Original subtitles

You know, I used to think when I was a kid that what I'd like to do was join

circus. And then when I was a bit older, I wanted to be in rock bands and I

wanted to go on tour and be in a rock band and be fabulous and be thin and

leopard print clothing.

But you have to... To be in the circus, you either have to learn how to balance

on a wire or ride a horse or...

gazelle or something and then in a rock band you have to play a musical

instrument really well or play the drums which so stand -up comedy touring

is kind of provide those ambitions without all the difficulty of

learning a skill and I think that's why it was attractive to me

it's a way to have a rock star circus performer life

without doing any work at all.

I have absolutely no idea how I would describe myself.

I would not describe myself as a stand -up comedian.

Bit of a hobo sometimes, but he's utterly fabulous. I don't know. I do

-up, but I'm not that. It's still dad jokes.

It doesn't matter who your parents are.

I've written books. I don't think I'm a writer. Craig's my boss, so it's kind of

weird for me to even describe him.

I've made films, but I'm not really a filmmaker.

blue eyes, weird smiles, and a naughty head.

I'm an American, but I live in Scotland.

I'm not a baby boomer, but I'm not a Gen Xer. Craig, to me, is like a difficult,

complex human being that surprises you every day.

I'm blowing a couple of guys, but I don't think I make you gay.

No, I swear to God, I am never doing another stand -up special. Never.

Never doing it. Do you know what I have? to say, whenever I've said that to an

audience before, they've kind of gone, oh, Craig, oh no, this is terrible news.

You guys are like, alright.

Are we meant to give a shit now? Is that the thing?

Alright, I'll tell you why, given you're so interested and concerned.

This fucking town, every time I look at it, this fucking town.

I forget, then I remember.

My fucking wife's from this neighborhood. I should know better.

Anyway, here's the thing. Here's the reason why I'm never doing another stand

-up special. Please calm down.

I'm not doing it because I think there's too many people doing it. I think there

are too many stand -up specials. Every dick who was in a sitcom in the 1990s is

doing a night... How dare you?

There's too many stand -up specials and I don't think that's right. I think...

I think that, you know, stand -up comedy should kind of be like your genitals.

Let me finish.

It's not special if everybody sees them, is it?

If everybody sees them, you're just a tramp.

Because I don't want to make specials for people who just have Netflix or

streaming. Like, I'll watch this guy, but I don't like him. Well, fuck you!

I want to do stand -up comedy for people that I like, that I trust, that I know,

that I know will be tender.

And with a running drink service.

No, I appreciate the fact that, you know, I understand it's like a Sunday

you know, it's difficult to come out, you could just be home watching TV, but

you guys didn't do that. You did a difficult thing, you came here. You got

babysitter, you tied your kids to the furniture, whatever the fuck you have to

do. And you came here. You know, as we all know, the Danish Christian

existentialist philosopher Soren Kierkegaard said... Oh,

Kierkegaard!

Kierkegaard said, only the noble of heart are called to difficulty.

And you, my friends, are the noble of heart. Thank you.

I appreciate it. I appreciate you coming out.

I appreciate you doing what you had to do to be here.

Kierkegaard reference in the first ten minutes, that's pretty good, isn't it?

I hope he does some stuff about Aristoteles.

It's like Chipotle.

I think what the road does, I think what it always has done for me is it gives

you freedom and autonomy.

I stopped doing stand -up comedy for a while when I was doing the Drew Carey

show because I liked Drew and I liked the people I worked with.

And I was making movies, I was writing movies and making movies in my off time

with the show. So I kind of felt safe in a way.

I was like kind of my own boss, even though I worked for them. But when I

to work for CBS doing Late Night, that's when I went back to doing stand -up

because they owned me for television.

You know, World Wide Pants, who was the letterman's company, and CBS owned my...

I couldn't do anything without their permission.

People are a little jumpier than they used to be, a little ready to get angry

and upset.

And I don't think that's a bad thing. I think it's good that people voice when

they are offended. I don't...

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I like the fact that people

speak up when they're offended. Please, if I say anything tonight that offends

you, feel free to go fuck yourself.

But that's not the point.

Save your applause until it's your turn, all right?

I don't mind people getting offended on their own behalf. That's fine. But now

the atmosphere, people are getting offended on behalf of other people.

That's wrong.

If you get offended for a group of people that you don't belong to, aren't

robbing those very people of the dignity of being offended for themselves?

Isn't that a form of cultural appropriation?

Is anybody buying this shit? It's just some insurance.

People do get offended on behalf of other people. It's fucking ridiculous.

It happened to me. It happened to me after a yoga class in LA.

I was, fuck! you.

How dare you?

