Original subtitles

Jacob, I told you to put that coyote down.

I did, Paul. But he rose up from his grave. And now he's a zombie coyote.

How did you pick up and operate that chainsaw?

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

What's your problem, man?

What's your problem, man?

Nothing. It's just a funny movie.

Whoa,

whoa.

I'm getting a lot of negativity in my direction.

Reminds me of the time that I said I didn't like Fortnite.

You're bad.

That's brilliant.

With a B. All right, that's enough. That's enough. That's enough.

Now, can we please turn the movie on so I can laugh and enjoy my broma hot

steaks?

That's another thing. Yeah.

Oh, God.

I don't hear you laughing at our scary movie, but you're sitting there eating

Brahma steaks right in our faces. Yeah, all we have is candy and popcorn and

sodas and donuts and taffy and slushies. I mean, what the heck, man?

Okay,

first of all, I bought these steaks myself with my own dad's credit card.

And second of all, I don't get scared.

You do?

Yes, you do. You get scared all the time when you do your tiny little shriek.

Yeah, it's like...

No, no, no, no. It's more high -pitched. It's like... No, no, no. You've got to

go even higher than that.

No, I

only do that when I'm startled, okay? And not when I'm scared.

Startled? Yeah.

Startled my butt.

Well, I'm sorry, okay?

I just don't get scared.

All right?

Just calm down, buddy.

Challenge.

No, no.

I already beat Henry in a dance battle. You did. I got served. I'm big enough to

admit it.

For this challenge, I'm going to scare you.

Can't be done.

Well, yes, you can.

I'm going to tell you a story so scary it'll... scare you.

Bring it.

And if I do scare you, we... get your whole box of broma hot steaks.

I can't be scared, okay, you crazy guy. Oh, yeah, so we got a bet? Yeah, we got

a bet. You bet we got a bet.

Let's hear your story.

Oh, you're not just going to hear my story.

You're going to see my story.

In your brain.

Quaz, get the story tank.

I don't like that.

And the sensory suits will also measure the ferritol levels in Henry's body.

Ferritol? What is that, like some kind of chemical your body produces when

you're scared? Yes.

Well, you better make sure that monitor can read zero because that's how much

ferritol my body produces.

Uh, yeah.

I said, well... We've heard you. Wow. Love you, friend.

Quiet. We're trying to divvy up the stakes or we're going to win. Aw, that's

cute. You actually think you can scare me by telling me a story.

Oh, Henry.

Poor, simple Henry.

I'm not just going to tell you a story.

I'm going to make you live the story.

I'm already not caring about what you're saying.

Maybe you'll care now.

You're in the story zone, deep inside your brain.

When I tell my story, you'll experience it in the story zone as though it's

really happening to you.

For instance, if I say that you're standing near a camel made of chocolate.

Okay,

that's pretty sweet.

Is it?

I don't think you'll find it sweet when you realize that my scary story starts

off outside of a house very much like your own house.

Okay.

But the difference is, this house is haunted.

I can tell it's just you making a door sound with your mouth.

I wanted an after school job, but then an indestructible superhero hired me to

be his sidekick.

Now we blow bubbles and fight crime.

So, Henry, how does it feel to stand outside a haunted house?

I'll tell you how it doesn't feel. Scary.

So you guys should just give up now because you're not getting my steak.

Is he scared at all?

No. The spiritual level is at 100.

This is like zero in spiritual levels.

Then why not just make it zero?

Hey, guys, my moral levels are off the charts. So can you please get on with

story? Yes.

So you're about to enter a haunted house.

But you're not alone.

What is there, like a ghost in the doorway or something?

No, no, no. No, no, there's no ghost in the doorway.

Let's try, buddy.

But there is someone else there.

A friend.

A handsome friend with huge muscles and eyes that smolder like a sunset and hair

like a waterfall.

Can you please get on with the story?

Sure.

Follow me.

If you dare.

I dare.

Wait, no, you're supposed to follow me.

Looks like my house.

Only spookier.

Same couch, though, so.

Yeah, well, this couch is kind of big. Yeah, well, I'm just saying that the

couch is different. It might be scarier. The story's not about the couch. Well,

it could be, so.

Greetings.

Where do you come from?

Kitchen.

I'm leaving for the winter.

And I need a caretaker for this house.

We'll do it.

Caretaking your house will give me time to write.

I'm a writer.

Gross.

What are you writing?

It's gonna take me all winter, but I'm gonna write the great American meme.

What?

It's gonna be based on a stock photograph.

It's gonna have a hilarious caption and capture the voice of our times.

I love captions. Memes do.

Best of luck to you.

But... Before I go, you should know one thing.

Where the bathrooms are?

No.

Well, yes.

But you should also know that the last caretaker of this house went crazy.

Ah.

I get it. Ray's going to go crazy. Maybe I will. Well, I know you will. Maybe I

will. Well, I hope.

doesn't go crazy because the last caretaker of this house sewed his

clothes together.

Now those clothes will be together forever and

ever and... See?

Why don't you go upstairs and unpack while I stay down here?

Not going crazy.

Unpack what? I don't have any bags.

Oh, really?

Nice. Yeah.

But, uh, too bad for you.

I'm not scared of suitcases.

Just go upstairs, okay? Fine.

But be careful.

You never know what you might find at the top of the... Scares.

I said, you never know what you might find at the top of... I heard you.

Cares.

seconds ago.

No, you're never fully in this territory.

What?

Also, real quick, big dog, is that your celebration music?

Yeah. Third Eye Blind, Semi -Charmed Life. Why?

Random. It's not random. It's awesome.

It's a little random.

