Original subtitles

(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)

Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf.

Its crew: Dave Lister, the last human being alive;

Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate,

and a creature who evolved from the ship's cat. Message ends.

Additional. As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability

that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited,

hostile and meaningless universe.

Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?

(AUSTRALIAN WOMAN) Sit down, Brook. There's something I must tell you.

(AUSTRALIAN MAN) What is it, Kelly?

I wasn't with Simone that evening, Brook. I spent the night with Gary.

You're ex-husband, Gary, my business rival? What are you telling me, Kelly?!

I'm saying, Brook Jr...

What about Brook Jr.?

He isn't your android.

# Androids

# Everybody needs good androids

# Androids have feelings, too #

(ESPERANTO TEACHER) Mi esperas ke kiam vi venos la vetero estos milda.

Wait a minute! I know this one. Don't tell me, don't tell me, Don't tell me...

"I hope when you come the weather will be clement."

I hope when you come the weather will be clement.

Lister, don't tell me! I could have got that!

Bonvolu direkti min al kvinstela hotelo?

Ah! I remember this from last time.

"Please could you direct me to a five-star hotel."

Wrong, actually. Totally, utterly and completely wrong.

Please direct me to a five-star hotel.

Lister, will you shut up?

- I'm only helping ya. - I don't need any help.

La manĝo estis bonega! Plej korajn gratuloju al la kuiristo?

"I would like to purchase that orange inflatable beach ball

"and that small bucket and spade."

The meal was splendid.

My heartiest congratulations to the chef.

What? Pause.

Rimmer, you've been doing Esperanto for eight years.

How come you're so utterly useless?

Oh, speaks, and how many books have you read in your entire life?

The same number as Champion the Wonder Horse - zero!

I've read books.

Er, Lister, we're not talking about books where the main character is a dog called Ben.

- I went to art college! - You?

- Yeah. - How did YOU get into art college?

The normal way you get into art college, the same old usual, boring, normal way you get in.

- I failed me exams and applied. They snapped me up. - Ah, but you didn't get a degree... did you?

- No. I dropped out. I wasn't there long. - How long?

Ninety-seven minutes. I thought it was going to be a good skive and all that, y'know?

I took one look at the timetable and just checked out, man.

I mean, it was ridiculous. They had lectures, like, first thing in the afternoon!

We're talking half past twelve every day!

Who's together by then? You can still taste the toothpaste.

Well, unlike you, Lister, I have ambitions!

I'm not prepared to sit around all day polishing my spacebike,

so I can go joy-riding, through some asteroid belt, because I'm not a gimp!

And one of my ambitions is to learn another language so kindly let me get on with it. Play.

La menuo aspektas bonege. Mi provas la kokidaĵon.

Ah, now this I one I do know...

"The menu looks interesting. I think I'll try the chicken."

Holly, as the Esperantinos would say...

Bonvolu alsendi la pordiston, lausajne estas rano en meo bideo

And I think we all know what that means.

Yeah, it means, "Could you send for the hall porter. There's appears to be a frog in my bidet."

Is it, well what's that one about "Your father was a baboon's rump,

"and your mother spent most of her life up against walls with sailors."?

- I'm not telling you. - It's because you're bored, isn't it?

- That's why you're both annoying me. - I'm not bored, I've had a really busy morning

I've devised a system to totally revolutionise music.

- Get outta town! - Yeah, I've decimalised it.

Instead of the octave, it's the decative.

and I've invented two new notes, H and J.

Hang on a minute. You can't just invent new notes.

Well, I have.

Now it goes... # Doh, ray, me, fah, soh, lah, woh, boh, tee, doh

# Doh, tee, boh, woh, lah, soh, fah, me, ray, doh #

- What are you drivelling about? - "Hol Rock." It'll be whole new sound.

All the instruments will be extra big to incorporate my two new notes. Triangles will have four sides.

Piano keyboards the length of zebra crossings.

Of course, women will have to be banned from playing the cello.

- Holly... shut up! - Oh, I forgot. I haven't told you the news.

- What news? - A signal. We're getting a signal.

It's probably nothing, but I just thought I'd mention it.

- Aliens. - Oh, God. "Aliens"!

Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it?

You lose your keys - it's aliens.

