All language subtitles for its.always.sunny.in.philadelphia.s17e04.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab_track3_[eng]

[Frank]
Just have a seat right there.
Would you like a drink or...

- [person] No.
- No?

How about
a fresh glass of water?

I have to just go back and
gather myself with my buddies

- before we start this. Okay?
- Okay.

- Right. Good.
- But we are on the clock.

Oh, yeah.
And for the record, you know,

you might want to jot down
how well you're being treated

at this professional
establishment.

- Frank, get over here.
- Is she from the newspaper?

We are in big trouble.

We gotta come up with
a statement for this reporter.

- She's gonna butcher us.
- Yeah, this is bad.

Why don't we play dumb?
Why do we have to
come up with a statement?

Because they found
500 gallons of baby oil
dumped in the Schuylkill River.

Wait. Dee might be right,
'cause they can't actually
prove that that was us.

Well, the 200 Paddy's pub
T-shirts floating around in it

- aren't exactly
helping our case, pal.
- Yeah, not helping.

This is a good thing.
This could be our Paddy's-gate.

- Okay, there you go.
- No, but gates aren't
a good thing.

I mean, Pizzagate, Watergate.

- Nipplegate. Nipplegate.
- Nipplegate.

Janet Jackson's career
was never the same.

You're right, what happened--

- Some things
you gotta keep covered up.
- Based off that. Yeah.

- We've gotta come up with
a statement.
- Guys, guys, guys, guys!

We can handle this.

I mean this is why we went
to that corporate retreat
in Idaho.

- [Charlie] Hmm.
- Right, right.

We didn't go to the retreat
so much as watched clips
of it on YouTube,

but, you know,
you're right, Mac.

Normally a situation like this
would have me clawing
all your faces off.

But I'm not gonna do that.
I'm gonna utilize my words.

I do see your hand
is still in a bit of a claw.

Yeah, I was ready to pounce.

I had it hidden behind my head.
I was ready...

- Yeah, I hid it behind my leg.
- I had a feeling.

- Should we un...
- No, let's all unclaw
our hands.

- Right? Because that
was the old way.
- [Charlie] Yeah, yeah.

This is the new way, right?

We've got the tools
from the corporate retreat.

- We've got the vocabulary.
- [Charlie] Yeah.

We've got
these awesome fleece vests
inspired by the retreat.

- Oh, my God, I love the fleece.
- God, I love these vests.

You can let it all go
under here.

I appreciate you
springing for that, Frank.
Thank you very much.

So, listen,
we can handle this unpleasantry

with the grace and elegance
of any major corporation

by utilizing a little
thought leadership and
simply talking this thing out.

[dramatic music playing]

[music ends]

First and foremost,
the business must be
protected at all times.

- [Charlie] Yeah.
- [Dee] Yes.

The business is infinitely
more important than
any individual.

Yes, we are, of course,
a family, but human emotion
notwithstanding,

I would be remiss
not to mention that
we are a business first,

and as a business,
we must behave as such.

So I would like to posit,
respectfully, of course,
that we put forth an offering.

Yes, a lamb if you will.

No, I would say, uh,
that lamb right now
could be tender and delicious,

but we have
kind of bigger issues
that we're dealing with

that we need to discuss,

and maybe,
you know, eating lamb
is not the best thing.

- Momentarily speaking.
- Thank you for that, Charlie,

but of course I'm speaking of
a sacrificial lamb.

- Ah!
- Maybe we need to

walk through
the series of events

of the incident to figure out
who the fall guy should be,

and I would like to
respectfully point out
that the phrase is fall "guy."

Thank you for pointing out
that gender inequity, Dee.

And, henceforth,
let's refer to that position

- as "fall person."
- [Dee] Mmm.

Or we could circle back
to, uh, animal-related,
uh, conversations.

We could consider "fall fish,"
uh, or "scapefish"
or even "fall bird,"

and then we're back to Dee.

Oh, gosh,
I'm so sorry guys, but, um,

but my hand is so
tightly clenched into a claw.

