All language subtitles for The Jeselnik Offensive s01e02 Nick Kroll and Patton Oswalt

Jesselnik Offensive. I'm Anthony
Jesselnik. How are you kids doing

Fantastic.

We've got another perfect show for you
tonight. My friends Patton Oswalt and

Nick Kroller here.

They're both famous for their voice
work, and once you see them out here

on, you will understand exactly why.

Now, this is crazy. A woman in Australia
attacked her boyfriend, assaulted his

mother, and then smashed his television
after she caught him masturbating in the

shower.

Which could sound like an overreaction,
but it was a baby shower.

We've all done that.

Taste the rainbow for the first time
ever. Gay soldiers and their partners

be buried together in Arlington National
Center.

But before you get too excited, you
should know it's while they're still

Last week, country singer Mindy McCready
shot her dog and then herself in what

police are calling a horrible tragedy
followed by a suicide.

Now here's a fun fact for you guys.
According to a new study, the leading

of death for children in America is
accidents.

Coming in a close second, accidents.

Clean up in aisle four, police are on
the lookout for a Native American man

who's been throwing semen onto female
shoppers in a New Mexico Walmart.

On the bright side, the women can now
legally claim to be one -sixteenth

Cherokee.

They can get into any college they want.

Here's some more math.

Investigators say that Newtown shooter
Adam Lanza

I have been trying to outdo the death
toll of Norwegian mass killer Anders

Breivik. But ultimately, Breivik beat
Lance at 77 to 26.

77 to 26, yeah.

Talk about a massacre.

Let's get into this one. Ex -porn star
Scarlett Rouge has been accused of

murdering her boyfriend.

Detectives don't have much to go on, but
they believe the name of the suspect's

first pet was Scarlet, and she grew up
on Rouge Row.

Everybody bow down to the row. In
Georgia, a death row inmate with an IQ

was granted a last -minute stay of
execution after the governor decided it

be irresponsible to execute the smartest
person in Georgia.

And finally, a beer named Albino Rhino
has been discontinued after an albino

woman filed a human rights complaint.

White people problems.

That was a great monologue. Let's see
what the critics are saying.

Kids, I want to talk about Black History
Month.

But you're asking me, Anthony, what
could you possibly tell us about black

people? Nothing.

So I'm going to let you kids tell me
with our very first Jeselnik Offensive

Black Named Spelling Bee.

Let's see what our contestants will be
playing for tonight.

Before the show, we picked some people
from the audience as our contestants.

Let's have our first contestant come on
up here.

What's your name?

Cassie. Cassie? And what do you do,
Cassie? I'm a screenwriter at CSUN.

screenwriting student? Mm -hmm. Oh, my
God. What kind of waitress do you want

be?

Maybe Denny's. Maybe Denny's? You know,
I aim low to be high. Yeah, well, you

know, you're trying to be a
screenwriter, so you know all about

I do.

Ready, Cassie? Yes. I'll give you the
name of an actual black person. Okay.

And you spell it first. It should be
easy, unless you're racist.

Okay?

Cassie, your name is Quvenzane.

As in, Quvenzane is the young star of
the critically acclaimed film Beasts of

the Southern Wild. Have you seen it? No.
Me neither.

All right, go ahead.

Quvenzane.

Quvenzane. Q -U -V...

Cassie, I was looking for Q -U -V -E -N
-Z -H -A -N -E with the acute accent at

the end.

Sorry, Cassie, you're a racist pile of
garbage.

Thank you for playing.

Now, what's your name? Morgan.

Morgan, you're a great sport for being
up here, Morgan. What do you do? I'm a

host at a restaurant.

You're a host at a restaurant? Yep. What
restaurant?

Saddle Ranch on Sunset. Saddle Ranch?
Oh, my God. Have you ever... Shut up.

Have you ever had to throw yourself out
of Saddle Ranch?

No, not yet. Not yet? Yeah, I'm looking
forward to it, though.

All right, Morgan.

I think you're going to do well with
this. Your name is Dante, as in...

With a 25th selection in the NFL draft,
the New England Patriots select Dante

Hightower. All right, Tackleberry.

How do you spell... How do you spell
Dante?

D -O -N... P -A.

Oh, my God!

That's what happened.

That's what happened.

It's not a black thing. It's a football
thing.

There you go, Dante.

Try to stand backstage and bring it back
out at the end for some extra credit.

Thank you, Dante.

Give it up for Dante, everyone.

Let's bring our last contestant up here.

Hey, man. How you doing? Hey.

What's your name?

Micah. Micah. And what do you do for a
living? I'm studying to become a rabbi.

Studying to become a rabbi. Wow.

Do you know how to spell all kinds of
wacky? Oh, yeah. Crazy.

