All language subtitles for The Jeselnik Offensive s02e03 Adam Pally and Casey Wilson

Jesselnik Offensive. I'm Anthony
Jesselnik. How are you kids doing

I figured I got some good news and some
bad news. The good news is we got Adam

Pally and Casey Wilson here tonight.

The bad news is as follows.

This is big. A Danish woman diagnosed
with multiple sclerosis decided to

literally run for her life.

completing 366 marathons in a year.

Doctors say the key to her survival was
skipping Boston.

Thank you.

Speaking of which, Rolling Stone
magazine has been banned by 7 -Eleven

the cover features a photo of Boston
Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.

So now, if you want to see his picture
at 7 -Eleven, you'll just have to look

the shrine behind the counter.

Now here's a weird one.

Last week, a woman in Pennsylvania gave
birth to a baby girl that weighed a

whopping 13 pounds, 12 ounces.

The mom says she has a couple of good
ideas for the baby's name, but at this

point, she's still torn.

And I gotta point out, that is a
Jessalyn McOffensive first, a joke about

where the baby survives.

Now, on a sad note, Glee star Corey
Monteith passed away in a Vancouver

last week. Police say the cause of death
was drugs, and that the cause of drugs

was Glee.

With the music news, last week, a couple
on their way to a Dave Matthews

concert. pulled over to pick up a
hitchhiker, only to discover that it was

Matthews himself.

But the couple said a hitchhiker is a
hitchhiker, so they killed him.

Talk about clutch. After 40 years of not
owning a motorcycle because his wife

said they were too dangerous, a Wyoming
man finally bought one and was killed

after riding only three miles.

It sounds to me like his death was a
great loss, but for his wife, the

was a huge victory.

Now here's one for you entourage fan.

According to a celebrity event booker in
New York, Jeremy Piven will show up at

your party for $50 ,000.

Or, for $75 ,000, you can get Jeremy
Piven to stay home.

And finally, Matt Sandusky, the adopted
son of Jerry Sandusky, is changing his

name to distance himself from the
convicted pedophile. So goodbye, Matt

Sandusky. Hello, Fernando Kidbanger.

That was a great monologue.

George Zimmerman verdict.

Sure, he's a racist monster, but he's
not much different from the racist

monsters you find every day on the
internet.

He just gets out more.

That's why we're bringing back our
favorite game, Search and Destroy.

Here's how it works. I'll give you the
beginning of a Google search term, and

you give me the autocomplete racist
result.

Sounds complicated?

It's not.

You're just dumb.

Now let's see what our contestants will
be playing for tonight.

Little slice of heaven right there.

Let's have our first contestant. Come on
out here.

Hey, man. How you doing?

Thanks for playing.

What's your name?

Jake. Jake. And what do you do, Jake?
I'm a jazz musician.

What do you do for money?

Try to play music.

Try to play music. Okay.

All right, Jake.

Ready? When users Google, black people
should.

The top three most common searches are
die,

Vote Republican.

Be sent back to Africa.

But what is the fourth most common
search result?

Get back to work. Get back to work? Oh!

I'm sorry. It looks like your white
power has failed you.

The answer we were looking for is black
people should be grateful for slavery.

Yeah. But it sounds like you've got some
great ideas. I'd love to read one of

your pamphlets. Thank you for playing.

Let's have our next contestant come on
up here.

Hey. Hey.

How you doing? Thank you for playing.

Thank you. What'd you think of that last
guy? Pretty weird, huh?

Very. Yeah.

What is your name?

Shanice. Shanice. And what do you do,
Shanice? I'm a student.

And what do you study?

Medical technology.

Medical technology.

Yes, big word. So you want to make
bongs.

See you, bud. Okay.

Now, when people Google, white people
should.

The top three most common searches are
die, be exterminated,

not have dreadlocks.

And what is the fourth?

Get some rhythm.

White people should get some rhythm.

Oh.

What did white people ever do to you?
The correct answer we were looking for

white people should beat their kids.

But thank you for playing. Thank you.
Let's have our next contestant come on

here.

All right.

Hey, man, how you doing? Very good, how
you doing? Good, thanks.

What's your name? Max.

Max. And what do you do, Max? I'm a
pilot.

You're a pilot?

Yep. Oh, wow. Were you still drowning in
9 -11?

Yeah,

absolutely. Great.

All right.

Now, Max, when people Google Asians
should, the top three answers are

die, not wear yellow,

go back to Asia,

And what is the fourth? Obviously, they
shouldn't be pilots.

I like it because it's racist and it's
topical.

Confucius say no. The answer we were
looking for is Asians should all die.

Should all die.

Thank you very much for playing. I'd
like to thank all of our contestants.

And if you'd like to learn more about
racism, Google it. We'll be right back

with Casey Wilson and Adam Powell.

Welcome back. Do you swear to tell the
panel, the whole panel, nothing but the

panel, so help you panel? It's time for
panel.

Please welcome from SNL and Happy
Endings, a show that never should have

canceled, it's Casey Wilson.

