Original subtitles

Barnaby Jones, starring Buddy Ebsen.

Also starring Lee Meriwether, with guest stars Fritz Weaver,

Harris Ulan, Mario Raccuzzo,

and Helm.

Tonight's episode, Conspiracy of Terror.

So that's the story. I had no real insurance.

Nothing.

Nothing for Helen and the kids.

So it wasn't tough for me to say that Charlotte Sheffield and I were having an

affair.

And that I killed her in a fit of anger.

But now you say you didn't.

No. Sheffield killed her.

I was dying. I had nothing to lose.

Lauren Sheffield.

promised me that if I took the blame, he'd look after my wife and children.

Riley, you know very well that you don't need me for this.

If you call a press conference, you'd have your story in the headlines by

morning.

No. Uh -huh.

I don't want that.

Mr. Terrence,

the cons here say you can be trusted.

Your book, uh... Seven Death Row. Yeah.

You treated those guys right.

You gotta promise me you'll do this for me, too.

I'm listening.

I'm keeping up my end of the bargain.

I'll do the time.

It can't be much longer the way I feel.

But I gotta be sure that Sheffield keeps up his end of the deal.

And he takes care of Helen and the kids.

What is it you want me to do, Riley?

When I'm gone, he goes back on his word.

You can use this story any way you want.

But I want the story of Charlotte Sheffield's murder told.

You can count on it.

But you'd shake him up a lot more if you told the authorities now.

No.

Then Helen would have nothing.

Who's there?

How long have you been standing there?

It's okay.

Stacy's my cellmate.

Yeah, I just come to tell Riley that he's wanted down to radiology.

Didn't mean to interrupt anything.

We'll talk again soon, Riley.

You will do what I ask?

Sure.

Lauren, let me talk to him first.

Why?

I have an idea.

Just give me five minutes. It'll make things a lot easier.

All right, Porter.

If Stacey Vernon's message is correct, it could mean trouble. I must have that

tape.

I was only a stringer, but I worked for Sheffield's paper for over eight years.

It wasn't unusual he'd call me up to the house.

I'd been there maybe a dozen times before.

Mr. Terrence, I'm Porter Long. I represent... Yes, I know who you

I'm very busy, Mr. Long.

Well, I'm sorry for intruding at such a late hour.

But I understand you received some information regarding Mr. Sheffield

There really isn't any point in our fencing words.

I know John Riley didn't kill Charlotte Sheffield.

Riley's using you, Mr. Terrence.

Oh? He wants to get revenge on Lauren.

The same reason he went after Charlotte. For some unknown reason, Riley hates

Lauren.

I think he has a very good reason indeed.

Well, you must understand how a man in Mr.

Sheffield's position, the state senate race, in front of him, publicity like

this could destroy him. Oh, yes, it could.

It could.

You know, I promised Riley that I'd remain silent so long as Sheffield took

of his family.

I would never go back on my word.

But the thought of Sheffield gaining a foothold in government, well, I'd just

have to fight him another way on that.

I advise against that.

Lauren.

Writer of your experience, Mr. Terrence, must realize that in my position, I can

do you a great deal of good.

Or harm.

Yes, I'm well aware of the power of the press.

Good. Then we can do business like two civilized men.

I'm afraid your price would be a little too civilized for me, considering what

Riley has already told me.

I knew Charlotte was dead the minute I saw her.

Sheffield never turned a hair.

He asked me to cover up her murder the same way you'd ask for a second cup of

coffee. Leave it alone, Sheffield.

I can't allow this to be held over my head.

I warn you, this is loaded.

Now put the tape on the desk.

Perhaps we could work something out. The only reason I haven't gone to the

police is my promise to Riley.

Now put it down.

Now don't tempt me and get out of here, both of you.

What are you doing?

Everybody knows writers are emotionally unstable.

Simple case of suicide.

Don't you see, Mr. Jones, there's no reason for Jeffrey to commit suicide.

I've never heard of a good reason for suicide. I'm more interested in why he

wouldn't.

Jeffrey celebrated life.

He reveled in the challenge of it.

So did Hemingway.

Mr. Jones.

I agented the sale of Jeffrey's first book.

And I was there when he won his Pulitzer.

I knew him better than anyone.

I'm sure you did, but if he didn't kill himself, we're talking about murder.

