Original subtitles

Jesselnik Offensive. I'm Anthony Jesselnik. How are you kids doing

Fantastic.

We've got another perfect show for you tonight. My friends Patton Oswalt and

Nick Kroller here.

They're both famous for their voice work, and once you see them out here

on, you will understand exactly why.

Now, this is crazy. A woman in Australia attacked her boyfriend, assaulted his

mother, and then smashed his television after she caught him masturbating in the

shower.

Which could sound like an overreaction, but it was a baby shower.

We've all done that.

Taste the rainbow for the first time ever. Gay soldiers and their partners

be buried together in Arlington National Center.

But before you get too excited, you should know it's while they're still

Last week, country singer Mindy McCready shot her dog and then herself in what

police are calling a horrible tragedy followed by a suicide.

Now here's a fun fact for you guys. According to a new study, the leading

of death for children in America is accidents.

Coming in a close second, accidents.

Clean up in aisle four, police are on the lookout for a Native American man

who's been throwing semen onto female shoppers in a New Mexico Walmart.

On the bright side, the women can now legally claim to be one -sixteenth

Cherokee.

They can get into any college they want.

Here's some more math.

Investigators say that Newtown shooter Adam Lanza

I have been trying to outdo the death toll of Norwegian mass killer Anders

Breivik. But ultimately, Breivik beat Lance at 77 to 26.

77 to 26, yeah.

Talk about a massacre.

Let's get into this one. Ex -porn star Scarlett Rouge has been accused of

murdering her boyfriend.

Detectives don't have much to go on, but they believe the name of the suspect's

first pet was Scarlet, and she grew up on Rouge Row.

Everybody bow down to the row. In Georgia, a death row inmate with an IQ

was granted a last -minute stay of execution after the governor decided it

be irresponsible to execute the smartest person in Georgia.

And finally, a beer named Albino Rhino has been discontinued after an albino

woman filed a human rights complaint.

White people problems.

That was a great monologue. Let's see what the critics are saying.

Kids, I want to talk about Black History Month.

But you're asking me, Anthony, what could you possibly tell us about black

people? Nothing.

So I'm going to let you kids tell me with our very first Jeselnik Offensive

Black Named Spelling Bee.

Let's see what our contestants will be playing for tonight.

Before the show, we picked some people from the audience as our contestants.

Let's have our first contestant come on up here.

What's your name?

Cassie. Cassie? And what do you do, Cassie? I'm a screenwriter at CSUN.

screenwriting student? Mm -hmm. Oh, my God. What kind of waitress do you want

be?

Maybe Denny's. Maybe Denny's? You know, I aim low to be high. Yeah, well, you

know, you're trying to be a screenwriter, so you know all about

I do.

Ready, Cassie? Yes. I'll give you the name of an actual black person. Okay.

And you spell it first. It should be easy, unless you're racist.

Okay?

Cassie, your name is Quvenzane.

As in, Quvenzane is the young star of the critically acclaimed film Beasts of

the Southern Wild. Have you seen it? No. Me neither.

All right, go ahead.

Quvenzane.

Quvenzane. Q -U -V...

Cassie, I was looking for Q -U -V -E -N -Z -H -A -N -E with the acute accent at

the end.

Sorry, Cassie, you're a racist pile of garbage.

Thank you for playing.

Now, what's your name? Morgan.

Morgan, you're a great sport for being up here, Morgan. What do you do? I'm a

host at a restaurant.

You're a host at a restaurant? Yep. What restaurant?

Saddle Ranch on Sunset. Saddle Ranch? Oh, my God. Have you ever... Shut up.

Have you ever had to throw yourself out of Saddle Ranch?

No, not yet. Not yet? Yeah, I'm looking forward to it, though.

All right, Morgan.

I think you're going to do well with this. Your name is Dante, as in...

With a 25th selection in the NFL draft, the New England Patriots select Dante

Hightower. All right, Tackleberry.

How do you spell... How do you spell Dante?

D -O -N... P -A.

Oh, my God!

That's what happened.

That's what happened.

It's not a black thing. It's a football thing.

There you go, Dante.

Try to stand backstage and bring it back out at the end for some extra credit.

Thank you, Dante.

Give it up for Dante, everyone.

Let's bring our last contestant up here.

Hey, man. How you doing? Hey.

What's your name?

Micah. Micah. And what do you do for a living? I'm studying to become a rabbi.

Studying to become a rabbi. Wow.

Do you know how to spell all kinds of wacky? Oh, yeah. Crazy.

Okay, Micah, you're going to spell the name Yesenia.

