All language subtitles for Top Gear - S09E04.eng

Tonight, one small stumble for
man as we build a space shuttle.

I drive a nuclear bomb
disguised as a Mercedes.

And Simon Pegg makes a Hot
Fuzz in our reasonably priced car.

Help!

You're wrong.
You're wrong.

Hello and welcome
to an argument.

You see, there are two types,
two types of petrolhead.

You've got idiots like this
who like the Porsche 911,

then you got people like me,
who'd rather have anthrax than a 911,

'cause I'm a Ferrari person.

Yes, but when you
actually owned a Ferrari,

you couldn't leave it
parked on the street,

go out for dinner in it
or anything,

'cause you spent the whole meal
worrying about who was bumping into it

or carving their name into
it's precious paintback.

True. I once left the roof off and it
was so full of phlegm when I got back

I could have swum home but...

Exactly, and therefore,
as a result of that

it spent its entire life cowering
at home in your garage

and when you were eventually
brave enough to want to use it,

by that time, the battery
was flat. It was hopeless!

Yes, I know, but a Ferrari with a
flat battery is an aesthetic thing.

You can enjoy looking at it,
that's the...

Yes, but it's not moving.
That's why I love the 911

because you can use it
every day to go to places.

It's a car!

And now,
there's a new turbo version,

which we asked him to drive
in the hope he'd see the light.

This is the biggest 911 Turbo
they've ever made,

but it's still no longer
than a Toyota Prius,

no wider than a 3 Series BMW.

And unlike a normal supercar, it
doesn't have Marilyn Monroe hips,

so it doesn't get stuck in
multi-storey car parks.

What's more, it's not like threading
through traffic in a post-box.

In a Ferrari, you can't really
see where the buses are

so you can't carve them up.

But in this,

you can!

In a Ferrari you'd be
forever worried about

graunching the nose
on a speed hump.

But not in the 911.

And it doesn't even harm
the sky very much, either.

It may have a flat six,

twin turbo engine,

but it only produces
300 carbon dioxides.

That's a 100 less than you get
from the back of a Ferrari 430.

If you drive this car through
a really polluted city,

Los Angeles, Calcutta,
Harrogate, something like that,

the gas coming out of the
exhaust pipes is less toxic

than the air
going into the engine.

And I'm not joking.
That's true.

This then is like a small, efficient,
easy-to-use vacuum cleaner.

They should've called it
the Porsche Dyson.

And it'll suck up your
luggage too, because,

unlike any other supercar, its boot is
easily big enough for your weekly shop.

There is the peach
and peacock,

the cornerstone of any
Porsche driver's Sunday lunch.

And there's still room
left over for the ice cream

made from the bones of
your defeated squash opponent.

And you can use this car on the
school run, because it has back seats.

I mean, obviously, you'd
have to have fairly thin children,

but then you would have,
because you've got a Porsche 911,

so you'd have a thin wife.

I will concede, then,

that there's no everyday situation
that flummoxes a 911 Turbo.

And so, because you
can use it every day,

its battery won't be flat
when the moment is right...

...and you fancy a drive.

The new 911 Turbo has special,
variable veined turbo chargers

that always work,
whatever the revs.

You can even buy a special
over-boost facility

which, for brief moments,
can deliver 500 torques.

That gives it a very
muscle-ly feel.

And it's got a special new
4-wheel drive system

that doesn't allow any form
of under or oversteer.

You just get so much grip
that your eyes start to hurt.

It's like being
in a capsule of speed.

So, when the sun goes down,

you can really get cracking.

Okay, let's engage the
stability management program

and put it in sport mode.

That's changed things a bit.

Now, every time
I turn the steering wheel,

it feels like I'm drawing a line
through the laws of physics.

This is not driving.
This is pure maths.

So how does it compare to
my beloved Ferrari?

Well, it has a smaller engine,

but because of the scram jet turbo
chargers, it produces 480 break horsepower,

exactly what you get
from the 430.

But then this is lighter
than the Ferrari,

thanks to aluminium doors which
weigh just 11 kilograms each.

It's also £20,000
less expensive.

Sure, it isn't as exciting
as the Ferrari,

it's more about engineering
than passion,

but I will admit the end
results are astonishing!

Let me give you
some performance figures.

Naught to 60, 3.9 seconds.

Top speed,
near as makes no difference

200 miles an hour.

But this is my favourite,
okay,

40 to 60 in second gear...

...one second!

One!

It's amazing, because

it's not just more usable
than a Ferrari, more practical,

but I think out here,
in the real world,

with crests and dips and
bumps and blind brows,

I think it's faster as well.

I really do.

Ah, you see!

Ladies...
Ladies and gentlemen...

We must all rejoice because
Clarkson has finally caught the bug!

No, I haven't.
I still prefer the Ferrari.

Well, hang on, you've just
spent the last six minutes

wasting our time telling us how
that's faster, more powerful, lighter

and more practical. How
could you... And cheaper.

The thing is, now, I'm sorry,

that's like sitting in a Volkswagen
Beetle with mustard up his bottom.

As in...

Well, it's better than sitting a car that
won't start but just looks a bit pretty.

Look, can we just...

Can I say, this argument's
been going on for 40 years,

it will go on for another 40.

The correct place is in the
pub, so we will do the news.

No, 'cause I've just thought
of something else, okay.

It's really simple.
It's all to do with...

I have passion
for the Ferrari.

I respect that, but I have...
It's like David Attenborough.

I respect David Attenborough,
I mean, just infinite respect.

In the same way
as I respect that car.

