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1
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:30,960
Welcome to the Jesselnik Offensive. I'm
Anthony Jesselnik. How are you kids
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00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:31,960
doing tonight?
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00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:37,600
Fantastic. We've got another perfect
show for you tonight.
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00:00:37,860 --> 00:00:39,880
John Mulaney and T .J. Miller are here.
5
00:00:42,540 --> 00:00:48,440
A lot of bad things happened this week,
which just goes to show you, every day
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00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:49,440
is a gift.
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00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:54,720
Olympus has fallen. Last week, President
Obama named veteran agent Julia
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00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:57,800
Pearson. as the first female director of
the Secret Service.
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00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:00,500
See, ladies? Even the president agrees.
10
00:01:00,780 --> 00:01:03,040
Protection is the woman's
responsibility.
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00:01:07,140 --> 00:01:11,380
Spoiler alert! A script from the final
season of Breaking Bad was stolen from
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00:01:11,380 --> 00:01:13,040
Bryan Cranston's car last week.
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00:01:13,380 --> 00:01:17,420
Authorities are now on the lookout for
any non -white person discussing
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00:01:17,420 --> 00:01:18,420
Bad.
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00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:25,440
Huddle up, bitches. It's rumored that a
current NFL player is strongly
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00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:28,200
considering coming out of the closet
within the next few months.
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Insiders wonder whether the player will
be ostracized for being gay or praised
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00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:37,700
for having the courage to quarterback
the Patriots to three Super Bowl titles.
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00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:47,680
A town in Ireland has legalized drinking
and driving as long as you drive slowly
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and stay off the main roads.
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00:01:50,330 --> 00:01:53,710
So, just like what everyone pretends the
law is everywhere.
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00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:57,430
Now, this is heavy.
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00:01:57,970 --> 00:02:02,830
CVS is now requiring its workers to
reveal their weight or pay an extra $50
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00:02:02,830 --> 00:02:03,830
month for health insurance.
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00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:08,949
CVS employees immediately slammed the
policy as an invasion of privacy and
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00:02:08,949 --> 00:02:11,710
went back to masturbating to your kids'
bath time photos.
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00:02:15,950 --> 00:02:19,850
Happy birthday, a high school student
celebrating his 18th birthday was killed
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by a subway train while trying to cross
the tracks on a dare.
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When reached for comment, a friend who
was with him at the time said, okay,
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00:02:26,990 --> 00:02:27,990
truth.
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Do these seats go all the way back? A
Knoxville woman was arrested after she
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caught performing oral sex on a man in
order to get a better deal on a
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The woman called it an embarrassing
mistake, while the man called it the
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Cadillac of negotiating.
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And finally, Cannonball, TV's newest hit
show, is Splash on ABC, where
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celebrities like Louis Anderson and
Kendra Wilkinson learn how to do an
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high dive into a pool.
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The show would be perfect, except for
the fact that the pool has water in it.
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00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,440
That was a great monologue.
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girls are starving themselves and over
-exercising because their boyfriends
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00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:25,720
them to have porn star bodies.
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But that's an unobtainable body image. I
mean, you're either a 14 -year -old
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Asian girl or you're not.
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00:03:32,060 --> 00:03:35,960
Now, clearly, the way women view their
bodies is a very sensitive topic.
45
00:03:36,180 --> 00:03:39,800
And whenever a topic is too sensitive to
make a joke about, we make a bunch of
46
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:42,560
jokes about it in a segment we call
Sacred Cow.
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This week, we chose female body image.
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Now, can you discuss female body image
without being insulting and degrading?
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course not.
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00:03:52,620 --> 00:03:57,020
Enjoy. Now, doctor, what is your name
and what do you do?
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I am Dr.
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00:03:58,540 --> 00:04:02,160
Jordana Mansbacher, and I am a licensed
therapist.
53
00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,220
Why do you think so many women have body
image issues?
54
00:04:05,580 --> 00:04:09,680
There is cultural pressure, there is
media pressure to look a certain way,
55
00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:12,940
then there is that thinking that if I
look that certain way, my life is going
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00:04:12,940 --> 00:04:13,719
be perfect.
57
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Yeah, women are nuts, right?
58
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How do you tell one of your patients
that they've gained back too much
59
00:04:20,750 --> 00:04:23,790
I never tell my patients they've gained
back too much weight.
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00:04:24,050 --> 00:04:27,290
Do you ever send them a card that says
you've gotten fat again?
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No. I want to decrease the emphasis on
what someone looks like. That's my job.
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So you would never be like, hey, fatty,
fat, fat, fat.
