Original subtitles

Excuse me.

Can you tell me why this always seems to be the last hotel they drop off from

the airport?

They do it alphabetically. Why do they do that? That's ridiculous. We've been

past here twice.

That last hotel was the Tropical. If it's alphabetical, we should have been

before them.

They use the Spanish alphabet.

You should have a chemical toilet on there. My blood has gone into shock.

What about your bag?

Thanks, Sharon.

Kind of you.

What are you on about? They use the same alphabet as us.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on, amigo.

There's three more cases to come out of there.

Finito. What do you mean, finito?

You're sympathy.

Where's my dad's cases?

Three red cases about that big.

Did you definitely put them in?

He was supposed to put them in. He wouldn't let people put them in. I

he told us to just leave them on the pavement.

I don't think Jose would have done that. He doesn't speak English.

Do you, Jose?

No.

Where are the bags?

Just chill out.

They've got to be somewhere.

We know they're somewhere.

The freaking Taj Mahal is somewhere, but it's not here, is it? I thought your

dad's bags were a bit close to that other coach. I remember thinking that

be dangerous if they went in the wrong coach. Oh, brilliant.

And you said nothing.

I hope you're not blaming me.

No, of course I'm not blaming... Oi, where are you going?

Right, listen, you. Where's Egon?

Oi, where do you think you're going? Get out of here now.

Finito. Never mind Finito. Where's our bloody cases?

Sorry, no English.

No English.

Huh? Hey, what are you doing? Are you a crazy person?

Dad, the cases aren't in the coach. The mystery can't be solved here.

Who the frigging hell asked you, Sherlock Holmes? The only mystery here

he's gone from no English to fully fluent in three seconds flat.

Come on, amigo, let's be having you. Oh, for crying out loud.

Yes, I can see it's a holiday rep's table.

I know what a rep's table looks like after nearly 30 years in the travel

industry.

Oh, oh, oh, my God. Pee!

I can't pee!

What on earth is that all about?

I don't know. If I had to give an educating test, I'd say he can't pee.

Right.

Who put that holiday rep table there?

It wasn't me.

You seem to be under the impression that my question was, who didn't put the

table there? Well, I didn't put it there.

Mario didn't put it there.

Jesus didn't put it there. Leslie, you're not listening to me.

And it's Jesus.

Bless you.

Where did the crazy man go?

He's here in a bra and wig.

No, the crazy man's shouting about his pee -pee. He went through all there.

Thank you.

You must be Joyce.

I'm Ms. Temple Savage.

Ms. What?

You just said your name was Ms. Temple Savage. I was told it was Joyce.

Ms. It's what you say when you don't want people to know that you haven't got

fella.

Exactly.

I beg your pardon.

It's Leslie, isn't it?

Yes, Pet.

We met before, haven't we? Yeah, I came here on holiday a few years ago.

We all had a night in the old town with Liam.

Sam, of course. Oh, I'm sorry I didn't recognise you, pet. Hey, son, look who's

here. Ah!

Oh, my God, are you working in Benidorm? Yeah.

Excuse me, what is this? Surprise, surprise.

Come and see us. Blow and go.

Best offer I've had today.

What are you doing here?

Talking a tiff and a twist with me, Grandma.

I'm just doing my job. If you've got a problem, take it up with Benidorm

My office now!

No, love. You want to talk to me, you come to my office over there.

Oi! What are you going to do about these cases?

If you'd like to make your way over to our new complaint desk, sir.

Right. Thank you.

Oh, my God.

I go away for three days.

Smells like somebody died in here.

Who's there?

I've got a weapon.

It's a gun.

I have got a gun.

I am not afraid to use it.

Kenneth!

You're frightening me to death. What have you been doing in here? It stinks.

What's the story, Morning Glory?

Get up!

And open a window!

That bit's done. Keep pouring it in.

Hey!

What are you doing?

I'm trying to go for a pee.

You cannot pee in the pool. This is against the rules.

I don't want to pee in the pool, you idiot.

Then why did you not go to the toilet like a normal person?

I've been in there, runny -tapped.

Now it's working. I've seized up.

Get out of it, you little bastards.

