Original subtitles

THIS STORY BEGINS IN 2012

FRANCIS FIGHTS TI-KONG, A MARTIAL ARTS STAR WITH A GIANT PENIS

THAT'S WHEN HE MEETS SONIA, THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE

10 YEARS LATER, IT'S A NEW ERA AND TI-KONG IS BACK...

An erotic film star in the 2000s,

manly hero of violent movies,

this is Ti-Kong's story.

Ti-Kong started martial arts young.

Scouted by a Brazilian director,

he starred in action films

based on his rare abilities.

His huge member has earned him many nicknames:

THE THIRD LEG

TOOL OF JADE

Nobody knows whether it's due to a birth defect

or a targeted workout plan.

It's scientifically possible.

But it all ended after a stunt gone wrong.

Ti-Kong awakened from an 8-year coma

and turned over a new leaf.

His 2020 memoirs were a sensation,

and other influential works followed.

Ti-Kong is now a world-famous influencer.

No! This is a nightmare!

Is this manhood today?

10 years ago, he was a violent film star

and now he's an icon?

I think our bed's too big.

- It doesn't shock you? - Not at all.

Did you fix my pants?

Yes.

But the seams are worn.

Normal. We train hard.

Shall we train too, Pookie?

Don't call me that.

6 months and 7 days since we had sex!

I'm not keeping track

but that's approximately 182 days.

A year of abstinence.

To reflect on our desires,

refocus our energy...

to listen to our bodies.

I know but I won't last.

See? Contract terminated.

Just a random paper, but...

See the links I sent?

Yes...

- Yeah, right. - Did you see my app?

The stats and goals?

It converts intercourse into miles per hour.

We're doing 0.75 mph!

You're too genital.

"Genital" isn't a real word.

You should follow Ti-Kong's lead.

- What? - Yeah.

Do you hear yourself?

He soul-searched,

saw past his condition,

and you talk about sex in mph.

It's hard for me too.

Sure it is.

It's an experiment we agreed on together!

I'm trying to rekindle the flame.

To each their own flame. It's simple.

Maybe, but I still feel useless and inadequate.

You're not useless!

You're a great dry cleaner.

Nobody irons like you.

You see...

that's what I need now:

clean kimonos for Sexkido class.

That's my jam.

Anyway...

- Shower time. - Can I come?

- I'll soap you. - No, thanks.

Picture it: it's late and the guy's pushy.

He insists. We go for it.

Twist his arm. A kick or two in the stomach.

He wants your tits? He gets them.

Turn him round.

Light pressure. He can't move, if he does...

He's done.

Sexkido

channels your sexual energy all over the body.

If used well, it'll make you stronger

and more resilient.

Its power is immense.

6 months of frustration, and it's getting worse.

Watching her exercise

has gone from desire to obsession. I'm fed up.

Dude, you're too genital.

Enough with that word! It's meaningless.

You're dick-centric.

Learn to sublimate. Rise above it.

You and your post-sex talk! So sex is dead?

What's the alternative?

Dunno.

Be less genital...

and more Zenithal.

That's what modern girls want.

Zenithal!

Less genital, maybe, but you never go out.

Took out the trash.

Did you call that girl?

No.

No, but actually...

I've been thinking.

I'm looking for that little spark.

The delicate flicker of the candle.

You're clueless.

We all are, that's the problem.

New fabric softener?

- You said it made lint. - Never.

- Yes, you did. - You don't listen.

What's with you today?

You don't listen.

You've worked nonstop for 2 years.

It's oppressive.

I have to stay at the dry cleaner.

A seed...

takes patience.

I'm not your plant.

Knock-knock, guys.

Hey, Francis. Marcus.

Hi, Michel.

- How've you been? - Great.

Francis, we're booked.

- Marcus! - Hello.

We can look.

I had an oil-change disaster. Look.

That's blood.

It's oil.

- Blood. - Smell it.

- Smells like blood. - It's oil!

It really soaked in.

If only you knew. Look at this.

Only you can help.

We're swamped...

But I can write a prescription.

No!

OK.

Fuck me!

Hey, chill. What's your deal?

One compliment, and you kiss his ass.

He's a regular. Just chill.

His stuff has clogged 2 machines!

