Original subtitles

What's all

that

about?

You didn't get any brown sauce, did you?

No, only ketchup.

Can you get us some brown sauce while you're on your feet?

I'm not on my feet.

You were when I started that sentence.

Where's Sharon?

She's gone for a cake.

Well, that's her diet blown, then.

She's not on a diet. She's gone to try and find a cake for our Jodie coming

today.

Morning.

Morning.

Morning, son.

I don't suppose you got any brown sauce, did you?

With plaque?

Coffee?

How are you feeling?

I am never drinking again.

You know what's good for a hangover?

Drinking heavily the night before?

What?

Never mind. Go on then, Grandad.

What's good for a hangover?

Brown sauce.

Really? That's why they say, have you been on the sauce?

Bit of brown sauce, it's like hair of the dog.

Clear the hangover of yours in minutes.

Cheers, Grandad.

Get us a couple while you're there, will you, son?

OK.

What?

So, breakfast in the indoor market, then we head up to the dinosaur park.

I don't think I can. I'm waiting for Neville.

Who's Neville? He's my dad's mate from the Geordie bar. He's covering for my

while he's in the UK.

Who's in the UK? Your dad?

Yeah. What's he doing there? It's just family stuff, nothing exciting.

Sam, about the dinosaur park.

Oh, I am on such a good number there. All I've done is organise a few little

shows and that for the start of their season, and I'm getting 500 euros.

Can you believe it?

No, I mean... Well, I don't really like dinosaurs.

Never have done since I was a kid.

Oh, you're so cute. I bet you were scared of the dark and all.

Yeah, I was.

Terrified.

Don't worry, these dinosaurs are made of plastic.

The worst they can do on a day like this is melt on you.

Aya, is there any way you can put this cake? It's for my daughter, but it'll

melt outside.

Indoor market.

Do you want it in the fridge?

No, no, no, just out of the sun will be fine. Can I have a peek?

Is it her birthday?

Oh, welcome back.

Has she been anywhere nice?

She's been in the UK working on a television commercial.

Your daughter's going to be on the telly? Yeah.

She's very talented.

I'll keep my eye out for it. What's the commercial for?

Er, adult nappies.

Oh, I think Kenneth from Blow & Go had a dabble with them before they got the

pipes cleaned at the Pink Trombone.

Well, er, I'd better get on.

Thanks for that. Lovely.

I'll put it somewhere safe.

Lola!

Can you put this somewhere safe?

Out of the sun.

Sin el sol. Sin el sol.

Thank you.

Good morning.

It's Joyce.

I'm afraid Miss Temple Savage is away at the moment. Have you got a mobile

number? Yes, I have. In fact, I've just got a text from her thanking me. As I

was passing, I thought I'd just pop in and find out why.

I mean, why she's thanking me.

Is it casual Friday?

No, it's not even Friday.

Oh, I see what you mean. No, I'm not wearing the Solana uniform because I

in the hair salon. I'm just covering for my dad.

Little Geordie fella. Often wears a dress.

Oh. Of course, Les.

Or Leslie.

The Solano have been very accommodating.

As they should be.

I've just spent a few days in the UK with some chums from the House of Lords.

No stranger to a backless cocktail frock amongst those boys.

Oh, while I'm here, I don't suppose your IT department could have a look at my

phone? It's not working while I was in the UK. I've not had an email through

days. Do you want me to have a word with Baby Jesus?

I beg your pardon?

Oh. Jesus in maintenance.

His son, Baby Jesus, sometimes comes in and helps with the computers.

Well, I've always said it pays to have a friend in Jesus.

Have a seat.

Probably take a few minutes to track him down.

I'm sure.

He probably moves in a mysterious way.

Won't be long.

He might be next door, singing karaoke songs by the Carpenters. Could you just

sit down, please?

Sorry.

Could you find baby Jesus and bring him to reception?

There's somebody in need of his guidance. Bless you.

Devon Panic Young and Neville's here to save the day.

Neville, you're right.

