Original subtitles

latest victim came in five minutes ago 19 year old female works at nacho ball

close winner the nice one the close one take a look i should warn you

she's trashy wow she's

a real mess i can hear you i hear you too tell me what

happened

I just finished my shift at Nacho Ball.

Someone better be dead.

Victim's over here, Cap.

The victim? The victim's right here.

Six feet tall, sweats diesel, poops bravery, and is missing the new Battle

movie right now.

Oh, I saw that last night. The ending is... Don't tell me, don't tell me.

I've been looking forward to this movie for a while.

Yes. Yes, I have. Yes, I have. Every time I try to see it, some stupid

commits some stupid crime, then I have to leave the theater, and honestly, what

does a cop in this town actually do?

Yeah,

anyway, this is Mandy.

Wow, she's a real mess.

Yeah.

I mean, yikes, right? What happened to her?

How's it going?

I had just finished my shift at the close nacho ball.

Gross.

And as I was leaving, I was minding my own business.

Littering. Or this man.

Or a woman.

Or a woman.

No. It was a guy.

Okay. He came out of nowhere.

And he was wearing this mask that looked like a smiley face emoji. And he said

that his name is Mr. Nice Guy. And then littering.

Well, he's not wrong. It's not great.

And then he superglued my litter all over me.

There's a trash can, like, right there.

Okay, can you deal with this, please, so I can go see my movie? I mean, can you

handle this? Do I need to be here? Do I need to be here? No problem. No problem,

McDonald's. Thanks.

There's another victim coming in.

Bad luck, bad luck, bad luck, big dog.

Somebody get me out of here!

Please! Somebody get me out of this thing!

Please!

Mitch Pilski? Don't care.

I said somebody get me out of here!

Can you tell us what happened to you?

Well, I just finished loading my groceries into my no -emissions electric

vehicle. You know, because I care about the planet.

Do your part. Do your part. I'm doing it. I'm doing it with you.

We got one planet, you know? It's all we got.

Anyway.

I was minding my own business, leaving my shopping cart in the middle of the

parking lot, when all of a sudden this guy just... Oh, or girl. Or girl.

No, it was a guy.

Okay.

He called himself Mr. Nice Guy.

And he said I should always put things back where I got them.

Again, he's not wrong. Yeah, you should always return your shopping cart.

Oh, rude.

Yeah, rude.

That's what Mr. Nice Guy said.

And then he said he was going to teach me a lesson.

And so he put me in my shopping cart, and then he welded another one on top of

me!

We should go back to the man cave and dig into this. Yeah, the next showing of

battle pigs is going to start for another two hours. Oh, dude, you haven't

battle pigs yet?

No, I haven't seen battle pigs yet. Because every time I try to... Oh, do

like it when hog walks? No, don't tell me!

It's a little extreme.

He's fine.

This is the security cam footage of the grocery store and the alley behind a

toast nacho bar. Good, good. Schwoz, did the police send you a sketch of Mr.

Nice Guy yet? They're trying to, but they're using an outdated form of

technology that sends information over regular phone lines.

But that's even slower than email.

Facts.

You're reading that book of slang words I gave you.

No, they're sending the sketch via facts.

Facts machine.

Oh. But, y 'all, that book is lit, fam.

Ah, that book's lit!

Did you get to the part where they're talking about... I got him!

You got him?

Did you figure out who Mr. Nice Guy is?

No.

Uh, there was one guy online who was willing to sell his ticket to the 5 p

showing in the new Battle Pigs movie, and I got him.

Right. So, see you at the movies.

What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What, what, what?

Dude, we can't go to the movies. We're in the middle of a crime spree.

no, no, no, no. It takes three crimes to make a spree. We only have two so far,

so that's just a crime spurt.

And a little spurt?

Don't hurt. See you at the movie.

Get out of my way! I'm going to the movie!

What is it?

Kill it!

Kill it!

Stop!

What's in your mouth?

Is that your phone?

The police sketch is coming in.

I was minding my own business, talking really loudly on my cell phone when this

guy grabbed it and shoved it in my mouth.

Three. Three. That's three cries. Three. Spree.

Spurt. Spree.

Spurt. Spree. Spurt.

Spree, Larson. Spurt, Reynolds.

Spree, you know it. I know nothing.

How are you texting?

With my tongue.

Respect.

Guys, got the police sketch from the first two victims.

This is Mr. Nice Guy.

Did he do this to you?

Spree.

I wanted an after school job, but then an indestructible superhero hired me to

be his sidekick.

Now we blow bubbles and fight crime.

