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(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)
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Three million years from Earth,
the mining ship Red Dwarf.
3
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Its crew: Dave Lister,
the last human being alive;
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Arnold Rimmer, a hologram
of his dead bunkmate,
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and a creature who evolved
from the ship's cat. Message ends.
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Additional. As the days go by,
we face the increasing inevitability
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that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited,
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hostile and meaningless universe.
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Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?
10
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(AUSTRALIAN WOMAN) Sit down, Brook.
There's something I must tell you.
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(AUSTRALIAN MAN) What is it, Kelly?
12
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I wasn't with Simone that evening, Brook.
I spent the night with Gary.
13
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You're ex-husband, Gary, my business rival?
What are you telling me, Kelly?!
14
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I'm saying, Brook Jr...
15
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What about Brook Jr.?
16
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He isn't your android.
17
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# Androids
18
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# Everybody needs good androids
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# Androids have feelings, too #
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(ESPERANTO TEACHER) Mi esperas ke kiam vi venos la vetero estos milda.
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Wait a minute! I know this one. Don't tell me, don't tell me, Don't tell me...
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"I hope when you come the weather will be clement."
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I hope when you come the weather will be clement.
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Lister, don't tell me! I could have got that!
25
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,900
Bonvolu direkti min al kvinstela hotelo?
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Ah! I remember this from last time.
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"Please could you direct me to a five-star hotel."
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Wrong, actually. Totally, utterly
and completely wrong.
29
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Please direct me to a five-star hotel.
30
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Lister, will you shut up?
31
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- I'm only helping ya.
- I don't need any help.
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La manĝo estis bonega! Plej korajn gratuloju al la kuiristo?
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"I would like to purchase that orange inflatable beach ball
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"and that small bucket and spade."
35
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The meal was splendid.
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My heartiest congratulations to the chef.
37
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What? Pause.
38
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Rimmer, you've been doing Esperanto for eight years.
39
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How come you're so utterly useless?
40
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:53,394
Oh, speaks, and how many books
have you read in your entire life?
41
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The same number as Champion
the Wonder Horse - zero!
42
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I've read books.
43
00:03:58,260 --> 00:04:02,320
Er, Lister, we're not talking about books
where the main character is a dog called Ben.
44
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,336
- I went to art college!
- You?
45
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- Yeah.
- How did YOU get into art college?
46
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The normal way you get into art college, the
same old usual, boring, normal way you get in.
47
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- I failed me exams and applied. They snapped me up.
- Ah, but you didn't get a degree... did you?
48
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,714
- No. I dropped out. I wasn't there long.
- How long?
49
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Ninety-seven minutes.
I thought it was going to be a good skive and all that, y'know?
50
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:28,429
I took one look at the timetable
and just checked out, man.
51
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I mean, it was ridiculous. They had lectures,
like, first thing in the afternoon!
52
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We're talking half past twelve every day!
53
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Who's together by then?
You can still taste the toothpaste.
54
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Well, unlike you, Lister, I have ambitions!
55
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I'm not prepared to sit around all day
polishing my spacebike,
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00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:49,239
so I can go joy-riding, through some
asteroid belt, because I'm not a gimp!
57
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:53,712
And one of my ambitions is to learn another
language so kindly let me get on with it. Play.
58
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La menuo aspektas bonege. Mi provas la kokidaĵon.
59
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Ah, now this I one I do know...
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"The menu looks interesting. I think I'll try the chicken."
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00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,951
Holly, as the Esperantinos would say...
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00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:14,256
Bonvolu alsendi la pordiston,
lausajne estas rano en meo bideo
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00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,954
And I think we all know what that means.
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Yeah, it means, "Could you send for the hall porter.
There's appears to be a frog in my bidet."
65
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Is it, well what's that one about "Your father was a baboon's rump,
66
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"and your mother spent most of her life up against walls with sailors."?
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- I'm not telling you.
- It's because you're bored, isn't it?
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- That's why you're both annoying me.
