Original subtitles

I think at this point it's more OCD than really anything.

Because sometimes I look at this stuff and there's... Do you remember the joke

we wrote?

The David Bowie tweet joke?

I think about it all the time.

And we never... I never do it because it never works.

Yeah, well we thought it was the funniest thing. I thought it was the

joke and it never worked. Do you think I should try it?

If it's a decent show, I'll try it tonight.

I would love to see it, because I remember you tried it in at the Comedy

twice, and we both felt afterwards like, I mean, I was just full -on depressed.

Actually, when people ask me about your act, I tell them, I'm like, well,

there's this great joke that's not in it, but which was meant to be in it. I

think it's a great joke, and it's never, no one who's ever

heard it has ever agreed with me.

Tell you the David Bowie joke.

No, I don't think so.

Have you ever heard of David Bowie?

Yes.

Have you? I have heard of David Bowie, yeah.

Thank you.

I have heard about the David Bowie joke.

He ran it past me before he ever said it. I thought it was great. I mean, once

you imitate David Bowie, then I'm sold, you know?

At some point in this run, in this tour, I'll tell, if the audience is really

good, at the end of the show, I'll do the David Bowie joke that nobody likes,

but you and I like, because we wrote it. It's a good bonus joke. All right,

bonus joke. All right, get out. I have to get ready.

Hello, Cleveland!

When I first came to America, my first ever baseball game was in Jacobs Field.

It used to be called Jacobs Field, kid.

What's it called now?

Buzzfeed? I don't know.

It's Jacobsfield.

Yeah, enjoy the name of your baseball team for another couple of years as

Hashtag, you know what I'm fucking talking about.

Do you know, I went to my first baseball game here. It was the first game of the

season. It was the Native Americans versus the...

It was the Indians versus the California whoopsies or something.

And it was the first game of the season. It was a beautiful day.

And I was with Drew Carey, who is from Cleveland, Ohio.

And it was just... Drew's my buddy. He said, come to a baseball game. It's

awesome. I went, all right, I'll try it. So I went with Drew. And Drew, I don't

know if you know, Drew's kind of connected in this town. So we were in

owner's loge.

And there were people bringing us little, like, shrimpy things on little

and stuff.

People were, I'll be honest, people were giving us handjobs in the... Drew gave

me a handjob. But I did ask, I asked for it.

And then, like, it was such a luxury thing, and I was like, oh, this is, I

see why Americans are into baseball. This is great.

My second baseball game, I went to see the Dodgers in California.

I had nosebleed seats, and I was shivved by a crip.

I thought the crowd interaction was interesting, kind of fun with the

Everybody's different.

Every show is different.

Every single one.

Well, there's no pleasing some people. You guys were awesome, though. Thank you

so much. Thanks for coming out tonight. I appreciate it.

Thanks a lot, everybody.

Thank you.

Good night. Good night.

You don't love them all. And it's not necessarily for me to have a good time.

It's necessarily for them to have a good time.

Okay, so explain why we're in a car and not on the bus.

The reason why we are in a car today is because we are pretty far on the tour

now. And what is common is that at this point I will rent a

car and not go on the tour bus for a couple of days and drive between gigs so

that I don't have to be on the tour bus. I think what happens is that as you get

closer to the end of the tour, You start trying to find ways to make you feel

like you're going to get home quicker.

It's a weird schedule.

It's odd.

You're away from home.

You're working long days.

You might not sleep well in every hotel or bus or whatever.

And I feel your mental strength has a lot to do with it.

Because you can, if you think about it too much, if you count days too much,

can, you know, bring yourself down and be like, oh my God, I still have two

months to go, you know?

Now, the show last night you brought up factories closing and the audience

almost turned on you.

I think the audience almost turned on me a couple of times last night.

Why don't you go fuck yourself, Craig?

Oh, really? Give yourself a round of applause for telling me to go fuck

Is this the way?

I don't know.

See, this is the way it's always been with me in Cleveland. I come here,

mean to me, and I just can't stay away.

I don't know if people are more ready to be offended than they used to be.

I think they might be, I think.

Everybody likes to be a victim. Being a victim is fashionable right now. So if

you can say you're oppressing me in some way, not to take away from people who

have been oppressed, obviously, but everybody wants a piece of the

action right now.

The world is so different now. Media is so different now. The idea of what the

show that we did in late night, me as the host, you as the front end of the

horse, that show would be unacceptable now. We couldn't do that show now.

Right. I mean, we really couldn't. It was too...

Dirty and sexual and... This is from Lauren in Honolulu. You ever been to

Honolulu? What do you like about Honolulu?

Keep to the left.

On to I -480E.

