All language subtitles for Craig Ferguson Presents Hobo Fabulous s01e01 Dad Jokes

You know, I used to think when I was a
kid that what I'd like to do was join

circus. And then when I was a bit older,
I wanted to be in rock bands and I

wanted to go on tour and be in a rock
band and be fabulous and be thin and

leopard print clothing.

But you have to... To be in the circus,
you either have to learn how to balance

on a wire or ride a horse or...

gazelle or something and then in a rock
band you have to play a musical

instrument really well or play the drums
which so stand -up comedy touring

is kind of provide those ambitions
without all the difficulty of

learning a skill and I think that's why
it was attractive to me

it's a way to have a rock star circus
performer life

without doing any work at all.

I have absolutely no idea how I would
describe myself.

I would not describe myself as a stand
-up comedian.

Bit of a hobo sometimes, but he's
utterly fabulous. I don't know. I do

-up, but I'm not that. It's still dad
jokes.

It doesn't matter who your parents are.

I've written books. I don't think I'm a
writer. Craig's my boss, so it's kind of

weird for me to even describe him.

I've made films, but I'm not really a
filmmaker.

blue eyes, weird smiles, and a naughty
head.

I'm an American, but I live in Scotland.

I'm not a baby boomer, but I'm not a Gen
Xer. Craig, to me, is like a difficult,

complex human being that surprises you
every day.

I'm blowing a couple of guys, but I
don't think I make you gay.

No, I swear to God, I am never doing
another stand -up special. Never.

Never doing it. Do you know what I have?
to say, whenever I've said that to an

audience before, they've kind of gone,
oh, Craig, oh no, this is terrible news.

You guys are like, alright.

Are we meant to give a shit now? Is that
the thing?

Alright, I'll tell you why, given you're
so interested and concerned.

This fucking town, every time I look at
it, this fucking town.

I forget, then I remember.

My fucking wife's from this
neighborhood. I should know better.

Anyway, here's the thing. Here's the
reason why I'm never doing another stand

-up special. Please calm down.

I'm not doing it because I think there's
too many people doing it. I think there

are too many stand -up specials. Every
dick who was in a sitcom in the 1990s is

doing a night... How dare you?

There's too many stand -up specials and
I don't think that's right. I think...

I think that, you know, stand -up comedy
should kind of be like your genitals.

Let me finish.

It's not special if everybody sees them,
is it?

If everybody sees them, you're just a
tramp.

Because I don't want to make specials
for people who just have Netflix or

streaming. Like, I'll watch this guy,
but I don't like him. Well, fuck you!

I want to do stand -up comedy for people
that I like, that I trust, that I know,

that I know will be tender.

And with a running drink service.

No, I appreciate the fact that, you
know, I understand it's like a Sunday

you know, it's difficult to come out,
you could just be home watching TV, but

you guys didn't do that. You did a
difficult thing, you came here. You got

babysitter, you tied your kids to the
furniture, whatever the fuck you have to

do. And you came here. You know, as we
all know, the Danish Christian

existentialist philosopher Soren
Kierkegaard said... Oh,

Kierkegaard!

Kierkegaard said, only the noble of
heart are called to difficulty.

And you, my friends, are the noble of
heart. Thank you.

I appreciate it. I appreciate you coming
out.

I appreciate you doing what you had to
do to be here.

Kierkegaard reference in the first ten
minutes, that's pretty good, isn't it?

I hope he does some stuff about
Aristoteles.

It's like Chipotle.

I think what the road does, I think what
it always has done for me is it gives

you freedom and autonomy.

I stopped doing stand -up comedy for a
while when I was doing the Drew Carey

show because I liked Drew and I liked
the people I worked with.

And I was making movies, I was writing
movies and making movies in my off time

with the show. So I kind of felt safe in
a way.

I was like kind of my own boss, even
though I worked for them. But when I

to work for CBS doing Late Night, that's
when I went back to doing stand -up

because they owned me for television.

You know, World Wide Pants, who was the
letterman's company, and CBS owned my...

I couldn't do anything without their
permission.

People are a little jumpier than they
used to be, a little ready to get angry

and upset.

And I don't think that's a bad thing. I
think it's good that people voice when

they are offended. I don't...

I don't think there's anything wrong
with that. I like the fact that people

speak up when they're offended. Please,
if I say anything tonight that offends

you, feel free to go fuck yourself.

But that's not the point.

Save your applause until it's your turn,
all right?

I don't mind people getting offended on
their own behalf. That's fine. But now

the atmosphere, people are getting
offended on behalf of other people.

That's wrong.

If you get offended for a group of
people that you don't belong to, aren't

robbing those very people of the dignity
of being offended for themselves?

Isn't that a form of cultural
appropriation?

Is anybody buying this shit? It's just
some insurance.

People do get offended on behalf of
other people. It's fucking ridiculous.