And also from Happy Endings and the only
Jewish member of the Iron Man

franchise, it's Adam Pally.

Welcome, guys.

Casey, it's been a while. How has your
summer been so far?

It's been great. I've been to so many
weddings. I went to one, actually, with

Adam. And just a ton of weddings.

You guys get like this when you're out
on the dance floor. Like, I can't give

everything these brides are wanting me
to give.

Like, on the dance floor, I feel like
I'm just getting really lazy with my

dancing out there. Like, I'm just
like... And I'm getting tired. But then

trying to keep it sexy, but I'm tired.

Sure, I mean, it's still pretty sexy.

Nothing sexier than a girl asleep.

I would have said that with a smile so
people

knew I was joking.

Adam,

you kind of remind me of someone. What
celebrity do you look like?

I look like if one of the Jews from The
New Girl ate the other Jew from The New

Girl.

Sounds like you've given it a lot of
practice. Oh, yeah.

Now let's get right into it with the
worst, worst thing of the week. Of all

awful news stories, this is definitely
the worst.

Murder was the case that they fed me.
George Zimmerman was acquitted of all

charges in the murder of Trayvon Martin,
so he still may face civil suits and

federal charges.

Now Zimmerman has to pay his lawyers
back hundreds of thousands of dollars or

just shoot them and say they were
beating him up.

Yeah, it's crazy.

I don't know a ton about the case, but
from what I have heard, it sounds like

Zimmerman shot that kid.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I have been following it,
and I feel like if I've learned

it's that murder is extremely fattening.
Yeah. Yeah.

Definitely. Yeah.

You know, I think it's a good thing that
George Zimmerman isn't going to prison.

I mean, that guy does not do well in
gated communities.

I heard that Zimmerman told his friends
that apparently he now wants to become a

lawyer so that he can defend anyone
who's been wrongfully accused. And I'm

that is incredible.

This man has friends?

I know. I know. You know what's
interesting to me is that technically,

Zimmerman is half black.

Because he has Jesse Jackson completely
up his ass.

George Zimmerman is so good at spraying
black kids, you'd think he was a

Kardashian.

Now, most people are like you, Adam.
They don't follow the news at all, okay?

You're George Zimmerman. Do some role
play. You're George Zimmerman. Casey

recognized you in a bar.

Try to explain to her why you look
familiar without admitting you're the

hated man in America.

Okay, so we're at a bar. I'm George
Zimmerman.

This is my drink. Okay.

Oh, my God.

Wait a minute.

You look... Are you...

expect that at all.

That was the best thing I've ever done.

Up next is for the ladies. When we look
down through the glass ceiling, it's

stories for women.

Dun, dun, dun.

Another bra bites the dust.

A gadget inventor has designed a new
hands -free bra that comes off when you

clap your hands. So now every man can
feel like a Saudi prince.

Watch this bra in action.

You guys want to see it again? Yeah.
Because you're gonna.

Yeah, I do.

What do you guys think about this bra? I
don't, I don't, I'm having a hard time

understanding the bra because if it's
got no straps, what am I going to choke

myself with to come?

Casey, top it.

will just come off to the sound of a sad
trombone.

It's a sadder, kind of a sad, yeah, a
sadder feel.

Dudes will still have trouble with it.

You know, like, they'll still be like,
oh, I got it, no problem, and then it

won't work, and they'll be like, hey,
let's go!

But what are some places that women
probably shouldn't wear this? Like the

Special Olympics?

Because those people clap for anything.

I feel like I can't be born in a
twerking contest because of all the

claps. A twerking contest?

Have you ever been in a twerking
contest, Kacey? No, I haven't. Is this

invitation? Yeah.

Why does it have to be a contest?

Why can't you just twerk?

That's true.

I bet it'd be better. That's a beautiful
message. Thank you.

I have that tattooed on my back. Yeah,
that too. I never forget it.

I don't think it would be smart if,
like, Michelle threw one of these on for

State of the Union.

Michelle Obama.

Yeah. Or Sasha Merlier. Are they budding
yet?

When the working day is panel, oh, panel
is just one -and -a -half panel. We'll

be right back with more panel.

Welcome back. Put your panel in the air
and panel like you just don't panel.

It's more panel.

And now for our segment, Culture Club,
where we take a baseball bat to the

shop of human intellectual achievement.

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to
be Kesha. A new study says that

children's personalities in their first
five years of life can indicate whether

they'll be problem drinkers later.

You know, as an alcoholic, I'm offended
by the idea that anyone could ever tell.

I guess, like, technically what they
found was that if the child's parent is

alcoholic, then he or she is more
predisposed to be an alcoholic.

Uh -huh. And that doesn't seem like a
surprise to me.

No? That's like saying if the kid has a
Chinese parent, he's going to grow up to

be Chinese.

Wow.

My delivery is rock solid today. Your
delivery's fine, but that was a long

for a little bit of racism. You're
right.

What are some signs that your baby might
be a drunk?

