Original subtitles

I'm sorry to move so many of you around this morning, but as you know,

yesterday, the whole of Benidorm was alcohol -free for the Feast of San

In precisely 30 seconds, the ban will be lifted. Are there any questions?

Miss Temple Savage, I am the first one to say the British drink too much. But

there has only been a ban on alcohol for 24 hours.

I really do not think there is such a thing.

I'll be in my office.

No joy? Right, try this.

Capital L, O, A, D, O, F, O,

L, D, capital S, capital H, capital I, capital T.

Don't think that's the Wi -Fi password.

Why not?

Because you've just spelt out the words, load of old shit.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, that's a review for the Polish -Italian.

I'm going to have to bring my specs in tomorrow.

I can't believe you don't know your own Wi -Fi password.

Well, baby Jesus keeps changing it. Apparently he's very security conscious

a ten -year -old.

Whatever, forget it.

Do you want to use my hotspot?

Depends. We're still talking about the internet.

You should be so lucky.

Search for Sam's phone, the password that Benidorm spelt backwards.

Bit cryptic.

But then again, you don't want just any old Tom, Dick or Harry messing with your

hot spot.

No. I'd much rather have a Joey.

Hey, you don't want to be checking your emails on your holidays, man.

It's exam results.

Oh, hey.

Good luck.

Thanks. I've been eating it.

Good morning, Kenneth.

Morning, Nev.

How's it going, love?

Hey, I can't smile wide enough.

Oh, do you know what? I'm fuming. I couldn't get a drink anywhere last night

because of St. Bloody Winifred or whatever it was.

Painter and St. Bloody Fruit Juice. Hey, you don't need to tell me about it.

You know what? I was in bed by half past eleven and I suddenly realised I'd

forgotten how to fall asleep.

Aye, because I've heard you usually just crash out on a sun lounger about 5am

straight from Café B.

Exactly, Ned. I'm a creature of habit.

Hey, could you not just have a drink at home?

Drink at home?

What do you think I am, an alcoholic?

Oh, well. I suppose it means I'll be in work before Liam for once.

Hey, no. He's in blown go already.

You've got a few clients and all.

Never what you're talking about. We're not open for another hour. Hey, see for

yourself.

Well... Thanks, girls.

See you Tuesday for a shampoo instead.

Thanks. Hey, knee -butter thud. How was the exam results?

Unbelievable. Ho -ho, champion.

Hey, it's a good job the bath is open again. You're going to want a drink.

Yeah, we wanted several.

As will me mum and dad when they find out.

You managed to see our Geordie on that video calling thing?

No, Wi -Fi's not working.

Typical. And there's been no movement on the mushrooms?

On the what?

First day here, I filled out a complaint card about the mushrooms.

Did you?

Oh, yeah.

What's wrong with them? I told you the other day, they're tinned.

Oh, yeah.

That explains why I haven't been sleeping.

Oh, well, no more crappy three -star holidays for us next year with our Jodie

earning.

What do you mean by that?

Well, I mean, once she's paid her school fees for the year, the rest is, you

know. The rest is what?

No, no, what I mean is, what if Jodie wants to go somewhere else next year?

She'll go where we go on holiday. She's nine.

Morning.

I know what you're getting at.

Would you ask our Rob to pay for us to go on a fancy holiday just because he's

going to have a good job when he starts work?

Morning to you and all.

What were all that about?

No idea.

Where is she?

She knows we've called a family meeting.

She's probably having a sleep in.

She is on her holidays.

But we're in the middle of a family crisis.

We need to talk about Malcolm.

I'm sure I've seen something on telly called that.

That was Kevin.

Who's Kevin? We need to talk about Kevin. I thought you wanted to talk

Malcolm. Who's Kevin?

How many boyfriends has Pauline got?

That's probably what you saw on the telly.

We need to talk about Kevin.

It was a film about a lad who killed all his school friends.

Well, what about Malcolm?

Well, he hasn't killed anyone.

Not yet, anyway.

No, in the middle.

In the middle of what?

Malcolm in the middle.