- I'm not bored, I've had a really busy morning
69
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:39,353
I've devised a system to totally revolutionise music.
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- Get outta town!
- Yeah, I've decimalised it.
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00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,279
Instead of the octave, it's the decative.
72
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and I've invented two new notes, H and J.
73
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Hang on a minute. You can't just invent new notes.
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Well, I have.
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Now it goes...
# Doh, ray, me, fah, soh, lah, woh, boh, tee, doh
76
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# Doh, tee, boh, woh,
lah, soh, fah, me, ray, doh #
77
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- What are you drivelling about?
- "Hol Rock." It'll be whole new sound.
78
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All the instruments will be extra big to incorporate
my two new notes. Triangles will have four sides.
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00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:17,914
Piano keyboards the length of zebra crossings.
80
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:21,516
Of course, women will have to
be banned from playing the cello.
81
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:26,629
- Holly... shut up!
- Oh, I forgot. I haven't told you the news.
82
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- What news?
- A signal. We're getting a signal.
83
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It's probably nothing, but I just thought I'd mention it.
84
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- Aliens.
- Oh, God. "Aliens"!
85
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Your explanation for anything
slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it?
86
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You lose your keys - it's aliens.
87
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A picture falls off the wall - it's aliens.
88
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That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens as well.
89
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We didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?
90
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Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?!
91
00:06:56,160 --> 00:07:01,234
Just cause they're aliens doesn't mean
they don't have to visit the little boys' room.
92
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:03,755
Although they probably do something weird and alienesque,
93
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:06,912
like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.
94
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:11,676
Well, I wouldn't like to be stuck
behind one in a cinema!
95
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,150
Here, mousey, mousey!
96
00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,231
I got some cheese!
97
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I only wanna be your friend!
98
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:22,511
- Yo, Cat!
- Huh?
99
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We're getting a signal. Come on.
100
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Aliens!
101
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It's a distress call from a ship
called the Nova 5. They've crash landed.
102
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- I'm trying to establish contact.
- Another ship? Brilliant!
103
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- It's not aliens, then?
- No, they're from Earth.
104
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I hope they've got some spare odd and sods on board.
We're a bit short on a few supplies.
105
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,516
- Like what?
- Cow's milk.
106
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Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.
107
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:56,116
- What kind of milk are we using now?
- Emergency backup supply. We're on the dog's milk.
108
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,274
- Dog's milk?!
- Nothing wrong with dog's milk.
109
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:07,194
Full of goodness, full of vitamins...
full of marrowbone jelly.
110
00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:11,149
Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.
111
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- Why?
- No bugger'd drink it.
112
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Plus of course, the advantage of dog's milk is when it
goes off, it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.
113
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Why didn't you tell me, Holly?
114
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What? And spoil your tea?
115
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- Hang about. We've got contact.
- Punch it up.
116
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,796
Thank goodness! My name's Kryten.
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I'm the service mechanoid about the Nova 5.
We've had a terrible accident.
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The male officers died on impact.
119
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The female officers are injured,
but stable. Please help us.
120
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:48,999
Is that female as in soft and squidgy?
121
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- How many?
- Three.
122
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Miss Jane, Miss Tracy and Miss Anne.
I'm transmitting medical details.
123
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:05,752
Tell them we're coming aboard! By God, we'll rescue these fair blooms,
124
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:09,674
or my name's not Captain AJ Rimmer,
Space Adventurer!
125
00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,798
- Thank you, Captain.
- "Space Adventurer"?!
126
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:18,080
What am I supposed to say? "Fear not, I'm the bloke who
used to clean the gunk out of the chicken soup machine!"
127
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,834
"Actually, we know sod all about space travel,
128
00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:24,470
"but if you've got a blocked nozzle,
we're your lads!"
129
00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:27,552
- That'll fill them with confidence, won't it?
- How far are we away, Hol?
130
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:30,758
- About 24 hours.
- What? Only 24 hours?
131
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I'd better start gettin' ready!
