All language subtitles for The Jeselnik Offensive s01e05 Andy Kindler and Brett Gelman

Jesselnick Offensive, how are you kids
doing tonight?

Fantastic. We've got another perfect
show for you tonight.

Brett Gelman and Andy Kindler are here.

But first, bad news is my business, and
this week, business is a -boomin'.

Huge story right out of the gate. Miley
Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have ended

their engagement.

So great news for all you guys out there
that love Miley Cyrus.

Liam Hemsworth is available.

Smoke him if you got him. Last week, a
man was caught in a grocery store in

California in a bathroom reading a
pornographic magazine while smoking

laced with cocaine and being accompanied
by a small child.

Police are still baffled.

by what it takes to get this man off.

Don't let this get you down. A company
in Pittsburgh has developed a new line

dolls called Dolls for Downs that have
the same characteristics as children

Down syndrome.

The dolls have been very popular,
although for some reason people keep

their orders during the first trimester.

Now, where are my papal lads? The papal
conclave has elected their new pope,

Pope Francis from Argentina.

He's the first pope ever from South
America and the 266th gay pope.

Swing batter batter.

Last week, a little league in Illinois
raffled off an AR -15 assault rifle to

raise money for the teams.

Great news if your favorite part of
baseball is watching kids get picked

Now, I don't know what to think about
this one. Last week, Taylor Swift

by a Nebraska hospital to pay a visit to
one of her biggest fans, a 10 -year

-old cancer patient.

The little girl was thrilled to meet her
idol in person and says it's something

she'll remember for as short as she
lives.

That was a great monologue.

I said it was a great monologue.

That was the president.

Kids, last week, the supreme leader of
North Korea, Kim Jong -un, threatened to

drop a nuclear bomb on the United
States.

But not all Asians are nuclear
dangerous.

Some of them are just karate dangerous.

So how do you tell the difference?

Practice. With the Jesselnik Offensive
audience game, which kind of Asian is

this?

our contestants will be playing for
tonight.

Pretty special stuff.

All right, let's have our first
contestant come on up here.

How you doing, buddy?

Thanks for joining me. What is your
name? My name is Randall. Your name is

Randall. What do you do, Randall? I am a
student.

Where? I go to school in Tampa, USF.

Tampa, USF. Wow.

Congratulations on getting into your
safety school.

Now, Randall, you might recognize this
next nationality from either the

or your last traffic accident.

Randall, which kind of Asian is this?
I'll give you a hint.

Dog.

I'm going to go with Korean. Korean.

I was looking for Indonesian.

Better luck next time you do something
racist. Thank you for playing.

So my next contestant, come on out here.

Hey, look at this.

Thank you for playing. What is your
name?

My name's Tina.

Hell yeah, it is.

Tina, what do you do? I'm a flight
attendant. You're a flight attendant.

couldn't hack it as a pilot, huh?

No, I couldn't. Oh, too bad.

Tina. I'm going to ask you to open your
eyes as wide as you can and tell me

which kind of Asian is this.

It's a tough one. I'll give you a little
help.

Dog fried rice.

Chinese? Chinese.

Oh, you have brought great shame to your
family. I'm sorry.

I was looking for Laotian or Laotian.

Pronounced either way, both are
incorrect.

Thank you for playing. Thank you.

Let's bring up our final contestant.

Thank you for playing.

What is your name?

Jonathan. Jonathan, and what do you do?
I'm a movie critic. A movie critic? Oh,

we need more of those.

What's the name of your blog?

I'm on a radio station and also on a
Huffington Post.

Oh, Huffington Post and a radio station.
Do you get paid for either one?

A little from YouTube.

Okay, a little from YouTube.

I don't believe that either.

Okay,

Jonathan, this is a lot of pressure on
you. I know. But nothing compared to

you've gotten from your parents, I'm
sure.

Jonathan, tell me, which kind of Asian
is this?

The worst kind.

Mickey Rooney. That is Mickey Rooney,
but what kind of Asian is he portraying?

Japanese. Japanese?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was looking for Oriental.

Mickey Rooney is portraying an Oriental.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

If you can tell me the movie. I'll give
you the prize anyway.

Breakfast at Tiffany's. Breakfast at
Tiffany's. Thank you very much. Thank

Jonathan, for playing.

Big thank you to all our contestants.

I hope everybody learned a little
something about cultures and how best to

them. We'll be right back with Brett
Gelman and Andy Timmer.

Welcome back to the Jesselnik Offensive.
I know I've been offending a lot of

different types of people on my show.
But I want you to know, before you

complain, I have one of the most diverse
staff in all of television. So I'd like

to introduce some of them right now with
the Jesselnik Offensive diversity roll

call.

Chinese Andrew.