Hey, champion man.

Never better. Oh, thanks for this.

Hey, no problem. Right, you get yourself off. Do you not want me to show you

around, introduce you to people?

Hey, I've got a tongue in my head, and Les has emailed all the staff, and he's

left us a list of instructions.

I'll soon find my way around.

Well, this is really good of you. No problem. Hey, blood's thicker than

and brown ale is thicker than both of them put together. Go on, get yourself

away. Give me a call if you need me. Aye, aye, aye, you get yourself away.

Honestly, Bessie, you'll thank me for getting rid of that side parting.

With your high forehead and them heavy eyelids, there was more than a whiff of

Boris Karloff about you.

There you go, love.

Morning. Have you got an appointment?

No, I was just wondering if you can do something with this.

Oh, love, I'm an hairstylist, not a vet.

You cheeky sod, it's a clip -on.

I know.

I'm just pulling your leg.

Look, have you thought about treating yourself to a new one? It'll probably

out cheaper, you know.

Let me get the book for you. OK, thanks.

Oh, going home?

No, I went home when I came back.

Morning.

Afternoon.

Here you go.

Thank you. Oh, yeah.

Is Liam not around?

No, Dale.

Oh, he's got a nice day for it. Oh, you're joking, aren't you? Not if you're

little ginge. He'll be barricaded under the staircase at home, covered in

sunblock.

Think that's you?

Jacqueline not up yet? No, I'm a bit worried about her.

Why? What's wrong with her?

Nothing, I just think we really messed up her chances last night with Eddie.

know, going with her to his party.

Why? It's not your fault that Captain Birdside didn't get his fish fingers.

There was half a Benidorm there, wasn't there?

It's been two years since Donald's passing.

Why do you think we're as lonely?

Excuse me, your friend Jacqueline, are you trying to pair her up with Eddie

Dawson? Oh, my God.

I've just recognised you.

He's your husband, isn't he?

Sorry.

A bit of sick just came up into my throat.

No, he's not. He's my daughter's father -in -law.

You didn't mean to call him Captain Bird.

You're all right. You want to hear what I call him. I think it's a great idea.

Maybe I could be of some help.

I'll have a number 36, please.

Morning, boys.

Morning, Jacqueline.

Hiya.

Flan and toast.

Perfect. Ten euros, please. That's gorgeous.

And don't worry about your friends and Eddie.

Leave that to me.

Bye, love.

What is wrong with me mother?

Why can't she answer the phone like a normal person?

It keeps ringing, but she's definitely landed.

It pains me to say it, but I've always found your mother to be a very ignorant

woman. They're here.

Look, they're here.

Woo!

Right, Rob, go to reception and ask for the cake.

Well, I'm saying they... Where's Jodie?

Where's our Jodie? Is that you? Keeps ringing the phones in the bottom of my

case. Do you have finished with these drinks?

Where's Jodie? Well, hang on a minute. Before you go mad... Where?

Where is Jodie? It's actually really good news. Mother, where is my daughter?

Have you finished with this drink? Oh, be quiet.

Has she got another job?

What do you mean, she's got another job?

The director of the TV commercial, Brian, his name, was late 50s, but a

strong head of hair on him.

Brian liked Jodie so much, he put her in a commercial for dog food for Germany.

She's gone to bloody Germany?

No, don't be ridiculous, as if I'd let her go to Germany.

No, they're filming in Scotland for four days.

If my daughter is in Scotland for four days, then what the frigging hell are

doing here?

I'm on the holiday.

What is wrong with you? Have you completely lost your mind?

Hey, hey, enough of this crazy screaming.

Loretta, who is actually looking after Geordie? She's fine. Her best friend

school is on the same job, so they're with her mother, Lisa. Was it Lisa or

Lena? Something like that.

Mum, where are you going?

Where do you think I'm going?

I'm going to get my daughter.

Sharon. Sharon.

Hang on.

Mother.