But I have no passion for him I
don't want to make love to him.

- Yeah, but...
- That's all I'm saying.

But I have respect and passion
for the 911.

There you are, you've
just admitted on television

you wanna make love
to David Attenborough.

He's just said that.

Your logic, sometimes, mate, is
the most warped thing... I don't...

Shut up!

Okay?

- We shall do the news.
- Right.

And now, the news.

And we begin, this week...

Oh, bloody hell.

With...

With...

With...

With the Porsche 911.

More specifically,
the Porsche 911 GT3 RS.

Oh, now, that is the business!

It's faster, lighter, it's tauter,
it's possibly the ultimate 911.

In the same way that Ebola
is the ultimate tropical disease.

What's all that scaffolding
in the back?

Well, it's a roll cage,
but when you take...

No, I'm sorry. If I see
scaffolding around a building

I'll go, "They haven't
finished that yet."

I'm sorry, I'm gonna say
they haven't finished.

No, it's a roll cage!

Look, I will admit
that's perhaps...

The only problem with this
otherwise brilliant car

is that it's
not the most practical.

If you want to pop down
to the newspaper shop,

you've got to clamber in
over the roll cage,

lower yourself
into the bucket seat,

do up the 6 point
race harness,

prime the fire extinguisher
system. It's gonna take time.

So in the real world, my 1.2-litre
Panda is faster to the shops?

- No, mate, it's just not.
- No, it is.

I've only have to put
the seatbelt on once.

You've got to do it six times.

Okay, I've got to do that and then
wait whilst you put your seatbelts on

and then do all
your pre-flight checks

and make sure
the air vents are all...

Can I move this along?
Do you mind?

Is it all right, because I've got
something that's bugging me.

Has anyone see these average speed
cameras they're kicking around now?

You know what I mean?

See, I was flying on the M25 the
other day through the roadworks

had to do an average of 40 mph

measured by two cameras, one
at the beginning, one at the end.

That's impossible!

It's impossible
because you drive along

and you're sort of
looking around and go.

"Oh, Lord, I'm doing 42,"
because I'm going downhill.

You think "Oh, God, I've
been doing that for half a mile

"so now I need to do
half a mile at 38."

Which means that you can
only look at the speedometer,

you can't look at anything
else. Only the speedometer.

You're going through roadworks
on the M25 in the rain at rush hour!

And I know what they're
doing here. It's the government.

Gordon Brown has worked out

that he's got to pay all our pensions,
'cause we're all gonna live forever.

They're trying to kill us off!

But I know how
to get round it.

Go past the first camera,
pull over,

get the newspaper out,
read it,

listen to the radio
for 10 minutes,

do a 120
for the rest of the way.

That's not quite right,
actually.

Because I can prove the way to keep
traffic moving through the roadworks,

- which is where those average speed cameras are...
- Yeah?

- ...is for everybody to go faster from the start.
- Yeah?

It's all down to the work of the
Swiss physicist Daniel Bernoulli.

- You're familiar with him?
- Oh, him.

- Thought so.
- He isn't!

- He is.
- He's never heard of him.

What he essentially proved
was that in a system,

the pressure and volume multiplied
together must be a constant.

So if you've got a busy
motorway and it gets thinner,

and there's less space
for the cars to go through,

they must go faster for the
flow-rate of cars to remain the same.

So it's like when you put your
thumb over the end of a hose pipe

- the water comes out quicker.
- That's exactly what it's like.

So how fast then, if you take a
three-lane motorway down to one lane,

how fast does the traffic have to move
in order to keep the flow-rate the same?

Well, the formula would be VN
would be LO over LR times VE.

So how fast is...

Which is 210.

- 210 mph! Well, there you go, ladies and gentlemen!
- Fair enough!

All buy Bugattis and Zondas
to cure congestion.

Now, of course,
the big news this week,

that's been occupying
all the bulletins

is that 1.5, I think 1.5 million
people have signed this petition

protesting about the plans to implement
road charging. Pay as you go stuff.

If you want to add your name to
that petition, here is the address.

Okay, that's the address.

Obviously, this being the BBC,

if you think rate pricing
is a good idea

and you want to register
your thoughts on that.

There's a website too.
There it is.

And, um...

Best of luck with that.

The Mitsubishi Evo, we love
that car, it's a great car, isn't it?

Well, This is the new one,
the Evo X.

This is what it's
probably gonna look like.

They've loaded it
with loads of technology.

- Again it's got all these initials, ACD...
- Good.

- AYC...
- Good.

- ASC, SAWC...
- Yeah. Mmm...

- MIVEC...
- Keep talking to me like that!

If it's got all the technology

- I mean really road crossing technology...
- It has.

...and it looks as good
as that. Oh!

- Suddenly why do you need supercars?
- Yeah, why do you?

- 'Cause if it looks like that and goes as well as it could.
- Yeah.

There is a slight warning associated
with those cars. Those big cars.

Of all that technology,
I mean they really do...

- They go beyond flattering you when you drive it.
- Mmm.

They sort of...
Well, they become...

It's a bit like
one of those automatic pianos

where you play in it and then take
your hands off and it carries on playing.

There's a danger
to cars like that

if you've got passengers with you and
they're looking at you admiringly thinking.

"Wow, what a brilliant driver,
you're excellent."

Don't take your hands off the
wheel to turn around because...

- It will keep going.
- And you'll look an idiot.

A couple of times recently
on the programme,

we've said that
there'll never be a car

to beat the Bugatti Veyron
in our lifetime.

It's the ultimate expression of automotive
engineering and will be for some time.