Feel good.

That's incompressing.

Once this ghost has 500 PSI, the first phone will come shooting out of her

at exactly 87 miles per hour.

Ray, you ready to catch this phone? Yeah.

87, not bad.

Told ya.

Alright,

what's going on?

Why'd I just get hit in the face with a wet phone?

Someone shoved Piper's phone in her mouth.

Nice.

Come on.

Raise your hand if you've thought about shoving Piper's phone in her mouth.

Yeah.

So what happened?

Well, I was minding my own business talking loudly on my cell phone after

watching Battle Peaks 4.

How great was that ending?

So great. Yo, I cannot believe that Captain Porkchop totally was not another

word.

You haven't seen it yet? No, because I keep getting interrupted.

And you all know how much I hate being... I still don't understand how

fun ended up in her mouth.

I'm in public.

I know that, but I want to, so I do it.

What's wrong with that?

I mean, it's just kind of bad.

Do not be considerate of others.

Come on, Piper. Mr. Wallaby taught you better than that. Mr. Wallaby.

I love Mr.

Wallaby. Who is Mr.

Wall... Don't even try.

Mr. Wallaby is this local guy on TV, and he hosts a show for little kids.

It's not just for kids.

It's a children's show, Jasper. All right, love the show, not going to

apologize. There's literally no reason at all to stop watching kids' shows just

because you got a little bit older.

Who are you talking to?

It's whom are you talking to?

Common usage, Jasper. No, no, whom is the object in the sentence, not the

subject. Common usage.

Grammar rules exist for a reason.

Grammar rules!

They never end good.

So what does Mr.

Wababadoodoo have to do with this?

Uh, Mr. Wallaby.

Mr.

Wallaby. Mr.

Wallaby. Mr.

Wallaby has a list of seven golden rules for good behavior.

Can you stop doing that? Rule one, never litter. Rule two, put things back where

you got them from.

This guy sounds lame.

Uh, okay, Mr. Wallaby is not lame.

He's kind of lame.

Hey, I just thought of something.

That grammar rule doesn't apply to you?

Common, you say?

Okay, okay, hey, let it go, let it go, let it go. Breathe, breathe.

Okay, now, what were you thinking?

I was thinking Piper and Mitch Bilski and that trashy girl from National Ball

all violated one of Mr. Wallaby's rules before they got attacked.

Don't litter, inside voices, put things back where you got them.

Wait, so you think that Mr.

Wallaby is Mr.

Nice Guy?

No way.

Mr. Wallaby is like the sweetest guy in the world.

Tom Hanks would play him in a movie.

Okay, then what if Mr. Nice Guy is some kind of Mr. Wallaby superfan? Or someone

who works on the show is taking the rules too seriously?

Um, it's whom works on the show.

No, it's not.

Okay, just a quick one and then we gotta go see why.

Everybody grab her, grab her, hammer!

Don't nobody cheat!

Don't nobody?

That's a double negative.

You're going down.

Mr.

Wallaby will be with you in a few minutes. If you gentlemen could wait

over here.

Ah, lost my shoulder. Oh, sorry.

Uh, no, you're good. Just got in a pretty bad grammar fight.

Grammar fight? Yeah.

Those never end good.

Uh, don't you mean those never end well?

Mr. Wallaby will be with you soon.

So, we talked to Wallaby.

See if he's noticed anything weird with any of his... Oh, it's a tree!

I'm sorry, what?

The wallaby tree, dude. The one that grows from good thoughts and produces

fruits of kindness.

Okay, I feel like... Maybe you're focused. Oh, the tubes. The tubes. Oh,

tubes.

This is where the male snail delivers the snail mail to Mr. Wallaby's mail

Yes.

Everybody loves the tubes.

Male snail.

How you doing?

Dude, it's the male snail who delivers snail mail without fail.

Nice to meet you. You guys here to see Mr. B?

See, don't any blood?

Every day.

Doctors say it's not healthy, but that don't stop Mr. B.

That man is a true hero.

No pointing!

Wow.

Buddy.

Make it down a notch. That was a freebie. Next time, you're losing an

Pointing violates Mr.

Wallaby's rule number five. No pointing!

Can't you read the sign?

Ah, I see no sign.

There's no sign. There!

What's wrong with your head?

It's there!

Stop freaking me out, man!

It's not pointing!

Oh, there it is!

Right there, see? No pointing!

You, uh, take Mr.

Wallaby's rules pretty seriously, don't you?

Maybe a little too seriously.

You bet I do.

And so will you, if you know what's good for you.

