All language subtitles for Benidorm s09e03.eng

You're up to no good.

What?

The only time you're quiet is when
you're asleep or up to no good.

That's not true.

I'm often quiet.

Yeah, and you're often up to no good.

What are you doing?

If you must know, I'm... ..writing a
Christmas present list for you lot.

In August?

Forewarned is forearmed.

Get you and your Latin phrases.

I don't know about forearms.

I need eyes in the back of my head with
you lot.

What I mean is... What is it, darling?

Oh, my God.

Bloody Nora.

Morning,

campers. Another day in paradise.

Bloody hell, Dad. What do you think
you're playing at?

They're still playing silly beggars with
me lost cases, so I raided Hotel Fancy

Dress Box.

But, Dad... The Grim Reaper?

It's the only thing that fit me.

I'd sweated my bollocks off in that
caftan so much it practically walked a

washing basket on its own. Why'd you
have to bring the bloody sword thing

it? Called a scythe or a tickle. Oh,
shut up.

Cheers. It's part of the costume, ain't
it?

Mind you, I wish they'd had something a
lighter colour.

It's ten o 'clock and cracking me arse
already feels like River Hooze on a

day. Brilliant.

We've got a full day of this now.

Oh, love.

Did I frighten you?

Just a bit.

Oh, you poor thing.

Do you want one of them Serviettes from
bar to dry your eyes?

OK. Right, well, when you get it, get us
a round of drinks in while you're at

it. There's a good lass.

Here's one for you.

Would you rather have sausages for
fingers or no hands at all?

I don't understand.

There's nothing to understand. You've
just got to pick one.

Why? What's happening?

Nothing's happening. It's just a
question.

Who's asking it? I'm asking. It's just
one of those questions, isn't it? Would

you rather be deaf or blind?

Mate, to be honest, I'd rather just
chill by the pool.

All right, boys.

Sam, would you rather have sausages for
fingers or no hands at all?

How big are the sausages?

Quite big.

Can I have him on just one hand?

Um, yeah.

Definitely sausages for fingers.

Right, I came to say hello because you
two boys owe me a favour after

What happened yesterday?

You backed out on my trip and lost me
commission.

Oh, yeah, really sorry about that, but
we thought the trip was free.

Who gives out free trips to Ibiza?

Look, my mate owns a bar on Cali Girona
and he needs two props today. Are you

two up for it? What's a prop?

A prop's someone who stands outside a
bar and tries to get punches in.

No, thanks. We've got our day planned.

Have we?

Yeah. Don't you remember? We're going to
lie by the port all day and talk to

girls.

And how much luck have you had with that
so far?

Well, we're just getting warmed up.

We're playing the long game, innit, Joe?

Yeah, man, the really long game.

Well, this is perfect. I'm giving you a
legitimate reason to be in the sun

chatting to girls.

Everybody loves the cheeky prop boys.

Especially two good -looking charmers
like you.

Oh, I don't know.

30 euros for a couple of hours' work.

What do you reckon?

I reckon these good looks and this charm
is being wasted around this pool.

We're in.

It's the Western Bar at the end of Cali
Girona. Report to Jose, the manager, but

you get paid by me tonight in Neptune's.

Yes?

I might be reading this wrong.

I think I'm getting a vibe from her.

She's probably got her own vibe.

And if you think you can compete with
that, then good luck to you, mate.

I sent another email about the audition
for Jodie.

How many times do they need to be told,
we're on holiday?

Well, now the same we can do with the
audition here. An email, a video.

Let's have a look, Mum.

Hey, nice one.

Could you use the iPad?

My iPad is upstairs in the safe, and
that's where it's staying.

We're here to enjoy our holiday, not
fanny around making videos nobody's

to watch. Don't be such a misery.

It'll be fun.

They've sent the script.

We just need two grandparents.

Way!

Sign me up. I'm ready for me close -up.
What experience and acting have you got?

Bet you've never stepped foot into a
theatre.

Oh, that's where you're wrong.

I've been in The Crucible.

Nice one, Grandad. I studied that.

Who were you? John Proctor? No,
Sheffield Crucible.

Davies -Taylor final, 1985.

