Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language from the outset and throughout.

What's the matter with you? Maybe cos my dad didn't love me!

Some people ain't built for family. Me and dad, we're the same.

KIRSTY: That thing between us in the car...No one needs to know.

Mark my words, Ian, I'm gonna get you a bit of cock.

BUNNY: We need the cash. RON: Not from the El-Baz lot.

We're not getting involved.

When is the meeting?

GLEN: It's an address. (BOTH LAUGH)

(BIRDS TWITTERING) I don't understand.

It says we're here? Must be round the back.

Fucking hell. The old man's guys got leylandii.

Turn left up there, and we'll go in the front.No.

No, no, no, this is better. Lee? Lee? Where are you going?

He might have staff, Glen. We go and buzz the gates, they won't let us in.

We need to slip in the back doors.

What, break in? Again? No, we can't. We're not-

Calm down, snippy long stockings.

Trust me. Lee!

(FUNKY MUSIC) Lee!

Lee, we'll piss him off.

Hey! I can't just... I'm meant to be at work. I can't just...

He just needs to see us, Glen. See our actual faces,

and it'll all fall into place.

You can bet your bollocks on that. (MUTTERS) Fuck.

(GROANS)

# HOT CHOCOLATE: Heaven's In The Back Seat Of My Cadillac #

Well, fuck my old boots.

(SIGHS)

He's minted.

# Heaven's in the back seat Of my Cadillac

# Let me take you there

# Yeah, yeah... #

BUNNY: He's here, Ron. THey've just pulled up.

El-Baz is here.

RON: Mr El-Baz! Good to see ya.

We were expecting your father. (CHUCKLES)

EL-BAZ: Yeah, he's indisposed.

Oh.

We have an understanding, me and your dad.

Are you well? I'm not my dad.Sorry?

I've got my own way of doing things.

Oh, right. (CHUCKLES)

You wanna make your mark- Ronald. Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah.

Let's keep it professional. Who's this?

Ignore Yohannes.

He's not here.

Now, boys...

you have my pallets.

A trailer got hitched to our truck. It was...Did you look?

(INHALES SHARPLY) Well...

At the contents. Did you look? Well...

Of course not. Anyway...

it will be with you first thing tomorrow.Ron...

I had freight due to me six days ago.

I'm sure you can understand I feel a bit...

..encumbered.I'm sure. But we can only apologise.

And that would have been good enough for my dad.

But me...

you see, I feel like I'm, um...

(SMACKS LIPS) ..due compensation.

Hold your fucking horses.

Bunny! No. He's bang out of order.

Christ on a pipe, if anyone's en-fucking-cumbered, it's us.

We held stolen goods. Hello?

So, you did look.

Maybe I had a little peek. I... Fuck, who cares?No. No, look.

We can bung you a bit of cash. It'll be fine.

We'll cover ya.I'm not sure a cash bung is gonna fix this...

Ronald.

We need to keep our hands clean. I peeped.

I just fucking peeped. We'll cover your costs.

(CONVERSATION CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND)

# HOT CHOCOLATE: Disco Queen # (FUNKY, HIGH-ENERGY MUSIC)

(MUSIC FADES, CONTINUES) Aysha, hi, i-i-it's Glen.

Uh... How you feeling? You ready to smash those targets?!

AYSHA: (ON PHONE) 'Honestly, I'm thinking nah.'

What? Why? 'I've shut the shop.'You've what?

But... But the audit. LEE: Come on, Glenda, get a jog on.

Christ, Dad's done well. It's like fucking Bridgerton.

Aysha, no... MAN: 'Number 25, double cheeseburger, dirty fries.'

'Brother. Where's my mayonnaise?' Huh?

Look lively, Glen. Come on!

Lee! Lee! Lee, wait. (MUSIC RESUMES)

Let us cover your costs, and we'll move on!

Yeah, I think we're past that point. (MUSIC FADES OUT)

Question is... how do we proceed? (DOOR OPENS)

KIRSTY: I'll just have the usual, thanks, Pam!