- [Charlie] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [Frank] Same.

- I'm feeling the claw again.
- [Frank] Same.

All right,
so why don't we do this?

Let's all take a deep breath
before we continue
this conversation.

Unclaw our hands.

[all inhale deeply, exhale]

I think Dee is right.

I think we got to take
this mess from the beginning
to find out how we got here.

- Uh-huh.
- [Dennis] Find out
who's really to blame.

Now, as you recall,

it all started
several weeks ago...

[Charlie] Whoa!

[Dennis] ...when Frank
found that jug out back.

- [Frank mumbles]
- Yo, let me blow on that.

No, you make sounds when you
bang on it, not blow on it.

- No, you blow on it.
- No, no. Yeah, yeah.

- It sounds different
when you put water...
- [blows into bottle]

- But it's gonna be
much deeper, like--
- No, no, no. He's right.

- You don't blow on it--
- If you blow on it
like that, it gets--

- You turn it upside-down--
- [blows into bottle]

- You don't bang on it--
- [all clamoring]

[Dennis] That led to
a vigorous debate, which
in turn led to vigorous clawing

until we decided to
stop fighting and, you know,
simply get our own jugs.

Annoyingly, however, the jugs
were filled with fluid.

What are we supposed to do
with all this fluid?

Uh... Yeah,
can't really play them
as an instrument until we...

- Oh.
- Yeah, that's a problem.

We could... w-wash
the bar with it.

Uh, you don't wanna wash
the bar with a...
with a water-based liquid.

- [Frank] Make a fire and...
- Plants love that.

- Make a fire and put water...
- Make a fire and put it out.

What are you talking about?
We're not gonna make a fire.

- Well, if we start a fire--
- Why would we start a fire?

So we... so we have a reason
to use all this liquid.

[Dennis] After an hour-long
argument about the best way
to dispose of the fluid,

we caved
and decided the best way
to make the jugs empty

was to simply drink the water.

Now if I'm braising something,
is that a way
to cook something,

or is that shellacking it?

Like, am I putting sauce on it?

[Dennis] The inadvertent effect
of the watercooler

was not just hydration,
but conversation.

Is it about the sauce
or the cooking technique
or both?

- It's about the crisping.
- About both.

[Dennis] The water tank
became a think tank
for business scaffolding,

as well as
recent health initiatives and,
you know, general interest.

Well, now I've taken to using
baby oil almost exclusively
when I get out of the shower.

You know, I-I don't know
if you guys know this,

but you can actually put
a tablespoon of baby oil
in your coffee in the morning

and it resets the pH balance
of your gut biome.

You drink it?

You know,
if you're gonna dump stuff,
the best place is the ocean.

I mean, you know, in a pinch,
you go to a lake or a river,

but you wanna
get rid of something,
ocean is the only way to go.

Dennis, how do they get
the oil out of the baby?

Do they have to mash
the babies up or grind them?

Is it babies that are sick
and dying already,
or what is the oil--

Don't be an idiot, Charlie.
The babies are alive.

They just wring them out
like an old rag.

The Cybertruck is by far
the coolest piece of machinery

that the space nerd
has ever made. Right?

- [Dennis] Absolutely.
- I love that truck.

I'm furious that all cars
don't look like that.

Dude, totally.
You know what it is?

It delivers on the promise
of the future from our youth.

- Yes.
- Right?

We thought all cars
were going to look like that
back in the day.

Hard lines, sharp corners,
DeLorean-like materials.

Yeah, you know,
it's the transportation fitting
of a Terminator.

- Totally a Terminator.
- [exhales] Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, it's like
a rhombus on wheels.

- Right, right. Absolutely.
- That's right.

[Dennis] We were firing
on all cylinders,

but things took a most
exciting turn when one
particular topic was raised.

Gentlemen, what are
your thoughts on slap fighting?

Slap fighting?
I'm not aware of this.

Oh. Well, let me tell you.