You didn't check the pockets.

- It's blood. - Stop tripping.

Sorry, Michel.

Look...

It's real simple...

2 short cycles.

One at 90°F to protect the fibers.

90°F.

Spin at 600, max.

Understood.

Let sit 1 hour.

One hour.

Then run a delicate at low temp.

- OK? - Right, low temp.

It'll be fine.

You're a poet.

Get lost!

- Marcus? - Sorry.

Spare me this guy with his fake oil.

Next time I'll call first.

It's blood!

Have you thought about my offer?

Yes, but...

Marcus is my partner.

So? You can be partners with Marcus and Michel.

- I know but... - Part time.

You can go back and forth.

We've been over this.

50 greasy mechanics.

See these stains?

It's this times 100.

Yeah, because here...

it's a little cramped.

I have a washbasin from 1800.

The best year.

You bet.

- Solid granite. - Right.

Picture it.

We could beat the laundry together.

- Come on. - I'm sorry but...

That's nice, but really...

Think about it. OK?

Here's my card.

I know what you did.

I know who you really are.

Anyway...

Bye, Marcus.

Yeah, bye.

It's blood!

Bye-bye.

What a sketchball.

Hey! Give the card back.

Don't waste your talent.

Enough about my talent!

I wash and iron clothes. It's pathetic, actually.

We have no ambition. Look at this junk.

It's a disgrace.

How old are our machines?

We're losers.

We're at the end of our cycle.

STUBBORN STAIN? ASK FOR THE MOON

- A man at the dojo doesn't shock you? - Ti-Kong is different.

Well...

He's still a man.

Put your phones away, girls.

Sorry. I know he's very charismatic.

The reason I invited Ti-Kong here today...

is for the quality of his technique, but also...

for what it represents.

Stop it!

Huge penis, you say.

But remember, a dick of any size

weighs this much in the collective unconscious.

This is its place in the world.

That's why we're at the dojo,

to learn self-defense, obviously,

but also to subvert symbols.

It's important.

It's soft. Velvet?

Shall we show them?

Sonia...

Sorry about yesterday. It was just hormones, now I'm better.

I've been thinking. I propose 2 more months...

Non-renewable.

Sonia, sorry about yesterday.

Block the phallic energy.

Topple the symbol.

Now there's salami on the tatami.

You know the ground moves.

I can't cockblock my date.

No way...

Francis?

- What're you doing here? - Seriously?

What am I doing here?

Ti-Kong is a pro.

How long's this been going on?

Liars! Size doesn't matter? It clearly does.

He's uneasy.

Stay, it's fine.

Is this why we're abstinent?

Look, now isn't the time.

Abstinence, fine. But not this!

Shall I tell them about the two of you?

- There's nothing to tell. - Oh really?

There's nothing to tell.

They called him Chinese Guillotine!

Uncut erotic fight movies.

My video store carried them.

Shut the fuck up!

You were busting jaws all day long!

And Sonia you dreamed

of getting dickslapped by Ti-Kong.

But I showed up

and dickslapped him before he could dickslap you.

What's "dickslap"?

May I? It's this...

To slap with the penis.

Shitty idea for a movie!

People find that funny?

Easy. It's very hard to do.

It takes mad skills.

Is it true?

Shoot!

They didn't know?

You have no proof.

I'll prove it right now. Hey, you!

Wait!

I dickslapped you once, I can do it again.

It'll be educational.

Take off your underwear.

- Take notes. - Put your pants on!

Put them back on!

- Shall I do it? - No.

I'll dickprint your left cheek.

- I'll handprint your ass. - Cut it out!

I'll dickprint everyone!

- What? - Calm down.

This is bad.

- What'd you say? - You heard me.

You're all undersexed losers!

I'm leaving you, Francis.

What?

It's over.

Finished.

- You sure? - Yes, I can't go on.

We've grown apart.

I'm the one leaving.

That dickslap never happened.

You're ridiculous. You're lying to yourself.

Hello, Francis?

Police, ma'am.

You the owner of White Crane Dojo?

Yes.

Calm down. What happened exactly?

I came to get the kimonos.

I didn't understand at first.

Then I saw the blood.

How did you know the victim?

