Original subtitles

Absolutely, Mrs. Tennessee Voss. I'll let her know.

No, this is Leslie. I work mainly on a reception these days.

Oh, about 5 '7", a certain amount of feminine mystique.

No, not feminine mystique. What I said was feminine mystique.

Never mind, yes.

I'll give her the message.

Adios.

Is everything all right, Leslie?

Crystal on the phone, wanting to know where Templar Savage is.

Where is she?

She's had to go out to have her hair done.

She was booked in to blow and go, but Kenneth, he's gone here all again.

Good, in that case, I can leave these brochures here on reception without that

whinging old bag chewing me hair off. Well, you might get away with it, but

I'd hurry up if I was you.

Oh, Leslie, could you look at my phone for me? It keeps switching itself off.

Oh, not really my strong point, Mrs Temple Savage.

I've got very fat fingers, which is good for some things, but rubbish for

technology. I keep missing calls.

I know.

You've just missed another.

What? Mrs Hennessy -Vass has just rang.

You're joking.

You didn't say I was out having my head done, did you?

Oh, now would I land you in it.

Well, what did she want?

She wants you to go on a two -day conference in Barcelona where she's

to make a speech.

Escaping this place with a little two -day jaunt in Barcelona with a Solana

I think I could be tempted.

Leslie, will you call Crystal for me and say I'd be delighted to attend?

Nay, by the way, she's teary.

trip to Ibiza, 50 % off.

Leslie, what's the meaning of this?

It means half price.

I know what 50 % off means. Who put these leaflets here?

As if I have to ask.

Oh, you have got to be taking a piss.

Completely wasted morning.

Hello, it's Jacqueline.

I'm not here at the moment. Please leave a message after the tone.

Jacqueline, why do you never answer your phone?

I'm at Alicante. As you know, your flight's been delayed.

So I'm going to go back to Benny and I'm going to keep my phone switched on. So

text me when you know what's happening.

And if you've left your mobile in that kitchen drawer again, I'll swing for

Hello?

Oh, hello.

How much is a taxi into Benidorm?

About 80 euros.

Brilliant.

Oh, oh, excuse me.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

I think there's been a mistake.

When I said a cab to Benidorm was 80 euros, what I meant... No, don't worry.

know that probably doesn't include toll road or tip.

Call it 100 euros?

If you'd like to follow me, sir. Yeah, great.

Did you have a good flight, sir?

Yeah, it was great.

So the way I see it, the more people I take out of the all -inclusive loop, the

better for you.

What do you mean by all -inclusive loop?

Well, people are away on my trips. They're not drinking your alcohol and

not eating your food.

Reducing your customer -to -staff percentage ratio, thus lowering your

and increasing your profits.

Change your leaflets and I don't have a problem with it. I don't mind the use of

the word stonking. I'm not the dinosaur you make out.

I draw the line at bonking.

I bet you do.

I'm sorry.

I said thank you.

Just be careful, lady.

I'm watching you.

Naturally. Those who can bonk, those who can't watch.

One orange juice.

Grass to the earth.

Why do you never drink alcohol?

Doesn't really agree with me.

Other British people, they vomit on each other, pee themselves, fall over. Do

you think alcohol agrees with them?

Hiya.

Tiger, isn't it? Oh, hey, Mr. D.

No, I'm Joey.

Do you want a drink?

No, no, no, not for me. I'm just on my way.

Oh, yeah, go on, then. Just a quick one. You're twisting me arm.

I'm not twisting anything.

Yeah, a bottle of lager, please.

Oh. Bit of a mad one last night.

No, not really.

You know, average.

Right, right.

Cool. Cool, cool.

I must say, you handled your ale a lot better than I, Rob. He's not even up

Ale? Isn't that what they used to drink in our olden days?

King Arthur and that.

I'm not that ancient, you cheeky bugger.

No, that would make me about...

700 years old.

You don't look anything like that.

Cheers.

So, er... Much fanny in town?

I'm sorry?

Fanny? You know, er... Girls in town. Were there many girls in town?

Yeah.

Loads.

Right, well, I'll be off.

I'll be back for that.

I'll wait for you if you like.

Don't bother yourself.

That's brilliant, Kenny.

Thanks so much.

You're more than welcome, Ryan. Cheers, love.

Good luck with the proposal tonight.

God, don't.