Hey, stop it, you stupid children.

Hey, hey, where are you going?

Come back here, you crazy fat man. You cannot run around like a lunatic.

This is ridiculous.

Your dad's only got the clothes he's standing up in.

You're talking of me, Grandad. Where is he?

He said he needs to go for a wee.

So he's at the airport, then on the plane, then on the coach.

He ran in here. So he must have gone to the toilet.

That were ages ago, darling. He's had time to do a shed load of other stuff as

well as, you know, a wee.

Should we go and look for him?

Oh, he's only been gone ten minutes. I don't think we need a search party just

yet. He's nowhere to be found in the other bus.

So where is he?

Oh!

Good news.

They've found your cases.

Where were they? On the other coat?

No. I mean, yeah.

I mean, I don't know. Well, the point is, they found them, the bags. I mean,

they won't be here for a few hours, but in the meantime, I could probably wangle

you an upgrade on one of your rooms.

Oh, lovely.

They must know where they found them.

Come here, you crazy man. You cannot pee on the guests, Dad.

Are you all right? What's wrong?

I can't pee.

I'm in terrible pain.

Somebody call a doctor.

Call a doctor and say what?

I need to pee.

Sharon, sit down. Just sit down for a minute. I can't sit down. I'm going to

explode.

What's wrong with your granddad? Why is he going to explode?

Don't touch him. No, no, don't. Don't touch him when he gets angry.

The thing is, Crystal, we have never had a holiday rep table in the Solana. And

this idiot company, Benny Go Travel, is clearly run by delinquents.

I see.

You own Benny Go Travel.

Well, what am I?

Sorry?

A noise?

No, I didn't hear anything this end.

Okay, Crypto.

I will give Sam as much help as he needs.

Adios.

What? What is going on? Look what you have done. Great mess.

Look. Look at the water.

We would love to fish you, Odin.

Come here, Dad.

You all right?

Speak to me. You all right, Dad?

Dad, mind all that glass.

That's it. That's it. Here you go.

You missed one.

Oh. Ah.

Move away, everybody. Move away. There is still water leaking from the fish

tank.

That's not water from the fish tank, son.

Oh, that's better.

Not a single lot of life. No bother.

Hi,

here we go.

Lock up your daughter's Benidorm. The boys are back in town. Yeah, man.

Oh, here we go.

All right, lads. Do you need to check in?

We certainly do. Tiger Dyke, Joey Ellis.

Two singles.

I'm just holding the phone. That's right, that's right. We're both singles.

you have any kids, you should lock them up. I'm sorry?

I mean daughters.

Have you got a daughter? Because if you have, you should lock her up. Joey, no.

What are you talking about?

I have no idea what someone he said.

Forget it.

Right. We've got two kinds of holidays here in Benidorm. We've got your

mental holiday, or we've got mental, mental chicken oriental. Oh, put me down

for the last one. Yeah, me as well. I love Chinese.

Okay.

Checking in open just now, but if you make your way over to my desk, I'll talk

you through a few trips we've got going and maybe give you boys a couple of

cheeky welcome shots, yeah?

Let's do it!

All the ladies of the house say whoa!

Yeah,

a drink would be lovely, thank you.

Oh, thanks for that, Pet. Sorry I was so long.

Yes, gentlemen, checking in.

Not just yet, thanks.

Woo!

Get him in, get him in whilst we can. Welcome to the salon.

Checking in. Get around!

All right.

Enough with the air freshener. Got my carbon footprint to think about.

Says you spraying your air with lacquer.

This is a tool of my trade.

I can smell most of your trade from the past three days in there.

Cheeky guess.

I'm over 18.

I can invite whoever I like into my boudoir. That... That's the point. This

not your boudoir. It's a hair salon.

Look, I'm having problems with my flat at the moment.

What sort of problems with your flat?

I haven't got one.

Kenneth, you can't live in the salon.

Why not?

Because you can't move for empty pot noodles and crispy tissues.

That is a treatment room, not a bedsit. Look, why can't we have it as a bedsit

at night and a treatment room during the day? Because the only treatment people

would need going in there would be against impetigo.

Impetigo? I thought that was a shade of purple.