Yeah, well, I am, but now you want me to keep to the right because, um... Is it

a sign of age when you actually start conversing with the GPS?

So you told me recently that you didn't like your last tour, the New Deal tour.

Why is that?

I hated the New Deal tour because I was trying, you know, I was resisting the

change in myself.

You know, it was still kind of like, you know, Cheeky Monkey, Great Day for

America stuff, and that's gone, that's done.

And I just, I didn't know what to do, I didn't know where to be, and I was

uncomfortable on the road, didn't want to be on the road.

I cancelled a bunch of gigs at the end. Actually, the gig we're playing tonight,

I think it might be one that I cancelled.

Ooh, sounds a bit like poop in here, let's be honest.

You think?

A little poopy in here? A little bit.

That's good.

That's some treated rosemary jacket.

I am

so

sorry.

I meant to be here much earlier.

Quickly. I was meant to be here earlier. I can't tell you too much about it, but

Russians.

If you've ever seen me before, it wasn't here because I cancelled.

Russians.

Did I cancel twice?

Russians.

Dammit. If you've ever seen me before, sorry about cancelling twice.

You know what? like to do of an evening is tell a joke. I like to tell one joke

per show. It's usually only one joke. I don't usually have time for any of it. I

get sidetracked.

In the past I've told the oldest joke in the world, the dirtiest joke in the

world, the best joke in the world. But tonight I've got something a little

different for you.

Something a little strange.

Tonight I have a joke for you that does not exist.

fragment of this joke has been found.

Scientists don't really know what the joke consists of. All that's been found

the punchline of the joke. That's all.

The joke itself does not exist.

But the punchline exists.

But it's good.

It's such a good punchline. I think I should tell it to you so you know. The

punchline of the joke is, what are you talking about? The first time he tried

it, he was sick. The second time, his hat blew off.

joke is about you know the first time you tried it was sick the second time

hat blew off my best guess is that some kind of sailing sex mix -up joke that's

what you know it sounds like because what could make you you know sick and

your hat fly off and get them mixed up i don't know how you could mix up sailing

and sex they're very different of course hang

on no i've got one sailing and sex very different yes

involves swabbing the poop deck.

Yeah, I'm going to fucking do it. Yes, I am.

One involves swabbing the poop deck and the other one is sailing. Yeah.

Fuck yeah, I'm going to do some more. Hold on.

Sailing and sex, very different, of course.

What involves hoisting the mast and hoping the wind breaks to your

Oh, fuck, here's one. All right.

Sailing in tech is very different, of course.

What involves the smell of the ocean and fresh spray in your face?

Oh, we found the edge now, man. Hold it, hold it, hold it.

And the other one's sailing.

I like sailing. I do like sailing. I love it. I used to have a boat. I used

have a sailboat.

And then I sold it.

Because, you know, I got married.

What was I going to need a boat for after I got married? Because, you know,

No, I mean, didn't they say the two greatest days of a man's life are when

buys his boat, when he sells his boat? Which, of course, is bullshit.

Anybody who says that has clearly never taken drugs.

that have taken drugs know the two greatest days of a man's life are the

days you drop acid and watch Scooby -Doo.

Liam, what was the greatest day of your life?

I don't know what the greatest day of your life is. What's the greatest day of

your life? When your kids are born, maybe?

Fuck, I guess not.

come and see you.

Now we feel guilty.

I know men sometimes say that. Men sometimes say, my kids are born, it was

greatest day of my life. Women rarely say it, I will admit.

Women say things like, that day I had a glass of wine with Janice in Italy, that

was the greatest day of my life.

Squirting your baby out of my cooter was not the greatest day of my life.

right i said cooter i don't know what's the greatest day of your life when you

lose your virginity perhaps is that it oh my god oh man

who hurt you no

you said you were not going to talk about the church

Sometimes I would like to complain against myself.

You're getting offended on her behalf.

I'm not getting offended on her behalf. I'm just getting scared on your all

behalf.

I don't know. If you're ever looking for my virginity, by the way, I lost it in

a town called Scarborough in the north of England.

1979 when I was 17.

I wanted to lose it before that, but no one wanted to help me out. You can't

really do it on your own.

I mean, I'd been in the simulator for a long time. I was ready to go. I'd been

practicing like crazy.

I was at ramming speed.

I wanted to have sex the minute puberty hit. When I was 13, I wanted to have

sex. The minute the hormones hit me, you want to have sex right away. But these

same hormones that make you want to have sex are also covering your skin in

pustules and lumps and stuff like that.

You literally turn into a horny dude.

For years I was poking around like that.

I want to fuck something.

But you can't because A, it's illegal and B, you're all bumpy and greasy and

spotty.

