Original subtitles

You're up to no good.

What?

The only time you're quiet is when you're asleep or up to no good.

That's not true.

I'm often quiet.

Yeah, and you're often up to no good.

What are you doing?

If you must know, I'm... ..writing a Christmas present list for you lot.

In August?

Forewarned is forearmed.

Get you and your Latin phrases.

I don't know about forearms.

I need eyes in the back of my head with you lot.

What I mean is... What is it, darling?

Oh, my God.

Bloody Nora.

Morning,

campers. Another day in paradise.

Bloody hell, Dad. What do you think you're playing at?

They're still playing silly beggars with me lost cases, so I raided Hotel Fancy

Dress Box.

But, Dad... The Grim Reaper?

It's the only thing that fit me.

I'd sweated my bollocks off in that caftan so much it practically walked a

washing basket on its own. Why'd you have to bring the bloody sword thing

it? Called a scythe or a tickle. Oh, shut up.

Cheers. It's part of the costume, ain't it?

Mind you, I wish they'd had something a lighter colour.

It's ten o 'clock and cracking me arse already feels like River Hooze on a

day. Brilliant.

We've got a full day of this now.

Oh, love.

Did I frighten you?

Just a bit.

Oh, you poor thing.

Do you want one of them Serviettes from bar to dry your eyes?

OK. Right, well, when you get it, get us a round of drinks in while you're at

it. There's a good lass.

Here's one for you.

Would you rather have sausages for fingers or no hands at all?

I don't understand.

There's nothing to understand. You've just got to pick one.

Why? What's happening?

Nothing's happening. It's just a question.

Who's asking it? I'm asking. It's just one of those questions, isn't it? Would

you rather be deaf or blind?

Mate, to be honest, I'd rather just chill by the pool.

All right, boys.

Sam, would you rather have sausages for fingers or no hands at all?

How big are the sausages?

Quite big.

Can I have him on just one hand?

Um, yeah.

Definitely sausages for fingers.

Right, I came to say hello because you two boys owe me a favour after

What happened yesterday?

You backed out on my trip and lost me commission.

Oh, yeah, really sorry about that, but we thought the trip was free.

Who gives out free trips to Ibiza?

Look, my mate owns a bar on Cali Girona and he needs two props today. Are you

two up for it? What's a prop?

A prop's someone who stands outside a bar and tries to get punches in.

No, thanks. We've got our day planned.

Have we?

Yeah. Don't you remember? We're going to lie by the port all day and talk to

girls.

And how much luck have you had with that so far?

Well, we're just getting warmed up.

We're playing the long game, innit, Joe?

Yeah, man, the really long game.

Well, this is perfect. I'm giving you a legitimate reason to be in the sun

chatting to girls.

Everybody loves the cheeky prop boys.

Especially two good -looking charmers like you.

Oh, I don't know.

30 euros for a couple of hours' work.

What do you reckon?

I reckon these good looks and this charm is being wasted around this pool.

We're in.

It's the Western Bar at the end of Cali Girona. Report to Jose, the manager, but

you get paid by me tonight in Neptune's.

Yes?

I might be reading this wrong.

I think I'm getting a vibe from her.

She's probably got her own vibe.

And if you think you can compete with that, then good luck to you, mate.

I sent another email about the audition for Jodie.

How many times do they need to be told, we're on holiday?

Well, now the same we can do with the audition here. An email, a video.

Let's have a look, Mum.

Hey, nice one.

Could you use the iPad?

My iPad is upstairs in the safe, and that's where it's staying.

We're here to enjoy our holiday, not fanny around making videos nobody's

to watch. Don't be such a misery.

It'll be fun.

They've sent the script.

We just need two grandparents.

Way!

Sign me up. I'm ready for me close -up. What experience and acting have you got?

Bet you've never stepped foot into a theatre.

Oh, that's where you're wrong.

I've been in The Crucible.

Nice one, Grandad. I studied that.

Who were you? John Proctor? No, Sheffield Crucible.

Davies -Taylor final, 1985.