Went down to at last black.

Now that's drama.

We've got enough drama on this holiday
with you and Loretta at each other's

throats. Quiet day by the pool will do
just nicely, thank you.

The commercial is set to be used in all
European territories and the fee is £15

,000.

Can you imagine if she got it?

She'll be able to pay her own school
fee.

Here, get up them stairs and get that
iPad.

The safe combination's 3821.

Come on, lazy arse, we're losing light
here.

They went to them with alcohol, so I got
everyone lemonade.

Here she is, my little Oscar winner.

Oh, it's so nice to be back.

Did you manage all right in the salon
while I was gone?

Actually, Jacqueline, it was impossible
without you, wasn't it, Liam?

Oh, unthinkable. Really?

Yeah. Me and Liam were about to take
turns nodding off in that chair, and it

took us almost three weeks to find the
shopping channel on the telly. Oh, it's

442. You should have emailed.

Oh, and I spent nodding off in this
chair.

Well, I am the sleeping partner in the
business.

leaving bottles of carver out at
breakfast leaves me all gassy for the

the day.

Right, talking of gassy, I'd better go
and fill up. I've got three airport runs

today. Oh, and I need you to get your
thinking caps on for a catchy new name

the business.

Oh, I'm good at these.

I've gone off Kenneth Goes All The Way.
It's a bit of a mouthful and people

might get the wrong impression.

Kenneth, I've got bookings all morning.
What are we going to do about walking?

Very easily solved.

There you go.

Whacked that up on the door.

Honestly, I'm an orange bob away from
being Mary Portis.

Oh, and Liam, did you ask around about
borrowing a child seat for the car?

That family with the toddlers confirmed
the booking. Yeah, nobody's got one.

Have you tried Old Sisney? What the
bloody hell is that? You know, the flea

market on the road to Albay. I know what
Old Sisney is. I'm talking about that.

Troy sent it.

Derbyshire Hair Salon of the Year Award.

Have we won that? We're nowhere near
Derbyshire.

No, don't be daft. It's for the salon in
Derby. Troy said he wanted it in pride

of place, in blow and go, and
inspiration for us all.

I'm overcome with emotion.

Right, I'm off. I'll see you later.

Bye.

Does Troy know about Kenneth running a
taxi service from the salon?

No, but I know he's going to mention it
to him at some point.

Don't worry about me.

I'm a sleeping partner and I don't...
Talk, initially.

A cup of tea?

I'd ask a carver if you're going to the
bar.

No problem.

I'm sorry, I'm not

interrupting, am I?

How can I help you?

Mateo, the kitchen is in absolute chaos.

What else is new?

I need you to go to Benissa with Leslie
to pick up some joints.

Some joints?

Really? I am so stressed out.

I've been let down by my supplier.

Your supplier has let you down?

Yes.

Mr. McFerridge.

You are really feeling the stress?

Yes, I am.

Okay. I have one joint in my locker.

Well, one isn't going to go very far, is
it?

No, you do not understand.

This is the good shit.

A big one?

Maybe we can go together up on the fire
escape and have it.

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Have what?

The good shit.

On the fire escape?

Why on earth would you do that?

So nobody can smell it.

I'm going to tell you, I can't believe
what I'm hearing.

Do you have a habit of doing this?

No, no, Mr. Savage.

No more than one a day, and always on
the fire escape.

Dear God.

And I've been blaming the drains all
these years.

Right, um, meet Leslie in the reception
in ten minutes, and from now on...

You use the lavatory like everyone else.

Yes, Miss Temple Savage.

Hello, mate. Is Hosea around?

Yeah, he's inside.

Oh, can you tell him his new props are
in? Yeah, sure.

Right,

what's our USP? We haven't got one.
We're already here.

Your what?

Our USP, Estimated Time of Arrival.
That's ETA.

ETA? That sounds nothing like USP. Yeah,
USP is Unique Selling Point.

Um, they get a free shot with their
first drink?

No, man, that's every bar you walk past.

You need a USP.

My USP is my body. Girls love a bit of
muscle. Do you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah.

Why don't you take your top off and I'll
point at you?

No, mate.