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. Bacardi and Coke, please,

I'm sorry, madam. You cannot see the manager as we don't have one at the

But your complaint of the beach being too sandy is not really for us. It's for

the town hall.

Oh, let's go.

Hello. I spoke to baby Jesus, and he managed to download all my emails from

past few days.

Well, as far as that's the power of prayer.

And, well, it would appear I've been asked to step into the breach.

Step into the what?

I'm your relief manager while Joyce is in Barcelona.

Oh. And you're Les, aren't you?

Sorry, I'm used to seeing you in the wig and the dress.

Oh. Yeah, Les. Les, that's me. Well, welcome aboard.

Oh.

Oh,

my.

Days. Worth the bus journey, yeah?

Uh, yeah.

They're so lifelike, they're freaking me out, man.

Hey, Jerry, what do you call a one -eyed dinosaur?

I don't know.

Do you think he saw us? Who?

The one -eyed dinosaur.

I don't know, which one is he?

No, that's the name of the dinosaur that's got one eye. What is?

Do you think he saw us?

It's this one, definitely, but it can't have been this one, because he's got two

eyes.

All right, boys, getting OK with your free passes?

Yeah, great, thanks.

This place is incredible, ain't it?

It's all right.

Pretty impressive, yeah.

And if you think these are good, wait till you see the live dinosaur fight

arranged later on.

Live dinosaur fight?

Who said they were extinct?

Seriously, he knows nothing.

Hey, Sam, what do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

I don't know, Joey. What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Oh, it's not for

me. It's something Tiger wanted to know.

You know he'd get a slap if he weren't so damn cute.

Come on Liam.

I feel sick.

Sharon, let's just sit down and talk about this. What's there to talk about?

My mother has just proved herself to be even more irresponsible than your

father, and that's saying something.

It's not a competition of who's the best grandparents.

Although if it was, top marks to me dad in coming first. Yeah, out of two

grandparents, he's a clear winner over the Wicked Witch of the West. You must

so proud.

Look, we just need to stop, calm down, and take things one step at a time. One

step at a time?

Our daughter has been abandoned in a foreign country!

Mum? She hasn't been abandoned. We've just been told she... Scotland's not a

foreign country, is it? Mum.

Rob, is Scotland classed as a foreign country? Or did you mean foreign to the

country we're in now?

Mother! What?

Jodie wants to speak to you.

Mum?

Mum, can you see me?

Oh, Jodie.

Jodie, darling.

Are you all right? I'm so sorry.

I'm fine.

What are you sorry about?

Fernanda Tate's coming back to Spain and leaving you there.

She didn't want to leave me here. I told her I wouldn't go back.

But, darling, who were you with there?

I'm with my friend Emily and her mum.

She's my official chaperone.

And Mrs Kelly from school is here looking after us as well.

OK. Well, don't you worry, sweetheart.

I'm going to be on the next plane leaving from Alicante.

Why are you coming here?

Well, don't you want me there?

There's no point, Mum. We're working all day.

We'd hardly see each other.

Plus, if you came here, my dad, Rob, Grandad Dawson and Nana Chase would be

missing you.

Oh, we would?

Yeah. Plus, strikes and stuff cost money.

I'm only getting £10 ,000 for this ad.

What was that, Jodie? That last bit, there was a bit of interference.

It's the Wi -Fi here. Can you say that last bit again?

Get out of the way!

Jodie, we're ready for you.

They're calling for me. I'll speak to you later.

Bye!

I love you.

I love you, bye!

Tell Mrs Kelly to give me a ring.

She looks fine to me.

She looks dead happy.

Yeah, she's got people looking after her.

What do you want to do, Mum?

I don't know.

But I could do with a drink first.

Come on.

Did he want to catch how much he's getting for this advert?

I thought he had to say 10 ,000, but it might not have been... It might have

been less. I mean, I don't think it was less.

Actually, it might be more.

Is anybody listening to me?

Kids are wrapped in cotton wool these days. You'd be surprised how much they

take care of themselves.

She's nine.

She's got people looking after her friend and a dog to play with, more than

had when I was her age.