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How'd you get so fat?
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You would never kind of go that route?
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Make it fun?
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00:04:42,190 --> 00:04:46,490
No, I would never make it fun. Now, what
part does the media play in making
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women obsessed about their bodies?
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The average model is 5 '11 and weighs
114 pounds.
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There you go. And young girls and women
are seeing that on magazine pages, and
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they're thinking that that's normal.
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Well, you can't stop progress.
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That's progress?
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Yeah. What would you like to be since
you're not happy in this body?
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I think I'm nailing it. I think we're
both nailing it, if you don't mind me
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saying so.
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00:05:10,290 --> 00:05:14,930
Now, next I'm going to talk to an
anorexic girl. Is there anything that I
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shouldn't say to her?
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You should avoid talking about her
appearance.
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You have an eating disorder.
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Most women with low self -esteem just
sleep with a bunch of guys.
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Why didn't you just do that?
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You can do both.
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That's what I was looking for, great.
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Can I be honest with you?
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There's nothing wrong with you. You are
perfect, other than mentally.
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So what is your name, and what do you
do? My name is Mariah, and I'm a
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cosmetologist. Why do you think the
girls with the little meat on their
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are so much happier than skinny girls?
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We're way more happier because we're
full.
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Do you prefer the term chubby, full
-figured, or best value?
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Best value.
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That's a good one. It is.
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What's the most hurtful fat joke that
you've ever heard?
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Let me give you some examples.
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How do you know when a fat person has
stopped eating?
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How? You just read their obituary.
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Knock, knock.
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Who's there?
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Obesity. Obesity who?
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It's not a joke. It's a wake -up call.
I'm worried about you.
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Tell me you just got hit by a car.
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I just got hit by a car. Oh, my God. Is
the car okay?
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All right, well, thank you so much for
being here, Mariah. You have a great
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sense of humor. Thank you.
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You are morbidly awesome.
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and T .J. Miller.
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Welcome back to the Jesselnik Offensive.
Kids, that last piece on female body
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image really got me to sympathize with
obese women.
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I mean, they've got the weight of the
world on their feet.
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So I wondered what I would do if I was a
morbidly obese woman. How would I
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handle it? Well, I handle it the same
way I handle everything else.
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With panache.
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Panache. Panache.
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Look at it.
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I'm so lucky you have a boyfriend.
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What's it like?
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Stupid bitches.
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Bitch. Bitch.
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And now, today's the first panel of the
rest of your panel. It's time for
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panel. Please welcome a former writer
for SNL. You know him from his Comedy
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Central special, New in Town. It's Sean
Mulaney.
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And the star of Yogi Bear 3D,
internationally reviled comedian and
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personal friend of mine, it's T .J.
Miller.
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It's offensive.
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It's offensive.
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I already need you to dial it back, T
.J.
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Now, John, I...
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Yeah,
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that happened. Yeah.
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I thought I heard that.
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Now, TJ, you used to live in New
Zealand.
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Now, did you find the Kiwis to be a
touchy and humorless people?
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No, I found them to have an absolute
moral truth and an ethical compass that
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would agree with.
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Okay. Wow.
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How many comedy clubs are there in New
Zealand?
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There's one. How many of those clubs are
you banned from for life?
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I would say one.
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That's what I thought. Your hair looks
unbelievable.
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I can't believe we aren't already
talking about it.
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It looks like your forehead is on fire
with a sandy blonde mess.
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It's an inferno.
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It is an Aryan inferno.
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CJ, this show is not just about fitting
the obvious.
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Now let's get right into it with the
best worst thing of the week. Of all the
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awful news stories, this one's my
favorite.
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Arkham Asylum Salama Lankham. Aurora
shooter James Holmes has reportedly
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converted to Islam in prison and is
praying up to five times a day. Better
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next time, Scientology.
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This is the last step in being the
worst, most hated person in America.
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He is now officially the hardest person
to play two truths and a lie with, I
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think. He's like, I'm a mass murderer,
I'm a devout Muslim, and
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one summer I worked at a Cold Stone
Creamery.
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Hard to know.
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That sucks you've got to pray five times
a day. That's no good.
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Some pharmaceutical company, they've got
to design a once -daily Islam prayer.
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Because you can't spend all day praying.
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And I hope I don't get killed for that
joke.
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Probably not. Every time he bends down
to pray, they're just going to rape him
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to shreds.
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During a prayer. Oh, yeah, for sure.
He's going to be praying that his ass
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be totally shredded from the rape
shredding that'll happen.
