All language subtitles for The Jeselnik Offensive s02e06 TJ Miller and Eric Andre

Thank you and welcome to the Jesselnik
Offensive. I'm your host, Anthony

Jesselnik. We've got a crazy show for
you tonight.

Eric Andre and T .J. Miller are here.

But first, everyone, please set your
phones to block Amber Alert.

A high -powered New York advertising
executive died after plummeting from a

-story balcony.

Police still aren't sure if it was a
suicide or the opening sequence of Mad

Close call here.

Usher's five -year -old son was rushed
to the hospital last week after nearly

drowning in the star's backyard pool.

Again.

Of course, the real question is why
Usher even has a pool when you can just

swimming in his eyes.

TSA officials are concerned that
terrorists may start using a liquid

that turns clothing into airplane bombs.

Or as Al Qaeda calls it, Project Runway.

Here's a cool one. Last week, Japan sent
the world's first ever robot astronaut

to the International Space Station to
provide company for humans in space.

Experts are calling it one small step
for man, one giant opportunity for a guy

to get his dick stuck in a robot.

Last week, an emotional moment when
Chelsea Handler cried on TV after she

out her grandfather fought for the Nazis
in World War II.

But she lightened up when her midget
came out dressed as Hitler.

Now, here's a tip. Here's a tip for you
guys. A new study says that riding your

bike to work lowers the risk of
diabetes.

So if you want to avoid diabetes, all
you have to do is get two DUIs.

Now, I don't know what to think about
this one. Scottish scientists have

designed a computer that tells sexist
jokes.

Yeah. Yeah, they finally did it.

In response, feminists have vowed to
destroy the mysterious talking numbers

that's mean to women.

And finally, MTV is shooting a new
reality show about virgins.

In order to maintain the cast members'
virginity, MTV will shoot it in their

mouths.

Now that was a great monologue.

Whether you notice it or not, you need
it to live.

But no two people ever seem to wear it
the same. So let's take a peek at some

similar looks to find out who wore it
better.

First up, we've got Christina Aguilera
or Kristen Stewart.

Kristen Stewart swung for the fashion
fences and parked one in the style

section. While Christina Aguilera looks
like a 10 -pound genie in a 5 -pound

bottle.

Up next, it doesn't get any easier.

Taylor Swift or Aborigine Mom.

Aborigine Mom swung for the fashion
fences and parked one in the style

While Taylor Swift looks like she just
took a blow dart in the bush.

Now let's look at 13 -pound baby or heat
stroke frog mascot.

Heat stroke frog mascot swung for the
fashion fences and parked one in the

section. While 13 -pound baby doesn't
look like she's going to be much of a

jumper.

Moving on to bald George Bush Sr.

or Bat Boy.

Bat Boy swung for the fashion fences and
parked one in the style section.

While bald George Bush Sr. doesn't look
like he's going to get four more years

of anything.

Now, this is a tough one.

Ariel Castro or Love Alot Hairband?

Tie.

Next, we have Oprah Winfrey or Angry
Lizard?

Angry Lizard swung for the fashion
fences and parked one in the style

While Oprah Winfrey makes me want to
throw up.

And finally, who wore it better?

Disgraced Yankee Alex Rodriguez or a
steaming pile of s***?

A steaming pile of s*** swung for the
fashion fences and parked

one in the style section.

While A -Rod looks like a steaming pile
of s*** with a bad hip.

And that was who wore it better.

Welcome back.

I hear you're paneling, but you can't
come panel. It's time for panel.

Please welcome from the Eric Andre Show
on Adult Swim, it's the hilarious Eric

Andre.

And one of my greatest friends, a stand
-up comedian who's always wanted to be

like me, it's T .J. Miller.

be able to jack off for weeks.

Panel,

panel, panel, let's do some panel.

Now, TJ, I turned down a role in your
upcoming movie Search Party. How'd you

feel about that?

Well, it's tough, Anthony, because
there's no one like you.

So I guess I don't think a movie can be
as great because you weren't in it.

Hell, it's hard enough to be around you
knowing that I'll never be the comedian

that you are. I've always...

I don't know if you agree with this, but
I would love to just live a day in your

shoes. Be inside of me.

