All language subtitles for Benidorm s09e05.eng

What's all

that

about?

You didn't get any brown sauce, did you?

No, only ketchup.

Can you get us some brown sauce while
you're on your feet?

I'm not on my feet.

You were when I started that sentence.

Where's Sharon?

She's gone for a cake.

Well, that's her diet blown, then.

She's not on a diet. She's gone to try
and find a cake for our Jodie coming

today.

Morning.

Morning.

Morning, son.

I don't suppose you got any brown sauce,
did you?

With plaque?

Coffee?

How are you feeling?

I am never drinking again.

You know what's good for a hangover?

Drinking heavily the night before?

What?

Never mind. Go on then, Grandad.

What's good for a hangover?

Brown sauce.

Really? That's why they say, have you
been on the sauce?

Bit of brown sauce, it's like hair of
the dog.

Clear the hangover of yours in minutes.

Cheers, Grandad.

Get us a couple while you're there, will
you, son?

OK.

What?

So, breakfast in the indoor market, then
we head up to the dinosaur park.

I don't think I can. I'm waiting for
Neville.

Who's Neville? He's my dad's mate from
the Geordie bar. He's covering for my

while he's in the UK.

Who's in the UK? Your dad?

Yeah. What's he doing there? It's just
family stuff, nothing exciting.

Sam, about the dinosaur park.

Oh, I am on such a good number there.
All I've done is organise a few little

shows and that for the start of their
season, and I'm getting 500 euros.

Can you believe it?

No, I mean... Well, I don't really like
dinosaurs.

Never have done since I was a kid.

Oh, you're so cute. I bet you were
scared of the dark and all.

Yeah, I was.

Terrified.

Don't worry, these dinosaurs are made of
plastic.

The worst they can do on a day like this
is melt on you.

Aya, is there any way you can put this
cake? It's for my daughter, but it'll

melt outside.

Indoor market.

Do you want it in the fridge?

No, no, no, just out of the sun will be
fine. Can I have a peek?

Is it her birthday?

Oh, welcome back.

Has she been anywhere nice?

She's been in the UK working on a
television commercial.

Your daughter's going to be on the
telly? Yeah.

She's very talented.

I'll keep my eye out for it. What's the
commercial for?

Er, adult nappies.

Oh, I think Kenneth from Blow & Go had a
dabble with them before they got the

pipes cleaned at the Pink Trombone.

Well, er, I'd better get on.

Thanks for that. Lovely.

I'll put it somewhere safe.

Lola!

Can you put this somewhere safe?

Out of the sun.

Sin el sol. Sin el sol.

Thank you.

Good morning.

It's Joyce.

I'm afraid Miss Temple Savage is away at
the moment. Have you got a mobile

number? Yes, I have. In fact, I've just
got a text from her thanking me. As I

was passing, I thought I'd just pop in
and find out why.

I mean, why she's thanking me.

Is it casual Friday?

No, it's not even Friday.

Oh, I see what you mean. No, I'm not
wearing the Solana uniform because I

in the hair salon. I'm just covering for
my dad.

Little Geordie fella. Often wears a
dress.

Oh. Of course, Les.

Or Leslie.

The Solano have been very accommodating.

As they should be.

I've just spent a few days in the UK
with some chums from the House of Lords.

No stranger to a backless cocktail frock
amongst those boys.

Oh, while I'm here, I don't suppose your
IT department could have a look at my

phone? It's not working while I was in
the UK. I've not had an email through

days. Do you want me to have a word with
Baby Jesus?

I beg your pardon?

Oh. Jesus in maintenance.

His son, Baby Jesus, sometimes comes in
and helps with the computers.

Well, I've always said it pays to have a
friend in Jesus.

Have a seat.

Probably take a few minutes to track him
down.

I'm sure.

He probably moves in a mysterious way.

Won't be long.

He might be next door, singing karaoke
songs by the Carpenters. Could you just

sit down, please?

Sorry.

Could you find baby Jesus and bring him
to reception?

There's somebody in need of his
guidance. Bless you.

Devon Panic Young and Neville's here to
save the day.

Neville, you're right.