Guy I confused for Chinese Andrew.

Black Steve.

Steve.

Me.

Abusive Relationship Janice.

Abusive Relationship Damon.

Donnie Wooden Spoons for Arms.

Surviving Siamese Twin Samantha.

And Jazzy Jennifer.

Birthday Cake.

for everybody's favorite part of the
show, the part where I introduce the

It's time for panel.

Please welcome frequent guest and
correspondent for The Late Show with

Letterman and the voice of Mort on Bob's
Burgers, Andy Kindler. And the best

comedian and actor that has or ever will
do this show, or so he tells me, from

NBC's Go On and Adult Swim's Eagle
Heart, Brett Gelman.

comedy should know that we've a lot in
common. We're both always talking about

Hitler. That's right. Of course, I told
you the pro -Hitler jokes would not go

over, but that's what you do.

But you have a general Aryan vibe to
you.

Hitler just seems like a bro.

Did you know that Hitler used to refer
to his enemies as haters?

No.

I knew that. I knew that.

Now, Brett, it says here that you used
to eat an entire brick of cheese in one

sitting when you were a kid? Yeah.

How did that work out for you?

Terrible, terrible. I would get so
constipated. I'd be on the toilet for

My mother would read bedtime stories to
me.

She'd be like, good night, moon. Put
your head between your legs. It'll come

faster.

You know, like that type of thing.
Sounds like she was a great mom, but not

of a dietician.

I used to eat bricks when I was a kid.

Boom! Huh?

We make fun of a product that's new and
unfamiliar to us.

Lay lady latex.

Brazil's top sex toy company is letting
men bid for the chance to take the

virginity of the country's first locally
made real doll. And the bidding is up

to $100 ,000.

It's like that old saying, why buy the
cow when you can lease it for the price

of a house?

Is there a chance of there being
treasure inside the doll?

No, but you know it's a virgin because
the styrofoam peanuts are still in

If I had a doll for every woman I've
slept with who had styrofoam peanuts in

her. How much money would you have?

I don't know, but I've heard that that's
a good premise.

This is not really happening. People are
bidding to see if this is happening.

They're not even buying the doll.
They're bidding the right to take its

virginity. And then some other lucky guy
gets to buy the doll later.

Let's move on to the classic game,
Brazilian sex doll or Kenmore

I'm going to give you guys a product
feature.

You tell me if it's a feature of the
Brazilian sex doll or of a Kenmore

dishwasher. Ready? First feature,
oversized rack to accommodate large

Kenmore dishwasher or Brazilian sex
doll?

Kenmore dishwasher.

Yeah. Nobody who's having sex with that
doll has...

a penis that they're not ashamed of.

And the answer is... 10 more dishwasher.

Nice. Nice.

Okay. Up next is a tricky one.

Designed for large loads, but forcing
something to fit may void the warranty.

Resilient sex doll or 10 more
dishwasher?

It's a tough one. I'm going to say
Brazilian sex doll because I'm sure that

of those perverts are going to sneak a
deuce or two inside of you.

Is that ugly?

No. Is that bad?

I think it's a thinker for the audience
at home. I think it's true.

I think if you're having sex with that
doll, you're definitely shitting in it.

I would like to go.

With whatever he didn't say, because his
answer sickens me.

Let's see what the answer is.

Sex doll.

Is that the doll?

That is the doll. Oh! No!

I didn't know that we were dealing with
this.

She's pretty hot, right? Did you see her
in Silver Linings Playbook?

Next option. Makes noise when you have
sex with it.

Resilient sex doll or Kenmore
dishwasher?

Andy, you look like you want to jump all
over this one.

I, in college.

Okay.

Take me back, Andy.

A couple of times, we did have sex with
the dishwasher.

And his name was Lupe!

I don't know what I'm saying. I don't
know who I am. I don't know what I'm

saying.

I'll go with the dishwasher.

Dishwasher, right? I think it's the
dishwasher, but I think that there

a voice feature on the doll that while
you're having sex with it, it says, oh

yeah, baby, give it to me, daddy, and
you're making a psychologically altering

mistake.

I'm giving a lot of thought. The answer
is both.

It's a tie.

Does she always look like that? Does she
always have that look?

And that was something that went on way
too long.

Up next is for the ladies. We look down
through the glass ceiling at our stories

for women.

Who wants two tickets to the gun show?
Your mother.

That's who.

A new study shows the fastest growing
group of gun owners in the U .S. are

women. I think it's great that more
women are taking the initiative to

accidentally shoot themselves.

Um, yeah, you know.

I knew he'd score.

No.

They're getting guns.

They already got our guns.

You know what I'm saying, fellas?

Bang.

I'm a pig. I'm talking about my penis.

Okay. Oh, okay.

