All language subtitles for Benidorm s09e08.eng

I'm sorry to move so many of you around
this morning, but as you know,

yesterday, the whole of Benidorm was
alcohol -free for the Feast of San

In precisely 30 seconds, the ban will be
lifted. Are there any questions?

Miss Temple Savage, I am the first one
to say the British drink too much. But

there has only been a ban on alcohol for
24 hours.

I really do not think there is such a
thing.

I'll be in my office.

No joy? Right, try this.

Capital L, O, A, D, O, F, O,

L, D, capital S, capital H, capital I,
capital T.

Don't think that's the Wi -Fi password.

Why not?

Because you've just spelt out the words,
load of old shit.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, that's a review for
the Polish -Italian.

I'm going to have to bring my specs in
tomorrow.

I can't believe you don't know your own
Wi -Fi password.

Well, baby Jesus keeps changing it.
Apparently he's very security conscious

a ten -year -old.

Whatever, forget it.

Do you want to use my hotspot?

Depends. We're still talking about the
internet.

You should be so lucky.

Search for Sam's phone, the password
that Benidorm spelt backwards.

Bit cryptic.

But then again, you don't want just any
old Tom, Dick or Harry messing with your

hot spot.

No. I'd much rather have a Joey.

Hey, you don't want to be checking your
emails on your holidays, man.

It's exam results.

Oh, hey.

Good luck.

Thanks. I've been eating it.

Good morning, Kenneth.

Morning, Nev.

How's it going, love?

Hey, I can't smile wide enough.

Oh, do you know what? I'm fuming. I
couldn't get a drink anywhere last night

because of St. Bloody Winifred or
whatever it was.

Painter and St. Bloody Fruit Juice. Hey,
you don't need to tell me about it.

You know what? I was in bed by half past
eleven and I suddenly realised I'd

forgotten how to fall asleep.

Aye, because I've heard you usually just
crash out on a sun lounger about 5am

straight from Café B.

Exactly, Ned. I'm a creature of habit.

Hey, could you not just have a drink at
home?

Drink at home?

What do you think I am, an alcoholic?

Oh, well. I suppose it means I'll be in
work before Liam for once.

Hey, no. He's in blown go already.

You've got a few clients and all.

Never what you're talking about. We're
not open for another hour. Hey, see for

yourself.

Well... Thanks, girls.

See you Tuesday for a shampoo instead.

Thanks. Hey, knee -butter thud. How was
the exam results?

Unbelievable. Ho -ho, champion.

Hey, it's a good job the bath is open
again. You're going to want a drink.

Yeah, we wanted several.

As will me mum and dad when they find
out.

You managed to see our Geordie on that
video calling thing?

No, Wi -Fi's not working.

Typical. And there's been no movement on
the mushrooms?

On the what?

First day here, I filled out a complaint
card about the mushrooms.

Did you?

Oh, yeah.

What's wrong with them? I told you the
other day, they're tinned.

Oh, yeah.

That explains why I haven't been
sleeping.

Oh, well, no more crappy three -star
holidays for us next year with our Jodie

earning.

What do you mean by that?

Well, I mean, once she's paid her school
fees for the year, the rest is, you

know. The rest is what?

No, no, what I mean is, what if Jodie
wants to go somewhere else next year?

She'll go where we go on holiday. She's
nine.

Morning.

I know what you're getting at.

Would you ask our Rob to pay for us to
go on a fancy holiday just because he's

going to have a good job when he starts
work?

Morning to you and all.

What were all that about?

No idea.

Where is she?

She knows we've called a family meeting.

She's probably having a sleep in.

She is on her holidays.

But we're in the middle of a family
crisis.

We need to talk about Malcolm.

I'm sure I've seen something on telly
called that.

That was Kevin.

Who's Kevin? We need to talk about
Kevin. I thought you wanted to talk

Malcolm. Who's Kevin?

How many boyfriends has Pauline got?

That's probably what you saw on the
telly.

We need to talk about Kevin.

It was a film about a lad who killed all
his school friends.

Well, what about Malcolm?

Well, he hasn't killed anyone.

Not yet, anyway.

No, in the middle.

In the middle of what?