Hey, champion man.

Never better. Oh, thanks for this.

Hey, no problem. Right, you get yourself
off. Do you not want me to show you

around, introduce you to people?

Hey, I've got a tongue in my head, and
Les has emailed all the staff, and he's

left us a list of instructions.

I'll soon find my way around.

Well, this is really good of you. No
problem. Hey, blood's thicker than

and brown ale is thicker than both of
them put together. Go on, get yourself

away. Give me a call if you need me.
Aye, aye, aye, you get yourself away.

Honestly, Bessie, you'll thank me for
getting rid of that side parting.

With your high forehead and them heavy
eyelids, there was more than a whiff of

Boris Karloff about you.

There you go, love.

Morning. Have you got an appointment?

No, I was just wondering if you can do
something with this.

Oh, love, I'm an hairstylist, not a vet.

You cheeky sod, it's a clip -on.

I know.

I'm just pulling your leg.

Look, have you thought about treating
yourself to a new one? It'll probably

out cheaper, you know.

Let me get the book for you. OK, thanks.

Oh, going home?

No, I went home when I came back.

Morning.

Afternoon.

Here you go.

Thank you. Oh, yeah.

Is Liam not around?

No, Dale.

Oh, he's got a nice day for it. Oh,
you're joking, aren't you? Not if you're

little ginge. He'll be barricaded under
the staircase at home, covered in

sunblock.

Think that's you?

Jacqueline not up yet? No, I'm a bit
worried about her.

Why? What's wrong with her?

Nothing, I just think we really messed
up her chances last night with Eddie.

know, going with her to his party.

Why? It's not your fault that Captain
Birdside didn't get his fish fingers.

There was half a Benidorm there, wasn't
there?

It's been two years since Donald's
passing.

Why do you think we're as lonely?

Excuse me, your friend Jacqueline, are
you trying to pair her up with Eddie

Dawson? Oh, my God.

I've just recognised you.

He's your husband, isn't he?

Sorry.

A bit of sick just came up into my
throat.

No, he's not. He's my daughter's father
-in -law.

You didn't mean to call him Captain
Bird.

You're all right. You want to hear what
I call him. I think it's a great idea.

Maybe I could be of some help.

I'll have a number 36, please.

Morning, boys.

Morning, Jacqueline.

Hiya.

Flan and toast.

Perfect. Ten euros, please. That's
gorgeous.

And don't worry about your friends and
Eddie.

Leave that to me.

Bye, love.

What is wrong with me mother?

Why can't she answer the phone like a
normal person?

It keeps ringing, but she's definitely
landed.

It pains me to say it, but I've always
found your mother to be a very ignorant

woman. They're here.

Look, they're here.

Woo!

Right, Rob, go to reception and ask for
the cake.

Well, I'm saying they... Where's Jodie?

Where's our Jodie? Is that you? Keeps
ringing the phones in the bottom of my

case. Do you have finished with these
drinks?

Where's Jodie? Well, hang on a minute.
Before you go mad... Where?

Where is Jodie? It's actually really
good news. Mother, where is my daughter?

Have you finished with this drink? Oh,
be quiet.

Has she got another job?

What do you mean, she's got another job?

The director of the TV commercial,
Brian, his name, was late 50s, but a

strong head of hair on him.

Brian liked Jodie so much, he put her in
a commercial for dog food for Germany.

She's gone to bloody Germany?

No, don't be ridiculous, as if I'd let
her go to Germany.

No, they're filming in Scotland for four
days.

If my daughter is in Scotland for four
days, then what the frigging hell are

doing here?

I'm on the holiday.

What is wrong with you? Have you
completely lost your mind?

Hey, hey, enough of this crazy
screaming.

Loretta, who is actually looking after
Geordie? She's fine. Her best friend

school is on the same job, so they're
with her mother, Lisa. Was it Lisa or

Lena? Something like that.

Mum, where are you going?

Where do you think I'm going?

I'm going to get my daughter.

Sharon. Sharon.

Hang on.

Mother.