That's the thing I saw on telly. Oh, for God's sake, Mother, you are frying me

brain.

I've only just got your text.

If this is about Malcolm, I know he didn't get on his plane.

He's gone out to find smoked salmon for my breakfast.

Smoked salmon? Is he off his nuts?

He must be.

We couldn't even get brown sauce the first two years we were here. No.

What I mean is, after last night, why hasn't he gone home?

Why does he think you're even talking to him?

Right.

Emergency family meeting called at 09 .22.

This is how a relationship works.

We have our good days and we have our bad days.

What about all the things you said yesterday?

That was yesterday.

You don't understand, Pauline.

You're being manipulated.

Malcolm's controlling your life. He's controlling your mind.

Ah, yes.

Jeff Maltby, that world -renowned judge of character.

Remind me, who is Janela, your gold -digging ex -girlfriend?

We're just looking after your entry, believe me.

Michael's not the person he's claiming to be.

He's not Kevin, is he?

Who's Kevin? Just somebody our Jeff wanted to talk about.

Success.

Still frozen but ten minutes in the sun and Bob's your uncle. Now, let's try and

get this hotel to poach an egg.

Easy on the grains, Pauline. Remember what we said about refined

No?

Good girl.

Ah, Stuart!

He's such a terribly sad life story.

You could tell how much it's affected Liam.

Me as well. All the debt at school.

Terrible home life.

And a terrible mother...

On earth was she a prostitute all those years without any of the family knowing?

Unbelievable. I don't know how the husband coped.

The bit that really got me, though, was the long -lost sister. Can you believe

it? Finding out you always had a sister.

Yeah. And then, when you finally meet her, she tells you she's got two weeks

live and ends up dying in her brother's arms. Oh, George, you'll set me off

again. Come on, Hattie, let's go to the indoor market.

Nobody here is talented.

Okay.

Oh, yes.

Well, it all looks very impressive, but as I said when you first sat down, I'm

not looking for a holiday home. Thank you, Mr... I'm sorry, I forget your

Monty. Monty, where have I heard that name before? You're not staying at the

Solana, are you? The Solana?

Good grief, no.

I've housed my dog in better accommodation.

And the clientele there are... How can I put this kindly?

Financially challenged?

And if you weren't being so kind?

Well, basically peasants.

No, I prefer to see my prospective clients in hotels such as this, and when

show them what I have on offer...

They tend to go all the way.

That's where I've heard that name before. When I was a child, my brother

snake called Monty.

Oh, how very charming.

No, it wasn't.

Horrible, small, slippery, slimy thing it was. Tried to get into all sorts of

tight spaces where it wasn't welcome.

Tight spaces?

I should be so lucky.

And so would you, I imagine.

Well, I won't keep you any longer.

Adios, Monty.

Better luck next time.

Hello.

There you are.

Just been upstairs looking for you. Are we open already? I was just about to

come over. Oh, behave. I don't give a tot about that. It's Liam.

What's then?

Oh, is it lunchtime already?

I'll have one of them footlong hot dogs. No, it's still early.

Will you two just listen to me?

I've always wondered why he's a bit odd, but... Oh, God, you're not going to

bloody believe this.

I'm going to go and get some drink. No, no, it's all right, I'll go.

I need a bacon butty as well, before breakfast closes.

And I said to Graham...

Experiencing a synchronistic moment that unlocks something which was hidden

within you is like a naked man trying to light a fire in the rain.

Completely matchless.

Welcome. We'd like to talk about last night.

Geoff, mate, no need to apologise. I realised a long time ago a grudge is an

investment with zero return.

I forgive you.

You.

Forgive me. Would anybody like a drink?

Well, you sound surprised, Geoff. Although it has to be said, contrition

to be a rare commodity these days.

Excuse me, love. How long ago did you get that bacon?

Oh, not long since.

They had plenty. Have they run out?

I knew it. They're always doing this.

I'm sure they take it back and sell it in Norwich in the indoor market. Funny

how he only does bacon rolls after half past ten.