Malcolm in the middle.

That's the thing I saw on telly. Oh, for
God's sake, Mother, you are frying me

brain.

I've only just got your text.

If this is about Malcolm, I know he
didn't get on his plane.

He's gone out to find smoked salmon for
my breakfast.

Smoked salmon? Is he off his nuts?

He must be.

We couldn't even get brown sauce the
first two years we were here. No.

What I mean is, after last night, why
hasn't he gone home?

Why does he think you're even talking to
him?

Right.

Emergency family meeting called at 09
.22.

This is how a relationship works.

We have our good days and we have our
bad days.

What about all the things you said
yesterday?

That was yesterday.

You don't understand, Pauline.

You're being manipulated.

Malcolm's controlling your life. He's
controlling your mind.

Ah, yes.

Jeff Maltby, that world -renowned judge
of character.

Remind me, who is Janela, your gold
-digging ex -girlfriend?

We're just looking after your entry,
believe me.

Michael's not the person he's claiming
to be.

He's not Kevin, is he?

Who's Kevin? Just somebody our Jeff
wanted to talk about.

Success.

Still frozen but ten minutes in the sun
and Bob's your uncle. Now, let's try and

get this hotel to poach an egg.

Easy on the grains, Pauline. Remember
what we said about refined

No?

Good girl.

Ah, Stuart!

He's such a terribly sad life story.

You could tell how much it's affected
Liam.

Me as well. All the debt at school.

Terrible home life.

And a terrible mother...

On earth was she a prostitute all those
years without any of the family knowing?

Unbelievable. I don't know how the
husband coped.

The bit that really got me, though, was
the long -lost sister. Can you believe

it? Finding out you always had a sister.

Yeah. And then, when you finally meet
her, she tells you she's got two weeks

live and ends up dying in her brother's
arms. Oh, George, you'll set me off

again. Come on, Hattie, let's go to the
indoor market.

Nobody here is talented.

Okay.

Oh, yes.

Well, it all looks very impressive, but
as I said when you first sat down, I'm

not looking for a holiday home. Thank
you, Mr... I'm sorry, I forget your

Monty. Monty, where have I heard that
name before? You're not staying at the

Solana, are you? The Solana?

Good grief, no.

I've housed my dog in better
accommodation.

And the clientele there are... How can I
put this kindly?

Financially challenged?

And if you weren't being so kind?

Well, basically peasants.

No, I prefer to see my prospective
clients in hotels such as this, and when

show them what I have on offer...

They tend to go all the way.

That's where I've heard that name
before. When I was a child, my brother

snake called Monty.

Oh, how very charming.

No, it wasn't.

Horrible, small, slippery, slimy thing
it was. Tried to get into all sorts of

tight spaces where it wasn't welcome.

Tight spaces?

I should be so lucky.

And so would you, I imagine.

Well, I won't keep you any longer.

Adios, Monty.

Better luck next time.

Hello.

There you are.

Just been upstairs looking for you. Are
we open already? I was just about to

come over. Oh, behave. I don't give a
tot about that. It's Liam.

What's then?

Oh, is it lunchtime already?

I'll have one of them footlong hot dogs.
No, it's still early.

Will you two just listen to me?

I've always wondered why he's a bit odd,
but... Oh, God, you're not going to

bloody believe this.

I'm going to go and get some drink. No,
no, it's all right, I'll go.

I need a bacon butty as well, before
breakfast closes.

And I said to Graham...

Experiencing a synchronistic moment that
unlocks something which was hidden

within you is like a naked man trying to
light a fire in the rain.

Completely matchless.

Welcome. We'd like to talk about last
night.

Geoff, mate, no need to apologise. I
realised a long time ago a grudge is an

investment with zero return.

I forgive you.

You.

Forgive me. Would anybody like a drink?

Well, you sound surprised, Geoff.
Although it has to be said, contrition

to be a rare commodity these days.

Excuse me, love. How long ago did you
get that bacon?

Oh, not long since.

They had plenty. Have they run out?

I knew it. They're always doing this.

I'm sure they take it back and sell it
in Norwich in the indoor market. Funny

how he only does bacon rolls after half
past ten.