You need to get a flat.

I can't afford another flat.

I haven't got a penny to me name.

Well, you can't sleep here.

We haven't even got a window we can open.

I admit it's not ideal.

If it's not stag party singing blurred lines at three in the morning, it's 25

stone pensioners smashing into fish tanks.

I haven't had a wink of sleep this morning.

Hello. Any chance of a quick trim?

Please.

Take a seat.

Young Liam here will attend to your every wish. Just a bit off the sides and

back, please.

No problem.

A lot of weather we've been having recently.

What's that smell?

Smell? It's like a cross between wet dogs and mouldy cheese.

We were giving our back end a bit of an airing.

Can I please go see my grandad?

No, darling. He needs to rest.

I could think to him. That might make him feel better.

No.

Best we leave him. He's had a nasty fall.

I don't think we're going to see much of him at all for the next couple of days.

With a bit of luck.

I've tried to convince him, but he won't see a doctor.

Oh, he'll be all right.

He's as tough as old boots, that one. Eh?

What about this room?

It's lovely, isn't it?

Sharon, my 70 -year -old dad just smashed headfirst into a massive fish

Not 70, is he? He'll be 70 in December.

You don't seem to be bothered.

Of course I'm bothered.

We'll have a nice party for him.

I don't mean about him being 70. I mean... Hey, what's happened to my

haven't got a stitch of clothing to wear.

Hey, Dad!

Oh, don't be mither in me, Jodie. Love, my back's killing me.

Jodie, why don't you go and see if our Robert's ready to go down to the pool?

What about me? How am I going to live in a pool with no clothes?

You've got the clothes you travelled in. They're soaking wet. I give them hotel

to clean and dry.

You can borrow a pair of my shorts.

A pair of your shorts? What am I going to do with them?

Put them on my head?

Right, that's it all unpacked.

I'll see you by the pool.

What about me? What about me clothes?

I'll go buy you some.

You? I'm not letting you buy me clothes.

I want something with a bit of style.

Thanks.

How did you get this room?

You told me they were all the same.

Well, just look at the door, innit?

You two all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Because I've got a surprise for you.

What is it?

It's not me grandad in one of your dresses, is it?

No, I was going to tell you before, but... What do you mean, in one of my

dresses? How could your grandad fit into one of my dresses?

He couldn't. Carry on.

Then where did you see it?

He won't let me go and buy him clothes because he says I've got no style.

I said, me dad won't. We heard you.

Right. So he's asked if you want to go shopping for him.

No. What's the surprise?

What surprise?

Well... Somebody's coming to visit us.

Coming where? To Benidorm? Yep. Today?

Yep. Who?

It's Emily.

Who's Emily?

Emily, from school.

You've met her loads of times. She always sings, all about that bass, about

bass, no trouble.

Oh, that Emily.

No, not her.

No, somebody who wasn't in Benidorm, but they've made a special journey to come

all the way here and see us.

Why are you doing that stupid game show voice?

Is it someone we hate?

Don't be silly. We don't hate anybody in this family.

Oh, well, in that case, we'd get my dad some clothes.

Hang on. I'm in the middle of something.

Who is it?

It's Nana Chase.

Nana Chase is coming to see us.

A what?

What's she coming here for?

Rob, that's no way to speak about your Nana.

Nana Chase isn't really like a Nana.

Of course she is. She's my mummy, which makes her your Nana.

I know she is.

I said she's not like a Nana.

She's more like an angry woman in a shop.

What shop?

Sex shop.

Oi! Why didn't you tell us your mother was coming to Benidorm? Why?

Why didn't you tell us? Why would you do that? Why?

I just did.

If I can boat with your father for a year, you can boat with my mother for 48

hours. Come on, Jodie, we're going shopping.

Hey, hang on.

He wants a full outfit for that, shoes and all.

Where does he expect us to go shopping?

1965?

He said he wants something jazzy and not boring.

They won't be long.

Won't they?

Nah. Better don't joke. Shop's only a couple of minutes away.

There you go.

Second years off you. You could pass for a man in his early 50s.

I'm 48.

That'll be 12 euros, please.

How did you know Herbert?

