All language subtitles for The Jeselnik Offensive s02e04 Doug Benson and Rob Huebel

Jesselnik Offensive. I'm your host,
Anthony Jesselnik. We've got a great

for you tonight. Doug Benson and Rob
Hubler here.

But first, it's been a hell of a week. A
woman was killed at a Six Flags

amusement park when she fell out of a
roller coaster called the Texas Giant.

Tragically, the woman had just bought a
souvenir T -shirt that read, I survived

the Texas Giant.

That's unexpected. That's like 10 ,000
spoons when all you need is a knife.

Now, this concerns me. Last week,
Beyoncé's sister, Solange Knowles,

she was canceling her European concert
tour for mental health reasons.

Knowles said she knew it was time to
take a break when she started

that she had a European tour.

Police in Japan are looking for a man
who killed five people and then left a

haiku poem next to the scene of the
crime.

They're searching for him, trying to
find a pattern to soft wings of cranes.

That's a beautiful joke.

But I don't know what to think about
this one. Last week, the city of Detroit

filed for bankruptcy.

It became obvious Detroit was in trouble
when it offered to suck Chicago's d***.

Yeah.

You should be applauding. That was also
a beautiful joke.

Now this is cool. There's a new vending
machine in airports that automatically

pours you a cup of coffee if you yawn
while standing in front of it.

Yeah. But if you need help yawning, the
machine will tell you about this new

vending machine in airports that
automatically pours you a coffee if you

front of it.

Here's a little something for the
ladies.

An adult toy company has invented a
vibrating bicycle seat that allows women

masturbate while they ride.

Yeah, I know.

I know you ladies have been wanting
that.

The device turns on when you touch a
control pad, and it turns off when you

crash into a car.

And finally, a student at USC has filed
a federal complaint after university

police told her she wasn't raped because
her attacker didn't orgasm.

The man who attacked her was invited to
the hearing, but again, he didn't come.

Now that was a great monologue. Let's
see how the market reacted.

The president of the Gondolier
Association in Venice, Italy, says the

operators should get regular
breathalyzer tests.

Because if the moon hits your eye like a
big pizza pie, that's not the moon. You

just drove your gondola into a f***ing
pizza place.

Now, clearly, driving under the
influence is a very sensitive topic. And

whenever a topic is too sensitive to
make a joke about, we make a bunch of

about it in a segment we call Sacred
Cow.

This week, we chose drunk driving.

Now, can you make light of drinking and
driving without sounding like you're

endorsing it?

Nope. But it was fun to try.

Watch this.

Hey, thanks for meeting with me.

It's a pleasure.

Thank you.

Let me start by asking you this.

What made you such a strong advocate for
fad? And try to keep it light. This is

a comedy show.

There isn't anything light about people
losing their life on our highways.

Okay? Would you say that life is a
highway? I'm going to ride it all night

If you care to look at it that way.

What can I do to stop drinking and
driving that I'm not already doing? Once

sit and you start drinking and you know
that you're getting to a point where

you're starting to act ridiculous, you
better ask for help.

Because if you don't check yourself,
you're going to break yourself.

Does that make sense to you? I would say
you better check yourself before you

wreck yourself.

That's even better. Can I use that? You
can. Thank you. That'd be a great motto.

I like that.

I just thought of it right now.

Well, by the way, I wanted to bring up
this.

This is a breathalyzer.

Blow before you go.

This is something that you can use
before you leave that bar, before you

that restaurant, and test yourself to
see if you should get behind that wheel.

Whenever I go to a bar, I always try to
get a blow before I go.

Can we go on to the next question,
Anthony?

I'm sorry.

I had to. I had to.

There's nothing funny about that,
Anthony.

You understand?

I'm iffy on it.

Are you against people driving on
marijuana, too? And if so, how do you

pizzas should get delivered?

Anthony, I'm done.

Michael. Hey. Anthony.

Good to meet you. Nice to meet you.
Thanks for taking the time. No problem.

Well, I'll make this quick. I know
you're probably up to your ears and

killers back on the road.

Do you think blood alcohol levels for
DUI should be higher, lower, or are you

satisfied with your current income?

Do you get a lot of repeat business?

I get clients that do come back to me,
yes.

That must be incredibly satisfying.

If I'm in court for drunk driving, what
face should I be making to show the

proper remorse? Like a...

That's not the face you should be.

A little too, pull the lips up.

Not, um, you will have to work on it.

That's not bad.

You know you were there.

That's too much.

A little too, yeah, not realistic.

Who would you call if you got a DUI?

Probably myself, but I wouldn't get a
DUI.

Let's do a role play. You're you, and
I'm you.

Go ahead and call me.

Can I call you me?

Yes. Okay.

Ring, ring.

Hello? Hi, Michael. It's Michael.

What do you mean?

Well, I got a DUI and I need a little
legal help.

You got a DUI?

Yeah. You're a DUI lawyer. That's
completely irresponsible.

Well, nonetheless, I'm going to need
some help with this and I was hoping

help me out because I know you know what
you're doing.

What am I going to do to help you?

Well, you did come highly recommended.

That's true.