132
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:37,511
# Twenty four hours... #
Aow! First in the shower room! Ha-ha-ha!
133
00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:41,917
Hey, I'm so excited, all six of my nipples are tinglin'!
134
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:46,875
What's wrong with him?
We're on a mission of mercy!
135
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:51,636
We're taking them urgently needed medical supplies.
We're not on the pull.
136
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,078
Yo!
137
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:10,673
No, we're not on the pull, are we, Lister?
Look at you. Absolutely pathetic!
138
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,752
You're really trying aren't you? You're
wearing all your least smeggy things.
139
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,195
I don't know what you're talking about.
140
00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:19,591
That T-shirt, Lister, with only two curry stains on the front,
141
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,035
you only wear that on special occasions.
142
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:25,431
You're toffed up to the nines, laddie!
143
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:29,229
What about you? You look like Clive of India,
144
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:32,711
or the one whose mum uses new biological Biz!
145
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,394
Oh, it's started! I knew it would!
146
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:37,471
- What has?
- The put-downs.
147
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:41,758
It's always the same when we meet girls.
Put me down, and make yourself look good.
148
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:44,116
- Like when?
- Remember those little brunettes from Supplies?
149
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:48,831
And I told them I worked in Stores, and they were
really interested and asked me exactly what I did there
150
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:51,992
- And I said you were a shelf!
- Exactly.
151
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,720
And then I suggested a little trip to Titan Zoo,
152
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:58,953
and you said, "Ooh, he's taking you
to meet his mum already!"
153
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:02,112
- So? They laughed.
- Yes, at me. At my expense.
154
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:04,207
Just don't put me down
when we meet them.
155
00:12:04,231 --> 00:12:07,400
OK. What do you want me to
say? How do you want me to act?
156
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,941
I don't know, just act with respect.
For a start, don't call me Rimmer.
157
00:12:10,965 --> 00:12:12,111
Why not?
158
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:17,115
You always put the emphasis on "Rim" in Rimmer.
Makes me sound like a lavatory disinfectant.
159
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,794
Well what do you want me to call you, 'Rimere'?
160
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:23,589
I don't know, erm, "Arnie", "Arn".
161
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:28,311
Something with a bit more...
I don't know... How about "Big Man"?
162
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,551
"Big Man"?
163
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:35,473
- Or how about the nickname I had at school?
- What, "Bonehead"?
164
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:40,869
- How did you know my nickname was Bonehead?
- I was only guessing.
165
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,634
- I didn't mean that. I meant the other one.
- What other one?
166
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,114
"Ace".
167
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:51,832
Get outta town! Your nickname was never "Ace".
Maybe "Acehole".
168
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,432
It WAS my nickname at school, actually.
169
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,797
It's just no one ever called me it despite
the many times I let them beat me up.
170
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,110
What are you trying to say to me, Rimmer?
171
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:06,319
- I'm trying to say build me up, don't put me down.
- Like?
172
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:10,553
Like... if the opportunity occurs,
and it crops up naturally in conversation,
173
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:13,758
you could perhaps mention that I'm very brave.
174
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,070
- Do what?!
- Don't go ape.
175
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,437
Just sort of mention, perhaps, that... I died,
176
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:22,956
and that I was pretty incredibly brave about it.
177
00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:27,113
I mean, you know, perhaps you could mention
hints that I've had tons of girlfriends?
178
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:33,717
Alright, forget it! It was just an idea.
Ah, you're not wearing those boots are you?
179
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:37,111
- What's wrong with them?
- Oh, they just don't go, not with that lot.
180
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,511
I know, you should wear
your Day-Glo orange moon boots.
181
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,592
- You said they were disgusting.
- Ooh no, very chic.
182
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:48,638
You said they smelled
like an orang-utan's posing pouch.
183
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:54,159
They set off one of those dangerous chemical
alarms. You made me put them in the airlock.
184
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:57,039
No, that was a mistake they really
look terrific on you. I'd wear them.
185
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,350
- Honest?
- Definitely.
186
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,629
Come along, everybody!