Some things never change.

Only way to get a dog to play with you would be to hang a pork chop round your

neck. Very funny.

Aye, aye.

Five -inch quarter bike.

Would you like a priest to read the last rites before you go to meet your maker?

Tempting fate a bit, talking about meeting your maker, the size of you

the double brandies.

There's no need for that.

Never start something you can't finish, Eddie Dawson. Remember that.

All sorted?

No, it's not all sorted.

Well, are you going or are you staying?

She's staying. We're all staying.

For now.

I'm speaking to the principal of Jodie's school later.

Did you say you'd got a cake, Sharon?

It'd be a shame to waste it.

Well, first of all, can I say thank you to Les for assembling everyone here? And

what an unexpected honour it is to be asked to captain the good ship Solana

into, hopefully, not too choppy waters.

Choppy who?

Choppy waters.

Who's choppy waters?

No, what I mean is... What he's trying to say is that he hopes everything goes

OK while he's the manager.

Fatty chance.

I'll be the first to admit that running a hotel does not come second nature to

me, but I imagine Joyce and Crystal know their staff here are such a well -oiled

machine, all that's needed is a mere steady hand to administer the odd

Of oil, I mean.

Into the machine.

Does anyone understand a single word about what she's talking?

To sum up, and in brief, I see the staff of the Solana not working for me over

the next two days, but working with me.

One hand washes the other.

Lord Henry, when you have finished washing your hands, can we please get

work? Yes, yes, of course.

Just before you go, can I just say thank you so much for the delicious cake

welcoming me back to the Solana. Please do take a slice with you as you go back

to work.

No fancy dress today, Les?

Sorry?

The wig, the make -up, the comedy boobies, one bigger than the other.

Oh, well, I didn't want to steal your thunder.

I'm sorry?

Well, there's an old Solana tradition that requires every new member of staff

appear in fancy dress in Neptunes on their first night.

I'm sure there's a wig and a pair of high heels behind reception.

Oh, dear.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I was mostly checking.

You don't think they've gone self -service, do you?

Mother, this is a Spanish hotel, not a school canteen.

There's not one member of staff.

Oh, hang on.

It says here for stays less than seven days, check -in is after 2pm.

I feel so nauseous. If I don't eat soon, I'm going to faint.

Oh, Polly, not again.

When you vomited in that fire bucket at Alicante, I was hoping that was the last

of it.

Should have got back on the plane.

We need to check in.

Where are all your staff?

I want to see the hotel manager now.

We do not have a hotel manager.

I am a bar manager.

Do you understand?

Shall we go for a walk?

Officially, this... Still an hour before we could check in.

I'll deal with this.

All right.

No mattering about, pal.

I've been here before.

I understand how this kind of thing works.

Looking for a bit of a palm greasing, aren't you?

Not from you.

No.

I mean, you want a few shekels for your trouble?

Why is nobody talking the Queenie English today?

A tip.

You want some money?

A tip for letting us check in early.

Oh, OK.

It's all right. I've got this.

How much?

100 euros.

What? 100 euros? What have you done?

Welcome to the Solana.

Do we have a problem?

Oh, well, we'd like to check him, but we're a little bit early.

Oh, I don't think that's the problem.

You're not helping Kenneth with the blow -and -go today?

It's a kind of working holiday.

They do the work and I have the holiday.

The card's in court, please.

Hello, it's Jacqueline, isn't it? I'm Loretta.

Hello, you were in blow -and -go earlier.

That's right. I came to ask you a question, but I kind of lost my nerve.

Oh, really?

Yes, it's about Eddie.

What about him?

It's none of my business, but are you two a couple?

Couple of what?

Oh, you know what I mean. Are you together?

We're just friends.

Oh, it's just that Eddie and I have always had this banter, you know,

we don't like each other. Well, actually, we get on really well. Do you?

I know.

On the surface, Eddie appears to be a fat, irritating waste of space. But deep

down, he's a good man.

Oh, I agree.