Went down to at last black.

Now that's drama.

We've got enough drama on this holiday with you and Loretta at each other's

throats. Quiet day by the pool will do just nicely, thank you.

The commercial is set to be used in all European territories and the fee is £15

,000.

Can you imagine if she got it?

She'll be able to pay her own school fee.

Here, get up them stairs and get that iPad.

The safe combination's 3821.

Come on, lazy arse, we're losing light here.

They went to them with alcohol, so I got everyone lemonade.

Here she is, my little Oscar winner.

Oh, it's so nice to be back.

Did you manage all right in the salon while I was gone?

Actually, Jacqueline, it was impossible without you, wasn't it, Liam?

Oh, unthinkable. Really?

Yeah. Me and Liam were about to take turns nodding off in that chair, and it

took us almost three weeks to find the shopping channel on the telly. Oh, it's

442. You should have emailed.

Oh, and I spent nodding off in this chair.

Well, I am the sleeping partner in the business.

leaving bottles of carver out at breakfast leaves me all gassy for the

the day.

Right, talking of gassy, I'd better go and fill up. I've got three airport runs

today. Oh, and I need you to get your thinking caps on for a catchy new name

the business.

Oh, I'm good at these.

I've gone off Kenneth Goes All The Way. It's a bit of a mouthful and people

might get the wrong impression.

Kenneth, I've got bookings all morning. What are we going to do about walking?

Very easily solved.

There you go.

Whacked that up on the door.

Honestly, I'm an orange bob away from being Mary Portis.

Oh, and Liam, did you ask around about borrowing a child seat for the car?

That family with the toddlers confirmed the booking. Yeah, nobody's got one.

Have you tried Old Sisney? What the bloody hell is that? You know, the flea

market on the road to Albay. I know what Old Sisney is. I'm talking about that.

Troy sent it.

Derbyshire Hair Salon of the Year Award.

Have we won that? We're nowhere near Derbyshire.

No, don't be daft. It's for the salon in Derby. Troy said he wanted it in pride

of place, in blow and go, and inspiration for us all.

I'm overcome with emotion.

Right, I'm off. I'll see you later.

Bye.

Does Troy know about Kenneth running a taxi service from the salon?

No, but I know he's going to mention it to him at some point.

Don't worry about me.

I'm a sleeping partner and I don't... Talk, initially.

A cup of tea?

I'd ask a carver if you're going to the bar.

No problem.

I'm sorry, I'm not

interrupting, am I?

How can I help you?

Mateo, the kitchen is in absolute chaos.

What else is new?

I need you to go to Benissa with Leslie to pick up some joints.

Some joints?

Really? I am so stressed out.

I've been let down by my supplier.

Your supplier has let you down?

Yes.

Mr. McFerridge.

You are really feeling the stress?

Yes, I am.

Okay. I have one joint in my locker.

Well, one isn't going to go very far, is it?

No, you do not understand.

This is the good shit.

A big one?

Maybe we can go together up on the fire escape and have it.

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Have what?

The good shit.

On the fire escape?

Why on earth would you do that?

So nobody can smell it.

I'm going to tell you, I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Do you have a habit of doing this?

No, no, Mr. Savage.

No more than one a day, and always on the fire escape.

Dear God.

And I've been blaming the drains all these years.

Right, um, meet Leslie in the reception in ten minutes, and from now on...

You use the lavatory like everyone else.

Yes, Miss Temple Savage.

Hello, mate. Is Hosea around?

Yeah, he's inside.

Oh, can you tell him his new props are in? Yeah, sure.

Right,

what's our USP? We haven't got one. We're already here.

Your what?

Our USP, Estimated Time of Arrival. That's ETA.

ETA? That sounds nothing like USP. Yeah, USP is Unique Selling Point.

Um, they get a free shot with their first drink?

No, man, that's every bar you walk past.

You need a USP.

My USP is my body. Girls love a bit of muscle. Do you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah.

Why don't you take your top off and I'll point at you?

No, mate.

We need to find your USP.