How dare you?

Yoga, Greg? I thought you'd be thinner.

Can I do yoga? What's your fucking problem, lady?

I got it. I'm getting older. You got to stretch it out.

When I get much older, I'm going to start doing that slow kung fu in the

Sweatpants up to my nipples and a

I do yoga.

It's so rude.

I do the hot yoga. You guys have the hot yoga here? The Bikram yoga?

Oh, ladies love the hot yoga.

I go to the hot yoga. It's mostly ladies that go to the hot yoga.

Gentlemen, if you are...

thinking about going to the hot yoga, I think I speak for us ladies when I say,

please, underneath your shorts, wear a pair of speedos or a modesty garment of

some kind.

I've seen a lot of taint.

Some of it at yoga.

You guys, I'm having a good time.

You want to put it on?

Yeah, you can put it on the blue. You know, I'll hold your coffee.

Careful for the truck. My name is Joe Bolter, and I'm the director of this

project. And I played Secretariat on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. I

was the front half of the horse.

That event changed my life because I worked on that show, but I was just a

production assistant.

So I had no relationship with Craig because there was no reason in our work

for us to interact.

And over time, doing that bit, we started talking more, and that's how we

friends.

Thanks, man. Take the rest of the day off, buddy.

You know what? See that? See over there?

That's Indiana on the other side of the river, right? On this side is Kentucky.

So that's the Ohio River in between. So I'm the Ohio River.

You know, I'm big and wet and dirty.

And sailors muck around on me sometimes.

So I went to this yoga class. After this yoga class, the yoga instructor said to

me, she said, you're Scottish, aren't you?

I said, well, you can tell by how I do yoga.

Because physically, Scottish people, we're just like you in every way.

Except we've got a little thistle on our taint.

That's not true.

Although I did have an idea for a new tattoo.

How'd you like that, Jeff?

I was after a yoga class. Can we go on with this? I was after the yoga class.

And the yoga instructor said to me, you're Scottish, aren't you? And I said,

yeah. She said, I'm offended on your behalf.

I went, what? What happened?

And she said, I'm offended. This is true.

She said, I'm offended by the character of groundskeeper Willie in The Simpsons.

I was like, what? She went, yes.

That is offensive to Scottish people.

I was like, not really.

First of all, it's a joke in a cartoon.

And secondly, Groundskeeper Willie is in shape and has a job.

I don't know how many Scottish people you know, but that...

Groundskeeper Willie isn't offensive to Scottish people? How dare you?

No, I'll tell you what it is. Scrooge McDuck.

How dare you for Scrooge McDuck? Fuck you guys!

For Scrooge McDuck. How dare you? Not the bit about being angry and yelling

cautious with money and having, you know, jacuzzis full of dollar bills and

that. That's true. We do all of that.

It's the bit about being naked from the waist down.

Scottish people don't do that.

Lest they'll go to Burning Man.

That's a thing at Burning Man, the festival.

Guys my age walk around naked from the waist down.

So they can look counterculture. They want to look counterculture, but they've

also got tummies. So they have to wear shirts.

And then naked.

It's a real thing. It's called shirt cocking.

It's a real thing. They walk around Burning Man. Hey ladies, do you like

sink?

Like, I got no problem with... I wouldn't have a problem with my kids

show.

Well, maybe, maybe a little bit.

I have seen it. My friends watch it more than me.

And, uh, I don't know. It's kind of... It's the same kind of stuff that he says

around the house. It's the same energy.

But, uh...

It's certainly, it's really funny when one of my friends in my group chat's

like, I completely forgot who your dad was and I saw him on YouTube. He's so

funny. And I'm like, thanks?

Well, thank goodness for FaceTime.

That man FaceTimes me all the time. Look, there you are. See?

Does it ever turn into sexting? Yeah.

A little bit of wife porn. Why not?

Sexting is, where is that?

Poor Milo.

Does that make you very uncomfortable?

No.

If you want, I'm just going to leave because that was just gross.

I'm not going to film anymore. That means if I'm not filming it, you don't

it either.

Put your phones away.

If I see any of this shit up on YouTube tomorrow, I will find you.

I know what you're thinking. Oh, Craig, come on. We could post it anonymously.

You'd never find us. Let me remind you, I have a teenage son.

He has an iPhone.

And a very particular set of skills.

Which makes him a nightmare for people like you.

So, no film in this, and no tweeting about it either. Don't put anything on

social media. Don't say anything I say on... Because there's no fucking script

here. You know, I could inadvertently launch into a hateful, homophobic,

rant or something like that. Look, I'm probably not gonna, but just in case.

