Original subtitles

You're up, then.

What time's our first appointment?

Quarter to two.

Half an hour.

Perfect.

I'm just going to pop out and grab some brekkie. You'll be all right here, won't

you? You should have done this.

You locked up last night.

Some of that's new.

How can it be new?

Maybe it's from you.

I have noticed you've been getting a little bit on top lately.

What?

Down! God!

I need to put a bloody bell on you or something.

Right, team meeting, gather round.

Gather round? We're all stood here. How much more round do you want us to be?

Do you really want me to answer that, Kenneth?

Right, well, as you know, I am opening a brand -new flagship salon in Soho.

And, well, basically, I've realised what a flagship salon needs, most of all, is

a flagship manager, someone professional, someone I can trust,

know will... Troy, Troy, Troy.

Let me stop you there.

I'm flattered, obviously. I mean, who wouldn't be? But I can't go back there

now. If nothing else, my skin has become acclimatised.

If I so much had set foot off that plane in Gatwick, it would crack like fine

bone china.

So, as much as I appreciate your offer, I'm afraid it's a no from me.

Well, this is awkward.

What do you mean?

I was talking about you.

You know who that is, don't you?

Uri Geller.

Who? Uri Geller. Oh, you must have heard of him. He's a big star, man.

Why? What does he do? He bends spoons.

Who on earth?

I. Spoons. Spoons.

He bends spoons. Why?

And what if he's famous?

Madre mia.

Good morning, team.

Mateo, Les, or should I say Neville.

It's fine, it's fine.

Hazing the new boss, eh? Aye, aye. Yes, very good.

Well, never let it be said I don't enjoy a good wheeze, but hopefully I've

passed your little initiation test now. We can get through the next few days

without any more... The Benidorm Spiritual and Psychic Convention.

Aye. Twelve till five in the function room. I don't have anything down about

this. It's okay. They have it here every year. All of the psychotics come. No.

No, this is not good at all. I wasn't... I mean, I'm not prepared.

How many people are coming? I mean, I should know numbers, shouldn't I? You

know, in case of, I don't know, an earthquake or something.

We do not get many earthquakes in Alicante.

Well, some other type of disaster then. A hurricane or a flood or a fire.

Please, calm down, Lord Henry.

I have a full list of all the guests and speakers. I will print you out a copy

and bring it to your office.

Right. Well, yes, that would be...

Thank you.

Mateo, don't print out that list. I'll do it. I just want to add a couple more

names. What do you mean, add a couple of more names? Don't worry about it. I'll

explain everything.

Just leave it with me, okay?

Anyway, isn't it time you two opened the bar?

And you're absolutely sure that blue is pregnant?

Yes, it means pregnant.

Only to me that doesn't look blue.

More turquoise.

Actually, that's the colour I had in mind for our spare room.

I doubt.

It's blue and it's real.

I'm pregnant.

Maybe it's all molten.

Well, don't you think you should, love?

He needs to know.

Like it or not, he's sort of part of the family now.

Not necessarily.

What do you mean?

I mean there's a teeny, tiny, teensy chance

that the baby's not his.

I'll tell you what it sounds like to me, son.

A midlife crisis.

It's not a midlife crisis, all right.

Just a couple of nights of bad dreams, that's all.

Yeah, and I was the one who had to suffer through them.

Kicking and carrying on. What were these dreams about, Dad?

Us.

Us lot.

We were homeless.

Destitute. Living on the streets.

Across the way there was this big billboard with our Jodie's face on it.

She was a film star and she divorced us.

Divorced us?

Yeah. The whole family, you know, like the American child stars do.

Classic midlife crisis dream.

It's not a midlife crisis!

All right, tell me something. Do you find yourself constantly wondering

you've made the right choices?

Do you look at your kids and think, how come they've got all the chances I

never? Do you look at your wife and think, whatever happened to that svelte

young thing that I married? Excuse me?

Just asking.

Billy?

Hmm?

What, God, no, of course I don't. What are you on about, Dad?

Well, all right. But if it is a midlife crisis, the good news is that eventually

you get over it.

And then you end up like me.

Well, there's something for you to look forward to.

Look, it was a work.

Team -building thing, all right?

A murder mystery weekend.

A murder mystery weekend and you didn't invite me?