Wouldn't mind. He's only got a mobile phone shop.

Bloody hell.

Dennis?

Oh, my God.

It's Kenneth Rockshots.

Leeds.

1986.

Sorry, you must be mistaken. Never been to Leeds. And my name's Malcolm.

Oh, my God.

How embarrassing.

I mean, not you being named Malcolm.

I mean, oh, I'm sorry.

Do you know when you just look at someone from one angle?

Oh, I'm really, really sorry. Not a problem.

Mind you, my friend Dennis was a looker, so it is a bit of a compliment.

Greatly accepted.

Tears. Sorry.

Noreen, have you ever had a line splash?

Well, sometimes we treat ourselves to a lemon toilet duck when

it's on special offer, don't we, son?

A lime splash. It's a non -alcoholic cocktail. Now, if we can persuade your

barman to rustle up a fresh lime, a handful of mint, and a spoonful of brown

sugar, I will, with your permission.

Blow your mind.

Don't let the salmon go to waste, Pauline.

I'm going to salt this.

Right now.

So, you don't have fresh mint or limes. What kind of bar is this? My friend,

even the straws are not fresh.

We clean them under the tap and put them back into the box.

Welcome to Benidorm.

Well, I have 50 euros here. That says you can find fresh mint and limes and

brown sugar.

Oh, and fresh straws.

Wait there.

Would you cover the bath for me, please? Ten minutes.

What's it worth?

Five euros.

Ten. Done.

I know what you're doing.

What? A bit of holiday bribery. I'm not exactly Bernie Madoff. No, I'm talking

about how appalling.

The way you treat her. The way you try and control her.

Try to control her?

That's some accusation, Jeff.

You came here uninvited.

And after everything she said to you last night, you're still hanging around

like a bad smell.

Your flight wasn't cancelled.

You're staying here to control my sister.

And I'm not going to let that happen.

That word again, control.

Do you mean the same way that you control your stepmother?

What? Her bank account, her pension, her house.

I don't know what you're talking about.

So you haven't taken charge of all her savings. You don't have her pension

transferred into your account every fortnight. You haven't put her house in

name.

Well, do you know what that was?

I mean, what's it got to do with you?

You don't understand.

She asked me to do that.

She knows all about it. Control.

You're controlling her finances and, in turn, controlling her life.

It's not true.

Pauline, your sister... I beg your pardon, your step -sister, no actual

relation, no legal obligation, is a recovering alcoholic.

Not only am I her fiancé, I'm also her sponsor. She needs me.

Yes, we have our quarrels, the occasional contretemps which results in

saying things in the heat of the moment, but I do not control her finances, I do

not control her property, and I certainly do not control her.

You bring the drinks over when they're ready.

Just a beer, please.

Coming up.

Who is it he's on the phone to?

Sharon, me dad walked over from the hotel, stopped halfway and got a phone

He's still there. Why do you think I know more about the phone call than you?

He's your dad?

Yes. That makes me fun. It doesn't make me telepathic.

He doesn't look happy.

That's hardly a clue. He never does.

Morning, ma 'am.

Morning. Hey, did you catch anything when you walked past Eddie?

Like what?

Nick? No, did you catch any of his conversation?

No, I've heard of his conversations before. I'd rather put it all to me, Ed.

You all right, Dad?

Ah, son, not bad.

Do you want a bed and have our robs?

No, son, I'll be all right in this chair.

Do you want a drink, Eddie?

No, not for me, thanks, love.

Oh, for Christ's sake, Eddie, talk about the elephant in the room, and I'm not

talking about the size of you.

Mum! Well, he's got to face a whole tube of preparation. It couldn't sort out.

What is this?

It's the cream you put up your arse when you've got hemorrhoids. I'm not talking

to you.

Dad, what's wrong?

It's Ron.

Ron Pickford.

What about him? Is he all right?

He's dead.

Guys! I'm not supposed to have any jobs going at your dad's place.

You what?

Any jobs at your dad's firm.

Not for you.

What's wrong with me?