I do highly recommend myself constantly,
but I'm here, I'm at home watching a

movie with a wife and kids. Where are
you right now?

I'm in jail, but they're going to
release me on my own recognizance.

Not if I have anything to say about it.
You're going to rot in jail for the rest

of your life. It's my time now.

Michael, you, of all people, know that
I'm entitled to a fair defense.

I'm going to pay someone in prison to
kill myself.

Then what are we going to do?

I think you need to learn a lesson.

It's pretty hypocritical to be a DUI
lawyer.

And also having these horrible
breakdowns where you're calling yourself

prison.

We'll be right back with Doug Benson and
Rob Neumann.

Welcome back. And now you've got a pen.

for your panel. To panel!

It's time for panel.

Please welcome the host of three popular
podcasts, and his sixth comedy album is

available now. It's Doug Benson.

And from Children's Hospital on Adult
Swim, it's Rob Hubel.

Doug, old buddy, good to see you again.
Tell me, why is your new album called

Gateway, Doug?

Because after people listen to it, they
want to do heroin.

The applause you hear at the end of the
album isn't clapping. It's people doing

this.

I believe you.

Rob,

you said you have an announcement you
wanted to make?

Yeah. Thank you, Anthony.

I just wanted to let everyone know that
if you go and do that thing from Silence

of the Lambs where you pull your penis
back between your legs,

When you start talking, like, really
creepy, like this.

They will throw you right out of Target.

Real fast.

I'm glad you told us that. It saved
everyone a lot of time. Yeah. A lot of

First, it's time for our Jessalynick
Offensive Big Big Story of the Year.

finally happened. The details are as
follows.

Who? Monday, July 22nd, 424 p .m. What?
St. Mary's Hospital, Lindo Wing.

Where? Eight pounds, six ounces.

When the royal baby has been born, he's
third in line for the crown.

That's how it comes.

Guys, what's your take on this big, big
story?

I don't care about it at all. I didn't
even hear about it. Who gives a f***

about that whole family?

Moving on.

Our next segment is Fab Back.

Na -na -na -na -na -na -na -na -na -na
-na -na -na -na -na. Superman.

Director Zack Snyder. has announced that
the Superman sequel will bring Batman

and Superman together for the first time
on the big screen.

This was the biggest news to hit Comic
-Con since Joey from Oak Park, Illinois

almost got a girl's number.

I just feel like there's not going to be
a lot for Batman to do in this movie.

Like, compared to Superman, he's just
going to be like, uh, yeah, Superman, I

DVR'd Duck Dynasty. Like, what do you
want me to do?

Just call me up.

Yeah, Superman has superpowers, and
Batman is just a rich dude.

You know, so I don't know if they're
compatible.

Like, Superman can throw buses around
and all Batman can do is make it rain.

This was a huge story at Comic -Con.
When they announced it, people almost

over. Mostly because it's hard to walk
around in your homemade stormtrooper

outfit. But still.

I gotta say, I feel like I liked this
movie better when it was called

Mountain.

Yeah. Batman.

Superman. That's a lot of man -on -man
action.

Clearly, Batman versus Superman is going
to be pretty gay.

Almost too gay. Like White House down,
only less gay.

You know, the Batcave and Fortress of
Solitude are both great names for gay

bars.

Up next is the worst worst thing of the
week.

Johnny, come lately.

Scientists say the sperm count in men is
dropping rapidly, and we could soon be

facing a sperm crisis, as one in five
European men have sperm counts low

to affect fertility.

A sperm shortage?

Has anyone checked Kesha's mouth?

I am upset about this. I feel like now
we're going to have to cancel Bukkake

Fest 2013.

Sorry, Orlando.

The woman who did the research on this
didn't have to publish the results

because it was all over her face.

And also, she's not a woman.

Whose job is that? That is the worst
job. Like, how do you explain that at a

cocktail party? Like, well, what I do is
I go through Guy's spunk and I see if

it's any good. Anyway, what do you do?

Two things that doctors recommend for
raising your sperm count. Stop smoking

marijuana and masturbate less.

What?

Yeah. Who are they? A security guard at
the coffee bean?

Between smoking weed and masturbating
too much, I'm as dry as an Anthony

dick joke.

I will make a deal with America. I will
stop masturbating when Doug Benson stops

smoking weed.

Does that mean that you're masturbating
right now? Right now.

You can't even tell, dude. My hands are
right here.

But I'm wearing cords.

Corduroy helps you masturbate?

Dude, you just walk.

You just walk differently than I do.

I'll have you know that I have the same
amount of sperm as a man half my age.

Although, to be fair, I did not get his
name.

your stinking panel off me, you damn
dirty panel. We'll be back with more

Welcome back. Panel me once, shame on
panel. Panel me twice, let's panel. It's

more panel.

Check out the best worst thing of the
week.

Take a hike, fatties. The Boy Scouts
have caused a controversy by banning fat

kids from this year's national jamboree.

The Scouts say they're just trying to
promote a healthy lifestyle, but

better for you than feeling superior to
fat kids.

What are the Boy Scouts thinking? Fat
kids are the perfect

slow -moving target for when the camp
gets attacked by bears.