He taught here yesterday. I left him the keys after class.

He liked to train in private.

OK.

I've never seen anything like this.

What happened, exactly?

The tip was severed. Clean cut.

Less than castration, more than circumcision.

There's no word for it.

My team's looking for a term,

we'll keep you posted.

"Dickapitated."

Dick as in Richard.

- Did you find the tip? - Just up the street.

Hollowed out.

Like a split watermelon.

Horrible!

- Sorry? - Yes, it's horrible.

Just terrible.

A dog dragged it 200 yards,

wire-haired dachshund left it in the street.

Figured it was a hedgehog I ran over.

That's no hedgehog.

Intern, ready for the reenactment?

Right...

The fight probably began in the lockers,

before moving in here.

Good, Intern.

C'mon guys!

This is the second combat,

which led to dickapitation.

Focus, guys.

All yours, Intern.

This is where it gets tricky.

At 10:34 pm,

the attackers start playing dodgeball.

Though the impact pattern

is more reminiscent of tennis.

Or "pennis" in this case.

Very similar rules.

Yes, hello?

Yes.

No.

We did an MRI to get our money's worth,

and found nerve endings

all down the shaft.

After further analysis, we found that the glans

contained a brain.

A brain in the dick?

In the glans.

Intern, help with the penis.

Of course.

The work of a Frankenstein.

Unconventional, but very pro.

If it had legs, it'd get an ID.

- Know who did this? - No.

But we know whose brain it is.

DNA analysis traces it to the 70s.

The United States. Brian Sweeper.

A real slugger, if you catch my drift.

No, I don't.

- A slugger. Homeruns. - Baseball.

The bat.

- He'd hit... - Anyway, what else?

Brian had a low center of gravity.

He held his bat at crotch level and swung with his pelvis.

Wait, you're saying

that Ti-Kong had a baseball star's brain in his penis?

In his glans.

And his assailants

removed the brain after dickapitating him?

"Organ" trafficking.

How'd they... the brain?

Like straining noodles.

That's a lot of information.

This morning when I called, you mentioned a certain...

Francis.

Stop right there!

Francis doesn't even know the rules of dodgeball.

He's not involved in this.

Right, Sonia?

Nothing at all...

Alright guys, let's go!

Police! We're investigating the dickapitation of Ti-Kong!

Chief!

It's from the dry cleaner!

Start filming, Intern.

I don't wanna get slapped with misconduct.

I don't have a camera.

Then draw! Bring me that sicko.

I didn't dickapitate anyone!

Don't move!

I'm innocent!

We open at 10!

Stand firm!

They're gonna hurt him.

- They'll get him good. - You call this an arrest?

I'm afraid of a stray bullet!

He didn't do it.

Why'd you invite Ti-Kong?

You gonna start too? It was 10 years ago.

Francis is already tense. So you betray him and turn him in?

I did not!

He's been trying.

And I haven't been?

He brought up the dickslap again. It's ridiculous.

But it's true.

Were you there? No, you weren't.

Did you call him after your fight?

I dumped him, Marcus.

In front of everybody?

Yes. Some people were there.

You don't air dirty laundry in public.

- C'mon! - Let go of me!

Approach and get ironed!

I didn't kill anyone!

Francis couldn't have done this.

Sure, he's acting weird, but it's just insecurity.

Yesterday he washed delicates on the cotton setting.

He has a rash, won't take his magnesium.

You guys spend too much time together.

He can be difficult but...

with some special care,

you realize he's a diamond in the rough.

Your relationship works better than ours.

Nobody in the dryer.

He went out the back.

I have to tell them they got it all wrong.

Wait!

She's escaping!

There you go.

Look at these undies, how he respects the fabric!

He's innocent!

How could you suspect him?

Calm down, li'l lady.

We'll nab him in 48 hours, dead or alive.

Alive, and I'm not your li'l lady.

I meant no disrespect, but you are short.

Thanks.

Pretty good.

Meanwhile, put out an APB.

Lest he takes scissors to a nudist beach.

He hates nudism. And it wasn't him.

Barring new evidence,

he's our top suspect.

The first 24 hours are crucial.

With a valid metrocard, he's in the burbs by now.

You're wrong. It's really not him.