Wouldn't mind. He's only got a mobile
phone shop.

Bloody hell.

Dennis?

Oh, my God.

It's Kenneth Rockshots.

Leeds.

1986.

Sorry, you must be mistaken. Never been
to Leeds. And my name's Malcolm.

Oh, my God.

How embarrassing.

I mean, not you being named Malcolm.

I mean, oh, I'm sorry.

Do you know when you just look at
someone from one angle?

Oh, I'm really, really sorry. Not a
problem.

Mind you, my friend Dennis was a looker,
so it is a bit of a compliment.

Greatly accepted.

Tears. Sorry.

Noreen, have you ever had a line splash?

Well, sometimes we treat ourselves to a
lemon toilet duck when

it's on special offer, don't we, son?

A lime splash. It's a non -alcoholic
cocktail. Now, if we can persuade your

barman to rustle up a fresh lime, a
handful of mint, and a spoonful of brown

sugar, I will, with your permission.

Blow your mind.

Don't let the salmon go to waste,
Pauline.

I'm going to salt this.

Right now.

So, you don't have fresh mint or limes.
What kind of bar is this? My friend,

even the straws are not fresh.

We clean them under the tap and put them
back into the box.

Welcome to Benidorm.

Well, I have 50 euros here. That says
you can find fresh mint and limes and

brown sugar.

Oh, and fresh straws.

Wait there.

Would you cover the bath for me, please?
Ten minutes.

What's it worth?

Five euros.

Ten. Done.

I know what you're doing.

What? A bit of holiday bribery. I'm not
exactly Bernie Madoff. No, I'm talking

about how appalling.

The way you treat her. The way you try
and control her.

Try to control her?

That's some accusation, Jeff.

You came here uninvited.

And after everything she said to you
last night, you're still hanging around

like a bad smell.

Your flight wasn't cancelled.

You're staying here to control my
sister.

And I'm not going to let that happen.

That word again, control.

Do you mean the same way that you
control your stepmother?

What? Her bank account, her pension, her
house.

I don't know what you're talking about.

So you haven't taken charge of all her
savings. You don't have her pension

transferred into your account every
fortnight. You haven't put her house in

name.

Well, do you know what that was?

I mean, what's it got to do with you?

You don't understand.

She asked me to do that.

She knows all about it. Control.

You're controlling her finances and, in
turn, controlling her life.

It's not true.

Pauline, your sister... I beg your
pardon, your step -sister, no actual

relation, no legal obligation, is a
recovering alcoholic.

Not only am I her fiancé, I'm also her
sponsor. She needs me.

Yes, we have our quarrels, the
occasional contretemps which results in

saying things in the heat of the moment,
but I do not control her finances, I do

not control her property, and I
certainly do not control her.

You bring the drinks over when they're
ready.

Just a beer, please.

Coming up.

Who is it he's on the phone to?

Sharon, me dad walked over from the
hotel, stopped halfway and got a phone

He's still there. Why do you think I
know more about the phone call than you?

He's your dad?

Yes. That makes me fun. It doesn't make
me telepathic.

He doesn't look happy.

That's hardly a clue. He never does.

Morning, ma 'am.

Morning. Hey, did you catch anything
when you walked past Eddie?

Like what?

Nick? No, did you catch any of his
conversation?

No, I've heard of his conversations
before. I'd rather put it all to me, Ed.

You all right, Dad?

Ah, son, not bad.

Do you want a bed and have our robs?

No, son, I'll be all right in this
chair.

Do you want a drink, Eddie?

No, not for me, thanks, love.

Oh, for Christ's sake, Eddie, talk about
the elephant in the room, and I'm not

talking about the size of you.

Mum! Well, he's got to face a whole tube
of preparation. It couldn't sort out.

What is this?

It's the cream you put up your arse when
you've got hemorrhoids. I'm not talking

to you.

Dad, what's wrong?

It's Ron.

Ron Pickford.

What about him? Is he all right?

He's dead.

Guys! I'm not supposed to have any jobs
going at your dad's place.

You what?

Any jobs at your dad's firm.

Not for you.

What's wrong with me?