Hello, boys.

So, you are our new props?

Yeah, I'm Tiger. This is Joey.

Okay. There you go.

No drinking or smoking while you're out there. If you need any more flies, come

inside and ask me or talk to Mario, who you spoke to before. Okay?

Nice one.

See you later.

Right.

I've got an idea.

I'm not a pheasant plucker. I'm a pheasant plucker's mate. I'm only

pheasants because the pheasant plucker's late.

What are you doing?

A vocal warm -up. Let's stick to she sells seashells on the seashore.

Shall we?

What about Peter Pector... Peter Piper... Pector...

Peter Piper, Peter Peckham, all bollocks to it.

Hey, what are you doing?

Just a bit of foundation.

Bugger that.

What kind of show are we making here? Don't be daft, Eddie. All the men on

Downton Abbey wear make -up. I bet they do.

Especially that butler who were a bit light in the loafers.

All actors use it. They have to hide the decades of alcohol abuse.

Here we go.

That's it.

You just need you to look your best on camera.

In that case, stick a paper bag on his head. The rustling will affect the

but it'll be worth it.

Right, listen, you.

Oh, here we go.

Anyone order a table for three?

We could do with a tablecloth, really, look. There's supposed to be a classy

restaurant. Can we just get this thing started? It's got to be sent over by two

o 'clock.

Right, who am I playing?

You're playing Jodie's grandmother.

I don't look old enough to play a grandmother.

You are her grandmother.

I know, but I don't look old enough. Do you want this to be believable or not?

What do I say in it?

You haven't got any lines.

Hang on a minute. No lines.

I cancelled a hot stone massage and a pedicure to sit in the frigging

background. You're supposed to be on holiday with us anyway.

No, I'm not.

I'm on my holiday and I'm visiting you on your holiday.

Will everyone just stop bickering and whining for one minute?

Can't we all at least pretend to have a degree of professionalism?

Let me know when you set everything up.

I'm going over to my son's bed to learn me lines.

You've created a monster.

Shut up.

Right.

Tablecloth.

But then again, the apple never falls far from the tree.

Leslie, I hope you know what we are supposed to be doing because I have no

which show ever.

Well, I was supposed to pick up some meat from a wholesale supplier in

But I've had an idea.

Why am I not liking the sound of this?

Look, I've got 500 euros to collect 50 kilos of meat.

But I've made a few calls, and I can get the same weight of meat for 400 euros.

Leslie, maybe we should just go to Benissa. I am liking the easy life.

We can't. I've cancelled the order. Oh, madre mia. Listen, why should Trump be

the only one getting the backhanders?

Backhander is like a slap in the face, no?

No, what she did is a slap in the face when she finds out we're making more

money on the side than her.

I thought you liked her. I do, but that doesn't mean I want a bit left behind

when there's money to be made.

All right, ladies.

Anything exciting happening?

Yeah, we're just nipping out on an errand for a temple savage.

Hmm, sounds interesting.

There is nothing for the back of your hand here. I suggest you carry on with

finding the lost luggage of angry, drunk people.

Come along, Leslie. We have business to be attending.

Found the car seat, then?

Yeah.

I had a look and lost the property and there was one in there.

Somebody might have left that behind by mistake and come back for it.

Well, there'd be no point in them doing that.

Why?

Because I've got it.

Have you got no scruples?

Yeah, of course I have.

I just get a bit lost under my bum bag when I'm lying down. You know what I

mean? I mean a conscience, morals.

Look, I'm a businessman, Liam. I haven't got time for morals.

I need that car seat to run my taxi business.

Pretty sure you need a taxi licence too.

Small print, Liam, love. Small print.

And a driver's licence helps.

British points don't count over here, so I'm good to go. Thank you.

Well, that's all right then.

Anyway, I've got a bone to pick with you, young man.

Troy texted me earlier.

Were you going to make an appearance at the salon today, or were you just going

to let Liam do everything?

What, and you think I told him?

Well, it wasn't Jacqueline.

