Original subtitles

Thank you, and welcome to the Jesselnik Offensive. I'm Anthony Jesselnik. How

you kids doing tonight?

Fantastic.

We have got another perfect show for you tonight. Doug Benson and Brian Postain

are here.

A lot of horrible things. A lot of horrible things happened in the news

week. And when it rains, it pours.

Believe it or not, Justin Bieber was booed at his concert in London last

After he took the stage... Yeah.

Cheer that boo.

After he took the stage two hours later than his scheduled time.

But in his defense, Usher takes forever to...

Would you guys... Would you guys

bleep that?

Come on!

Do I have to come up there?

I will all over the place.

I'm doing science.

Scientists say astronauts traveling to Mars should line the walls of their

spacecraft with their own feces to protect against space radiation.

That is crazy.

Smearing your own feces on the wall really does protect against cosmic rays.

I think Embassy Suites owes Amanda Bynes an apology.

Check out those bunny horns. Playboy is launching a Hebrew -language edition of

their men's magazine.

All the models will be Israeli, and all their turn -ons will be negotiating for

more turn -ons.

Now let's get into this one. The state of Hawaii has just passed the Stephen

Tyler Act.

which protects celebrities from the paparazzi after embarrassing photos were

taken of Tyler and his girlfriend at the beach house.

She was on the beach, and he was resting on his stick under a heat lamp eating

crickets.

I don't know what to think about this one. A transgender MMA

fighter who was born a man has set her sights on fighting in the UFC.

She says she has no advantage over naturally born women, except for the

that she's reasonable.

You know that's what they're like.

You know it.

God, we're so different.

Here's a joke. Here's a joke for the whole family.

The director of the video for the classic Fuji song, Killing Me Softly, is

trial for impregnating three of his daughters to create a pure bloodline.

Yeah, that is terrible.

Now I have that song stuck in my head.

Now, this story is just cute enough.

Actress Allison Hannigan has taken out a restraining order against the stalker

who's been threatening to kill her.

Of course, Hannigan is best known for How I Met Your Mother, American Pie, and

Living at 1442 Limbar Drive, West Hollywood, California.

And finally, stay classy.

A man in San Diego has been charged with assaulting a woman he met through a

Christian dating website.

It's like the old saying goes, when you see one set of footprints, that's when I

was raping you.

That was a great monologue.

My man!

Now, kids, we joke around a lot on this show, but this next piece is close to my

heart. Last week, a man in New Zealand was attacked by a 14 -foot great white

shark. Was he killed?

You bet your sweet ass he was killed.

And he had a family and everything.

And as the Jets will make offensive, a great white attack is a black tie

So chain up the doors and light the ceiling on fire. It's time for Shark

for a second.

I'm so excited I can barely control myself.

Do you know that sharks have been around for over 400 million years?

They're perfect killing machines.

They mostly eat fields.

Sharks don't even like the taste of people, but that's why tonight is so

special.

Let's bring it down again. I'm just too fired up.

Kids, I don't think we appreciate sharks enough.

These majestic creatures keep our oceans clean, and we kill them for their fins.

We should be giving sharks the keys to our cities and all the money we give our

teachers.

So when a shark kills a man, you've got to give thanks.

made this all possible.

Smile, you son of a bitch.

And that brings this year's total to people killed by sharks, one.

Sharks killed by people, 17 million.

Jedis, full bellies, can't lose.

We'll be right back with Doug Benson and Brian Posse.

Welcome back to the Jeselnik Offensive. Kids, in Hollywood, image is everything.

And the paparazzi are everywhere.

But celebrities can't look their best all the time, and sometimes they get

caught. For instance, Jennifer Lopez looks flawless here. Truly America's

Rican princess.

But have you seen her five -year -old daughter without makeup?

Yuck.

More like Jenny from The Blah.

This little Jersey girl looks like she got hit by Hurricane Sandy.

Hey, kid, how about putting in some effort next time?

No moss.

Now, Tom Cruise is the biggest movie star in the world, and it's easy to see

why. He's always perfectly put together. But check out his six -year -old

daughter without makeup.

Whoa.

This little sign of the Church of Scientology needs to get herself to a

of cosmetology.

Suri looks like she's starring in Mission Impossible Gross Protocol.