Turns out we might've been
wrong, because look at this!

This is called the Melling Hellcat.
I've got some figures for you.

It's got a 6-litre,
quad turbo V10,

1,175 bhp,

and a top speed,
they're saying, of 270 mph.

- Oh, rubbish!
- What?

That's rubbish! I bet you
that's not slippery enough.

- You mean not aerodynamic enough?
- Yeah.

Can you please not ask me
to be the one to find out.

I just don't fancy it.

Hey, last week, did you see the
American programme? Last week?

Yes.

We, you know we got into a spot of
bother in a petrol station in Alabama.

Turned out we missed a trick.

'Cause you know when that
woman came out and she said.

"Are you gay or are you looking
to get beat up in a hip town?"

You know what?

And I said, "Oh, no, no, I'm
actually married with three children."

If only you'd said, "Well, actually
I'm married with two children"

we could've just
pointed at bachelor boy here.

The one
with long hair, is it?

Exactly! Watch them kick
the snot out of him!

- Chaps...
- Yeah.

...news from the BBC. Okay.

If you're a BBC employee and
you drive fleet cars or hire cars,

you've now got to go
on a safe driving programme.

- Well, we drive those. Do we have to...
- We do. Yes, we do.

- No way!
- I'm absolutely not kidding. It says here,

"BBC...
Driving is now acknowledged

"as one of the most serious
work-related health and safety issues."

It isn't! It's just something that's
more comfortable than walking.

And then it goes on, "The
BBC's committed in reducing

"the risks associated
with this activity."

They're making it sound like
masturbation!

- Stop driving, you'll go blind!
- Exactly.

I've got some of the questions

and I'd like to share,
some of the questions.

BBC employees have to face,
with you, okay.

Are you ready? We'll bring
them up on the screen. There.

"You have a blow out on the
motorway," one for you here, Hammond,

"what instinctive reaction...

"What instinctive reaction
should you avoid?"

"Accelerating."

What?
As if, "My tyre's gone!"

This is instinctive reactions?

- "Taking your hands off the steering wheel"?
- Well, That'll help.

They're just maniacs.

I'm so irritated by this. I
can't believe it. And then...

Exceeding the speed limit
in a built-up area

is acceptable in vehicles fitted
with anti-lock braking systems.

- What?
- "Do you strongly disagree, disagree or strongly agree?"

It's not gonna be an excuse,
is it?

"Yeah, officer, it's okay,

"I was doing a 110 through
the village, I have ABS."

Yeah, no ticket for me.

"Why are you looking angry
with me, officer?"

"What's the primary hazard
facing drivers when driving at night?"

Anyone want to hazard
a guess at that?

No, hang on. Yeah, go on.

Yeah?

What?

- The dark.
- The dark. Anything else?

- Germans!
- Germans.

- These are all valid points...
valid points.

None of these things are on my
list. Anybody else got any thoughts?

- Peasants.
- Peasants!

No, it's "Glare from
other vehicle's head lamps.

"Cyclists in dark clothing."

That's their own fault for not
working hard enough and having a car.

"Fatigue and staying alert."

And it now means you've got to spend
20 minutes next week failing the test

and then going on a course.

I'm sorry, we won't be here,
ladies and gentlemen, next week.

But we'll be much safer
drivers when we get back.

Now here on Top Gear, as you
know, we like a bit of a challenge.

We've made amphibious cars,
we've made a convertible people carrier

but now time to see if we
can conquer the final frontier.

- Space.
- No.

- Hang on. What do you mean, "No"?
- No.

No, you see,
we wanted to find out

if you could make a car
into a spaceship.

Yes. And I thought this was the single
stupidest idea I'd ever heard in my life

and refused to have
any part in it.

Ah, you see, but you'd underestimated
the genius of our space-based plan.

One of the problems with space
rockets is that they're jolly expensive.

The super powers
spend billions

trying to get their hardware
up amongst the stars.

But we thought you could do it
for a lot less cash

if you based your space rocket
on a car.

That meant getting hold of the most
rocket-shaped car we could think of.

Yes, it's been around
for 30 years,

and for 29 of those years
it's been a complete joke.

Now though, we're gonna see if the Reliant
Robin has the makings of a spaceship.

Its light, it's cheap and it
tapers to a point like a rocket.

So we're already heading
in the right direction.

But we're not gonna
strap rockets to it,

set it off and
wave it goodbye.

Because we're gonna see

if we can turn it into the
most difficult of all spacecraft.

The one that has to take off
and be used again.

A space shuttle.

If you're eight, you're probably
gonna want to see what happens next.

Our first job had been to
put a call in to the rocketeers.

These were the men who helped
to send a Mini down a ski jump

for the
Top Gear Winter Olympics.

Three, two, one! Initiate!

James and I convened a meeting
at their headquarters

just outside the
Derbyshire town of Glossop.

It's not exactly the
Kennedy Space Center, is it?

Oh, I don't know.

Inside we'd assembled
a motley crew of boffins.

Right, gentlemen,
what we want from you is

the most difficult type
of space rocket.

A...

space shuttle.

This has to work properly.

It has to have
the big fuel tank,

it has to have
the booster rockets,

they all have to separate,
and most importantly

we have to be able to bring it
back down under control to a landing.

And it's worth saying as well
that nobody is going to go in this.

- Yeah.
- But it has to be landed.

Yeah, the idea of this is that we
will send it up to a few thousand feet.

What we're doing is
testing the principle

if you can make all this work and we
can bring it into this controlled landing

we will probably get funding from
the EU for a proper space mission.