Talk about making a mountain out of a
molehill. Bacardi and Coke, please,

I'm sorry, madam. You cannot see the
manager as we don't have one at the

But your complaint of the beach being
too sandy is not really for us. It's for

the town hall.

Oh, let's go.

Hello. I spoke to baby Jesus, and he
managed to download all my emails from

past few days.

Well, as far as that's the power of
prayer.

And, well, it would appear I've been
asked to step into the breach.

Step into the what?

I'm your relief manager while Joyce is
in Barcelona.

Oh. And you're Les, aren't you?

Sorry, I'm used to seeing you in the wig
and the dress.

Oh. Yeah, Les. Les, that's me. Well,
welcome aboard.

Oh.

Oh,

my.

Days. Worth the bus journey, yeah?

Uh, yeah.

They're so lifelike, they're freaking me
out, man.

Hey, Jerry, what do you call a one -eyed
dinosaur?

I don't know.

Do you think he saw us? Who?

The one -eyed dinosaur.

I don't know, which one is he?

No, that's the name of the dinosaur
that's got one eye. What is?

Do you think he saw us?

It's this one, definitely, but it can't
have been this one, because he's got two

eyes.

All right, boys, getting OK with your
free passes?

Yeah, great, thanks.

This place is incredible, ain't it?

It's all right.

Pretty impressive, yeah.

And if you think these are good, wait
till you see the live dinosaur fight

arranged later on.

Live dinosaur fight?

Who said they were extinct?

Seriously, he knows nothing.

Hey, Sam, what do you call a dinosaur
with one eye?

I don't know, Joey. What do you call a
dinosaur with one eye? Oh, it's not for

me. It's something Tiger wanted to know.

You know he'd get a slap if he weren't
so damn cute.

Come on Liam.

I feel sick.

Sharon, let's just sit down and talk
about this. What's there to talk about?

My mother has just proved herself to be
even more irresponsible than your

father, and that's saying something.

It's not a competition of who's the best
grandparents.

Although if it was, top marks to me dad
in coming first. Yeah, out of two

grandparents, he's a clear winner over
the Wicked Witch of the West. You must

so proud.

Look, we just need to stop, calm down,
and take things one step at a time. One

step at a time?

Our daughter has been abandoned in a
foreign country!

Mum? She hasn't been abandoned. We've
just been told she... Scotland's not a

foreign country, is it? Mum.

Rob, is Scotland classed as a foreign
country? Or did you mean foreign to the

country we're in now?

Mother! What?

Jodie wants to speak to you.

Mum?

Mum, can you see me?

Oh, Jodie.

Jodie, darling.

Are you all right? I'm so sorry.

I'm fine.

What are you sorry about?

Fernanda Tate's coming back to Spain and
leaving you there.

She didn't want to leave me here. I told
her I wouldn't go back.

But, darling, who were you with there?

I'm with my friend Emily and her mum.

She's my official chaperone.

And Mrs Kelly from school is here
looking after us as well.

OK. Well, don't you worry, sweetheart.

I'm going to be on the next plane
leaving from Alicante.

Why are you coming here?

Well, don't you want me there?

There's no point, Mum. We're working all
day.

We'd hardly see each other.

Plus, if you came here, my dad, Rob,
Grandad Dawson and Nana Chase would be

missing you.

Oh, we would?

Yeah. Plus, strikes and stuff cost
money.

I'm only getting £10 ,000 for this ad.

What was that, Jodie? That last bit,
there was a bit of interference.

It's the Wi -Fi here. Can you say that
last bit again?

Get out of the way!

Jodie, we're ready for you.

They're calling for me. I'll speak to
you later.

Bye!

I love you.

I love you, bye!

Tell Mrs Kelly to give me a ring.

She looks fine to me.

She looks dead happy.

Yeah, she's got people looking after
her.

What do you want to do, Mum?

I don't know.

But I could do with a drink first.

Come on.

Did he want to catch how much he's
getting for this advert?

I thought he had to say 10 ,000, but it
might not have been... It might have

been less. I mean, I don't think it was
less.

Actually, it might be more.

Is anybody listening to me?

Kids are wrapped in cotton wool these
days. You'd be surprised how much they

take care of themselves.

She's nine.