Oh, poor Herbert.

He was me uncle.

Well, not by birth, but a very good friend of me mother's.

I was Herbert's dentist.

Bloody hell!

So you were to blame.

He only needed a few black ones and he would have been like a piano with the

up. I did some of my finest work on Herbert's teeth.

I didn't agree on the shade of white he favoured, but that was Herbert.

Larger than life.

I inherited them.

You inherited what? The teeth.

Herbert's teeth.

He gave them to Kenneth in his will.

Really? Yeah.

As you can imagine, I was thrilled.

Do you still have them?

Oh, they're in a bank somewhere. I'm between the directors at the moment.

Um, I'll give you 50 euros for them.

Thank you.

Well, I'm not sure I could part with them.

They hold a great deal of sentimental value.

Sentimental value? You said you were terrified of them. Shut up. 100 euros.

couldn't. It'd be like losing a limb.

150. How can you put a price on a smile?

I just have 150 euros.

No.

Sorry, but my uncle had 10 in his grave.

Well, if you change your mind, I'm Stanley Keene. I have a dental practice

the old town.

That's my number.

Have a good day.

Keen by name, keen by nature.

Are you going to sell them?

Not for 150 euros.

It would go towards a deposit on a new flat.

What do you want with them? They don't fit anyone else.

Put the clothes sign up, Liam. It's time for the treasure hunt.

You start on this one and I'll start looking through my carrier bags.

Two orange juices.

I have no idea how you crazy English people will keep up this level of fun

whole week.

Don't you worry about us, my friend. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Yeah, and we have our running shoes on, so lock up your family.

Most of my family already locked up.

Boys for me, Matteo. I want them in tip -top condition for my pub crawl on

Friday night.

Why did you come here to work?

Well, I heard you were still scrabbling around in the dirt on minimum wage in

Benidorm. So I thought I'd come and watch.

I am not scrambling with the dirt. I am senior barman. I am making more money

than you.

Oh, no, my friend. After all your many, many years in Benidorm, you must know

how many scams and kickbacks holiday reps are on.

Miss Temple Savage does not want you here. Good luck with your kickstand. You

will be taking the sack before the end of the week.

It's true. Temple Savage don't want me around.

So that's why I'm here, to spread the wealth.

The only thing you are good at spreading is your thunder thighs.

How I have missed your wit and charm, Matteo. Oh, that reminds me. Nats ends

best.

Nat? Yeah, my mate Natalie, who you went out with and proposed to.

Maybe I should narrow it down a bit.

Dark, petite, very girly.

That's her I'm describing, not you.

Natalie.

Of course.

I was supposed to call her, but I lost my phone. Save it, dick for brains.

Nobody cares.

What did you want?

I tell you what I want. A quiet life.

So, in the spirit of us all getting along, I'm giving you these.

What are these?

Discount coupons for some of the theme parks.

Every time a punter uses one of them, you get a euro.

This is some kind of trick.

That's still your problem, isn't it, Mateo?

What? Well, apart from being an old, greasy, leathery -faced failure, you

don't know a good thing when you see it.

Did you get something for me, Dad?

Of course I did. Just give him it.

Well?

Well, what?

What did you get? How much was it? Did he like it?

Oh, bloody hell, what's his 20 questions? I don't know if he liked it.

give him the bag.

What was it? What did you get? Oh, for God's sake.

I got him what he asked for. A jazzy, colourful, something he can wear during

the day and night.

Oh, right.

Where's our Geordie? I wonder how long it would take you. She went to Dickie

Donut. Who?

Kit's Club.

What the bloody hell's that?

Well, oddly enough, it's a club in the hotel that's just... No, not that. That!

Are you checking the piss?

I'm sorry, Eddie?

What the frig do you call this?

It's what you act, or something colourful, jazzy, easy to wear.

Jazzy? I look like Demis bloody Rousseau.

Oh, you still like him. Have you seen what you spent me money on?

It don't look too bad.

What the freaking hell are these?

That's it.

Sit there and bloody laugh at me.

Listen,

Eddie, I got you exactly what you asked for. Oh, my God, you dirty sod.

Oh, my God.