Well, you know, I should say if there
are, it should be casual labouring.

that's what I'm interested in.

Really? You'd move down south to carry
brick?

I just want to start living me life.

Can make a few inquiries.

Nice one.

Cheers.

They were always there for me, everyone.

Always.

When I got expelled from school, they
were there.

When I got laid off at Pitt, they were
there.

When I married, packed her bags and left
me, they were there.

When I fell off our roof and broke both
legs looking for Channel 5.

You were there.

I don't know about a best mate. This
from Pickford sounds like a bloody jinx.

Loretta? Mum, for heaven's sake, the
man's dead.

Yeah, well, maybe now, Ed, his luck will
start improving for a change.

I wouldn't expect you to understand,
Loretta.

It's a bond between two best mates that
no woman could ever fully comprehend.

Charmy, I've seen Brokeback Mountain.

Not all the way through.

I turned it over to Saturday Night
Takeaway when they started bumming in

tent. But I got the gist. You disgust
me.

The feeling's pretty mutual, Eddie,
believe me.

I'm mourning the loss of my best friend.

And you were talking about two men
bumming in a tent.

Shame on you.

Dad?

Dad?

Come in. Whoever it is, I hope you
brought a couple of big lads with you.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, Monty, it's you. I'm sorry, I've
just fired off a global.

Yeah, it's always tricky in a room with
no windows.

Would you like me to leave the door
open? Oh, no, no, no. Come in.

I sent out a global, an email, asking if
somebody could bring me a couple of

strong boys.

Really? I could come back.

Oh, goodness sake, sit down.

I'm changing my desk and some office
furniture. It's all been in a basement

weeks.

How are you?

Not bad.

Almost recovered from Barcelona.

You haven't mentioned Barcelona to
anyone.

Of course I haven't.

As I told you, I can't guarantee that
nobody saw me crawling out of your room

the next morning.

My back was destroyed that night.

I'm sorry you had to sleep on the floor,
Monty. I'm all for a kiss and a cuddle,

but... I can't share a bed.

Unless I have some kind of...

I drove 300 miles from Benidorm. I would
have thought that showed a modicum of

enthusiasm. You know what I'm saying.

Joyce, I don't know what you want. We've
been seeing each other on and off for

well over a year now.

Exactly. On and off.

I'm not willing to settle for the soft
option. At my age, I need something rock

solid. And at my age, I need two weeks'
notice.

Preferably in writing.

I'm sorry?

Oh, Joyce.

If you don't know...

How I feel about you now, you never
will.

Oh.

I must guess I got it.

Ah! Oh!

Oh, Mr Bersovage. My back! It's gone
again!

Ah!

Are you sure it were a cell phone group?

I mean, don't Alcoholics Anonymous all
fit in a circle as well?

Oh, no, I don't think they do.

Or else they wouldn't be very anonymous,
would they, if they could all see each

other. I don't think Liam's an
alcoholic.

We'd know.

No, the best ones are the ones you can't
tell.

Yeah, I know what you mean, Sam, but I'm
not sure I'd describe functioning

alcoholics as the best ones.

Mind you, now you mention it, he has
just changed to a coconut shampoo.

Do you think that's to hide the smell of
Malibu? Hang on, hang on. I thought you

heard them talking about Liam's life
story. Yeah, I did.

Oh, it would be enough to drive anyone
to drink.

Poor Liam.

Well, I'm giving him the rest of the
week off.

Hang on a minute, you can't do that.
What about me?

What happened to poor Liam?

Yeah, what happened to poor Liam? Oh,
what's happened to him now?

Look, Liam is obviously coping very well
with his past and I just think we need

to... You all right?

What's going on?

Nothing, nothing.

Any luck at the cash and carry?

No, they said they didn't have any left
-handed combs and they've never heard of

Skyhook. Oh, never mind.

I'll send them from the UK when I get
back.

Hang on a minute, left -handed combs.
But we're all right -handed. Are we

on new staff?

Oh, you must be Jacob,

11 o 'clock.

Hiya, Jacob, come and sit down. Oh, no,
we aren't. I'll do Jacob for you.