She's got people looking after her
friend and a dog to play with, more than

had when I was her age.

Some things never change.

Only way to get a dog to play with you
would be to hang a pork chop round your

neck. Very funny.

Aye, aye.

Five -inch quarter bike.

Would you like a priest to read the last
rites before you go to meet your maker?

Tempting fate a bit, talking about
meeting your maker, the size of you

the double brandies.

There's no need for that.

Never start something you can't finish,
Eddie Dawson. Remember that.

All sorted?

No, it's not all sorted.

Well, are you going or are you staying?

She's staying. We're all staying.

For now.

I'm speaking to the principal of Jodie's
school later.

Did you say you'd got a cake, Sharon?

It'd be a shame to waste it.

Well, first of all, can I say thank you
to Les for assembling everyone here? And

what an unexpected honour it is to be
asked to captain the good ship Solana

into, hopefully, not too choppy waters.

Choppy who?

Choppy waters.

Who's choppy waters?

No, what I mean is... What he's trying
to say is that he hopes everything goes

OK while he's the manager.

Fatty chance.

I'll be the first to admit that running
a hotel does not come second nature to

me, but I imagine Joyce and Crystal know
their staff here are such a well -oiled

machine, all that's needed is a mere
steady hand to administer the odd

Of oil, I mean.

Into the machine.

Does anyone understand a single word
about what she's talking?

To sum up, and in brief, I see the staff
of the Solana not working for me over

the next two days, but working with me.

One hand washes the other.

Lord Henry, when you have finished
washing your hands, can we please get

work? Yes, yes, of course.

Just before you go, can I just say thank
you so much for the delicious cake

welcoming me back to the Solana. Please
do take a slice with you as you go back

to work.

No fancy dress today, Les?

Sorry?

The wig, the make -up, the comedy
boobies, one bigger than the other.

Oh, well, I didn't want to steal your
thunder.

I'm sorry?

Well, there's an old Solana tradition
that requires every new member of staff

appear in fancy dress in Neptunes on
their first night.

I'm sure there's a wig and a pair of
high heels behind reception.

Oh, dear.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I was mostly checking.

You don't think they've gone self
-service, do you?

Mother, this is a Spanish hotel, not a
school canteen.

There's not one member of staff.

Oh, hang on.

It says here for stays less than seven
days, check -in is after 2pm.

I feel so nauseous. If I don't eat soon,
I'm going to faint.

Oh, Polly, not again.

When you vomited in that fire bucket at
Alicante, I was hoping that was the last

of it.

Should have got back on the plane.

We need to check in.

Where are all your staff?

I want to see the hotel manager now.

We do not have a hotel manager.

I am a bar manager.

Do you understand?

Shall we go for a walk?

Officially, this... Still an hour before
we could check in.

I'll deal with this.

All right.

No mattering about, pal.

I've been here before.

I understand how this kind of thing
works.

Looking for a bit of a palm greasing,
aren't you?

Not from you.

No.

I mean, you want a few shekels for your
trouble?

Why is nobody talking the Queenie
English today?

A tip.

You want some money?

A tip for letting us check in early.

Oh, OK.

It's all right. I've got this.

How much?

100 euros.

What? 100 euros? What have you done?

Welcome to the Solana.

Do we have a problem?

Oh, well, we'd like to check him, but
we're a little bit early.

Oh, I don't think that's the problem.

You're not helping Kenneth with the blow
-and -go today?

It's a kind of working holiday.

They do the work and I have the holiday.

The card's in court, please.

Hello, it's Jacqueline, isn't it? I'm
Loretta.

Hello, you were in blow -and -go
earlier.

That's right. I came to ask you a
question, but I kind of lost my nerve.

Oh, really?

Yes, it's about Eddie.

What about him?

It's none of my business, but are you
two a couple?

Couple of what?

Oh, you know what I mean. Are you
together?

We're just friends.

Oh, it's just that Eddie and I have
always had this banter, you know,

we don't like each other. Well,
actually, we get on really well. Do you?

I know.

On the surface, Eddie appears to be a
fat, irritating waste of space. But deep

down, he's a good man.