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Well, you know, I heard that James
Holmes prays five times a day that
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will tell him the ending of The Dark
Knight Rises.
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What other...
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What other advantages does James Holmes
have now that he's a Muslim?
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Great college essay.
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I mean, now that he has the beard,
easier to grip onto him when you're
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him to shreds.
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Up next is the worst, worst thing in the
week. It's a terrible story, just like
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the last one, only worse.
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Guns don't kill people.
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Congress kills people.
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A ban on assault weapons has been
dropped from a new Senate bill because
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isn't enough support in Congress even to
take a vote.
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Weren't we talking about this back in
the day? Back in the day, we were
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about this. We said it was bananas.
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Bananas. You guys, you both agreed it's
bananas. At the same moment. Yeah. I
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started to say bananas and then you said
nanas. Yeah.
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And I didn't know if he was talking
about Italian grandmothers or what, but
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knew that we agreed.
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Yeah.
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This is bananas!
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This is bananas!
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Honestly, I don't want my kids to grow
up in a world where assault weapons are
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legal, and thanks to Congress, they
probably won't grow up in that world.
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I say you can take away my assault
weapon when you pry it out of my curious
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-year -old's cold, dead hand.
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I mean, I don't think that assault
weapons are American. I think you do it
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old -fashioned way.
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Wolverine claws.
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Wolverine? Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
That's what I'm talking about.
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You're doing what Wolverine caused.
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00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:23,320
Mulaney, don't make a move. You're going
for my ranch. I'm not going to make a
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00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,520
move. I didn't know we could bring
props. Yeah, how did you get that in
196
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:29,940
don't know. Maybe the security guard got
raped to shreds.
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00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:36,280
All right, guys.
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Keep your game faces on.
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00:12:38,220 --> 00:12:41,600
Time to play a game called Gunshot Wound
or Italian Food.
200
00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:48,820
I'm going to show you a picture, and you
tell me if it's a gunshot wound or
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00:12:48,820 --> 00:12:49,960
Italian food.
202
00:12:50,780 --> 00:12:52,440
TJ, you're first. Take a look at this
picture.
203
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:55,820
Could be a gunshot wound. Could be
pizza.
204
00:12:56,540 --> 00:12:57,540
TJ, what do you think?
205
00:12:58,060 --> 00:13:02,120
I mean, I looked at my lower lip this
morning in the mirror, and I saw this
206
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:03,120
thing.
207
00:13:04,780 --> 00:13:07,300
I think it's an Italian gunshot wound.
208
00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:09,829
Mama Mia.
209
00:13:10,310 --> 00:13:13,230
It's a pizza. All right.
210
00:13:13,450 --> 00:13:15,610
All right, John Mulaney. Take a look at
this picture.
211
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:20,310
Could be a gunshot wound. Could be a
nice veal cutlet.
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00:13:20,670 --> 00:13:21,670
What do you think, John?
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00:13:22,370 --> 00:13:25,130
I love this little white thing creeping
in there.
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00:13:26,050 --> 00:13:32,190
Can we put Parmesan cheese on it and
then decide? I think it's a gunshot
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00:13:32,190 --> 00:13:34,250
on Chef Boyardee. That's my theory.
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00:13:34,490 --> 00:13:37,850
When you hear your family, it's a
gunshot wound.
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00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,280
On a black person. Oh.
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00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:47,300
On the biggest black vagina you've ever
seen.
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00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,020
Okay, this is the last one.
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00:13:51,260 --> 00:13:52,540
Take a look at this picture.
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00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:56,600
Could be a gunshot wound. Probably
mushroom risotto.
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00:13:57,580 --> 00:14:01,800
Is alien the third choice that we have?
It is not.
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00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:04,080
I'll go mushroom risotto.
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00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:05,900
That's amore.
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00:14:06,380 --> 00:14:07,820
It's a gunshot wound.
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00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:17,200
What do we want? More panel.
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00:14:17,460 --> 00:14:18,840
When do we want it? Panel.
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00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:20,500
We'll be right back with more panel.
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00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:25,480
Welcome
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00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:33,300
back.
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00:14:33,380 --> 00:14:35,140
We've got panel. Yes, we do.
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00:14:35,380 --> 00:14:38,080
We've got panel. How about panel? It's
more panel.
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00:14:39,210 --> 00:14:42,850
It's time for dating bloopers. We look
at the lighter side of dating
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00:14:42,850 --> 00:14:49,010
shenanigans. Enter stage rape. A man in
Arkansas staged a rape with a friend so
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00:14:49,010 --> 00:14:52,110
that he could pretend to be a hero and
save his female date.
