Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

We're looking for Don Campbell.

There's still a duffle bag of his somewhere in the garage.

Ask the Kelsoc lot.

You're not six foot through that door and you wanna change things?

No, no, no. Who is it?

Now they want sixteen hundred pounds or he's gonna tell Glen.

Who are ya?

Hello, Kirsty.

# LUIS MARIANO: C'est Magnifique

It was for a cruise.

You were blackmailing me... for a cruise?!

I may have gone a tad far.

A tad? A fucking tad?! Hold up.

How did you get hold of the photo?

After my departure... from the old job,

I saw you in the car. I-I suppose I was envious of your...thing.

There was no thing.Why are you saying there was a thing?

At first, I just wanted to shit you up. But then life took a turn.

Sheila evicted me, froze my bank cards.

I've been living in our caravan ever since.Ian, you threatened me.

Well, you started it!

I was going to leave it alone

and then you sent me that goading voice note.

So where does the fucking cruise come in?

Well, I admit I became a little fixated with our friendship, Lee.

But then I realised there was a bigger underlying issue

that needed to be addressed.

And the money was to...pursue that...hobby.

It was for a... A...

A what?

A Neptune Gay Cruise.

OK.

Right.

Oh.

So...because you've met me,

you've realised...

Finish your chips. Sorry?

Finish your fucking chips.

I fucked up a lot in my life.

I need to start putting it right.

And when I do, you're gonna delete that photo from your phone. Yes?

Yes. Because mark my word, Ian,

I swear as God is my fucking witness...

What's happening? I'm going to get you a bit of cock.

Oh. Ahem.

You are finish?

We're finish.

# THE TEMPTATIONS: Papa Was A Rollin' Stone

# Wherever he laid his hat...

Open another one, then, Glen.

Mum, look what I've got!

Christ! Mum! He took my bear!

Don, please, not today. Don.

Don, it's not fair on him!

Mum, he took my bear!

Don.

Don, it's not fair on him!

(BAG SCRUNCHES)

..it's not -

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Oh, my god.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(WINDOW WHIRRING)

All right? Nippy out.

How do you wanna do this?

Er...

Shall I start or...

(OWL HOOTS)

Erm, v-very well.

Is he joining in?

Don't worry about me, I'm just here for moral support. You crack on.

Lee...I'm not quite sure that -

Ian, if you want a bit of saveloy, you gotta get amongst it.

Well... Perhaps. Although I do think -

Carpe fucking diem. In't that right?

Eh? Heh heh!

Yeah... Yeah, you know what? I'm good.

(RAPID FOOTSTEPS AWAY)

He's probably not into gingers.

Hm.

# LESLEY GORE: The Party's Over (DOOR OPENS)

All right, love? I'm back.

# The party's over

# It'a time to call it a da-

(GRUNTS) No!

No, no. Sorry, erm...

Sorry, it's just that no-one's lit it since Mum.

Right. Is it for Lee? It says -

No, wrong envelope.

Oh, right.

Oh, is that a videotape?! What's on it?

Nothing much, just old home video, Christmas 1994.

Aww, let's see little Glen! Aaaghh!

No, I'd rather not. It's just um...

..a bit weird seeing it as an adult.

Really? Mm. It's not...how I remembered.

Dad was erm... Yeah.

Oh, love. Well, don't over-think it.

Blokes back then, Glen, they were all weird, weren't they?

You know, emotionally distant.

It's before they had podcasts.

Not with Lee, he weren't. Bloody loved Lee.

Everyone always does.

Tea? Hm?

Tea, do you want one?

Did you ever fancy him, Kirst?

My brother? What?

Lee. It's alright, I won't mind.

No, Glen, I don't -

It's fine, Kirst. I mean, you know. No, Glen, I don't -

It's alright, I think a lot people probably -

I don't, Glen. No. I'm not into, you know, all that.

(SCOFFS) I'm into you.

Do you remember when I kept going

'Why do the bins smell like holiday?'

And it was cos you'd put Summer Breeze air fresheners

under the bin bag. Who does that?!

You. You're wonderful.

And I have got a little surprise for you anyway.

A little surprise for me. What?

What, like a bit of morning... (WHISTLES)

I think, actually, it's better than that.

Oh.

# MARCEL AMONT: Tout Doux, Tout Doucement

(CLOSES DOOR)

# Da-dum da-dam, da da da dum

# Da-dum da, da-da-da dum

# Da da-dum dum dum dum... #

(CRUNCHES CRISP)

(SONG CONTINUES)

(CLICK)

(CHUCKLES) Look at him!

Gonna be the best striker the Hammers have ever seen.

Don't know about that, Dad.

Come here. Give the old man some love, eh? Come here!

(LAUGHS)

What are you like?!

(SONG CONTINUES)

(SONG FADES)

Glen!

Glen. Glen!

Agh!I think you need a time-out, young man.

Agh! Ooh! What are you... What's happening?

Just go with it Go with what? What -

I'm Jo Frost. I'm Jo Frost. Remember?

Who's Jo Frost? Jo Frost. Supernanny.

It's un-aseptable behaviour. It's my Dom persona, isn't it?

It's just like, you know... OK, fine, fine. Call me Madam.

You're on the memory foam, Kirst. Yeah, I know.

OK. Call me...erm...Miss. Oh...