So you want to launch it.
Jettison the SRB.

- Jettison the SRB.
- Jettison the orbiter.

- And fly it down.
- What's the orbiter?

- The Reliant.
- Right.

- Have you got a spare billion dollars though?
- No.

You see,
that why we've come to you.

Because you're form Manchester
and you'll be able to do it for 10 and six.

And there'll be as much tea
as you can drink.

Yeah, chips in lard,
everything. Anything you want.

The rocket men did some
calculations on the back of a laptop.

How do we make
this bloody thing work?

Well,
we've got the Robin.

They've given us Robin,
haven't they.

- That's a starting point.
- Whoopee. Whoopee. Whoopee.

We've got a Robin!

An hour later and it looks as though
Jeremy might have had a point.

It is difficult
in every single way.

Right.

You've got a Reliant Robin,

- it's a car so it's really, really heavy.
- Yeah.

So rough numbers,

we're gonna need about 12 times
the amount of power that the Mini had...

Really?

It's the largest non-commercial
rocket launched in Europe.

It's the most powerful non-commercial
rocket launched in Europe.

Right.

As a rocket, it's the most
awful shape it could ever be.

But I thought the Robin was a
good place to start because...

It's pointy at one end.

That's as far
as we got with that.

It's pointy, shuck, yeah.

Nevertheless, they set
to work with James in tow.

While May was in his element in
the world's biggest allotment shed...

Aw! Look at that!

I was trying to work out
how to land a Reliant Robin.

If rockets are deployed...

Land it like that.

I wrestled with the problem for
ages before I had a brainwave.

Hello. Is that
Model Airplane monthly?

Great. I need some help...

This, I think, is the answer, if in a more
powerful version well, of whatever this is,

to our space shuttle.

Then we take control of it from the
ground after it's jettisoned its rocket

and fly it in by remote.
It's a good plan.

Just gotta get good at flying!

I thought it best
to sack myself from this job

and instead hired
Steve Holland,

a champion
model aeroplane pilot.

Yeah, now that is
more like it, Steve.

How are you at flying cars?

- Cars?
- Small cars.

With Steve the pilot on board, I
went back to check on James' build,

and I was in for a shock.

Bloody hell, James!

It's enormous!

That's a solid rocket booster,
there are two of those.

That hasn't even got
its nose cone on yet.

It's actually a bit bigger
than that.

But it's... I was thinking
firework on a stick.

I know. So was I.

But that isn't
the biggest bit.

No, the external fuel tank
was the biggest bit,

complete with extra rockets
in the bottom

then there were more rockets
in the Reliant,

and explosive bolts
to separate everything.

The whole construction was
mind-bogglingly complicated.

What occurs to me now is
the list of things to go wrong...

- Is enormous.
- Yeah.

And if any one of them
goes wrong...

See, I've been worried
about the landing.

The chances of getting as far as
the landing on the day, are now...

- How did you get on with your flying, by the way?
- Good.

The next problem was a biggie.

The rocketeers were worried that
because of the Robin's odd shape,

the whole shuttle would spear
off course during the ascent.

So, we're happy
we've got the power.

Yeah, eight tonnes of thrust.

And the thing only weighs
one-and-a-half so it's gonna go somewhere.

It's not going to work, is it?

- Well, it's got to work. We're a long way into it now.
- What's that?

Yeah, I know, but if you look at it
like this it makes a lot more sense.

May, we've got to make sure
it doesn't just launch.

I mean like...

It could fall onto its back
in the sky or anything.

This isn't about power now.

This is about the shape of it and
how that will affect where it goes.

Where it goes.
It's aerodynamic.

We need an aerodynamics expert
to look at all this stuff.

One grovelling phone call to the
University of the West of England,

and we secured permission
to use their wind tunnel.

And because it was free, we
assumed it was self-service.

- Go!
- Well, what do you mean, "Go"? I don't know what...

Do that!

That's good!

No matter how hard he tried,

James couldn't make himself
into the shape of a Reliant Robin,

even with help.

Thankfully,
two eggheads arrived

with the scale model
of our shuttle.

You see a beard like that and
you know you're in safe hands.

Yup.

Well, basically, we're looking for
anything aerodynamically nasty.

Yeah, the Reliant is a problem
aerodynamically.

Well, they didn't really design
it with this in mind, did they?

Is there any wash-out
or wash-in on the wings?

Basically it's simple...
symmetrical aerofoils.

I don't know
what you two are saying.

- Well, there is the aerofoil section of the wing...
- Duh...

Right.

So, the big question,

will it fly?

I took it from his silence
that he had his doubts.

And he wasn't alone.

Like the real thing, our shuttle would
glide back to earth without power.

And Steve, our pilot, had also built
a model to show how well it did this.

What is it actually going to
feel like to fly, do you think?

Well, it's gonna come down
like a lift with the cable cut.

You're not filling me
with hope, Steve.

Well, most normal aeroplanes,
they sort of glide for about, you know,

they fly 20 feet forward, they
lose about a foot in height.

Yeah.

I'm afraid the Robin
is the other way round.

Three, two, one...

And when the model was
released from its tow plane...

It's just plummeting
to the Earth!

I'd rather you than me,
I tell you!

So, there were doubts about
our space shuttle going up.

And doubts about it
coming down.

But it was too late to worry
now because she was ready

and on her way
to the launch site.

Don't worry,
I still like cars, I promise!

Anyway, we'll pick up
the ludicrous story later on,

but now it's time to put a star
in our reasonably priced car.