And that's a pretty strong medicine to be taking without a prescription.

Okay, okay, I know it isn't evidence.

And you'll probably say it's frivolous.

Try me, Miss Meyer.

All right.

You've probably read about the grand parties Jeffrey liked to throw. Oh, he

loved them.

About the only thing he loved more was going to someone else's.

And this Friday, we were to fly to London for the Duke's costume ball.

Jeffrey had already selected his outfit.

And you figure he wouldn't be caught dead missing that.

Exactly.

Ugly death like this? Never.

It's an embarrassment he'd never impose on himself.

Or anyone else.

What about his writing?

Was he working on a book?

Nearly finished.

And planning another after that.

Well, the day he died, you know, he called me. All excited. It was something

about an interview with an inmate at state prison.

Suicide was the last thing on his mind.

Well, I must admit, he doesn't sound like a man who was thinking of taking

own life.

But the puzzle is, if he didn't, who did?

Well, now, that's why I want you to take the case.

To find out.

Well, Miss Meyer, it sounds a little more like a challenge than an offer.

Nevertheless, I'll take you up on it.

Oh, by the way, I hope you all understand, gentlemen and ladies.

Forgive me, Bertha.

I hope you all understand that I want any mention of the candidacy held at a

very low key.

I mean, it's hardly proper if the Sheffield media toots the Sheffield horn

loud and too long.

We don't want a backlash, folks.

Well, then you want us to hold a low profile until your candidacy is

officially.

Not too low, though. I still want to get elected.

Frank, I never tried to influence your column, now did I? But a kind word from

you wouldn't hurt.

You forget, Lauren, I'm incorruptible. Oh, yes.

That's the very word I had in mind.

Ah, darling.

You look lovely.

Thank you all for coming.

Are you sure, Lauren?

There isn't another announcement you want to tell me about?

Forget both. I'm a recent widower.

And for now, at least, a confirmed bachelor. But I promise if I change my

you'll have an exclusive.

I'll hold you to that.

Silk against satin.

Smooth all the way.

Not if this Terrence thing blows up in our faces.

How can it? We've destroyed the table.

What if Riley should decide to talk to someone else?

You better make sure he understands what will happen if he does.

No one knows the pups. Not now.

Note here in the apex, John, it appears to be much clearer than it was a month

ago.

Does that mean I'm getting better?

John, I don't want to build your hopes up unduly, but yes.

The carcinoma has definitely entered a state of remission.

What's the matter?

I thought you'd be pleased.

If you don't mind, I'd like to be alone for a while, okay?

Take all the time you want.

Barnaby Jones.

Took an awful lot of talking and paper signing to get in here to see you.

This place is tougher to get into than Fort Knox.

It's even tougher to get out of.

Mr. Jones, didn't you get my message?

I really don't know anything about Jeffrey Terrence that you can use.

Well, there's just a couple of details that I need.

Mr. Terrence's agent was very anxious to find out exactly what he was working on

at the time of his death.

Best of my memory, all he did was ask me general questions.

How I reacted to prison.

Stuff like that.

I guess he thought since I'd been a newspaper man, I could articulate it

than most.

That was Mr. Terrence who asked for the interview?

Yes.

Why do you ask?

Well, e -newspaper people need a nose for news. A detective just needs a nose.

Well, the guards told me that he saw Mr.

Terrence tape recording your conversation.

Yes, I suppose he did.

I wasn't having a very good day.

Remember any of the questions?

Mr. Jones, I'm sorry. I don't even remember my answers.

The doctor said that it was because of the medication I was receiving.

Yeah, sometimes your memory deserts you at odd moments.

I remember once I was introducing my mother -in -law to a group of people,

said, folks, I want you to meet my mother -in -law, Mrs... I couldn't

her name.

Believe me, I remember that for that.

Well, we should have no trouble finding that tape among Mr. Terrence's things.

Thank you very much for your time, Mr... One more thing.

On the day of the interview...

Did Mr. Terrence exhibit any signs of thinking of suicide?

No.

Of course, all my years as a newspaper man, I never met anyone who could say

when a man on a ledge was going to jump.

Yeah, I suppose that's true.

Unless, of course, the man was pushed.

Thank you, Mr. Riley.

I hope you decided to use your head in there, Riley.

Use my head?

Well, those friends of yours, they're my friends now.