Bumpy, greasy and spotty, of course, Santa's forgotten reindeer.

You know Dasher and Dancer and Donner and Blitz and Bumpy and Greasy and

But do you recall the greatest reindeer, Paul?

Rudolph.

Do you know that Rudolph, the red -nosed reindeer, was actually named after

Rudolf Hess, Hitler's deputy?

Now, that's not true, but it will be when I put it on the air.

Is it Sunday? I can have that shit true by Tuesday. Easy.

Social justice warriors. Did you know? No, I had no idea.

Yeah, Santa was a Nazi.

Santa's not a Nazi.

Hang on, I just thought of something. Hang on, hang on.

Give me a minute.

Ho, ho, ho.

you know, being on the tour and standing on stage and saying stuff in the hope

that people laugh, I suppose, at stand -up comedy.

But I'm not a joke teller in that sense. I'm not a technician. I don't have

enough discipline, I think, to do that.

Well, I want to talk about that actually because, you know, I'm with you when

you assemble the act in the early stages, right? Sure, yeah.

I mean, you write it with me. His act is very personal, and I don't want to give

the impression that I write a ton of it because I don't.

We both individually write pieces, and we send it to each other, and then we

assemble it. I'm mostly there to help him in the assembly.

He's got a ton of ideas. His brain goes a thousand miles a minute.

and I help him focus it down. I mean, I have friends who are comedians, but I'm

not in that world.

Nobody's fucking inviting me to be in cars and having coffee with comedians.

not one of those guys. But you're in a car, so you're part of the way there.

in a car and I've had coffee today.

But, you know, I'm not in the Carnegie Deli with people or I'm not hanging out

at the Golden Globes. I can't seem to be part of it. I'd love to be part of a

group of people, but...

I've never been able to do it. Even in late night, I couldn't fucking do it.

there's only about ten people that do late night television.

I like James Corden. Just the irony kind of struck me is that I was in that job

for ten years and I constantly worried about my weight and my accent.

And then when I quit, they put in a fat guy with the worst accent than me.

I think pathetic time must be under there.

What do you think?

Like, see that there?

I think under there is a good 200 years of shit.

You know, if I'd have known you were going to be here, I would have put

on my legs.

They're always the last thing to go.

Legs are the last thing to go. That's why I'm like a lame dredge.

Oh, yeah, you are.

Oh, yeah, you can do it.

They're so nice, aren't they?

They're very nice.

I wanted to... You're such a nice crowd. We were recording this thing and

there's a joke that I wanted to do that nobody ever thinks is funny. But I think

it's worth trying.

With you guys tonight. It was a joke. I wanted to do this joke. You know when I

was talking about how much I hate famous people? And I do. I do. I hate famous

people. They're assholes. So, I had this idea that I wanted to do this joke. And

whenever I've tried to do this joke during that bit when I was talking about

famous people, nobody laughs at this joke. They hate this joke. But I love

And I think you guys need to hear it.

It's a joke.

All right, but you're not going to like it. But I feel like... But I'll like it,

that's right.

All right, so here's the thing.

It's a joke, because I was talking about, like, famous people, how I hate

and how, like, everybody, like, famous people tweet out their political

opinions, and I was like, fuck, I don't want to fucking hear it. I don't want

to... And when they tweet out, famous people tweet out what they had for

like, I give a fuck.

Give a fuck what fucking, I don't know, Larry King had for lunch. I know what

Larry had for lunch. He had fucking pastrami. He always has fucking

I had pastrami for lunch.

So I used to say this thing, I don't care what any famous person would have

lunch. There's only one person I would care about their lunchtime tweet.

The only lunchtime tweet I would care to read was if David Bowie was still

alive. God rest him. If he was still alive.

Yes. I would read David Bowie's lunchtime tweets because I think they'd

great.

Had lunch to die.

Had lunch to die with Brian, Ina and Iggy Pop.

Brian had a banana.

Iggy had a sandwich.

The joke finally worked. Yeah, and did it ever, man. It fucking killed.

The Bowie one?

Uh -huh.

They probably got it.

This crowd loved you.

The Bowie joke.

How about that? Fucking slammed it, right? They loved it. Yeah. They were so

excited. And now it'll make it in the TV.

Well, yeah.

They're gonna laugh.

This is the best system for getting a joke ever.

Yeah. It's finding the right audience.

They were... I felt... the eagerness of canceling two shows for this show.

But it worked out great. I thought it was a great show. It was a great show.

It felt like it was really strong.

Yeah. And I thought it was cool they actually let you know that he canceled

twice because that means they care. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So now the fact that the dressing room smelled of sewage. I need to have the

sewage smell in the dressing room for every show.