(DOOR CLOSES) Do excuse my lateness, everyone.

(FUNKY MUSIC RESUMES)

Mr El-Baz, Kirsty Wallace, CFO.

CF what now?So... (MUSIC FADES OUT)

..I understand that you're overdue on freight we've been holding.

How would you like to pay?

(INHALES DEEPLY) (CHUCKLES)

Sorry, does she know who I am?

(CHUCKLES) Respectfully, if you'd like to address me,

organ grinder, monkey, et cetera.

To your question: I know who your father is.

And I know that he built his business by covering his expenses.

Yeah, I'm not my father. I know that you're also a very savvy businessman.

Which is why we have provided an exceptional service for you.

Holding your goods, rendering them untraceable by third parties.

You also peeped then? Well, I'm very thorough.

Yeah, and I insist on a full inventory.

Of course, we have held this from the authorities until now.

Are you threatening me? (LAUGHING)

Oh, Mr El-Baz, please.

Yes. I'm absolutely threatening you.

Yes. (LAUGHS)

So, cash, card, or payment plan?

(FUNKY MUSIC RESUMES)

Oh, shit! It's a party.

Cunt's having a regatta.Come on. We'll come back another time.

What you talking about? This is what we want. We'll get in easy.

He can't turn us away in front of his posh mates, can he?

Are you alright? Yes. I'm fucking pumped, ain't I? Wait, wait, Lee, Lee...

Listen, you've gotta focus. You got some questions.

What you gonna ask him? Well, like, "How could he?" How could he what?

Well, like, leave us, leave Mum, when she was...

she was so... She didn't deserve that.

Mm. Mm. And we're gonna get you some answers.Alright, wh...

well, what...

what if he rejects us... again? He won't.

Anyway, if he does reject you, he rejects us both.

Do you understand me?Yeah.Good. Now, Captain Birdseye's on the door.

We'll walk up with confidence, waltz in.

He says anything, we blag it. Right.Right?Mm.OK.

So... chest out, shoulders back.

Confidence, yeah? Confidence, yeah.

Let's have it. Let's have it.

(FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES)

Who are you? We're here for the party, mate.

You're...? We're with the band.Oh.

Love your cod fillets. They're the bollocks.

God bless ya. Yeah.Nice one, Glen.

Slick. Hm. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Don Campbell, you miserable cunt!

(VOICE SLOWS) Come out and see your...

(MUSIC STOPS) (HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)

(SLOW, ECHOED CHATTER)

(NOSTALGIC LOVE SONGS PLAY ON SPEAKERS IN ROOM)

MAN: Can I help?

Oh. Is this...?

Oh, we're doing Dreamboats and Petticoats today for the residents.

Helps them to remember, y'know?

Who are you? WOMAN: It's me, Derek.

It's Claire.

So, who are you here to visit?

Uh... We're, um...

We're looking for Don.

Don Campbell.

Yes, follow me.

Hello, Derek. Who are you?

And then, if you'd like to engage our services further, we'll have you on file.

We'd have to consider that on a case-by-case basis.

Our books are... rather full.

I-I-Is he alright? EL-BAZ: He's fine.

He knows what he did. Right...

come on, Yohannes! Let's get out of here.

Can't have you bleeding out on these fine people's carpet.

(CHUCKLES) And you...

..nice doing business with you... (SOFTLY) ..Boss Bitch.

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Pew, pew!

Yeah, it's on your folder.

Oh... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Laters, Ronald.

(DOOR OPENS)

(SIGHS DEEPLY, GROANS) (CHUCKLES)

Oh. Oh!

Thank Christ! Well, don't thank him, Ron.

Thank me. (LAUGHS) R...

Only... Only joking. No, uh... it's... it's all good.

It's all good. (CHUCKLES) You're kidding?

You could have got us all killed.

What? He's a powerful man.

You can't just... dish up threats.

It was pretty whacka-fucking-doodle-do, and that's coming from me.