Oh, I agree.

About him being a good man, I mean.

And at our age, good, honest men are few
and far between.

Oh, you can say that again.

So I just think if I don't snap him up,
someone else will. Do you know what I

mean? Someone more his type.

What is his type?

Small.

Quirky. Dumpy.

But I know he'll see past my classic
features and schoolgirl figure.

We might not make the perfect match, but
I need somebody to keep me warm at

night. Do you know what I mean?

Well, thanks for this little chat,
Jacqueline. I really appreciate it.

It's difficult to understand.

She's trying to be your friend?

or a complete and total bitch?

I'm not sure.

It's unbelievable.

Plane delayed by three hours.

Two hours to get here on a coach, and
now we're half checking in at reception.

It's most of our first day already.

If Malcolm were here, we'd have been in
our rooms hours ago.

Oh, here we go.

The mysterious Malcolm comes to our
rescue again.

Except, of course, he doesn't.

The point that my fiancé is an academic
and a skilled mediator is fact, not a

mystery.

Well, that'd be so amazing. Why haven't
we met him?

He has a job.

My apologies if that doesn't fit in with
your whirlwind lifestyle of bookmakers

and pub quizzes.

What is that you keep eating?

Chalk.

It helps with my travel sickness.

I was hoping we might get a bit of late
breakfast.

I love that bacon they have. It's oily,
but not too oily.

And I love the way it gets stuck between
your teeth.

You can enjoy it for the rest of the
day.

Oh, dear God.

She needs to see a doctor.

That's not travel sickness.

She's not been right for weeks.

We don't need a doctor.

I know what's wrong with our party.

Do you?

Constant fatigue, vomiting and nausea.

Strange food cravings and 17 trips to
the loo on a three -hour flight.

You don't think she's back on the
bottle, do you?

No.

But I think she might be needing one
soon.

She's pregnant.

Oh, thank you.

Well, obviously we just want what's best
for Jodie.

OK, and I can call you any time.

Oh, thank you so much, Miss Hannigan.

Yeah, OK.

Bye.

Is that Jodie's teacher?

Yeah. Well, principal of the school.

She said Jodie's getting some great
experience and we shouldn't worry.

Wasn't Miss Hannigan that drunk woman
who runs the orphanage in Annie?

She wasn't drunk. I met her. She'd dunk
her tobacco and had very manageable

hair, but she wasn't drunk.

Looking at that glistening torso, it's
hard to believe you're a single man.

I won't argue with that.

No, you're more like four or five men
all squashed into the one pair of

Ah, and you think you're such a prize,
do you? All skin and bone.

You can still be healthy and have a gut.

Can't you, Sharon?

I beg your pardon?

So, did anyone fancy this dinosaur park,
then?

I'm not bothered. No.

What is it?

Marvel as enormous, slow -moving
mammals, once thought to be extinct,

breathe in tropical surroundings.

It doesn't seem much point.

It is good of you to cover for Les like
this. Oh, I've known Les for over 15

years. Hey, I've lost count the number
of times he's covered for me down at the

Geordie bar.

Covered you in what?

No, covered for us. You know, worked a
shift in my bar.

His family is all theirs, you know what
I mean?

I know you said something about family.

He's a canny lad.

Mind you, this fella, he's a Roman, eh?
He's a what?

Roman. What is this?

He's like a twat.

Aye, like a twat.

Oh, yes.

Lord Henry, he is a great a twat.

Everything he touches turns to doggy do.

I never thought I would say this, but
compared to Lord Henry, Mr.

Fitzsavage is actually a good manager.

Mind you, the good thing about having a
soft manager is you can more or less get

away with anything.

Right. I'm heading for reception.

See you later.

Yes, Neville. See you later.

I don't give a toss if you've wrapped
your bloody car around a lamppost. You

need to get here ASAP.

That's English.

For now.

The fighting dinosaurs have got a flat
tyre.

Are you all right?

No, I don't feel well.

Are you too hot?

I told you to bring your umbrella hat. I
know you said it makes you look a bit

simple. At least it keeps the sun off
you. It's not the sun. I told you what

is.