Do you think I'm crazy?

Crashing my fiancée's girl the other day? No, she'd be thrilled.

What time are you meeting her?

Well, she don't know I'm here, so I'm just going to try and track her down.

I thought she knew you were coming, but she just didn't know about the proposal.

No, no, she ain't got a clue I'm here.

You do think I'm crazy, don't you?

Well, it's me you're going down on one knee in front of. I'd be thrilled, but

that's another story.

Hilarious. I try.

Listen, can I pay for my return cab fare now?

Yes. I know I'm light with money, and I don't want to have to get a bus back to

the airport.

Bloody Nora.

I mean, um, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I can confirm that fucking for you right now

if you want.

And listen, I also own a hair salon and a hotel in Benidorm, so if you want to

swim before your big night, just swing by the Solana Hotel this afternoon.

A hair salon as well as a taxi business?

My God, real -life entrepreneur.

Can I touch you? Only if I can choose where.

In fact, if that girlfriend ever kicks you to the curb, you can have me on tap.

Ta -ra, love. Cheers, mate.

Oh, it's you.

What are you playing at? No, what are you playing at?

Well, I'm having this thing called a holiday.

How much did you drink last night? Well, if you hang on a second, I'll get me

drink diary. I'll write down all my drinks as I buy them.

Do you?

No, of course I don't. What sort of question is that? How much did I drink?

We're in Benidorm. All right, here's another question for you. Who were you

with last night?

It is about Nana Chase.

It might be.

Dad, we bumped into Nana Chase and she was a bit... Well, she was...

Nana Chase.

She was wrecked and flirting with everyone, but not much worse than you,

is. What time did you all get in?

I came on about four, just as they were all going to that big club and cafe,

Benidorm. Hang on.

You left your nan drunk in Benidorm at four in the morning?

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I'd have done the same, to be honest.

So, you don't know where she ended up?

What do you mean, where she ended up?

You want fresh towels?

Cheers. Thanks.

Morning. How are you feeling?

Oh, mate, I'm broken.

Absolutely broken.

Oh, God, don't make me laugh. My head hurts.

What did you end up doing?

Oh, God, I can barely remember.

Well, at least try.

You just said he can't remember.

All right.

There's only asking.

Yeah, but don't ask. What's wrong with you? Asking people to remember things.

Maybe the lad doesn't want to remember.

Right.

I'm going back to bed.

Yeah, later.

Listen, son.

Hey, we all make mistakes.

I'm sorry?

Who you, um...

What you did last night.

Oh, as I say, it's all a bit of a blur.

I remember being in the club, but I don't remember getting home.

Selective amnesia.

What?

It happens to people who've gone through traumatic events in their lives. War

veterans, people in car crashes, kids being chased by clowns at circus, that

kind of thing. I used to hate clowns when I was a kid.

There's nothing more terrifying than a creepy night and scary make -up looming

over you.

I'm sure it was just a bad dream.

Stay strong, son. Stay strong.

Yeah.

They

crackle and

pop inside your tongue.

The prices, though, go tell your mum. They're tasty, yummy, they're the tops.

Those scrummy, honey, cojo pops.

Brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant.

The only reason she didn't get it was a lack of experience.

Lack of experience?

I've just paid for her to have a year at bloody stage school. How much more

experience do they want?

Experience doing television commercials.

Well, she got down to the last two, so that proves something, doesn't it?

Ah, that there was somebody better. Not better, just more experienced.

Where have you been all this time?

Bloody hell, you look white as a sheet.

Where's our rob? Is everything all right?

Yeah, yeah.

Everything's fine.

Have you got runs?

I was a bit loose this morning.

It's them Spanish eggs. They don't cook them through.

What the frigging hell does she look like?

Well, here we all are.

Hiya, man.

What's going on?

You were supposed to be here last night.

Sharon, you look fabulous.

Still managing to keep that weight off, just. I'm very proud of you.

Hiya, Loretta. Do you want to sit down?

Oh, Billy, you're looking tired. Are you managing to get enough sleep?

Probably getting more than you.

Sleep, that is.

Eddie.

Loretta. You're looking... colourful.

I was about to say the same to you.

Don't bother getting up. I wasn't going to.

Oh, look at Jodie.

Doesn't she get a kiss?

Jodie?

Look how she's shot up.

You only saw her about three weeks ago, ma 'am. Look at those long legs.