Just like the Cybertruck is
the future of transportation,

slap fighting is the future
of dispute mitigation.

[all slurping water]

[Dennis]
And, my God, was he right.
We had to try our hand at it.

- The Egyptians,
they like the cats.
- Yeah. They like them.

I know, but it's a...
it's a cat-based society,
you know what I mean?

Yeah, but I understand that.
But--

- The cats are
a huge part of their thing.
- They like the cats.

[Dennis] Everybody loved it.
We swapped out the clawing
for slapping.

I mean, we were using it
to-to-to settle arguments.

We were using it to end
the day, to start the day,

- to say goodbye,
to say hello...
- [cheering]

...to celebrate, to mourn,
everything, you know.

- But then Mac had
a business idea.
- [all laughing]

Gentlemen, let's discuss
professional slap fighting.

[foreboding music playing]

[Dennis] We were all slapped
across the proverbial cheeks
with this venture.

- Oh, shit.
- [all clamoring]

Take your shirts off, though.

[all] Whoa!

[Dennis] It was
his hand-face-based
business venture

that led to the off-lining
of certain corporate assets

into various aquatic bodies.

So, Mac is clearly the
prime candidate to fall on the
metaphorical sword here. Yes?

- Yeah. Sounds good.
- Sure. Well, yeah.
That adds up, right?

Mm-hmm. That does seem to be
the proper mathing. Yes.

Yeah, I do...
I do hear you guys on this.

As long as we're outside of
the earshot of this reporter,

I'd like to add, you can
stick this line of logic
up your various assholes.

Hmm.

- All right,
that's harsher language...
- [Dennis] Interesting point.

...than I thought we were
allowed to use here, but...

Also Dennis is leaving out
a core friction point.

[Mac]
Things were going smoothly

until Dennis pointed out that
the whole thing
sorely lacked eroticism.

Slaps and profits have gone up.

- That's great.
- Uh-huh.

But chick saturation
has gone down.

- That's not good.
- Uh-uh.

The whole thing
is sorely lacking eroticism.

- The data is alarming.
- [Frank] Yeah.

- Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
- Well, let's fix that.

- Go on.
- Yeah, yeah.

He pitched something with
the eroticism of mud wrestling

and the aggression of
a Cybertruck.

The world
just has not delivered

on the future
that we were promised
when we were growing up.

We were promised mud wrestling.
We were promised
wet T-shirt contests.

We were promised women
going wild.

At a certain point, we stopped
women from going wild.

Why did we do that?

- They wanna go wild.
- They should go wild.

They want to go wild.
Let's let them go wild.

They're too dry,
and so they don't feel wild.

Yeah, exactly.
Guys, let's get back to
our core values.

Th-There is an underserved
market for one-on-one
erotic sport competition

between scantily-clad,
oiled-up women.

[Mac] He proposed
pivoting away from dudes

and investing all of
our resources more heavily
into women and baby oil.

[all] Whoa!

This is why Dennis's head
must roll. I compliment him
on the innovation,

but the idea was
a little chunky,
if I'm being honest.

My personal distaste
for women aside,

I think you crapped the bed
on the execution.

We were over-leveraged
in the baby oil department

and subsequential
environmental what-have-yous

from the off-lining
have left us
in this particular situation.

Which is why I nominate Dennis.
Right time, right skull.

- I like it. I like it.
- I gotta say I'm impressed.

You know, you're coming at me
open-kimono here,

and I appreciate that,
so kudos, you know.

But I do think we need to
helicopter up, stretch
the vantage point a little bit.

I think we need to chew on
the key protein here,

- which I believe to be Dee.
- [Mac] Mmm.

With the women slappers
in the bar, we were thriving,

but we weren't quite reaching
the erotic escape velocity
that I was hoping for.

I mean... [stuttering]
...really, all it is

is there's one lingering
problem with the women.

- What? They're ugly.
- They're ugly.

- I didn't wanna say it,
but they are ugly.
- Yeah.