As in, authorities have identified the suspect as Yesenia Washington.

Yesenia. Y -E -S -E -N -A -H.

Yesenia. No, but I like the confidence. We were looking for Y -A -S -S -E -N -N

-E -H.

Remember, Yesenia is Hennessy backwards and misspelled.

for playing, Micah. That was great.

You know what? Let's bring Morgan back out here.

Morgan is our winner. Happy, happy February.

I hope all our contestants learned a little something about spelling and

themselves. We'll be right back with Patton Oswalt and Nick Troll.

Welcome back to the Desolate Offensive. Kids, last week, Comedy Central gave us

just two notes.

Play to a younger audience and try to incorporate more videos.

No problem.

So here's a video we call 9 -11 Babies.

And here comes the airplane.

Here comes the airplane.

Here comes the airplane.

I'll feed you in about 20 minutes.

Who says I can't take direction?

And now, when life gives you panel, make panel aid.

It's time for panel.

Please welcome my two friends.

He starred opposite Charlize Theron in Young Adult and currently guest stars on

Justified, the great Patton Oswalt.

And you know him from The League on FX to now his very own show on Comedy

Central, Kroll Show.

Nick Kroll.

Now, Patton, do I have this right? You were named after the guy who did the

voice of Ratatouille?

I get that.

I get that all the time.

Patton Oswalt is my stage name, so it's not my actual real name. Okay.

What's your real name?

Nicholas Kroll.

Nick, not a lot of people know this, but you're like a straight -edge guy,

right? No booze, no drugs? Basically. I mean, I smoke a little bit of pot

constantly.

I'd still call that straight -edge. That's good.

Okay.

Let's get right into it with the best worst thing of the week. Of all the

news stories, this one's my favorite.

On your mark, get set, kill your girlfriend.

South African renter and double amputee Oscar Pistorius has been charged with

premeditated murder after allegedly shooting and cricket batting his

to death.

Is that the South African national anthem?

It could be. I think that's the interstitial stuff on Law & Order SVU,

Each one, so much semen.

This really is one of my favorite stories of the year so far.

I mean, look at how hot this girl used to be.

Yep. Well, I think that he was trying to say that, you know, he could murder his

girlfriend just like any able -bodied athlete.

Yeah, true.

Yeah, true. Well, and also the fact that...

The cricket bat, which, I don't know, have you read the police report about

Of course.

This was really creepy. The investigators are describing the use of

bat to kill this girlfriend as the most interesting thing ever done with a

cricket bat.

That's very true.

Just in his defense, like, you know, he heard a gunshot. He's a sprinter.

He just thought a race was beginning.

Just happens that this race was, you know, about who could kill their

faster.

I think it's interesting that he like shot her through a bathroom door, you

know, which sounds like crazy. But in his defense, women do take forever in

bathroom.

Who hasn't thought about that? Now, I'm surprised that he was the one who ended

this relationship.

You know what I mean? Because she clearly seemed like she wore the pants.

What do you guys think they were arguing about at the time?

Well, you know, look, I'm not going to judge a guy until I've walked a mile in

his shoes.

But, you know, I, you know, maybe like, oh, you know, your legs tear up our

sheets when we do it doggy style. I mean, just the normal stuff that, you

I just think like, you know, relationships have ups and downs. And I

his defense, like he just never liked the way she would pretend to be a robber

and hide in the bathroom screaming, don't shoot me.

I bet they were arguing about, I don't know, maybe his explosive temper.

That's a good thing to pick a fight over.

I just feel like, I don't know if we should keep talking about this. To my

I'm just not sure if this story has legs.

But don't forget also that anyone who goes to prison in South Africa

gets to be president.

That is true. Up next is the worst worst thing of the week. It's a terrible

story just like the last one, only worse.

Mind if I cut in?

During a threesome between two men and a woman, one guy stabbed the other guy

over refusing to switch positions.

Because that's what happens whenever you bring a knife to a sword fight.

It's weird.

It's just odd that you bring this story up because my safe word is I will stab

you if you don't switch vaginas. That's just so odd.

So it kind of hits close to home for me. I know that is a fact.

What I'm taking away from this story is that this little princess is single.

She sounds great.

And she's very adventurous. Yeah.

Yeah. Sometimes when hot singles are in your area, you got to jump on it. Yeah.

Now, you guys did something kind of interesting. I want you guys to do like

improv game.

You know, it's just like improv, only fun to watch.

Let's say you guys are in a three -way with a girl.

Patton, you need Nick to switch places with you. Oh, okay. Convince him like a

gentleman without violence.

