All language subtitles for The Jeselnik Offensive s02e05 Dave Attell and Joan Rivers

Welcome to the Jeselnik Offensive. I'm
your host, Anthony Jeselnik. We've got

incredible show for you tonight.

Joan Rivers and Dave Atteller here.

One show, three legends of comedy.

But first, it's been a great week.

Last weekend, Cleveland kidnapping
victim Amanda Berry made her first

appearance at a Nelly concert.

Barry said she became a fan of the
rapper after 10 years of getting hot in

and taking off all her clothes.

Yeah, that's actually a pretty harsh
joke. I'm sorry, Nelly.

How did you guys hear about this?

Police in Los Angeles fired tear gas at
hundreds of rioters after they went on a

rampage following a surfing competition.

Cops arrested eight people.

and hanged ten.

Uh -oh.

Seventeen magazine is in trouble after
it published an article that promotes

online dating among teens.

Some say it could make it easier for
teen girls to meet older men, while

say, exactly.

Now, this is crazy.

In Arkansas, a paralyzed man who had
recently adopted a dog woke up to find

dog had eaten one of his testicles.

But doctors are hoping they can reattach
it if they can just get the dog to drop

the ball. Come on, boy, drop the ball.

Drop it.

The truth is out there.

Officials in Missouri believe the state
may have been attacked by aliens.

after finding a number of dead cows with
their tongues, udders, anuses, and

vaginas missing. Either that, or someone
was making hot dogs.

And finally, last week, a man in North
Carolina was arrested for beating his

girlfriend with a pizza.

The police report didn't mention what
kind of pizza, but the domestic violence

was authentic Italian.

That was a great monologue. Let's see
what my dad has to say.

Anthony, I'm leaving your mother.

Thanks, Dad.

Republicans in Georgia are protesting
Crayola for creating a Ramadan -themed

coloring book that depicts Muslim
families celebrating, mostly because

no room to draw a predator drone over
the picture of the wedding party.

Which brings us to Where's Your God Now,
a segment where we find out what

offends a specific religion and why, in
the grand scheme of things, it's not

that big a deal. This week, we took our
lives into our own hands with Islam.

Watch this.

Hi. Hi. Thank you for meeting with me. I
appreciate it. Welcome. Thank you.

They're not known for, but Muslims do
have a sense of humor. For instance,

greeting, As -salamu alaykum, literally
means peace be unto you. Is that

supposed to be sarcastic?

That's real.

Okay. Devout Muslims keep their women
covered.

Nope. And they don't allow them to
drive.

Nope. Leave the house alone.

Nope. Or go to school. Nope.

So would you say that a lot of Islamic
practices are just common sense?

You're crazy.

Why do Muslims seem like they're so
angry all the time? Is it because you

don't have Christmas?

Never know.

I can't speak for one billion Muslims.

True.

Islam is one of the fastest growing
religions in the world. So tell me, how

we stop you?

You don't have to.

No? No.

You'll stop yourselves, huh? Yeah, you
stop yourself.

Because Islam simply means submitting to
God.

All right, I'm going to show you some
pictures. And you tell me if this is

offensive to you and your religion or
not and why.

Okay. A woman breastfeeding in public.

No. No, not at all?

Happens a lot throughout the world.
Absolutely, I agree with you.

Disney's Aladdin.

No. Not at all? Nope. What about Robin
Williams' performance in that movie?

Awful. Pretty broad, right? Yeah.

A car parked in between two parking
spaces. Now that offends me. Yeah,

infuriating, right? Yes. What would you
do to this guy?

Nothing, it would be more than... I'm
sorry, that was insulting.

What would you do to this woman?

It would be an energy hack.

An energy hack? Energy hack. I would
have to struggle against my own anger.

It's tough. Would you key it?

Nothing. You guys don't do that, huh?
Can't do that.

Well, thanks a lot for talking to me
today. I feel like you've taught me so

much. Do you think I'm now ready to do
stand -up for a group of Muslims?

No.

Thank you so much. It is so great to be
here doing stand -up for a group of

Muslims.

How can you tell the difference between
a regular Muslim and a terrorist?

How? I have no idea. And that's kind of
the problem, isn't it?

Two Israelis and an American walk into a
bar. The bartender says, hey, and then

the bar explodes.

Why did the Muslim cross the road?

Because he was being relocated by
Israeli authorities to make more room

Jewish settlements on the West Bank.

I don't get that, but it seems like
right up your alley.

You guys have been a wonderfully
nonviolent crowd.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Have a
great night.

We'll be right back with Joan Rivers and
David South.

Welcome back. We'll ring around the
panel.

Pocket full of panel. It's time for
panel.

Please welcome from in bed with Joan,
it's Joan Rivers.

Showtime, it's Dave Attell.

Now, Joan, great to see you again.

Great to see you again. I was in your
bed.

Yes. And nothing happened between us. Is
that common with your other guests?

At this age?

Have you ever been in a sandstorm?

Now, Dave Attell, what are you doing on
my show?

Well...

Anthony, as you know, I used to have a
show on Comedy Central.

What was it called?

