Original subtitles

It's warning, Lee. Someone doesn't want us to find him.

Do you feel like you're just the worst person in the world?

Emotionally crippled.

And I don't want to cruise for winkle with you anymore.

It's nearly my birthday. Me and you are gonna do a mum-daughter manicure.

You never said who Glenn's real father was.

We're not gonna tell Glenn.

Family is all that matters, innit?

I'm going to open the good wine, babe, fuck it.

And you know what? In fact, I'm going to whack on a bit of Sade.

She is just in that kind of mood, baby.

Get out.

Have you trumped? Just waft it with a pillow, it'll be fine.

Get out.OK. Just get this down your neck, you swine.

What?

Glenn, you're scaring me.

What? Glenn?

Glenn!

How could...?

How...? (DOOR CLOSES)

I'm back.

Apparently, I'm emotionally crippled, Glenn.

Are you having that?

Am I? Crippled?

Emotionally?

Get out.

What? Has he trumped? Just open the window.

Ge... Ge...

Get... Get out!

Get out! Ahhh!

What the fuck is happening?

Ugh! Ugh!

He was fine and now... I don't know.

# SADE: Your Love Is King

# The ruler of my heart, your kisses ring... #

Oh, shit! What?

It's a tick bite.

What?A fucking tick bite. He had one when we was kids.

His fucking throat.

It's a fucking tick bite! What? In here?

Where's your Piriton?

Ah, Monsieur Campbell. Fuck off, Roger.

In the drawer! Where?

In the drawer! Well, I can't fucking find it!

(GASPS)

What the fuck is going on?

Ohh...

Oh...

Oh... Hello?

The door was open. Lee, look, I've come to apologise.

Oh, crikey!

He can't see that.

Disconnect it. Disconnect it. Glen?

Listen. Get the fuck out.

Both of you. No.

Both of you, pack your bags.

I want you out of my fucking house.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

You ready?

Er... Not even slapped on a bit of liner?

It's my birthday meal, Kirst.

Oh, erm... Lucky for you, I carry spare Rimmel.

We can do it in the car. Mum, I'm not sure that we're erm...

Something's... I'm sorry, you're what now?

It's just because we've had erm...

Susanna! Ha ha ha! Right!

Shall we? Yeah, fine.

Shoes on, Kirst. There we go.

Lee can follow behind. He knows the way. Come on, birthday girl.

Your carriage awaits. Ha ha! After you. Ha ha ha.Alright.

Off we pop. (CAR DOOR CLOSES)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Hello?

Hello?

Wh...?

You know what, chaps?

You can say what you like about a carvery,

but you get gammon and pineapple

with a side of curly fries. You're not wrong, Susanna.

Ha ha ha!

How's yours? Hm?

Your food, Kirsty. You've been staring at it since you arrived.

It's chilli con carne, not a fucking Picasso.

Erm... Er, it's just a bit bland.

Well, the salt's right there.

Look at that. Pair of them falling over themselves to get to you.

What's that like, Kirst? Two fellas at your whim.

I need a drink.Cola, is it? We'll get you another. Anyone else?

How comes he's on softs? It's my birthday.

He's off the drink, aren't you? Yeah.

It's meant to be a flipping knees-up.We can still have fun.

Come on. We're celebrating, everyone. The big 5-5.

Let's have a toast. To Sue. To me.

Come on. Sue.

# CLIFF RICHARD: Congratulations

# Congratulations...

It's a bit early, innit it? I'm only halfway through my main.

Oh. It's breathing tube, is it?

I say, don't come out if you're that ill. It's depressing.

# I want the world to know I'm happy as can be... #

What?

Oh!

Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo! Hello! (KNOCKS ON WINDOW)

Whoa! (RAPE ALARM BLARES)

Oh! (RAPE ALARM STOPS)

(KNOCKS ON WINDOW) Sir! Sir, I'm locked in.

I'm locked in.

I am locked in!

(RATTLES DOORKNOB) (SPEECH INAUDIBLE)

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYS) I am locked...

What?

Oh, no, no, no, the front is locked as well.

What?

No, no, no. Yes, wait, wait, wait.

Wait. Oh, no. Yes!

No, I am very happy with my pied de terre.

All mod cons and a demi-terrace.

Neighbours are cunts, but they're jealous

cos I got the top-floor flat.

On a clear day you can see all the way to Chigwell Lido.

Well, we're happy, if you're happy.

I am happy. Not that Her Ladyship would know.

Hasn't bothered to visit. Sorry. It's been busy.

Work.You might be better holding off at the moment.

Lift's are out of order. It's seven flights. I don't know if you'd cope.

Sue. What?

I'm a mother. I'm only taking the piss, aren't I? Jesus Christ.