She's had so much breakfast carver today, she can't even string a sentence

together, let alone make a phone call.

Works you up in the morning, four letters begins with C.

Well, I'm not being funny, Kenny. You know I think you're a brilliant stylist,

but you're oddly known for being the most hard -working.

You're right.

I think he's trying to catch me out.

Do you think I should call his bluff?

Yeah, text back saying you're working as hard as usual.

No, hang on, don't say that.

Ha -ha.

Nice try, Troy.

But I've actually been rushed off my feet all day.

Thank you very much.

But you're not rushed off your feet.

Yeah, I am.

Chock -a -block with bookings all day.

Just not cutting people there.

Ah!

Ah!

Bloody hell!

I shit meself then.

Can you get Tourette's in your sleep?

I think she was answering her own crossword question.

Oh.

Oh.

This'll be Troy.

Offering up a slice of humble pie.

OK, as long as you keep the door open for walk -ins, as this makes up 50 % of

the business.

Winking smiley face.

You?

You told him? I haven't said a thing. Why do I care?

I get paid a wage, it doesn't affect me.

It's not like I'm a partner in the business.

What sleeping beauty it is.

She said she wouldn't say anything.

What was Susie about that?

It's easy to catch a mouse.

You just need enough cheese.

I'll be fine. Just give it a good rinse under the tap.

Ready.

Action. Hang on a minute. I need to know what my motivation is.

Cheap beer and ugly women.

That's where you're wrong. I don't drink beer.

It blows me, something terrible.

So, you're admitting to the ugly women?

If that's a crack about my ex -wife, I can assure you she didn't start out

looking like that. No, but you started out looking like that, so what was her

excuse? Right, that's it. Out of the way, you two. You're sacked.

Sacked? You can't be sacked from something you weren't being paid to do.

Yes, you can, cos I just sacked you. Can we just get on with it? Hang on. If

you've sacked him, who does Jodie say a line to? It's supposed to be a grandad.

Well, you can do it. Me?

Playing a grandad? I barely look old enough to be a father. You do look

Billy. Oh, don't start with that again. You could get away with early 60s. Look,

if we don't get on with this now, then we're never... You what?

Can we hurry up? They need it emailed by two o 'clock.

Early 60s?

Early skin 60s?

What does that make you, 120?

Oh, for goodness sake, it hardly matters. It's just a part you're

My mum's right, it doesn't matter. You play the grandad and you can play the

grandmother. I beg your pardon?

Oh, right.

It's different when the orthopaedic shoe's on the other foot.

Hang on a minute.

Where's our Geordie?

Geordie Dawson.

Grandad, can we go to the park tomorrow for my birthday?

They've got a new playground there and I'd love to go.

Well, that was easy enough, wasn't it?

You're right, darling.

We're just getting everything ready for you.

It's all done.

Can you email it to the address I gave you, please?

Very happy to help.

And when you get that, you need to forward it on to me, agent.

Of course, will do.

Mum, if anyone calls me, I'll be on the swings.

OK, darling.

You can see who wears the trousers in your house.

That's airport run number two done.

Time for a coffee and a suck on me vape. A suck on who?

Your vaporiser.

Oh.

Now, I've been thinking.

If it's not Jacqueline grasping me up to Troy and it's not you, who is it?

Will you give it a rest?

No, I will not give it a rest. I feel like it doesn't turn me back on anyone.

It's like being in the pink trombone on jockstrap night.

Oh! So you're open now?

Somebody at the reception was asking earlier.

Yeah, but I'm sorry we're not doing any walking today, Joyce.

Lovely Liam's got his little ginger feet, bless him.

I'm just telling them you're open.

Whether you're actually doing any work is your own affair.

You really think you've got someone spying on you?

Of course!

Since the day you took over the lease on this salon, it's been on my back about

every little thing.

Why don't you answer your phone? Why is the salon never open? Honestly, it's

relentless. Well, both of those are quite reasonable requests.

Oh, so you're on his side, are you? I'm not on anybody's side. I'm just saying,

if I was paying the rent and bills for this place, I want it to be open every

day. Liam, we're in Spain.