My guest tonight is the hero of a
new American Hollywood action film

that's set in a sleepy British
village, sort of Die Heart... beat.

Anyway, here he is,
Simon Pegg!

How are you?

Good to see you! Have a seat.

A superstar!

Now, uh, I gotta say

- we don't really do plugging very much on this show.
- Yeah.

I'm not very good at it.
I also like to say how it is.

- You know?
- You keep it real.

Yes, if some warbler comes up
with a new record that's terrible

we gonna say,
"Your record is terrible."

But your new film, Hot Fuzz,

- man, that's funny!
- Good.

As far as I can work out,

the idea is to make British
cops cool, is that right?

Yes, we just thought, there's
been a big sort of tradition of.

British films
being about the gangsters

and being about
the crime sort of world

because it's easier to
make them look cool

because they've got shooters
and stuff, you know.

Whereas the British cops, it's slightly
against them in terms of their cool.

It's a very traditional force,

you know the uniforms only
just starting to get practical,

- and so, it's hard to be cool and a British cop.
- Hmm.

And the one thing
that was difficult

for our police force in terms of
the cool-o-metre is the pointy tall hat

which pregnant women
are still allowed to wee in...

That's true.

If they're caught short
in the town centre.

You're allowed to wee
in a policeman's hat?

Absolutely.
If you're pregnant.

I can claim that!

- Come here, officer.
Ooh, thanks a lot, mate!

So some other people can know what we're
on about, we've got a clip of this film.

- Okay.
- And it's the bit in the supermarket.

- Yes.
- When they have a gunfight.

- We do, the Battle of Somerfield!
- So, let's have a look at that.

It is... it is marvellous, that.

Now... first question I've got to ask...
Did Somerfield's let you do that or-?

Yeah they did. I've got maximum
respect for Somerfield now.

Because we wrote them a letter, said we
were gonna have a fight, they said alright.

- And the other, of course, we gotta get on to car chases.
- Yeah.

Again the American car tends to
be rear-wheel drive in a police chase.

You used Astra diesels.

Nothing but the best.

Well, that's what, you know, a lot of
the police are kind of lumbered with.

And because actually the chase is...
It's another Astra diesel in the chase,

it's like fire and ice.

That chase would never end until the
fuel ran out. Do you know what I mean?

'Cause there's no...
They're the same.

Two Astra's
chasing each other.

It's like the immovable force
and the unstoppable object.

The other awful thing
about the Astra diesel is

you know those World's Wildest
Police Chase Videos thing.

- Yeah.
- I once watched one of those in America.

And they said, "We got a
clip from England now..."

I'm just dying of shame.

And sure enough it went around
a corner on a housing estate

and bumped into a plant pot.

Imagine!

Now you say you had some
driver training for the film.

Did you have gun training
as well?

We did a couple of days. I
was pretty proficient anyway.

- I'm a great shot.
- You a gun man?

I've got a bunch or weapons.
I pack heat.

We had some amazing days
of just...

Whole days running through
Wells town centre

firing off the Winchester
1300 M pump action shot guns.

- The 1300 M.
- It's a lovely weapon.

Yeah. I like the way you throw
the model name in there.

Nick Frost calls it...
He called it Emma.

He was that attached to it.

And when we were doing Spaced,
he had to dismantle a gun for the show.

So he took a replica MP5
home, which is a machine gun.

He took all his clothes off.

No, he...

He stripped to the waist.
It was summertime.

And he put a blindfold on
and was kind of doing this.

Took the blindfold off
to check the watch

and there were eight armed
police officers in the living room

with their guns drawn,
like you know,

and they made their decision that if
Nick went like that as opposed to that,

which is what he did,
they were gonna shoot him.

- Really?
- Yeah. And he phoned me afterwards.

Simon, they've come to...

And he said... Apparently he was
going "I'm an actor. I'm an actor."

And there were like
"Where's you Equity card?"

"They've changed the ruling,
you don't need one any more."

Now, can I just move on,
'cause films,

- you're a bit of a buff I gather.
- I am a bit.

- Star Wars, in particular.
- Yeah, absolutely.

Did you not once write
a 3,500-word essay

on why you thought
C-3PO was gay?

No, no.

That was a part of it.

What I wrote was...
I analysed Star Wars

from a Marxist perspective
in terms of saying...

...what it was, was the idea that
there were lots of things in Star Wars

that are pretty right-winged.

It came after Vietnam.

It was a big expression of
American white middle class power

and the rejection of
the old order of the English.

And you could argue that C-3PO
was a kind of emasculated homosexual.

Because he's very camp, but he
was safe because he didn't have a willy.

So it was okay.

Homosexual men have willies.

He's sexually non-threatening.

- Graham Norton's got a willy.
- How do you know?

Do you know what, I must
admit when I was doing my lap

I was just wishing that I could
hear The Stig like Ben Kenobi.

Yes.

"Slower around the corner,
Simon, slower around the corner."

Anyway, listen, who would
like to see Simon's lap.

Yeah.

Okay,
let's have a look at this.

Good screech.

- That's good.
- Nice.

- Nice.
- Slight wheel spin.

That's kind of
like my job, actually,

that the commentary
on what the car's like.

Oh, yeah.

That was pleasant.

Very pleasant.

"Pleasant" is not a word
I've ever... Look at that!

That was my favourite bend,
that one.

Why did you... It was so good
you just kept it going.

In gear, you.

That hurt.

A leaf from Hugh Grant there
from a couple of weeks ago.

And nice!

This is good.

Help.

That's the first cry for help
we've had.

That was so much fun.