Well, it doesn't matter what it's
called, but I'm your future. Enjoy the

okay?

Looking forward to that sweet hat.

Now let's get right into it with the
worst best thing of the week.

Feel free to enter the rectory. Pope
Francis caused a stir last week when he

said he had no problem with gay priests.

and it was not his place to judge as
long as they search for the Lord and

goodwill.

Finally, the Vatican is giving gay
priests the same respect they show

pedophiles.

The Pope's surprised he's for gays. The
man wears a dress, lives with all guys.

You gotta give it up to this Pope.
What's his name? Frank? This guy's way

than... Francis.

Okay, he is way better than the German
guy. What was that guy? Klink? He's way

better than that guy. Way better than
Francis.

And the cool thing about it is I'm a
Jew, and I could really care less about

whole thing. I mean, you know, an Easter
egg hunt is an Easter egg. If it ends

in an ass, it doesn't matter to me. I
don't care.

He's bringing the church into the 21st
century, and let's be happy about that.

And the ass with all the boy costumes, I
think it's so marvelous.

Totally. I think the best thing about
this is now, with the acceptance of

the Catholic Church is finally more
progressive than hip -hop.

Well.

Nice one, Andrew.

Drew, that's a winner.

It's everything.

I mean, you know, you all have to kiss
the Pope's ring, and I love it now

because he likes gays, and he says,
fine, now lower, lower, lower. And don't

forget the bowls.

Now that gay clergy are being accepted
by the Vatican, what other changes can

expect in the Catholic Church?

Santa will have to wax.

How about that?

Maybe sainthood for Neil Patrick Harris.

I like it.

And I guess scissoring nuns. Wouldn't
that be the way to go?

I know that joke's good. You want to
know how that joke's good?

Your dad just got redder. I love it.

Out on the boat today, I see.

He has a disease.

This segment is out with the old.

Just lie back and forget about it. A
rapidly aging population has nursing

living in fear of a rape lawsuit time
bomb.

The problem is that dementia patients
confuse each other for their spouses and

have sex with each other by mistake.

Rape lawsuit time bomb, that's what I
call my Wi -Fi.

Why do you look at me for this?

of people with dementia.

They have no brains, so they can't, you
know, f*** their brains out. I mean,

nothing's gonna happen.

Well, look at these people in that thing
over there, right?

Yeah. I could just say, she'd be like,
that's not a catheter. What is that?

Oh, you make me wet front and back.

I think that's, you know, no good?

I think that's pretty good.

Okay, can I tell you something? You're
both young. You don't understand.

Old sex is the best because there's no
one -night stands. This is a

relationship. Just to get the old guy
out of the car, into your house, up the

stairs, on the bed, on you, off of you,
down the stairs, rejibed, back in the

car. Four days.

Relationship.

But old people sex, may I ask a
question? Like, how do you know... How

you...

How do you know when they're done since
they only smell like they finished?

I mean... You are so wrong! Bring it!

Bring it! You are so wrong!

You always know when they're done
because they call out their doctor's

It's just, Dr.

Schwartz!

Yeah, it is weird. I mean, we've all
woken up next to people whose names we

don't remember, but I never thought to
get a doctor's note.

But women my age, you know, now they're
going after the younger guys. I don't

want to wake up and say, is this my
date? Did I give birth last night?

Oh, sweet.

Yeah, I think a good rule of thumb is
probably just not to 69 anyone who's

69.

I live by that.

Can I just say, first of all, that
picture.

is really sad because he thinks he's
going down on her.

No?

Jo, look at it. Come on. First of all,
at that age, he has such a long way to

go. That's, you know, because the
vagina's dropped.

Yeah. Oh, do I know, yeah.

I woke up eight months ago. I said, why
am I wearing a bunny slipper?

And, uh... Well...

Not to creep out the youngster over
here, but the ball sack doesn't age very

well either. I mean, I got to lift mine
like a petticoat to get out of the tub.

A man's balls drop, a man over 60, you
sit him on a toilet, it looks

like he's making a cup of tea.

That is just... This is really great for
our target demographic.

Panels like a box of chocolate, it will
kill your dog. We'll be back with more

panel.

Welcome back to panel or not to panel.
That is the panel. It's more panel.

Time for some fad bashing. I'd really
love a thin mint frappuccino with

chocolate syrup and java chips, but
don't kill yourself.

A new study has found that drinking two
to four cups of coffee a day lowers your

risk of suicide by almost 50%. Can you
find that funny?

Pretty funny. My husband killed himself.
Okay, you find that funny?

Yeah, sure, why don't you laugh too? I'm
not.

I'm crying upside down.

I think it's funny you could have
prevented it with a cup of coffee.

I was part of it, okay? You have me now,
Anthony? You don't know any of this, do

you? You're so f***ing young. You don't
know.

It's my fault. We were making love, and
I took the bag off my head, and that was

it. Just gone.

Dave, how about you? Any sad stories you
want to bring up?

No, that's okay.

Coffee, I can understand what they're
talking about, but it's way better than

shot of Clamato in the morning. And let
me finish it.