It's not my fault you have a fiesta every time the mayor farts.

leave Mary's dye strips in too long or she'll end up bright yellow like the

time.

Do you believe me now?

Well, maybe you're right.

Temple Savage!

And what about her?

She's a mole!

Don't say that. I think she looks lovely today. Ow!

A squealer! A rat!

Temple Savage is the spy!

No, she doesn't even know Troy.

Oh, hang on.

It's the 15th of the month, isn't it?

12 o 'clock on the 15th, Mary comes in every month at the same

time to get her roots done.

That's true. He's pulling your leg, Kenneth.

No -one's spying on us.

I don't know, Liam.

Something stinks.

And for once, it's not Mr Wu's conditioner.

Wait a minute.

Ring the wrong number.

I don't get it.

Okay, I have to go now.

You must be Leslie.

Yes, Mr. Wu.

I'm Leslie. This is Matthew. And you are looking for wholesale meat.

That's right.

What kind of meat you want? Mr. Wu got chicken or beef?

Whatever's going cheap.

The chickens, when they are young, tend to go cheap.

The cows, on the other hand, they go moo.

Do you get it? Young chickens go cheap.

Cows go moo.

Hey, crazy person.

Do you have me to sell to us or no?

Hey, check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Mr. Woo got lots of meat.

Okay, let me look at the stock sheet.

Okay.

Actually, we not got much chicken.

We not got much beef.

You want camel?

If you making big pie, the hump stop the crust from sinking in the middle.

Mr. Wu only joking. Mr.

Wu does not sell camel.

We got quite a lot of octopus.

Mind you, very difficult to cook octopus.

They keep reaching out the pan and turning off the gas.

Listen, if you're just going to sit there telling Christmas cracker jokes,

be on our way. Okay, okay. Let me have a look.

What about panda?

We got quite a lot of panda in the deep tree.

Oh, it's going to be fresh. We're going to... Panda?

You don't mean the big black and white furry bear?

What other panda do you get?

What's that taste like?

It tastes a bit like penguin, but not as fishy.

Come on, we're off.

You are a strange man.

That's the problem with the British.

No sense of humor.

One more place we can try, but it's in Alicante. That's a two -hour round trip,

and it's time that we haven't got.

Maybe I call my friend Wolfgang. He has a farm.

What kind of farm? Just a regular farm with cows, chicken, goats, pigs.

Well, why didn't you bloody say so?

You did an act.

Get in the bloody farm!

Remember, ladies, free shots inside, and I'll be coming in for a drink with you

in a bit.

Make sure you do.

Oh, my days, you're like the Pi Pi Pro family.

What's that mean?

It's a story about a bloke who plays the trumpet and gets followed by loads of

mice and rats. Except you're doing it with women, and you don't even need a

trumpet.

Well, I mean, they're all a bit middle -aged, but at least they're still going

in. How are free kisses going?

I won't lie to you, Ty.

It's not going great.

I'm smiling at all the pretty girls. We're getting nothing back.

Pretty girls?

Look at the munters I'm dragging in.

Mate, you need to caution it a bit wider.

Oh, ladies.

You look like you could do with a drink.

All right, pal.

Get a free kiss, do I?

Well... It's kind of meant for girls, but what the hell?

Peace and love, my man.

But just on the cheek, yeah?

Nice one.

Go on, then.

Hey, I'm only joking, pal.

Yeah, hilarious.

Seriously, man, it was a joke. Yo, how's business, brother?

Not great.

Me and my mate are promoting this bar.

I don't suppose you guys want a drink, do you?

Well, there's 25 of us. The rest are on the beach.

Oh, my days, 25 people, that would be amazing.

Trouble is, Gary, the guy whose birthday it is, we played a trick on him and

chucked all his clothes in the sea.

Oh, that's funny.

Yeah. Anyway, we can't bring him in your bar in just his pants.

No, they wouldn't like that.

Exactly.

But maybe if you could borrow your T -shirt.