They're a bit gruff,
aren't they?

The big issue for me is
you can't put baby oil on
any of these women, you know.

They'll bite you.

I had one almost
bend my arm completely in half.

- I tried to put baby oil
on her and she--
- I got pinned by her too, man.

Yeah, yeah. So you know,
like, chick saturation is up.
That's good.

- But the attractive/oil
saturation...
- [Charlie] It's way down, yeah.

- [Dennis blows raspberry]
It's way down.
- Way down. Why is that?

So, we need to find a way
to lure in hotter women.

Yeah, that's all it is.
You know what I mean?

Anybody got any ideas?

Back in the day
when we were taking down
all the aluminum siding,

what are we gonna do
with all that asbestos
that was left?

- We dumped it
in the Schuylkill.
- Oh, you did?

- Yeah.
- [Dennis] Okay.

But in order to get 'em
to do it, we lured 'em in
with a Cadillac.

[Charlie] Oh!

That's what you gotta do
with the women.

- You think we get
these gals a Cadillac...
- Yeah!

...and we say, you know,
"You win a slap fight,
you get a Cadillac"?

- Everybody needs money.
- Wait.

I know exactly
what we should do.

Oh! I was thinking
the same thing.

[clicks tongue] I doubt it.

- [all] Oh!

Look at this thing.
Oh, man. Frank, baby,
this is quite the prize.

- Yeah.
- [Dennis] Nicely done, Frank.

- [chuckling] Yeah.
- Wow.

- Look at
the hard angles on this.
- Yeah.

It's beautiful, man.

[Dennis]
The Cybertruck lured in
a much sexier talent pool.

We were really excited
about the quality of slapper,

but there was one
that stood out
above all the others.

I mean, we couldn't
take our eyes off her.

I can't wait to see
the headlights on her.

- Yeah!
- [chuckles] Yeah.

Yeah. Well, and you
never will see 'em, Frank.

Because there's only
one single headlight.

- [Charlie]
It's a single headlight, yeah.
- [Frank] Oh.

[Dennis]
We couldn't give her away.
We had to have her.

It wasn't long before
we came up with a plan
to retain her for ourselves.

We would just have to win
the slap contest, you know.

We needed a ringer,
someone to tear through
these waifish models

and ensure the truck
would remain in our portfolio.

Figure something out though.

What are you guys doing?

[Frank] Huh?

["Peer Gynt Suite No. 1 -
In the Hall of
the Mountain King" playing]

[sighs]

- [music intensifies]
- [all] Oh!

[Dee shouting]

[Dennis chuckles] Dee was
tearing through girls

like a paper shredder
through company records.

And we knew she would,
as I had explained it
with a graph.

The lower the self-esteem,
the harder the slap.
And Dee could take a hit too.

Right? Years of getting
slapped around by Frank, right?

- [both chuckling]
- [Dee] Yeah.

Those were the days.

- Oh, yeah. Better times.
- If say so, buddy.
If you say so.

[Dennis] She had it all,
and she delivered
slap after slap.

Sexy women,
aggressive violence,
futuristic trucks.

Everything was going
according to plan.
Till Dee got knocked out.

- [all gasping]
- [music ends]

Dee, I thank you
for your service.
I love you like a sister.

Well, I am your sister.

Well, you know,
familial ties notwithstanding.

Uh, I think you kinda drained
the kettle on that one.

And, hey, you know, no offense,

but I think you've
proven yourself to be
pretty good at taking a fall.

[Dennis, Dee chuckling]

Guys, I know things
are getting hot, okay?

But I think we're styling
the wrong mannequin here.

I would have won
that competition

if it wasn't for
our associate deviating
from the business plan,

and that would be Charlie.

Oh. Uh... Wow.

[Dee] He fell back on
some old bad habits.

[Charlie chuckling] Fool.

[grunts]

- [person screams]
- [laughing] What's up?

- What's going on?
New car? I like it.
- Oh, God.