Well, you know, I should say if there are, it should be casual labouring.

that's what I'm interested in.

Really? You'd move down south to carry brick?

I just want to start living me life.

Can make a few inquiries.

Nice one.

Cheers.

They were always there for me, everyone.

Always.

When I got expelled from school, they were there.

When I got laid off at Pitt, they were there.

When I married, packed her bags and left me, they were there.

When I fell off our roof and broke both legs looking for Channel 5.

You were there.

I don't know about a best mate. This from Pickford sounds like a bloody jinx.

Loretta? Mum, for heaven's sake, the man's dead.

Yeah, well, maybe now, Ed, his luck will start improving for a change.

I wouldn't expect you to understand, Loretta.

It's a bond between two best mates that no woman could ever fully comprehend.

Charmy, I've seen Brokeback Mountain.

Not all the way through.

I turned it over to Saturday Night Takeaway when they started bumming in

tent. But I got the gist. You disgust me.

The feeling's pretty mutual, Eddie, believe me.

I'm mourning the loss of my best friend.

And you were talking about two men bumming in a tent.

Shame on you.

Dad?

Dad?

Come in. Whoever it is, I hope you brought a couple of big lads with you.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, Monty, it's you. I'm sorry, I've just fired off a global.

Yeah, it's always tricky in a room with no windows.

Would you like me to leave the door open? Oh, no, no, no. Come in.

I sent out a global, an email, asking if somebody could bring me a couple of

strong boys.

Really? I could come back.

Oh, goodness sake, sit down.

I'm changing my desk and some office furniture. It's all been in a basement

weeks.

How are you?

Not bad.

Almost recovered from Barcelona.

You haven't mentioned Barcelona to anyone.

Of course I haven't.

As I told you, I can't guarantee that nobody saw me crawling out of your room

the next morning.

My back was destroyed that night.

I'm sorry you had to sleep on the floor, Monty. I'm all for a kiss and a cuddle,

but... I can't share a bed.

Unless I have some kind of...

I drove 300 miles from Benidorm. I would have thought that showed a modicum of

enthusiasm. You know what I'm saying.

Joyce, I don't know what you want. We've been seeing each other on and off for

well over a year now.

Exactly. On and off.

I'm not willing to settle for the soft option. At my age, I need something rock

solid. And at my age, I need two weeks' notice.

Preferably in writing.

I'm sorry?

Oh, Joyce.

If you don't know...

How I feel about you now, you never will.

Oh.

I must guess I got it.

Ah! Oh!

Oh, Mr Bersovage. My back! It's gone again!

Ah!

Are you sure it were a cell phone group?

I mean, don't Alcoholics Anonymous all fit in a circle as well?

Oh, no, I don't think they do.

Or else they wouldn't be very anonymous, would they, if they could all see each

other. I don't think Liam's an alcoholic.

We'd know.

No, the best ones are the ones you can't tell.

Yeah, I know what you mean, Sam, but I'm not sure I'd describe functioning

alcoholics as the best ones.

Mind you, now you mention it, he has just changed to a coconut shampoo.

Do you think that's to hide the smell of Malibu? Hang on, hang on. I thought you

heard them talking about Liam's life story. Yeah, I did.

Oh, it would be enough to drive anyone to drink.

Poor Liam.

Well, I'm giving him the rest of the week off.

Hang on a minute, you can't do that. What about me?

What happened to poor Liam?

Yeah, what happened to poor Liam? Oh, what's happened to him now?

Look, Liam is obviously coping very well with his past and I just think we need

to... You all right?

What's going on?

Nothing, nothing.

Any luck at the cash and carry?

No, they said they didn't have any left -handed combs and they've never heard of

Skyhook. Oh, never mind.

I'll send them from the UK when I get back.

Hang on a minute, left -handed combs. But we're all right -handed. Are we

on new staff?

Oh, you must be Jacob,

11 o 'clock.

Hiya, Jacob, come and sit down. Oh, no, we aren't. I'll do Jacob for you.

It's OK, I was expecting him. Just over here, Jacob. Let's give them lovely

locks a little rinse for you. No, no, no, you have a sit down, Liam.