I wish I could look like you if you were
dead in a river for three days.

And then you would regenerate.

You'd look like the guy from Halloween
if you wore his skin on the outside of

the mask.

Good burn.

You look like T .J. Miller, only
employable.

Now,

Eric. Yeah? I heard you're trying to
sell a show to NBC right now. How's that

going? Yeah, I'm actually trying to
pitch Celebrity to Catch a Predator.

We keep getting Roman Polanski over and
over and over.

Why aren't you wearing a mask?

What am I supposed to say?

It looks like Vanilla Sky over here.

Look at this thing.

I'm on a ton of salvia right now. Let's
get right into it with the best worst

thing of the week. If you lived here,
you'd be molested by now.

A Christian pastor has founded a small
Florida community called Miracle

where more than half the residents are
registered sex offenders.

Yeah, they all get along pretty well
until Christmas, when there's a huge

over who gets to be mall Santa.

You know, I hear it's very peaceful,
except it's hard to hear with all the

sounds of the ice cream delivery trucks
going around.

You see, they're all pedophiles,
Anthony.

Listen to me, I'm you from the future!
Do you understand?

I've come here to tell you!

You have to kill yourself immediately!

No! What the f*** are you talking about?
I don't know! No, because he kills

himself and I won't exist.

Yeah, no, don't kill yourself.

I'm excited, PJ. The future looks
bright.

That's what happens when you keep
drinking and gelling your hair upwards.

Eric, what do you think about Miracle
Village? Man, if I was a horny gay eight

-year -old who was into older men, that
place would be a f***ing miracle.

Am I right?

Yeah. Oh, it's a hole.

great. You know, they got a gym, a pool,
but all anyone seems to care about is

the Wi -Fi.

I bet the podcast... I don't understand
that. Oh, they use a chat roulette to

jack off to real guests.

I got a feeling there's a lot of things
you're not going to get tonight, TJ.

Don't worry about it. I can hardly hear
a goddamn thing that's going on.

I think it's kind of weird. I don't
think all sex offenders should live in

same town. I think they should live in a
deep, dark cave on top of a mountain

next to an amusement park.

Moving on.

Up next is not buying it.

Hamburger. A hamburger made from cow
meat grown from stem cells was cooked

eaten in a demonstration last week.
Though tasters complained it was dry and

lacking flavor.

Grown at the hamburger?

Kids are getting molested, man.

Pedophiles are showing up to petting
zoos with the bottom half of mascot

on.

Hey, uh, if I want to... If I wanted a
taste of doctor's meat, I'd suck Sanjay

Gupta's dick. Am I right? Up top. Bring
Sanjay out here.

Where is he?

I'll swallow.

Yeah. I'll let him finish inside of me.
I don't give a... TJ, try to get a joke

out.

All right, I'll try and do one like you.
Okay.

So, I was having one of these hamburgers
as I was violating a woman who was

asleep.

As soon as I finished, or a little bit
after, she woke up and she said,

are you raping me?

And I said, no, I was done like 15
minutes ago.

Don't judge a panel until you've paneled
a panel in a man's panel.

We'll be right back with more panels.

Welcome back.

P is for panel. That's panel enough for
me. It's more panel.

Let's move on to culture clubbing. Ku
Klux Kegger, a student at Georgia State

University, has come under fire for
starting a club called the White

Union, which celebrates white and
European culture.

God, if these kids wanted to be around
white people all the time, why didn't

they just get into a better college?

Whoa, what the fuck is that supposed to
mean?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What the
fuck?

Man. Where'd you go to college?

I went to DeVry, got my degree in six
weeks.

Hit the road.

I think like the Ku Klux Klan, I've been
wearing a mask this whole time,

Anthony. You've been wearing a mask this
whole time?

TJ! It's been me the whole time!

I figured you were dead, you old son of
a bitch.

Hey, TJ.

What? Try to focus up and talk about the
goddamn white students union.

You know, I personally, I feel for this
guy. I tried to start a polyamorous,

Haitian, Jewish, libertarian, socialist,
anarchist, atheist students union when

I was in college, and we had a tough
time getting our numbers up. I believe

I memorized that over and over again.