You're going to grow up looking exactly like your nana.

Oh, actually, I was just about to take Julie to the kids' club.

Come on, love.

She's tired.

Did you want a drink?

Gin and tonic. Don't go mad on the tonic.

Do you want anything, Dad?

I'm all right, son.

Thanks, Bill. You know, you do look very tired.

Loretta, you've been saying that for me for the last 20 years.

Doesn't it ever occur to you that I'm not tired?

This is just how my face looks.

Somebody got out of the wrong side of bed this morning.

I might have got out of the wrong side of bed, but at least it was my bed I got

out of.

Always been his problem, that. He can't resist a dig.

I bet it was true, though.

A leopard never changes its spots.

Still the dirtiest sex -mad slapper, even at your age.

We don't all curl up and die after 60, Eddie.

Some of us continue to enjoy an exciting, varied sex life. Just

because the last time you saw your cock, Adam were alive.

Just another minute or so.

Now, Brenda, that bleach is quite strong.

So if it starts to burn your scalp, let me know and I'll give you something to

bite onto.

Hey, where have you been?

I have been on my first successful airport run. That was ages ago. What do

mean successful?

Where's Jacqueline?

I wasn't talking about Jacqueline. She's been delayed.

She went with her bag of Haribo at East Midlands.

I picked up a man at Alicante.

Oh, my God.

Gave me 100 euros.

100 euros? Yes. Well, I suppose you should sell while you can. You're not

all markets. Yeah, exactly.

You cheeky cat.

He thought I was a cab.

And it's given me an idea.

Blow and Go Hair and Beauty Salon incorporating B &G cabs. And Troy will

agree to it. He doesn't have to if he doesn't know about it. It's Troy's

And he's here often, ten weeks of the year. What he doesn't know won't hurt

Kenneth, apart from the police cracking down on illegal airport runs, you

haven't got the time to be running a minicab business.

We'll talk about it later.

In the meantime, according to them smoke signals, your client appears to be in

distress. What?

Oh, bloody hell!

Oh, Brenda!

Oh, Brenda, come with me! Come with me.

I'm so sorry to see that.

I am, how do you say, the boss with a big secret?

Oh, yes.

I actually own this hotel.

But I am working here, how do you say, incontinento.

Do you know? I am disguised as a barman.

Mateo. Mateo.

Miss Temple Savage, manager of the Salana and my boss.

How can I help you?

What was that all about?

I have no idea.

Mateo, I need your help.

It's why I'm here.

Crystal Hennessy Bass has asked me to go to a conference in Barcelona.

Stop. I know what you're going to say.

Do you?

Of course.

You want me to ride the position of manager while you are away. Exactly. The

thing is... What?

Don't be ridiculous.

Now, I thought she wanted me to go with her, but she wants me to go in her

place. This is not a problem. The train to Barcelona is quick.

Or maybe you want me to drive you?

You don't understand.

She wants me to give them her speech.

If you let me have a speech, I can give it to them. No, in Spanish.

Okay. To give a speech in Spanish, you say, Aquí está el discurso.

It means, here is a speech.

No, you idiot. I have to read out a five -page speech in Spanish.

This is impossible.

You do not speak Spanish.

I know I don't speak Spanish, but... But what?

Well, when I got this job at the salon, I... Yes?

I told him I spoke fluent Spanish.

And in five years, you have forgotten everything?

No, I lied to him. I've never spoken Spanish.

Okay.

There is a way I could help you. There is?

Of course.

Okay, go wait for me in the manager's office. I will be there in five minutes.

Yes, okay.

Told you.

Same again?

No, sir. When the brochure says there are no childminders in the hotel, it

we don't supply them.

The fact your wife's a childminder isn't a problem at all.

All right, thank you.

Hiya. How's it going?

Yeah, good, thanks.

Can I help you with anything?

I'm just a bit bored, to be honest.

Well, you have come to the right place. Have you thought about one of our trips?

No, not really. I think just a chat would do.

Okay. Well, as you know, I'm Sam.

Yeah, I don't know if you remember, but my name's Joey.

I do remember.

Well, what about a chat about some of the free trips we have?

Yeah, cool.

I don't want to go on a trip, but I'm really happy to chat about them.

Cool. So, this is a free trip to the waterfalls of Algar.

This is a free trip to Guadalete. This is a free trip to the local bullring.