Oh, yes, Pauline, you should have asked Jeff.

You always guessed who'd done it, didn't you? Do you remember when we used to

watch that programme together?

Poirot? No, not Poirot. The other one.

Oh.

Oh.

Come on, then, what happened?

I can't remember.

You can't remember?

Scooby -Doo, that was it.

When you say you can't remember, would I be correct in assuming alcohol might

have been involved?

Perhaps.

One or two small, large vodkas.

Or three.

Pauline, are you pregnant?

Oh, Mum.

Mum, she obviously wasn't... She had no idea who, er...

No. No. It could have been any one of two of them. Okay, two. Well, that's

not... Maybe three.

All right, five.

Five. Okay, Jeff. There were five people with me.

Don't go getting upset, Pauline, love.

Perhaps we could narrow it down.

Now, were any of them women?

Fortune tellers, palm readers. No, you're barking up the wrong tree there,

I've seen these sort of shows before. It's usually just psychology and

Which is probably what about half the attendees are expecting, but that still

leaves a good two quarters. They'll be after the mumbo jumbo, and we're going

give it to them. Now, I've already put a call in to a local medium, and I'm

still working on trying to track down a palmist. We'll set the tents up over

there, puck it half the takings, and split it three ways.

What do you say?

She does this a lot. Would you say no?

Mateo, Neville, look, I don't want to be all wally -wally guts with you, but our

little chat this morning about earthquakes and tornadoes and fires got

thinking. When was the last time this place had a safety drill?

Um... August 16th.

August what?

Literally the day before I arrived?

Mm -hmm.

Oh, well, that's great.

And the fire extinguishers. I checked the one in reception, and it says it was

last tested in July.

Same everywhere. You know, it's like sell -by dates in supermarkets. You

add a couple of months on, like that.

Yes. And on top of all that, I have a big house.

It is behind the barge. You cannot see from there.

Well, this is quite the weight off my mind. I don't mind telling you.

Oh, and here's the list of all the attendees, Sir Henry.

Fortune teller?

Palm reader?

Yes. We do it every year, don't we, Mateo?

As regular as our fire drills.

Great. Splendid.

As you were, then.

Thanks, boys.

Do you know what she has done, don't you?

She has put us in the same boat as her.

Liam, if you'd let me finish talking before you marched out.

I haven't actually said yes.

Look, Kenny didn't want to do it anyway, so... That's not the point!

You never asked me!

You were never asking me!

I've been here twice as long as him.

Plus, I've practically run this place single -handedly for you while you've

galloping off doing God knows what.

I have worked my fingers to the bone for you, you selfish ingrate.

Look! Look at my calluses.

They're mostly on your right hand, I noticed.

That's because it's me brushing hand!

Oh, is that what you kids are calling it these days?

Oh, so you think it's funny now, do you?

Well, you can lap it up on your own from now on. Because I quit.

All right?

Not really, no.

We've blown our entire week's budget in, like, four days.

I don't know what you're so bothered about.

Who needs money? We've got everything we need right here.

Everything except girls, Joey.

I mean, have you seen this place this year?

It's like something from The Walking Dead.

And we're stuck with it.

Because all we've got left is however much this is.

€44 .25.

He's right.

How do you know that?

I counted it.

But you barely looked at it.

This is that maths thing of yours again, isn't it?

Didn't you say you booked some cards with you?

Yeah.

I'll be right back.

Oh!

Are we going to play Snap?

I'm wicked hot at snaps.

Hey, hey!

Yuri!

I don't believe it!

Why didn't you tell me you were coming here, you big shithouse?

Please tell me you're up for a drink later, because I'm having the holiday

hell. Got the old tribe out there with us, including Loretta. Hey, did I tell

you her and me dad are having to chip in for our Geordie's stage school fees?

And you better believe they rub it in every chance they get.

No, I'm stressed out to the max, mate. Worrying 24 -7 about everything.

Dad reckons it's a midlife crisis, but that can't be right. I mean, I'm only...

Oh, my God.

Yuri Urigella.

It's pronounced Uri.

Oh, you must think I am so sorry. You look just like my mate, Stevie.

I mean, he looks just like you. Everybody calls him Yuri. I mean, Uri,

he looks just like me. I get it.

Look, it's fine. Don't worry.

These things happen.