That's why we're here. To conquer your
fears.

No, but I don't think I can do it.

Well, she can do it. They're just
plastic.

I know.

I know.

They're just plastic.

They're massive.

They're absolutely massive, with huge
teeth and mad staring eyes, but they're

just plastic.

Let's just do it. Come on, you can hold
me hand.

No, no, no, no. I'm sorry, Matteo.
You've had all morning to tell me it was

day off.

We're running a skeleton staff as it is.

Oh, okay.

I'm terribly sorry.

Was there anything else?

Um... Yes.

Did you hear about Elvis? What about
him? He's no longer touring.

Matteo, this is hardly news.

Elvis died in 1977.

Oh, Brian Elvis.

He was the tribute act in Neptune's for
tonight.

He had the lariguitos. Oh, dear.

But it's not a problem. I have booked a
traditional Spanish flamenco band.

For the same fee, of course.

Of course.

Flamenco, you say?

That does sound good.

It's very short notice.

Are you sure they'll turn up?

For sure. In fact, one of them is
already here.

Wonderful.

Ole!

You got it.

Hey.

Never mind about getting Jacqueline
hooked up. What about you?

What about me?

Well, I know you've got a very specific
type, but I'm sure we could find another

little frog -faced heffalump if we look
under enough stones.

I've never had a physical type. I go
more for personality.

A decision you made after dumping Gavin,
obviously.

Oh, the wonder returns.

I just had a little mooch about and I
got talking to that Loretta who was here

earlier. Oh, yeah?

Oh, she seems nice.

She wants to make a move on Eddie.

I said, good luck to her, she'll need
it.

Why's that?

Well, apparently his type of woman is
short, quirky and dumpy.

No wonder he never made a move on me
when we stayed here together last year.

Yeah, everything's fine, Dad.

Aw, yeah. I forgot how hilarious Neville
is.

Okay, see you in a few days.

I love you, Dad.

Sam?

What are you doing?

Sorry, I'm sorry.

I was just trying to show you they're
not real.

What, by being eaten by one?

Liam, you've got to get over this fear
of dinosaurs.

Why? Why do I have to get over my fear
of dinosaurs? Why don't I just never

back here ever again?

Because it's totally irrational.

You don't understand. You have no idea
how scared I am. It's all about

overcoming your fears.

I have nothing to fear but fear itself.

I'm the one in control of this
situation.

I will not be beaten.

There you go.

You just keep repeating that to
yourself.

I have nothing to fear but fear itself.

I'm the one in control of this
situation.

I will not be beaten. Shit!

Come on!

I have nothing to fear but fear itself.

That smells good.

Dossed dogs with mustard.

I'm telling you, man.

Sam thinks you're fit. She doesn't. I've
had this before with older girls.

She thinks I'm cute. You know, dumb and
cute.

But the question is, do you fancy her?

I don't know.

Never really thought about it.

Oh.

It's from Sam.

What did she say?

We'll be here soon, so just have a
little bit more patience. Promise, yeah.

right, Sam.

What's going down?

Oh, me. I'm going down if these people
don't get to see a live dinosaur fight.

Oh, yeah, this is going to be dope.

It would be if the special effects
people doing it had turned up.

Sounds like you're up Jurassic Creek
without a paddle.

We'll do it. Wear the costumes.

Come on, guys. This is no time to back
out.

You've got to be joking. They're going
to think we're taking the piss.

It'll be fine. As long as I provide a
live dinosaur fight, they can't

Where did you get these costumes from?

They are so lame. Everyone's just going
to laugh.

The park uses them to hand out flyers.
Just hurry up.

Really?

Look at us.

Ladies and gentlemen, seniors and
senoritas.

Witness in living color the battle of
the giant.

Yeah, baby.

The terrifying Tyrannosaurus Rex. Yeah.
Come on.

Versus the Tyrannosaurus Vex.

Please, children, sit back. These wild
animals have not been fed.

Right. I want a good, clean fight.

No kicking, gouging, pulling of tails.

Eight three -minute rounds.

Go back to your corners and come out
fighting!

Oh, bring it on.

Looks like I might get

paid after all.