We need to find your USP.

Hello, boys.

So, you are our new props?

Yeah, I'm Tiger. This is Joey.

Okay. There you go.

No drinking or smoking while you're out
there. If you need any more flies, come

inside and ask me or talk to Mario, who
you spoke to before. Okay?

Nice one.

See you later.

Right.

I've got an idea.

I'm not a pheasant plucker. I'm a
pheasant plucker's mate. I'm only

pheasants because the pheasant plucker's
late.

What are you doing?

A vocal warm -up. Let's stick to she
sells seashells on the seashore.

Shall we?

What about Peter Pector... Peter
Piper... Pector...

Peter Piper, Peter Peckham, all bollocks
to it.

Hey, what are you doing?

Just a bit of foundation.

Bugger that.

What kind of show are we making here?
Don't be daft, Eddie. All the men on

Downton Abbey wear make -up. I bet they
do.

Especially that butler who were a bit
light in the loafers.

All actors use it. They have to hide the
decades of alcohol abuse.

Here we go.

That's it.

You just need you to look your best on
camera.

In that case, stick a paper bag on his
head. The rustling will affect the

but it'll be worth it.

Right, listen, you.

Oh, here we go.

Anyone order a table for three?

We could do with a tablecloth, really,
look. There's supposed to be a classy

restaurant. Can we just get this thing
started? It's got to be sent over by two

o 'clock.

Right, who am I playing?

You're playing Jodie's grandmother.

I don't look old enough to play a
grandmother.

You are her grandmother.

I know, but I don't look old enough. Do
you want this to be believable or not?

What do I say in it?

You haven't got any lines.

Hang on a minute. No lines.

I cancelled a hot stone massage and a
pedicure to sit in the frigging

background. You're supposed to be on
holiday with us anyway.

No, I'm not.

I'm on my holiday and I'm visiting you
on your holiday.

Will everyone just stop bickering and
whining for one minute?

Can't we all at least pretend to have a
degree of professionalism?

Let me know when you set everything up.

I'm going over to my son's bed to learn
me lines.

You've created a monster.

Shut up.

Right.

Tablecloth.

But then again, the apple never falls
far from the tree.

Leslie, I hope you know what we are
supposed to be doing because I have no

which show ever.

Well, I was supposed to pick up some
meat from a wholesale supplier in

But I've had an idea.

Why am I not liking the sound of this?

Look, I've got 500 euros to collect 50
kilos of meat.

But I've made a few calls, and I can get
the same weight of meat for 400 euros.

Leslie, maybe we should just go to
Benissa. I am liking the easy life.

We can't. I've cancelled the order. Oh,
madre mia. Listen, why should Trump be

the only one getting the backhanders?

Backhander is like a slap in the face,
no?

No, what she did is a slap in the face
when she finds out we're making more

money on the side than her.

I thought you liked her. I do, but that
doesn't mean I want a bit left behind

when there's money to be made.

All right, ladies.

Anything exciting happening?

Yeah, we're just nipping out on an
errand for a temple savage.

Hmm, sounds interesting.

There is nothing for the back of your
hand here. I suggest you carry on with

finding the lost luggage of angry, drunk
people.

Come along, Leslie. We have business to
be attending.

Found the car seat, then?

Yeah.

I had a look and lost the property and
there was one in there.

Somebody might have left that behind by
mistake and come back for it.

Well, there'd be no point in them doing
that.

Why?

Because I've got it.

Have you got no scruples?

Yeah, of course I have.

I just get a bit lost under my bum bag
when I'm lying down. You know what I

mean? I mean a conscience, morals.

Look, I'm a businessman, Liam. I haven't
got time for morals.

I need that car seat to run my taxi
business.

Pretty sure you need a taxi licence too.

Small print, Liam, love. Small print.

And a driver's licence helps.

British points don't count over here, so
I'm good to go. Thank you.

Well, that's all right then.

Anyway, I've got a bone to pick with
you, young man.

Troy texted me earlier.

Were you going to make an appearance at
the salon today, or were you just going

to let Liam do everything?

What, and you think I told him?

Well, it wasn't Jacqueline.