Actually, it's a shame because my lecture is totally booked up and I

could have helped you. But perhaps I can give you some advice anyway.

Worry.

Stress.

These are the results of negative energy. And do you know what causes

energy?

Audrey Laws? No.

Negative thinking.

Let me explain you something. It all comes from inside.

Negative thoughts lead to negative energy. And positive thoughts lead to...

Positive energy. And positive energy leads to a happier Billy.

Hang on.

How do you know my name?

Look, Billy.

If you want to change your entire life for the better, you have to remember two

simple words.

Positive thinking.

I need a drink.

Pauline, no.

A soft drink, Mum, OK? I couldn't have alcohol now even if I wanted, could I?

Not for another nine months.

Son, does it make me a bad person if I hope Malcolm isn't the father?

What our Pauline told us about him? No, Mum.

I want to admit you're completely sane.

If only we knew which one of the other candidates was most likely, love.

I know, love. It's a mystery.

We're always good at solving mysteries, don't we?

Me!

It's me. Wasn't that clear?

Look, mark my words. By the end of today, we'll have it down from a one to

to a one to two. Well, my name's not the Oracle.

Come mother, the game is a foot.

Oh, son, I've only just sat him down.

Can you not play with yourself?

Did he not tell you about my dramatic walkout?

It's more of a flounce, really.

Look, Liam's a young lad and he's proved himself. I just want to give him a

chance. He doesn't know what to do, you know. Doesn't know whether to take it or

not. It's a big decision.

One he could really use his best friend's help with.

Kenneth, what's this really about?

Oh.

Oh.

Wait.

I'm getting a message for someone here.

Oh, who?

Him. Not today, Lord.

All right.

You, then. Me?

Oh, who's it from? I can't tell you now.

Come to my tent later.

OK. I will.

At what time are you planning on opening your flaps?

Half an hour.

I'll bring you Perth.

A message for you, eh? I wonder if it's from your Donald.

Oh, no.

He's far too busy up there.

Actually, I hope it's from my friend Sammy.

Sammy? Sammy the Tranny.

Part of the Brighton set.

We lost him last time.

An incident with a trampoline.

I need you two to set the tent up for me.

Right.

Here.

And from you, I need a chair, a table, a candle, and a large bottle of brandy.

Brandy? Yes, well, it's the spiritualist thing, really. You wouldn't understand.

Let's just say a much more susceptible...

to being entered after I've had a glass or two.

I think you are preaching to the convertible.

What are we looking for?

The social media passwords.

There's no way somebody with our Pauline history would rely on remembering them.

It must be written down somewhere.

Now, listen.

You stand guard, and if you see her coming, make a noise or something.

What sort of noise?

I think a hooting owl is somewhat traditional in these situations.

Can I be a kookaburra?

I've always liked kookaburras.

Yeah, whatever.

What noise do they make?

My family.

My wonderful, wonderful family.

Who? Of course.

What on earth are you wearing?

Cozy. Do you like them?

Some woman over the road was selling them.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

There you go, Loretta.

If anything, that makes you look even more beautiful.

What? Are you taking...

Is he taking the piss?

But of course, nothing, nothing could make you more beautiful.

Thanks.

Jeff? Oh, no, I wasn't, um... I was, uh... I needed to borrow

some... chapstick.

Chapstick? I don't use chapstick.

What, with all those big man legs?

Oh.

It's OK, I'll, um... I'll borrow some marge from the bar.

Come along, Mother.

I'm sorry, son.

I just had to lift the loo.

Kenneth, talk to me!

Sorry. Can't hear you.

Judas!

Zayn Malik!

Okay, what have I got?

Queen of spades, four of hearts, eight of spades, two of spades, jack of

diamonds, jack of clubs.

What did that tell you?

It's all right.

Once more, just to be sure.

We've got a problem.

I've rang every contact I've got.

And there are no palm readers available on such short notice.

Aye, well, we'll just have to deal with that.

We can't do that.

They always draw the biggest numbers, ergo the biggest profits.

Why do we not ask the bender to do it?

For what young Liam was saying, I don't think he's in the mood.

No, I am talking about him with the spoons.

Oh, him? Man, he doesn't do parlour trick.

Anyway, when it comes to palm readers, people expect a certain type. You know,

wizened old crone from some exotic land or other.