About him being a good man, I mean.

And at our age, good, honest men are few and far between.

Oh, you can say that again.

So I just think if I don't snap him up, someone else will. Do you know what I

mean? Someone more his type.

What is his type?

Small.

Quirky. Dumpy.

But I know he'll see past my classic features and schoolgirl figure.

We might not make the perfect match, but I need somebody to keep me warm at

night. Do you know what I mean?

Well, thanks for this little chat, Jacqueline. I really appreciate it.

It's difficult to understand.

She's trying to be your friend?

or a complete and total bitch?

I'm not sure.

It's unbelievable.

Plane delayed by three hours.

Two hours to get here on a coach, and now we're half checking in at reception.

It's most of our first day already.

If Malcolm were here, we'd have been in our rooms hours ago.

Oh, here we go.

The mysterious Malcolm comes to our rescue again.

Except, of course, he doesn't.

The point that my fiancé is an academic and a skilled mediator is fact, not a

mystery.

Well, that'd be so amazing. Why haven't we met him?

He has a job.

My apologies if that doesn't fit in with your whirlwind lifestyle of bookmakers

and pub quizzes.

What is that you keep eating?

Chalk.

It helps with my travel sickness.

I was hoping we might get a bit of late breakfast.

I love that bacon they have. It's oily, but not too oily.

And I love the way it gets stuck between your teeth.

You can enjoy it for the rest of the day.

Oh, dear God.

She needs to see a doctor.

That's not travel sickness.

She's not been right for weeks.

We don't need a doctor.

I know what's wrong with our party.

Do you?

Constant fatigue, vomiting and nausea.

Strange food cravings and 17 trips to the loo on a three -hour flight.

You don't think she's back on the bottle, do you?

No.

But I think she might be needing one soon.

She's pregnant.

Oh, thank you.

Well, obviously we just want what's best for Jodie.

OK, and I can call you any time.

Oh, thank you so much, Miss Hannigan.

Yeah, OK.

Bye.

Is that Jodie's teacher?

Yeah. Well, principal of the school.

She said Jodie's getting some great experience and we shouldn't worry.

Wasn't Miss Hannigan that drunk woman who runs the orphanage in Annie?

She wasn't drunk. I met her. She'd dunk her tobacco and had very manageable

hair, but she wasn't drunk.

Looking at that glistening torso, it's hard to believe you're a single man.

I won't argue with that.

No, you're more like four or five men all squashed into the one pair of

Ah, and you think you're such a prize, do you? All skin and bone.

You can still be healthy and have a gut.

Can't you, Sharon?

I beg your pardon?

So, did anyone fancy this dinosaur park, then?

I'm not bothered. No.

What is it?

Marvel as enormous, slow -moving mammals, once thought to be extinct,

breathe in tropical surroundings.

It doesn't seem much point.

It is good of you to cover for Les like this. Oh, I've known Les for over 15

years. Hey, I've lost count the number of times he's covered for me down at the

Geordie bar.

Covered you in what?

No, covered for us. You know, worked a shift in my bar.

His family is all theirs, you know what I mean?

I know you said something about family.

He's a canny lad.

Mind you, this fella, he's a Roman, eh? He's a what?

Roman. What is this?

He's like a twat.

Aye, like a twat.

Oh, yes.

Lord Henry, he is a great a twat.

Everything he touches turns to doggy do.

I never thought I would say this, but compared to Lord Henry, Mr.

Fitzsavage is actually a good manager.

Mind you, the good thing about having a soft manager is you can more or less get

away with anything.

Right. I'm heading for reception.

See you later.

Yes, Neville. See you later.

I don't give a toss if you've wrapped your bloody car around a lamppost. You

need to get here ASAP.

That's English.

For now.

The fighting dinosaurs have got a flat tyre.

Are you all right?

No, I don't feel well.

Are you too hot?

I told you to bring your umbrella hat. I know you said it makes you look a bit

simple. At least it keeps the sun off you. It's not the sun. I told you what

is.