It's OK, I was expecting him. Just over
here, Jacob. Let's give them lovely

locks a little rinse for you. No, no,
no, you have a sit down, Liam.

I don't want a sit down. I'm going to
make you a lovely cup of tea and later

I'm going to buy you lunch in the indoor
market.

Fat Lenny's got lamb shanks on today.

I brought a sandwich in from home.

And I'm going to get you a magazine,
Italian Vogue.

No, you won't take a break.

Oh, God, this air's in lovely condition,
Jacob.

Was it Liam who did you before?

Yes, it was me who did Jacob before.

Oh, he's done a lovely job.

I always say you won't get a better cut
than our Liam.

He makes me feel like Fred Dibner.

Too fast.

Not too fast. We have taken one hour to
get you here.

Why did you not use a wheelchair?

Because I'm not an invalid.

Theo, be careful.

If you had come here in the first place
and was not making jiggy -jiggy in your

office, none of this would have
happened.

Jiggy -jiggy? How dare you?

Oh, it's locked again, my bag. My bag is
locked again.

I do not stand for this.

What on earth is it you're doing?

Well, it is up to you. Would you want to
be getting your new furniture today or

not?

The office. The furniture.

For God's sake, will you shut up?

Will you be getting it today or not?

Stay teasing. I very much doubt it.

Oh, the office furniture. Yes, yes, just
get on with it.

Okay. And remember, if you need anything
at all, don't call me. Call a doctor.

For God's sake.

You can't just pity a morphing.

Sorry, that came out wrong. You can do
what you like, obviously.

What I mean is, what do you want you to
pity a depressed on your holidays?

Ron Pickford.

Hang on a minute.

He didn't have a daughter, did he?

Victoria, Vicky Pickford. He had nobody.

Vicky Pickford.

Bloody hell.

I didn't learn much at school, but Vicky
Pickford taught me a thing or two.

Very advanced for a year, Vicky, and I
don't mean in her schoolwork, unless you

count biology.

I'll never forget one Christmas, just
before my 15th birthday, me and Vicky

in her dad's garage in his car.

We'd start the engine to keep warm, not
that we weren't making our own efforts

in that department.

Anyway, Vicky's in the driving seat in
more ways than one, and she starts

dragging me over onto her side of the
car.

I must have nudged the car into gear
with me knee. Anyway, Vicky's dad comes

bursting into the garage, screaming blue
murder.

Vicky's foot goes down on the
accelerator and shunts the car forward,

right through the garage, dumping the
front of their Vauxhall Nova into a

coy car pond.

Meanwhile, my passenger door is jammed
and I've had to scramble out the window

like jukes of acid.

He started to chase me. He didn't stand
a chance. He was a right fat

bastard, Mr Pickford.

Sorry, did he say he had a daughter or
not?

No family.

No friend.

Well, just me.

He died three days ago.

Council.

cremated him today in an empty church.

I forgot to charge my mobile.

You fancy a walk along the front?

Ah.

I shouldn't have to be nice.

Right, Pauline and I are going to go on
a walk to have our quiet time, so both

our phones will be switched off.

Do you actually want to go for the walk,
Pauline?

Tempting as it is to sit here, listening
to you farting and complaining about

the quality of the daytime snacks, I
think a bracing walk along the coastal

to Albia is just what the doctor
ordered.

Good girl, though. Who needs a doctor
when you've got me to take care of you?

Quite. Right. Best foot forward.

Hasta luego.

Mother, if you do need me for any
reason... Pauline.

Shh. Quiet time.

Come on.

Unbelievable. What is?

She seems happy enough.

Happy? The man's a lunatic.

Why? Because he wanted to go for a quiet
walk.

No.

Because he's controlling how appalling
like a puppet on a string.

Oh, I used to love Justice Springfield.

What? Like a puppet on a string.

That was Sunday show.

No, son. I think you'll find it was
just... This is Springfield.

Puppets on a string, Sandy Shaw.

Eurovision Song Contest winner, 1967.

Why will you never be told?

When you say Malcolm controls Pauline,
what exactly do you mean by

that? I mean, he's someone who's passive
-aggressive.

Won't allow others to think for
themselves, for ever telling people that

wrong because they're always claiming to
be right.