I was just saying you've...

God, if you can nail this one
you're laughing.

The eyes.

No, where's the speed gone?

I know,
that was my worst corner.

No, oh, you slowed down.

I know, I know, I know,

Oh, across the line there!

- He's fast...
- It was all right.

It gets the adrenaline going,
doesn't it?

It really, really does.
It was so much fun.

Where do you think
you've come?

I'd hope for kind of
upper middle.

- Above Coogan, please.
- Above Coogan.

You did it in one minute,
so you're above Jimmy Carr,

forty... So already
you're above Coogan,

8.5.
So way above Coogan.

Nice one!

Thank you.

I think if I'd nailed
that corner.

That was the one
that bothered me.

I'd reckon if you'd have
done those last two corners

at sort of
Michael Gambon speeds...

- You would have been there, honestly, with Gordon Ramsay.
- Yeah.

That was a very good lap.

It felt really great.

Well, best of luck with the
film, and thank you for coming.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Simon Pegg!

Thank you.

Now, in the olden days

it was terribly easy to tune
up a mass produced car.

You put a
bigger carburettor on it.

You made an air scoop for
the bonnet, added plywood,

and away you went.

These days though,
it's not quite so easy.

Now, it is especially tricky

if you start out with something
like this Mercedes SL 65.

517 horsepower,
V12 twin turbo.

I mean,
how can a tuning company

possibly make this better
than it already is.

And if they could, what kind of
monster would you end up with?

Well, you'd end up with this.

The most powerful convertible
ever made.

Welcome, everyone, to the
£160,000 Brabus S Biturbo Roadster.

Sweet mother of God,
this is fast!

The secret to all this speed,
of course, is the engine.

What Brabus do is take
the standard Mercedes V12

and then throw
almost all of it away.

Only the cylinder block remains,
and even that is modified.

Everything else is new.

New and bigger.

The original car
has five-and-a-half litres.

This is a 6.3 and the
result of that is dramatic.

730 bhp.

That's more than any Bentley,
more than any Ferrari.

More than any Lamborghini,
even.

Of course it's not actually that difficult
to screw 730 horsepower from an engine.

But it is difficult to put
all that power on the road.

And it's nigh on impossible
when the engine is churning out

an almost ridiculous
1,000 torques.

A 1,00 torques is what you'd
use for restarting a dead planet.

It's so much that when
they put the engine in

the car wouldn't move at all.

The traction control just sat
there going, "This is impossible."

And when they turned
the traction control off

the rear wheels spun
till the tyres burst.

As a result they've now
limited it to just 811 torques,

which is about what
you'd use to power

a medium-sized
aircraft carrier.

Now, at this point, you're
probably expecting me to say

that they've limited
the top speed as well

and, I'm afraid they have,

to, um...

219 miles an hour!

The top speed is incredible, but the
way it gets there boggles the mind.

A 100...

A 120...

A 140...

I'm now going a 180...

Faster than the top speed of
an Apache helicopter gunship.

And I'm running out of runway!

I suppose, I ought to explain
at this point

that Mercedes limit this car
to a 155mph

because that's the limit of what
various components can take.

So, if you're going
to make it go 219mph,

those components
have to be changed.

That discreet body kit,
therefore, is not for show.

It's there
to keep me on the ground,

which is handy when you're
doing 320 feet a second.

And what kind of under-floor
engineering does the Brabus have

to keep it in check
at this kind of speed?

Well, put simply,
it's all very big.

The brakes are the size of dustbin
lids and have 12 pistons each.

The tyres could encompass
Neptune and at speed,

the whole car sits lower to the
road than normal by 15 millimetres.

So, has it worked?

No, not really.

Even though,
they've reined in the torque

there's still
far too much of it.

Every time you go near the
throttle, even in a straight line,

you get the traction control going,
"Brrr... I don't know what to do!"

Even if you turn the traction
control off,

this being a Mercedes
of course, it isn't really off.

You've got the brakes
stabbing away at the back tyres

desperately trying to control
the mountain of torque.

Just wasting their time.

Honestly, you may as well
blow on an oil rig fire.

You have to develop a new technique
which is blast down the straight...

...hard on the brakes...

Ooh, I think I've just
made a crease in the runway!

And then go very slowly,

slowly ease the power in, still,
the traction control squirming away...

And then... Oh, no,
no, that was too much!

It's very hard work, this!

And worse, after a worryingly
short amount of time,

the brakes were
completely shot.

Still, at least this meant I could
pull over and stop the madness.

In terms of handling, then,
this car is a nightmare.

It just cannot cope with the
volcano under the bonnet.

Here, then, is two and
a bit tonnes of proof

that absolute power really
does corrupt absolutely.

So, it's rubbish?

Well, we're going to find out
by putting it on our track.

And that of course means handing
it over to our tame racing driver.

Some say
that if you lick his chest,

it tastes exactly the same
as piccalilli.

And that at this week's
BRIT Awards,

he was arrested
for goosing Russell Brand...

All we know is,
he's called The Stig.

Away he goes.

His tyres struggling
to contain all the torques.

He's piling into
the first corner already.

A mighty struggle between
power, traction control and The Stig.

Look at that!
Unbelievable driving!

He could hear
the other's heart beating...

as if they shared just one
between them.

Stig's talking book collection
getting another airing there

as he barrels through Chicago.
Not looking all that fast.

Just gotta say, kind of
lunatic of a car, this thing.

Through Hammerhead.

Look, you can actually see it
wobbling around as the computers...

Look at it. Struggling to try and
keep it on the straight and narrow.