It happened to me. It happened to me
after a yoga class in LA.

I was, fuck! you.

How dare you?

How dare you?

Yoga, Greg? I thought you'd be thinner.

Can I do yoga? What's your fucking
problem, lady?

I got it. I'm getting older. You got to
stretch it out.

When I get much older, I'm going to
start doing that slow kung fu in the

Sweatpants up to my nipples and a

I do yoga.

It's so rude.

I do the hot yoga. You guys have the hot
yoga here? The Bikram yoga?

Oh, ladies love the hot yoga.

I go to the hot yoga. It's mostly ladies
that go to the hot yoga.

Gentlemen, if you are...

thinking about going to the hot yoga, I
think I speak for us ladies when I say,

please, underneath your shorts, wear a
pair of speedos or a modesty garment of

some kind.

I've seen a lot of taint.

Some of it at yoga.

You guys, I'm having a good time.

You want to put it on?

Yeah, you can put it on the blue. You
know, I'll hold your coffee.

Careful for the truck. My name is Joe
Bolter, and I'm the director of this

project. And I played Secretariat on the
Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. I

was the front half of the horse.

That event changed my life because I
worked on that show, but I was just a

production assistant.

So I had no relationship with Craig
because there was no reason in our work

for us to interact.

And over time, doing that bit, we
started talking more, and that's how we

friends.

Thanks, man. Take the rest of the day
off, buddy.

You know what? See that? See over there?

That's Indiana on the other side of the
river, right? On this side is Kentucky.

So that's the Ohio River in between. So
I'm the Ohio River.

You know, I'm big and wet and dirty.

And sailors muck around on me sometimes.

So I went to this yoga class. After this
yoga class, the yoga instructor said to

me, she said, you're Scottish, aren't
you?

I said, well, you can tell by how I do
yoga.

Because physically, Scottish people,
we're just like you in every way.

Except we've got a little thistle on our
taint.

That's not true.

Although I did have an idea for a new
tattoo.

How'd you like that, Jeff?

I was after a yoga class. Can we go on
with this? I was after the yoga class.

And the yoga instructor said to me,
you're Scottish, aren't you? And I said,

yeah. She said, I'm offended on your
behalf.

I went, what? What happened?

And she said, I'm offended. This is
true.

She said, I'm offended by the character
of groundskeeper Willie in The Simpsons.

I was like, what? She went, yes.

That is offensive to Scottish people.

I was like, not really.

First of all, it's a joke in a cartoon.

And secondly, Groundskeeper Willie is in
shape and has a job.

I don't know how many Scottish people
you know, but that...

Groundskeeper Willie isn't offensive to
Scottish people? How dare you?

No, I'll tell you what it is. Scrooge
McDuck.

How dare you for Scrooge McDuck? Fuck
you guys!

For Scrooge McDuck. How dare you? Not
the bit about being angry and yelling

cautious with money and having, you
know, jacuzzis full of dollar bills and

that. That's true. We do all of that.

It's the bit about being naked from the
waist down.

Scottish people don't do that.

Lest they'll go to Burning Man.

That's a thing at Burning Man, the
festival.

Guys my age walk around naked from the
waist down.

So they can look counterculture. They
want to look counterculture, but they've

also got tummies. So they have to wear
shirts.

And then naked.

It's a real thing. It's called shirt
cocking.

It's a real thing. They walk around
Burning Man. Hey ladies, do you like

sink?

Like, I got no problem with... I
wouldn't have a problem with my kids

show.

Well, maybe, maybe a little bit.

I have seen it. My friends watch it more
than me.

And, uh, I don't know. It's kind of...
It's the same kind of stuff that he says

around the house. It's the same energy.

But, uh...

It's certainly, it's really funny when
one of my friends in my group chat's

like, I completely forgot who your dad
was and I saw him on YouTube. He's so

funny. And I'm like, thanks?

Well, thank goodness for FaceTime.

That man FaceTimes me all the time.
Look, there you are. See?

Does it ever turn into sexting? Yeah.

A little bit of wife porn. Why not?

Sexting is, where is that?

Poor Milo.

Does that make you very uncomfortable?

No.

If you want, I'm just going to leave
because that was just gross.

I'm not going to film anymore. That
means if I'm not filming it, you don't

it either.

Put your phones away.

If I see any of this shit up on YouTube
tomorrow, I will find you.

I know what you're thinking. Oh, Craig,
come on. We could post it anonymously.

You'd never find us. Let me remind you,
I have a teenage son.

He has an iPhone.

And a very particular set of skills.

Which makes him a nightmare for people
like you.

So, no film in this, and no tweeting
about it either. Don't put anything on

social media. Don't say anything I say
on... Because there's no fucking script

here. You know, I could inadvertently
launch into a hateful, homophobic,

rant or something like that. Look, I'm
probably not gonna, but just in case.