That lawyer Portalong got for me a couple of months ago.

He's springing me tomorrow.

Hey, I'm very happy for you, Stacy.

Stay happy, then.

Don't get any more ideas about opening up your mouth like you did with

huh?

Otherwise, your family's had it.

Long said to remind you that most accidents take place in the home.

You know, there's no telling what could happen if they weren't around to keep an

eye on the kids.

You think about it.

Find anything on the Riley interview?

No.

I'll save this for Mr. Terrence.

I've never seen such organized material.

Oh, that was Jeffrey's forte as a writer. Completely organized.

Ultimate attention to the smallest detail.

You can see that again.

Look at these cassettes.

I have been for hours.

Every one of them.

Everything neatly labeled and cataloged. That's not what I mean. Every single

cassette had a full left spool on side one.

It means that they were all rewound and not one of them was taken off the

machine in the middle of play.

Doesn't that just mean that Mr. Terrence kept his materials ready to use?

Well, I think it tells us a little more than that. Unless we can find one

cassette that was ejected before it was rewound, we know there's one missing.

Well, there shouldn't be.

Nothing's been touched since Jeffrey's body was found.

Well, that's what troubles me.

The counter on the recorder here reads 462, but there's no cassette.

And if Mr. Terrence had rewound that tape the way he did all of the others,

the counter would read zero.

Right. The last tape he was working on was removed in the middle of its play.

The Riley interview.

Well, since that's the one we can't find, that's a pretty good bet.

What puzzles me is why anyone would want that interview taped badly enough to

kill Jeffrey.

You know, if I'd had any idea that Riley's letter to Jeffrey would have led

this.

You mean Riley asked for the interview?

Yes, of course. Why?

He told me it was the other way around.

Then he lied.

Riley pleaded for that interview.

A dying man, Jeffrey couldn't refuse.

I kind of thought that Riley wasn't revealing everything he knew.

Makes you kind of wonder what was really on that interview tape.

Paul Chan, if Riley doesn't tell you, there's no one left to ask.

There may be one.

Stacey Vernon, Riley's cellmate, gets out of prison today.

A high -priced lawyer named Scoval got him out on a technicality.

Betty, would you see if you can find out who hired Mr.

Scoval? I'll get right on it. Oh, where are you going to be?

Well, I think that Miss Meyer and I are going to try to give a helping hand to

Mr. Vernon on his road to rehabilitation.

Hey, C. Vernon.

Yeah. Barnaby Jones is my name.

Miss Barron and I thought you'd probably need a lift into town.

If things work out right, you could make a few dollars in the bargain.

Well, what are you talking about?

Well, get in. We'll explain.

I sure appreciate you stopping.

You know, for two years I dreamt about one of these things. It's funny, huh?

Not checks or booze or cars.

If you accept Ms. Meyer's proposition, you'll have the money for the whole

Come on, I don't know nothing about writing.

You don't have to.

I can get someone to handle that.

What I'm interested in is the information that Jeffrey Terrence

interview with John Riley.

So if you could recall something, it could be extremely valuable.

How valuable?

Since it's possible, we could get a book out of it.

Let's say $10 ,000 for your fee.

Let's say $25 ,000.

Right, $25 ,000.

What's the matter?

I think Mr. Vernon is having trouble adjusting to the rarefied atmosphere.

Yeah, I sure am.

Lady, I don't know nothing about what you want. I wish I did.

But you said... First day madness.

All ex -cons get it.

Hey, listen, I think I'm going to walk from here.

I got some thinking I want to do.

Thanks for the ride in the hamburger.

You know where to reach us if you remember anything.

Well, what did I do wrong?

The good thing you're a literary agent, not a private detective.

You would raise the overhead something terrible.

Well, I just thought if the amount were high enough, he'd have to tell us. The

trouble with inflation is it makes a seller's market.

If Vernon has anything, he'll shop it around.

Then I think we'll hear from him.

I wasn't very smart of you to come here like this. You could have been seen.

Don't mean to trouble you, Mr. Sheffield. It's just that after Mr. Long

that lawyer and all, well, I wanted to thank you.

Had no idea I'd get out so fast.

Truthfully, neither did I.

Yeah, well, things are sure going my way now.

I even got an offer to write a book.

What kind of book?

Audrey Meyer.

Mr. Terrence's agent offered me $25 ,000.