I feel like if your baby is licking salt
around your nipple.

That's a good one.

It's a red flag.

It's a red flag. That's a good one.

Well, I think my wife knows when the
babies are drunk because usually I'm

bringing them home.

Now, guys, let's do a little more role
play.

Casey, you think your baby has a
drinking problem.

Adam, you're the baby.

Casey, stay to the little intervention
for your little precious.

Baby, you are s*** -faced.

Go. Baby, I need to talk to you. Oh, my

God.

Double didn't see it coming. Double
down.

Double didn't see it coming.

Now it's time to play What's Their
Problem?

I'll show you a picture of someone from
the news, and you tell me what's their

problem. It's brilliant.

First up, take a look at Shaggy. What's
his problem?

I think that guy's upset because he
couldn't get a background gig on

Bad. I feel like he's just run out of
conditioner or he's lost the will to

I mean, I think that... He's kind of
cute. Can I go out on a limb and say

kind of cute, too?

You cannot.

You cannot. That's a thin limb. Sorry,
you guys were both wrong.

Okay? This guy was actually busted for
having sex with his neighbor's pool

float. Twice.

What? Twice. Yeah, which is wrong. But
after the first time, don't you just

the guy, you know what?

You keep it.

Guys, I told you. That guy's pretty
great.

Is that the pool float he f***ed up?

He has a huge penis.

That's huge.

I gotta think that's not. I hope he was
sticking it into that hole you blow

into.

Moving on. Okay.

Let's take a look at this heartbreaker
right here.

Tell me, what's his problem? The woman
inside his Winnebago just won't die?

I think he's been trying for a long
time, but he still can't tell if he's a

redneck.

He's got a Foxworthy vibe for sure.

And he does not look smarter than a
fifth grader. Actually, this man was

of murdering his girlfriend with a
homemade cannon.

He forgot the first rule of cannon
safety.

Do not own a cannon.

How did he murder his girlfriend with a
cannon? You know how long it takes to

load a cannon?

Did you blame this on her? Yes. You
should have had plenty of time to leave.

What was he like, stay right there. And
then he wheeled in a cannon.

Then he lit the thing. Then he like, put
the thing in. And she was like, what am

I waiting for?

Surprise me.

Moving on.

This next guy looks like he's got all
kinds of issues.

He's got all kinds of issues, but what's
his problem?

He can't turn off the fat booth app?

He's clearly turning into a pelican.

I like that he has a goatee to
accentuate it.

Close, but this guy was actually
arrested for allegedly grabbing a little

and sniffing him.

The charge was attempted kidnapping, but
he got it knocked down to attempted

appetizers.

And that was what their problems was.

And now, cancel the baby shower, but
hang on to those receipts. It's

your tweet.

You tweeted it. Now I'm going to read it
and ask you to defend it in front of

all these people.

Casey. Yeah. On April 6th, you tweeted
dad text.

Why do you persist on calling me on
Saturday night? I'm at the symphony. I

around last night to watch your show. I
need one night, just one night.

Casey, what's on your tweet? What's to
defend? This is my father's basically

at me for calling him because he's out
and he's acting like he's having some

night at the symphony.

I think it's cool.

I think it's kind of cool. You kind of
found something, Casey. I think every

comedian could defend the tweet by just
saying, my dad's f***ed up. Yeah, this

isn't on me. This is on this guy. No,
that's a solid defense.

Yeah. Adam.

My dad's f***ed up.

Wait for it.

Adam, on June 16th, you tweeted, I get
that it's a risk -reward situation, but

I'm telling you, I need the deodorant
that gives you cancer.

Adam, defend your tweet.

Look at him. He needs that deodorant.

I'm a hairy, chubby Jew, and if it's not
this temperature, I break out into

an odor sweat.

And I think I'm doing everybody a favor
by wearing that strong deodorant.

Okay, quick role play.

Casey, you're a stick of deodorant.

You're yourself.

Okay. Go.

Thank you guys so much for being here
tonight.

See Ass Backwards, co -starring and co
-written by Casey Wilson and June Diane

Rayfield in theaters November 8th.

and see Adam in the new film Search
Party with T .J. Miller coming soon.

We'll be right back with more show.

Thanks again to Casey Wilson and Adam
Pally. Also, new tour dates added to

AnthonyJusselman .com. Check the site to
get tickets now. We'll see you next

week, but before I go, let's take a look
back at the best moments from tonight's

show.

Okay, class, that's it for today.

I'd like to thank our nude models for
filling in at the last minute. Next

guys, I promise I will try to find us an
adult.

Great job, Tyler.

I'm a pro.

And then... The old caretaker used his
bony hand to sheathe his hunting knife.

And he said, go ahead.

Tell everyone. No one will believe you.

Okay.

Now, Casey, why don't you tell us how
you lost your virginity?

Good night, kids. Go read a book.

This story is crazy, but it doesn't
interest me as much as this other story

read where they say that you can tell if
a puppy's going to grow up to be a weed

head.

Is that real?

No. That was just for you.