Don't fucking tweet anything out. I've
got a Twitter account. I can fucking put

it out if I want. I don't need you
fucking putting it out and getting me in

trouble.

Hashtag, shut the fuck up.

It's true.

Man, I don't know, you younger kids, you
probably don't remember this, but drugs

used to be illegal.

It was a dark time.

And when we wanted to take drugs back in
the day, we used to have to close the

drapes and take the phone off the hook
and then we'd... Smoke pot.

That's what comedy's like now. You've
got to be fucking careful. Take the

and take the phone off the hook and then
get joking.

The big rock and roll writer right
there. Look at all that.

Look at that rock and roll writer.

Things are getting nuts.

Well, peanut.

I think we have a couple of peanuts.

What do you do with all the extra
peanuts? Do you start in some kind of

skimming business?

and Tomas, he runs away.

He's very shy and retiring.

He's like a, he's like a large Czech
bunny.

My name is Tomas and I came and managed
the tour.

I grew up in Moravia, which is the east
part, close to, close to Vienna,

Austria, and close to Slovakia.

And then I lived in Prague for a while.

But I didn't move to the United States
until...

I don't know anything about comedy. The
only thing I knew about comedy when we

were kids, we would listen to old Czech
comedians, their live recordings.

And we used to love that, but I knew
nothing about this new

world of comedy. And I knew it was doing
well and being very popular, but I, you

know, I didn't know anything about it. I
knew a few names, but that was about

it. And I texted my buddy in Czech, my
best friend, and he goes like, oh, no

shit, man. I really love him and I
really love his late night shows.

And I had no idea because I, you know,
haven't had a cable or TV since I left

home, you know.

I'm doing this tour. I'm walking around.
I'm doing this Hobo Fabulous tour.

That's what I'm calling it, Hobo
Fabulous. Because I'll tell you why.

All right, I will.

No, no, it's too late.

I was telling a friend, have you guys
heard of a comedian called Jay Leno?

Oh, you have? All right.

You know, I mentioned that to an
audience a couple of nights ago and

booed.

Like, you know, Jay Leno, they went,
boo.

I'm like, it's like booing Santa or
something. That's crazy.

Anyway, I was talking to Jay and I said,
Jay, I am never recording another stand

-up special. I'm never doing it again.
And he said, he...

That's how he talks.

He inhales a lot of exhaust fumes.

Now, I said to Jay, I'm never doing
another stand -up special. I'm never

it again. He said, what are you talking
about?

You're like a hobo standing outside of a
fancy restaurant telling all the people

going in that you're never going to eat
in that place again.

Which, I didn't know what he meant by
that, but clearly you do, so...

I'm just, you know, that's all right. It
doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean

anything. Hobo fabulous is bullshit.

You know, it's just a kind of like, hey,
hey.

Or I can't believe it's not butter.

It's that thing people say now doesn't
mean anything. Oh, yeah.

I swear by almighty God to tell the
truth, the whole truth.

And nothing but the truth. So help me
God.

You know, just some bullshit like that.

You know, you've got to have a
catchphrase, though.

My catchphrase used to be.

It's a great day for America. That's
what I used to say.

judge on Project Runway, and somebody
walked down the gangway

with a new outfit, I'd say to Heidi, I
love that look, Heidi. It's hobo

fabulous.

And she'd be like, what does that mean?
And I'd be like, I don't really know. It

doesn't mean anything.

Well, why would you even say it?

Well, why don't you shut up, Heidi, you
fucking Nazi?

That escalated a little quickly, didn't
it?

Cleveland's not a Nazi. She's a probably
nice woman. She's not a Nazi.

She's not.

Very nice.

I love all these outfits over here. Is
that very nice?

My name is Ron Portilla.

That's like tortilla, but with a P.

It's Spanish.

And I'm a bus driver, and I've been
driving buses, or entertainer buses,

1986.

Yeah, I mean, I'm from a town, Smiley,
Texas.

But I've never been with an artist that
I was head over heels about, you know,

as an entertainer. Now, as a human
being, that's the side that I feel.

All these guys, you know.

I don't see them on stage.

And like I said, there's been many
entertainers that I drove that people

give their firstborn just to have that
opportunity to hang out with.

Do you like driving Craig?

He's so easy. Him and Michael Bolton.

Baby, I'm easy.

They're just absolutely, they don't ask
for nothing.

And they're both just as...

A little joy to be around.

If I lived here for any length of time,
I think I'd be eating fried chicken and

drinking whiskey.

And I'd get a Louisville Slugger. Not
the baseball bat, the sex thing.

You know what that is? A Louisville
Slugger? Because I don't know what it

But we can make something up.

I don't know.

Maybe I should wear these on stage.

What do you think?

To make me look like a rapper?

Yeah, if you don't tie them.

Yeah, but I'll fall over. I don't know
how these rappers manage.