Wow, you've got a lot of free trips. Yeah.

This one's a little bit more exciting.

It's a trip to Ibiza.

A trip to Ibiza?

Oh, my days, Ibiza!

I can't believe you go to Ibiza.

No, we do a trip to Ibiza.

Where is Ibiza?

It's an island in between Spain and Mallorca.

Wow.

Where's Mallorca?

It's an island that would be next to Spain if Ibiza weren't in the way.

Cool. There's a trip.

All the details are on the back of the leaflet.

Next trip's Friday.

Okay. We've got to go on that. Can you put me and my mate Tiger down for it? No

problem.

I haven't got my cash box with me at the moment, but we'll sort out the details

tonight. Oh, yeah, of course.

If you just put both your names and room numbers on this list, that'll confirm

your places.

Tiger's going to be so excited.

I'll be there.

Did you want to still chat about some of the other trips?

No way, man. I've got to top up my time, innit? I'll be there.

Well? Okay, I have read all of the speech, and I can say 100 % it is

in Spanish.

I know it's in Spanish. I told you it was in Spanish.

Okay, so what is it you want me to do? I want you to help me learn it.

Okay.

So, first we have good afternoon, men and women.

This is my pleasure. In Spanish. I've got to read the speech in Spanish.

In Spanish?

Yes. All five pages? Yes.

This is not a joke.

My job could be at stake.

Sorry.

OK.

I have an idea.

Why don't we do it phonetically?

Yes, of course. I was going to suggest we do it phonetically. Right!

You don't know what phonetically means, do you?

No.

Airport run to Alicante on Thursday.

And where's that from?

Albia. And what time's your flight, love?

Let's have a look.

Liam.

Liam!

What? Can you do me an acid perm and call at two o 'clock on Thursday?

Look in the book.

You've got Winnie from Camping Villamar in for a Brazilian blowout.

Well, there's your answer.

Yeah, that's all booked in for you, love.

What number calibrates over?

Mm -hmm.

All right, we'll see you then.

Bye -bye.

You're getting very peevish about my new business adventure, Liam.

Hmm? I said you're getting very peevish. Very peevish.

Peevish? What's that supposed to mean? You just can't bear the fact that I'm an

entrepreneur. Entrepreneur? You can't even spell it. Yes, I can.

O -N -T... Hang on. O -N -T -R... Doing illegal airport runs in a clapped -out

old banger with one seatbelt and no road tax does not make you an entrepreneur.

It makes you a criminal.

Wash your mouth out. That car is a classic. It just needs a bit of money

spending on it, which I'll be earning doing these airport runs.

Are you listening to me?

Ryan, what a lovely surprise. You all right, love?

Oh, Kenneth.

Oh. Liam, quick, large brandy.

Hang on.

Do you want a drink, Ryan, love?

Yes, please.

Two large brandies.

Go on.

Oh, there, there.

The Auntie Kenneth's here now.

Where's our Robert? Is he still not up?

He had a late night last night.

I know, I was with him.

What?

I bumped into him with his mates.

Tiger and Joey.

Where did you bump into them? Some club in Benidorm. You said you didn't come

and see us last night because you got here too late.

I did.

Too late to come and see you, but not too late to go out dancing, especially

Benidorm.

Morning.

Afternoon. Oh, you finally dragged yourself out of your pit then. You've

half the day.

Rough night, love?

Not as rough as Joey and Tiger.

They didn't get in till half six.

Tiger's convinced he took some ropey old bird home with him, but he can't

remember.

Morning, Nana Chase.

How's your... head?

I don't remember getting any complaints.

Are you not going to see if your friend's all right?

No, I'm not.

It were a good night last night. Shame you bailed out early.

Looks to me like it were a good job he bailed out early.

See, I've killed that lad. Oh, can you stop?

Can you please stop talking about it?

Oh, it were a joke.

What?

What a joke. I didn't sleep with your friend. Don't be ridiculous.

He must be half my age.

Try a quarter.

There you go. Your nana was joking.

Were you?

Of course I was. As if I'd do something like that.

Well, how come when he took one look over here, he collapsed?

You weren't looking over here. Same reason as half the people here are

out. It's boiling hot and he's been out drinking till the early hours.

Right. Come on then, Rob. Go and get us all another drink and go and check on

your friend on the way over.