She's had so much breakfast carver
today, she can't even string a sentence

together, let alone make a phone call.

Works you up in the morning, four
letters begins with C.

Well, I'm not being funny, Kenny. You
know I think you're a brilliant stylist,

but you're oddly known for being the
most hard -working.

You're right.

I think he's trying to catch me out.

Do you think I should call his bluff?

Yeah, text back saying you're working as
hard as usual.

No, hang on, don't say that.

Ha -ha.

Nice try, Troy.

But I've actually been rushed off my
feet all day.

Thank you very much.

But you're not rushed off your feet.

Yeah, I am.

Chock -a -block with bookings all day.

Just not cutting people there.

Ah!

Ah!

Bloody hell!

I shit meself then.

Can you get Tourette's in your sleep?

I think she was answering her own
crossword question.

Oh.

Oh.

This'll be Troy.

Offering up a slice of humble pie.

OK, as long as you keep the door open
for walk -ins, as this makes up 50 % of

the business.

Winking smiley face.

You?

You told him? I haven't said a thing.
Why do I care?

I get paid a wage, it doesn't affect me.

It's not like I'm a partner in the
business.

What sleeping beauty it is.

She said she wouldn't say anything.

What was Susie about that?

It's easy to catch a mouse.

You just need enough cheese.

I'll be fine. Just give it a good rinse
under the tap.

Ready.

Action. Hang on a minute. I need to know
what my motivation is.

Cheap beer and ugly women.

That's where you're wrong. I don't drink
beer.

It blows me, something terrible.

So, you're admitting to the ugly women?

If that's a crack about my ex -wife, I
can assure you she didn't start out

looking like that. No, but you started
out looking like that, so what was her

excuse? Right, that's it. Out of the
way, you two. You're sacked.

Sacked? You can't be sacked from
something you weren't being paid to do.

Yes, you can, cos I just sacked you. Can
we just get on with it? Hang on. If

you've sacked him, who does Jodie say a
line to? It's supposed to be a grandad.

Well, you can do it. Me?

Playing a grandad? I barely look old
enough to be a father. You do look

Billy. Oh, don't start with that again.
You could get away with early 60s. Look,

if we don't get on with this now, then
we're never... You what?

Can we hurry up? They need it emailed by
two o 'clock.

Early 60s?

Early skin 60s?

What does that make you, 120?

Oh, for goodness sake, it hardly
matters. It's just a part you're

My mum's right, it doesn't matter. You
play the grandad and you can play the

grandmother. I beg your pardon?

Oh, right.

It's different when the orthopaedic
shoe's on the other foot.

Hang on a minute.

Where's our Geordie?

Geordie Dawson.

Grandad, can we go to the park tomorrow
for my birthday?

They've got a new playground there and
I'd love to go.

Well, that was easy enough, wasn't it?

You're right, darling.

We're just getting everything ready for
you.

It's all done.

Can you email it to the address I gave
you, please?

Very happy to help.

And when you get that, you need to
forward it on to me, agent.

Of course, will do.

Mum, if anyone calls me, I'll be on the
swings.

OK, darling.

You can see who wears the trousers in
your house.

That's airport run number two done.

Time for a coffee and a suck on me vape.
A suck on who?

Your vaporiser.

Oh.

Now, I've been thinking.

If it's not Jacqueline grasping me up to
Troy and it's not you, who is it?

Will you give it a rest?

No, I will not give it a rest. I feel
like it doesn't turn me back on anyone.

It's like being in the pink trombone on
jockstrap night.

Oh! So you're open now?

Somebody at the reception was asking
earlier.

Yeah, but I'm sorry we're not doing any
walking today, Joyce.

Lovely Liam's got his little ginger
feet, bless him.

I'm just telling them you're open.

Whether you're actually doing any work
is your own affair.

You really think you've got someone
spying on you?

Of course!

Since the day you took over the lease on
this salon, it's been on my back about

every little thing.

Why don't you answer your phone? Why is
the salon never open? Honestly, it's

relentless. Well, both of those are
quite reasonable requests.

Oh, so you're on his side, are you? I'm
not on anybody's side. I'm just saying,

if I was paying the rent and bills for
this place, I want it to be open every

day. Liam, we're in Spain.