I feel like if they nailed it,
everybody.

I would fight

anyone in this audience and lose,
guaranteed.

You are not allowed to stand up again.

I feel like part of being white is not
belonging to a club, you know?

Well, the weird thing is they don't have
a clubhouse yet. Until they get their

own building on campus, they all meet
once a week at a Josh Groban concert.

Yeah, I thought there were already clubs
for white people. I thought it was

called Bonnaroo.

Yeah. This whole thing seems weird to
me. I mean, how do you even celebrate

white and European culture, you know?
Clapping on downbeats?

Yeah, right?

It's harder to do this one.

Alpha. Cigar.

Omega. Kappa.

Dapper. I felt a thigh.

What? Wait, what?

What was the last one? I bet you're
like, oh, Agatha.

I felt a thigh. Alpha, beta, kappa. I
felt a thigh, dude.

420. Smoke weed with your dick roll.

840. That's two times 420, bro.

Oh, my God. Moving on.

And now on to From a Distance.

Ooh -ee -oo -ah -ah. High demand from
witch doctors has led to a booming black

market for severed human penises in the
African nation of Malawi.

This is why whenever I travel to Africa,
I make sure to keep my penis in the

hotel safe.

Did that guy just get his dick snipped
off or nothing?

Or I think he was... You want a picture
for what?

It's a weird thing, you know, to sell
penises. First of all, that's why

unemployment rate is so high. Even when
they're doing business, they're just all

standing around with their dick in their
hands.

Boom!

But I'll tell you this, you know, it's
tough for me to imagine trying to sell

male genitalia on the street. I mean,
how do you do that? What are you like,

hey?

God, man.

What do you have?

Long, hot dicks here.

Hey, cheap, fresh dicks.

You got a long one?

Is that what your dick looks like?

No, it's a little bit. The diameter's
about twice the length of my actual

Who wants to see T .J. Miller's penis
right now? I think you owe it to us.

I mean, you're looking at it right now.

I'll tell you, on the black market, this
will fetch $15.

If you don't want those, I got a... Oh,
no.

No, TJ.

No. I'm ready for it, brother. I'm ready
for it.

Let's do it, man.

Let's do it, TJ.

I swore I'd never do another bris.

and wish you more babies. It's defending
your tweet.

You tweeted it, now I'm going to read it
and ask you to defend it in front of

all these people.

TJ, on August 4th, you tweeted, if I had
three wishes, two of them would be to

be exactly like Anthony Jeselnik, then
the third one would be that also.

TJ Miller, defend your tweet.

Anthony, I've been sent from the future.

God gave you cancer.

Thanks,

Six Flags. Now sit down.

That was a good defense.

Good defense.

Eric, on to you.

We're probably going to get sued.

Hey, if anybody wants a hamburger made
completely out of severed

Malawi black market dick, I've got it.

Eric, on March 28, you tweeted, whenever
a girl tells me they're in a long

distance relationship, I say, oh, that's
cool. I'm single, too.

Eric, defend your tweet.

your boyfriend lives across the street
or closer, we are having a naked slumber

party tonight!

Who's coming with me?

Who's single?

Let's go!

Well, thank you guys so much for being
here tonight, both of you, in your own

way. Catch season two of The Eric Andre
Show, premiering October 3rd on Adult

Swim, and check out TJ's stand -up tour
dates on TJMillerDoesNotHaveAWebsite

.com. We'll be right back with more
show.

Thanks again to TJ Miller and Eric

Andre. And no, I'm not being sarcastic.

Also, check out AnthonyJeslin .com to
get tickets to my new fall tour. We'll

you next week. But before I go, let's
take a look back at the best moments

tonight's show.

You guys have been so annoying all
night.

So now it's time to play Get It Out of
Your System. So guys, get it out of your

system.

Now it's time to play America's favorite
game.

Who made that dog look like that actor
who once

guest starred on Family Ties but then
later retreated

from society due to mental illness?

Now let's meet our contestants.

Good night, kids. Go read a book.

You've really done it, Anthony. I mean,
look at you. You're being irreverent in

a way that hasn't really been treaded
upon.

You're crossing boundaries in a real
way.

You're having whatever ethnicity Eric is
on.