Nearly hinging the tyres low.

"I love him," she
shouted it to the elements.

"I love him!"

Through the follow-through
he can really wind it up here,

make up some lost time.

But he's got to have lifted,
even The Stig's not that stupid.

But it just doesn't
look that fast.

You can't get the power on
when you want to in it.

Second to last corner,
just holding it on the track!

Through Gambon, barely contained
explosion, and across the line!

Oh, yeah,
you're applauding, but...

Ready?

An entirely predictable
1.26.2.

And the problem is
very straightforward, okay.

Mercedes spend £1 million a
day on research and development.

A million a day. So they've
got the best brains in the world,

with all the money
in the world,

to make the standard car
as good as it can be.

However, I don't think that this
is the end for tuning companies,

because, if you look
at the Jag here, okay,

they spent 35p designing this.

Now, make no mistake,
I love it, It's beautiful, but,

I do think there's more power to be
got out of the V8 under this bonnet.

This is a prime candidate for someone
to come along and tune it up a bit.

You're right. You're right.
And what's more, we're British.

We are the inventors
of everything.

It is time to brace ourselves,

hasten unto the shed

and liberate ourselves
from the abyss made dark

by the lights of perverted
German science.

I think he really has
lost it this week.

But it doesn't matter because
we can move on because it's time

for the Cool Wall.

Yes!

We're beginning by moving all
the four-wheel drive cars down.

- All of them?
- All of them are going down.

- Hang on!
- Times have moved on, Richard. 21st century and all that.

Look, okay, I appreciate, but not all
4x4s are driven by women around Chelsea.

No, listen, I agree with you, I
agree I'm sure with most people here

that 4x4s are not
killing polar bears but...

Some of us live in the
country, we need them.

You can't move them
all down the wall.

Cars are all about
pulling women,

for us obviously. Yes, you
know what I mean, for blokes.

- Yeah.
- That's what it's all about.

You're not gonna pull socialist women
with these 'cause they don't like them.

What does that matter? Sorry,
mate, you're not making sense.

Socialist women are better
in bed than Tory women.

Let me put it to you
this way, okay?

I'll give you
a straight choice.

Vanessa Redgrave
or Ann Widdecombe.

- Crikey! Vanessa Redgrave.
- There you are!

Vanessa Redgrave. And as a result
they've all got to come down the board.

They're not cool any more driving
around in them. They're just not.

And do you know what I'm
gonna do to celebrate this?

I'm gonna buy a Range Rover.

I'm going to get a V8 one,
petrol. What have you got there?

This is the new
Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder.

What do we think?

How cool's that?

What? Sub zero? In the fridge?

- Sub zero.
- Sub zero.

- In the fridge.
- Sub zero. All wrong.

Hold, on everybody,
with your opinions.

There are a couple of really crucial
things you need to know about this car.

- Number one, he's just bought one.
- Look at this!

Number two, I'm having the wall
extended through that wall down there

to add a new really, really,
really seriously uncool section.

That is true.
Obviously if we buy one,

we ruin the reputation
of that car,

which is why
we put that over there.

But this the 4GT can at last come
up here 'cause I've got rid of it!

Now, next one, Porsche 911...

- GT3 RS.
- GT3 RS.

- It's a brilliant, brilliant car.
- But...

Even I'm not gonna argue
that that's cool.

The scaffolding.
Kristin Scott Thomas,

this is the test we have,
as you know.

She gets in that, "Why have
you got scaffolding in the back?"

You're gonna have to explain
"It's a roll cage in case I fall over..."

In case I roll over
she's just going to get out.

Why has it got
a fire extinguisher.

In case we burst into flames
on a race track.

'Cause honestly, with all
that stuff in there it's like...

Her opening the glove box and going,
"Why have you got Dettol in here?"

"Boo, it's in case my eye
infection flares up again."

So, it's going right down
here. I'll tell you what...

You know if you put a
cock-o-metre at the side of the road?

- A what?
- A cock-o-metre.

You know you drive into villages
these days it tell you your speed.

If there was another one
alongside

like one of those thermometers
outside a church

telling you how much
of a cock you look.

This'd be right off the scale if
you drove by in one of those.

- I'm not joking.
What have you got?

- That is a Kia Cee'd.
- Oh, for God's sake!

- Ah, yes, now, hang on...
- I'm losing the will to live.

Does anybody here
think that's cool?

- Absolute rubbish.
- Have you driven one?

I wouldn't want one.

- No? Yes?
- No.

- Did someone say yes?
- Yes, there's a lady here saying, "Yes".

- You've driven a Kia Cee'd?
- I work for Kia.

On purpose or is it just
bad unemployment in your town?

It's a fabulous car
and it's a fabulous company.

Really?

- You're not helping me there.
- No, except for one tiny detail.

The Koreans eat dogs.

You're going to
come down one morning

and don't come crying to me if
you find Top Gear dog in a bap.

Again this is your logic
and it's frightening.

I'm telling you, I'm on the
money! Come on, be honest.

Why if you work for Kia have
you got a TVR T-shirt on?

Because TVRs are British and
they're fast and they're subzero.

Everything Kias aren't.

Right.

This Ducati 1098...

I'm sorry, what are you doing?

It's a Ducati 1098. I'd like to
put it forward to go on the board.

And I'd like to put it...

Seriously, no, there's every
reason why this is a very cool bike.

Now, earlier on,
Richard Hammond and I

were attempting to prove
John F. Clarkson wrong,

by turning a Reliant Robin
into a space shuttle.

When we left the action, it
was all going terribly well.