See? Come on. I have nothing to fear but
fear itself.

I'm no one in control of this situation.

I will not be retarded!

I don't know what came over me. It's as
if the red mist appeared and when it had

gone there was you and two dinosaurs
lying on the floor.

But on the positive side, I've
completely gotten over my phobia of

I can't tell you how thrilled I am.

I'll get the drinks in.

Don't bother.

I'll go.

I'm not an invalid yet.

Let's just forget it. She's happy on her
own.

No.

I think it's worth one last shot.

Kenneth.

Kenneth, no.

I, er... I just wanted to apologise for
last night.

You've got nothing to apologise to me
for.

Well, I think Jacqueline misunderstood
what was going on.

What was going on?

Well... Not a lot by the end of the
night, but I wanted you to know that I

that some feelings are going unspoken.

Oh, are they? Yeah, you know, some
feelings that are a bit, well, difficult

express.

I'm pretty sure we both know what we're
talking about, don't we?

Do we?

I think we do.

Quite often, in circumstances like this,
it's two people waiting for the other

one to make the first move.

I don't think it is.

Oh, I guarantee it.

Oh, Eddie, please don't let an
opportunity like this pass you by. You

believe me when I say that if you just
come out and laid yourself bare, you'd

have me and Troy right behind you.

Bloody Nora.

What?

Oh, for God's sake, I was talking
about... Not bad.

Oh, what about?

Oh, Jacqueline.

I think we've got some explaining to do.

Son, you can't just bone someone a
pregnancy test and say, here, have a

on that, will you? I'm telling you,
she's pregnant.

Who knows how long... You don't think
she's giving birth in her room now, do

you? You said older women often have
multiple births. And what if it's...

Five or six.

Mother, she's a middle -aged recovering
alcoholic, not a cat.

I fell asleep in my room. Thanks for
waking me.

Oh, how are you feeling, love?

Not much better, for truth to be told.

I'm just constantly tired.

What's that?

What's what?

That box.

What box?

The box you're slowly trying to put
under the table.

Pauline, we're worried about you.

It's just a little travel sickness. It's
nothing.

I don't mean today.

I mean the last few weeks.

I haven't had a drink for three months.

Yeah, and that's why we're worried.

Great.

What a family.

You're damned if you do and damned if
you don't.

Loves.

We think you might be pregnant.

Are you serious?

That's what makes it so hysterically
funny.

It's a worry to us, love, because we
don't know anything about this new chap

you've got.

What's Malcolm got to do with any of
this? You mean it's not the father?

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I'm going to the lavatory.

Take this, Pauline, please.

Oh, for goodness sake.

Please, love, for me.

We're worried about you.

If it'll stop your incessant bleating.

Mind how you go.

Well, all in all, not a bad first day.

Rather remiss of Joyce to give 17
members of staff a day off on the same

But we shall have a full compliment in
the morning, and tomorrow belongs to the

people who prepare for it today.

Why are you dressed like a clown?

I'm King Louis XVI of France.

They promoted you from a lord, so now
you have to dress like this?

No. There's still been this tradition
for at least one member of staff to wear

wig and high heels in their shoes.

So I sent someone to my office to grab
this little number.

Always goes down a storm at consulate
Christmas parties.

I'm sorry, King Henry, but when you
finish talking, I need to pay my group.

Oh, yes, of course.

Can you come to my office after you've
played?

Now is better.

Oh, right. I see.

It's not a problem.

I don't make a habit of robbing Peter to
pay Paul, but...

I don't know who these people are.

Thank you.

German nights, all main meals will be
served with pickled cabbage.

Oh, I don't fancy that.

It's disgusting.

My father lost a leg at Battle of the
Bulge, so we didn't have to eat pickled

cabbage. Looks like the Battle of the
Bulge hasn't finished, has it?

That joke is in very poor taste.

I think that's poor taste. Wait till you
try the pickled cabbage.

Hey, an audience with Rob Dawson.

Seats at all prices.

Ah.

Why don't we go to that Chinese up the
road? Mr. Wu's, my treat.

Your treat?