Yeah, man, of course. I'm not even wearing it.

And your flip -flops? Sure, no worries.

And your shorts?

Um... I don't know.

There's at least 25 of us. Actually, probably near 30.

Actually, my boxers look a bit like shorts anyway.

Exactly. Right, we'd better get Barry the birthday boy.

You mean Gary?

Huh? You said his name was Gary.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

See you in five.

Yeah, man.

See you in five.

Mate, where are your trousers?

I've got a big gang of lads on the way.

Oh, look at her. She's so happy.

Imagine if she gets this job.

Well, let's not get too excited.

Why not? Why not get excited about things like this?

Mind you, it's going to be very tricky if she gets really famous.

You won't.

Well, you see how they hound these celebrities.

They don't get a minute to themselves.

She's auditioning for an advert for adult nappies. I don't think we're going

have to go ex -directory just yet. She's going to get it.

I just know she is.

Who is it? Number withheld.

Well, answer it, then. What, she hasn't got it?

Answer the phone. What, she has got it? Oh, answer the phone! They wouldn't ring

so quick if they didn't like it. Oh, for God's sake!

Hello, Billy Dawson speaking.

Yeah, that's right, I'm Jodie's dad.

Right.

Right.

I see.

Okay. Can you give me your number?

Yeah.

0207.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay. I got that. I'll ring you straight back.

Well... She got the...

But she needs to be in London by tomorrow afternoon.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Price of the flights to London, last minute, in high season.

No one cares about that. My mother -in -law lenders the money. Come on!

Georgie! Georgie!

You got the joke!

You've really got the sun, Jacqueline.

Yeah, necking a bottle of carbon for breakfast and crashing out for the day

really agrees with you.

Right, no rest for the wicked. I'm going back to the airport.

I shall return.

You should get one of those car stickers that say Little Princess on board.

I'm not sure I can get away with calling myself Little anymore, Jacqueline.

Oh, you know what I mean.

For the baby.

So will the drivers know to take a decent... around you?

Jacqueline, we're in Spain.

I can't put a baby on board sign up. It's like Mad Max out there.

It'd be like a red rag to a bull with these lot.

But generally, you do need to be extra careful now, Ken, if it's not just

yourself you've got to worry about.

I don't know where this reputation of me being a bad driver's come from.

Four out of the last six of my accidents this year have been other people's

fault. Well, exactly. There's a lot of bad drivers about.

I'll put the kettle on.

Right, keep this blind shut while I'm gone.

I'm not sure what Troy's up to, but we best play extra safe.

I don't want him finding out about all this stuff when he arrives tomorrow.

Gonna find out eventually.

It's not exactly an easy thing to hide.

Yeah, well, you know he makes a fuss about everything. I just want to tell

in my own time when I'm ready.

Adios, amigos.

They're not coming back, are they?

I think they might.

You know what really hurt?

I bet it wasn't Gary's birthday after all.

Probably not.

I think I'll head back to the hotel.

You won't get paid.

I don't deserve to get paid, Tig.

I haven't got a single person to go in.

Jory, come on.

All for one.

And one for all.

What are you doing, man?

We are going to do this properly.

Wolfgang, you are a good man. You have saved our bacon.

Bacon? I thought you wanted chicken. If you want bacon, tell me now, because

Helga has to kill a pig.

No, no, my friend.

Chicken saving the bacon is something the English say.

We have everything. Pig, rabbit, goat, whatever you want. No, please.

Wolfgang, we need 50 kilos of chicken.

Nothing must go wrong with this. No problem.

And, Wolfgang, the chickens must be dead. We have had problems before.

Mateo, you worry too much. You see Helga, my sister?

She kills all the animals herself.

What does she do? Just look at them?

It's very funny. But since Helga was released from prison, the farmer's never

made so much money.

Here's your change.

Change? Of course.

Always the best price for you, my friend.

Hey, your sister, what was she in prison for?

Oh, seven years.

No, I mean, what did she do?

Mateo, some questions it is better not to ask.

