All language subtitles for The Jeselnik Offensive s01e04 Brian Posehn and Doug Benson

Thank you, and welcome to the Jesselnik
Offensive. I'm Anthony Jesselnik. How

you kids doing tonight?

Fantastic.

We have got another perfect show for you
tonight. Doug Benson and Brian Postain

are here.

A lot of horrible things. A lot of
horrible things happened in the news

week. And when it rains, it pours.

Believe it or not, Justin Bieber was
booed at his concert in London last

After he took the stage... Yeah.

Cheer that boo.

After he took the stage two hours later
than his scheduled time.

But in his defense, Usher takes forever
to...

Would you guys... Would you guys

bleep that?

Come on!

Do I have to come up there?

I will all over the place.

I'm doing science.

Scientists say astronauts traveling to
Mars should line the walls of their

spacecraft with their own feces to
protect against space radiation.

That is crazy.

Smearing your own feces on the wall
really does protect against cosmic rays.

I think Embassy Suites owes Amanda Bynes
an apology.

Check out those bunny horns. Playboy is
launching a Hebrew -language edition of

their men's magazine.

All the models will be Israeli, and all
their turn -ons will be negotiating for

more turn -ons.

Now let's get into this one. The state
of Hawaii has just passed the Stephen

Tyler Act.

which protects celebrities from the
paparazzi after embarrassing photos were

taken of Tyler and his girlfriend at the
beach house.

She was on the beach, and he was resting
on his stick under a heat lamp eating

crickets.

I don't know what to think about this
one. A transgender MMA

fighter who was born a man has set her
sights on fighting in the UFC.

She says she has no advantage over
naturally born women, except for the

that she's reasonable.

You know that's what they're like.

You know it.

God, we're so different.

Here's a joke. Here's a joke for the
whole family.

The director of the video for the
classic Fuji song, Killing Me Softly, is

trial for impregnating three of his
daughters to create a pure bloodline.

Yeah, that is terrible.

Now I have that song stuck in my head.

Now, this story is just cute enough.

Actress Allison Hannigan has taken out a
restraining order against the stalker

who's been threatening to kill her.

Of course, Hannigan is best known for
How I Met Your Mother, American Pie, and

Living at 1442 Limbar Drive, West
Hollywood, California.

And finally, stay classy.

A man in San Diego has been charged with
assaulting a woman he met through a

Christian dating website.

It's like the old saying goes, when you
see one set of footprints, that's when I

was raping you.

That was a great monologue.

My man!

Now, kids, we joke around a lot on this
show, but this next piece is close to my

heart. Last week, a man in New Zealand
was attacked by a 14 -foot great white

shark. Was he killed?

You bet your sweet ass he was killed.

And he had a family and everything.

And as the Jets will make offensive, a
great white attack is a black tie

So chain up the doors and light the
ceiling on fire. It's time for Shark

for a second.

I'm so excited I can barely control
myself.

Do you know that sharks have been around
for over 400 million years?

They're perfect killing machines.

They mostly eat fields.

Sharks don't even like the taste of
people, but that's why tonight is so

special.

Let's bring it down again. I'm just too
fired up.

Kids, I don't think we appreciate sharks
enough.

These majestic creatures keep our oceans
clean, and we kill them for their fins.

We should be giving sharks the keys to
our cities and all the money we give our

teachers.

So when a shark kills a man, you've got
to give thanks.

made this all possible.

Smile, you son of a bitch.

And that brings this year's total to
people killed by sharks, one.

Sharks killed by people, 17 million.

Jedis, full bellies, can't lose.

We'll be right back with Doug Benson and
Brian Posse.

Welcome back to the Jeselnik Offensive.
Kids, in Hollywood, image is everything.

And the paparazzi are everywhere.

But celebrities can't look their best
all the time, and sometimes they get

caught. For instance, Jennifer Lopez
looks flawless here. Truly America's

Rican princess.

But have you seen her five -year -old
daughter without makeup?

Yuck.

More like Jenny from The Blah.

This little Jersey girl looks like she
got hit by Hurricane Sandy.

Hey, kid, how about putting in some
effort next time?

No moss.

Now, Tom Cruise is the biggest movie
star in the world, and it's easy to see

why. He's always perfectly put together.
But check out his six -year -old

daughter without makeup.

Whoa.

This little sign of the Church of
Scientology needs to get herself to a

of cosmetology.