You dirty, dirty, evil, married rock bugger.

Four O's makes you ten, and ten's your twenty.

Is that all right for you, Phyllis?

Oh,

you look gorgeous.

If only I was 50 or 60 years older.

Did you hear me?

I said I found the teeth.

What? I've just been violated.

Violated?

By who?

There was nobody here apart from Phyllis.

You've been violated by Phyllis?

What did she do, pull up a shirt and show you her ankle? She felt my bum.

Are you on glue?

I feel like a piece of meat. Oh, Liam.

But this is 90s. She's a day.

The last thing she's going to do is look at you like a piece of meat.

I would have to teeth in anyway.

Right.

Talking of teeth.

Come on.

We're off to see the dentist.

Come on.

I want to have a shower.

Let's go before Phyllis comes back wearing something very revealing and

does she?

I hope this is just a break you're going on. That

salon is never open.

Don't be envious, Joyce.

Green was never your colour. It clashes terribly with your five o 'clock shadow.

All I'm saying, Leslie, is yes.

It's not unusual for this Lana to put a rep into the hotel.

But this Sam may not be all she seems.

How do you mean?

I mean, she could be a rat.

Really? Yes.

That's surprising, because I'm not supposed to get on with rats. What with

being a pig.

Sorry? Chinese Zodiac on the year of the pig.

No, no, you don't understand.

She could be a mole.

A snake.

In the grass.

Well, there's a year of the snake, but I can't remember them being a mule.

Will you shut up about the Chinese bloody Zodiac?

That new rep is an informant.

Who's she informing?

Crystal Hennessy Vance.

But if we're not doing anything wrong, she's got nothing to inform her about,

has she?

Oh.

Yes, pal.

This is actually very comfortable.

You look brilliant, Grandad. Like a big, fat, shining sun.

All right.

Less of the fat.

You what?

You're not wearing that all day, are you?

Sharon said she'd go and get you something else, didn't you?

It seems I'll be in that.

You said they'd found me cases, so I should get them back today.

Plus, they've got me clothes I were wearing when I ran into a fish tank.

Mind you.

I wish you'd not given me underpants.

The old gobstoppers are getting a bit sticky, if you know what I mean.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Everything all right?

No, not really. What's happening with them cases?

Cases? Yeah, me dad's cases. He said they'd found them.

Did I?

I mean, I did. I did say that.

You said they won't be here for a few hours, but in the meantime, you could

wangle an upgrade on one of the rooms.

Is that right?

Wangle?

So, your room is an upgrade.

You said it was a look of the draw.

Right, I want that room.

You can frig off. What we thought was, because you had the room upgrade last

year, look at that, it's my case that's gone missing. That room belongs to me.

Well, you're not in that room, so that's the end of it. Just that we're all

unpacked now. You're lucky you've got some to unpack.

What about me?

Dressed as a living room cairn with me knackers stuck to me legs. All right,

that's enough.

Oh, my days, what's the dad wearing?

That's me grandad.

Oh, my days. What's your grandad wearing?

He smashed into a fish tank.

Oh. That would explain it.

So, are you out of us tonight in Robster?

Three single boys in, Benny.

Who's Benny?

Benidorm. Oh, right.

Do you know what? I'm going to give it a miss tonight, lads, if that's all right

with you. You're joking.

We've all been counting down on Facebook for this night for the past six months.

You know, sometimes I wish I could stay on my duvet all day.

It's not a duvet, it's a caftan.

Duvet, caftan, whatever.

Sometimes you just want to kick back and lounge, innit?

I don't know about kicking back, he's kicking off.

Yeah, I'd better get back to them. See you later. We've got all week to go out,

yeah? No worries, man.

Hey, maybe we can get some caftans to go out in tonight.

Joey, we're going out tonight to try and sleep with women.

And what's saying sleep with me better than going out in something that looks

like a duvet?

Aw, you know I'm onto something.

Yeah, a night hat on your own if you can't dress like that.

Yeah, all right, Mo.

Yeah, think about it. Cheers, love. Ta -ra.

Who was it?

Mo.

You know Mo.

No. You do.

Mo.

Flaming Mo. Big Mo.