So you're saying we need someone in a dress?

With a face that has seen better days.

And an almost impenetrable accent?

Aye.

What?

We're in.

I'm going first.

Really, Jeff?

With our mother sat right there?

Eh?

No, I wasn't looking at porn.

What were you doing then?

I was... I was looking at porn.

Oh, son.

I'm going for a walk.

Clear my head.

Here, at the pool with all the little kiddies running around.

I wasn't looking at porn, mother.

It's our appalling social media page.

These are all the prime suspects.

Just have to whittle them down.

Now where are you going?

To see if they'll let me use the printer.

If we're going to do this, we're going to do it properly.

I think he's good, no?

Mateo, when I told you to fetch some bedsheets, they meant ones that had

been laundered.

I don't know why we bothered with the frame at all. Half of these ones could

have stood up on their own.

You look great.

I feel ridiculous.

Perfect. Right, I'm going to go check out what time the last lecture finishes.

You guys see if you can't drum up a bit of interest here beforehand.

He's not moved since I left. He's not moved for five minutes, so we're sure he

isn't dead.

Can you die standing up?

Billy?

Are you OK?

Hmm?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Better than fine, actually.

I'm happy.

Right, well, that's nice.

Only you do seem to be acting a little, er, odd.

Am I, Sharon?

Am I?

Or, for the first time in my life, am I actually acting normal?

No, no, I'm going to stick with odd.

Son, are you sure you haven't had a bang on head or something?

Oh, I've had something better than that, Dad.

I've had an epiphany.

I just spoke to Uri Geller.

His friends call him Uri.

Oh, my God, he's hallucinating.

And is he here now?

No.

Of course he isn't. But he has changed my life with just two simple words.

Positive thinking.

Powerful, aren't they?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What, in here?

Yes. Madam Jordina has requested your person on me.

Madam who?

Oh, God!

I think somebody's been using this for a crap house.

Please come sit, my child.

Oh, for God's... Nev, I know it's you.

What, you've been here barely two days and already that bloody travel rep's got

you rubbed into one of her crappy scams, has she?

Aye. Hey, hey, but what she didn't reckon with is that I really do have the

gift. Do you?

Come. Sit.

All right. This better be good.

Oh, dear.

What is it?

Is it my lifeline?

No. It's your friendship line.

Your what?

This line here. Oh, that's a very strong line, is that? You've got a very strong

friendship in your life.

But look, it's... Suddenly, forks off, almost as if the... Almost as if me best

friend and flatmate's forking off and leaving me on me tod.

Nice try, Madam Jordina. Did he put you up to this, did he? No. No, he didn't.

You're not upset that he got off of the job over you.

You're upset that he's going to leave.

No. Oh, listen, man.

Young Liam thinks the world of you. He looks up to you.

To be honest, I reckon if you asked him not to leave, he wouldn't.

You can fork up an arm.

Oi! Who the bloody hell are you?

This is Madame Jordina.

She's a great mistake.

Mystic? Mystic. No, she's not. She's not even a woman.

She's an ugly barman.

Hey, all right, steady on, pet. You need oil painting yourself.

OK, are you ready? The nutters, I mean believers, are on their way out the

function room now.

Get in your tents, quick.

All right, I will get in my tents.

But you could forget about your 25 % cut.

What? But we agreed.

Ah, well, that was before you stuck this great circus clown next to me.

Aye, I happen to be a professional.

Give me that.

Give it, give it.

Go, go, go!

If she thinks she's getting away with this, she's got another thing coming.

You and me are going to make sure.

Madam Georgina does twice the business she does.

Oh, they're coming.

Hiya!

It's easier being said than done.

What the Lord call of me?

I'm sorry, son.

I don't understand you with that stick in your mouth.

Right.

This is what we know.

According to Pauline's post, her and her colleagues arrived at the manor on the

evening of July 6th at 1800 hours.

They had supper.

Then at 1915 hours precisely, Pauline returned to her room. Word upon, a

lengthy and tedious chatlock between herself and Malcolm has been recorded.

I propose...

that it was at the conclusion of this very chat she took her first drink.

Oh, poor Pauline.

After that, the timeline and the post become muddied.

At this point, the one thing we do know is that she eventually woke up the

following morning in a room that wasn't her own.

