Original subtitles

Yo, yo, yo, kiddos, check out this new invention Schwoz just made for me.

What does it check it?

Uh, I don't think Schwoz invented the pen.

She thinks it's just a pen.

She thinks it's just a pen!

Yeah, we all thought it was just a pen.

Well, it also happens to be a nose hair trimmer.

What?

Listen to it. And it also happens to fire small poison darts.

What?

No.

Wow!

Wow!

Yes! That is gold!

And you can reuse the darts, so, you know, sustainable.

Good for the earth and all that.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, she's here. Oh, my God, why is she here? Why is she here right now? No,

no, no, no, no, no, no.

What do you mean? Her, her, Lacey, my ex -girlfriend. Oh, gosh, she's coming.

Ray?

Hey, Lacey.

Oh, my gosh, you're here.

Ray Manchester.

Oh, my God.

How long has it been?

Uh, gosh, well, 12 years.

Oh, 12 years. Well, you look exactly the same.

Thanks. Just older.

Ah, I forgot you were so funny.

So, Ray, do you want to introduce us to your... Oh, yeah, right, sorry.

Lacey, this is Henry.

Hey. And that's Charlotte.

And that's that kid.

And this is Lacey Lombard, my...

ex -girlfriend.

So nice to meet you guys. Nice to meet you as well. Can I, uh, can I steal Ray

real quick?

Oh, sure, sure.

Gotta steal him.

What? What? Uh, does she know that you're Captain Man?

What? No, don't be dumb. She thinks I'm just a regular guy.

I'm not dumb.

Oh, right.

Ray, I'd like you to meet my husband.

The name's Reynolds.

Roger Reynolds.

Well, great to meet you, Roger Reynolds.

What are you, a railroad repairman?

Ours.

Ray, did you know that Roger works for the British Secret Service?

How would I know that?

Whoa, you really do?

So you're like, like a spy?

Like a real -life James Bond?

Oh, I wouldn't say I'm exactly like James Bond.

Yes. That's amazing.

So,

Ray, is this what you do?

You work in this junk shop?

Uh, no.

I own it, okay?

I own this junk shop.

So, Roger, we want to hear some of your spy stories. Yeah, tell us what's like

being a spy. No, no, we don't.

This is a place of business, okay? We should be working, okay? Working, not a

story listening to.

Ray, listen.

You seem to be doing great.

Yeah, I am.

I'm doing great.

Then stop acting jealous.

Jealous? I know what she said.

Ray, just calm down, man. What makes you think I'd be jealous of Reginald

Rumpelthorpe over here?

His name is Roger.

And, well, it's just that he goes on exciting spy missions, defeats

and saves people.

While you work here surrounded by things that people have thrown away.

Okay. All right. Well, then let me let you in on a little secret about this

darling.

Guess what this does?

I'm not jealous.

He's not.

You know why?

Because Ray saves people, too.

Yeah. You know, he saved me.

He saved her.

He saved him.

Saved you from what?

Um, uh, you know, the, uh... Life on the streets.

Yeah. Yeah.

Tell them, kids.

C -Ray adopted us, so... That's right.

He's our daddy now.

Oh!

Yeah. Yes, indeed.

Uh, and I don't just run a junk shop, okay? I got another job that's really

cool. This is really... I don't think that... I'm an inventor.

Yes, he is. Yes, he is. Yeah, I invent, like, really awesome, really awesome

stuff. Like what?

Like this.

Look. Pen.

Nose hair trimmer.

Poison dart shooter.

Anyway, these are my kids, and I'm a really awesome inventor, and I live in a

nice house, so.

Well, I'd love to see your house before we leave tomorrow. We don't have dinner

plans tonight.

It's true.

Oh.

Well, then.

Daddy, no.

I wanted an after -school job, but then an indestructible superhero hired me to

be his sidekick. Now we blow bubbles and fight crime.

Feels good.

Cut. Up to two.

You two go online and check out nice houses for sale in Swellview.

Wait, what?

I gotta buy a house.

You know, my dumb ex -girlfriend or snoochy husband are coming to dinner at

house tonight. And the main problem with my house is that I don't got one.

Look, dude, if you're seriously gonna do this whole dinner thing, then why don't

you just do it at Char's house?

Uh, because no.

Hey, hey.

Pick a book.

You remember the science fair where Charlotte's project got ruined and I

it into a teleportation device?

Yeah? Yeah, and I had to forget something like that.

And look, I made a better one.

All right, so this thing can move anyone, anywhere.

No, no, no, not just people.

Hey, hey, go, go.

Hey, watch, watch. Look at the round couch.

Okay, first.

I really like this couch. Maybe I'll teleport to... Ah, no!

Wow. Wow.

That's amazing.

So, where's my couch?

Okay, let's forget about the couch and start funning our family dinner tonight

at Henry's house.

Oh, dude, we can't have the dinner at my place, okay?

My family went to a tennis tournament, and they're probably on their way back

right now.

Well, how are they getting back home?

Uh, the subway. Why?

Because schwoz.

Can you hack into the city's transportation network and access the

system's master control?

Will you promise to take me later for ice cream?

No, but if you do it, I promise not to slap your silly face.

Well, that's not as good, but okay.

Hi.

Welcome to Junket Stuff.

Um, can you help me find a gift for my nephew?

No. Can't you see I'm stuck under this big couch?

Try to find my mom, dad, and Piper.

There. Stop. I saw Henry's mom on the monitor. Go back, and back, and back,

back, and back, and back, and back, and back, and back, and back. There. There.

That's Henry's mom right there.

Yeah, and there's my dad and Piper.

Hey, what's that man sitting beside your mom?

Huh? Oh, that's Darius.

He's my mom's tennis instructor.