I don't want a sit down. I'm going to make you a lovely cup of tea and later

I'm going to buy you lunch in the indoor market.

Fat Lenny's got lamb shanks on today.

I brought a sandwich in from home.

And I'm going to get you a magazine, Italian Vogue.

No, you won't take a break.

Oh, God, this air's in lovely condition, Jacob.

Was it Liam who did you before?

Yes, it was me who did Jacob before.

Oh, he's done a lovely job.

I always say you won't get a better cut than our Liam.

He makes me feel like Fred Dibner.

Too fast.

Not too fast. We have taken one hour to get you here.

Why did you not use a wheelchair?

Because I'm not an invalid.

Theo, be careful.

If you had come here in the first place and was not making jiggy -jiggy in your

office, none of this would have happened.

Jiggy -jiggy? How dare you?

Oh, it's locked again, my bag. My bag is locked again.

I do not stand for this.

What on earth is it you're doing?

Well, it is up to you. Would you want to be getting your new furniture today or

not?

The office. The furniture.

For God's sake, will you shut up?

Will you be getting it today or not?

Stay teasing. I very much doubt it.

Oh, the office furniture. Yes, yes, just get on with it.

Okay. And remember, if you need anything at all, don't call me. Call a doctor.

For God's sake.

You can't just pity a morphing.

Sorry, that came out wrong. You can do what you like, obviously.

What I mean is, what do you want you to pity a depressed on your holidays?

Ron Pickford.

Hang on a minute.

He didn't have a daughter, did he?

Victoria, Vicky Pickford. He had nobody.

Vicky Pickford.

Bloody hell.

I didn't learn much at school, but Vicky Pickford taught me a thing or two.

Very advanced for a year, Vicky, and I don't mean in her schoolwork, unless you

count biology.

I'll never forget one Christmas, just before my 15th birthday, me and Vicky

in her dad's garage in his car.

We'd start the engine to keep warm, not that we weren't making our own efforts

in that department.

Anyway, Vicky's in the driving seat in more ways than one, and she starts

dragging me over onto her side of the car.

I must have nudged the car into gear with me knee. Anyway, Vicky's dad comes

bursting into the garage, screaming blue murder.

Vicky's foot goes down on the accelerator and shunts the car forward,

right through the garage, dumping the front of their Vauxhall Nova into a

coy car pond.

Meanwhile, my passenger door is jammed and I've had to scramble out the window

like jukes of acid.

He started to chase me. He didn't stand a chance. He was a right fat

bastard, Mr Pickford.

Sorry, did he say he had a daughter or not?

No family.

No friend.

Well, just me.

He died three days ago.

Council.

cremated him today in an empty church.

I forgot to charge my mobile.

You fancy a walk along the front?

Ah.

I shouldn't have to be nice.

Right, Pauline and I are going to go on a walk to have our quiet time, so both

our phones will be switched off.

Do you actually want to go for the walk, Pauline?

Tempting as it is to sit here, listening to you farting and complaining about

the quality of the daytime snacks, I think a bracing walk along the coastal

to Albia is just what the doctor ordered.

Good girl, though. Who needs a doctor when you've got me to take care of you?

Quite. Right. Best foot forward.

Hasta luego.

Mother, if you do need me for any reason... Pauline.

Shh. Quiet time.

Come on.

Unbelievable. What is?

She seems happy enough.

Happy? The man's a lunatic.

Why? Because he wanted to go for a quiet walk.

No.

Because he's controlling how appalling like a puppet on a string.

Oh, I used to love Justice Springfield.

What? Like a puppet on a string.

That was Sunday show.

No, son. I think you'll find it was just... This is Springfield.

Puppets on a string, Sandy Shaw.

Eurovision Song Contest winner, 1967.

Why will you never be told?

When you say Malcolm controls Pauline, what exactly do you mean by

that? I mean, he's someone who's passive -aggressive.

Won't allow others to think for themselves, for ever telling people that

wrong because they're always claiming to be right.