The original occupant already vanished.

But he's up there.

Somewhere on this wall.

Darren Roberts.

Paul Butler.

Henry Poe.

Andy Brooks.

Lionel Harris.

So, who was it?

Well, I don't know that yet, do I?

That's the whole purpose of this exercise.

Now, leave me.

I must enter my mind palace.

But don't stay inside all day, will you, son?

You know it's not good for you.

Here it is, here it is.

I've never been to a casino before. I've always wanted to. After this, I've just

got to swim with tortoises and meet Harry Potter, and then my bucket list is

complete!

I'm going to be honest with you, when you brought me in on this, I didn't

realise I'd be the one putting up all the cash.

What are you worried about, mate? We're going to double it, triple it,

quadrangle it.

You've seen what he can do.

Kid's a genius.

Oh,

goodbye, Jacqueline.

Oh,

it's been lovely talking to you again anyway, Sammy.

And you know what's funny?

You seem to have lost your speech impediment when you crossed over.

Oh.

Oh. The spirit is fading.

She's gone. The spirit is gone.

But she leaves her love with you.

Her love?

His love.

Sometimes when they come through, it's hard to tell.

Oh, that's all right. To be fair, it was hard to tell when he was alive.

Oh, that's why Sammy was the best.

Thank you.

Next!

I said, next!

What in the name of Doris Stokes is going on?

And why is that great Geordie Cretting getting more punters than... 80 euros?

That's far too much.

Well, I did say I'd take care of the pricing structure.

And as you are the professional one here, I just thought your fee should

that. This charade has gone on long enough.

Hey, Ocupido!

Why is this so sticky?

This is not good.

Right, thank you all for coming. I'm afraid both our mystics need a quick

to charge their psychic energy.

The only thing that's going to get charged around here is you for fraud.

Hello, um, what's going on here exactly? I'll tell you what's going on. These

wistful little chimps of yours are making a mockery of the mystic arts.

And I am going to see to it that they regret it.

Why? What are you going to do?

Put the curse on us?

Maybe I will.

Try your worst. I do not believe in your jumbo mumbo.

Fire!

Oh, my God!

Fire! Fire!

Forgive me. Forgive me.

Forgive me.

My tent!

Somebody do something! My tent is nearly a hundred years old!

Nobody panic!

Okay, just... We're trained for this.

Oh, somebody help! It must have been your candle!

Candle?

Right,

okay, everyone, stand back!

You said you could have a couple... of months off.

Oh.

My big hole.

Well, successful fire drill, I'd say.

What did they say?

I can't take this. We have to do something.

I am not spending the rest of my life married to some gurning, great, happy

clapper. All right, steady on, love. It's my son you're talking about.

No, it's not, Eddie. Your son is a worrier and a fetter and a part -time

dog. And I love him more than the world, and I want him back.

Even I'd take the useless, original version over whatever the heck that

monstrosity up there is.

Give me all you got and, baby, don't hold back.

So what do we do?

I'll tell you what we do.

We work together as a team for once.

All three of us.

But to depress the hell out of me.

Oh,

I see.

I guess I'm too late.

Um, Kenneth, Liam was... No.

No, it's fine.

Had it happened, I'd come to apologise anyway.

You had?

Yeah.

And to offer me congratulations.

I think you deserve this.

Really?

Yeah.

That's the part where you're supposed to shake my hand, Liam.

Oh, I can't.

Why can't you? Is that because of the calico?

Because of it? Can it?

Liam turned down the job.

What?

You did?

How could I leave Benidorm?

Me dad, me friends.

Oh, isn't it wonderful?

The gang's all staying together.

Yeah, wonderful.

Now I've got to find someone in London to manage the place.

You do realise, technically, you haven't asked me yet?

I didn't know when I didn't ask you. So?

I've been doing a lot of reflecting today and things have changed.

Ask me now.

Kenneth, I can't believe you didn't... Shut your face.

Okay.

Troy?

Ask me.

Go on.

Fine.

Kenneth, would you like to manage my new salon?

No, I wouldn't.

Stick it up your arse.

Okay. Right, now we've got that emotional stuff out the way, I think a

drinks are in order.

I'll follow you on. We've just got to sweep up first.

I think you'll find that's my job.

I'll sod this and spit my feathers.

