All language subtitles for The Jeselnik Offensive s02e07 Thomas Lennon and Marc Maron

Thank you and welcome to the Jesselnik
Offensive. I'm your host, Anthony

Jesselnik. We've got an incredible show
for you tonight. From IFC's Marin, we've

got Mark Marin.

And from the classic Reno 911, we've got
Thomas Lennon here tonight.

But first, it's been a thick week.

Former Bachelor contestant Gia Allemand
died last week after she committed

suicide by hanging.

Yeah. I'm shocked.

Finally, one of those dumb bitches
learned how to tie the knot.

Breaking news. Former CNN anchor Soledad
O 'Brien is moving to the Al

Jazeera America Network.

Yeah. It won't be that big a transition,
though.

All she has to do differently is
remember to smile every time she says 9

Now this is great. A new iPhone app
tells you if you're good in bed by

thrust, duration, and noise levels.

And there's another app that tells you
if you're bad in bed by checking to see

if you downloaded the first app.

I can't believe this. Last week in
Detroit, a cop who was ordering

vests accidentally emailed the female
officer's bra sizes to everyone in the

department. A spokesman is calling it a
big mistake, or in the case of Staff

Sergeant Sheila Washington, a huge
mistake.

It's a smart joke.

Pop culture in the house. Jennifer
Aniston reportedly changed her flight to

London to avoid flying on the same plane
as Angelina Jolie.

That and a bunch of kids screaming in 19
different languages.

Basketball news.

Rumors are surfacing that Lamar Odom may
have cheated on his wife, Khloe

Kardashian, by having an affair with two
women.

But Odom just laughed it off.

saying the reports are false and that
his wife commonly gets mistaken for two

women.

And finally, in India, a three -month
-old baby has burst into flames four

as a result of spontaneous combustion.

The baby's Hindu doctors now believe
that in a previous life, he may have

trick birthday kid.

You know what, guys? That wasn't a very
good monologue.

That was a great monologue.

In the past year, more and more women
have been

dying after receiving black market butt
injections of silicone found at hardware

stores. Apparently, women will do
anything to get a bigger, fuller

This, according to an anaconda that
don't want none unless you've got buns.

Now, clearly, plastic surgery addiction
is a very sensitive topic.

And whenever a topic is too sensitive to
make a joke about, we make a bunch of

jokes about it in a segment we call
Sacred Tax.

This week, we chose body dysmorphia.

Now, can you discuss plastic surgery
addiction without sounding patronizing

cruel? Who cares?

Look at me.

Watch this.

Hi, doctor. Thank you for meeting with
me. Thank you.

What is body dysmorphia disorder?

Dysmorphia is a mental disorder that
somebody absolutely can't stand about

own body. And what does body dysmorphia
disorder mean to you?

$20, $30 million a year?

I think it means, you know, seek a
psychiatrist, basically.

At this point, you're so good at your
job, when a patient walks in to see you,

are you ever tempted to just go, nose
job, right before they say a word? No.

I listen a lot.

Name a celebrity who's had plastic
surgery that we might not know about.

Tony Danza. I don't... Tony Danza.

You're going to get me in trouble now.

Have you ever decided to add a third
breast just as a goof or because you

legitimately drunk?

No. When is it time to put the
paintbrush down and say my masterpiece

finished? Is it when they start to look
Asian?

All right, Doctor, what could you do for
me?

I would not offer you any surgery other
than Botox. Other than Botox? Botox.

Where would you... Take a... Make a few
marks. Where would I need Botox? Well...

Bring your brow up.

Right there. But I use these to show
that I'm better than you. Like, say

something to me.

Just make a statement to me.

What kind of a statement?

What kind of a statement?

See? See? See how that works?

Doctor, what does a plastic surgery
addict look like? I mean, could I be one

not even know it?

There's only one way to find out.

Hey, Steve. How you doing? Good.

How are you? Good, thank you.

Would you say that you have body
dysmorphia disorder, or are you just

nuts?

Regular nuts. Regular nuts. That's good.
How much money have you spent on

plastic surgery in your life?

$350 ,000.

So if someone told you you looked like a
million bucks, they would be way off.

Steve, how many plastic surgeries have
you had?

56 to date.

Could you list them all? I had a
rhinoplasty, chin implant, cleft.

I have bicep implants.

My nostrils narrowed. For aesthetic
purposes or just so you'd stop doing

cocaine? I don't do drugs.

And you've got pectoral implants,
correct? I do.

So you're a boob guy.

Yeah. That's probably the least weird
thing about you.

What haven't you had done?

I haven't had any private parts done.

We've thought about it. Oh, yeah.

Just go bigger?

Not necessarily big, but... Two of them?

If you were me, what would you have
done?

Just get a tan.

Just a tan?

Yes.

We'll be right back with Mark Maron and
Tom Lennon.

the yellow panel, and I took the panel
less paneled panel.

It's time for panel.

