies this

weekend? It'll be swell.

Because that's how Americans used to talk.

I mean, nowadays, of course, if I was doing it, I'd say, hola, amiga.

Fucking oomy, fuck you.

Oh, Craig, don't say things that we don't... feel comfortable about. Then

the front fucking room, motherfucker.

Oh, Craig, you're saying things that aren't necessarily true. Yeah, that's

called a joke, you fucking idiot.

Like, oh, you're saying things which are inappropriate. It's very difficult to

be appropriately inappropriate.

Yeah, we're still at the casino, obviously, because of the magnificence

surroundings. Did you see the coffee in the room?

No. The coffee, there's a little coffee machine in the room, and it's a little

packet of pre -made coffee, and it's Guy Fieri's premium roast coffee.

That's when you know you're in a classy joint.

First of all, the Guy Fieri coffee, I think Guy's not thinking it through with

the look. You can get a close -up in a minute, but he's not thinking about the

look of this because...

He's wearing a black and red top, and he's got blonde... For all the world, it

looks like, you know, Hitler coffee.

It's like Nazi coffee.

Look at that.

It's like Third Reich coffee design.

Doesn't it look like that?

Yeah. It looks a little too Nazi.

And then, listen to this, because this is... I think Guy must have written this

himself. This is written on the back of the coffee.

Welcome to Flavortown Roasts. You're going to dig the big, bold taste and

flavors of my coffee line. With a full menu of righteous brews, you're going to

find your new coffee and love right here.

Wow. See, that's what I fucking am in a casino as well. I'm just another

fucking product thrown at people's faces.

So when you play a casino...

I think that the audience are not really there to see you. They'll tolerate you

being there, which is a different thing, I think.

I mean, the show last night was OK for a casino show, but, you know, when I

yelled at that guy down the front and stuff, I enjoyed that.

What's going on here?

Did you get security?

Or did he just bring you in? What were you doing?

Did he just bring you in? Did you think there would be an opening act?

Because I'm just going to suck for the first 20 minutes and then charge myself

grand. It's just the same thing.

Did he bring you in or did he give you any trouble? I didn't see what happened.

It was all good?

I don't want to talk about it, okay? It's just a thing. Fucking keep going.

Shut up. Fucking dance, monkey boy, with your little fucking vest on. Go ahead

and fucking dance. Tell us a fucking joke.

Shut the fuck up.

I forgot. I've been in the Midwest all week. I forgot I was back on the East

fucking coast again.

Just tell your fucking jokes. Hey, laughing boy, fuck you.

You fucking talk to me. I fucking paid money. I don't even fucking pay. I'm

a high fucking roller. I sit in the front. I don't even fucking look. Fuck

man.

You fucking talking to me. You fucking talking to me. Fuck you.

Like the show before me last night, because it was a show before me last

was called Legends.

And it was a bunch of, like, a George Michael impersonator, an Elvis

impersonator.

A David Bowie impersonator, which I think I could probably do better.

And was there anyone alive being impersonated? I don't think so. I think

all dead. Dead legends.

So... I don't know if... I don't know how good I feel about being on

that bill.

But they pay well, and you're giving you a magnificent bed and a Guy Fieri

coffee. And is that the reason? Because a lot of comedians, I'm guessing, feel

that way. So they balance it out with the financial incentives.

Is that the idea? Yeah, they pay you money. It's kind of like doing... I

it's a little like rappers doing commercials for Imodium.

You know, you...

You balance the hip against the financial return.

This is not quite a modium, and I'm not quite a rapper, but you understand.

Like, I would say predominantly the audience coming to see me here would

not from late night or for stand -up, but from the daytime game show that I

I think that's what it is.

So I asked around a date.

And she said yes. And the minute she said yes, I started feeling a tingling.

And not where I wanted to feel it, you know, not in the area that shall not be

named.

Voldemort.

Ten points to Hufflepuff. All right.

No, I didn't, because, you know, I started feeling a tingling here.

Right in the end of my nose. And I was thinking, oh God, not now.

Not now, not a zit. Now, just at my moment of glory.

So I thought, I'd heard that, you know, if you put toothpaste on a zit, it would

dry it out. But this is Scotland. There's no fucking toothpaste.

So I went home that night. I swear this is true. I thought, I'll sleep it off.

I'll try and sleep away the zit. I'll go to bed early and try and sleep away the

zit. So I went to bed early that night. But before I went to sleep, for the

first time in a long time, I prayed.

I prayed to the baby Jesus.

You've got to pray to baby Jesus. Don't pray to grown -up Jesus.