A bit of gentle ribbing, darling.

Help you lose a few pounds. I said, enough.Oi!

It's not yours.

What? It's my drink, not yours.

Ohh!

Little bit of sibling tension there.

Bring it on. Dinner and a show. Shut up, Mum.

Tell you what, Sue.

It's a shame Kirsty hasn't been to visit you yet.

Why doesn't she come stay with you for a bit?What?

Good idea, eh? A couple of days, maybe.Or longer.

Tell you what, why don't you pack a suitcase

and keep your mum company while she settles in?

Lovely! A bit of girl time, you know?

Yeah, let's toast to that. Glen.

What, Kirsty?

Oh, here we go.

# Congratulations

# And celebrations

# When I tell everyone that you're in.... #

Oh, it's for that one, is it?

Ten-ton Tina in the Ugg boots?

Not sure a fudge brownie is what the doctor ordered, but who am I to judge?

Right. Looks like you need a refresh, Susanna.

Can't have a toast without a top-up.

Me and Lee will get a round in.

Well, we'll just get the waiter- Nah, come on.Yeah.

Oh.

It's getting hot in here, innit?

Probably shouldn't have worn my full get-up, but does look good.

It's, um... Yeah. What?

Don't you like it?

Why are you wearing a tiny hat?

It's not a tiny hat, Kirst. It's a fascinator.

I'm fascinating.

Wait. Yeah?

Is that your- ? Oh, yeah.

My mother-of-the-bride outfit. Yeah, I thought I'd show it off.

Why ever not, eh?

How long...? How fucking long, you and Kirstie- ?

Don't piss me about. It was one kiss, I swear, one kiss.

Who, erm...?

Who started it? Wh-Who leaned in?

Well, actually, she- (LAUGHS)

I'm even asking. Erm... (CHUCKLES)

I know it was you. Of course, it was you

You're a fucking virus, mate.

Did everything you could. You softened her up,

and then you went in for the kiss, am I right?

Yeah. Yeah.

I knew it.

Fuck you!

# HOT BUTTER: Popcorn

It's an outfit, innit? It's only right.But...

But what? Don't you want to save it?

Oh, come off it, Kirst.

Ain't gonna get any use, otherwise.

Mum.Let's not piss around the mulberry bush, eh?

Cos you two ain't getting married.

And judging by tonight,

I'll be surprised if you last a year.

Ugh!

Ugh! Agh!

Why did you do it, eh?

Just the thrill of it, taking my bird, is that?

This is always fucking...

Everyone loves Lee, even though he half arses it,

even though he fucks people up, but try as I might, I'm fucking...

Fucking...

Remember Mum fretting about you, Lee?

Big clumps of hair falling out from the chemo.

The cancer was...

But you're why she died, mate.

You.

(CHILDREN'S VIDEO GAME TRILLS)

Hello, kids.

# CLIFF RICHARD: Congratulations

Am I wrong?

No.

Believe you me. Because I speak from experience

that when that rot sets in, sweetheart...

..there ain't nothing getting that shit out.

I tripped on a bar stool. At last. I'm parched over here.

Oh, here we go. It wouldn't be a birthday

without her putting on the waterworks.What have you said?

Me? Why would you assume it's me?

Christ's sake, Sue! Back the fuck off, mate.You what?

What have you said?I really thought we were in for a nice evening.

I thought I might get a little bit of appreciation,

a little bit of respect.

But no. I'm the wicked witch.

Never mind that I bunged you two my life savings,

which you promptly spunked

on that one's losses. I told you to rein it in.

I will not rein it in, you fucking waste of space!

Mum! While we're here, let's have it.

How old are you, anyway, eh?

Lounging around your brother's gaff like fucking Caligula?

Yeah? Getting 'em to run around after you?

Christ, no wonder their relationship's at death's door.

Kirsty Marie Wallace, you will sit the fuck down.

It's my birthday, and you don't get to ruin it.

Shall we pop outside?

Let's face it, it's not Kirsty's fault, is it, the state you're in?

How do you mean? You tell me, Glenn.

How long's a girl meant to wait? Because you can't play snooker with a length of rope.

And that's an actual fact.

# CLIFF RICHARD: Congratulations

Oh, erm, shall we just come back?

Oi!

Which of you two... upset them, kiddies?

I work off word of mouth,

and I've got four sets of parents back there, fuming.

Who was it?

Shall I just...leave it here? Yeah.

I ain't leaving. One of youse is reimbursing me.

Oi! Wee Willie Wanky.

Are you listening to me?

(OPERA MUSIC) Agh!

(OPERA MUSIC) It's no use.

Unless...

I am too...husky.

Well, if I pull and you push.

Yeah. Hang on. I'm coming up.

(SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC)

And he called me a nonce.

What kind of man says that to a kiddies' clown.

I'm a joy bringer.

I bring 'em joy.

Our manager's asking for you to pay and leave, like, immediately.

Kirst... Kirsty.

Kirsty? Where's Kirsty?

Fuck!

No, she's not in there.

The bill.

They'll pay.

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYS) Well...we tried.

Anyway, I'm sure you've got better evening plans

than helping a silly man through a small window.

Ah, well, not really, no.

I was just gonna watch a rerun of Time Team.

Salisbury Cathedral.

The bishop's grave dig? Oh, shit.

I'm sorry.

Spoiler alert.

You're a historian?

Well, yes.

No, I...

I dabble.

As do I.

Dabble.

I don't suppose you, er, fancy a drink?

# EARL VAN DYKE AND THE MOTOWN BRASS: 6 By 6

Fuck!

You need to drive.

What? Kirsty was going to do it.

I've had a couple of beers. You haven't had a drink, have you?

Don't be so stupid.

Hey! The bill?

Someone's gotta pay. BOTH: She'll pay.

(SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC)

Well, that's the last of it.

Well...

Yes.

Er...

I should, er...

No. Absolutely. Yeah, erm...

Thanks for...

Not at all. Yeah.

Bye now. Yeah.

Before you, erm...

What is that rather lovely music?

Oh,

Puccini. Ah.

I should turn it down.

The neighbours will be sick of me always singing along.

(CHUCKLES)

You sing?

Opera?

(LAUGHS)

Oh.

You are so gonna pay for this.

OK, but can you pay for this because everyone else has gone?

You know, when it happened, I-I-I was a state.Stop talking, Lee.

I love you, though, don't I?

(HORN BLARES) Keep your fucking eyes on the road!

You're driving like your pissed.

Yeah. Now I've found out, I want you gone.

I don't want you to come back. Do you hear?

(SINGS SHAKILY): # Vincero

# Vincero

# Vin-cero...

(CLOSING CHORDS OF "NESSUN DORMA" PLAY)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Crikey.

Ah... Seems I'm er...

here for the night. Hm.

Better bed down.

Yeah.

Unless...

Well...

..I can't get out.

But a man...slender as yourself...

..might slip in.

# CHARLIE MUSSELWHITE: Christo Redemptor

Stop! That's her.

Glen, I'm really sorry.

I just want to make- We're done, mate.

Kirsty!

Kirsty.

Why have you...?

Turn around, Kirsty.

I'm so sorry. (SOBS)

Look at me, then.

Fuck it. Look at me.

I should have told you, but I was so scared, Glenn.

And now it's just worse.

Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's worse.

I suppose you should, erm...

No, I don't...

I don't... I don't know what we do from here, but, erm...

..at least we can work it out without Lee around.

What?

I know...

..Kirsty, how it...

happened.

I've given him his marching orders. I won't be seeing him again.

What do you mean?

I mean, he told me, Kirsty.

He told me that he kissed you, that he made it happen.

But...

Oh, my God.

What? (SOBS)

That's then...

That's not... It's not...

Shit!

What is it with these fucking bricks?

# SPARKS: This Town Ain't Big Enough For The both Of Us

"Stop looking for Don."

But we found the cunt.

Glenn...

What?

It was, er...

It was...

Kirsty!

Kirsty? Kirst, Kirst. (SHE GASPS)

Oh, fuck. (REVS ENGINE)

Oh! (TYRES SCREECH)

Let's fucking have it, son.

(TYRES SCREECH)

You wanna fuck about with me? Huh?

# Flying, domestic flying

# And when the stewardess is near...

You wanna fuck with me, cunt?!

# Heartbeat, increasing heartbeat

# You are a khaki-coloured bombardier...

Ahh! Oh, fucking hell!

# This town ain't big enough for both of us... #

Ohh!

Now, then, who the fuck are you?

Pam?!

That's right, twat. Pam!

But why the fuck would you do this? What, are you...?

# Johnny Hallyday: Da Dou Ron Ron

Oh.

This is an intervention, love. Dump the cunt, pronto.

# Da dou ron ron ron, da dou ron ron

# Ne pleurez pas, laissez tomber, tant pis

# Da dou ron ron ron, da dou ron ron...

Chris, Sue!

Just be a mother for once in your fucking life!

# Oui, bien sur, j'ai eu tort

# Oui, j'aimerai encore

# Da dou ron ron ron, da dou ron ron

# Quand l'amour s'en va, il s'en va pour de bon

# Da dou ron ron ron, da dou ron ron

# Ne pleurez pas, on n'y peut rien au fond

# Da dou ron ron ron, da dou ron ron... #

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