It's not my fault you have a fiesta
every time the mayor farts.

leave Mary's dye strips in too long or
she'll end up bright yellow like the

time.

Do you believe me now?

Well, maybe you're right.

Temple Savage!

And what about her?

She's a mole!

Don't say that. I think she looks lovely
today. Ow!

A squealer! A rat!

Temple Savage is the spy!

No, she doesn't even know Troy.

Oh, hang on.

It's the 15th of the month, isn't it?

12 o 'clock on the 15th, Mary comes in
every month at the same

time to get her roots done.

That's true. He's pulling your leg,
Kenneth.

No -one's spying on us.

I don't know, Liam.

Something stinks.

And for once, it's not Mr Wu's
conditioner.

Wait a minute.

Ring the wrong number.

I don't get it.

Okay, I have to go now.

You must be Leslie.

Yes, Mr. Wu.

I'm Leslie. This is Matthew. And you are
looking for wholesale meat.

That's right.

What kind of meat you want? Mr. Wu got
chicken or beef?

Whatever's going cheap.

The chickens, when they are young, tend
to go cheap.

The cows, on the other hand, they go
moo.

Do you get it? Young chickens go cheap.

Cows go moo.

Hey, crazy person.

Do you have me to sell to us or no?

Hey, check yourself before you wreck
yourself.

Mr. Woo got lots of meat.

Okay, let me look at the stock sheet.

Okay.

Actually, we not got much chicken.

We not got much beef.

You want camel?

If you making big pie, the hump stop the
crust from sinking in the middle.

Mr. Wu only joking. Mr.

Wu does not sell camel.

We got quite a lot of octopus.

Mind you, very difficult to cook
octopus.

They keep reaching out the pan and
turning off the gas.

Listen, if you're just going to sit
there telling Christmas cracker jokes,

be on our way. Okay, okay. Let me have a
look.

What about panda?

We got quite a lot of panda in the deep
tree.

Oh, it's going to be fresh. We're going
to... Panda?

You don't mean the big black and white
furry bear?

What other panda do you get?

What's that taste like?

It tastes a bit like penguin, but not as
fishy.

Come on, we're off.

You are a strange man.

That's the problem with the British.

No sense of humor.

One more place we can try, but it's in
Alicante. That's a two -hour round trip,

and it's time that we haven't got.

Maybe I call my friend Wolfgang. He has
a farm.

What kind of farm? Just a regular farm
with cows, chicken, goats, pigs.

Well, why didn't you bloody say so?

You did an act.

Get in the bloody farm!

Remember, ladies, free shots inside, and
I'll be coming in for a drink with you

in a bit.

Make sure you do.

Oh, my days, you're like the Pi Pi Pro
family.

What's that mean?

It's a story about a bloke who plays the
trumpet and gets followed by loads of

mice and rats. Except you're doing it
with women, and you don't even need a

trumpet.

Well, I mean, they're all a bit middle
-aged, but at least they're still going

in. How are free kisses going?

I won't lie to you, Ty.

It's not going great.

I'm smiling at all the pretty girls.
We're getting nothing back.

Pretty girls?

Look at the munters I'm dragging in.

Mate, you need to caution it a bit
wider.

Oh, ladies.

You look like you could do with a drink.

All right, pal.

Get a free kiss, do I?

Well... It's kind of meant for girls,
but what the hell?

Peace and love, my man.

But just on the cheek, yeah?

Nice one.

Go on, then.

Hey, I'm only joking, pal.

Yeah, hilarious.

Seriously, man, it was a joke. Yo, how's
business, brother?

Not great.

Me and my mate are promoting this bar.

I don't suppose you guys want a drink,
do you?

Well, there's 25 of us. The rest are on
the beach.

Oh, my days, 25 people, that would be
amazing.

Trouble is, Gary, the guy whose birthday
it is, we played a trick on him and

chucked all his clothes in the sea.

Oh, that's funny.

Yeah. Anyway, we can't bring him in your
bar in just his pants.

No, they wouldn't like that.

Exactly.

But maybe if you could borrow your T
-shirt.