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00:14:53,010 --> 00:14:55,950
Spoiler alert, he did not get that
second date.
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00:14:56,970 --> 00:15:00,330
Why did the thing that made me laugh the
hardest was that it was Arkansas? I
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00:15:00,330 --> 00:15:04,170
don't know, but it really set me off.
And you know all the people in Arkansas
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00:15:04,170 --> 00:15:07,050
are just being like, only in Arkansas.
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00:15:09,580 --> 00:15:14,200
I want to hear that conversation with
his buddy where he sort of asked, hey,
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00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:15,240
listen, I need a favor.
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00:15:15,580 --> 00:15:19,600
I want to start this conversation out by
saying you're not actually going to
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00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:20,600
rape anyone.
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00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,920
It's not a bad idea, you know, because
if you want to score with a chick, a
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00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,760
way to do it is to make her all freaked
out like she's going to get raped and
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00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:28,900
then the panties just drop.
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00:15:30,260 --> 00:15:33,280
Yeah, afterwards, like she's going to be
like, oh, God, that was terrible. Can
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00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,300
we go back to your place for white wine?
Yeah.
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00:15:36,410 --> 00:15:40,110
What if he wasn't able to defend against
his friend? Like, what if the friend
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00:15:40,110 --> 00:15:44,130
accidentally knocked him out and then
it's just him and the girl?
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00:15:45,890 --> 00:15:49,190
Kind of going, hey, I'm not actually
going to rape you.
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00:15:49,530 --> 00:15:52,290
Yeah. Carl told me a lot about you.
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00:15:53,810 --> 00:15:56,110
You're a nurse or something?
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00:15:57,190 --> 00:16:01,010
You start the new date. Yeah, they start
a new date. That's really sweet.
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00:16:01,790 --> 00:16:02,870
Champagne's already chilled.
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00:16:03,150 --> 00:16:07,270
Yeah. That's a major favor, though,
staging a fake rape. That is right
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00:16:07,270 --> 00:16:08,910
Pick Me Up at the airport, I think.
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00:16:09,980 --> 00:16:14,920
I mean, I would say you know your best
friends from just your friends by
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00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:20,380
or not they stage the rape or they stage
a rape shredding.
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00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:24,520
Callback. I like that. I like the
callback, TJ.
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00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:28,320
That's a very solid callback. You guys,
don't do it. Don't bring out the claws.
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00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,020
Hey, who likes a gay Wolverine? Oh,
stop.
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00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,800
Remember when I did that, Anthony, on
your show?
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00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,160
Yeah.
265
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:41,390
How about, TJ, let's say... this was
your girlfriend. You took her out on a
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00:16:41,390 --> 00:16:43,250
date. You planted a fake rape.
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00:16:43,510 --> 00:16:45,870
Yeah. She found out and doesn't want to
see you again.
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00:16:46,150 --> 00:16:48,770
You've got to convince her to go on a
second date with you.
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00:16:48,970 --> 00:16:53,150
I think, you know, I would look at the
girl and I would say, you know, there's
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00:16:53,150 --> 00:16:56,670
never a second chance at a first
impression.
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00:16:57,810 --> 00:17:00,970
But watch out behind you, Anthony
Jessup! It's going to rape you!
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00:17:03,070 --> 00:17:04,070
That's pretty good.
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00:17:04,490 --> 00:17:06,109
Melanie, why don't you take a shot at
this one?
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00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:10,280
Convince this lady she needs to go on a
second date with you, even though you
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00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:15,020
pretended to have her. Because I faked a
rape to win her heart on the first
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00:17:15,020 --> 00:17:17,920
date. This is now the second date.
You're trying to get her. You're like,
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00:17:18,020 --> 00:17:20,160
forget about that. Go on a second date
with me. Okay.
278
00:17:20,420 --> 00:17:21,420
All right.
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00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:23,960
Look, work's just been crazy lately.
280
00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:30,180
I know how it is.
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00:17:30,740 --> 00:17:31,740
I know how it is.
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00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:35,430
And now it's time. It's time to cut the
umbilical cord and flush the toilet.
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00:17:35,610 --> 00:17:36,790
It's defending your tweet.
284
00:17:38,910 --> 00:17:42,510
You tweeted it, now I'm going to read it
and ask you to defend it in front of
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00:17:42,510 --> 00:17:43,510
all these people.
286
00:17:43,870 --> 00:17:48,510
John, on August 28th, you tweeted, A
funny Hollywood thing to say would be,
287
00:17:48,630 --> 00:17:52,510
Carpe the per diem. Like a fun actress
could call her book that.