I'll say it again. For now, he's suspect number...

Meanwhile, stay in touch.

OK? If ever he contacts you...

contact us. Got my contact?

I'll contact you. Speak soon.

Those idiots wrecked the place.

They have no respect.

Francis is on the lam.

Poor guy.

We have to find the real culprit.

If he misses his snack, he'll faint.

We research Ti-Kong...

He forgot his phone!

...and find his enemies.

He'll get lost.

Where do we start?

Follow me.

TI-KONG'S MURDERER ON THE RUN

There must be a clue here.

You kept everything!

Those were happy times.

And Francis' fights?

Supposedly, there's a bootleg.

Ti-Kong.

GODZILLA VS. TI-KONG

Feng Shui...

Stay strong, Sonia. Block Ti-Kong!

Close on her eyes.

I want to see the fear

on her sweaty face.

No fooling around! Back up.

Sonia, you're a grasshopper.

Scratch him with your vag.

What happened to that scammer?

The end sucks. No worries, we'll cut.

Show me, baby.

No.

Crap.

Lame.

Yes, great! Post it to TokTok.

Hashtag boneless.

I want 20k followers by noon.

That is a surprise.

We won't stay long.

Didn't you bring Francis?

Whatcha been chopping?

- Fish. - Penis fish?

- Marcus. - It's real.

Seen Ti-Kong recently?

I heard your video store went bust.

Don't worry.

We bounced back.

Kept the trampoline?

We donated it.

- A pity. - Answer the question.

Seen Ti-Kong?

- Francis is in trouble. - I don't care!

And Ti-Kong, who knows!

He could be handing out flyers for the restaurant.

- Cutting up fish. - He's dead.

He was dickapitated.

His head?

The other head.

His intestines!

The other intestines.

Know his dick had a brain?

- I knew it was special. - Is that all?

- That's all. - Liar.

You're lying.

- What? - Liar.

He's definitely lying.

Baby! Do I know something?

- OK, then. - He's clearly lying.

How about a livestream for his followers?

You wouldn't dare!

Don't you ruin my business!

Stay cool...

They say I killed Ti-Kong. It's insane.

Sonia snitched on me, but I'm innocent.

She humiliated me in public,

betrayed me in public, dumped me in public!

That's a large public.

I just wanted a little physical contact.

Politely, too.

They say sex is the cement of a relationship.

It's the foundation.

You don't build lasting love with pine and glue.

Do they say: "Sex is the pine of relationships"?

At Christmas, maybe.

Meanwhile, she's training with Ti-Kong.

Seriously? They're all the same, buddy.

- She says it's professional. - I doubt it.

After all I've done for her?

We're there for them but they never are.

Is anyone there?

- And here? - No.

Feel around.

- Who's there? - Nobody.

Nobody. Who's here?

They're not here.

Hey, where are you?

They're not here.

From now on,

there are two of us.

You'll never be alone again.

It was a big mistake. She's totally out of my league.

She's not that pretty.

A year of celibacy!

It's torture.

- Might as well cut off my dick. - Sorry?

Can you repeat that?

Cut off my dick?

Do you hear yourself?

Are you bonkers?

Don't say that, OK?

Don't cut the branch you're sitting on.

Or you fall. If you fall, you get hurt.

And I won't always be there.

Sorry. It's just an expression.

I'm sorry. I don't like seeing you this way.

Plus, we're the same.

I can't repair things.

I can't do laundry.

The cops are after me. What should I do?

You know...

I've got a hiding place till it blows over.

- I feel weird. - No, you can do the laundry.

C'mon, say yes?

"Yes."

Go on...

It fell. What a bummer!

- No big deal. - Wait!

Just return it to the plate.

You're losing followers!

I found him in a forest. He was starving.

He was dickslapping fruit out of trees.

- What fruit? - What forest?

- I forget. - Can't remember?

Stop!

He'll kill me if I blab.

- Stop it! - Who did it?

Stop, for God's sake!

Nobody knows his name.

He's called Mad Surgeon.

His license was revoked for carving up his patients.

You're not Brazilian!

He created Ti-Kong.

He grafts the mouths of snitches.

He's a monster who creates monsters.

A sort of mechanic of the human body.

A mechanic?