Seems to think there's a book in the information that Riley gave Terrence.

She and a detective named Jones met me when I got out.

Now, wait a minute. Hold on, Porter.

Let Stacy make his point.

Well, since she seems to think it's going to be a bestseller, and knowing

Sheffield here was in the publishing business... You're talking blackmail.

No, I never mentioned that.

I just wanted to give Mr. Sheffield first crack.

How much?

Well, let's say you were to double that agent's offer.

$50 ,000.

$50 ,000? I don't have that kind of money in the house.

Take a down payment for starters.

That's fair enough.

Porter?

Coffee, Mr. Brown.

That's what I have to do until we can arrange for the rest.

You call when you're located.

Sure, sure.

Listen, it was nice doing business with you guys.

For a while there, I thought you might take it wrong.

Oh, no, not at all.

No, I admire a man who recognizes his assets and uses them.

Good day, Mr. Furman.

can't just kill someone.

I mean, Terrence's death couldn't be helped.

And Charlotte.

I can understand how in anger she embarrassed me with her drunken

She was determined to stand in the way of everything I've ever worked for. I

couldn't allow that any more than I will allow Vernon.

You're talking about cold, premeditated murder.

I mean, I'm no saint.

Then do what I ask you.

If you can't kill Vernon, get somebody else. But Stephen's taken care of

tonight.

No, John never mentioned Jeffrey Terrence to me. But then, the way things

we don't talk much when I visit, Mr. Jones. We just touch and hope and pray.

Yes, I can understand that.

Mrs. Riley.

Did your husband ever tell you the full story of Charlotte Sheffield's murder?

I think he knew it wouldn't do him any good.

How so?

After 15 years, a woman knows some things about men that she's lived with.

I mean, John would never have had an affair with that woman.

Since your husband was convicted of killing his wife, doesn't Mr.

Sheffield's generosity seem a little strange?

I think, uh, after everything that's happened, Mr. Jones, I'm the last person

that you should ask for a judgment like that.

Have you spoken to your husband's doctor lately?

No, no, I haven't.

John asked me not to.

He said he didn't want me counting the days.

Well, he might not mind so much now, because according to the doctor, there

going to be a lot more days to count, maybe even years.

But then why didn't John tell me that?

Sometimes good news kind of sticks in the throat when you can't put your arms

around the one you want to tell it to.

Okay,

baby, just a second.

Be patient, baby. Be patient. You're 15 minutes early. When Daddy says 8 .30, he

means 8 .30.

Uh, Stacy Vernon?

Yeah. Ah.

Oh, Barnaby.

Brought you here.

Just dropped by to make a reservation?

Nope. Looks like this motel could be hazardous to your health. What does the

corner make it, Lieutenant?

Suicide. Should be first day blues.

Vernon just got out of the slammer yesterday.

Yeah, I know.

He wasn't exactly dressed for walking off a balcony.

Any sign of a first night girlfriend?

Bellhop said she arrived about 45 minutes late.

When Vernon didn't answer the door, they figured he'd got drunk and passed out.

Gardner found him this morning.

Drink that much?

Enough, judging from the bottles in his room.

You still haven't told me what you're doing here.

Well, your office told me where I'd find you, and then I realized we had an

interest in common.

My client offered Vernon a lot of money yesterday for a little information.

He didn't take it?

I think he put it out for bids.

One thing for sure, he's too smart a con to take himself out this way.

If I run onto anything, I'll give you a call.

Barnaby Jones office. May I help you?

It's me, Betty.

Oh, Barnaby.

You caught me halfway out of the elevator.

You may owe me a pair of new hose.

I'll buy you two pair of new hose if you help me.

Stacy Vernon was dead when I got here.

Oh, I was just talking about him a few minutes ago.

Did you get anything?

Maybe. I managed to have lunch with one of the younger members of the School

Ball law firm.

It took some doing.

But he finally told me that Vernon's legal fees were paid by a man named

Long.

Porter Long.

Am I supposed to know that name? Porter Long is Lauren Sheffield's right -hand

man. And Lauren Sheffield is... I know who Lauren Sheffield is.

Thanks, Betty.

Go out and buy yourself a whole box of new hose.

You shouldn't have spent the money on this.

Lisa told me to tell you that she got the lead in Antigone.

Antigone? With braces on her teeth?