Sounds familiar.

Nothing more exciting than labouring?

No.

All right, I'll ask him and he can think
about it.

Hang on, he just said labouring would be
OK.

Great. Thanks, Dad.

Oh, Dad, can you pick us up on Wednesday
from Luton?

You're a star.

My hero.

All right, see you. Love you, Dad.

Oh, sweet.

Amazing. Thank you so much. Thank me
after your first week's work.

You still live up north, don't you, Rob?

Yeah. So you're going to, like,
relocate? There's a long way to go home

dinner.

Why don't you come and live with me?

You got a spare room?

Yeah, Mum.

Ladies and gentlemen, the three
musketeers are together at last.

Oh, I'll drink to that.

Cheers.

Hi, boys.

Joey.

I don't like taking sides, but you were
out of order.

Out of order?

Me?

How was I out of order? I've never
bloody heard of Ron Pickford. I didn't

what he was talking about.

I'm not going to go on about it. You
don't have to tell me how much Eddie

people up, but the man is mourning.

He's always bloody mourning.

Mourning, not moaning.

So you'll apologise, then? To who?

Who do you think?

Well, not Ron Pickford. He's dead.

Mum, you're doing it on purpose now.
He's...

Absolutely loving this. Everybody
feeling sorry for poor little Eddie.

You watch, you won't be able to scratch
your left hip without him mentioning Ron

Pickford. Is that your left hip you're
scratching?

Oh, Ron Pickford had tits. Mam, what are
you reading? Is that a paper?

Ron Pickford used to read the paper.

Leave it now. Oh, I just met a man
called John. That rhymes with Ron. Did I

mention my friend John Pickford?

He died, you know. Right, stop it now.

What's going on?

Nothing. Nothing's going on.

Listen.

Mam, I'm leaving university.

What do you mean you're leaving
university?

I'm... Leaving university because I hate
it.

And I'm no good at it.

Tiger's dad's offered me a job. Doing
what?

Labouring on a building site.

You don't go to university to get a job
labouring on a building site. Exactly,

that's why I'm leaving university.

You just wait till your father hears
about this. What's he going to do?

What are you going to do?

It's my life and I'm going to live it
exactly the way I want to. The way I'm

living it right now, I may as well be
dead.

Don't you dare

Where's my 50 euros for the fresh mint
today?

I don't think so.

You said 50 euros.

No problem. I'll give the 50 euros to
your boss and tell her that you've been

charging people for drinks in an all
-inclusive hotel.

OK, forget it. Just forget it.

Hello again.

Goodbye. Hang on a minute.

I just wanted to apologise for earlier
today.

Not a problem. Easy mistake to make.

Yeah, very easy.

Because you look exactly like Dennis
Walker.

My first shag.

Charmed, I'm sure.

No, I mean exactly like him.

Might be 30 years, but you never forget
your first, do you?

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll get back
to my family.

We met in a nightclub called Rock Shops
in Leeds.

Vince was a few years older than me, but
took me back to his place and we had an

unforgettable night.

Then in the morning, still drunk, we
both went and got tattoos together.

a charming story.

But as you heard earlier, my name's
Malcolm, not Dennis.

I have never been to Leeds. I have no
tattoos. I am not and never have been a

practicing homosexual.

But of course, the memory of a drunken
one -night stand 30 years ago clearly

eclipsed all of those cast -iron facts.

Well?

I'm sorry.

I could have sworn that I...

Sorry. Unbelievable.

Everything OK?

No.

I've just made a complete... I'm off the
dickhead of me health.

Here.

Oh, God, Grandad's brandy. Sorry.

I got a bit more information from
council.

Council? Yeah, about Ron Pickford's
death.

Oh, right.

Here we go again.

Shut up.

He died of an asthma attack.

They found him at Borough Mary Stairs.

Loads of hell.

I know.

I knew his neighbours had complained
about him running up and down them for

hours on end.

Right.

Sorry, why was he doing that?

He was in training for Bradford Half
Marathon.

Shall we go and sit in that other bar?
It's quieter in there.

No, son.

I'd be better off in a livelier place.

Here you go, Grandad.