- Okay. What is this?
Why are you here?
- Pretty sweet. Is that a Geo?

Well, I got
a business opportunity for you.

Oh, a business opportunity?

- Yeah. Check this out.
- Oh, good.

- Yeah, you're gonna like this.
- Great. I bet.

We're doing these oiled-up
slap fights in the bar.

Oiled-up slap fights?

Yeah, we're oiling girls and
they're slapping each other.

- You're oiling girls up?
- Yeah.

So I could oil you or you
could oil yourself, but...

Did you come here to ask me
if I want to get oiled by you?

- Are you stalking me again?
- Yeah.

Stalking? Whoa. Since when
did I ever stalk you?
No, that's not my thing.

- Flirting, maybe. But...
- Okay.

Hey, look,
you don't have to do it,

but I will say that the winner
of the thing is gonna get
a free truck,

but I suppose
you like this car better,
you know. [scoffs]

You're giving away a truck?

A Cybertruck.

Mmm.

Little did he know that
she wasn't just driving
that crappy car,

she was living in it.

[orchestral music plays]

[Dee] The allure
of the Cybertruck

and a lifetime of petty misery
suffered by this woman

rendered her unstoppable.

- [all cheering]
- Yeah. Okay. Who's next?

Uh... Hey. I got an idea,
all right?

W-What if
you and I get a little
side pot going, right?

You and me, we... we tone down
on the slaps, we call it a tie,

and that way
we can share the Cyber--

[screams]

[crowd gasping]

[laughing in slow motion]

[The Waitress] Yeah!

I was sucker-punched.

- [scoffs] No.
- [Mac] No.

- Mm-mmm.
- In your dreams.

No. You were looking
right at her.

She slapped the shit out of me,
but I wasn't ready.

[stammers] It was uncalled for
and it wasn't fair.

[Dee] To make matters worse,
Frank reversed course

and refused to make her whole.

What do you mean
I don't get the truck?

- It's all in the terms
and conditions.
- What?

Look.
"Cybertruck not included."
Can you read?

- Oh, my God!
- Can you read?

- What?
- Oh, my God.

- Screw you.
Screw you guys so hard!
- In plain writing.

- Oh, I'm taking this public.
For this.
- Don't you dare.

[Dee] Needless to say,
she was pissed, and she
promised to go public.

And let's face it, we didn't
have permits for any of this.

Which led to the panic
and dumping of assets

to erase the trail
of corporate culture and
create plausible deniability.

I'm gonna call the newspaper.

As the crow flies here,
I think we could all see
from a bird's-eye view

that had Charlie
not invited the Waitress,
none of this would've happened.

So Charlie
should take the fall.

And I would say
all due respect,
but I don't respect you.

It's true, Charlie. We may have
reached our inflection point.

Okay, great.
Yeah, that's all good. Yeah.

And I-I'm hearing you guys,
you know, ear-wise.

And, um, you know, mouth-wise,
uh, you're giving me
various wordables,

uh, that are adding up
to thoughts.

This is good. I see how
you're trying to clip my wings
so that I can fly.

That's not how birds work.
That makes them "un-fly."

Okay. I did not know that
you were the bird expert.

But I would like to pivot here,
you know, before I fall
on the sword,

and say that I was also using
my eyeballs this entire time
for various observables.

Because I realized...
[clears throat]
...that Frank was, you know,

growing in hardness
as the eroticism
in the bar was increasing.

And, uh, he was
becoming as hard as
a Cybertruck himself,

you know, which you could see.

Cheese, of course,
is also on this graph.

- Just keep going.
- [Charlie] Uh, moving past.

Well, the main thing here is
that I think we now have
our open-sliced lamb.

You know, open commando person.

- What?
- What are you saying?

I'm saying
it should be Frank, man.

Because he was throwing
an orgy in the basement
the entire time.

- What?
- [Charlie] Yes.

I realized Frank
was trying to capitalize on
the erotic environment

and pivot into a more
orgasmic business model, right?