288
00:17:52,930 --> 00:17:53,930
Baranski, etc.
289
00:17:54,930 --> 00:17:57,550
John, defend your tweet. Solid tweet,
excellent tweet.
290
00:17:57,790 --> 00:18:04,330
It combines things that people on
Twitter love, like Latin and dated,
291
00:18:04,690 --> 00:18:06,910
fae Hollywood references.
292
00:18:08,530 --> 00:18:10,310
It's perfect for your audience.
293
00:18:10,610 --> 00:18:11,489
Perfect, yeah.
294
00:18:11,490 --> 00:18:14,010
I mean, I think I had them at Baranski.
295
00:18:14,470 --> 00:18:15,590
An upcoming guest.
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00:18:15,870 --> 00:18:19,970
And I don't have to do any more work
because I put the word et cetera at the
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00:18:19,970 --> 00:18:20,929
end.
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00:18:20,930 --> 00:18:22,510
The old comedy trick.
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00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,070
That's a great defense.
300
00:18:25,990 --> 00:18:30,090
I think you had him at Berinsky and you
lost him at Etcetera.
301
00:18:30,790 --> 00:18:33,050
Also, when you didn't have the word rape
in it.
302
00:18:34,850 --> 00:18:36,390
He got in another one.
303
00:18:36,690 --> 00:18:39,970
I never thought I would have to tell
another comedian, chill with the rape
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00:18:39,970 --> 00:18:40,970
stuff.
305
00:18:44,350 --> 00:18:47,930
TJ, on March 21st, you tweeted this.
306
00:18:48,610 --> 00:18:52,670
Ooh, boy, that was a doozy. You're going
to shit your pants.
307
00:18:53,020 --> 00:18:59,100
Why did I capitalize so many words? It
doesn't make sense which ones I chose.
308
00:19:01,060 --> 00:19:03,520
CJ, defend yourself.
309
00:19:05,900 --> 00:19:12,480
First of all, I don't think you should
try
310
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:16,980
and assume that that word was supposed
to be shot.
311
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,140
It's actually spit.
312
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:31,160
That was a doozy. You're going to spit
your pants.
313
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:35,780
Why did I do this show?
314
00:19:37,820 --> 00:19:39,620
Because you have nothing else.
315
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,920
You have burned every bridge you have in
this business.
316
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,280
But thank you both for being here
tonight.
317
00:19:47,540 --> 00:19:51,960
Catch John Mulaney live May 1st and 2nd
at Cobbs in San Francisco.
318
00:19:52,490 --> 00:19:55,030
And watch TJ's DeGore Burger Show on
YouTube.
319
00:19:55,670 --> 00:19:56,670
Google it.
320
00:20:14,190 --> 00:20:17,970
Thanks again to John Mulaney and T .J.
Miller. Also get tickets for my new
321
00:20:17,970 --> 00:20:22,490
spring tour at anthonyjeselnik .com and
follow me on Twitter at anthonyjeselnik.
322
00:20:22,490 --> 00:20:26,630
And at the show blog at cc .com slash
jeselnik. We'll see you next week, but
323
00:20:26,630 --> 00:20:30,070
before I go, let's take a look back at
the best moments from tonight's show.
324
00:20:33,310 --> 00:20:36,810
Hey, Darlene. Knock, knock.
325
00:20:37,090 --> 00:20:38,069
Who's there?
326
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:39,070
A black fella.
327
00:20:39,110 --> 00:20:40,170
Call the police!
328
00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:45,410
Hey, TJ, does that hurt?
329
00:20:45,910 --> 00:20:46,910
Not really.
330
00:20:47,890 --> 00:20:48,890
Told ya.
331
00:20:49,770 --> 00:20:50,770
Told ya.
332
00:20:52,010 --> 00:20:53,010
Ah, memories.
333
00:20:53,310 --> 00:20:55,070
Good night, kids. Go read a book.
334
00:20:59,850 --> 00:21:06,830
What is
335
00:21:06,830 --> 00:21:08,670
the perfect size for a woman?
336
00:21:08,910 --> 00:21:11,250
There is no perfect size for a woman.
337
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:14,980
other than what her body is supposed to
do. Seems like everyone should be able
338
00:21:14,980 --> 00:21:15,980
to fit into that box.
339
00:21:16,260 --> 00:21:19,080
Well, when you're talking about super
skinny women that you like, they're more
340
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:19,919
like this.
341
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:21,040
Not when I get through with them.
27515
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