Stay, friend. Here we go.

Let me ask you a question. When time...

you ever seen the inside of a hood inside of a hood

okay

first

thing you need to know is you're not getting out of this alive what Nope,

nope. No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't just kill people, dude. Yeah, I know, but I

thought we were just playing good cop, bad cop. Yeah, we're playing good cop,

bad cop, not good cop, psychopath cop.

All right, start over, start over. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool.

One, two, three.

Okay,

first thing you need to know is you might get out of this alive better,

but only if you tell the truth.

I'll tell you anything you want to know. Admit you're Mr. Nice Guy. What? Oh,

don't play dumb with us. We know you're Mr. Nice Guy. Going around town,

trapping people in shopping carts, on phones, in loud talkers' mouths, gluing

trash on the nacho ballers. We know that was you.

And if you don't admit it, we will kill you. What?

No, we won't kill you. Thank you. As long as you tell the truth.

We'll kill you if you don't. Why do you want to kill people? Really?

No! Oh, hello!

Occupy, do not enter!

What are you guys doing?

Why turn the lights off? Come on!

We're in the middle of an interrogation here!

Well, we need ketchup.

This guy's gonna see you.

Who are you guys talking to? Get out!

We're gonna eat meatloaf in the park. But we need ketchup.

What? Okay, that makes sense, dude.

I can tell you who is.

Oh, sure. Who is it?

It's Mr. Wallaby.

What?

No way. Mr. Wallaby can't be Mr. Nice Guy. He's such a nice guy. Oh, I get it.

cracked the case. Way to go, me.

Wait, but why did you freak out when we pointed? I was trying to protect you.

Pointing's against the rules.

If Mr. Wallaby had seen you, you'd have been his next victim.

I kind of believe him.

Yeah. Come on. Let's go wipe the smile off Mr. Nice Guy's face.

How? Who's going to believe us that Mr. Wallaby's a criminal? We need proof.

What if we get him to reveal himself on live TV?

Stop doing that. Okay.

We forgot the meatloaf. Are you serious?

Right now?

You're fine.

You're fine.

All my wallaby wascals ready to hear the song of the golden rules?

Yes!

Yes what?

Yes, please!

That's right.

Gather round my special friends as I share some helpful tools.

Have a ball while you're following all my golden rules.

Rule one! Never litter.

Rule two! Put things back where you got them from. Rule three! When you sneeze,

you must cover.

Use your inside voice indoors.

No pointing.

Before you enter, wipe your shoes.

Chew with your mouth closed. Follow these and you'll never lose.

Mr. Wallaby's golden rules.

Yay!

Thank you, Apple. Thank you.

Oh, someone's at the door.

I'll bet it's the male snail with the snail mail for the male tail.

Hello. Oh, hey!

What's up? Hey, Wally, how's it going?

It's Captain Manicure Danger!

Yeah!

These don't point, Pascal. It's against the rules, and I just sang the song.

Oh, I don't mind when kids point at me. Oh, yeah, I just point right back at

them. Yeah, pony party!

Now we can say hello to our guests, who did not wipe their feet before entering.

Oh, is that one of your rules?

I think you know that it is.

Sorry, big dog. I'll wipe it right now.

What, Big Barty?

Sounds like somebody's not using his inside voice.

Yeah, that guy.

No pointing.

Ring, ring, ring. Oh, it appears I am receiving a call.

On your cellular telephone?

Indubitably.

Hello?

Yeah, this is he.

What's that? You want me to talk louder? Okay.

Who's your inside boy?

He didn't cover his mouth.

Stop being the rules.

I love these chips. These chips are dope. Yeah. I love eating them with my

mouth. We always chew with our mouths closed, don't we? No. No pointing.

I'm done with these chips.

Well, whatever to do with the bag.

Okay, okay. Come on, guys.

Yeah, I don't see a trash can anywhere.

It's right there.

Oh.

So it is.

But, yeah, maybe the thing might just drop that.

That's it!

Inside voice, please. No more, Mr.

Wallaby!

That's right, Pat Cal.

I've been trying to teach you people manners for years, but none of you

So now I'm going to make you behave.

Not anymore, pal.

Yeah, you're going to jail.

And can I just say, good plan, dude. Thanks.

Respect. Now, let's take this guy down.

Come on!

You want a piece of Wallaby?

No, Mr. Wallaby is jacked.

Right?

You know what this means.

Nice job, Kid Danger. You too, Cat.

I just wanted a nice little ending to it. Sure did.

Just like the ending of Battle Pigs.

No spoilers.