Please welcome from Reno 911 and Sean
Saves the World coming this fall to NBC,

it's Tom Lennon.

And from the WTF podcast in Marin on
IFC, it's Mark Marin.

Mark, good to see you again, man.
Congrats on your recent engagement.

Would you say the third time is the
charm?

Yeah, that's one cute saying. There's
also three times and you're out.

It's possible.

Are you marrying that beautiful child,
Bob? Why don't you leave me alone, Tom?

I'm just saying.

I've been out to your Waco -like
compound. Yes.

I wouldn't say she's a child. There's no
law against dating someone emotionally

15.

That's true. So she's cool with dating
you? Yeah, she's living with me. Yeah,

everything's going to be all right, I
think.

She can leave anytime she wants.

Her family can contact her. Stop talking
about it. Stop talking about it. She

has no family, Tom.

Get a signal if you need to get out of
the... Stop talking about it.

Now, Tom, are you aware that there's a
guy on Hollywood Boulevard who dresses

like your character from Reno 911,
Lieutenant Dangle, and charged with

money to take pictures with him?

People have sent me some pictures of
this gentleman. He's a big, thick dude

a big round behind.

And he looks really good. He's a lot
bigger than me. What I will say is the

thought that went through my head is
when somebody gives him $2 to take a

picture, isn't one of those dollars
mine?

Now let's get right into it with the
worst best thing of the week.

Hunger Games Camp, where a kid can kill
a kid.

A summer camp with a Hunger Games theme
in Florida is causing controversy

because it included a tournament where
kids quote -unquote killed each other.

But don't worry, the kids at this camp
don't actually die.

That's more a summer football camp
thing.

Yeah, it sounds like a good way to send
a fat kid to fat camp without him

knowing really that he's going to fat
camp.

You like Hunger Games? Enjoy.

It could be worse. At least it's not
Silver Linings Playbook Camp.

That would be...

That would be awful. Where you just
dance with guys from mental

I think the interesting thing about this
camp is that every night they tell

ghost stories about the kids who died
the day before.

It's rare that you can go to a camp
where your first sexual encounter can be

your last sexual encounter.

Actually, there's a couple camps I can
think of.

The one I went to?

No.

I was making a joke about the Holocaust.

What is that? Your Anne Frank
impression?

I was ducking out for the dark stuff
because I got a movie career.

Oh, yeah.

No, I think that Hunger Games is pretty
lame. Yeah. I mean, I didn't really

care. If I was going to start a camp, I
would start a Game of Thrones camp.

You know, where kids can sword fight.

They can joust. They can make out with
their sisters.

Make out?

Have sex with their sisters? Yes.

Am I too?

Yes. Get the second base with their
sisters? I thought this was a show where

say stuff that's inappropriate.

sister there you go man if you're gonna
make a camp based on a movie yeah what

movie how about the human centipede camp
yes tell me more i think i think it's

uh you know it's all about teamwork oh
that is

like a camp based on backdoor

sluts 12.

Is that good enough for you, Tom?

All camps are kind of like that.

True. I mean, if there's good marijuana
nearby.

True. Nothing gets a girl into anal like
marijuana.

It's a fact.

Actually, you know, it's Jägermeister. I
know that for a fact. Jäger is anal?

Jäger is anal. I've got a real laugh
from you.

That was a knowing laugh.

Now it's time for not buying it.

This is your captain heckling. A UK
airline will feature stand -up comedy

live music performances whether
passengers like it or not.

Now, if you do wind up on one of these
comedy flights, it's important to kill

yourself before you kill the child next
to you.

It's going to be as f***ed up as
everything else on the airlines, which

totally unfair. Like, first class will
get Louis C .K. for free.

And coach, you pay five bucks and you
get Todd Berry.

Why Todd?

Because I love him.

Because I love him.

Now, Mark, would it be appealing to you,
Mark, to have a crowd that couldn't

walk out on you?

Did you hear the question?

Yeah, but I thought you were talking to
yourself.

Oh, my God, the sexual tension between
the two of you. It's been palpable all

night long. Just kiss.

Look, if I want to get on a plane where
I can hear ass -pilling jokes, I'll just

fly southwest.

And if you've looked at all the Virgin
Atlantic ads, they are trying to

you that their hot stewardesses are
going to give you jobs.

Yeah.

Don't you get that feeling when you see
this? Like, we're naughty.

Yeah. When you go into the bathroom,
it's like club music.

Yeah. Yeah, there's dance music. But no
one's giving me a job.

Yeah. Plus, they treat you like a jerk
if you request a job. Yeah.

It's like, come on. I know you got
blankets and jobs back there. Give me

them.

Would you guys ever do this? Let's say I
paid you a million dollars. Would you

ever do this? A million dollars.

I forgot what you asked me.

But you said there was a million dollars
involved, and I said yes.

Was it blow you in an airplane bathroom?

Yes. A thousand times, Anthony. Yes.

Let's say I made you guys do this. Yeah.
I paid you a million dollars. You're a

comedy duo.