Sure you don't want one, Nana? Because
I'm sitting down now.

I'm fine.

Right, brain of Britain.

Let's put this to bed now. No way are
you jacking in university to go and work

on a building site in bloody London.

It's my decision, and it's not London,
it's Watford. Why would anybody want to

live in Watford?

You worked so hard to get into
university, love. They're killing your

prospects stone dead.

My career prospects are dead. Believe
me, dead and buried.

How are they dead and buried? Doesn't
matter. I just want to live a life, a

life, in the real world.

On a building site in Watford. Why not?

At least I wouldn't be stuck in a sweaty
lecture room suffocating, fighting for

breath. You've only got another two
years to go.

Dad, life is a marathon, not a sprint.

Hopefully, I will have that drink out of
Robert. Oh, for God's sake, what did I

say? Up and down, up and down, up and
down. Are you trying to kill me?

Dad.

What's wrong with him?

Didn't you hear?

Ron Pickford's dead.

Who's Ron Pickford?

I'm sorry, Liam, you're having the rest
of the week off and that is final.

Are you sure?

And you're going to need some time off
because we've all chipped in and bought

you a spa day at that posh wellness
clinic in Albia.

What's all this for?

Just because we love you.

Oh, I don't know what to say.

OK, another round of Coca -Cola. Yes,
that's right. Thank you, Matteo.

Why are we all drinking Coke after
Malibu?

We don't need to have alcohol to have a
good time.

Liam.

We know everything.

Which means?

This morning, I accidentally overheard
your life story.

Oh, Liam, love, you know I'm not one to
gossip.

We all care about you so much.

My life story?

Yeah, and as you know from your little
early morning self -help group at Blow &

Go. Early morning self -help group?

Yeah. And Blow & Go?

Yeah. Oh, dear.

I think you got the wrong end of the
stick.

How are you, mate? You're doing the
right thing.

I am, aren't I?

Definitely. Neither of us went to
university.

Look at us.

And you've definitely got a spare room I
can rent. A spare room?

No, mate. I ain't got a spare room.

You said you did.

Earlier today, I asked you if you've got
a spare room, and you said yes.

Oh, sorry, bro. I thought you said some
spare room.

Some spare room. Yeah, I've got some
spare room in my box room.

Box room.

Mate, why do you keep repeating
everything he says?

If you've got a box room, where is the
spare room?

Kind of the space above the bed.

So, apart from learning to levitate, I'd
be sharing a bed with you.

Yeah, I suppose.

But I'm cool with that. I've just got to
ring my mum. Why do you have to ring

your mum?

It's only polite.

It's her house, isn't it?

No, it makes... Total fence.

I live here with you, rent out my
beachfront apartment, and the money from

alone means I don't have to work.

We don't have to work.

Well, I mean, obviously, you have to
work, so let us have this place here.

But what I mean is... Oh, God, don't
fall for it, love. He's been through

the women at the Bell Toro this morning.

Sorry. Oh, God, no, not you. We're
trying to have a private conversation

Do you know this woman?

No, me.

He slimed around me this morning over
breakfast.

Breakfast? I'm surprised you've let him
in here after the things he said about

this hotel.

What did he say? Do you mind leaving us
alone?

He said he wouldn't kennel his dog in
here and the people who stay here are

peasants. What I meant by that was...
And then he offered to show me what he

and asked me if I'd go all the way.

Fuck! Get out!

Get out of my hotel! Get out! Get out!

Book club?

Yeah. A frigging book club? Yes.

And half past eight in the morning?

Best part of the day, that.

How would you know? You're always in bed
at that time.

That's what I mean.

So we've all been running round like
blue -arse flies after you, and all

those two old biddies were talking about
a bloody character in a book.

Why don't we take this back for a start?
I'm gone. What am I going to do with my

week off?

Oh, no, I'm sorry, Liam. I'm going to
have to withdraw that week off. Oh,

brilliant. Thanks.

Sounds a fabulous book, though.

Oh, that main character goes through
some stuff, doesn't he? Oh, it's

It's ages since I lost myself in a novel
like this.

Donald was once the main character in a
book.

Oh, really? What kind of book?