Yeah, man, of course. I'm not even
wearing it.

And your flip -flops? Sure, no worries.

And your shorts?

Um... I don't know.

There's at least 25 of us. Actually,
probably near 30.

Actually, my boxers look a bit like
shorts anyway.

Exactly. Right, we'd better get Barry
the birthday boy.

You mean Gary?

Huh? You said his name was Gary.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

See you in five.

Yeah, man.

See you in five.

Mate, where are your trousers?

I've got a big gang of lads on the way.

Oh, look at her. She's so happy.

Imagine if she gets this job.

Well, let's not get too excited.

Why not? Why not get excited about
things like this?

Mind you, it's going to be very tricky
if she gets really famous.

You won't.

Well, you see how they hound these
celebrities.

They don't get a minute to themselves.

She's auditioning for an advert for
adult nappies. I don't think we're going

have to go ex -directory just yet. She's
going to get it.

I just know she is.

Who is it? Number withheld.

Well, answer it, then. What, she hasn't
got it?

Answer the phone. What, she has got it?
Oh, answer the phone! They wouldn't ring

so quick if they didn't like it. Oh, for
God's sake!

Hello, Billy Dawson speaking.

Yeah, that's right, I'm Jodie's dad.

Right.

Right.

I see.

Okay. Can you give me your number?

Yeah.

0207.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay. I got that. I'll ring you straight
back.

Well... She got the...

But she needs to be in London by
tomorrow afternoon.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Price of the flights to London, last
minute, in high season.

No one cares about that. My mother -in
-law lenders the money. Come on!

Georgie! Georgie!

You got the joke!

You've really got the sun, Jacqueline.

Yeah, necking a bottle of carbon for
breakfast and crashing out for the day

really agrees with you.

Right, no rest for the wicked. I'm going
back to the airport.

I shall return.

You should get one of those car stickers
that say Little Princess on board.

I'm not sure I can get away with calling
myself Little anymore, Jacqueline.

Oh, you know what I mean.

For the baby.

So will the drivers know to take a
decent... around you?

Jacqueline, we're in Spain.

I can't put a baby on board sign up.
It's like Mad Max out there.

It'd be like a red rag to a bull with
these lot.

But generally, you do need to be extra
careful now, Ken, if it's not just

yourself you've got to worry about.

I don't know where this reputation of me
being a bad driver's come from.

Four out of the last six of my accidents
this year have been other people's

fault. Well, exactly. There's a lot of
bad drivers about.

I'll put the kettle on.

Right, keep this blind shut while I'm
gone.

I'm not sure what Troy's up to, but we
best play extra safe.

I don't want him finding out about all
this stuff when he arrives tomorrow.

Gonna find out eventually.

It's not exactly an easy thing to hide.

Yeah, well, you know he makes a fuss
about everything. I just want to tell

in my own time when I'm ready.

Adios, amigos.

They're not coming back, are they?

I think they might.

You know what really hurt?

I bet it wasn't Gary's birthday after
all.

Probably not.

I think I'll head back to the hotel.

You won't get paid.

I don't deserve to get paid, Tig.

I haven't got a single person to go in.

Jory, come on.

All for one.

And one for all.

What are you doing, man?

We are going to do this properly.

Wolfgang, you are a good man. You have
saved our bacon.

Bacon? I thought you wanted chicken. If
you want bacon, tell me now, because

Helga has to kill a pig.

No, no, my friend.

Chicken saving the bacon is something
the English say.

We have everything. Pig, rabbit, goat,
whatever you want. No, please.

Wolfgang, we need 50 kilos of chicken.

Nothing must go wrong with this. No
problem.

And, Wolfgang, the chickens must be
dead. We have had problems before.

Mateo, you worry too much. You see
Helga, my sister?

She kills all the animals herself.

What does she do? Just look at them?

It's very funny. But since Helga was
released from prison, the farmer's never

made so much money.

Here's your change.

Change? Of course.

Always the best price for you, my
friend.

Hey, your sister, what was she in prison
for?

Oh, seven years.

No, I mean, what did she do?

Mateo, some questions it is better not
to ask.