Oh, I've just sat down. Just give me five minutes.

Oh, poor love.

Five minutes.

So, you seem to be bearing up all right, Loretta. What time did you get in last

night? Oh, I don't worry about things like that, Bill. Maybe if you didn't,

wouldn't look so tired all the time.

It's Billy.

I'm sorry?

My name, as you well know, is Billy.

Not William, not Bill, not Will or Willie. I was christened Billy.

The fact that I look tired or not is a matter of opinion. My name, on the other

hand, is not.

You were actually christened Bella.

I beg your pardon?

Like she said, I beg your pardon?

Well... When you were born, your mum had chosen our Terry's name, so now it were

my turn.

I chose Bella.

I was christened Bella?

Yeah. You've waited until now to tell me I was christened Bella?

Well, we changed it about a week after christened because so many people were

taking piss.

Oh, I wonder why.

Why did you want to call him Bella, Eddie?

Oh, my God, Dad.

You weren't born a girl, were you? Shut up and get the drinks, lazy arse.

I miss this.

You've got to be joking.

It's not even a girl's name. It's a dog's name, Bella.

Didn't Grandma Hooper have a dog called Bella? She did.

She always looked tired all the time as well. The dog, I mean, not Grandma

Hooper. Do you mind telling me, after 40 -odd years, why on earth I was

christened Bella?

It was after Bella Lugosi.

You know, Count Dracula.

I've always been a big fan.

Great. So not only did you give me a girl's name, you named me after a

That's right, yeah, all of you take the piss.

Hey, I said get the drinks in.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Same again, please, love.

Grandad, I'm all right, thanks, son.

I'll have a little brandy, I think.

No problem.

Lager, hurry up.

Is that in the lady's glass?

Oh, sorry, sorry, pal. It was an accident. Sorry.

It's your fault, that is. My fault?

After something that happened 40 -odd years ago?

Shut up. Just shut up.

What is happening here?

Does he need the first aid? No, no, he's fine, mate. He just went a bit dizzy.

Mate, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I just had a bit of a moment. I think I'm still drunk.

Oh, he needs the hairy dog.

I will bring more beer.

No, no, absolutely not.

You tried to help someone and they shook it up in your face.

So, did you boys get lucky last night? No, mate, not a sniff.

But your grandma is hilarious.

I went home about five and left those two dancing the night away.

Which two?

Tiger and your gran.

I think I need some water.

I'll get it. Joe, you want one? Yeah, sweet.

What's going on, Tig?

Leave me, mate.

I just don't want to know.

I tried to ring her, but her phone was switched off, so I looked on Facebook

saw one of her friends had checked into the Tiki Beach bar, and so I went down

there. Which one's the Tiki Beach bar?

Oh, it's that one right on the Levante Beach.

It's usually filled with a heaving throng of shirtless thug parties.

You know, firemen, builders, manual labourers, that sort of thing.

I pass it every day on my way to work.

That bar's not on your way to work.

I never said it was. I said I pass it every day on the way to work. Anywhere.

Sorry. So, I get there and I've got the ring in my pocket, I've rehearsed my

lines, I'm ready to get down on one knee. I don't like the sound of this.

That's because you're not a romantic like me. I don't mean I don't like the

romance. I mean I'm worried about what's coming next and romantic.

You, your idea of romance is having a shag and asking them their name on the

out. Will you listen to me story?

Sorry.

So, I go up to a friend and I ask her, where's Megan?

And they all just stare at me like they're frozen.

And there's an announcement.

In second place is a Miss Wet T -shirt competition.

Megan! And I turn round and I see her.

Would you have married her if she'd have come first?

I'm not finished yet.

You haven't finished.

Sorry.

So I turn round and she's on this little stage in a wet T -shirt, nogging a

bloke.

So I confront this fella, I say, what do you think you're doing? He says, what

does it look like, dickhead?

That's not nice.

I said, you know who that woman is? And he says, yeah, it's me wife.

Oh, to the M, to the F, to the G.

Unbelievable. I know.

I fancy having a wet T -shirt competition at your wedding.

It would...

It wasn't their wedding. They'd been married for years.

I don't understand.

No, you've lost me as well.

When I first started going out with Megan, she said she would divorce, which

didn't surprise me. She was 20 years older than me. But she weren't divorced.

She separated.

Was separated.