Sounds familiar.

Nothing more exciting than labouring?

No.

All right, I'll ask him and he can think about it.

Hang on, he just said labouring would be OK.

Great. Thanks, Dad.

Oh, Dad, can you pick us up on Wednesday from Luton?

You're a star.

My hero.

All right, see you. Love you, Dad.

Oh, sweet.

Amazing. Thank you so much. Thank me after your first week's work.

You still live up north, don't you, Rob?

Yeah. So you're going to, like, relocate? There's a long way to go home

dinner.

Why don't you come and live with me?

You got a spare room?

Yeah, Mum.

Ladies and gentlemen, the three musketeers are together at last.

Oh, I'll drink to that.

Cheers.

Hi, boys.

Joey.

I don't like taking sides, but you were out of order.

Out of order?

Me?

How was I out of order? I've never bloody heard of Ron Pickford. I didn't

what he was talking about.

I'm not going to go on about it. You don't have to tell me how much Eddie

people up, but the man is mourning.

He's always bloody mourning.

Mourning, not moaning.

So you'll apologise, then? To who?

Who do you think?

Well, not Ron Pickford. He's dead.

Mum, you're doing it on purpose now. He's...

Absolutely loving this. Everybody feeling sorry for poor little Eddie.

You watch, you won't be able to scratch your left hip without him mentioning Ron

Pickford. Is that your left hip you're scratching?

Oh, Ron Pickford had tits. Mam, what are you reading? Is that a paper?

Ron Pickford used to read the paper.

Leave it now. Oh, I just met a man called John. That rhymes with Ron. Did I

mention my friend John Pickford?

He died, you know. Right, stop it now.

What's going on?

Nothing. Nothing's going on.

Listen.

Mam, I'm leaving university.

What do you mean you're leaving university?

I'm... Leaving university because I hate it.

And I'm no good at it.

Tiger's dad's offered me a job. Doing what?

Labouring on a building site.

You don't go to university to get a job labouring on a building site. Exactly,

that's why I'm leaving university.

You just wait till your father hears about this. What's he going to do?

What are you going to do?

It's my life and I'm going to live it exactly the way I want to. The way I'm

living it right now, I may as well be dead.

Don't you dare

Where's my 50 euros for the fresh mint today?

I don't think so.

You said 50 euros.

No problem. I'll give the 50 euros to your boss and tell her that you've been

charging people for drinks in an all -inclusive hotel.

OK, forget it. Just forget it.

Hello again.

Goodbye. Hang on a minute.

I just wanted to apologise for earlier today.

Not a problem. Easy mistake to make.

Yeah, very easy.

Because you look exactly like Dennis Walker.

My first shag.

Charmed, I'm sure.

No, I mean exactly like him.

Might be 30 years, but you never forget your first, do you?

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll get back to my family.

We met in a nightclub called Rock Shops in Leeds.

Vince was a few years older than me, but took me back to his place and we had an

unforgettable night.

Then in the morning, still drunk, we both went and got tattoos together.

a charming story.

But as you heard earlier, my name's Malcolm, not Dennis.

I have never been to Leeds. I have no tattoos. I am not and never have been a

practicing homosexual.

But of course, the memory of a drunken one -night stand 30 years ago clearly

eclipsed all of those cast -iron facts.

Well?

I'm sorry.

I could have sworn that I...

Sorry. Unbelievable.

Everything OK?

No.

I've just made a complete... I'm off the dickhead of me health.

Here.

Oh, God, Grandad's brandy. Sorry.

I got a bit more information from council.

Council? Yeah, about Ron Pickford's death.

Oh, right.

Here we go again.

Shut up.

He died of an asthma attack.

They found him at Borough Mary Stairs.

Loads of hell.

I know.

I knew his neighbours had complained about him running up and down them for

hours on end.

Right.

Sorry, why was he doing that?

He was in training for Bradford Half Marathon.

Shall we go and sit in that other bar? It's quieter in there.

No, son.

I'd be better off in a livelier place.

Here you go, Grandad.