Schwoz, can you make sure that Henry's family and his mom's tennis instructor

stay on that subway for the next five hours?

Sure.

You two, go to Henry's house right now, hold on all the family pictures and

destroy them.

What? Why do we have to destroy them?

Okay, fine, just hide them. Go, go, go, go, go.

Schwoz, I want you to go and rent a maid's uniform.

Already have one.

Of course you do.

Up to two.

I also want you to go to the supermarket, buy a bunch of dinner food,

stuff, and take it to Henry's.

Okay. And make sure we have a nice table set up for dinner.

I'll scoot.

And as for me, I'll text Lacey the address.

Hey, hey.

It's my handsome son, Henry, and my beautiful daughter, Maribel.

Maribel?

Yeah, I've always wanted to have a daughter named Maribel. And, you know,

never been in love with a name Charlotte, so... Hey, does my fingernail

weird? I don't know. Let me see.

Okay,

all the appetizers and the dinner food are ready to serve.

Thank you, Schwoz.

Oh, it's seven. Okay.

House looks nice.

People look good.

Oh, wait, Henry, come here.

I've got to fix your hair.

Whoa, no, no, no, no, no. Whoa, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What?

I want you to fix my hair with your wet, spit -licked hand.

Well, I don't want my son coming to dinner looking like some kind of wild

animal. I don't know what that is, but no, you're not going to do that.

Just come here. No, no, you're not going to do that. Just let me. No.

Just let. No.

Just let. No.

No.

I don't get that. I don't get that. Just give it to me. Just give it to me.

know you can't tell her that you're captain man i know but i also know there

something i can do what's that

they're

here maribel get the door will you charlotte you need girls man a lot of

attitude i know right get off

Hello there.

Hi. Welcome to our house. Please, come in.

Lacey.

Roger,

you're here.

Glad you could make it.

This is my house.

You know, my furniture, my staircase.

And you've already met my adopted kids, Henry and Charlotte, who we sometimes

call Maribel.

Yeah, no.

Ah, yes, and this is our maid, Schwoz.

Oh, Schwoz.

What an interesting name.

Thank you.

In my country, it means pretty mouth.

Oh, I see.

Um, Ray, where is your other son?

Hmm? The awkward boy.

Jasper. Oh, yeah, Jasper. He's, uh, he's, uh...

What does that mean?

This train ain't stopped in two and a half hours.

It just keeps going and going.

Going? Yep.

So I ran right across the alligator, hopped on my motorbike, and drove right

through a concrete wall.

spent the rest of the afternoon rescuing the disabled school children.

Whoa. You rescued all those first graders?

Yes.

But in a way, they rescued me.

Aw.

Ooh, my butter cake is ready. Everyone get ready for my special butter cake.

We can't have butter cake?

Dad, butter cake.

Look, we've spent our whole dinner listening to Roger talking about his

exciting, fantastic life.

Ray, don't be jealous.

I mean, yes, Roger is an exceptional man, but I'm sure you have lots of great

stories about selling junk and stuff.

Well, don't forget that, Ray, my daddy is also an amazing inventor.

Yeah, he's like a genius.

Amazing man, my daddy.

Oh, that's right.

Show me that cute pen you made again.

Yes, the little pen that turns into a nose hair trimmer.

That was so impressive.

Oh, uh, do you want to be impressed?

You want to be impressed?

Oh, good.

Tell you what.

Before we have our butter cake, why don't you take a look at another little

invention that I just whipped up last week.

Uh, dude?

Uh, that's dad to you.

Uh, dad?

I, uh, I don't think you need to show them that. You don't need to be showing

them that. Oh, yes, I do.

But, like all great inventors, I'll need my maid to assist me.

Schwoz? Yes, Mr. Manchester?

Help me teleport the dinner table.

Uh, okay.

Uh, first we set the... Yeah, first all I do is activate this.

You can see there, and then, uh, that bag goes there. And then I turn this,

up right there. Yeah, that's correct.

The pause is right. And, uh, the thing, and the thing, and the jazz, and the

Iraq, and the eight countries. I do this.

Do it.

Look over there.

Oh, my God.

Great Britain.

You created the teleportation device.

Ray, this is the most amazing invention ever.

Yeah, thanks.

So who wants butter cake?

Thank you.

I'm afraid Lacey and I won't be joining you for butter cake.

Why not?

Dude, butter cake.

I'm sorry, but I must now transport myself, my wife, and my new invention to

headquarters in England.

What are you talking about?

I'm going to show the teleportation device that I invented to the British

Parliament and even to the Queen.

Oh, Roger.

That's right.

Really, Lacey?

You'd respect a man who'd steal someone else's invention and pretend like it was

his. Uh, dude, that's a setup.

And as for you... You all stay right

where you are.

Now, we hate to eat and run, but it's time for Lacey, me, and my new toy to

teleport ourselves to England.

Hey,

hey, Roger.

Look, my maid just reminded me that the teleporter hasn't been perfected yet.

Yeah, it can't transport two people at the same time. Yeah, and if you try it,

it might do something terrible.

Oh, Ray, you always were a terrible liar.

Nice try, old boy.

Old.

It was good to see you, Ray.

Wait, no, no, no.

That's me, man.

That's no brain.

What's going on? My telephone's not functioning.

Oh, no.

To us, what's going on? What is that?

That's not my device.

Lacey and Roger and turn them into this one thing.

Well, what do we do with them?

It.

Do you know how to separate them? You know, turn them back into two normal

people? Do I?

No.

What? Do we take them to the hospital? Oh, I mean... Oh, come on. No hospital's

gonna know what to do with that blob couple.

She's right.

The only place to take this, uh, them, that is to a place where there are

who are more holy and spiritual than any of us.