Pop -Up.

It was withdrawn from circulation in the
end.

If you opened it too quickly, it almost
had your eye out.

Oh, hello, is that reception?

Oh, hiya, Nev.

Listen, love, I was wondering if you
could do a little favour for me.

To Malcolm and Pauline.

Malcolm and Pauline.

I'm sorry.

I still don't know how we've gone from
last night to this.

You've never been in a committed
relationship, have you, Geoff?

Yes, I have, actually.

I mean one that you could time with a
calendar as opposed to a stopwatch.

He had a girlfriend, did you?

Rubella.

You know her.

Well, it would appear I owe you an
apology, Jeff.

I met her on the internet.

You saw her for a good two or three
days, didn't you?

Ah, apology retracted.

Listen to me. No, you listen to me.

It's quite clear this family lacks a
figurehead. Now, I like you, Jeff.

I do. But you're not a born leader.
You're a follower, an auxiliary, an aid

camp, if you will.

But I feel in time, as we become more
comfortable with one another as a

with patience and faith, we can be as
one.

One life.

One love.

All right, Bob Marley.

Before you get too carried away, I think
we should hear what our Pauline has to

say about all this.

Relationships are difficult.

Yeah. And yesterday...

I was in a bad place, but today, today I
see things more clearly.

Good girl.

Will you stop being so ruffian?

Malcolm, I need someone to help me with
not only my sobriety, but

my overall well -being.

I need someone I can rely on.

I need someone I can respect. But above
all, I need someone I

trust.

And I've decided, after much thought,
that person...

is you.

Pauline.

Come here. Come on. Come with me.

Hang on a minute.

Oh, Christ, what do you want now?

I never said it was a one -night stand.

What? When I told you I thought you were
Dennis Walker from Leeds, I told you

Dennis was my first shag.

I didn't say it was a one -night stand.

How did you know that if you're not
Dennis Walker? I refuse to dignify this

ludicrous accusation with an answer.

Why not? Because the man is clearly
deranged. I mean, look how he's dressed.

I think he looks smashing.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Pauline, I think we're due a little...

Quiet time.

All right.

If you're not Dennis Walker from Leeds,
my first jag from 30 years ago, you

won't have a tattoo like this on your
bum.

Oh! Boy, Kenneth across it.

Pauline, we're leaving. This is
preposterous.

No, you're not.

I'll take your kegs down.

Thank you, pardon.

You heard him. You really are Malcolm
Barrett, and sure as you'd ask.

Do you know where he can prove that
you're not lying? I'm sorry, are you

going to stand there and let these
people behave like animals?

More drinks, anyone?

Tonight's special cocktail is a mojito,
as we have so much fresh mint.

We can settle this very easily. You say
his name is Dennis... Walker.

He says he's Malcolm Barrett.

Go and get your passport. This is pure
farce. Go and get your passport.

Actually, love, there's no need.

Neville, did you get a copy of this
gentleman's passport for reception like

asked? Aye, I did, Kenneth.

The name of the passport is Malcolm
Barrett. Thank you.

Now can we please get on with our
evening? But people can change their

Stephen's above.

Look, mistaken identity is one thing,
but now you are becoming a menace. Just

walk away and leave us in peace.

You've made a mistake, love.

Just go and sit down.

Stay right where you are.

I'm sorry?

Apology accepted.

I'm not talking to you!

You can change your name.

You can't change where you're born.

Name? Malcolm Barrett.

Place of birth?

Leeds, West Yorkshire. Get up, Ian!

Somebody call the police!

Get off me! Get off me!

Malcolm!

Dennis, you mean.

Get off me!

Pauline, I can explain everything.

You're nothing but a fake.

Pauline, think about it.

Who do you believe?

Them?

Or me?

Sorry, pal.

This fell out of your pocket while we
were pulling your checks down.

It's strong stuff.

For the tea to alter.

Get out of this hotel.

Get out of this country.

And get out of my life!

I told you, I never forget a face.

Especially one of that on.

Well,

what do we do now?

We go on, Mother.

That's what we do.

We go on.

And if you think that I'm still holding
on to something you should go and

love yourself.

Thank you.

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