Dawn, why is it so dark?

in here.

Oh.

I'm glad you made it.

I suppose you're wondering why I called you both here.

Well, actually, we're on our way up. What the hell?

These are all my colleagues.

Only four of them. One of them potentially the father of your baby.

And now, I can finally reveal who.

Jeff, love.

Mum, do you mind?

I'm trying to do me big day in your mum here.

I know, son. But see...

without any witnesses or evidence.

Any one of these men could have been the culprit.

That is, until you scratch beneath the surface.

Darren Roberts.

Status update.

July 12th, 2014.

Booked my vasectomy.

Hashtag ouch.

Andy Brooks lists his likes as art, poetry and the music of Barry Manilow.

Need I say more?

Lionel, hurry.

Jeff, I'm not pregnant.

You are? It's true, son.

That's what we came to tell you.

It was a faulty batch.

So I went out and bought another one and... I'm not pregnant.

And what the hell am I doing here?

I should be celebrating.

I'm sorry, son.

Why don't you tell me you've done it anyway?

No point.

Go on. You know who you want. Who?

Paul Butler.

The butler did it.

And he would have got away with it too if it hadn't been for you meddling

kids.

Sean, what do you think she meant by celebrating?

Oh, you're never going to believe this.

Councils only have to stick them on their muddly mobile phone mapping right

opposite our house.

Oh, well, might actually get a signal in the bathroom now.

Er, Sean, do you remember that... The cat you had when you were a bairn.

Winston.

Well, it never ran away.

I backed over it.

I know, Dad.

I've always known.

You have?

Doesn't it feel better to say it out loud?

It does.

It really does.

Right. Looks like you're all down to half -full glasses. I'll go get another

round. No.

No. They're not half -full, Billy.

They're half -empty.

Just saying.

They're half -empty.

But they're not, Sharon.

They're half -full.

What was that?

You've ended up depressing yourself.

And where were you?

Well, I'm sorry, Sharon, but I was never going to attempt to wash cat's dory,

was I?

Excuse me.

I think I've got something to my eye.

Oh, thanks.

What happened? I don't know.

Did you forget how to count or something? No, I was counting, I swear.

There's something fishy about their whole set -up. I'm telling you, I don't

how, but somehow they're cheating.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Joey.

This is serious. Are you trying to tell us that the casino are playing with a

loaded deck?

We should tell somebody.

Well, too right we should. They can't get away with cheating us.

Not when we're trying to cheat them. Cheat them, exactly.

Joey, you certain?

Absolutely. Half the time in there, they shouldn't have even won.

I did everything you taught me. I made sure every hand you were getting was as

close to 31 as possible.

31? Yeah.

What?

Aye.

This is it. This is your split.

I took it the rest is psycho too, didn't I?

By a silent stopper from letting on to Sir Henry that none of this had actually

been officially sanctioned.

And this is all that was left?

I do not believe you. Show me your split.

Only if you show me your mumbo jumbo.

Today has not been a good day.

Oh, I don't know.

I reckon some things have worked out okay.

Yes, but a round of drinks for my perfect family, please. But I need a bit

to go on than that, pal. Oh, right, sorry.

Two pints, two white wines.

Actually, what's that?

That?

Gatos Arabetar.

It's sort of a posh mint liqueur. It's not part of your all -inclusive mind.

bob of shot, this.

It's a special occasions reason.

Every day's a special occasion.

Come on up then.

I don't want it.

Just one glass.

Happy to stretch my overdraft a little. One glass, Warner. We're celebrating.

Celebrating what?

You're going completely round the bloody twist.

Celebrating life, Sharon.

Celebrating life.

I can't take it. I can't actually take it.

Watch this when it's your turn.

Careful with that. Ten euros is... Shut.

I'm sorry, son.

I'll have to charge that little room, I'm afraid, for at least 100 euros.

Oh, dear, that's a lot, isn't it? Just how stretchy is this overdraft of yours,

Billy? Hey, I'll get a brush and clean up.

Never mind, lad. Could be worse.

At least it was only half full.

No, it wasn't.

It was half empty.

Welcome back.

There he is. Oh, yes.

Don't look.

Right.

Shut up.

I

can't read that.

I don't know where he

can be, but maybe, but I'm

gonna find him.