Okay. You have your moment before? Hang on. I got it. Okay. Here we go.

Yeah.

You're digging some tunnels here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Doing good.

Make eye contact with me. But I'm also like, you know, she's looking very

I think it's time to maybe, she's kind of giving me the high sign. Oh, I don't

know. I think I'm going to stick at it. I'm going to stick where I am.

This is the hole I want.

You pull out, and I thrust in the ceiling.

I don't know.

I'm thinking, yeah.

Ooh, you're getting angry at me, aren't you?

Oh, I'm going full chop now.

Oh, man.

Oh, are we talking about it right now? Are you getting angry with me? Is it

exciting? Oh,

you're about to make my dick cry.

Remember, it's not the journey. It's the panel. We'll be right back with more

panel.

Are you guys excited for Four Loko?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Wait a minute.

A Four Loko... If I remember this correctly... Take your time. A 23...

A 23 -ounce can of Four Loko is the equivalent of five beers. But let your

sommelier tell you that.

I just think it's a slippery slope.

It's like, you know, you're making, putting regulations on Four Loko. Next

thing, they're not going to be giving away handguns. And I'm glad, though,

the Four Loko people are, you know, putting clear markings on their cans

Four Loko drinkers really are concerned about what they put in their bodies. So

it's good, you know.

And also, nothing is going to warn them better than a lot of stuff to read.

That's really going to help. Big readers. What do you think should be on

label? I think they should be their new cartoon mascot, which will be a little

deformed fetus going, See you in four months!

I think something like, don't drink and drive your Dodge

Neon.

I think, what about, like, incarceration for date rape may be closer than it

appears.

Nice. How about a may cause full Busey?

Full Busey? Yeah.

May cause full Busey. These are all good ideas. I think it's interesting that

the Four Loko can... The Four Loko can kind of like that, like, bright

camouflage look. You know what I mean? Like, so when you're hunting, it's safe.

Yeah.

Well, because... They know that four -local drinkers tend to wander off into

woods. It's hunting season. And they're generally hunting for a GED.

Oh, by the way.

That is great.

And also, do you notice in their product photo, one of the four locals is passed

out? Like, it's basically on its side.

Okay, it's time to close the garage and turn on the car.

It's defending your tweet.

You tweeted it. Now I'm going to read it and ask you to defend it in front of

all these people.

Nick, on February 18th, you tweeted, I want to open a store called Headphones,

Printer Cartridges, and Adobe File Updater just so I can burn it to the

Nick, defend your tweet.

Well, first, I'm a huge fan of arson.

That makes sense.

No, but I mean, come on. Printer cartridges?

I mean, what's the deal?

Well played, Mr. Kroll. Well played.

Was that a defense or a deflection? I don't really... It was the best defense

Nick Kroll could possibly have. It was a deflection. The joke was in the

bathroom. I think a lot of things you do are in the bathroom.

Was that a toilet tweet?

No, that was a Pistorius tweet.

Oh, okay. I'm going to have to cut you off at the legs there, Nick.

Patton, let's move on to you. On January 13th, you tweeted, couldn't get her to

admit it on her deathbed, but I'm 100 % certain my grandmother yelled, Hanukkah

Schlemmer, whenever she orgasmed.

Patton, defend your tweet.

That, look, yeah, it seems very frivolous and funny, and ooh, I'm being

but I was, I was, I had taken some Ambien.

Okay, well, thank you for committing to the bit.

I think it's just, it's great. Listen, just be happy your grandmother's dead.

It's funny because whenever your grandmother orgasmed with me, she always

screamed Brookstone.

Guys, thank you so much for being here tonight.

Catch Patton live May 11th at Largo in Los Angeles and see Nick on Crawl Show

Wednesdays at 10 .30 right here on Comedy Central.

We'll be right back with more show.

and on the show blog at cc .com slash Jessalyn.

We'll see you next week. Before I go, let's take a look back at the best

from tonight's show.

Hey, Jenny.

Yeah, Anthony?

What do they say about a bullied gay teen on Suicide Watch?

I don't know, Anthony. What do they say about a bullied gay teen on Suicide

Watch? No noose is good noose.

Hey, Rick.

Yeah, Anthony? Why didn't Christina get an abortion?

Why not?

So she could make a big splash at prom.

You mean in the bathroom?

Damn straight.

Like in the toilet? You know it.

And that's a look at some of this spring's hottest dildos.

We'll be right back.

It's done like a full dildo rotation.

Is this the XXX version of Inception?

No, it's... I think it's doing the Dougie. Oh, okay.