187
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:13,910
They're here. They're in orbit!
188
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:18,755
(GASPS) Miss Jane!
189
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,111
What about your hair?
190
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,350
What a mess you look.
191
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:28,511
Now, smart but casual.
192
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:40,556
Miss Anne, why, you haven't touched your soup.
193
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:44,156
No wonder you're beginning to look so pasty.
194
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,231
Oh, no!
195
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,914
Do eat nicely, Miss Anne!
196
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:53,949
What on earth will the visitors think
if they see you eating like that, hmm?
197
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:57,432
Now, Miss Tracey...
198
00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:01,869
No... You look absolutely perfect.
199
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:12,750
- What's that smell?
- I can't smell anything.
200
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,036
Are you ok? Your eyes are watering.
201
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:19,114
It's the excitement.
Look, we can't wait for Cat. Let's just go.
202
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:22,318
Come on. He's been preparing for a day and
a night. Don't you want to see the result?
203
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:29,155
Aow! Wait for me!
204
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:39,949
Hi, monkeys! Meet the plastic surgeon's nightmare!
205
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:44,591
- A spacesuit with cufflinks?!
- Where did you get the helmet?
206
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:47,593
I made it myself. I didn't want
to mess up my hair. Hee-hee.
207
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:54,753
Hey, listen we just gonna make sure we don't pass
any mirrors, 'cause if we do, I'm there for the day!
208
00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:57,275
(SNIFFS) Phew! What's that smell?
209
00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,954
All right? Everybody ready? Let's go, then.
210
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:04,193
- What are you doing, Holly?
- What? What's wrong?
211
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:08,069
- The rug, man! Why are you wearing a toupee?
- What toupee?
212
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:10,954
- The one on your head.
- Whose head's that then?
213
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:15,113
- Your head. It makes you look like a game show host.
- What's wrong with everyone?
214
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:19,159
Three million years without a woman and
you act as if you're all 14 years old.
215
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:22,437
- Oh, yeah? What about you and the socks?
- What socks?
216
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:25,751
- Come on, we can't hang about...
- You're wearing two pairs of socks.
217
00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:28,275
- What for?
- One pair to put on his feet,
218
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:30,476
and the other pair to roll up and put down his trousers.
219
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:53,195
Come in, come in. How lovely to meet you.
220
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:57,396
Ĉarmita! And what a delightful craft you have.
221
00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:01,189
- Reminds me of my first command.
- This way, please.
222
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:04,633
(WHISPERS) Ace, Ace.
223
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:16,475
- Hey, you're a work of art, baby!
- (LISTER) Psst!
224
00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:20,480
You're gonna have to help me, man!
225
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:24,753
Thank you!
226
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,630
I'm so excited! We all are.
227
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:31,156
The girls could hardly stop themselves from jumping up and down!
228
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:32,799
Ah! Ĉarmita, ĉarmita!
229
00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:35,633
Ah! Vi parolas esperanton, Kapitano Rimmer?
230
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:39,395
- Come again?
- "You speak Esperanto, Captain Rimmer"?
231
00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:42,438
Oh! Si, si, si! Jawohl! Oui!
232
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:48,510
Well, here they are.
233
00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:51,231
Ĉarmita!
234
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:03,031
Well... It's a bit difficult to know what to say...
235
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:05,111
Isn't it, Ace?
236
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:08,795
Well, isn't anybody going to say hello?
237
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,911
I think the blonde one's giving you the eye.
238
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:16,231
Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted.
239
00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:19,631
I'll just go and fix some tea.
240
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:23,356
- Hi, baby!
- I don't believe this.
241
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:25,431
Be strong, Big Man.
242
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:28,990
Our first contact with intelligent life in three million and two years,
243
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:31,230
and it's the android version of Norman Bates.
244
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:34,950
Come on, guys! So, they're a little on the skinny side?
245
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:39,193
Listen, girls. I don't know whether
this is the time or place to say this
246
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,920
but my mate Ace here, is incredibly, credibly brave.
247
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:47,871
Smeg off, dogfood face.
248
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:53,911
- And he's got just tons and tons of girlfriends!
- I'm warning you, Lister.
249
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,431
Is anything the matter?
250
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:09,513
Anything the matter? They're dead!
251
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,955
Really, who's dead?
252
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:14,793
THEY are dead! They're all dead!
253
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,113
My God!
254
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:22,078
I was only away two minutes!
255
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:28,080
They've been dead for centuries!
256
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:30,399
- No...
- Yes!
257
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,911
Are you a doctor?
258
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:39,630
You've only got to look at them! They've got
less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget!
259
00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:47,358
What am I going to do?
I'm- I'm- I'm programmed to serve them.
260
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:53,072
- I think the first thing we should do is bury them.
- You're that sure they're dead?
261
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:56,551
- Yes!
- What about this one?
262
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,950
Er, there's a simple test.
263
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:03,477
All right, girls, hands up
those of you who are alive.
264
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:12,080
Well, what am I going to do?
265
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:21,796
I can't leave them!
Mr David, please, please, take me back!
266
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:24,440
Oh, Kryten, you've got to start a new life now.
267
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:27,956
I haven't got the software to cope with this.
268
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:31,635
I was created to serve. I serve, therefore I am.
269
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:34,951
It's my purpose to serve
and have no regard for myself.
270
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:39,113
- You're beginning to sound like my mum.
- It's all I know.
271
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:42,318
You've got to change, haven't ya? You've gotta work out what you want.
272
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,391
Stop being everyone's smeggin' doormat.
273
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:47,552
That's easy for you to say, Mr David. You're a human.
274
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:49,631
Only just.
275
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:57,357
Ah, Kryten! Nothing to do, eh? Follow me.
276
00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:48,836
What the smeggin' hell is going on?
277
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:51,992
- Good afternoon, Mr David, sir.
- What are these?
278
00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:57,678
- Your boxer shorts, Mr David, sir.
- No way are these my boxer shorts. These bend!
279
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:03,999
- What have you done to the place?
- I've done a spot of tidying up.
280
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:09,837
But, where is everything?
Where's me coffee cup with the mould in it?
281
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:13,675
- I threw it away, sir.
- But, I was breeding that mould!
282
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:18,834
His name was Albert! I was trying
to get him two foot high!
283
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:22,311
- Why, sir?
- Because it drives Rimmer nuts.
284
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:25,392
And driving Rimmer nuts
is what keeps me going.
285
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,916
- I'm sorry, Mr David, sir.
- Look at you.
286
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:32,880
- What are you doing? Why are you doing all this?
- Serving makes me happy, sir.
287
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,032
But what about you? Don't you ever want to do anything just for yourself?
288
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:41,991
Myself? Hu-huh. That's a bit of a barmy notion,
if you don't mind my saying so, sir!
289
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,913
Come on. There must be
something you look forward to.
290
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:49,957
Androids.
291
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,358
# Androids
292
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,598
# Everybody needs good androids... #
293
00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:03,233
- That stupid soap opera? Why?
- Because, for half an hour a week. I can forget I'm me.
294
00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:06,119
Androids. What else?
295
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:09,591
- Being asleep.
- Androids and being asleep?
296
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:14,993
Sounds like a crazy, fun-packed life
you lead there, Kryten, me old son!
297
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:17,913
I have strange thoughts when I'm asleep.
298
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:22,915
- Yeah, they're called dreams.
- My favourite is that, I'm in a garden.
299
00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:27,874
I've never even seen a garden, except in books.
300
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:31,635
And I've planted everything and made it grow.
301
00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:35,600
It's my garden,
and there's no one there but me,
302
00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:38,513
just me and all the things I made live.
303
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:41,398
Silly...
304
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:45,314
No, it isn't. Find a planet with an atmosphere and do it.
305
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:48,753
I can't. I'm programmed to serve.
306
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:51,958
But there's no one to serve
now, Kryten. That's the point.
307
00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:56,750
What about Mr Arnold?
I've got to complete Mr Arnold's tasks.
308
00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:01,232
You what?! Rimmer gave you all this?
309
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:04,039
Well, Mr Arnold is my master now.
310
00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:07,351
"Mr Arnold" isn't his name.
His name's "Rimmer"...
311
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:09,431
or "Smeghead"...
312
00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:12,717
or "Dinosaur Breath", or "Molecule Mind".
313
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:16,716
And on a very rare occasion, when you wanna
be, like really mega-polite to him, Kryten.
314
00:24:16,740 --> 00:24:19,399
We're talking mega-polite.
In those exceptional circumstances...
315
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:22,199
you can call him "Arsehole".
316
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:45,117
(CAT) Yeah, yeah, yeah!
317
00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:55,230
I think it'll be best on that wall,
sort of dominating the room.
318
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:58,438
- Yes, Mr Arnold, sir.
- "Yes Mr Arnold, sir!"
319
00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:01,717
- You're a total gwenlan, do you know that, Kryten?
- Oh, yes, Mr David, sir.
320
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:05,077
- "Yes Mr David, sir!"
- Leave it alone, Lister.
321
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:09,233
- It enjoys doing the tasks I give it. It makes it happy.
- Drop dead, Rimmer.
322
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:11,436
- Already have done.
- Encore.
323
00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:16,799
You'd never get a cat to be a servant.
You ever see a cat return a stick?
324
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:22,080
"Hey, man, you threw the stick,
you go get it yourself. I'm busy!
325
00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:26,358
"If you wanted the stick so bad,
why'd you throw it away in the first place?"
326
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:29,239
Kryten, you got never got a thing from those movies I showed you, did ya?
327
00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:33,553
- Er, what movies?
- Mr David was kind enough to take me to see 'The Wild Ones',
328
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,678
'Easy Rider' and 'Rebel Without A Cause'.
329
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:40,276
I thought it might do him some good. Fat chance.
330
00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:42,351
In the middle of Marlon Brando's rebel speech,
331
00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:46,354
he gets out a brush-a-matic
and starts doing my lapels!
332
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:50,877
Well, now maybe you'll learn, Lister.
There's a natural order to things in life.
333
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:52,951
Some give orders, others obey.
334
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:57,398
That's the way it's always been,
that's the way it's always going to be. Isn't that true, Kryten?
335
00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:01,075
- Oh, yes, Mr Arnold, sir.
- Oh, "Yes, Mr Arnold", what's the point?
336
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:06,394
- Well, I've finished, Mr Arnold, sir.
- Excellent, Kryten!
337
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:16,153
I think it's rather good, Mr Arnold. Don't you, sir?
338
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:22,430
- WHAT are you doing?!
- I, erm... I think I'm, er...
339
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,591
I'm rebelling.
340
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:28,393
- Rebelling?
- I- I-, er... sort of...
341
00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:31,871
I think that's what I'm doing.
342
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,511
You... are rebelling?
343
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,199
Yes.
344
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:39,077
What are you rebelling against?
345
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:46,356
(AS MARLON BRANDO) Whaddya got, hmm?
346
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,191
Dinosaur breath!
347
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:56,916
Molecule mind!
348
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:05,716
Smeg-for-brains!
349
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:10,596
- I need your bike!
- You got it!
350
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,991
Swivel on it, punk!
351
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:27,998
# It's cold outside
352
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:29,878
# There's no kind of atmosphere
353
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:33,316
# I'm all alone, more or less
354
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,518
# Let me fly far away from here
355
00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:39,353
# Fun, fun, fun
356
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:42,956
# In the sun, sun, sun
357
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:46,396
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
358
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:49,757
# Drinking fresh mango juice
359
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:53,117
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
360
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:55,874
# Fun, fun, fun
361
00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:59,635
# In the sun, sun, sun
362
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:02,394
# Fun, fun, fun
363
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:06,553
# In the sun, sun, sun #
30369
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