Slow Mo.

Fly Mo.

Mo. Mo from the old town. Kenneth, no matter how many words or phrases you put

before or after the name, it won't change the fact I don't know anyone

Mo. He's that Moroccan barman from the pink trombone in the old town.

I think his full name is Mohamed.

Either that or Maureen.

Anyway, he's moving in with his boyfriend and his flat's up for rent.

giving me first refusal.

There you go.

Perfect. Liam, how am I going to afford a two -bed flat in the old town?

Oh, is it a two -bedder? Yeah.

500 a month plus another 500 deposit.

Absolutely no chance.

Well, you're selling your dead uncle's teeth for 150 euros. It's a start.

Liam, do you mind?

Sometimes you make me sound so insensitive.

Almost uncaring.

Sorry.

Come on, give them scaredy -mashes.

We're going in.

And then she gave me these and said if I hand them out, I will get money.

Well, she's obviously on some sort of commission with a theme park.

Yes, I know this, but why is she giving this to me?

Because she wants to get along with everyone.

No. No way. I know her. She's a snake.

Oh, don't you start as well. What?

Nothing. Look, I don't know the last word, but I remember when she was here

holiday. She seems okay.

No.

No, my little makeup -wearing friend. I do not trust her and will be giving her

the white girth. and I suggest you give her one as well.

Right, what's going on with my clothes?

Well, judging by your current outfit, I'd say you've pretty much lost the

Not these clothes. The clothes I gave you to dry clean.

You didn't give me any clothes to dry clean.

Not you personally.

I came out to my room and I gave me clothes to a member of staff walking

the corridor, and I told him I wanted them dry cleaned.

We don't do dry cleaning.

Well, where are my clothes?

Okay, let's start from the beginning.

Which member of staff did you give your clothes to?

They were wearing red overalls and they had a badge saying Jesus.

You gave your clothes to Jesus. He works in maintenance.

He'll have gone home by now.

Well, then where are my cases that went missing? Oh, well, you'll have to see

the rep about that.

No, bugger that.

You just keep fobbing me off. I want my clothes.

I'm not asking Rep and I'm not asking Jesus.

I'm asking you.

Excuse me, is there a problem?

Yes, there is. I want to know what's happened to me clothes.

By the look of them, I'm not sure.

An explosion in a paint factory?

Not these clothes, the clothes in me suitcases.

We don't have your clothes.

I suggest you talk to your Rep.

If you can find her.

Right, that's it.

I'll see you in court because I'm suing you. Really?

Right after we sue you for destroying hotel property, endangering the lives of

hotel guests from flying glass, attempted murder on various tropical

peeing on our reception floor.

You've not seen the last of me.

Seen the last of you?

Wearing that ridiculous outfit we can see you from the bloody moon.

Unless I don't think my nerves can take much more today.

What you'll need is a lovely relaxing foot massage and a cheeky manicure.

You're right.

That would be lovely.

I must apologise for being a bit sentimental earlier, Kenny.

It is Kenny, isn't it? Kenneth.

The thing is, Kenny, I offered you far too much money.

To anybody else, these teeth are worthless.

However, I will give you 50 euros.

50? You said 150 in the salon.

Their market value is nil.

Zero. Nada.

It's just that they do represent my finest work.

I mean, would Franz Hals want his laughing Cavalier back?

Would Whistler want his mother back?

I'm sorry, I don't know how many of these people are. Or their mothers.

You're not familiar with art, are you, Kenny?

Actually, that's where you're wrong.

My mother had quite an extensive art collection.

Oh, really?

Yes, including that one of the dogs sitting at the table playing cards and

Chinese woman with the green face.

Well, then, you clearly know a work of art when you see one. So if they're a

work of art, they must be worth money.

But only to me.

And luckily, that's who we're telling them to.

So get your purse out.

Well, I can offer you 60 euros.

300. Oh, that is ridiculous.

Come on, Liam, we're wasting our time here.

70 euros.

300 euros.

75. 250 euros and that's the bottom line. Kenny, you're crazy.

These things are worthless and you said yourself you don't like them. Now, stop

being greedy and give me back my work.