Hi guys.

Michel, where are we?

Home, Francis.

Come.

Want me to bump myself?

The cable, please.

Look at this.

But how did you...

Why do you have the trampoline?

Your penis is foundational.

I loved you...

I love you...

I will love you.

Look at that.

Those fiery eyes.

Why am I in the photo?

C'mon. That's nothing.

I am the shepherd, you are the members.

To carry your balls is to carry the world.

War council, girls.

Meet me at the dojo.

On the double.

We need you! Thanks.

- I knew it. It was filmed? - Yes.

It's the only copy.

Here.

We do this every Thursday. Right, guys?

Francis!

Go, Francis!

Dickslap him!

It's the most beautiful fight ever.

Thanks, Michel.

I went in knowing I'd get my ass kicked.

You won that fight. You're the new Ti-Kong.

She said I was lying, but she was there!

She's the liar!

- Liar! - Bullshit.

She says... no sex.

I don't... understand her.

I'm too... gentle?

Genital.

It's OK to be genital.

It's gotten too hard... to be a man.

I know.

You're no mechanic, Michel.

I'm a mechanic of life, Francis.

Glasses.

Glasses.

Call me Sweeper.

Dr. Sweeper.

Doctor?

Such sweet guys.

They adore you.

I envision a world led by a new man...

and you're that man.

What do you need cleaned?

Know how women have a menstrual cycle?

Like... their period?

Their period.

Ovulation, luteal phase, mood swings,

hysteria, depression, abstinence...

The nightmare men endure.

Could we see the washbasin?

We will.

First let's shed this burden

and end the menstrual cycle.

Is that legal?

Infuriating is what it is.

Something's always wrong.

Can't make up her mind!

It's OK.

I've found the cure.

The moon controls their cycle.

I thought that was bogus.

It's in Popular Science.

We'll destroy the moon.

Turn them into docile,

obedient creatures.

We'll cleanse, Francis.

Cleanse with blood.

I prefer all-natural soaps.

Maybe we should see the machines...

We will.

No problem.

What's going on?

This brain

belongs to the original dickslapper.

The legacy of dear Dad.

Your dad?

Ti-Kong was no longer worthy. It's yours now.

It wasn't a birth defect?

First 40-pound penis transplant.

But Michel?

You killed Ti-Kong?

It's a passing of the torch.

I know you want it.

That's sweet, but mine's a lot to carry as it is.

I need to talk to Sonia. I don't feel good.

I fucked up. I have to apologize.

We had a nice time together.

Shooting pool was fun, but...

You decided to stay.

Yes, but the answer's no.

Some no's are yes's.

This is a no no.

Yes, yes.

Hold this.

- All finished. - What've you done?

You'll have 1,000 Sonias.

There's only one for me.

Thanks for showing up.

First, I owe you the truth.

I was into dickslapping.

And I idolized Ti-Kong long before he was respectable.

No kink shaming.

I shot with him once,

and realized it was a little more than shiatsu.

Did Francis really fight him?

He kicked his ass.

Go, Francis!

Our target

is this guy.

A customer who's really a mad surgeon.

He looks sweet.

Bad drawing.

He grafted Ti-Kong.

I think he killed him,

and then framed Francis.

To locate Francis, we'll hack his running app.

He jogs?

No. It measures sex speed in mph.

Diverting the signal to his implant

may give us his location.

His implant?

His contraceptive implant.

His contraceptive implant?

Aren't you abstinent?

He's part of a test group.

They're collecting data.

He wanted to spare me the pill.

Bless you.

He never said...

It's hardly heroic.

Few guys I know would do that.

- I don't know one. - I never will.

I'm connecting to his account.

You know his password?

It's been 10 years.

"Pookie" is so infantilizing.

Thank you!

Did the bypasses take?

The spongy tissue is responding well.

Great!

Leave him under anesthesia till the root sets.

Estimate?

Theoretical length is 3 ft 2 in.

That's right, boys!

An inch more than last time.

New record. Great work!

Superb!

Thanks, Francis, and bravo.

What?

78 mph. What is this score?

It's a bug. Imagine the thrusts.

Or he found someone.

More like a small team.

Sorry.

The app points to Oak Observatory.