On an airplane that's about to crash. So
there's problems.

There's problems on the airplane.

Entertain the passengers.

Go. Okay. Hey, folks, don't panic.

I know there's a little turbulence, but
Tom is going to show you the proper

behavior to act when something like this
is happening. Tom.

Help me.

Help me. Now, please remember.

remember that, you know, you always put
the oxygen mask on yourself first and

then the child next to you next. Right,
Tom?

How about that food on trains?

Great job, guys.

Lock your panel and hide your panels.
We'll be back with more panels.

Welcome back.

What do you get when you cross a panel
with a panel? You're about to find out.

It's more panel.

Let's move on to dating bloopers. A
million dollars isn't cool. You know

cool? Murdering your wife.

Last week in Miami, a self -help author
slash actor confessed to murdering his

wife on Facebook and even posted a photo
of her bloody body.

Now he's getting some really weird
targeted banner ads.

Well, I thought it was interesting that
he immediately changed his status. It's

no longer complicated.

I was legitimately shocked that he took
a picture of a murder he had committed,

because I usually just post pictures of
murders I happen to walk by.

But never the ones that I do.

I thought it was a little weird that he
tagged his wife in the photo.

You know, he wanted to kill his wife
using Vine. Yeah.

But he couldn't do it in six seconds.

I just wonder if he actually made the
statement in a status update and

said, picture it didn't happen.

Yeah.

Well, the great, my favorite thing about
this is it took people four hours to

comment on the photo. And the first
comment was, um, with four U's and

seven M's.

It's amazing to have the balls to write
that as a comment. I think if I was

going to comment, I would have just
said, firsties.

What would you have written as a
comment, Tom?

Uh, WTF? I thought we were going to
murder each other's wives.

I guess I'd probably just post a picture
of a very grumpy cat.

That's very appropriate.

And now on to for the ladies.

My dogs help me lick canter.

The University of Pennsylvania is using
detection dogs to sniff out ovarian

cancer in women's blood samples.

I would just say, are they positive of
the dogs barking in that area that you

have ovarian cancer? But what if you
just have a vagina full of snossages?

Actually, I don't think the dog actually
barks. You just know you have cancer.

If the dog gets really awkward, it
doesn't know what to say to you.

I don't even know if I'd want a dog
telling me that I have cancer.

I want something even cuter.

I want a little boy in a sailor outfit
to tell me my prostate's enlarged.

But you're suggesting it's after he's
taken his arm out of your ass.

He's got little hands.

Like the cancer dog? You know that MIT
has a dog that can tell if your

are slathered with peanut butter?

MIT has that song?

Yeah. It's not perfected. It's not
perfected yet, but it's getting very

Yeah.

It's going to be great.

And now, put your baby in the trunk and
sell your car to a stranger. It's

defending your tweet.

You tweeted it, and I'm going to read it
and make you defend it in front of all

these people.

Mark. Yes.

On July 6th, you tweeted, my mother just
texted love you to me.

Did not feel right.

Mark, defend your tweet. Well, she
texted it with, like, L -O -V -E -U.

Right, exactly.

That's my tweet right there. All right.

I'll tell you why.

I'll defend it. At that time, my mother
and I were broken up.

So it was weird. You know, we're back
together. It's cool. It's cool. Good.

Good, I'm glad.

Sweet. Sweet defense.

Tom.

On July 25th, you tweeted, I feel like
if James Spader and I had a baby, it

would look exactly like James Spader.

Tom, not that you're wrong, but defend
your tweet.

Well, first of all, I think about James
Spader and I having a baby a lot. Sure.

Like you do. You just fantasize, how
would we raise it?

Am I the girl?

I think I am. I'm not sure if I'm
defending my tweet or just I'm going

down the rabbit hole.

Where he and I have a beautiful little
version of us that looks probably more

like him. Yeah.

That got weird. It did. That one got
weird.

But it also started out really weird.
Yeah, yeah, it did. But thank you guys

both so much for being here tonight.

See Mark at Comedy Works in Denver,
August 23rd and 24th. And Tom's movie,

Baby, is available on demand now and in
theaters September 6th. We'll be right

back with more show.

Thanks again to Mark Maron and Tom
Lennon. Also, check out anthonyjesselman

to get tickets to my new fall tour.
We'll see you next week. Before I go,

take a look back at the best moments
from tonight's show.

Okay, Caitlin, family is important to
me. Tell me about yours.

Paint me a picture of what a holiday
celebration is like in your home.

Oh, well, for Hanukkah, we all gather
for a traditional meal. My mom and my

boogie are arguing over lunch. And now
it's time to play What's Mark Angry

About?

Tom, what's Mark angry about?

Everything.

That is correct.

Thanks for playing.

Good night, kids. Go read a book.

What if I wanted this guy right here to
pass for black?

I have a tattoo artist that can help
you. What about just like...

What about that right there?

Very handsome.

I think so, and good at basketball.