Original subtitles

How's it looking, Henry?

Looking good.

How's it looking, Ray?

Looking okay.

How's it looking, Charlotte?

I do not know what I'm doing.

What?

Why would you mess with a man, man, if you don't know what you're doing? You

told me it didn't matter.

When did I say that?

Ten minutes ago, when I walked out of the elevator and found you guys dancing

around, chanting, haircut change, haircut change, haircut change, haircut

change, haircut change.

to cut each other's hair?

With laser!

Do you win?

I do not know how to give a haircut with a laser.

Doesn't matter!

Then okay.

That didn't happen.

Yes, it did.

Well, who are you going to believe, Charlotte?

Your own flawed memory?

Or three guys who've been up all night playing video games and eating

Yeah.

Yeah, that's not a tough choice. Yeah, exactly.

You might want to look for your lasering.

You better look for your lasering.

What was that?

Nothing. No, no, no, no. You tell your screen.

Dude, it's nothing. Nope. Hey, Schwoz. Random question. Do you have anything

that regrows hair?

What?

Don't worry. I got something.

This hair growing cream works great.

I've been using it on the side and back of my head for years.

Any instructions for this stuff?

Oh, yes, lots of them. But I don't have time to tell you right now because I'm

late for my dinner with Bigfoot.

Hey, hey, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Oh.

Bigfoot? Like Bigfoot, Bigfoot? Yeah. V, Bigfoot?

Like the made -up creature who lives in the woods?

He's not made up. He dated my sister.

Your sister dated Bigfoot? Yeah, it didn't work out between them. He wanted

kids, she didn't. But I always thought he was a chill hang.

Can we go with you? Oh, yeah.

I don't like to mix my work friends with my mood friends.

Fine,

let's go over dinner with Bigfoot.

Emergency alert.

Dinner with Bigfoot! Dinner with Bigfoot! Dinner with Bigfoot! Dinner

Bigfoot! Dinner with Bigfoot!

Dinner with Bigfoot!

Hey,

the hair growing cream worked great. That looks good, dude. Oh, nice.

This worries me a little. Oh, hair!

Don't touch me.

You have to wear a glove when you apply it. That's part of the instructions.

But you didn't tell me any instructions.

Okay, step one.

Don't eat your ears.

So, Schwoz, where's Bigfoot? Yeah, man.

We've been walking around for four whole minutes.

I'm starting to think you don't really know Bigfoot.

Relax. Let me just call him.

scream his name, then why'd you pull out your phone?

So I can get a picture of you guys when Bigfoot shows up.

You mean if he shows up? We've been here for five whole minutes now. I'm

starting to think you don't actually know... That's a good one.

It all just kind of happened. I wanted an after -school job, but then an

indestructible superhero hired me to be his sidekick.

Now we blow bubbles and fight crime.

Feels good.

Oh, my boot!

You

guys,

Bigfoot is real.

Real handsome?

I'm just kidding.

It's nice to meet you.

Oh, Eddie.

Oh, I know this guy.

Henry Hart, a .k .a. Kid Danger. Feels good!

Bigfoot knows my thing!

Of course I do. Schwoz talks about you guys all the time. What?

Yeah, you must be Charlotte.

Schwoz tells me you're even smarter than he is.

What?

It's true, though.

Oh, Jasper.

Yeah. Oh, J -Dawg.

How's that girl with all the allergies?

She ghosted me.

I keep texting her, but she never responds.

but certainly not least.

Hey, there he is. There I am.

This guy.

You must be Henry's dad.

Henry's dad? Are you kidding me? Are you Jasper's dad?

I'm Ray, a .k .a. Captain Man.

Schwoz never mentioned you. Are you new to the Schwoz Cave?

The Schwoz Cave?

Listen, listen. I found this great campsite just past the creek. Let's all

down there and have dinner and we'll get to know each other better.

That's a tough one, Daddy.