Suri looks like she's starring in
Mission Impossible Gross Protocol.

Suri, it's time to put down your toys
and pick up some lipstick or something.

mean, Jesus.

Now, we were introduced to the
unparalleled beauty of Kate Hudson in

Almost Famous. She's truly stunning.

But wait until you see her precious nine
-year -old son without any makeup

whatsoever.

with celebrity kids without makeup.

Hey, hey, with a panel, and people say
we panel around.

It's panel.

From Comedy Central's The Sarah
Silverman Program and the writer of

Deadpool comics, please welcome the
hilarious Brian Postain.

And from Super High Me and his new doc,
The Greatest Movie Ever Rolled,

available now at chill .com, my pal Doug
Benson.

You're actually the person who started
the backlash against Nickelback. Is that

true?

Maybe, but I think really anybody could
have done it.

All you need are ears.

Now, Doug, you just performed on a
cruise.

After that whole Carnival Cruise fiasco,
why would you do that?

Both boats are shit boats, and the boat
I was on...

was a 311 cruise, the band.

I don't want to say that their fans are
really into drugs, but it was more like

the good shit boat.

I'll take that.

Now let's get right into it with the
best worst thing of the week. Of all the

awful news stories, this one's my
favorite.

Nobody puts baby in a coffin.

A baby infected with the virus that
causes AIDS appears to have been cured

the disease.

It's like magic.

Now, guys, it's important to note the
difference between HIV and AIDS.

AIDS is the funnier one.

I had HIV once, but then... But then I
got to draw four more Scrabble

tiles, and it was fine.

Without a doubt, though, baby AIDS is
the cutest AIDS there is. By far.

By far.

I'm just waiting for an AIDS -cured ham.

That sounds delicious.

I want to know about the other baby that
gave that baby AIDS.

All right, now, we're all comedians
here.

How is a baby being cured of AIDS going
to affect your act now? You know, what

is now the go -to funny way for a baby
to take a dirt nap?

Like, I'm going to go on a limb and say
suicide by cop.

Put that gun down, baby.

Benjamin buttoning would be another way.
That's a good, that's a funny one. Fun

way for babies to go.

Mob hit.

Mob hit's good.

Mob hit's good.

When a baby's in a mob hit, does it
sleep with the guppies?

Just thought of that.

Tying into your earlier bit, a baby
shark attack would be terrific. Baby

attack would be great.

Little adorable frenzy. Tiny little
adorable baby sharks. They just want to

him.

And now for our segment, culture
clubbing. We take a baseball bat to the

shop of human intellectual achievement,
where sometimes we just rap about weed.

Lawmakers in Colorado are debating
whether to set strict THC blood level

for people found driving under the
influence of marijuana.

Or maybe they're not, and we're all just
being paranoid.

I think this brings up a really
interesting question. If they start

these laws in California, can someone
give me a ride home?

I'm here, and I got here safely.

I think maybe a bigger question is, what
if it's not about the THC levels in our

bodies? What if it's actually people in
our bloodstream and our bodies are just

ecosystems? Did you ever think about
that, man?

No? I couldn't follow that.

I'm so high right now, I think I saw you
get a lap dance from a shark.

Now, if you guys saw someone driving
stoned, how would you know they were

stoned? Oh, they'd have a bumper sticker
that says, how am I driving? Seriously,

how am I driving?

How am I pulling this shit off?

They left their awesome pet snake on top
of the car by mistake.

Or they're actually sitting on top of
the car. Yeah.

In a bathrobe.

They're the ones that are obeying all
the traffic laws because they don't want

to get caught driving while they're
stoned.

Very true.

Now, up next is for the ladies. We talk
about the things that interest women,

like shoes, purses, and semen.

Whatever you do, don't art in my hair.

A New York art school student who
created a piece of art featuring 68

his own semen in a mini -fridge had it
seized by school officials who felt it

was a health and safety issue.

Guys, this is insane.

Whatever happened to convincing our
young artists they should show more

That little fridge is officially the
world's worst mini -bar.

What comes me out is that's art.

But when I pee in a Slurpee cup, I'm
disgusting.

What would your art project be like
based on your own semen?

I would build a model submarine.

And then fill it with my semen.

Last year I did the Statue of David on
my wife's back.

Those are both great answers.

that I'm sure we'll be testifying about
later.

Out of the frying panel and into the
panel, we'll be right back with more

Man.