Sure you don't want one, Nana? Because I'm sitting down now.

I'm fine.

Right, brain of Britain.

Let's put this to bed now. No way are you jacking in university to go and work

on a building site in bloody London.

It's my decision, and it's not London, it's Watford. Why would anybody want to

live in Watford?

You worked so hard to get into university, love. They're killing your

prospects stone dead.

My career prospects are dead. Believe me, dead and buried.

How are they dead and buried? Doesn't matter. I just want to live a life, a

life, in the real world.

On a building site in Watford. Why not?

At least I wouldn't be stuck in a sweaty lecture room suffocating, fighting for

breath. You've only got another two years to go.

Dad, life is a marathon, not a sprint.

Hopefully, I will have that drink out of Robert. Oh, for God's sake, what did I

say? Up and down, up and down, up and down. Are you trying to kill me?

Dad.

What's wrong with him?

Didn't you hear?

Ron Pickford's dead.

Who's Ron Pickford?

I'm sorry, Liam, you're having the rest of the week off and that is final.

Are you sure?

And you're going to need some time off because we've all chipped in and bought

you a spa day at that posh wellness clinic in Albia.

What's all this for?

Just because we love you.

Oh, I don't know what to say.

OK, another round of Coca -Cola. Yes, that's right. Thank you, Matteo.

Why are we all drinking Coke after Malibu?

We don't need to have alcohol to have a good time.

Liam.

We know everything.

Which means?

This morning, I accidentally overheard your life story.

Oh, Liam, love, you know I'm not one to gossip.

We all care about you so much.

My life story?

Yeah, and as you know from your little early morning self -help group at Blow &

Go. Early morning self -help group?

Yeah. And Blow & Go?

Yeah. Oh, dear.

I think you got the wrong end of the stick.

How are you, mate? You're doing the right thing.

I am, aren't I?

Definitely. Neither of us went to university.

Look at us.

And you've definitely got a spare room I can rent. A spare room?

No, mate. I ain't got a spare room.

You said you did.

Earlier today, I asked you if you've got a spare room, and you said yes.

Oh, sorry, bro. I thought you said some spare room.

Some spare room. Yeah, I've got some spare room in my box room.

Box room.

Mate, why do you keep repeating everything he says?

If you've got a box room, where is the spare room?

Kind of the space above the bed.

So, apart from learning to levitate, I'd be sharing a bed with you.

Yeah, I suppose.

But I'm cool with that. I've just got to ring my mum. Why do you have to ring

your mum?

It's only polite.

It's her house, isn't it?

No, it makes... Total fence.

I live here with you, rent out my beachfront apartment, and the money from

alone means I don't have to work.

We don't have to work.

Well, I mean, obviously, you have to work, so let us have this place here.

But what I mean is... Oh, God, don't fall for it, love. He's been through

the women at the Bell Toro this morning.

Sorry. Oh, God, no, not you. We're trying to have a private conversation

Do you know this woman?

No, me.

He slimed around me this morning over breakfast.

Breakfast? I'm surprised you've let him in here after the things he said about

this hotel.

What did he say? Do you mind leaving us alone?

He said he wouldn't kennel his dog in here and the people who stay here are

peasants. What I meant by that was... And then he offered to show me what he

and asked me if I'd go all the way.

Fuck! Get out!

Get out of my hotel! Get out! Get out!

Book club?

Yeah. A frigging book club? Yes.

And half past eight in the morning?

Best part of the day, that.

How would you know? You're always in bed at that time.

That's what I mean.

So we've all been running round like blue -arse flies after you, and all

those two old biddies were talking about a bloody character in a book.

Why don't we take this back for a start? I'm gone. What am I going to do with my

week off?

Oh, no, I'm sorry, Liam. I'm going to have to withdraw that week off. Oh,

brilliant. Thanks.

Sounds a fabulous book, though.

Oh, that main character goes through some stuff, doesn't he? Oh, it's

It's ages since I lost myself in a novel like this.

Donald was once the main character in a book.

Oh, really? What kind of book?

Pop -Up.