You want a sponsored overdraft? It's
eight euros a head. That's less than 50

euros for the lot of us. You save your
money, son.

It might be a rubbish dinner, but it'll
be a lovely pudding.

We've still got our Geordie's cake.

It's that fella that gave it to him.

Hey, that's that barman from the pool
bar.

I hope he's better at singing than he is
at serving drinks.

He scrubs off quite well, that one.

That's all he needs, vampire, to give
him the gladiator by putting him off his

stroke. Be careful, Eddie. I'm not as
deaf as you are stupid.

One more crack like that and I'll shove
that ugly head of yours so far up your

arse you'll be able to chew your pickled
cabbage again on the way out.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Señores y señoritas, I give you...

the music of Spain.

Heck, no wonder he gave us the music of
Spain.

I don't suppose he could find anybody
else who wanted it.

Bloody hell. Between the German food and
the Spanish singing, no wonder people

want to pull out of the European Union.

Oh, son, I'm not proud of you when you
talk politics.

Well? Well, what?

Was it positive?

Of course it wasn't.

Now, can we put this preposterous notion
finally behind us?

Does that sound good to me?

It went a bit heavy on the pickled
cabbage.

It's German night.

Ooh, yummy.

Eat me by a sauerkraut.

How are you feeling?

Not great.

I've still got that painful ringing in
my ears.

Mate, that's not from earlier.

British Square?

British Square.

Is he in pain?

I don't know, but I am.

I can't take much more of this. I've
never heard a man scream like that.

Speak for yourself.

Excuse me.

Hmm?

Where's my cake?

Cake? Yeah, the cake I brought in
earlier today for you to look after.

Oh, I'm not sure I'll have to ask the
manager.

Here he is.

Everything okay? Yeah, this lady would
like a word with you. Oh, good evening,

madam. I'm Henry, the acting manager.

How can I help you? I brought in a
chocolate cake earlier. It had welcome

written in icing on the top.

That was from you?

I know, it was absolutely delicious and
such a kind gesture.

You what?

The cake.

So kind.

Although... Chocolate buttercream.

A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the
hips.

That was my daughter's cake.

I'm sorry?

You've eaten our daughter's cake?

Oh, heavens, I thought... That seems to
have been a terrible misunderstanding.

You've eaten a nine -year -old's
chocolate cake?

Well, I've heard it all now.

I can assure you we will recompense you
for the cake and any inconvenience

caused. 50 euros that cake was.

That's not a problem. 50 euros for a
chocolate... Good cake.

It was a special type of cake. My
granddaughter's allergic to Spanish

She's a very sensitive child.

My sincere apologies.

Mr. Woods?

Get in.

Right, let's finish these drinks.

Right. First of all, how dare you turn
down my tennis?

Excuse me. Jacqueline, please.

Sorry, there's been a bit of a
misunderstanding.

Oh, you poor...

quiet. I'm saying the piece.

And another thing.

When you said short, strange, dumper
woman, you meant me, didn't you? I never

said strange.

I am not interested.

If you fancy a day as much as you said
you did, you're welcome to.

What?

Cratched on a bike.

Tackling, come away.

I said those things for your benefit.

My benefit?

I said you wanted him to keep you warm
at night.

Oh, my God.

Come on, we should go.

You can have him.

And he can have your schoolgirl figure.

What have you been saying?

I was trying to help.

No, you've got a funny way of showing
it.

Let's go get some sweets.

Mummy, you don't really sound... No, of
course I bloody don't.

Yes,

Matteo there and his marvellous band.

It's so wonderful to start the evening
off with a smattering of local music.

now let's continue the evening in true
Benidorm fashion.

Karaoke.

Play something, anything.

No, no, please don't go. The evening's
only just getting going.

Oh, okay.

I come home in the morning light. My
mother says, when you go to live your

right. Oh, mother dear, we're not the
fortunate ones.

And girls, they want to have fun.

Oh, now, that's more like it.

What?

What are you doing?

Get off. Get out of my bag.

That doesn't belong to you. That's my
property.

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

Well, that's my business.

That's my private business.

You want to be an uncle?

Oh, yes.

It's all about...

Isn't it?

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