That one there's Orion.

Also known as the Great Bully in the Sky.

Those three stars are his belt.

Legend says Orion takes off that belt and uses it to whip nerds in the cosmic

school hallway.

Anyway, I think I'm going to sing Father Figure for my Swell Beats Got Talent

audition this year.

I just want to sneak into town to get that good salsa, but people would see me

and they'd either want a selfie or they'd try and kill me.

And I hear that.

I can't go anywhere without getting mobbed. Appreciate your sympathy, Ron.

Ray. It's Ray.

I'm so sorry. Captain Ray.

No, it's Captain Man. My name is Ray.

It's hilarious.

This guy has no idea who I am. And there's no Dijon mustard for this hot

I'm embarrassing.

I'm embarrassing.

I'm the one who's embarrassing. You're embarrassing. I am. You are. Okay.

Listen, you know what? Dude, you need to calm down. You need to go in the

forest. You need to take a lap. I don't want to take a lap.

You need to take a lap. No, you do not need to lap. It's not my lap time.

I wouldn't take a lap. It's pretty dangerous out there.

Okay. I'm taking a lap. Okay.

Real quick.

Is the hair growing in anyone else's hands starting to burn?

I do not have hair in my hands.

Next question.

Why'd you say it's so dangerous out there? There's this hunter, S. Thompson.

He's been setting traps for me all over the woods.

Hey! I found some pork chops just lying here on the ground.

No, no, no.

People have been hunting you for years.

What's so special about this guy?

He's really good.

He knows exactly what I like.

Pork chops, root beer.

Season two of Will and Grace on Blu -ray? That's a good season.

That's a great season. Maybe I can pick it up with my foot.

Resto!

Sweet Mac and Malali, where will I learn my lesson?

Someone should go get him.

On it.

Anyway. It's only a matter of time before that hunter, S. Thompson, catches

You know, Biggie, my friends are superheroes.

Maybe they can help get this guy off your back.

Hey, Henry, grab that top hat that's randomly lying on the ground.

No, dude, it's a trap.

Well, look how fancy it is. I know. I'll just kick it out of the trap really

fast before it closes.

That's not gonna work.

There's traps everywhere.

Hey!

Did you guys know there's a bunch of traps and a really sweet top hat in the

woods?

And even though Captain Man and Kid Danger didn't show up to the emergency,

everything was okay.

Just kidding. It was a disaster.

We'll get back to you later with a full list of terrible injuries.

But for now... let's move on to tonight's big story, Bigfoot.

That's right, Mary.

Local jerk Mitch Bilski claims to have had a run -in with the notoriously hairy

creature while he was, quote, chilling out, maxing, relaxing with his bros.

Here for comment is Bigfoot expert and well -known internet troll, F. Thompson.

Yeah.

I'm sick of people telling me that Bigfoot isn't real.

Because Bigfoot is real!

And I'm gonna catch him!

And no one's going to laugh at me anymore.

Well, local jerk Mitch Bilski won't laugh at you because he saw Bigfoot

In the woods.

Tonight? In the woods.

Okay, well.

Here is the list of the people who were injured when Captain Man and Kid Danger

didn't show up.

Did you hear that? Yeah. My name's going to be

on that list of injured people.

Oh, there I am. Jake Hart, self -inflicted.

No, I'm talking about Bigfoot.

He's in the woods. Do you know how many likes I could get if I posted a selfie

with Bigfoot?

A lot?

I can get bonafide on TwitFlash.

I'm 42 and three quarters years old. What is bonafide?

It's that little blue checkmark next to your name that means you're better than

everyone else.

If I help you get that checkmark, will you finally respect me?

If I say yes, will you come with?

Yes. Then let's go!

Wait!

What about your great -grandfather's birthday?

We got him balloons. What more does he want?

Sorry, Grampy.

Thanks. Yeah, you got it. It was really hard to go to the bathroom with all that

hand hair. I don't want to hear about it. Okay, I'll go tell Shark.