It was withdrawn from circulation in the end.

If you opened it too quickly, it almost had your eye out.

Oh, hello, is that reception?

Oh, hiya, Nev.

Listen, love, I was wondering if you could do a little favour for me.

To Malcolm and Pauline.

Malcolm and Pauline.

I'm sorry.

I still don't know how we've gone from last night to this.

You've never been in a committed relationship, have you, Geoff?

Yes, I have, actually.

I mean one that you could time with a calendar as opposed to a stopwatch.

He had a girlfriend, did you?

Rubella.

You know her.

Well, it would appear I owe you an apology, Jeff.

I met her on the internet.

You saw her for a good two or three days, didn't you?

Ah, apology retracted.

Listen to me. No, you listen to me.

It's quite clear this family lacks a figurehead. Now, I like you, Jeff.

I do. But you're not a born leader. You're a follower, an auxiliary, an aid

camp, if you will.

But I feel in time, as we become more comfortable with one another as a

with patience and faith, we can be as one.

One life.

One love.

All right, Bob Marley.

Before you get too carried away, I think we should hear what our Pauline has to

say about all this.

Relationships are difficult.

Yeah. And yesterday...

I was in a bad place, but today, today I see things more clearly.

Good girl.

Will you stop being so ruffian?

Malcolm, I need someone to help me with not only my sobriety, but

my overall well -being.

I need someone I can rely on.

I need someone I can respect. But above all, I need someone I

trust.

And I've decided, after much thought, that person...

is you.

Pauline.

Come here. Come on. Come with me.

Hang on a minute.

Oh, Christ, what do you want now?

I never said it was a one -night stand.

What? When I told you I thought you were Dennis Walker from Leeds, I told you

Dennis was my first shag.

I didn't say it was a one -night stand.

How did you know that if you're not Dennis Walker? I refuse to dignify this

ludicrous accusation with an answer.

Why not? Because the man is clearly deranged. I mean, look how he's dressed.

I think he looks smashing.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Pauline, I think we're due a little...

Quiet time.

All right.

If you're not Dennis Walker from Leeds, my first jag from 30 years ago, you

won't have a tattoo like this on your bum.

Oh! Boy, Kenneth across it.

Pauline, we're leaving. This is preposterous.

No, you're not.

I'll take your kegs down.

Thank you, pardon.

You heard him. You really are Malcolm Barrett, and sure as you'd ask.

Do you know where he can prove that you're not lying? I'm sorry, are you

going to stand there and let these people behave like animals?

More drinks, anyone?

Tonight's special cocktail is a mojito, as we have so much fresh mint.

We can settle this very easily. You say his name is Dennis... Walker.

He says he's Malcolm Barrett.

Go and get your passport. This is pure farce. Go and get your passport.

Actually, love, there's no need.

Neville, did you get a copy of this gentleman's passport for reception like

asked? Aye, I did, Kenneth.

The name of the passport is Malcolm Barrett. Thank you.

Now can we please get on with our evening? But people can change their

Stephen's above.

Look, mistaken identity is one thing, but now you are becoming a menace. Just

walk away and leave us in peace.

You've made a mistake, love.

Just go and sit down.

Stay right where you are.

I'm sorry?

Apology accepted.

I'm not talking to you!

You can change your name.

You can't change where you're born.

Name? Malcolm Barrett.

Place of birth?

Leeds, West Yorkshire. Get up, Ian!

Somebody call the police!

Get off me! Get off me!

Malcolm!

Dennis, you mean.

Get off me!

Pauline, I can explain everything.

You're nothing but a fake.

Pauline, think about it.

Who do you believe?

Them?

Or me?

Sorry, pal.

This fell out of your pocket while we were pulling your checks down.

It's strong stuff.

For the tea to alter.

Get out of this hotel.

Get out of this country.

And get out of my life!

I told you, I never forget a face.

Especially one of that on.

Well,

what do we do now?

We go on, Mother.

That's what we do.

We go on.

And if you think that I'm still holding on to something you should go and

love yourself.

Thank you.