But you got to remember, there is no
merit badge for swimming with your T

on.

If they can't go to Jamboree, can they
still get into Gymboree?

And Rob, what's the cutoff over there?
Because I'm thinking about going by

sometime for a workout.

You know what? Don't do that.

That's my spot.

I like to play in the balls at Chuck E.
Cheese. That's my spot, too.

But have you noticed, though, that they
taste funny?

Let's do a little role play here. Rob,
you're a Scoutmaster.

Doug, you're an obese Boy Scout.

Don't tell me.

Rob.

Rob, explain to Doug that he can't go to
Jamboree, but don't hurt his feelings

by telling him he's fat. So I can't say
that he's fat.

I'm right here.

So, Doug.

I really want you to come to the
Jamboree this weekend with all I've got.

I can't wait. But I want to be up front
with you.

I'm going to molest the shit out of you.

We all are.

We're going to get you up there, we're
going to strip you down, and we're going

to do terrible things to your body.

Is this because I'm fat?

Now that's how you improv.

And now on to Culture Club, Gold Star.

A rare original copy of the list of Jews
saved by Oscar Schindler is being

auctioned off on eBay for $3 million.

Now, several neo -Nazi groups have made
prank bids for $6 million for the list,

so they beat us to that great joke.

This one's going too far. I feel
uncomfortable weighing in on this

of my best friends are a Jew.

I hope whoever buys it... just
authenticates it. You know, it's real. I

they don't go, oh, wait a second.

IP Knightley, Jack Mehoff. Wait a
second.

I don't think it's funny that there's
actually still, like, a list on a piece

paper. Like, if Oscar Schindler was
around today, he'd just be like, Siri,

remind me to save a bunch of Jews.

And Siri would be like, okay, I'll
remind you to save some shoes.

All right, guys, it's time to play the
Fuhrer Family Feud. All

right, guys, there's a lot of names on

Schindler's List, and a bunch of them
appear more than once.

I'm going to give you each two chances
to guess one of the top three names on

Schindler's List. And remember, this
isn't anti -Semitic. It's Semetic.

Doug, give me one of the top three names
on Schindler's List.

Schwarzenegger? Oh, good answer. Good
answer. Show me Schwarzenegger.

Oh.

Oh, sorry, Doug. Schindler couldn't be
bothered with the Schwarzenegger family,

but I'll give you one more try.

Well, you know I'm a big wrestling fan.

Of course.

Goldberg.

Goldberg. Show me Goldberg.

Oh.

Yes.

Yes, a total of nine Goldbergs have
Oscar Schindler to thank for their

All right, Rob.

Okay. Are you industry savvy enough?

To give me one of the top two names on
Oscar Schindler's list. Give me a name.

I would say the Von Trapp family
singers.

Show me Von Trapp. That's good.

Sorry.

Sorry. Maybe next Holocaust, Rob.

You got one more chance to tie it up.

Give me one of the top two names on
Schindler's list.

How about Horowitz?

Show me Horowitz.

Great job, Rob.

I don't know what that... Are you
punching... I'm not punching a Jew.

I'm not punching a Jewish person.

That's not... That was Hitler.

That's Hitler. You got in a headlock.

Stupid Hitler.

Stupid Hitler.

Good save.

Let's see what the second most popular
name on the list was.

Gross.

Congratulations, you guys. It's a tie.

And here's your prize.

Don't tell mom the babysitter's dead and
so's the baby. It's defending your

tweet. You tweeted it. Now I'm going to
read it and ask you to defend it in

front of all these people.

Doug, on July 22nd, you tweeted, I'm too
legit to start.

Doug, defend your tweet.

On that particular day, I could not find
my MC Hammer genie pants.

Some tweets are serious, dude.

Did you eventually find them?

No.

I got them.

Are they made out of corduroy?

Rob.

Yes. On June 18th, you tweeted, summer
tip for dog.

Kill your owner and steal a bike and
ride down a steep hill really fast to

cool when it's hot.

Not that you need to, but just for fun.
Defend your tweet.

I wrote that?

Yeah. Is that another one of your Ambien
tweets?

No. I've just started writing tweets
every now and then for dogs.

Because dogs are smart.

Yeah.

They can read our brains.

And our minds.

Good defense. You know what? I've been
thinking about it. I don't want to go to

Jamboree this year.

Thank you guys so much for being here
tonight. See Doug's film, The Greatest

Movie Ever Rolled, available August 15th
on iTunes and video on demand.

And check out Rob and Axe Cop, Saturdays
at 11 p .m. on Fox.

We'll be right back with more stuff.

Thanks again to Doug Benson and Rob
Hubel. Also, check out AnthonyJeslin

get tickets to my new fall tour. We'll
see you next week, but before I go,

take a look back at the best moments
from tonight's show.

The Honeymooners.

I can't believe I married such a
cheapskate.

I took you out last night.

But that...

That's enough. He's dead.

Good night, kid.

Go read a book.

The power of a new Jessalynick
offensive.

I can walk again!

New episode next Tuesday at 10 .30 on
Comedy Central.

Excuse me, is the pork loin still on
sale this week?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't work here.