That's why we're here. To conquer your fears.

No, but I don't think I can do it.

Well, she can do it. They're just plastic.

I know.

I know.

They're just plastic.

They're massive.

They're absolutely massive, with huge teeth and mad staring eyes, but they're

just plastic.

Let's just do it. Come on, you can hold me hand.

No, no, no, no. I'm sorry, Matteo. You've had all morning to tell me it was

day off.

We're running a skeleton staff as it is.

Oh, okay.

I'm terribly sorry.

Was there anything else?

Um... Yes.

Did you hear about Elvis? What about him? He's no longer touring.

Matteo, this is hardly news.

Elvis died in 1977.

Oh, Brian Elvis.

He was the tribute act in Neptune's for tonight.

He had the lariguitos. Oh, dear.

But it's not a problem. I have booked a traditional Spanish flamenco band.

For the same fee, of course.

Of course.

Flamenco, you say?

That does sound good.

It's very short notice.

Are you sure they'll turn up?

For sure. In fact, one of them is already here.

Wonderful.

Ole!

You got it.

Hey.

Never mind about getting Jacqueline hooked up. What about you?

What about me?

Well, I know you've got a very specific type, but I'm sure we could find another

little frog -faced heffalump if we look under enough stones.

I've never had a physical type. I go more for personality.

A decision you made after dumping Gavin, obviously.

Oh, the wonder returns.

I just had a little mooch about and I got talking to that Loretta who was here

earlier. Oh, yeah?

Oh, she seems nice.

She wants to make a move on Eddie.

I said, good luck to her, she'll need it.

Why's that?

Well, apparently his type of woman is short, quirky and dumpy.

No wonder he never made a move on me when we stayed here together last year.

Yeah, everything's fine, Dad.

Aw, yeah. I forgot how hilarious Neville is.

Okay, see you in a few days.

I love you, Dad.

Sam?

What are you doing?

Sorry, I'm sorry.

I was just trying to show you they're not real.

What, by being eaten by one?

Liam, you've got to get over this fear of dinosaurs.

Why? Why do I have to get over my fear of dinosaurs? Why don't I just never

back here ever again?

Because it's totally irrational.

You don't understand. You have no idea how scared I am. It's all about

overcoming your fears.

I have nothing to fear but fear itself.

I'm the one in control of this situation.

I will not be beaten.

There you go.

You just keep repeating that to yourself.

I have nothing to fear but fear itself.

I'm the one in control of this situation.

I will not be beaten. Shit!

Come on!

I have nothing to fear but fear itself.

That smells good.

Dossed dogs with mustard.

I'm telling you, man.

Sam thinks you're fit. She doesn't. I've had this before with older girls.

She thinks I'm cute. You know, dumb and cute.

But the question is, do you fancy her?

I don't know.

Never really thought about it.

Oh.

It's from Sam.

What did she say?

We'll be here soon, so just have a little bit more patience. Promise, yeah.

right, Sam.

What's going down?

Oh, me. I'm going down if these people don't get to see a live dinosaur fight.

Oh, yeah, this is going to be dope.

It would be if the special effects people doing it had turned up.

Sounds like you're up Jurassic Creek without a paddle.

We'll do it. Wear the costumes.

Come on, guys. This is no time to back out.

You've got to be joking. They're going to think we're taking the piss.

It'll be fine. As long as I provide a live dinosaur fight, they can't

Where did you get these costumes from?

They are so lame. Everyone's just going to laugh.

The park uses them to hand out flyers. Just hurry up.

Really?

Look at us.

Ladies and gentlemen, seniors and senoritas.

Witness in living color the battle of the giant.

Yeah, baby.

The terrifying Tyrannosaurus Rex. Yeah. Come on.

Versus the Tyrannosaurus Vex.

Please, children, sit back. These wild animals have not been fed.

Right. I want a good, clean fight.

No kicking, gouging, pulling of tails.

Eight three -minute rounds.

Go back to your corners and come out fighting!

Oh, bring it on.