Built in 1857. Damaged in the war.

Current owner:

Unknown.

We shot every angle.

Scoped it out good.

Get down!

It's well-guarded for a ruin.

6 ft minimum.

Strong arms. Bubble butts.

A lot of them.

There are pecs.

Their hands have experience

groping breasts and butts.

It's a prison with only 2 ways in.

Front and back.

These are clearer. I zoomed in.

He's a hottie.

Yeah.

Ninon, you go first.

Operation diversion.

Got it.

Marion, you go first.

Where's Francis, scumbag?

Still got the laundry van, Marcus?

Yes.

- We'll fake... - Perfect.

- ...a delivery. - Too bad.

Wassup, guys? Laundry's here.

But where are we?

Van's too small. Won't work.

Marcus, go in solo.

Take the hall, scope it out, half-turn.

Toss the laundry. You run and then...

You never know.

Let's do this.

Down here!

- Is 62 calls harassment? - Well, no.

At the end of the tunnel is...

sex, sex, sex...

The old brain is resisting.

Normal.

- Cardio? - Check.

- Blood flow? - Check.

Brace operational.

Drainage in 3, 2, 1...

Draining.

Sonia?

Where are we?

The recovery room.

It's me, everything is fine.

Pardon me.

Sorry! It wasn't me!

Down, boy!

It's a reflex. Everything is fine.

What've you done, Michel!

Relax. It's there to make you stronger.

I don't care! I want to see Sonia!

Fusion will soon be complete. I'm proud of you!

Excuse me. Sorry!

Give him another magnesium.

What the hell is this?

Why's there a picture of Francis?

What are they doing?

Dick tag.

They're so accurate.

Look at that one!

The violence of it!

- See Francis? - No, there's too many of them.

That's him! That's Michel!

From the dry cleaner!

Gentlemen, gather round.

Brothers,

the brain has joined its host

and thanks to you,

the Totem is now erect.

What'd we get ourselves into?

Yes!

That's right!

Well done!

Well done, guys!

Well done, brothers!

Looking at you, what do I see?

I see love.

Fuck, do I see love!

Overflowing love.

It's here, dripping.

It's all over, we're knee-deep in it.

And nobody wants this love.

They'll finally pay

for all their sneering looks.

For leaving us hanging on the dance floor.

For the late-night texts:

actually they can't come by.

Last-minute work meeting?

Couldn't she have given a heads-up?

What's it cost to send a text?

What's it cost?

Nothing!

Nothing.

This isn't 2002.

Plans are unlimited now, brothers.

Unlimited!

They'll pay.

Was it a crime to say I had experience?

Couldn't she understand?

Couldn't she see I was lying?

She ripped off my boxers...

Is modesty a crime?

Well, is it?

Want to handcuff me?

I'm breaking out of my chains!

Yes!

Know who I had for bio?

Mrs. Bouffard.

She used fruit to demonstrate love.

Talk about lame teaching!

Lame!

And it's inconsiderate.

A banana is huge!

A banana is fucking huge!

Don't they realize it damages our ego?

Don't they realize it can destroy a man?

Bad banana!

Bad banana!

Bad banana!

Perhaps a small banana...

and even then!

Why resort to fruit, damn it?

What's average? Not that.

A banana is above average,

what's the point? It's inhumane.

Oh, size doesn't matter? My ass!

My ass it doesn't! They're lying to us.

Liars!

Liars!

Hush!

They'll pay, brothers. They'll pay.

I'm telling you, hold onto this...

To your little heart.

Your bruised heart.

Rip it out.

And drop it onto the Totem Pole of redemption.

Whiteboard.

What are you doing?

Think I can peek over it

without seeing my own notes.

He's a sicko.

I'll explain how it works.

Look at these complex diagrams.

Picture the totem-bearer

striking the strength tester...

What is that?

...and tripping the space laser.

A sex toy?

No, a carnival attraction.

This new world...

Hit it hard enough and you ring the bell.

...rises before us...

It looks like a cannon to me.

...realizing all our dreams.

Love!

And sex.

I love you.

We love you too.

You didn't say it.

I love you.

Didn't hear you.

I love you.

Again.

So do I.

Here's the plan. We strike here.

And here.