A picture falls off the wall - it's aliens.

That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens as well.

We didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?

Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?!

Just cause they're aliens doesn't mean they don't have to visit the little boys' room.

Although they probably do something weird and alienesque,

like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.

Well, I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema!

Here, mousey, mousey!

I got some cheese!

I only wanna be your friend!

- Yo, Cat! - Huh?

We're getting a signal. Come on.

Aliens!

It's a distress call from a ship called the Nova 5. They've crash landed.

- I'm trying to establish contact. - Another ship? Brilliant!

- It's not aliens, then? - No, they're from Earth.

I hope they've got some spare odd and sods on board. We're a bit short on a few supplies.

- Like what? - Cow's milk.

Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.

- What kind of milk are we using now? - Emergency backup supply. We're on the dog's milk.

- Dog's milk?! - Nothing wrong with dog's milk.

Full of goodness, full of vitamins... full of marrowbone jelly.

Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.

- Why? - No bugger'd drink it.

Plus of course, the advantage of dog's milk is when it goes off, it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.

Why didn't you tell me, Holly?

What? And spoil your tea?

- Hang about. We've got contact. - Punch it up.

Thank goodness! My name's Kryten.

I'm the service mechanoid about the Nova 5. We've had a terrible accident.

The male officers died on impact.

The female officers are injured, but stable. Please help us.

Is that female as in soft and squidgy?

- How many? - Three.

Miss Jane, Miss Tracy and Miss Anne. I'm transmitting medical details.

Tell them we're coming aboard! By God, we'll rescue these fair blooms,

or my name's not Captain AJ Rimmer, Space Adventurer!

- Thank you, Captain. - "Space Adventurer"?!

What am I supposed to say? "Fear not, I'm the bloke who used to clean the gunk out of the chicken soup machine!"

"Actually, we know sod all about space travel,

"but if you've got a blocked nozzle, we're your lads!"

- That'll fill them with confidence, won't it? - How far are we away, Hol?

- About 24 hours. - What? Only 24 hours?

I'd better start gettin' ready!

# Twenty four hours... # Aow! First in the shower room! Ha-ha-ha!

Hey, I'm so excited, all six of my nipples are tinglin'!

What's wrong with him? We're on a mission of mercy!

We're taking them urgently needed medical supplies. We're not on the pull.

Yo!

No, we're not on the pull, are we, Lister? Look at you. Absolutely pathetic!

You're really trying aren't you? You're wearing all your least smeggy things.

I don't know what you're talking about.

That T-shirt, Lister, with only two curry stains on the front,

you only wear that on special occasions.

You're toffed up to the nines, laddie!

What about you? You look like Clive of India,

or the one whose mum uses new biological Biz!

Oh, it's started! I knew it would!

- What has? - The put-downs.

It's always the same when we meet girls. Put me down, and make yourself look good.

- Like when? - Remember those little brunettes from Supplies?

And I told them I worked in Stores, and they were really interested and asked me exactly what I did there

- And I said you were a shelf! - Exactly.

And then I suggested a little trip to Titan Zoo,

and you said, "Ooh, he's taking you to meet his mum already!"

- So? They laughed. - Yes, at me. At my expense.

Just don't put me down when we meet them.

OK. What do you want me to say? How do you want me to act?

I don't know, just act with respect. For a start, don't call me Rimmer.

Why not?

You always put the emphasis on "Rim" in Rimmer. Makes me sound like a lavatory disinfectant.

Well what do you want me to call you, 'Rimere'?

I don't know, erm, "Arnie", "Arn".

Something with a bit more... I don't know... How about "Big Man"?

"Big Man"?

- Or how about the nickname I had at school? - What, "Bonehead"?

- How did you know my nickname was Bonehead? - I was only guessing.

- I didn't mean that. I meant the other one. - What other one?

"Ace".

Get outta town! Your nickname was never "Ace". Maybe "Acehole".

It WAS my nickname at school, actually.

It's just no one ever called me it despite the many times I let them beat me up.

What are you trying to say to me, Rimmer?

- I'm trying to say build me up, don't put me down. - Like?

Like... if the opportunity occurs, and it crops up naturally in conversation,

you could perhaps mention that I'm very brave.

- Do what?! - Don't go ape.