Yes?

Ready?

And a punch in the... All right, there
you go.

Let's say, Joan, that you wanted to kill
yourself in a Starbucks.

Yeah. How would you do it?

Go into the bathroom, sit on the seat
without toilet paper.

Nice one. I hear you.

How about you, Dave? What would you do?

How'd you kill yourself in a Starbucks?

Smell her finger after she did that.

Where's my news?

No.

A Starbucks is way too serious, anyhow,
if you ask me. You're walking,

everybody's reading, typing on a
computer.

Am I right? Yes, yes. Is this a coffee
place at the University of Phoenix if

they had a campus? What's going on in
here?

That's why I'm a D &D Dunkin' Donuts
man.

Y 'all don't know what that's like.

Sorry.

I had to bring some of the urban in.
That was great.

I think if I was going to kill myself in
a Starbucks, I would just eat one of

their egg salad sandwiches.

Moving on.

And now on to dating bloopers.

He did it just for kicks.

The woman who held the Guinness World
Record for shoe collecting was found

in her swimming pool. Her ex -boyfriend
is being held for murder, and now she's

in shoe heaven, literally.

Her family's shopping for a coffin right
now, which is a real bitch because

she's a five narrow.

I think they should bury her in a little
box under her bed. That's what I think.

Wasn't that adorable?

Not that funny, but adorable.

Yeah.

I think the weirdest part is he says he
killed her because she wouldn't shut up

about purses.

Well, you know...

You know her boyfriend, Eddie Clubfoot,
he really... So I guess if it was

Heather McCartney, he would have just
wounded her.

Wait.

That's excellent.

That's her?

Yeah.

Wow. Pretty.

Yeah, gorgeous.

And now it's time for Latino Voices.

Oh, great.

Or is it just a persona carefully
crafted for the public eye?

You all feel sorry for Jennifer
Lawrence, but actually what makes me

Geraldo, because he is one of my peeps.

David, are you doing anything fun this
weekend?

Listen, Ese.

Listen, Ese.

I'm Latino.

I work on the weekends.

You futa papa something.

Nice. And that was Latino Voice.

And now that baby is back, back, back,
all the way back. It's gone because

someone hit it with a baseball bat. It's
defending your tweet.

You tweeted it. Now I'm going to read it
and ask you to defend it in front of

all these people.

Joan.

On July 25th, you tweeted, hard to
believe that Amy Winehouse died two

ago. On the upside, this is the longest
she ever went without a drink.

Comedy legend Joan Rivers defend your
tweet.

This was a very positive statement.

Yeah.

Because before this, Amy had been in and
out of Betty Ford even more than Gerald

Ford. And I... I respected her.

Great defense, Joan.

Thank you.

Dave. I'm still getting over the fact
that she knows how to tweet.

I think that's crazy.

My nurse does it. Your nurse does it.

Now, Dave, you are not a heavy tweeter,
right? But on September 5th, 2012, you

tweeted, happy birthday, parentheses,
yesterday, to friend of Dave's old porn,

at Whitney Cummings, four, count them,
four, exclamation point.

Dave Attell, defend your tweet.

Well, as a Twitter comic, like I am,
I'll defend that tweet all night, but I

will never defend this jacket. I
apologize.

I think tweets are wonderful.

You do?

My God, it would have changed the world.

This is Amelia Earhart. Where the fuck
am I? It would have changed the world.

You really think so?

It would have changed the world.
Honestly, John, really?

It's Rosa Parks. I'm in the front of the
bus and I'm having a good... Uh -oh.

I don't think so, guys.

Joan,

that was a great defense of Dave's
tweet.

Sorry. Thank you guys both so much for
being here. Check out Fashion Police

Fridays on E! and see Dave August 22nd
through 24th at Helium Comedy Club in

Philadelphia. We'll be right back with
more stuff.

Thanks again to Joan Rivers and Dave
Attell. Also, check out AnthonyJuslin

to get tickets to my new fall tour.

We'll see you next week, but before I
go, let's take a look back at the best

moments from tonight's show.

Ah, you guys look absolutely great.

Thanks, Joan.

I sell the stuff on QVC. Thank you for
the honor. Yeah, what a thoughtful gift.

I really appreciate it. Not a gift, you
deadbeat. You'd show me $1 ,000.

I make this stuff.

This is not cheap. You know what this
costs when children make it?

No wonder I'm a little aroused.

It's, I mean, great quality.

Yeah.

Angelina Jolie's kids made yours.

Is that why it covers up my breasts?

Oh.

Blammo.

Bling bling.

Okay, Courtney.

What would you say is your biggest
weakness?

It's probably that I'm too nice.

People say I'm... It's your leg.

What? It's definitely your leg.

How dare you? You asshole. Whoa, whoa.

I thought you said you were nice.

Good night, kids.

Go read a book.

What do you think is the weirdest
religion?

I never... assess religions based on
weirdness.

What do you think about Pat Robertson?

He's a problem.

He is a major problem, thank you. Yeah,
slight problem.

He and Ayatollah Khomeini, I'm sure,
would have a lot to talk about.