Okay, we can deliver in one hour. I'll
come back then if you want to collect

yourself. I would like you to deliver to
the Solana. I have developed a 7A

version to Famjad Live.

Oh, my days. I'm beat.

Yeah, me too.

When do we get our money, dude? I need
to buy me some new thread.

Not until tonight.

I'll borrow my flip -flops and walk back
if you want.

Mate.

I couldn't do that.

Let's go on.

Oh, man, you're the best mate anyone
could wish for.

We are the best team any bar could wish
for. Damn right.

Let's go. I can feel an all -inclusive
beer coming on. Yeah, man.

Adios.

Hey, where are you going?

You missing the party? The big party
caused by us?

The prop boy dream team.

Are you all right?

What are you both doing here?

What do you think we're doing here? She
got a point tag. We should have finished

20 minutes ago. We're coming back to the
salon to celebrate. You're coming for a

drink. What exactly are you celebrating?

A job well done.

Just look at the place.

It's Heavis!

Impressive. Very impressive.

If it weren't the wrong bar... Say what?
No, no, no, no, no. Wait a minute.

You said the Western Bar at End of
Caledrona. This is the End of Caledrona,

that's the only Western Bar.

First of all, this is the beginning of
Caledrona. The hotel is there, so this

the beginning of Caledrona. This is not
called the Western Bar. It's called

Cowboys and Indians.

Well, it's a Western Bar.

Hang on.

We spoke to the manager, and he was
expecting us.

Is there a problem?

Here we go.

You said you were expecting us, didn't
you? No. There you go. Maybe it's a...

What? You came to my bar and you said
you were the new props.

What kind of bar manager would I be if I
saw people who wanted to work?

Especially for free.

You knew we were at the wrong bar.

Have a good day, boys. Oh, and thanks
for the business.

Yes!

Oh,

shit.

Meanwhile, I've got Jose, the manager of
the Western Bar, going crazy because I

let him down.

Right. It's a ten -minute walk. If he's
set off now, he might be all right about

you doing a couple of hours. Sorry, Sam,
we're off. We're knackered. Can't

you... Don't worry about the money. You
can pay us tonight like we arranged.

Jerry, let's just go.

What do you mean

you've got no money?

Just as I say, I'm spent up until my
next pension.

You've got to be joking.

You're always spraying your money
around.

I know. That's why I don't have any
until my next pension.

How am I supposed to get £466 in the
next few hours?

Haven't you got a credit card?

Max, don't.

Looks like I'm not the only one who
sprays money around.

Look, I might have an answer, but I'll
have to be the one to go back with her.

What do you mean?

I've been saving up hair miles for
years. I'll probably have enough, but

for two tickets. And I have to be one of
the people travelling.

Well, what do you say?

It was the 3rd of September That day
I'll always remember

Yes, I will Well...

I have to thank both you and Leslie.

What started out as quite a sticky
wicket has turned into an unmitigated

success. We have been, as you say,
saving the day.

And I must congratulate the kitchen
staff.

This chicken stew is delicious. I've
never tasted anything like this. Try it.

Mind you, they did get a bit carried
away and forgot to make a veggie option.

Yes, Leslie's in the kitchen now, fixing
this.

Is everything all right?

It is good.

Very good.

Okay, what is wrong with the stew?

Nothing. The stew is good, but the
chicken is no chicken.

What's at the end?

It's conejo.

Conejo? How do you make a stew out of
that?

No, conejo.

What kind of meat is it?

It is, how do you say, baby rabbit.

You've made a stew out of baby rabbits?

Yes, it's normal. It's typical in Spain.

But the English?

No, they are not liking this.

Listen, everything will be okay. As long
as all the staff know not to tell

anyone that they're eating baby bunny
rabbits.

Do you understand?

I understand.

I'm sorry about the position you've been
put in lately, Jacqueline.

Oh, don't worry about me. I've been in
more positions than a Russian gymnast.

No, I mean about Kenneth and his taxi
runs. You are a partner in Blow & Go.

He's got such a cheek telling you not to
tell Troy.

I wouldn't blame you if you have.

Have what?

Told Troy.

About Kenneth's taxi business.