Okay, we can deliver in one hour. I'll come back then if you want to collect

yourself. I would like you to deliver to the Solana. I have developed a 7A

version to Famjad Live.

Oh, my days. I'm beat.

Yeah, me too.

When do we get our money, dude? I need to buy me some new thread.

Not until tonight.

I'll borrow my flip -flops and walk back if you want.

Mate.

I couldn't do that.

Let's go on.

Oh, man, you're the best mate anyone could wish for.

We are the best team any bar could wish for. Damn right.

Let's go. I can feel an all -inclusive beer coming on. Yeah, man.

Adios.

Hey, where are you going?

You missing the party? The big party caused by us?

The prop boy dream team.

Are you all right?

What are you both doing here?

What do you think we're doing here? She got a point tag. We should have finished

20 minutes ago. We're coming back to the salon to celebrate. You're coming for a

drink. What exactly are you celebrating?

A job well done.

Just look at the place.

It's Heavis!

Impressive. Very impressive.

If it weren't the wrong bar... Say what? No, no, no, no, no. Wait a minute.

You said the Western Bar at End of Caledrona. This is the End of Caledrona,

that's the only Western Bar.

First of all, this is the beginning of Caledrona. The hotel is there, so this

the beginning of Caledrona. This is not called the Western Bar. It's called

Cowboys and Indians.

Well, it's a Western Bar.

Hang on.

We spoke to the manager, and he was expecting us.

Is there a problem?

Here we go.

You said you were expecting us, didn't you? No. There you go. Maybe it's a...

What? You came to my bar and you said you were the new props.

What kind of bar manager would I be if I saw people who wanted to work?

Especially for free.

You knew we were at the wrong bar.

Have a good day, boys. Oh, and thanks for the business.

Yes!

Oh,

shit.

Meanwhile, I've got Jose, the manager of the Western Bar, going crazy because I

let him down.

Right. It's a ten -minute walk. If he's set off now, he might be all right about

you doing a couple of hours. Sorry, Sam, we're off. We're knackered. Can't

you... Don't worry about the money. You can pay us tonight like we arranged.

Jerry, let's just go.

What do you mean

you've got no money?

Just as I say, I'm spent up until my next pension.

You've got to be joking.

You're always spraying your money around.

I know. That's why I don't have any until my next pension.

How am I supposed to get £466 in the next few hours?

Haven't you got a credit card?

Max, don't.

Looks like I'm not the only one who sprays money around.

Look, I might have an answer, but I'll have to be the one to go back with her.

What do you mean?

I've been saving up hair miles for years. I'll probably have enough, but

for two tickets. And I have to be one of the people travelling.

Well, what do you say?

It was the 3rd of September That day I'll always remember

Yes, I will Well...

I have to thank both you and Leslie.

What started out as quite a sticky wicket has turned into an unmitigated

success. We have been, as you say, saving the day.

And I must congratulate the kitchen staff.

This chicken stew is delicious. I've never tasted anything like this. Try it.

Mind you, they did get a bit carried away and forgot to make a veggie option.

Yes, Leslie's in the kitchen now, fixing this.

Is everything all right?

It is good.

Very good.

Okay, what is wrong with the stew?

Nothing. The stew is good, but the chicken is no chicken.

What's at the end?

It's conejo.

Conejo? How do you make a stew out of that?

No, conejo.

What kind of meat is it?

It is, how do you say, baby rabbit.

You've made a stew out of baby rabbits?

Yes, it's normal. It's typical in Spain.

But the English?

No, they are not liking this.

Listen, everything will be okay. As long as all the staff know not to tell

anyone that they're eating baby bunny rabbits.

Do you understand?

I understand.

I'm sorry about the position you've been put in lately, Jacqueline.

Oh, don't worry about me. I've been in more positions than a Russian gymnast.

No, I mean about Kenneth and his taxi runs. You are a partner in Blow & Go.

He's got such a cheek telling you not to tell Troy.

I wouldn't blame you if you have.

Have what?

Told Troy.

About Kenneth's taxi business.