Well, I thought... I thought-

Well, don't fucking think. Just...

toe the line from now on, love.

Go back to you filing. Mm-hm.

# MILVA: L'immensita # (CONTEMPLATIVE BALLAD)

OK.

Yeah, this, uh... this ain't right. This is the wrong place, so...

must be another Don Campbell.

Date of birth 3rd of April 1951?

(SIGHS) Yeah.

(SWEEPING STRING ACCOMPANIMENT)

# Io son sicura che...

Actually, Mr El-Baz?

Um... Can I just check your payment details because...

You're not gonna ask me for a job then?

You're better than this place, Kirsty.(SCOFFS)

(MUSIC FADES OUT)(CHUCKLING) No, I don't think I am. Am I?

Ball's in your court... Boss Bitch.

(MUSIC RESUMES) (CAR DOOR CLOSES)

You should know that he's...

Well, it's palliative care.

(SIGHS)

OK. Well...

..come on then. Um...

(MUSIC FADES OUT)

I might need, um... (CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY)

There's a family room, if you'd like a moment.

Uh... I'll...

..I'll go first.

(MUSIC FADES IN GRADUALLY)

# Nell'immensita-a-a-a...

(MACHINES BLEEPING)

Hello, Dad...

..you fucker. # Nell'immensita #

(BREATHING SHAKILY) (MACHINES PUMPING, WHIRRING)

# TERRY SNYDER: Theme from Picnic #

(PERCUSSIVE, GENTLY SWINGING, NOSTALGIC MUSIC)

You been busy? (MUSIC STOPS) WOMAN: He can hear ya.

Sorry. I should've...

I didn't want to interrupt.

Sorry, I... I thought his nurse.... Oh, I'm not the nurse, love.

I'm his wife, Sheryl. (MUSIC RESUMES MORE ENERGETICALLY)

It's Lee, isn't it?

Ooh, it's alright. You're with family.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Come here.

(MUSIC RESUMES WITH SOFT, SHIMMERING BRASS ACCOMPANIMENT)

(DOOR CREAKS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

That's Freya and Lily, the grandkids.

Always climbing all over him!

They're gonna love you. (MUSIC FADES OUT)

Simon and Matthew, they're your stepbrothers.

They were just young kids when I met your dad,

but he took 'em on like his own.

He's such a loving father. They're here somewhere.

I can fetch 'em. Nah, you're alright.

I helped Donald find the church. (CHUCKLING) Donald.

You got kids?

Nah.

Not really a family man.

"Chip off the old block." That's what me mum used to say.

(MUSIC RESUMES) Turns out she was wrong about that.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Who are you visiting? Hm?

Oh, um... my... dad. Yeah.

Us, too. Oh.Mm.

Donald talked about you a lot. He was so proud of ya.

Funny way of showing it. He thought about you every day.

Wanted so badly to get in touch. Well, why didn't he?

We thought he was dead.

All these years, not one word, and then, only one photo of me

and not one of Glen. Glen?

The other one? What?

You don't know-Why ain't he got no photos of his son?

(CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC)

Our... Our dad left when we were quite young.

To be honest, me and him weren't close.

I-I thought I might feel...

..I don't know, angry, you know? But I-I don't...

I don't feel anything. (CHUCKLES)

We're here for our stepdad. Oh, right.

But we've always just thought of him as "Dad," haven't we?

He's a great man. (CHUCKLES)

You don't have to be blood to be family.Mm.

Mm. Uh-huh.

SHERYL: He never said who Glen's real father was.

But he couldn't stand to be around this... reminder.

I don't, um... Him, Glen.

It tormented your dad just to see him.

My mum weren't like that. I'm guessing...

Glen's different to you and your father.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Lee, about your own mother.

What? That she were unfaithful.

I'm sure she had reasons.

Christ teaches us to love the sinner, hate the sin.

Well... people fuck up.

We don't curse in here. This is a place of serenity.

So, you still see this... Glen?