Just sort of mention, perhaps, that... I died,

and that I was pretty incredibly brave about it.

I mean, you know, perhaps you could mention hints that I've had tons of girlfriends?

Alright, forget it! It was just an idea. Ah, you're not wearing those boots are you?

- What's wrong with them? - Oh, they just don't go, not with that lot.

I know, you should wear your Day-Glo orange moon boots.

- You said they were disgusting. - Ooh no, very chic.

You said they smelled like an orang-utan's posing pouch.

They set off one of those dangerous chemical alarms. You made me put them in the airlock.

No, that was a mistake they really look terrific on you. I'd wear them.

- Honest? - Definitely.

Come along, everybody!

They're here. They're in orbit!

(GASPS) Miss Jane!

What about your hair?

What a mess you look.

Now, smart but casual.

Miss Anne, why, you haven't touched your soup.

No wonder you're beginning to look so pasty.

Oh, no!

Do eat nicely, Miss Anne!

What on earth will the visitors think if they see you eating like that, hmm?

Now, Miss Tracey...

No... You look absolutely perfect.

- What's that smell? - I can't smell anything.

Are you ok? Your eyes are watering.

It's the excitement. Look, we can't wait for Cat. Let's just go.

Come on. He's been preparing for a day and a night. Don't you want to see the result?

Aow! Wait for me!

Hi, monkeys! Meet the plastic surgeon's nightmare!

- A spacesuit with cufflinks?! - Where did you get the helmet?

I made it myself. I didn't want to mess up my hair. Hee-hee.

Hey, listen we just gonna make sure we don't pass any mirrors, 'cause if we do, I'm there for the day!

(SNIFFS) Phew! What's that smell?

All right? Everybody ready? Let's go, then.

- What are you doing, Holly? - What? What's wrong?

- The rug, man! Why are you wearing a toupee? - What toupee?

- The one on your head. - Whose head's that then?

- Your head. It makes you look like a game show host. - What's wrong with everyone?

Three million years without a woman and you act as if you're all 14 years old.

- Oh, yeah? What about you and the socks? - What socks?

- Come on, we can't hang about... - You're wearing two pairs of socks.

- What for? - One pair to put on his feet,

and the other pair to roll up and put down his trousers.

Come in, come in. How lovely to meet you.

Ĉarmita! And what a delightful craft you have.

- Reminds me of my first command. - This way, please.

(WHISPERS) Ace, Ace.

- Hey, you're a work of art, baby! - (LISTER) Psst!

You're gonna have to help me, man!

Thank you!

I'm so excited! We all are.

The girls could hardly stop themselves from jumping up and down!

Ah! Ĉarmita, ĉarmita!

Ah! Vi parolas esperanton, Kapitano Rimmer?

- Come again? - "You speak Esperanto, Captain Rimmer"?

Oh! Si, si, si! Jawohl! Oui!

Well, here they are.

Ĉarmita!

Well... It's a bit difficult to know what to say...

Isn't it, Ace?

Well, isn't anybody going to say hello?

I think the blonde one's giving you the eye.

Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted.

I'll just go and fix some tea.

- Hi, baby! - I don't believe this.

Be strong, Big Man.

Our first contact with intelligent life in three million and two years,

and it's the android version of Norman Bates.

Come on, guys! So, they're a little on the skinny side?

Listen, girls. I don't know whether this is the time or place to say this

but my mate Ace here, is incredibly, credibly brave.

Smeg off, dogfood face.

- And he's got just tons and tons of girlfriends! - I'm warning you, Lister.

Is anything the matter?

Anything the matter? They're dead!

Really, who's dead?

THEY are dead! They're all dead!

My God!

I was only away two minutes!

They've been dead for centuries!

- No... - Yes!

Are you a doctor?

You've only got to look at them! They've got less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget!

What am I going to do? I'm- I'm- I'm programmed to serve them.

- I think the first thing we should do is bury them. - You're that sure they're dead?

- Yes! - What about this one?

Er, there's a simple test.

All right, girls, hands up those of you who are alive.

Well, what am I going to do?

I can't leave them! Mr David, please, please, take me back!

Oh, Kryten, you've got to start a new life now.

I haven't got the software to cope with this.

I was created to serve. I serve, therefore I am.