Okay, Micah, you're going to spell the
name Yesenia.

As in, authorities have identified the
suspect as Yesenia Washington.

Yesenia. Y -E -S -E -N -A -H.

Yesenia. No, but I like the confidence.
We were looking for Y -A -S -S -E -N -N

-E -H.

Remember, Yesenia is Hennessy backwards
and misspelled.

for playing, Micah. That was great.

You know what? Let's bring Morgan back
out here.

Morgan is our winner. Happy, happy
February.

I hope all our contestants learned a
little something about spelling and

themselves. We'll be right back with
Patton Oswalt and Nick Troll.

Welcome back to the Desolate Offensive.
Kids, last week, Comedy Central gave us

just two notes.

Play to a younger audience and try to
incorporate more videos.

No problem.

So here's a video we call 9 -11 Babies.

And here comes the airplane.

Here comes the airplane.

Here comes the airplane.

I'll feed you in about 20 minutes.

Who says I can't take direction?

And now, when life gives you panel, make
panel aid.

It's time for panel.

Please welcome my two friends.

He starred opposite Charlize Theron in
Young Adult and currently guest stars on

Justified, the great Patton Oswalt.

And you know him from The League on FX
to now his very own show on Comedy

Central, Kroll Show.

Nick Kroll.

Now, Patton, do I have this right? You
were named after the guy who did the

voice of Ratatouille?

I get that.

I get that all the time.

Patton Oswalt is my stage name, so it's
not my actual real name. Okay.

What's your real name?

Nicholas Kroll.

Nick, not a lot of people know this, but
you're like a straight -edge guy,

right? No booze, no drugs? Basically. I
mean, I smoke a little bit of pot

constantly.

I'd still call that straight -edge.
That's good.

Okay.

Let's get right into it with the best
worst thing of the week. Of all the

news stories, this one's my favorite.

On your mark, get set, kill your
girlfriend.

South African renter and double amputee
Oscar Pistorius has been charged with

premeditated murder after allegedly
shooting and cricket batting his

to death.

Is that the South African national
anthem?

It could be. I think that's the
interstitial stuff on Law & Order SVU,

Each one, so much semen.

This really is one of my favorite
stories of the year so far.

I mean, look at how hot this girl used
to be.

Yep. Well, I think that he was trying to
say that, you know, he could murder his

girlfriend just like any able -bodied
athlete.

Yeah, true.

Yeah, true. Well, and also the fact
that...

The cricket bat, which, I don't know,
have you read the police report about

Of course.

This was really creepy. The
investigators are describing the use of

bat to kill this girlfriend as the most
interesting thing ever done with a

cricket bat.

That's very true.

Just in his defense, like, you know, he
heard a gunshot. He's a sprinter.

He just thought a race was beginning.

Just happens that this race was, you
know, about who could kill their

faster.

I think it's interesting that he like
shot her through a bathroom door, you

know, which sounds like crazy. But in
his defense, women do take forever in

bathroom.

Who hasn't thought about that? Now, I'm
surprised that he was the one who ended

this relationship.

You know what I mean? Because she
clearly seemed like she wore the pants.

What do you guys think they were arguing
about at the time?

Well, you know, look, I'm not going to
judge a guy until I've walked a mile in

his shoes.

But, you know, I, you know, maybe like,
oh, you know, your legs tear up our

sheets when we do it doggy style. I
mean, just the normal stuff that, you

I just think like, you know,
relationships have ups and downs. And I

his defense, like he just never liked
the way she would pretend to be a robber

and hide in the bathroom screaming,
don't shoot me.

I bet they were arguing about, I don't
know, maybe his explosive temper.

That's a good thing to pick a fight
over.

I just feel like, I don't know if we
should keep talking about this. To my

I'm just not sure if this story has
legs.

But don't forget also that anyone who
goes to prison in South Africa

gets to be president.

That is true. Up next is the worst worst
thing of the week. It's a terrible

story just like the last one, only
worse.

Mind if I cut in?

During a threesome between two men and a
woman, one guy stabbed the other guy

over refusing to switch positions.

Because that's what happens whenever you
bring a knife to a sword fight.

It's weird.

It's just odd that you bring this story
up because my safe word is I will stab

you if you don't switch vaginas. That's
just so odd.

So it kind of hits close to home for me.
I know that is a fact.

What I'm taking away from this story is
that this little princess is single.

She sounds great.

And she's very adventurous. Yeah.

Yeah. Sometimes when hot singles are in
your area, you got to jump on it. Yeah.

Now, you guys did something kind of
interesting. I want you guys to do like

improv game.

You know, it's just like improv, only
fun to watch.

Let's say you guys are in a three -way
with a girl.

Patton, you need Nick to switch places
with you. Oh, okay. Convince him like a

gentleman without violence.