Looks like I might get

paid after all.

See? Come on. I have nothing to fear but fear itself.

I'm no one in control of this situation.

I will not be retarded!

I don't know what came over me. It's as if the red mist appeared and when it had

gone there was you and two dinosaurs lying on the floor.

But on the positive side, I've completely gotten over my phobia of

I can't tell you how thrilled I am.

I'll get the drinks in.

Don't bother.

I'll go.

I'm not an invalid yet.

Let's just forget it. She's happy on her own.

No.

I think it's worth one last shot.

Kenneth.

Kenneth, no.

I, er... I just wanted to apologise for last night.

You've got nothing to apologise to me for.

Well, I think Jacqueline misunderstood what was going on.

What was going on?

Well... Not a lot by the end of the night, but I wanted you to know that I

that some feelings are going unspoken.

Oh, are they? Yeah, you know, some feelings that are a bit, well, difficult

express.

I'm pretty sure we both know what we're talking about, don't we?

Do we?

I think we do.

Quite often, in circumstances like this, it's two people waiting for the other

one to make the first move.

I don't think it is.

Oh, I guarantee it.

Oh, Eddie, please don't let an opportunity like this pass you by. You

believe me when I say that if you just come out and laid yourself bare, you'd

have me and Troy right behind you.

Bloody Nora.

What?

Oh, for God's sake, I was talking about... Not bad.

Oh, what about?

Oh, Jacqueline.

I think we've got some explaining to do.

Son, you can't just bone someone a pregnancy test and say, here, have a

on that, will you? I'm telling you, she's pregnant.

Who knows how long... You don't think she's giving birth in her room now, do

you? You said older women often have multiple births. And what if it's...

Five or six.

Mother, she's a middle -aged recovering alcoholic, not a cat.

I fell asleep in my room. Thanks for waking me.

Oh, how are you feeling, love?

Not much better, for truth to be told.

I'm just constantly tired.

What's that?

What's what?

That box.

What box?

The box you're slowly trying to put under the table.

Pauline, we're worried about you.

It's just a little travel sickness. It's nothing.

I don't mean today.

I mean the last few weeks.

I haven't had a drink for three months.

Yeah, and that's why we're worried.

Great.

What a family.

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Loves.

We think you might be pregnant.

Are you serious?

That's what makes it so hysterically funny.

It's a worry to us, love, because we don't know anything about this new chap

you've got.

What's Malcolm got to do with any of this? You mean it's not the father?

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I'm going to the lavatory.

Take this, Pauline, please.

Oh, for goodness sake.

Please, love, for me.

We're worried about you.

If it'll stop your incessant bleating.

Mind how you go.

Well, all in all, not a bad first day.

Rather remiss of Joyce to give 17 members of staff a day off on the same

But we shall have a full compliment in the morning, and tomorrow belongs to the

people who prepare for it today.

Why are you dressed like a clown?

I'm King Louis XVI of France.

They promoted you from a lord, so now you have to dress like this?

No. There's still been this tradition for at least one member of staff to wear

wig and high heels in their shoes.

So I sent someone to my office to grab this little number.

Always goes down a storm at consulate Christmas parties.

I'm sorry, King Henry, but when you finish talking, I need to pay my group.

Oh, yes, of course.

Can you come to my office after you've played?

Now is better.

Oh, right. I see.

It's not a problem.

I don't make a habit of robbing Peter to pay Paul, but...

I don't know who these people are.

Thank you.

German nights, all main meals will be served with pickled cabbage.

Oh, I don't fancy that.

It's disgusting.

My father lost a leg at Battle of the Bulge, so we didn't have to eat pickled

cabbage. Looks like the Battle of the Bulge hasn't finished, has it?

That joke is in very poor taste.

I think that's poor taste. Wait till you try the pickled cabbage.

Hey, an audience with Rob Dawson.

Seats at all prices.

Ah.

Why don't we go to that Chinese up the road? Mr. Wu's, my treat.

Your treat?