That'll be something.

How's Greg?

He's fine. He got quarterback on his football team.

John.

John, why didn't you tell me?

What?

That you're getting well.

Who said that?

Mr. Jones and I talked to your doctors.

Well, you shouldn't have.

It won't change anything.

John, it would if you would let it.

Mr. Jones says that you're not telling everything you know about Jeffrey

Terrence's death.

I don't care what Mr. Jones says.

Well, it all has to do with Charlotte Sheffield's murder, doesn't it?

Stop it, Helen. Leave me alone. Just leave me alone.

Darling, don't you understand that there's any time?

Anytime at all, a day.

A day that belongs to Craig and Elisa and to me.

You belong to us, John.

Helen.

Helen.

Believe me.

If there was anything I could do to get out of here, to be with you and the

kids, I'd do anything.

I'd say anything.

I love you, Helen.

Mr. Jones is investigating the death of Jeffrey Terrence.

What is it I can do for you, Mr. Jones?

The problem is every lead I get takes me back to Riley. I was hoping you might

be able to provide me with some information.

I'm sure my personnel department can give you more than I can.

Well, funny, I thought you two were good friends.

Why is that?

Well, I talked to Mrs. Riley, and she told me that you had been continuing to

pay Mr.

Riley's salary.

Now, that seems very generous in light of the situation.

Mr.

Jones, my wife was not a very discreet woman.

John Riley was not the first man to share a bottle with her or her

Now, Porter, maybe Mr. Jones would like something. No, thank you.

Then you don't blame Mr. Riley.

At first I did.

Charlotte was the kind of woman who could drive a man to kill.

Any man.

Does that include you, Mr. Sheffield?

Mr. Jones, if I may interrupt, it's company policy to take care of the

of employees.

Was Stacy Vernon an employee?

Vernon? He was Mr.

Riley's cellmate.

Mr. Long went to great expense and trouble to get him out.

Porter became interested in his case while visiting Riley.

I was glad we could be of help.

Too bad Vernon didn't live to enjoy his freedom.

He died last night.

Oh, that's too bad.

Mr. Jones, I'm afraid I've let the time slip up on us.

Unless you have some more questions?

Well, just one.

Were you acquainted with Mr. Terrence?

No. No, no. I confess I was an admirer of his work.

Well, I was hoping you might be able to tell me why someone would steal the tape

of his interview with Riley.

Well, I'm sorry I can't help you.

But I'm sure a man of your resources will find the answer ultimately. Oh, I

will. It's kind of like learning to play the guitar by ear.

You just keep plucking all the strings until you find the right notes.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Mr. Jones, you're wasting your time.

I don't really feel up to answering any more questions.

You're looking a lot better to me.

Did you hear what happened to Stacy Vernon?

They let us watch television.

Did you know it was Lauren Sheffield that got him out?

What do you want?

I'm very grateful to Mr. Sheffield.

After what I did.

You know the whole story.

All but a part of it.

Why would a man like you, in your state of health, go after a woman like

Charlotte Sheffield?

Maybe I wanted just one last fling.

That's not much of an answer.

Especially in view of the hell it put your family through.

Your wife doesn't believe it, and neither do I.

Well, you're just gonna have to live with it.

Or die with it, like Jeffrey Terrence.

He tried to help, too, didn't he?

Look, I'm not asking you for help.

But you did ask Terrence.

His agent remembers your letter.

Riley, I can understand why prison doesn't hold much terror for a man who

he's dying. Especially if a few months behind bars will provide for his wife

children after he's gone.

You finished, Jones?

Not quite.

The doctors tell me that those months could be years now.

A small lifetime.

Look... I know what I've done.

And why don't you tell me the truth the way I believe you told Terrence?

I'm a dead man.

Don't you see that?

I learned to live without a long time ago.

Even if the doctors are right, nothing I can say is going to change that.

I'm a dead man.

Don't you understand that?

Without hope, none of us would be alive.

You missed your calling, Jones.

You should write epitaph.

I'm just dying to make the announcement about you two.

What say?

Should we let it out?

Let.

All right.

No, sir, but the nothing formal just a little tidbit or two about how well my

relationship with Miss Mason is coming along You

know

Frank I just may have an exclusive for your column What's the matter one of

pen pals need some free space?

Jeffrey Terrence never had to beg for space when he was alive.