See him? He's got his trotters up in the family room, my darling.

I presume he doesn't know either. No, he doesn't.

I think he should.

Christ teaches us to shine light on darkness.

Well, Christ can do what he fucking likes.

We're not gonna tell Glen. It will kill him.Right. Well...

if he's here, he'll have met his stepbrothers, then.

They might well feel inclined to enlighten him.

No.(SIGHS) (RHYTHMIC MUSIC RESUMES)

But, please, come over some time! Join us at church even!

You'd like it! Your Dad did!

He were very friendly with the pastor!

He was pretty chummy with the garlic bread 'n' all, by the look of him.

Our biological father died years ago.Oh.

We were with him at the end, too.

Luckily.

It's important.

Getting to say goodbye. Goodbye.

Yeah. Mm.

(RHYTHMIC MUSIC INTENSIFIES SOFTLY)

(BREATHING ANGRILY)

Ooh! The old two-step. Move!

I'm Nancy, but you can call me whatever you like.

Fucking hell. (LAUGHS) Ooh!

Lovely big bum on you there?! (LAUGHING)

Ooh! (CHUCKLING)

(DOOR OPENS) (LIVELY MUSIC CONTINUES)

Where's Glen?

Oh. Glen? Little bloke? Cagoule?

M&S slacks. That's the one. Oh, he went to go

and say goodbye to his dad. Oh, fuck!Whoop-de-do!

Who's this?This is Nancy, but you can call her whatever you like.Wait.

Don't we know you? Yes, I'm the gardener.

N-No, that's not it. Can't stop. Gotta trim the gardenias.

(LAUGHING) (DOOR CLOSES)

No, don't go in there. What? Why?

He's unresponsive. It's not good.

I have to, Lee.It's horrific. And you can't unsee it.

Lee, you don't need to protect me from everything.

No, Glen...

..you know? Because, sometimes, you've just got... Oh...

he's perked right up.

(JAZZY, BLUESY PIANO MUSIC) Huh.

Such a relief. Go on.

(MUSIC FADES GRADUALLY) (MACHINES BLEEPING SOFTLY)

(BOTH CHATTERING SOFTLY)

Stop. You can't go in. BOTH: Why not?

Because he's...

..dead. (SIGHS)

Dad. (SIGHS)

Go and make yourselves a cup of tea,

and I'll come and get you when I've tarted him up.

But... you're the gardener.

We're short staffed.

Go on.

(DOOR OPENS)

He's got another family. Yeah.

Yes, he has.

Go on talk to him. Go on. He can hear ya.

Go on.

(MUSIC SLOWS, SOFTENS, CONTINUES)

Hi, Dad. What's happen... (CLEARS THROAT)

(SMACKS LIPS) Good to see you.

(SIGHS) 'Spose I won't be getting my answers after all.

Probably not.

But he loved you, Glen.

Huh? At least you know that.

Had it by his bedside the whole time.

Wow. (SWINGING BLUESY MUSIC)

I don't even recognise him, Lee. Mm-mm.

I'll give you a minute.

Shit. (DOOR CLOSES)

Lee? Were you just in his room? I've been looking for ya.

God. I've been thinking I want to get into it.

Right. Well, let us... Not in there.

Not in front of me dad. I don't want to over commit, you know?

I understand.

There is a prayer room down the corridor.Perfect.

(SIGHS DEEPLY) How lovely! Mm.

So, we, uh... we... we put our hands together.

Don't we? And, uh... Huh. Yes.

We don't have to close our eyes, but it... it does help.

I'd like to close eyes. Oh, good.

So... we can ask God anything we want.

And...(DOOR CREAKS, CLOSES) (DOOR LOCK CLICKS)

Huh? Lee? Lee! (BLUESY MUSIC GETS LOUDER)

I don't even know what to say to you now, Dad.

(MUSIC FADES OUT)

I don't really know you, do I?

I 'spose just...

..I forgive you.

Yeah. (DOOR OPENS)

You done yet or...? It's a bit quick.