Suri, it's time to put down your toys and pick up some lipstick or something.

mean, Jesus.

Now, we were introduced to the unparalleled beauty of Kate Hudson in

Almost Famous. She's truly stunning.

But wait until you see her precious nine -year -old son without any makeup

whatsoever.

with celebrity kids without makeup.

Hey, hey, with a panel, and people say we panel around.

It's panel.

From Comedy Central's The Sarah Silverman Program and the writer of

Deadpool comics, please welcome the hilarious Brian Postain.

And from Super High Me and his new doc, The Greatest Movie Ever Rolled,

available now at chill .com, my pal Doug Benson.

You're actually the person who started the backlash against Nickelback. Is that

true?

Maybe, but I think really anybody could have done it.

All you need are ears.

Now, Doug, you just performed on a cruise.

After that whole Carnival Cruise fiasco, why would you do that?

Both boats are shit boats, and the boat I was on...

was a 311 cruise, the band.

I don't want to say that their fans are really into drugs, but it was more like

the good shit boat.

I'll take that.

Now let's get right into it with the best worst thing of the week. Of all the

awful news stories, this one's my favorite.

Nobody puts baby in a coffin.

A baby infected with the virus that causes AIDS appears to have been cured

the disease.

It's like magic.

Now, guys, it's important to note the difference between HIV and AIDS.

AIDS is the funnier one.

I had HIV once, but then... But then I got to draw four more Scrabble

tiles, and it was fine.

Without a doubt, though, baby AIDS is the cutest AIDS there is. By far.

By far.

I'm just waiting for an AIDS -cured ham.

That sounds delicious.

I want to know about the other baby that gave that baby AIDS.

All right, now, we're all comedians here.

How is a baby being cured of AIDS going to affect your act now? You know, what

is now the go -to funny way for a baby to take a dirt nap?

Like, I'm going to go on a limb and say suicide by cop.

Put that gun down, baby.

Benjamin buttoning would be another way. That's a good, that's a funny one. Fun

way for babies to go.

Mob hit.

Mob hit's good.

Mob hit's good.

When a baby's in a mob hit, does it sleep with the guppies?

Just thought of that.

Tying into your earlier bit, a baby shark attack would be terrific. Baby

attack would be great.

Little adorable frenzy. Tiny little adorable baby sharks. They just want to

him.

And now for our segment, culture clubbing. We take a baseball bat to the

shop of human intellectual achievement, where sometimes we just rap about weed.

Lawmakers in Colorado are debating whether to set strict THC blood level

for people found driving under the influence of marijuana.

Or maybe they're not, and we're all just being paranoid.

I think this brings up a really interesting question. If they start

these laws in California, can someone give me a ride home?

I'm here, and I got here safely.

I think maybe a bigger question is, what if it's not about the THC levels in our

bodies? What if it's actually people in our bloodstream and our bodies are just

ecosystems? Did you ever think about that, man?

No? I couldn't follow that.

I'm so high right now, I think I saw you get a lap dance from a shark.

Now, if you guys saw someone driving stoned, how would you know they were

stoned? Oh, they'd have a bumper sticker that says, how am I driving? Seriously,

how am I driving?

How am I pulling this shit off?

They left their awesome pet snake on top of the car by mistake.

Or they're actually sitting on top of the car. Yeah.

In a bathrobe.

They're the ones that are obeying all the traffic laws because they don't want

to get caught driving while they're stoned.

Very true.

Now, up next is for the ladies. We talk about the things that interest women,

like shoes, purses, and semen.

Whatever you do, don't art in my hair.

A New York art school student who created a piece of art featuring 68

his own semen in a mini -fridge had it seized by school officials who felt it

was a health and safety issue.

Guys, this is insane.

Whatever happened to convincing our young artists they should show more

That little fridge is officially the world's worst mini -bar.

What comes me out is that's art.

But when I pee in a Slurpee cup, I'm disgusting.

What would your art project be like based on your own semen?

I would build a model submarine.

And then fill it with my semen.

Last year I did the Statue of David on my wife's back.

Those are both great answers.

that I'm sure we'll be testifying about later.

Out of the frying panel and into the panel, we'll be right back with more

Man.