Oh, I'm sorry. The sad news is that he's yesterday's news now.

Not if that detective I hired, Barnaby Jones, is right.

He thinks he's unlocked the mystery surrounding Jeffrey's death.

You mean why he committed suicide?

No. Jones thinks it was murder.

Well, it seems Jeffrey had made some notes on the project he was working on,

Jones found them this afternoon.

The only problem is, though, they were in Jeffrey's personal shorthand, but

Jones says in time he can decipher it.

As a matter of fact, he's over at Jeffrey's place working on them right

He says he should have the answer in just a few hours.

Come on, will you join us?

Yes, but give me some more of that.

Oh, well, we'll talk about it later, Frank. Drink your drink.

How could I know he made notes from that tape?

Well, you'll just have to get in touch with your friend and see they're

destroyed, won't you?

Have them take care of John's while you're at it.

Maybe you should reconsider, Lauren.

Maybe there's nothing incriminating in the notes.

Do as I tell you, Porter.

This time, see that it's final.

You are Barnaby Jones.

I don't recall that we were ever introduced, but we might have a mutual

acquaintance, Stacy Vernon.

Everybody's got a job to do.

He did a very professional one on him.

Shut up.

Back away.

of the staff.

There's no writing on here.

On the other paper.

You look comfortable down there. Why don't you stay right where you are?

All right, Mark. We'll take them here.

Would you mind telling me why you took a chance like that? You knew I had my men

closing in.

Well, I was afraid the long arm of the law had developed bursitis, and he

look like he was going to wait.

I think I recognize the face. Mr.

Trumbull, isn't it?

Read his rights.

Never mind that.

I don't speak to nobody until I see my lawyer.

Give him his rights, take him downtown, and book him.

They're all jailhouse lawyers these days.

Sorry, Barnaby. Looks like you struck out.

I wouldn't say that.

More like a foul tip.

Something's gone wrong.

You should have heard something by now.

Relax.

You set yourself a man as a professional.

He's as good as you say he is, Danny.

you, Mr. Sheffield?

Well, I really don't know. Just a second, Mr. Jones.

It's all right for her.

Well, come on in, won't you? Can I get you a glass of brandy?

No, thank you. I'd only planned to stay a few minutes.

What can I do for you?

Well, I thought you might be interested in some of the reading I was doing

tonight. It's very enlightening.

especially if you want to include that Trumbull fellow you had dropped in on

Trumbull? The only one named Trumbull?

Well, possibly he was a friend of Mr.

Long's. The police will decide that.

The police?

Yes, they should be here shortly. I thought it would be helpful to one of

you had this little talk first.

What are you driving at?

Well, one of you can get off on a charge of accessory, but I suspect that Mr.

Sheffield will choose that option because he has a history of letting his

help take his punishment for him.

You're fishing, Mr. Jones?

I don't think John Riley would say I'm fishing, not now.

I think you ought to have a talk with Mr. Riley, Mr.

Long. You might find you have a lot in common.

After all, you were the last person standing between Mr.

Sheffield and the...

Police, you may have to become the patsy for Mr. Terrence's death.

I didn't kill Terrence.

Well, what about Stacey Vernon?

Trumbull didn't do that by himself.

Be quiet, Porter.

Mr. Jones, if there are any charges to be filed against Porter, be advised he

will have the full weight of Sheffield Enterprises behind him.

That's very impressive.

You think you can stay afloat with that load on your back?

I'm not going to let you do to me what you did to Riley.

It's over.

Any deal I make from now on is for myself.

Can't say I'm really disappointed in you, Porter.

You're gone, Mr. Jones.

This isn't going to help you any, Mr. Sheffield.

Like Porter, you lack imagination.

You came here tonight because an attempt was made on your life by a man hired by

Porter Long.

Police will never believe that.

Well, I've never met Trumbull.

You hired him.

When Jones confronted you with it, you panicked.

You tried to kill Mr. Jones, and he was forced to shoot you with this gun.

But not before you got off a fatal shot yourself.

You're forgetting about Mr. Riley.

When the police look into Porter's motive, I'm sure Riley could be

reveal that it was Porter who killed Charlotte. Porter, over against the bar.

All right, wait a minute. Lauren.

I'll take the rap.

Whatever you want.

you're being sensible.

This is an emergency.

Get me the police.