You want a sponsored overdraft? It's eight euros a head. That's less than 50

euros for the lot of us. You save your money, son.

It might be a rubbish dinner, but it'll be a lovely pudding.

We've still got our Geordie's cake.

It's that fella that gave it to him.

Hey, that's that barman from the pool bar.

I hope he's better at singing than he is at serving drinks.

He scrubs off quite well, that one.

That's all he needs, vampire, to give him the gladiator by putting him off his

stroke. Be careful, Eddie. I'm not as deaf as you are stupid.

One more crack like that and I'll shove that ugly head of yours so far up your

arse you'll be able to chew your pickled cabbage again on the way out.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Señores y señoritas, I give you...

the music of Spain.

Heck, no wonder he gave us the music of Spain.

I don't suppose he could find anybody else who wanted it.

Bloody hell. Between the German food and the Spanish singing, no wonder people

want to pull out of the European Union.

Oh, son, I'm not proud of you when you talk politics.

Well? Well, what?

Was it positive?

Of course it wasn't.

Now, can we put this preposterous notion finally behind us?

Does that sound good to me?

It went a bit heavy on the pickled cabbage.

It's German night.

Ooh, yummy.

Eat me by a sauerkraut.

How are you feeling?

Not great.

I've still got that painful ringing in my ears.

Mate, that's not from earlier.

British Square?

British Square.

Is he in pain?

I don't know, but I am.

I can't take much more of this. I've never heard a man scream like that.

Speak for yourself.

Excuse me.

Hmm?

Where's my cake?

Cake? Yeah, the cake I brought in earlier today for you to look after.

Oh, I'm not sure I'll have to ask the manager.

Here he is.

Everything okay? Yeah, this lady would like a word with you. Oh, good evening,

madam. I'm Henry, the acting manager.

How can I help you? I brought in a chocolate cake earlier. It had welcome

written in icing on the top.

That was from you?

I know, it was absolutely delicious and such a kind gesture.

You what?

The cake.

So kind.

Although... Chocolate buttercream.

A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

That was my daughter's cake.

I'm sorry?

You've eaten our daughter's cake?

Oh, heavens, I thought... That seems to have been a terrible misunderstanding.

You've eaten a nine -year -old's chocolate cake?

Well, I've heard it all now.

I can assure you we will recompense you for the cake and any inconvenience

caused. 50 euros that cake was.

That's not a problem. 50 euros for a chocolate... Good cake.

It was a special type of cake. My granddaughter's allergic to Spanish

She's a very sensitive child.

My sincere apologies.

Mr. Woods?

Get in.

Right, let's finish these drinks.

Right. First of all, how dare you turn down my tennis?

Excuse me. Jacqueline, please.

Sorry, there's been a bit of a misunderstanding.

Oh, you poor...

quiet. I'm saying the piece.

And another thing.

When you said short, strange, dumper woman, you meant me, didn't you? I never

said strange.

I am not interested.

If you fancy a day as much as you said you did, you're welcome to.

What?

Cratched on a bike.

Tackling, come away.

I said those things for your benefit.

My benefit?

I said you wanted him to keep you warm at night.

Oh, my God.

Come on, we should go.

You can have him.

And he can have your schoolgirl figure.

What have you been saying?

I was trying to help.

No, you've got a funny way of showing it.

Let's go get some sweets.

Mummy, you don't really sound... No, of course I bloody don't.

Yes,

Matteo there and his marvellous band.

It's so wonderful to start the evening off with a smattering of local music.

now let's continue the evening in true Benidorm fashion.

Karaoke.

Play something, anything.

No, no, please don't go. The evening's only just getting going.

Oh, okay.

I come home in the morning light. My mother says, when you go to live your

right. Oh, mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones.

And girls, they want to have fun.

Oh, now, that's more like it.

What?

What are you doing?

Get off. Get out of my bag.

That doesn't belong to you. That's my property.

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

Well, that's my business.

That's my private business.

You want to be an uncle?

Oh, yes.

It's all about...

Isn't it?