Firstly, my name is not Kenny, it's Kenneth.

And secondly, if you want my uncle's teeth, you'll have to get your snorkel

because I'm throwing these in the sea. What?

You can't do that. Very, let's see, very dignified. Whatever it would have

wanted. I cannot let you throw these teeth in the sea. I will not let you do

that. Give it to me. Give it to me. Get off the man. Give it to me. Get off my

teeth. Apology.

All right.

Give it to me. Get off the man. Give it to me. Get off the man.

Worthless to anyone but you.

Oh, Stanley.

You little liar.

400 euros.

Can't believe in all this time you had no idea half those seats were solid

I was hardly going to take them out of the box and try them for size.

Your Uncle Herbert did look after you in the end.

1 ,400 euros.

Small change to him. Don't be ungrateful. It's more money than

given me.

You've got a point.

Cheers, Uncle Herbert.

To Uncle Herbert. Uncle Herbert.

And now, thanks to him, you get your dream flat in the old town.

Oh, I've been thinking about that.

There's no way I'm going to be able to afford a flat on my own.

Not long term.

So get a flat, mate.

Who's going to share with me?

Somebody who likes you.

Somebody who's tidy and can encourage you to be more tidy.

Somebody trustworthy.

Good fun.

Someone you like being around.

You've just ruled out most of the people I drink with.

This calls for a list to be drawn up.

At least half an hour. Yeah, yeah, sweet.

I'm going to nip back to the Solana. I'll be back. Bit of business.

Yeah, no worries.

Where's she going?

Those glow sticks. I wish I'd say the late 1980s.

How you been getting on?

Not bad.

Chatted to a nice girl, but she was like 18.

What's wrong with that? No good, mate.

You never get past first base.

I need a woman with a bit more experience.

An older woman spoke to me at that other bar. She was nice.

How much older? Too old, mate.

I'd say in her 40s. Oh, never say no to an older woman. Really?

Yeah. You know about a woman's sexual peak?

Is that when she has a sneaky look at your knob?

What? No, no, not that kind of peak. A woman is at her sexual peak at around 40

years of age.

Seriously? You look like Loretta then.

Loretta? Ooh, that is the name of one dirty lady.

Show me the one.

Mate, if that's what you're into, you should go for it. She looks like she's

her own as well.

Oh, hang on a minute. There she is.

Loretta, may I introduce my friend Tiger?

Hello, Tiger.

Tiger was just saying he's absolutely mad for an older woman.

Oh, no offence.

No offence taken, Joey, none whatsoever.

Same again, boy?

Yeah, nice one. Orange juice for me and a pint for Tiger.

Coming up, boys.

Joey, she's about 100.

100? Serious? Well, not 100, but you know, a hick of a lot older than late

I've always been rubbish at guessing people's age. Plus, it was dark over at

other side of the club.

Still, look on the bright side, she's getting the drinks in.

True.

I'd like this understanding the cases weren't yours, but if you just write

all the items of clothing, footwear, toiletries, electrical goods, everything

that was in your case on the left -hand side and next to it how much it were

worth. All right, but it's going to add up, that's what you know. I don't skimp

on my clobber.

Yeah, I can see that.

Anyway, the Solana group have admitted full responsibility, so we should settle

your claim before the end of the holiday.

And so you should.

Oh. And they don't usually do this, but I got them to give you an emergency

payment of 100 euros to buy a new outfit to keep you going.

Just sign there for it and I'll get that processed as soon as possible.

Thank you, sweetheart.

You've done me proud.

Have a good one.

I might lose my cases a bit more often from now on.

Grandad, people are still laughing at your dress.

They're not laughing at your grandad's dress, darling. They're laughing at your

grandad's caftan. Men don't wear dresses.

Evening.

Some men wear dresses, but your grandad is wearing a caftan that looks like a

dress. Very funny, Sharon.

But you know I'll have the last laugh when I get my compensation claim.

What are you going to do in the meantime?

I can't wear that every day.

Of course not.

I'm going to get myself a pair of speedos tomorrow.

So when I'm not wearing my caftan, I'll be wearing those.

Or maybe a nice leopard skin thong.