And here I promise a hormonal storm

that will make even the most rebellious women

far less rebellious.

Places for the ritual.

The Totem requires your attention.

Renewal approaches.

- They're gonna dickslap the moon! - No!

Yes! Marcus is right.

It's a canon. They're gonna dickslap the moon.

It'll disrupt our cycles.

Our uteruses will explode!

There'll be a tampon shortage.

Nobody's sure the moon acts on periods.

97%.

Says who?

I won't tell you.

- Cosmo. - Shit.

97% isn't 100.

We're gonna die.

No, we won't.

Get that cannon unplugged,

and I'll find Francis.

Good luck.

- Go on, Marcus. - I'm going.

Go on.

I'm going.

- Then go! - I'll go.

This is not a drill!

Come on!

You're not the boss of me!

Fuck!

You're not the boss of me!

I've come for you!

Sonia! No, don't look! It's nothing.

What is that?

It's not what you think.

A giant cock in armor?

OK, it is what you think...

I just wanted a sexless year. Your penis was fine.

Blame Michel Sweeper!

Sure, your pal's fault.

It has a life of its own!

It's trying to talk to me.

It's the brain.

Fuck!

The brain.

Michel's dead dad's brain is in the cock stuck to me.

We'll remove it, but how?

This can't be!

How's it attached?

It wants to go to the moon.

Don't listen to it!

I want to hug you.

- But it might be a trap. - Probably.

Stop it!

Sorry!

It's OK.

It's getting hard again!

We'll tie it up.

Shoot!

Stop!

- What are you doing? - It's not me!

I'm sorry!

It's taking over your body.

That must be the off switch.

I'm not feeling it.

3 vs. 5 is doable.

I only see 2 of you.

We'll run at them screaming.

On three...

Nothing personal, but we have a button to push.

And it is kinda personal.

It feels like a huge cramp.

- It's not a muscle. - What then?

Tighten your pelvic floor!

- What's that? - I've explained 100 times.

Don't lose control like Ti-Kong did a decade ago.

You want that?

No, I want to spank you with a ping-pong racket.

Huh? No!

It took back control.

This is crazy. I swear it's not me.

Homerun!

What?

I dickslap you!

- Here titty-titties! - Crude.

Behind you!

Beautiful! Very impressive!

Gently stroke it.

I'll catch it off guard.

It's cold.

Marcus, you're useless! Get the van!

OK.

I wanted to say I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

You were right. I'm too genital.

To be fair, it's an ambiguous term.

I'm gonna die.

It's draining my blood.

Don't say that. You won't die.

Keep talking...

Tell me about our first kiss.

After I fought Ti-Kong?

No, our first real kiss.

At the little Mexican place by the beach.

It was wonderful.

Remember? The guy left us the keys...

We danced all night.

I stepped on your feet.

Like you are now.

I drooled on your shoulder.

The burritos were amazing.

They were tacos...

- I see burritos everywhere. - That's normal.

I think it's calming down.

Great. Let's keep talking.

What's in burritos?

Corn...

Cheese...

Guacamole...

There are two schools, but yes.

- Beans? - Yes.

Red beans.

Thanks. Are you OK?

Aww, aren't they cute?

No, it's him. Michel.

You came for him.

You've gone up in my esteem.

Wait, that's him?

Hello, Sonia.

- Did you graft that on him? - Yes.

Frigid!

What'd you tell him?

- What? - How'd you talk him into this?

I didn't.

You did all the work.

The deprivation...

The way you crush our ego, confidence, potential.

Francis isn't your toy.

Well...

I have a screen here

that says otherwise.

Transplant complete.

Bye, Sonia.

It's time!

This world is dirty!

But Francis...

is here to cleanse it.

Come here.

Come, brother.

Come.

Thank you, Francis!

But it's huge!

It's sizable.

It's horrible.

Sonia, any ideas?

Thank you, Francis!

He's gonna dickslap the sex toy?

10 yards to live.

But I'm too young to die!

I love you!

I've tried everything.

Come!

Pookie!

Francis!

Listen to me.

I know you're lost.

The world is changing too fast.

I'm counting to 3.

You can't change overnight,

but I know you're trying.

After 10 years together, we have to reinvent ourselves.