But we look at the lighter side of dating shenanigans.

Well, don't just lie there.

That's what the corpse is for.

An Illinois couple is charged with murdering two guys and then having sex

of the bodies.

I'm not sure I want to make jokes about this story.

I'm not really necrophilin it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think two dead corpses is more just like the ultimate Japanese body pillow.

Yeah, they're not that weird.

No.

They're cool.

They put bags on the heads of the bodies, which I would do, too, because

I'm trying to make love to my lady, I don't want some dead, creepy, staring

looking at me.

I don't need that.

But instead of putting bags on, why don't you just do one of those?

You know what I mean?

And you know she takes it in the butt.

On top of the dead body?

Because when you're having sex on top of dead bodies, you've run out of things

to do.

What they did is like group sex, but with half the chatter.

This brings me to a game I want to play with you guys. It's called Corpse Orgy,

Hot or Not.

I'm going to give you the dead bodies. Oh, that old game.

Yeah.

Play the home version.

Yeah, yeah. Let's do it on TV. I'm going to give you the dead bodies and the

room, and then show you a picture of a woman. You tell me whether or not you

would have sex with her on top of the bodies. All right? You guys ready? Okay.

All right, there's your bodies.

I'm going to set the mood for you guys.

First, Kate Upton.

Yes.

I'd have sex with her on a thousand corpses.

I would have sex with a thousand corpses to get to her. Yes.

I'd have sex with Kate Upton on top of my mom.

Dead or alive.

That is impressive.

Up next, Queen Latifah.

Keep in mind, she is royalty.

What do you think, yes or no?

Can I do the corpses instead?

Of course you can once you've finished chewing on them.

Doug, you're excited.

What do you got?

I didn't have anything, really. I was just going to say, she seems like a nice

lady.

But, uh... All right, up next, it's our Jessalynick Offensive 2 for Tuesday.

Abby and Brittany.

Abby and Brittany. What do you think? Yes or no?

I had to actually look up who they were. Really?

And the answer is yes. Yeah.

The one on the left.

Are there two holes?

No idea.

I'm sure their lawyers will tell you. No, there are two holes, but two front

holes?

I don't know.

I don't think anything goes with these two ladies.

I would have sex with them just because the less weird aspect of the story would

be the corpse thing.

Now it's time to put a noose around your neck and kick out the chair.

It's defending your tweet.

You tweeted it. Now I'm going to read it and ask you to defend it in front of

all these people.

Doug, you are first.

On January 8th, you tweeted the following.

Bad service on my flight home.

asked for an ice water, and the attendant brought me a fly swatter. In

defense, they do sound similar.

Doug, defend your tweet. How high were you when you wrote this?

How high was I?

How high was the flight attendant when she gave me a fly swatter?

Why would she even think someone's asking for that?

I don't know. How many times did you ask her for the fly swatter?

I had cotton mouth. I needed a lot of fly swatter.

All right, Brian.

This is one of my favorite tweets ever.

On September 19th, you tweeted, re -watching The Myth, would I be the first

to jerk it to Marcia Gay Harden getting shot in the forehead?

Brian Posain, defend your tweet.

All right.

Let me set the scene.

So I'm re -watching The Myth.

And I'm masturbating.

And Marsha K. Harden comes on.

What happens then? I wrote the tweet.

But she does get shot in the head. I was like, I gotta stop.

You gotta pause. Yeah, yeah. You gotta pause and tweet this. I'll be back to

you, buddy.

This is totally tweetable.

Well, your penis sounds patient.

Well, thank you guys so much for being here tonight.

Catch Brian's hour special, The Fartist.

Available now on Netflix and subscribe to the Doug Loves Movies podcast on

iTunes. We'll be right back with more stuff.

Thanks again to Doug Benson and Brian Posehn. Also get tickets for my new

tour at anthonyjeselnik .com. Follow me on Twitter at anthonyjeselnik. And at

the show blog at cc .com slash jeselnik. We'll see you next week. Before I go,

let's take a look back at the best moments from tonight's show.

Come on. Come on, little buddy. You can do this.

Come on, Osama. You got this.

Come on, Osama. Just a few more steps.

And you did it! You did it!

Come here. I'm so proud of everything you've done.

Everything.