Don't fucking tweet anything out. I've got a Twitter account. I can fucking put

it out if I want. I don't need you fucking putting it out and getting me in

trouble.

Hashtag, shut the fuck up.

It's true.

Man, I don't know, you younger kids, you probably don't remember this, but drugs

used to be illegal.

It was a dark time.

And when we wanted to take drugs back in the day, we used to have to close the

drapes and take the phone off the hook and then we'd... Smoke pot.

That's what comedy's like now. You've got to be fucking careful. Take the

and take the phone off the hook and then get joking.

The big rock and roll writer right there. Look at all that.

Look at that rock and roll writer.

Things are getting nuts.

Well, peanut.

I think we have a couple of peanuts.

What do you do with all the extra peanuts? Do you start in some kind of

skimming business?

and Tomas, he runs away.

He's very shy and retiring.

He's like a, he's like a large Czech bunny.

My name is Tomas and I came and managed the tour.

I grew up in Moravia, which is the east part, close to, close to Vienna,

Austria, and close to Slovakia.

And then I lived in Prague for a while.

But I didn't move to the United States until...

I don't know anything about comedy. The only thing I knew about comedy when we

were kids, we would listen to old Czech comedians, their live recordings.

And we used to love that, but I knew nothing about this new

world of comedy. And I knew it was doing well and being very popular, but I, you

know, I didn't know anything about it. I knew a few names, but that was about

it. And I texted my buddy in Czech, my best friend, and he goes like, oh, no

shit, man. I really love him and I really love his late night shows.

And I had no idea because I, you know, haven't had a cable or TV since I left

home, you know.

I'm doing this tour. I'm walking around. I'm doing this Hobo Fabulous tour.

That's what I'm calling it, Hobo Fabulous. Because I'll tell you why.

All right, I will.

No, no, it's too late.

I was telling a friend, have you guys heard of a comedian called Jay Leno?

Oh, you have? All right.

You know, I mentioned that to an audience a couple of nights ago and

booed.

Like, you know, Jay Leno, they went, boo.

I'm like, it's like booing Santa or something. That's crazy.

Anyway, I was talking to Jay and I said, Jay, I am never recording another stand

-up special. I'm never doing it again. And he said, he...

That's how he talks.

He inhales a lot of exhaust fumes.

Now, I said to Jay, I'm never doing another stand -up special. I'm never

it again. He said, what are you talking about?

You're like a hobo standing outside of a fancy restaurant telling all the people

going in that you're never going to eat in that place again.

Which, I didn't know what he meant by that, but clearly you do, so...

I'm just, you know, that's all right. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean

anything. Hobo fabulous is bullshit.

You know, it's just a kind of like, hey, hey.

Or I can't believe it's not butter.

It's that thing people say now doesn't mean anything. Oh, yeah.

I swear by almighty God to tell the truth, the whole truth.

And nothing but the truth. So help me God.

You know, just some bullshit like that.

You know, you've got to have a catchphrase, though.

My catchphrase used to be.

It's a great day for America. That's what I used to say.

judge on Project Runway, and somebody walked down the gangway

with a new outfit, I'd say to Heidi, I love that look, Heidi. It's hobo

fabulous.

And she'd be like, what does that mean? And I'd be like, I don't really know. It

doesn't mean anything.

Well, why would you even say it?

Well, why don't you shut up, Heidi, you fucking Nazi?

That escalated a little quickly, didn't it?

Cleveland's not a Nazi. She's a probably nice woman. She's not a Nazi.

She's not.

Very nice.

I love all these outfits over here. Is that very nice?

My name is Ron Portilla.

That's like tortilla, but with a P.

It's Spanish.

And I'm a bus driver, and I've been driving buses, or entertainer buses,

1986.

Yeah, I mean, I'm from a town, Smiley, Texas.

But I've never been with an artist that I was head over heels about, you know,

as an entertainer. Now, as a human being, that's the side that I feel.

All these guys, you know.

I don't see them on stage.

And like I said, there's been many entertainers that I drove that people

give their firstborn just to have that opportunity to hang out with.

Do you like driving Craig?

He's so easy. Him and Michael Bolton.

Baby, I'm easy.

They're just absolutely, they don't ask for nothing.

And they're both just as...

A little joy to be around.

If I lived here for any length of time, I think I'd be eating fried chicken and

drinking whiskey.

And I'd get a Louisville Slugger. Not the baseball bat, the sex thing.

You know what that is? A Louisville Slugger? Because I don't know what it

But we can make something up.

I don't know.

Maybe I should wear these on stage.

What do you think?

To make me look like a rapper?

Yeah, if you don't tie them.

Yeah, but I'll fall over. I don't know how these rappers manage.