One thing you have to worry about,
though, is they probably won't use the

because they won't be able to find it in
their purse. Am I right?

Who's with me?

You are right. Hey, hey.

You always...

You notice how guys, they always have to
ask, and they want to ask for

directions, guys, you notice that? And
women always shoot you in the eye.

I think it's cool that we can stop
worrying about concealed weapons,

know women can't keep a secret.

They don't need them.

They already got their jibber -jabber
-yappers, am I right, fella? They'll

you with the nagging! With the constant
nagging!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

You'll never do this!

What's wrong with you?

Seriously, though. Can I be serious for
one second?

I want to be serious for one second.

I really believe that women should have
the right to have a gun, but if they

have that right, they have to give up
another right. Voting, whatever they

Put that panel on your mantle. We'll be
right back with more panel.

Welcome back.

Should we leave you thirsting for more
panel? Well, get ready to drink deep

the cup of more panel. It's more panel.

And now for our segment, Culture
Clubbing, where we take a baseball bat

China shop of human intellectual
achievement.

Give me my refund in singles.

Jim Jones and The Game are joining other
rappers in declaring strip club

expenses as tax deductions.

This will be a real boon for that one
rapper who did his taxes once.

Well, I don't know what Jim Jones is,
but this is the best work he's done

Jonestown, right?

Too soon?

Too late?

Are you not a hip -hop fan?

What are you, drinking the Kool -Aid?

I've heard, this is true though, no, no,
I heard this, I heard this, that a lot

of rappers, they can make a lot of
deductions under the heading

bling.

The 2106, 2106 form.

Fred, try to get a word in edgewise.

No, they got a new thing. Instead of a
lap dance, they're doing this new thing

called a tax dance, which is the same
thing as a lap dance, only your

accountant's sitting right next to you,
and he's saying, this is a really good

idea.

What's, like, the weirdest tax write
-off that you guys do as comedians?

I deduct all food all the time. Why not,
right? Give it a shot.

Yeah, that's illegal.

Also, I make up a lot of stuff.

Yeah. Computer, $50 ,000.

Do you have an accent all the time?
Yeah, computer. I do it as a New York

Hey! When the IRS calls me, I go, yeah,
yeah, that was for a computer.

I deducted hair plugs.

Mine.

Huh? Very good.

Not that good. But I was going to say,
I'm being audited.

Oh,

I think.

It's time to put your baby in the dryer
and turn it on high.

It's defending your tweet.

You tweet it, and I'm going to read it
and ask you to defend it in front of all

these people.

Andy Kindler. On March 12th, you tweeted
the following.

I don't want to live in a world where
the reference 1910 Fruit Gum Company is

not met with howls of laughter and
nudging elbows.

Andy, defend that tweet.

Feel free to go word by word.

Uh, well, look, they laughed, right?

Why do the kids today do not respect
references?

They don't know the references.

I mean, they can't find Iraq on a map.
That's fine with me. But I want to be

able to stay in a club. Hey, look at
this. It was Gary Puck in the Union Gaps

over here. Boom!

What do you think? What do I look like,
a member of Every Mother's Son?

That's what I want.

Now, Brett. Yeah.

On September 4th, you tweeted, If my ass
wanted to be kissed, it wouldn't be

shitting all the time.

Greg Gellman, defend your tweet.

That was a lie.

I love compliments.

And I haven't taken a decent BM in three
weeks!

I don't have a problem with your joke.
It was a look of pride on your face.

It means that I'm older and I'm more
mature.

Guys, thank you so much for being here
tonight.

Catch Andy appearing at the Moon Tower
Comedy Festival in Austin, Texas, April

24th through 27th. And watch Brett and
go on Tuesdays at 9 on NBC.

We'll be right back with more show.

Thanks again to Andy Kindler and Brett
Gelman. Also get tickets for my new

spring tour at anthonyjeselnik .com and
follow me on Twitter at anthonyjeselnik.

Also at the show blog at cc .com slash
jeselnik. We'll see you next week, but

before I go, let's take a look back at
the best moments from tonight's show.

Oh, I want a girl just like the girl who
made...

Okay, I'm the bad guy now? I guess you
got a good deal on acrylic.

Here's something.

I don't agree with you, Anthony.

Anthony. What are you, an Italian guy?

Why are you saying things?

Why? And wherefore? If not me, then who?

If not now, then when?

If not this direction, then that
direction.

When I open my eyes like this, Anthony,
it would be good if I had something to

say that made a point.

That's it. I can't take it.

Good night, kids. Go read a book.

And lo, the blood of the Christian
babies was drunk, thus prolonging the

of the elders of Zion.

And that was the story of Passover.

L 'chaim!

And may your tuchus be as long as your
smiths.