Listen,

would you lot mind if I went out with Tiger and Joey tonight? I told them I

staying here, but my nana isn't coming in till tomorrow now.

Yeah, you go out, son. If you end up in one of them dodgy bars with you all

doing shots out of a stripper's belly button, give us a shout. I might join

Joke, obviously, just a joke.

Not my kind of thing. Get out and stand shots.

Right, see you all later.

Oh, don't be late.

I won't. I'll be really, really early. And be careful.

Yeah.

I can shadow him if you like.

You what?

You know, follow him from a discreet distance so he don't get into any

A discreet distance?

Just as a large child do be.

I think you look great, Grandad. It makes me happy every time I look at you.

Well, then we're equal, my darling. Because every time I look at you, you

me very happy.

And to show you how happy you make me, Grandad.

I'm going to sing you a song.

Oh.

Oh, I didn't realise you were that happy.

I tell you what, darling, why don't you wait a few days?

Because you know that thing you get on the airplane where you can't hear

anything? Yeah.

Well, I've got that, and I should hate to miss it, darling.

Truly, I would.

You never mentioned your ears when you got off the plane.

Pardon?

I'll tell you when she's all right.

Lesley, you do not know her. She was always making trouble for me and my

girlfriend, Natalie.

Or was she just trying to protect her because you were already married?

Whose side are you on, huh? I'm on nobody's side. I'm just saying. We

give her a chance.

Here you go.

Ten euros.

What is this?

From the coupons I gave you today.

The flyers.

What trick are you playing, huh? I threw those flyers away.

No, you didn't.

What? You throw them next to the computer on the reception.

I put them on the desk.

Well, whatever.

Obviously, ten people use them for the various theme parks, and you get one

commission for each one.

Not a fortune, but over a month it can add up to quite a nice bonus.

I'll get some for you too, Leslie.

Well, that's if you want some.

Oh, aye, chuck in.

Right, that is me finally knocking off for tonight.

Time for a drink with your Liam.

See you later.

Are we all agreed that we're going to do the best we can to get Crystal to

remove this annoying holiday rep? No, she should be.

I think she'll do really well here.

Yes, great, how do you say, addition to the team.

Right, I see.

Well, that's that decided then.

Sorry we've not been around. We had a busy day, didn't we, Kenneth?

Yeah, been run ragged. Never known anything like it. I was just saying,

great having Sam working at the saloon.

Yeah, great.

Oh, it's no good. I've texted everyone.

Fat Phil, Andy from the gym, Leslie, Trish, Coco, both the Bee Gees and Olly

Murs. None of them are looking for a flat shirt. I think you need to start

looking a bit closer to home.

What are you talking about? We all live in Benidorm.

No, no, much closer to home, like this table.

You looking for somewhere to live?

No, not her, for God's sake, Ken. It's me.

You?

You've never lived with me.

Well, let's try it. I love my dad, but I can't live with him forever.

He needs his space.

So do I.

Serious? Serious.

You're messy, but a great cook. I've got OCD and can burn a salad with a perfect

match.

Flatmates? It's true. I can't make a pan of toast that would make a grown man

cry.

Flatmates!

And the first one's rented on me. Well, Uncle Herbert.

Lucky hell, I wish I had an uncle like that.

Oh, he doesn't know about it. We pulled out his gold teeth and sold them at the

indoor market.

To Uncle Herbert.

Thank you.

Uncle Herbert.

mate, my phone's dead and Tyga's absolutely smashed on short.

You've not been stuck in the Mount Stripper's bellybuttons, I hope? No,

but the woman we've met would definitely let you do it. Amazing.

Yeah, she's too old for Tyga, but she's pissed.

Pissed. What's the word?

Pissed out of her mind? No.

Persistent.

Loretta? Loretta, this is... Hello, Robert.

How many young guys have you met in Benidorm already?

You said this was your first night.

Yeah.

Robster.

O to the G to the M. Your face says it all. Please don't tell me you two went

all the way.

Joey.

Joey, you don't understand.

Rob, are you all right?

Loretta is... Loretta is my nana.

Nana? Who's the nana?

Wait a minute. You don't mean your nan, do you? She's my grandmother.