Came on this holiday knowing that he would be in Benidorm at the same time.

on.

How long have you and Megan been going out together?

Two months.

Two months?

And you followed her analogy to ask her to marry you. I know, I know, I know.

I might be young, but I guess I'm an old romantic.

She sounds like an old slag by the sound of it.

Liam!

She said our fling was a mistake and she's back with her husband.

So now I'm all alone in Benidorm.

No friends, nowhere to go.

Rubbish.

Me and Liam will look after you.

And I'm going to start by making you feel like the young, vibrant, gorgeous,

sexy man that you are. Dear God, Kenneth, control yourself. The boy is

I'm going to cut his hair, you dickhead. Oh, sorry.

Right.

Now, I am sensing a reverse layer of pompadour with high -faded sides.

What do you reckon?

Whatever you think.

As long as it comes with a vodka and coke.

Liam, two vodka and coke.

Just stop!

Being back on his time and the dreams we left behind

I'll be glad cuz I was blessed to get to have you in my

life When I look back on these days, I look and

see your face Ryan, you okay?

I'm not upset No, you don't look it

I'm so lucky to have found someone. I know, I often think that.

Hang on, what do you mean?

Kenny?

Kenny? Are you serious?

We're not... Sorry, I thought you two were... No!

No!

Just... No.

Sorry.

Look, when you do find someone, at least these days you can get married.

What do you mean these days?

What do you know? We've come so far.

Marriage should be for everyone.

Now it is.

Gay marriage.

Oh, I'm not gay.

Serious, aren't you?

Liam, I'm sorry, Liam, I'm sorry.

I'm not offended.

I'm just not gay.

Right.

Right.

A green Coke, gin and tonic, and a Malibu and pineapple with extra cherries

an umbrella.

Nice drink.

I didn't say anything.

Can I sing tonight, Mum?

Of course you can, darling.

Where's the book?

Come on, let's go find one.

If she's singing, I need another drum. You haven't heard her lately. She's much

better. Isn't she, Billy?

Goon.

I had the smacking voice when I were a lass.

Unfortunately, too many drinks and ciggies have put paid for that.

Plus all the late nights.

Not to mention the early mornings getting back home.

It's been a long time since I've done the walkie -shame, Billy.

No. You just call it walkie now, don't you? Oh, you just drop it.

Your mother said it was a joke earlier about shacking up with that young lad.

Yeah, just drop it, Billy. You're like a broken record.

I saw you.

I beg your pardon?

I saw you this morning when I was on my way to see if our rob was all right. I

saw you leave that lad's room.

Tiger's room.

That doesn't prove anything.

What were you doing in there then? Dropping off a morning paper?

Right, who's singing tonight?

Nana, what about you?

You're always up for it.

Don't tempt me. Billy.

What can I get you? Something very large and very strong.

Anything to drink?

Thank you, pan.

Coming up.

Oh, the very woman.

Where's my 100 euros?

This little captain's getting a bit whippy.

especially right in the middle of the sun, if you see what I mean.

I'm all over it. I'll bring it to your table.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

You look happy. Did you find his cases?

No, but I've got €100 coming in that will shove him up until his real payment

€150 comes in, leaving me a tidy €50 profit.

It's not what you do, it's the way that you do it, Leslie.

All right, for some.

Benny Dorm's own Charlene there. We'll hear more from her later. But now it's

karaoke time.

Let's hear it for Jodie Dorker.

It's a beautiful night.

We're looking for something dumb to do.

She'll come back to me.

You're not going to be sick again, are you? No, mate.

Loretta helped me into my room, but she didn't get into my bed.

You said you remember her face being, like, this far away from yours.

She was tucking me in. That's what they used to call it, is it?

Shut up.

She tucked me into bed, then I was so drunk, I thought she was my gran.

And I said...

Don't leave me, Gran.

Don't leave me.

And then she said, I won't leave you, son, don't worry.

I'm sitting right here.

And then I said, Gran, why have you got a northern accent?

And then I fell asleep.

She must have done the same in the chair.

All excited about your trip to Ibiza, end of week?

Ibiza? Oh, yeah, Ty, I completely forgot to tell you. I booked us on a free trip

to Ibiza. Oh, my days, you legend.

Excuse me, excuse me. What do you mean, free trip to Ibiza? You can't have

forgotten about it. You literally just mentioned it. I never said it were free.