Oh, don't be daft. I've got no money invested in the business.

Troy just made me a partner to make me feel included. I thought you were

when you didn't answer my text earlier today.

I didn't get a text off you.

Did you not?

Honestly, these bloody Spanish mobiles. It said, um,

Hey, Jacqueline, thanks for keeping Kenneth's little secret.

He'll tell Troy in his own time, but he's so stressed and tired with the late

nights and early mornings, he doesn't need Troy criticising his choices right

now. Any more thoughts about her name?

No, I didn't get that.

Oh.

Oh, sugar.

What? I sent that to Troy by mistake.

Look at that. The sweet smell of success.

There's 200 euros there.

And you said this taxi business was a bad idea.

Right. Food.

Oh, Matteo, love.

I'll have the steak and kidney pie and... Oh, we have slight problems in

kitchen, do they?

We only have a stew or veggie surprise.

Oh, stew.

Don't know if I fancy that. What kind of stew?

Just regular stew.

But what kind of meat is it?

It's what we are calling mystery meat.

It's fun for the children, no?

Veggie surprise for me. Yeah, for me as well.

I'll go with the mystery meat stew.

I think I've had every kind of meat going, so I might be the one to solve

mystery. Muchas gracias.

I was veggie surprise.

Oh, was it back in Japan then?

And one veggie surprise.

Do you need anything else?

No, I'm okay, thanks.

Excuse me, I'm going to sound really stupid here, but this veggie surprise

like it's got meat in it. Yes, I know.

This is the surprise.

Actually,

as surprises go, you've got to admit, that's quite a good one.

excited to go to sleep. You are going to bed right after our tea.

Where's that bloody waiter?

You excited about going to London, Jodie?

Oh, all right, we're all excited, but that's enough.

And you don't mind going with your nana, darling?

I told you, I don't mind who I go with. Oh, we are all so proud of you.

What's this? We haven't ordered yet.

Special stew for everyone tonight.

Oh, what kind of stew?

Oh, jelly kitten.

The people starved, didn't they, we folks?

Mmm.

Mate, I'm not feeling this, do you?

Do you want to try the veggies for pride?

There you are. I didn't recognise you were your clothes on.

Listen, that wasn't our fault today.

We made a genuine mistake, and OK, it was the wrong bar, but we packed the

out, and I think we did a good job.

Calm down. Don't get your mankini in a twist. I bring good news.

Jose from the Westerbar was pissed off you didn't turn up, but the bar opposite

where you were was so impressed with the crowd you pulled that that's if you can

work for them a couple of hours tonight.

I don't know.

I think we've had enough for one day.

What do you say, Joey? My old man always said, why spend money when you can be

earning it?

Why not do both?

I tell you what, why don't we do it all together?

Wouldn't mind seeing you in your pants again.

What about me?

I want talking to you.

Right, we leave in ten minutes. But first of all, I feel a song coming on.

Ladies and gentlemen, just before I start us off with the karaoke, I've been

asked by a few people about the food being served this evening.

We're glad you're enjoying it. And if you want to make it at home, just see

favorite barman, Matteo. He'll be pleased to give you his recipe for

rabbit stew.

Honestly, Liam, you're driving along with the wind in your hair and the sound

children screaming drowned out by bananarama on the sound system. You

you spend most of your days cooped up in that salon. You really do. You're not

thinking of leaving the salon, are you? No, don't be ridiculous.

Some things in life you can't fight. I was born to style. But I am going to

Troy tomorrow that I'm going part -time.

Thanks, love.

Did you hear what Sam said?

It's all rabbit.

Doesn't bother me.

There's not much fetch in it for the two, is there?

Mind you, if it is rabbit, it probably ate all the carrots.

Another text from Troy.

So excited about seeing you tomorrow, the champagne will be on me for us to

celebrate the pitter -patter of tiny feet.

So that's why it's been sending angry, stressed -out messages.

Why? Oh, I know him and Gavin had talked about it, but I can't believe he's done

it on his own.

He's adopted a baby.

Oh!