[Charlie] And I noticed
various unsavory investors
were paying Frank

to try to get in on
the ground floor.

Dear God.
Damn, you are not good at this.

I'm tryna say
dudes were paying Frank
to go into the basement.

- [Dee] Mm-hmm.
- Right.

And he was failing
in his efforts to poach talent
from the slapping pool.

Ooh. I like those straps,
and I can't wait to see it off.
Let's go downstairs.

And I knew this 'cause chicks
were slapping him constantly.

But then I saw him
trying to headhunt for
new key players in this thing.

Yo, baby. I need a prostitute.

[Charlie] But he was
running up against
some logistical hurdles.

Well, when's she coming back
from The Bahamas?

[Charlie] So, the slap fighting
and the basement full of men.

The whole thing was just
a big red flag. He had a target
on his back and whatnot.

So, when The Waitress got
all pissed off she wasn't
gonna get a Cybertruck,

and the police were potentially
going to get involved,
Frank panicked.

He was worried about the orgy,

which led to the dumping into
the Schuylkills and whatnot.

And so that is why
he is the person that...
that should take this fall.

Um, also, there's still
a bunch of dudes
in the basement.

- Uh... What? Right now?
- What?

Yeah, there's, like,
guys down there now.

- Dude.
- Right? How many
are down there?

- Eleven. Eleven.
Eleven's the answer.
- Eleven dudes in the basement.

- The reporter
could see all this.
- Yeah, one could come up.

- It could be an issue for us.
- Oh, shit.

We got to figure out
what we're gonna do
and get her out of here.

I agree with Charlie.
I think Frank should take
the fall for the whole thing.

- Well, that's insane.
- You drove a Cybertruck
into the river.

I didn't know. I thought
it was an aquatic vehicle.

- It's an environmental
nightmare.
- It should be, but it's not.

If anything, it looks like
it goes into space.

- Yeah, it should be
but it's not.
- The liberal press

is going to crucify us.

I gotta come clean.

I think the truck is ugly.

Damn it. I knew you
were gonna say that.
I knew she was gonna say that.

Stupid. You're stupid.
I call bullshit on that.

All right. Enough, enough.

I've had enough with the charts
and the maps and the graphs.

It's clear you're all
good foot soldiers,
loyal servants and whatnot.

But it's time we connect
the Legos here and boil down
to our core values.

Yes, hammer down on
our brand identity
and come out open commando.

- I said the commando thing.
- Didn't make sense
the first time.

I thought it was...
It sounded cool
and I want to circle back.

- If you're doing it
'cause it's cool...
- Okay. I got a plan,

and this is it.

Okay. Here we go.

[Dee sighs]

Um, ma'am, we are finally ready
to make our statement.

Yeah, yeah.

[Dee sighs]

No comment.

That said,
we are no longer gonna drink,
serve, or have anything to do

- that represents water.
- Yeah.

- Water is not the cornerstone
of our company.
- Mm-mmm.

And we will hereby,
uh, be getting rid of
the watercooler.

- Gone.
- Gone.

Excuse me, I-I'm not sure
what you're talking about.

Sorry.
We got on talking like this
when we started over-hydrating.

Yeah, we watchedé\
a couple YouTube clips
about a corporate retreat.

Got some water, got hydrated.

So, we're not gonna talk
about that subject anymore.

- [Dee] No more water.
- No comment is
the main thing, right?

- Yeah. What I said
in the beginning.
- Yeah. And no water.

I'm sorry,
do you think I'm a reporter?

Yeah.

No. I'm here for the orgy.

Oh. Oh.

Good. Great. Great.

Oh. Hey, guys,
the whore is here.

[people cheering]

- [Frank] I was waiting for you.
- [Charlie]
I told you guys, man.

- That's one woman.
- Yeah.

Yeah. T-That's not an orgy.
That's a...

- No. No.
- That's a gangbang.

- [Dee] No. No.
- That's a gangbang, yeah.

We really should
find a way to exit Frank.

[dramatic music plays]