The grown -up Jesus is going to see through your shit right away.

Grown -up Jesus is like, what am I, fucking skincare line?

Fuck you, I'm busy. I'm not Revlon. Deal with your own fucking acne.

I'm Jesus.

That's why he does that, because of all the prayers. He's like...

Growing up Jesus. Don't pray to growing up Jesus if you want. Pray to baby

Jesus. Because babies are fucking stupid.

They are.

Fucking watch the same movie over and over again.

I'm hungry. I'm going to fucking eat something. I'm tired.

Stop fucking crying and go to sleep.

I've shit my pants.

Not the baby. That was me right there.

Babies are fucking stupid. Anybody who's had kids is agreeing with me right now.

He's right, they're stupid.

People who have not had kids are like, Craig, babies are special. Wait till you

fucking have one.

You'll never be as good a parent as you are before your children are born.

Because you're going to do it different and everything's going to be great.

And your kids will be born and you'll be just like the rest of us.

Tired and disappointed.

and extensively touring the United States.

I don't like cheese.

I don't like cheese. Cheese is disgusting.

It makes me puke.

You've always eaten cheese.

No. That's such a lie. I never eat cheese. Literally last night we had

with cheese on it.

No, I never eat cheese.

I didn't eat cheese.

I didn't eat pasta with cheese.

He told himself he was scared of glue a few years ago, and now he's just

completely convinced himself that he's scared of glue.

It's just like his father.

Anyway,

I prayed to the baby Jesus. I said, please, baby Jesus, in your manger,

you live, please, baby Jesus.

Please take away the zit on the end of my nose like you did for that leper.

If you do this for me, baby Jesus, I'll read your book.

And you know, when I woke up the following morning, my prayer had been

completely ignored.

I knew it was back the minute I opened my eyes. The minute I opened my eyes, it

was restricted vision right away. I was like, oh, there's either a solar eclipse

or I'm in a lot of fucking trouble right now.

And I could hear my family off in the kitchen. They were all having breakfast.

You know, Scottish people having breakfast.

Oh, Shrek, Farty, Donkey, Freedom!

Fuck the English bacon eggs!

All that stuff. You know, Scottish people having breakfast.

Scrooge McDuck.

Pancakes.

And I wanted to go and have breakfast with my family, but I thought, I better

look at this at first. And I sat up in bed, and the weight of it pulled my head

forward.

bad so I went to the bathroom to look at it and I looked in the mirror it was

unbelievable I mean technically it was one set but it had three heads three and

they were kind of moving like it was a sentient being and it was kind of like

was kind of going it had a soundtrack like not actual music but you know like

Hans Zimmer sound bed on a Christopher Nolan movie you know what I'm talking

about

Look, don't squeeze it. Everybody knows. Don't squeeze it. Don't touch it. Don't

squeeze it. You'll just make it worse. I thought, I'll just feel the side of it.

I swear. I didn't even touch it. I didn't even touch it.

Foul yellow custard all over the bathroom mirror.

I was like, all right, you bastard, I'm going in. So I started squeezing it.

And there was more custard came out. And then blood was mixed in with the

custard.

Looked like ketchup on a fried egg.

Bon appétit tomorrow morning, everybody.

I squeezed it and I got it all out and then it was there.

Lying across the bathroom sink.

An abstract postcard of hell.

Then I thought, I better look at my face in the mirror to see how much this has

improved the situation.

So I looked at my face in the mirror.

But my face was not there.

It was gone.

It had been replaced by a baboon's anus.

Not any baboon.

A vagrant baboon that enjoys Mexican food.

It was really fucking bad.

I mean, it was really bad. It was just like abstract with a little bit of

eyebrow. That was it.

I was like, I can't go to school. I can't go to school. Daisy Henderson

see me like this. She'll call off the date.

It's too early in our relationship.

So I thought, I've got to avoid school. So I had to do what every kid does when

they want to avoid school. I yelled to my mother who was in the kitchen. I

Mom, I can't go to school. I've got diarrhea.

Now, my mother raised four kids. She wasn't an idiot.

She knew it wasn't diarrhea, but a mother can tell in the tone that

wrong. She was like, it's not diarrhea, but something's wrong.

And I swear this is true. She came in the bathroom door.

She came in the bathroom door. She knocked on the door and she said, Craig,

brought you a glass of water for your diarrhea.

I was like, no, thanks, Mom. I can't drink anything.

She's like, oh, no, you have to drink or you'll die.

That's why it's called diarrhea.

I was like, all right, I'm going to have to let her see it. So I opened the door

and she saw my face and she started crying.