The launch site
was a military base

whose whereabouts
are a top secret.

The build began and soon the
main fuel tank was assembled

and attached to
the launch pad

together with
the solid rocket boosters.

These parts contained
the 8.5 tonnes of rocket power

that would take the Reliant
up into the heavens.

Here's what terrifies me.

As it is here, on that, let's
be honest, bit of scaffolding...

Yeah.

Just the tiniest, you know,
that's Birmingham or

that's John o'Groats.

Look, its fine. It's held down
with some old concrete blocks

and some straps that you use to
hold furniture down in a removal van.

That's perfect.

Right, there must be something
useful we can do somewhere.

As it happened, there was.

We were sent off to
dig a bunker for Steve,

the model aeroplane pilot
who would glide the Reliant in.

But that wasn't easy

because the launch site is
littered with unexploded bombs.

"Thank you for choosing
a precision metal detector.

"With your metal detector, you
can hunt for coins, relics, jewellery,

"gold and silver
just about anywhere."

- Does it say bombs?
- No.

James had bought his
metal detector at Argos.

So I got myself some
serious body armour.

You've found my JCB.

I just worked out
something though from this.

It only works down to a
depth of about three inches.

As it turned out,
it all went rather well...

...in the main.

Look what he's done!

You philistine!

Finally,
our bunker was finished.

So that's it then. Good.

With Steve
now fully protected,

we went back
to the launch site,

where there was good news.

Bang on time
for its date with destiny,

the Reliant Robin had arrived.

You're all right,
you're all right.

- Keep it coming. On that line.
- You're all right.

- You're all right.
- Yep.

You're all right.

- Back.
- Nice.

And stop.

That is the business end
of a reusable Reliant orbiter.

Then we were entrusted
with another job.

I reveal to you...

the legend.

You spanner!

What? That's where
it goes, on the wing.

- What's it gonna look like when it's pointing upwards?
- Brilliant.

Upside down?

As night fell,

the most delicate and risky
part of the operation began,

attaching the Reliant space
orbiter to the rockets and fuel tank.

We're not kidding, this
bit is genuinely very scary

because as they're
mounting it up,

and it's quite complicated
with all the linkages,

if the shuttle clonks it and bends
any of the release mechanisms,

it won't come off and then the
shuttle and the tank will come down.

Yeah.

Shall we go over and help?

I think not.

Did you hear that really
un-macho thing he said just now?

- What?
- "Right, come on, lads, let's get this Robin..."

Oh, a ladder's coming out.

Again, NASA, they don't keep
a stepladder on the launch pad.

One small stepladder...

Will you stop laughing?
They'll get really cross!

Finally,
the Robin was attached

and the completed space shuttle
made for a truly awesome sight.

Everything was looking good.

But later, in our suite
at the local Ritz-Sheraton,

I was a worried man.

- Hammond?
- What?

What do you think the chances
are of it actually working?

It'll work.

It's just that you know
when we do these big things

they usually end in some
sort of massive disaster.

I'd quite like
this one to work.

Well, it's up, it's built, but
it's worth a quick reminder

of exactly
what is going to happen.

Absolutely. We've got
8.5 tonnes of rocket thrust

to push that thing
off the ground

and at about 1,000ft, the two
solid rocket boosters will be empty.

They will fall away and come down
on parachutes, doing about 100mph.

Yeah, it'll continue
accelerating to about 140,

then at about 3,000 feet, the orbiter
itself will detach from the main body.

That's when Steve the pilot
takes control.

It's his job to glide it in.

He has the option of firing
three rockets to extend that glide.

He'll then put it down on
the deck, on the landing strip,

and prove that
it's a reusable craft.

- Yeah.
- Of course,

- all that we've said is just words.
- Words.

'Cause let's be honest,
who knows?

The last few hours were
taken up with final preparations

and with such an
ambitious project as this,

the complexity of the onboard
systems was simply staggering.

Each electronic component had to
talk to every other electronic component

at exactly the right time.

There have been
one or two delays.

Most of these are
of an electrical nature.

There's a long wire leading from
launch control down to the rocket

and unfortunately that
had a break in it, somehow.

James, a cow ran through it!

Yeah, okay. But that's all sorted.
We are now fuelling the bird.

And once that's done,
there can be no delays.

- It's full of fuel so they have to light that candle.
- Yeah.

The tension now
was almost unbearable.

You could almost hear Jeremy
preparing some intergalactic smugness.

So, would it stay on course
during the ascent?

Would the rockets and
the fuel tank detach?

And would Steve, who by the way
had refused our kind offer of a bunker,

be able to pilot
the Robin down safely?

In just a few seconds,
we'd know.

Oh, yeah!

Yes!

Go on!

Yes!

It's not coming off!

- Separate! Separate!
- No. No.

Set two. Set two.

Separate!

Twelve, 1,000!

Break! Break!

- Oh, oh, oh, no!
- Shit.

- That's why...
- How were you gonna use it again?

That's enough. Really!

Next week, these two
completely lose touch with reality

and try to get to the centre of
the Earth with a lawnmower!

I think we did quite well.

By what measure do you
arrive at that conclusion?

Well, in fairness, it was
only one bolt that let us down.

It was only one iceberg that
sank the Titanic! It's insane.

The fact of the matter is you just
blew a big hole in Northumberland.

Yeah, and next week,
we are all of us

ruining Bedfordshire
with tractors.

That's true, but don't worry,

because I'm also driving up and down
our track very fast in a Lamborghini.

So, we really hope
we'll see you then.

Take care, good night!