Hey,

I got the pine needles you wanted to cover the trap.

Oh, my God, where'd the trap go?

Seriously? That's all the pine needles you could get?

Well, I could have gotten more if maybe someone would have helped me.

Ugh, fine, I'll help.

Jasper Schwoz, go with Charlotte and get more pine needles.

So, what's the plan?

We're going to trap that jerkbag hunter.

Yeah, Bigfoot likey.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then as soon as we spring the trap, Captain Man and I will

pop out, hit him with the memory wiper, and he won't even remember that you're

Bigfoot.

Solid plan.

Yeah. How does this trap work?

Great question, foot.

You're going to stand right over there.

And when the hunter sees you, he's going to be like, there's Bigfoot.

Yeah. And then he's going to walk over and stand right here, this spot.

Right here? Right where we're standing right now. Yeah. And then Schwoz will

a button and he'll spring the trap.

This trap right here? The same. The one we're standing over right now. Where is

this button that springs the trap we're standing on right now? Another great

question, foot.

It is right... there.

Hey there, fella.

Would you mind stepping over here into the... Whoa!

Okay, we need a new plan.

Scrape for help? Scrape for help.

news is going to pick up.

This has been Brian the Fender Bender with the KLBY News. Is your phone

during? It sure is, Trent.

Let me just take care of that.

Hi, this is Mary G. How you be?

No, it's a good time.

It's not a good time.

That's right, Trent.

It's a great time. Let me just put you on speaker.

in the world and show pictures of them.

Grab the cameras, Maddie. We're going to the woods.

Rick Cohen, bring the news desk.

Hold on a sec. My mom's calling.

Hi, Mama G. How you be?

They found Bigfoot, Mayor. I saw it on the news. She scared a local jerk.

He called the news.

They're on the way.

Relax, but I'm going to laser us out of here.

No, no, no. Dude, it's diamond -plated theater.

Maybe if I set this thing to kill.

Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. What, what? Look at his arm.

Yeah, it's big, but mine are way bigger. What? No, it's not. Look at the bald

spot.

It's like it's got normal skin.

So? So, this might sound crazy, but what if we shave Bigfoot with our lasers?

Okay, I love that.

It's kind of my thing.

Exactly. So if we zap your hair off, when they open this up, there'll just be

three totally normal hairless dudes just chilling in the woods.

Hairless boys! Exactly.

I don't know.

You hear that? The news is coming. Yeah.

The world's finally going to know the name of Hunter S. Thompson.

You're mine now, you big smelly hairbag.

Be gentle.

tree sap on my exposed skin. If you don't have bug spray, it's a great

alternative. Yeah, there's no way that's true.

Piper, I know a lot about nature. My parents used to leave me in the woods

month every summer.

See this moss?

What about it?

Reticulated ever brown moss.

Very safe to eat. The locals call it nature's salad.

Yeah, this says that ever brown moss is brown.

That was green.

Green moss, brown moss.

It's all nature, baby.

My phone says that's North American mold moss and it's highly toxic.

Yeah.

Tastes really bad.

KLDY news alert.

Bigfoot is in a trap right near us.

I feel weird.

put it over there by the bush. Wait!

Wait!

further down?

Which are a real thing. Mm -hmm.

Whoa! I never heard of no hair shorts.

Well, uh, I have.

And, uh, you know what? I say hair shorts are the coolest.

How about that? Okay?

Did you hear?

Kid Danger says hair shorts are the coolest!

Yeah! And he's an influencer, so hair shorts have to be cool.

I... I mean, those are the...

That wraps her up.

So, you guys want to go back to the man cave and watch Will and Grace?

Season two? Do you even have to act?

Oh, look.

Some cheese.

What? No, no, no. Dude, don't. Don't. Just let him. It's the only way he'll

learn. These things are cheesetastic.

with my top hat.