Just flip your bikes down and make sure you're wearing pants.

I think you know I'm wearing pants.

Good. Great.

Because I'm about to scare him off.

Flip. Flipping.

Okay. You're in your room, unpacking. Scary twins. Just clothes we're sewing

together.

Okay. Socks go in the drawer, sweat in the closet.

Downstairs, the author is having trouble coming up with ideas for the great

American meme.

I can't think of any good memes.

How about something with cats?

What are you doing?

I'm just designing this glass.

Yeah, well, references to old movies aren't going to help me write the great

American meme.

You could try taking an axe and smashing the door to Henry's bedroom and

hurting him.

I don't know if I should hurt Henry.

Come on.

Okay.

I'll hurt him.

You got an axe?

I got this.

Good enough.

Hey, wait a second.

I thought we were alone in this house.

Oh, boy.

I really have gone crazy.

Come play with us, Henry.

Sure, as long as it's not Fortnite, I'm in.

Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in.

Okay, come on in.

Door's unlocked.

Just turn the handle, dude.

Well, I'm sorry.

Whoa. What if a ghost came back?

Would you be scared then?

The owner of the house is back.

And he's wearing a clown mask.

Clowns are scary.

Eh.

Ooh,

the bartender's here.

Hello.

None of this is scary, dude.

And you have to make a public speech.

A speech you're not prepared for.

I thrive under pressure, dude.

Nice.

That's the version you think of?

I told you, I can't be scared.

Let me have some steak. Hold on there, handsome.

What? I was talking to Henry.

As Henry's best friend and soulmate.

Wait, what?

Yeah, what? I'm pretty sure I know what scares him.

Ah, I see.

Now you want a shot at my steak.

Yeah, I'm going to win the bet, take all your steaks, and then share them with

you.

Okay, that defeats the purpose of... So flip down that visor and be prepared to

be scared.

All right, this story takes place up in Junk and Stuff.

It was a day just like today.

Wait, shouldn't it be night right now?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's night. It's way more scary.

You're halfway through weaving a friendship bracelet for your old pal,

when suddenly, Charlotte and I run in.

Stop, I'm almost done weaving your... Zombies!

You're right.

Not yet.

But soon.

I'm making zombie noises.

A zombie that has to use the bathroom?

Why, would that be scarier?

Will somebody just please scare Henry so we can win the bet and get the stakes?

That's what I'm doing!

Are you?

Because I don't even see any zombies in junk and stuff yet.

I mean, I'm looking, and I'm looking, and I'm looking, but... Zombies! Okay.

Please don't do that again.

Sorry, I'm not in charge.

What do we do?

I'm so scared.

You should be too.

Door's locked.

We're fine.

But no, no, no, I will not be unlocking the door.

Yeah, I know this sign says we're open, but it also says diablo espanol and none

of us speak Spanish, so it's always been wrong.

If I unlock the door, are you going to eat my brain?

Are you zombie -line?

And that's why I will not be opening the door.

Oh, no!

That zombie has a zombie key ring!

Seriously?

This is what happens when guys aren't in charge of stories.

women just stand there and scream.

Oh no, they unlocked the door!

I'm filled with fear.

Why is my dad here?

I don't know, but it's scary.

Is it because while we go through that whole thing about the door being locked,

if zombies were inside the entire time? There's no time to ask reasonable

questions because I'm a zombie too!

Oh, and so is Charlotte.

Really?

Stop tickling me.

Stop tickling me.

I'm going to be honest.

Stop. I'm going to pee my pants.

Stop, guys. Seriously. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I will

pee my pants if you don't stop tickling me. He's not lying. His urinal levels

are rising.

yet to decide. I thought we were friends. We are.

Now,

does anybody have any scary stories that could scare everyone?

No, they do not because I can't be scared.

I've got a scary story.

Yes, yes, yes. Come on, come on, come on. Do it, do it, do it.

It was a dark and stormy night.

Just like tonight.

If tonight were dark and stormy. Right.

You're at your house.

Hey, check it out, same couch.

Your dad and Piper come home with a new doll that Piper just bought.

We're home!

With this doll I just bought.

Because it's an evil doll that's going to come to life and hurt me while I'm

sleeping?

What?

No, no.

Look at his face, he's got murdery eyes.

Well, that's just too much mascara.

Face it, the kid's on to me. This story's not going to scare him. Piper,

throw me behind the couch.

Bye!

Is that all you got?

I got one.

You're still at home, but you're alone.

With a baby.

Okay, this is the closest any of these stories have gone to being scary.

Okay,

the phone rings.

You answer it.

Did you like scary movies?

I'll bet this call is coming from inside the house.

Yeah, okay, fine, but that's not all because the person on the phone is

a scary mask from that painting and holding a knife.

wires, whatever.

Can I get out of this story tank now?

I have a story for you.

It's very quick and very scary.

Okay, let's hear it.

Once upon 15 minutes ago... Yeah?

While Ray was telling you his story... Okay.

I infused the story tank with butterfly DNA.

I'm sorry, what?

Oh, you didn't hear me?

I said, I infused the story tank with butterfly DNA.

So what does that mean?

What? Uh -oh.

Your atoll level's rising.

What?

And urinal.

So much urinal.

Turning into a cocoon.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Schwoz, are we close?

So what's going to happen to me, Schwoz?

Well, you'll be in the cocoon for about a month.

What? What about fighting crime? What about my parents? What about school?

I don't know.

I do know that when you emerge from the cocoon, you will have a strong desire to

fly to Canada for the summer.

George, what?

This isn't a story. You actually did this to me.

Sometimes, just get a story.