It's really bad. She was like, oh, son.

Oh, oh, you squeezed it, didn't you? You squeezed.

It's really bad.

I'm like, I know.

It's like a baboon's anus. I'm like, shut up.

I'll just tell everyone you've shit your pants so you don't get embarrassed.

Everybody, Craig's not going to school today. He's shit his pants.

It's really bad. Don't come and look. It's all over his legs and shoes.

Hello, is that Craig's school? Yes, he will not be at school today, I'm afraid.

He has shit his pants.

Very bad.

eggs and shoes.

Probably best if you tell all the other children just how bad it is.

Hello, is that the BBC?

Breaking news story.

Craig has shit his pants.

Really bad.

All over his legs and chest.

Three days I was off school with that fucking set.

Three days.

It was some kind of infected super set. I had to go to a doctor. I had to go to

the doctor in Scotland.

And when the doctor saw it, this is a Scottish doctor.

I've never seen a Scottish doctor do this before or since, but when I walked

and he saw my face, he put down his cigarette.

He's like, who the fuck is this?

It's like a baboon's anus!

Three days I was off school with that, sir. And when I went back to school,

Daisy Henderson had gone out on a date with Mikey Plimpton, who was meant to be

my friend.

They went out to see a movie together.

And after the movie, they kissed.

Which, under the rules of junior high school, as you know, means they were

boyfriend and girlfriend. So I had to wait for them to break up before I could

ask her out.

But here's the thing, and I swear this is true. This is why we're not tweeting

about it, because this is real people involved here.

They didn't break up at junior high school or high school or college.

And after college, they got married. They have two kids together.

I know it's a terrible fucking story, isn't it?

I mean, about ten years ago, I was doing a show in Scotland, and they came

backstage, and we all laughed about it. Well, they laughed. I didn't fucking

laugh about it.

Anyway, it turned out all right in the end. About three years ago, she went to

prison for insurance fraud, and she divorced him. So, you know, all's well

ends well.

That's true.

Did you applaud that? You're a dark motherfucker.

Oh, good, yeah, good.

That made me feel better. Yeah, that's good, good.

Here's the thing. You want to know how much of a dick I am? This is true. I may

as well tell you. My sister called me up and said, Hey, did you hear?

Mikey Plymouth's gone to jail for insurance fraud and Daisy's divorcing

the first words out of my mouth before I could even think of it was, Karma's a

bitch, I guess.

Because apparently I can let things go.

Bowie joke?

Oh, I don't know if I'll do the Bowie joke. It's a casino.

Okay. I'm just always cheering for the Bowie joke. Well, it's because you were

involved in the writing of the Bowie joke.

I don't know. I just felt like if Bowie was here, which he was earlier.

I feel like most of these people would rather be watching Jerry Seinfeld

tonight. Oh.

I don't know if a Bowie joke is for people who would rather be watching. I

actually hear Seinfeld does about 45 minutes of Bowie material.

What's the deal with Bagel?

But here's the big closer. You thought Bowie was as good as you can get, right?

And I also have the set list.

Big closer.

Elvis.

King.

We've got Blue Christmas, Suspicious Minds, American Trilogy, and the finale

Carol of the Bells, The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.

So, hop that.

That's what I have to say. You know, I don't think I can top it tonight. I

what I'm going to try and do tonight is get through it.

That's it done.

Now you can go back to winning money.

No, actually, I was told by the management to let you know that the

particularly loose tonight.

Is this a Native American casino?

Is it?

That's good, you know.

That's good.

Before the white man came, there were casinos as far as the eye could see.

No, only this one.

And Mohegan Sun, obviously.

You guys have been awesome. I had a lovely time. Thanks very much for coming

nice and late.

Be lucky when you get back there, everybody.

Thanks a lot.

I'll see you next time.

That's also, that's a very casino gig.

I mean, that's really what a casino is like.

It's such an odd thing.

Again, and this is why it's better to make a special or a

series like this as opposed to doing a stand -up special because you see how

that material plays in different, in every place you go. Yeah.

No, it totally changes. And I do the same thing.

I do the same, well, sort of. I was a little tired tonight, I think, because

was a long bus ride today.

Yeah. But, you know, you do the best you can and sometimes it, hit harder than

it than it hits there but you know they seem happy enough

i

saw blake shelton um uh slot machine you ever thought about doing the craig

ferguson no what i'm really looking for i'm hoping for is i've got i'm aiming

higher than that i want the craig ferguson coffee packet hey cheeky

you'll love these

Bruce, is that right, Jeff?

Yeah, there it is.

Something like that.