Oh, don't be daft. I've got no money
invested in the business.

Troy just made me a partner to make me
feel included. I thought you were

when you didn't answer my text earlier
today.

I didn't get a text off you.

Did you not?

Honestly, these bloody Spanish mobiles.
It said, um,

Hey, Jacqueline, thanks for keeping
Kenneth's little secret.

He'll tell Troy in his own time, but
he's so stressed and tired with the late

nights and early mornings, he doesn't
need Troy criticising his choices right

now. Any more thoughts about her name?

No, I didn't get that.

Oh.

Oh, sugar.

What? I sent that to Troy by mistake.

Look at that. The sweet smell of
success.

There's 200 euros there.

And you said this taxi business was a
bad idea.

Right. Food.

Oh, Matteo, love.

I'll have the steak and kidney pie
and... Oh, we have slight problems in

kitchen, do they?

We only have a stew or veggie surprise.

Oh, stew.

Don't know if I fancy that. What kind of
stew?

Just regular stew.

But what kind of meat is it?

It's what we are calling mystery meat.

It's fun for the children, no?

Veggie surprise for me. Yeah, for me as
well.

I'll go with the mystery meat stew.

I think I've had every kind of meat
going, so I might be the one to solve

mystery. Muchas gracias.

I was veggie surprise.

Oh, was it back in Japan then?

And one veggie surprise.

Do you need anything else?

No, I'm okay, thanks.

Excuse me, I'm going to sound really
stupid here, but this veggie surprise

like it's got meat in it. Yes, I know.

This is the surprise.

Actually,

as surprises go, you've got to admit,
that's quite a good one.

excited to go to sleep. You are going to
bed right after our tea.

Where's that bloody waiter?

You excited about going to London,
Jodie?

Oh, all right, we're all excited, but
that's enough.

And you don't mind going with your nana,
darling?

I told you, I don't mind who I go with.
Oh, we are all so proud of you.

What's this? We haven't ordered yet.

Special stew for everyone tonight.

Oh, what kind of stew?

Oh, jelly kitten.

The people starved, didn't they, we
folks?

Mmm.

Mate, I'm not feeling this, do you?

Do you want to try the veggies for
pride?

There you are. I didn't recognise you
were your clothes on.

Listen, that wasn't our fault today.

We made a genuine mistake, and OK, it
was the wrong bar, but we packed the

out, and I think we did a good job.

Calm down. Don't get your mankini in a
twist. I bring good news.

Jose from the Westerbar was pissed off
you didn't turn up, but the bar opposite

where you were was so impressed with the
crowd you pulled that that's if you can

work for them a couple of hours tonight.

I don't know.

I think we've had enough for one day.

What do you say, Joey? My old man always
said, why spend money when you can be

earning it?

Why not do both?

I tell you what, why don't we do it all
together?

Wouldn't mind seeing you in your pants
again.

What about me?

I want talking to you.

Right, we leave in ten minutes. But
first of all, I feel a song coming on.

Ladies and gentlemen, just before I
start us off with the karaoke, I've been

asked by a few people about the food
being served this evening.

We're glad you're enjoying it. And if
you want to make it at home, just see

favorite barman, Matteo. He'll be
pleased to give you his recipe for

rabbit stew.

Honestly, Liam, you're driving along
with the wind in your hair and the sound

children screaming drowned out by
bananarama on the sound system. You

you spend most of your days cooped up in
that salon. You really do. You're not

thinking of leaving the salon, are you?
No, don't be ridiculous.

Some things in life you can't fight. I
was born to style. But I am going to

Troy tomorrow that I'm going part -time.

Thanks, love.

Did you hear what Sam said?

It's all rabbit.

Doesn't bother me.

There's not much fetch in it for the
two, is there?

Mind you, if it is rabbit, it probably
ate all the carrots.

Another text from Troy.

So excited about seeing you tomorrow,
the champagne will be on me for us to

celebrate the pitter -patter of tiny
feet.

So that's why it's been sending angry,
stressed -out messages.

Why? Oh, I know him and Gavin had talked
about it, but I can't believe he's done

it on his own.

He's adopted a baby.

Oh!

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