Okay. You have your moment before? Hang
on. I got it. Okay. Here we go.

Yeah.

You're digging some tunnels here. Yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Doing good.

Make eye contact with me. But I'm also
like, you know, she's looking very

I think it's time to maybe, she's kind
of giving me the high sign. Oh, I don't

know. I think I'm going to stick at it.
I'm going to stick where I am.

This is the hole I want.

You pull out, and I thrust in the
ceiling.

I don't know.

I'm thinking, yeah.

Ooh, you're getting angry at me, aren't
you?

Oh, I'm going full chop now.

Oh, man.

Oh, are we talking about it right now?
Are you getting angry with me? Is it

exciting? Oh,

you're about to make my dick cry.

Remember, it's not the journey. It's the
panel. We'll be right back with more

panel.

Are you guys excited for Four Loko?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Wait a minute.

A Four Loko... If I remember this
correctly... Take your time. A 23...

A 23 -ounce can of Four Loko is the
equivalent of five beers. But let your

sommelier tell you that.

I just think it's a slippery slope.

It's like, you know, you're making,
putting regulations on Four Loko. Next

thing, they're not going to be giving
away handguns. And I'm glad, though,

the Four Loko people are, you know,
putting clear markings on their cans

Four Loko drinkers really are concerned
about what they put in their bodies. So

it's good, you know.

And also, nothing is going to warn them
better than a lot of stuff to read.

That's really going to help. Big
readers. What do you think should be on

label? I think they should be their new
cartoon mascot, which will be a little

deformed fetus going, See you in four
months!

I think something like, don't drink and
drive your Dodge

Neon.

I think, what about, like, incarceration
for date rape may be closer than it

appears.

Nice. How about a may cause full Busey?

Full Busey? Yeah.

May cause full Busey. These are all good
ideas. I think it's interesting that

the Four Loko can... The Four Loko can
kind of like that, like, bright

camouflage look. You know what I mean?
Like, so when you're hunting, it's safe.

Yeah.

Well, because... They know that four
-local drinkers tend to wander off into

woods. It's hunting season. And they're
generally hunting for a GED.

Oh, by the way.

That is great.

And also, do you notice in their product
photo, one of the four locals is passed

out? Like, it's basically on its side.

Okay, it's time to close the garage and
turn on the car.

It's defending your tweet.

You tweeted it. Now I'm going to read it
and ask you to defend it in front of

all these people.

Nick, on February 18th, you tweeted, I
want to open a store called Headphones,

Printer Cartridges, and Adobe File
Updater just so I can burn it to the

Nick, defend your tweet.

Well, first, I'm a huge fan of arson.

That makes sense.

No, but I mean, come on. Printer
cartridges?

I mean, what's the deal?

Well played, Mr. Kroll. Well played.

Was that a defense or a deflection? I
don't really... It was the best defense

Nick Kroll could possibly have. It was a
deflection. The joke was in the

bathroom. I think a lot of things you do
are in the bathroom.

Was that a toilet tweet?

No, that was a Pistorius tweet.

Oh, okay. I'm going to have to cut you
off at the legs there, Nick.

Patton, let's move on to you. On January
13th, you tweeted, couldn't get her to

admit it on her deathbed, but I'm 100 %
certain my grandmother yelled, Hanukkah

Schlemmer, whenever she orgasmed.

Patton, defend your tweet.

That, look, yeah, it seems very
frivolous and funny, and ooh, I'm being

but I was, I was, I had taken some
Ambien.

Okay, well, thank you for committing to
the bit.

I think it's just, it's great. Listen,
just be happy your grandmother's dead.

It's funny because whenever your
grandmother orgasmed with me, she always

screamed Brookstone.

Guys, thank you so much for being here
tonight.

Catch Patton live May 11th at Largo in
Los Angeles and see Nick on Crawl Show

Wednesdays at 10 .30 right here on
Comedy Central.

We'll be right back with more show.

and on the show blog at cc .com slash
Jessalyn.

We'll see you next week. Before I go,
let's take a look back at the best

from tonight's show.

Hey, Jenny.

Yeah, Anthony?

What do they say about a bullied gay
teen on Suicide Watch?

I don't know, Anthony. What do they say
about a bullied gay teen on Suicide

Watch? No noose is good noose.

Hey, Rick.

Yeah, Anthony? Why didn't Christina get
an abortion?

Why not?

So she could make a big splash at prom.

You mean in the bathroom?

Damn straight.

Like in the toilet? You know it.

And that's a look at some of this
spring's hottest dildos.

We'll be right back.

It's done like a full dildo rotation.

Is this the XXX version of Inception?

No, it's... I think it's doing the
Dougie. Oh, okay.