It's my purpose to serve and have no regard for myself.

- You're beginning to sound like my mum. - It's all I know.

You've got to change, haven't ya? You've gotta work out what you want.

Stop being everyone's smeggin' doormat.

That's easy for you to say, Mr David. You're a human.

Only just.

Ah, Kryten! Nothing to do, eh? Follow me.

What the smeggin' hell is going on?

- Good afternoon, Mr David, sir. - What are these?

- Your boxer shorts, Mr David, sir. - No way are these my boxer shorts. These bend!

- What have you done to the place? - I've done a spot of tidying up.

But, where is everything? Where's me coffee cup with the mould in it?

- I threw it away, sir. - But, I was breeding that mould!

His name was Albert! I was trying to get him two foot high!

- Why, sir? - Because it drives Rimmer nuts.

And driving Rimmer nuts is what keeps me going.

- I'm sorry, Mr David, sir. - Look at you.

- What are you doing? Why are you doing all this? - Serving makes me happy, sir.

But what about you? Don't you ever want to do anything just for yourself?

Myself? Hu-huh. That's a bit of a barmy notion, if you don't mind my saying so, sir!

Come on. There must be something you look forward to.

Androids.

# Androids

# Everybody needs good androids... #

- That stupid soap opera? Why? - Because, for half an hour a week. I can forget I'm me.

Androids. What else?

- Being asleep. - Androids and being asleep?

Sounds like a crazy, fun-packed life you lead there, Kryten, me old son!

I have strange thoughts when I'm asleep.

- Yeah, they're called dreams. - My favourite is that, I'm in a garden.

I've never even seen a garden, except in books.

And I've planted everything and made it grow.

It's my garden, and there's no one there but me,

just me and all the things I made live.

Silly...

No, it isn't. Find a planet with an atmosphere and do it.

I can't. I'm programmed to serve.

But there's no one to serve now, Kryten. That's the point.

What about Mr Arnold? I've got to complete Mr Arnold's tasks.

You what?! Rimmer gave you all this?

Well, Mr Arnold is my master now.

"Mr Arnold" isn't his name. His name's "Rimmer"...

or "Smeghead"...

or "Dinosaur Breath", or "Molecule Mind".

And on a very rare occasion, when you wanna be, like really mega-polite to him, Kryten.

We're talking mega-polite. In those exceptional circumstances...

you can call him "Arsehole".

(CAT) Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I think it'll be best on that wall, sort of dominating the room.

- Yes, Mr Arnold, sir. - "Yes Mr Arnold, sir!"

- You're a total gwenlan, do you know that, Kryten? - Oh, yes, Mr David, sir.

- "Yes Mr David, sir!" - Leave it alone, Lister.

- It enjoys doing the tasks I give it. It makes it happy. - Drop dead, Rimmer.

- Already have done. - Encore.

You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a cat return a stick?

"Hey, man, you threw the stick, you go get it yourself. I'm busy!

"If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you throw it away in the first place?"

Kryten, you got never got a thing from those movies I showed you, did ya?

- Er, what movies? - Mr David was kind enough to take me to see 'The Wild Ones',

'Easy Rider' and 'Rebel Without A Cause'.

I thought it might do him some good. Fat chance.

In the middle of Marlon Brando's rebel speech,

he gets out a brush-a-matic and starts doing my lapels!

Well, now maybe you'll learn, Lister. There's a natural order to things in life.

Some give orders, others obey.

That's the way it's always been, that's the way it's always going to be. Isn't that true, Kryten?

- Oh, yes, Mr Arnold, sir. - Oh, "Yes, Mr Arnold", what's the point?

- Well, I've finished, Mr Arnold, sir. - Excellent, Kryten!

I think it's rather good, Mr Arnold. Don't you, sir?

- WHAT are you doing?! - I, erm... I think I'm, er...

I'm rebelling.

- Rebelling? - I- I-, er... sort of...

I think that's what I'm doing.

You... are rebelling?

Yes.

What are you rebelling against?

(AS MARLON BRANDO) Whaddya got, hmm?

Dinosaur breath!

Molecule mind!

Smeg-for-brains!

- I need your bike! - You got it!

Swivel on it, punk!

# It's cold outside

# There's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #