All language subtitles for the_jeselnik_offensive_s02e08_nick_kroll_and_john_mulaney

to the season finale of The Jeselnik
Offensive.

I'm your host, Anthony Jeselnik. We've
got an amazing show for you tonight.

SNL, we've got John Mulaney.

And from The Kroll Show, we've got Nick
Kroll.

But first, it's been a killer week.

Louis Gerstner III, the son of a former
IBM CEO, died last week when he choked

while eating a steak dinner in a
restaurant.

Gerstner leaves behind a wife, two
children, and most of his garlic mashed

potatoes.

Now, everyone's talking about this. Dr.

Phil caused controversy last week when
he tweeted, if a girl is drunk, is it

okay to have sex with her?

Even worse, later he tweeted, it wasn't
okay.

Now this is scary.

Robbers in Nevada posed as Mormon
missionaries to get into a man's house,

about religion for five minutes, then
beat him up. The victim is okay, but

that next time, he'd prefer they skip
straight to the beating.

Now this is interesting.

New research reveals that one in ten car
accidents is caused by drivers whose

flip -flops get caught underneath the
brake pedal.

This, according to the Center for the
Study of Matthew McConaughey.

Now, I don't know what to think about
this one. A self -proclaimed ghostbuster

was arrested in China after he charged a
woman $3 ,000 to remove a ghost from

her vagina using his penis.

After detectives unraveled the scheme,
it turns out the ghost was the old

caretaker's penis the whole time.

Jinkies.

And finally, former New England patriot
Aaron Hernandez was formally indicted

for murder last week. Hernandez appeared
in court wearing an orange prison

jumpsuit, or as he calls it, his away
uniform.

And that was a great monologue. Let's
see what God thinks about it.

Anthony, that was a great monologue.

Now, by round of applause, who here is
good at math?

Exactly. But you're not dumb.

Counting is hard.

So tonight, I'm here to give you the
basics in a new game we call How Many

Things, where we find out how many
things there are.

Tonight's thing, rape.

Because fictional rape often goes
unreported.

So tonight, we're blowing the whistle on
some of your favorite books, movies,

and TV shows.

Let's see what our contestants will be
playing for tonight.

All right, let's have our first
contestant come on up here.

How are you doing?

Now, what is your name? Hunter.

Hunter. What do you do, Hunter? I'm a
film student, and I make burritos.

You're a film student, and you make
burritos? Yeah.

Always nice to meet a pothead.

Okay, Hunter.

Everybody loves Harry Potter, right?
Yeah. Seven books, eight movies. We all

know that.

But how many rape?

I'm going to go two rapes. Two rapes?

Oh, no means no.

The answer, Hunter, is one. In Harry
Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, the

character Dolores Umbridge is dragged
into the woods and punished by a gang of

centaurs. Rough stuff, but what are you
going to do?

Kids love magic.

Thanks for playing and holding pop
culture accountable.

Let's welcome our next contestant on up
here.

How you doing, man? How you doing? Good,
man. Good. Thanks for playing.

Now, what's your name? Tom.

Tom. And what do you do, Tom? I'm a dog
trainer.

A dog trainer?

Yep. What are you training to do? Brush
your hair at night?

I do. I mean, I got a lot of it. You
know, you got to do that. Yeah.

Now, we've all seen the classic comedy
Revenge of the Nerds. I'm sure you've

seen it more than once.

A refreshing take on the timeless
battle, snobs versus slobs. Which brings

my question, how many raped?

Three and a half. Three and a half?

Sorry, the correct answer is one. The
hero of Revenge of the Nerds only rapes

one woman.

But still... What the... Where are... I
thought I lost that.

Oh, man.

You're like, only one rape, I'm out of
here. I wanted three and a half, man.

ginger needs three and a half rapes.
Sorry.

Don't ever refer to yourself as a
ginger.

But thanks for playing and helping us
highlight irresponsible pop culture.

Let's bring up our next contestant.

Thanks for playing.

Now, what is your name?

Stan. Stan. And what do you do, Stan?
I'm a legal assistant.

You're a legal assistant?

Really? Because you look like a stunt
double for the Big Bang Theory.

Now, Stan, tell me.

Now, tell me, Stan, have you ever read
the Bible?

Well, who the hell has it?

But it's got important information in
it, like whether or not it's okay to be

gay, and the unbelievable value of 30
pieces of filth.

But the question remains, Dan, how many
rapes? How many rapes in the Bible?

46? 46?

Sorry, I was looking for 409.

409. rapes in the Bible, which is why
old ladies love that damn book. It's

steamy. It's steamy. Thank you for
playing, Stan.

Thanks to everyone for playing. And
remember, rape is always bad, no matter

many. We'll be right back with John
Mulaney and Nick Kroll.

Welcome back.

Ask not what your panel can do for
panel. Ask what you can panel for your

It's time for panel.

Please welcome from the specials on
Comedy Central and SNL, it's John

And from Kroll Show on Comedy Central
and The League on FX, it's Nick Kroll.

Thank you. Great to see you guys.

Great to have you guys on my show again.

Great to be here, Tony.

So excited, Tony. So excited, Anthony.
So proud of how far you've come, Tony.

So proud of you, Anthony.

Everyone back in Pittsburgh is so proud
of you, Anthony.

Jesus Christ, we're so proud of you.

When are you coming home? When are you
going to come back? When are you coming

back? When are you coming back and
visit?

You too good for Pittsburgh? When are
you coming back to St.

Dominic's? Talk to the kids about how
you made good.

Great impression of the worst.

Now, John, last time you were here, you
were shooting a pilot for NBC.

Whatever happened with that? Fuck you.

Say it again, because they didn't hear
it on the left.

Are you directing the show?

Yeah, camera two, camera two.

Now, Nick, you've got a pilot for NBC.

Yeah. What's that about?

It's about me sort of trying to figure
out how to be a good person while

quitting drinking.

What's it called? It's called Mulaney.

Zing, bro.

Yeah, it's gonna be good.

Let's get right into it with the best
worst thing of the week.

Let's troll. A Muslim group is causing
controversy after choosing September

as the date for its Million Muslim
March, in which Muslims will gather in

Washington to protest against religious
profiling.

For a preview of the Million Muslim
March, check out CNN to see what's going

in Egypt right now.

Someone should explain to them that
September 11th was the same day as the

attacks in 2001, so it's kind of a
sensitive date for us. I think you're

to do that.

They'll be really embarrassed. They'll
be like, oh, we had no idea. We just

asked for the first available Monday,
and this is what happened.

Dude, we are so sorry.

Imagine a million Muslims saying that at
once. Dude, we are so sorry.

I don't think that's in their
vocabulary.

Yeah.

They don't say dude.

They don't say dude.

I think the lesson learned from 9 -11,
regardless of the march or anything, is

show up late to work.

Do you guys think this will be safe?

I think it's going to be safe, but this
is my impression of the Lincoln

Memorial. when it's happening, okay?

You want to see my impression of the
Washington Monument?

Look at my dick!

That was more my impression of Aziz, I'm
sorry.

I'm catering that march. Did you know
that? I did not know. I'm catering it. I

think it's because they hired me because
of the name of my catering company.

What is it? Million Muslim Catering.

That's a smart name.

It turned out to be.

For years, it was a real, it really hurt
sales.

Moving on.

Now it's time for Damn Nature. You
scary.

Meet bears in your area. Bear attack.
are on the rise with seven people

in four days across the country.

As a result, hikers are being asked to
travel in groups of three, or as bears

call it, buffet style.

I want to start a business called Bad
News Bears.

And the basic idea is that, like,
hulking gay men come and deliver bad

news to you.

So guys come in and be like...

Your son has cancer.

You're like, oh, that's terrible news,
but you're wearing jean shorts, so that

makes it a little easier.

The problem is, I think, you know, you
hear that you're supposed to play dead

when you see a bear, but you can't just
lay on the ground. You have to be really

convincing about it. Like, when I'm in
the woods and I see a bear, I really get

into the whole death thing. Like, I
shave my head, and then I pull the

up, and I hold hands.

I hold hands with a Jamaican nurse and a
rabbi, and it was just like, there's

just a lot of love in the room. And the
bear, he just starts, like, watching,

because he's kind of in awe of the whole
scene.

And then someone turns on a boombox, and
we hear a boy cementing, it's so hard

to say goodbye to yesterday.

And people get up and speak, and they're
like, when I think of John, I think of

a leader.

And then the bear, by that point, is
caught up in the funeral, and people are

like, did you know him? And he's like, I
didn't, but I have a great respect for

him. And just when the bear is signing
that book they have at wakes, where

you're right, I was here at the wake,
you know, then I sneak out.

And I go, sayonara, bear.

You know what's going to be amazing?

Is when one day you were killed by a
bear.

And they showed it.

Now, the problem here is that none of us
are bear experts, right? Are you a bear

expert, John?

No.

You just dabble?

Yeah, just dabble. Nick, bear expert,
yes or no? More of a hobby.

Yeah.

So let's have bear expert and star of
Yogi Bear 3D, TJ Miller, come on here

tell us what's what.

like genuine applause.

You know, Anthony, I worked with real
bears.

And I'll tell you, bears will recycle
their urination during

hibernation.

The Latin word for bear is ursa, which
means bear.

Over 100 bears are killed on Florida
roadways each year.

Is it the fault of the drunk drivers in
Florida?

Or that most people in Florida look like
bears?

Uh -oh. What was that, T .J.? Oh, my
God. Wolverine claws? No, T .J. Oh, wow.

This is how I protect myself from bears!

A bear's chasing you. Run downhill.

I say run uphill and fuck.

It's more panel.

Welcome back.

Faster than a paneling panel.

More panel than a loco panel.

Able to panel tall panels in a single
panel. It's more panel.

Let's move on to not buying it. When
couches are outlawed, Only outlaws will

have couches. A company called Couch
Bunker is selling a $7 ,000 bulletproof

couch that can secretly store up to 40
rifles under its cushions.

It's such a dumb idea. 40 guns?

Where am I going to keep my other gun?

Bulletproof doesn't mean that it's
filled with guns.

But you know what does mean it's filled
with guns? What? The picture.

What does it matter if the couch is
bulletproof? Like, if you're sitting on

couch, look, it makes no sense.

You're like, I have 40 guns. That's
great. Okay. Now I'm sitting on the

Now you come in. You have one gun, maybe
two bullets. I'm facing you. You shoot

me. The bullet goes through my very non
-bulletproof skin.

And then, like, fine, maybe the couch
behind me is okay.

I just think it's a silly product.

I'm just waiting for them to come out
with a slingshot love scene.

Well, I think this is a great idea if
you think that not enough kids die while

looking for change in the sofa.

I honestly don't think enough do.

No. We're all on the same page here.

Occasionally an allergic one will find a
peanut, but you can't ask. You can't

count on that.

It's not even a good -looking couch.

I'll tell you what's dangerous, that
electric blue.

Now, do you guys own guns? If so, why?
And if not, why are you such pussies?

I own a number of guns.

Yeah? Name one of them. What kind of
guns do you own? I got Tim Gunn.

You got Tim Gunn.

In your cell phone. Yeah, yeah.

Tim Gunn slept over on the sofa bed.

Nick calls me. He goes, get over here
quick. We fold him up, stuff him into

sofa. But now you can hear him muffled
through the cushion.

Yeah. Very good work.

Now. Do you have a gun?

No, I do not. People probably try to
kill you, right, because of your joke?

Constantly. Constantly.

So, yeah, you should carry a piece.

I don't. I got one move.

What's that? I call it the Patrick
Swayze Roadhouse.

Rip their throat clean out.

And I do Tai Chi.

You know what would help with that?
What's that?

Them Wolverine things.

Wolverine clothes.

I don't do props, bro.

What about that t -shirt and blazer
combo?

What are you talking about?

I'm sitting here next to Carlton from
the Fresh Prince of Bel -Air.

And Professor Plum.

And now, draw your baby, then quarter
it. Keep defending your tweet.

You tweet it, now I'm going to read it
and make you defend it in front of all

these people.

John. Yes.

On February 5th, you tweeted, you can
substitute Madea for media in most gun

control articles, and they still make a
good deal of sense.

John, defend your tweet.

This tweet is great because it is
topical, it is political, it is edgy, it

current, it is light, and it taps into
the Madea, a .k .a. urban market.

Great defense.

Nick, on March 30th, you tweeted,
hashtag, my reply to I love you, new

who did?

You know, I think it's a real funny
joke.

I think, you know, I'm participating in
the hashtag trending thing, which is

something I don't tend to do. And I feel
like I dipped my toe into that pool and

the water was nice.

Great defenses, both of you.

Thank you,

Anthony. May we say the defense rests?

You may not, but thank you both for
being here. It was a real pleasure.

you.

and season two of Crow Show returns to
Comedy Central early next year. We'll be

right back with more show.

Thanks again to John Mulaney and Nick
Kroll, and a special thank you to T .J.

Miller and Steve Agee. Also, check out
anthonyjesselnick .com to get tickets to

my new fall tour. We'll see you next
year.

Before I go, let's take a look back at
the best moments from tonight's show.

Jenna, would you make me the happiest
man in the world?

Oh, Anthony, yes.

Great.

Swallow these condoms full of heroin.

Meet me at this address in Houston.

And don't take a dump until I see you
again.

And now it's time to play Let's Diss
Scientology.

Nick, you're first.

Man, what a bunch of evil space weirdo
lunatics who try to control everything

Hollywood.

I don't know. I found that the church
does quite a bit of good.

Yeah, I actually know some really cool
Scientologists.

Goodnight, kids.

Go read a book.

There have been three seasons of Game of
Thrones so far. But how many rapes?

Like a million?

Like a million.

Sorry, I was looking for six.

Six. When winter's coming, just lie back
and try to enjoy it.