I'm here to collect your 100 euro deposit.

100 euros?

We ain't got 100 euros. We're on all -inclusive.

Ty, Ty, leave this to me.

When I spoke to you today, you said, do you want to talk about the free trips

you had on offer? Why did you think this trip was free? I gave you the leaflet

to read, plus it said I haven't got my cash box, but we could sort out the

details tonight.

I thought you gave us spending money.

Oh, my God.

Just how stupid can one person be?

Mate, you ain't heard nothing yet. This is just the tippy ice cube.

Morons. The pair of you. Total and absolute morons.

Hey, no need to be like that.

So are we going to our B4 or not?

She's not bad.

She could do with showing a bit of leg though.

Mother, she's nine.

Hey, what about that money?

Yeah, I haven't forgotten.

Be right back.

I've got to admit, that stage school's done the world of good for us.

It's been worth every penny to pay for our Geordie schooling.

Only the best for my granddaughter.

You paid her to go to day school?

Yeah. Eddie Dawson, the tartest man who ever drew breath.

I'll have you know, when it comes to my grandchildren, money's no object.

Oh, Eddie, that reminds me. We need to start sourcing payment for Geordie's

school year.

The money's got to be in by the end of August.

Next year?

Yeah, next year.

Another £11 ,000.

It's actually 11 ,400 next year. Oh, you've got to be checking the piss.

That lass has bled me dry as it is. I'll be frigged if I'm shelling out another

11 grams when it's a piss about singing and acting daft. Eddie, you agreed to

pay for Georgie's schooling. Do you think she was going to leave school when

was ten?

Can we talk about this later?

One year.

One year I agreed to pay for it at drama school.

She can sing in the shower from now on like restaurants.

What? When it comes to my grandchildren, he's not dead.

Who the frigging hell's asking you? I'm surprised you've come up for air in

between sucking the blood of teenage boys.

Oh, dear.

I'll tell you the problem you have, Eddie Dawson. No, I'll tell you the

you've all got. If you all don't shut up and start behaving like human beings,

you'll all be out on your ear. Do you understand?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm talking to all of you. Yes.

Brilliant, darling. You were fantastic.

I'm singing in teaching with Halliwell, since we're going to do harmonies next

year. Then I'll be able to sing with Rob.

I'm going to have an early night.

Oh, me as well.

I'll be ill tomorrow.

What did it say?

Come on, love, I think we'd better get you home.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Kenneth.

Kenneth, can I just say something?

I don't know, can you?

I'm so sorry for assuming that you were both gay.

What are you talking about?

I am gay.

And he's one pina colada away from making his mind up. That is not true. I

I've suffered from prejudice too, just because I like older women.

But it's just a preference, isn't it?

What I think is... What I think?

I think I'm going to be sick. Look, Liam, a bucket.

No. No. I'd better go.

Kenneth. Liam. Oh.

Thank you so much.

For all your kindness.

Oh, Kenny.

Kenny, me taxi's all paid for tomorrow morning, right?

What? Oh, yeah, yeah, forgot about that.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Go on, pay.

Right,

I need a drink.

Me too.

I've parched.

Jacqueline! Oh, my God, we forgot about you. Oh, don't worry about me.

I'm here now.

What's happened to you?

You look like you've been thrown from a bus.

Oh, no, I didn't get the bus.

I walked.

You walked from Alicante?

Well, when you weren't at the airport, I thought, oh, it's such a lovely day.

And it's not that far if you take the coastal road.

It's only taken me eight hours.

Oh, Jacqueline, I am so sorry.

Oh, don't worry. I didn't walk all the way.

I got a lift.

From El Campeo to Cala la Nusa from a very nice farmer.

I gave him something for his trouble.

So I had quite a spring in my step for the last 10 or 12 miles.

I cannot believe you forgot about Jacqueline.

Me? What about you?

I wasn't the one supposed to get from the airport.

She was delayed.

What was I supposed to do? Wait there all day?

Yeah, I'm fine, thank you.

I need to get back to my hotel, but I'm not feeling too well.

Where are you staying?

Erm... The Beltoro.

Oh, my, I fancy sharing the cab.

Yeah, great, thanks.

I'm Ryan.

I'm Loretta. Come on, let's get you up. All right.

You say it with me.

I'm sure you don't make habit of taking young men home. Well, you say that.