But we look at the lighter side of
dating shenanigans.

Well, don't just lie there.

That's what the corpse is for.

An Illinois couple is charged with
murdering two guys and then having sex

of the bodies.

I'm not sure I want to make jokes about
this story.

I'm not really necrophilin it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think two dead corpses is more just
like the ultimate Japanese body pillow.

Yeah, they're not that weird.

No.

They're cool.

They put bags on the heads of the
bodies, which I would do, too, because

I'm trying to make love to my lady, I
don't want some dead, creepy, staring

looking at me.

I don't need that.

But instead of putting bags on, why
don't you just do one of those?

You know what I mean?

And you know she takes it in the butt.

On top of the dead body?

Because when you're having sex on top of
dead bodies, you've run out of things

to do.

What they did is like group sex, but
with half the chatter.

This brings me to a game I want to play
with you guys. It's called Corpse Orgy,

Hot or Not.

I'm going to give you the dead bodies.
Oh, that old game.

Yeah.

Play the home version.

Yeah, yeah. Let's do it on TV. I'm going
to give you the dead bodies and the

room, and then show you a picture of a
woman. You tell me whether or not you

would have sex with her on top of the
bodies. All right? You guys ready? Okay.

All right, there's your bodies.

I'm going to set the mood for you guys.

First, Kate Upton.

Yes.

I'd have sex with her on a thousand
corpses.

I would have sex with a thousand corpses
to get to her. Yes.

I'd have sex with Kate Upton on top of
my mom.

Dead or alive.

That is impressive.

Up next, Queen Latifah.

Keep in mind, she is royalty.

What do you think, yes or no?

Can I do the corpses instead?

Of course you can once you've finished
chewing on them.

Doug, you're excited.

What do you got?

I didn't have anything, really. I was
just going to say, she seems like a nice

lady.

But, uh... All right, up next, it's our
Jessalynick Offensive 2 for Tuesday.

Abby and Brittany.

Abby and Brittany. What do you think?
Yes or no?

I had to actually look up who they were.
Really?

And the answer is yes. Yeah.

The one on the left.

Are there two holes?

No idea.

I'm sure their lawyers will tell you.
No, there are two holes, but two front

holes?

I don't know.

I don't think anything goes with these
two ladies.

I would have sex with them just because
the less weird aspect of the story would

be the corpse thing.

Now it's time to put a noose around your
neck and kick out the chair.

It's defending your tweet.

You tweeted it. Now I'm going to read it
and ask you to defend it in front of

all these people.

Doug, you are first.

On January 8th, you tweeted the
following.

Bad service on my flight home.

asked for an ice water, and the
attendant brought me a fly swatter. In

defense, they do sound similar.

Doug, defend your tweet. How high were
you when you wrote this?

How high was I?

How high was the flight attendant when
she gave me a fly swatter?

Why would she even think someone's
asking for that?

I don't know. How many times did you ask
her for the fly swatter?

I had cotton mouth. I needed a lot of
fly swatter.

All right, Brian.

This is one of my favorite tweets ever.

On September 19th, you tweeted, re
-watching The Myth, would I be the first

to jerk it to Marcia Gay Harden getting
shot in the forehead?

Brian Posain, defend your tweet.

All right.

Let me set the scene.

So I'm re -watching The Myth.

And I'm masturbating.

And Marsha K. Harden comes on.

What happens then? I wrote the tweet.

But she does get shot in the head. I was
like, I gotta stop.

You gotta pause. Yeah, yeah. You gotta
pause and tweet this. I'll be back to

you, buddy.

This is totally tweetable.

Well, your penis sounds patient.

Well, thank you guys so much for being
here tonight.

Catch Brian's hour special, The Fartist.

Available now on Netflix and subscribe
to the Doug Loves Movies podcast on

iTunes. We'll be right back with more
stuff.

Thanks again to Doug Benson and Brian
Posehn. Also get tickets for my new

tour at anthonyjeselnik .com. Follow me
on Twitter at anthonyjeselnik. And at

the show blog at cc .com slash jeselnik.
We'll see you next week. Before I go,

let's take a look back at the best
moments from tonight's show.

Come on. Come on, little buddy. You can
do this.

Come on, Osama. You got this.

Come on, Osama. Just a few more steps.

And you did it! You did it!

Come here. I'm so proud of everything
you've done.

Everything.