Know that I still need you...

but I have needs too.

Time for myself, see?

I know you're afraid of getting left behind...

of not measuring up.

But stop thinking with your dick!

I know you can do it!

So come back to us.

Come back!

Step aside or else!

Stay where you are!

Should I press here?

- Here, take this. - I'm cold.

Hush! It'll be OK.

I like being held.

Why are they circling?

Cut it out!

What's the plan now?

Shut up!

Thanks for rescuing me.

I could never abandon you.

I gave you the greatest gift,

the most generous,

and you cockblock me?

You've dashed my spatial dickslap dreams,

and ruined everything.

Seriously, you're dead.

You're too genital.

"Genital" is not a word!

The sword.

I'll break your necks.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Dick tag!

That's cheating. They have no dicks.

Let go of him!

Calm down, Michel!

Never!

You're getting on my nerves!

Stop! I don't want to play!

Stop now or you'll regret it!

Marcus!

Francis...

Sonia was right.

Stay with me, buddy.

I've been thinking...

It wasn't you who needed me,

it was the reverse.

My resignation.

Let me read it.

Now?

"Dear Francis...

"It's been an honor working with you,

"but I've my own path.

"P.S.

"Turn off the power on weekends,

"and descale machine...

"#3."

I will.

Got a stain.

Made you look...

It's over, Michel.

It's not over!

Stop!

- Stay back! - Don't be a fool, Michel.

Don't move! Don't touch me!

I gave you the world. You blew it.

I feel your pain. I've struggled too.

Not like I did, stop!

- Stop. - What?

No, you stop!

This world disgusts me, Francis.

Your world is too small.

Maybe you had a bad experience.

I've had a thousand. Only bad ones.

Bullshit. Not a thousand.

2 or 3, same thing.

It's easy for you.

Sonia came for you.

Nobody's coming for me.

I came for you.

Oh, I see.

Get off.

Watch me.

I'll show you what it means to be a man.

Be brave, Marcus.

It misfired!

Francis!

Look, no period!

Girls, come help me!

Help me!

In here.

Marcus, find his penis, please.

You OK?

I'm happy we made up.

It was crazy to cut off your dick.

It'll grow back.

Got it! Here.

Yes, it's this one.

It's in Popular Science.

Hold his dick.

I'm not holding his dick!

We're gonna do it. We have to!

- He'll be so grateful. - Think so?

Look, there's still a lot left.

It's flowing.

It's flowing!

Well, I have to tell you the ending.

Michel, your strength tester got misaligned.

It skewed everything by 4 inches.

You missed the moon.

Just goes to show, 4 inches can save the world!

I don't mean you, Ti-Kong.

I know you tried to change things in your own way.

Sonia did a hack job on my stitches,

so she...

finished me off with tape.

Careful of the bandages.

Sorry.

I went to a specialist.

It's healing nicely. I think.

All this brought us closer.

It's been 1 year without sex.

A year without sex. All done.

The doctors say it'll take another 2 months to heal.

Oh really?

The dojo reopened...

I can feel your energy!

It went co-ed. Business is booming.

Once it's warm,

feminine and masculine energy fuse.

Got it?

Marcus finally took vacation.

Weird being at the dry cleaner alone.

But I'm happy for him.

Sorry, you're gone.

INSERT EPITAPH HERE

I'm sure

with a little work

the 3 of us could've been friends.

Well...

Bye, guys.

- You OK? - It's my nose, I think.

You think this penis is giant.

And it is. Let's not kid ourselves.

He looks pissed.

That's me.

OK, girls.

Most important meridian.

We stimulate it as much as we can.

Voodoo ritual,

cigar cutting accident, nothing's off the table.

Watch the private parts.

You OK, Intern?

Honey?

Honey?

Come untie me, please.

Hi.

How've you been?

I didn't hear anything.

How've you been?

I have a little...

back pain.

Could someone call the...

ambulance...

or a chiropractor...

Holy cow!

We hope you liked the film.

That you laughed a lot...

and understood the message...

That is...

Women are liars and you should avoid them...

like the plague.

Holy cow!

Every Thursday,

we hold screenings

but also workshops...

Gotcha! I'm still here.

Seriously, if you could just call a...