Yeah, but have you said what you wanted to say

because we should- I...

I suppose I have. Yeah.

I thought I'd feel sad, Lee, but I-I don't.

I-I-I don't feel anything. Am I shit?

No. You've got no reason to feel bad, Glen.

He left us, remember?

Me and Kirsty, we're your family. He ain't part o' that.

So... yeah, let's go.

Ooh, here, benefit the cause.

(ROCK 'N' ROLL SAXOPHONE AND DRUMS MUSIC)

Let me out!

Him. Is that him?

Does she mean me? Dementia. She probably thinks you're Ronnie Corbett.

Ah... (SING-SONGY) ..let's take the scenic route...

(NORMAL) ..because it's nicer, and there's a lovely lawn.

You off already?Yeah. Will you be back?

BOTH: Nah.

(SIGHS)

IAN: So, Lee... I brought you here to...

Secrets.

(SIGHS) He fucking replaced us.

I always wanted to be like him, but it was me mum.

She's the one who held it all together.

I never even got to say goodbye to her.

Yes, that does sound tricky. Now- What are we doing here anyway?

Ice creams by the fountain. That's not gonna get you any winkle.Well...

There's a woods round the corner. There'll be plenty of geezers in there wanking.

No! Lee, I... Look, I don't want this.What?

I'm sorry, but I don't think this is quite-I get it.

You're still not over me. What?

And that's... it's fair enough, you know?Now, hang on!

I think you're a lovely geezer... You're not listening!

I am listening. It's just that all that I'm hearing-Oh...

shut up! (EXHALES ANGRILY)

This is it. I thought I was in love with you,

but now, having spent time with you, I've realised...

you're pig-headed and obnoxious and emotionally crippled.

And I don't want to cruise for winkle with you anymore.

(LIGHT, SHIMMERING WOODWIND MUSIC) Here.

Rude.

# Oh, senor... #

Aw, love! Yeah. I mean...

obviously, it was... horrible seeing him all...

B-But... But I feel like my anger

what I had... it's just... gone.

You've got closure! That's great! Yeah. Yeah, I think...

maybe I have. Yeah?Yeah.

Aw! Lanzarote!

I didn't even know the telly did that!

Yeah, just clicked "connect to the cloud." Hm.

Hey, how was your day? How's work?

Yeah, it was... um... yeah.

What? (LAUGHS)No, well, it's a bit boring, but, um...

yeah, I think I might have discovered

an untapped revenue opportunity.

Oh. Well done, love.Thank you. I knew you could do it.

Yeah. W-W-W-Which, um...

(CLICKS LIPS) ..which is a relief cos, um...

I think I might need to find a new job.

Glen? Yeah, uh...

haven't really mentioned it, what with everything...

But, um... yeah, I sort of put work on the back burner,

and it turns out we've got an audit on Friday,

so I think, maybe, we're, yeah...

fucked.

Mm. Oh.

Yeah. But, you know... it's alright.

Actually, you know what? I'll find a new job.

Yeah.Won't I? You know? A-A-And I-I-I've got you, and... and Lee,

and actually, you know, family is... is what matters, don't it?

Aw, d'you know what?

She gonna do it. Oh...

she gonna do it.She's gonna do it. She loves to do it.

She loves to do it. She loves it.

She's gonna crack open a bottle. Oh, do it. Go on, then.

(LAUGHS)

Because do you know what, Glen?

(LAUGHS) I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry, but, sometimes, you do.

You just have to...

..celebrate.

# BLUE MINK: The Banner Man #

# Glory, glory, glory...

Fu-u-u-uck!

(EXCLAIMS)(SCREAMS) What the fuck is happening?

# Sing that same old story

# Ain't it something grand

# To be good as you can

# Like a Banner-Man?

# So we reached the square At the top of the hill

# And the music stopped And we stood quite still

# And a few were saved And the people said, "Amen!"

# Then, we all got up and formed... # Subtitles by Sky Access Services www.skyaccessibility.sky