No... No. Call me Mummy.

Kirsty! I mean not actually your mum.

Kirsty! Obviously. I'm trying stuff out.

We're trying stuff out, aren't we? I-It's a lot, Kirst.

I know. I know.

It's just these boots. They make me feel powerful.

Like I can do anything. Like, raah! You know?

I can see. It's terrifying. Like...sexy terrifying? Or...

Kirst, I don't want you to be a character. I like you, don't I?

I just like it when you're, you know, very you.

Yeah.

OK, well, I'll return them, then.

Shall I make you some toast while you get ready for work?

Is that a-septable?

# TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD: Sixteen Tons

# Some

# People say a man is made out of mud

# A poor man's made out of muscle and blood

# Muscle and blood and skin and bone

# A mind that's a-weak and a back that's strong

# You load 16 tons, what do you get?

# Another day older and deeper in debt

# Saint Peter, don't you call me cos I can't go

# I owe my soul to the company store

(SONG FINISHES)

Oops.

I dislodged a satsuma.

Well, pick it up, then.

No.

You what?

I said...

No.

All right, fine. Christ!

Pam. I know there's something going on that I'm not being told.

You're going to squash your orange. You wouldn't...

..hide anything from me, would you, Pam?

No. Good.

So I know that we're holding a consignment of palettes

for a company called El—Baz Exchange Group.

I don't know anything about that. Pam?

I'm not allowed to talk about it. That's better.

Ron, he... He's not gonna take on the contracts because erm...

Well, he's got fucking scruples.

When's the meeting?

Pamela...when...

(SQUELCHING) ..is the meeting?

Weird, Ian, seeing him on that video.

It's brought it all back.

Yes. Er... Sorry, Lee.

Look, I don't think -

We were close, me and him.

And we absolutely must chat that through.

But I'm not sure that this is...

(DOOR SLAMS)

Oh, god. Anyway, it don't matter now.

Trail's gone dead. All we've got is this Kelsoc.

Lee! Lee!

Kelsoc?! I've googled it. Nothing.

(WHISPERS) Lee! There's someone here.

Right, well, cop hold of it and fill your boots, son.

No, look, I... I'm not sure I'm ready.

Oh, crikey! Kelsoc?

What the fuck is it? Very well.

MAN: Sorry... Did you say...Kelsoc?

Yeah, I did, yeah. Blimey.

I ain't heard that in years. What... What, what you know it?

Kelham Social Club. Just off the A12.

Is it? Fucking hell!

Dodgy, mind. I'd watch how you go.

Yeah, no, I will do, son. Cheers!

(DOORS OPENING AND CLOSING)

Lee!

Do you know, I'm not sure I'm in the mood.

Oh, shit. Text from me grandkids. Put me right off.

Oh, well, okey-dokey! (ZIP)

Bye now! (DOOR OPENS)

Sales, Aysha, is about connecting with the customer.

Yes, bro. Yes, I feel you. Wow. OK. Right, well...

And if you can do that, forge that connection, it's amazing.

Making people happy. Yeah. Yeah, no, totally.

Why are you chatting? I'm on the phone.

Nice one, hustler. Roll safe, my G.

Soz, but it's proper difficult getting a doctor's appointment now.

Aysha, please. Please, I need you to sell stuff otherwise we are fucked.

We're screwed. Bro, why's your dick in a twist?

Who cares about audits?! This place is well dodgy.

It's probably like a front or something.

No-one buys carpet no more!

Right. OK -

Shit, your brother! What? Where?

That's not my brother. Glen, we need to go!

I've found Kelsoc. It's Dad's club!

Hi. What no, no. I can't just go now.

What the fuck are you talking about? This is Dad.

Do you want a Lucozade Sport? I'd have to close up.

And we've got an audit coming up. Who gives a fuck about an audit?

I actually said that to him.

You can look after the shop, can't ya?

Me?! Yeah, no, course.

Really? I don't think you can -

I can do this in my sleep, bro. Fucking watch.

Right. Lively!

Gonna sell so much, bro! Just wait!

Gonna sell the fuck out of these carpets!

Sorry, could you help me with er...

I think the guy just left.

(SAWING)

Couple of hours, I'll have knocked it up. You need a desk, don't ya?

Aww. Honestly, Sam, it's not necessary.

(BEEPING) Oh, that'll be your coffee.

How do you want it, dairy milk or oat?

Ooh! Um...

Dealer's choice. (CHUCKLES)

(DOOR OPENS) Oi oi! Anyone 'ome?

Mum! What... How did you get this address?

Fuck off, it's hardly GCHQ, is it?

It's nearly me birthday. We're going to do us a mum-daughter manicure.

No, I can't just leave work, Mum. I've got very important meetings.

Here are, I did you a mix. Oaty sweet with a dairy finish.

And who are you when you're at home?

Excuse me? I'm Pam.

Pam? As in Pamela.

Crikey.

So is it you she's doing these very important meetings with, then?

Yes, um... So if you've got those quarterly reports for me, Pam,

and if you could pop this in my office for me. Thank you.

What, you mean the bog room? Where am I gonna put it?

You've got all your mops in there, buckets on the toilet seat.

Hang on. Are you -

No. Actually, um...

I do have a couple of hours to spare. So...

I'm going to pop out. Back soon.

And yeah, I will need those by end of play. OK?

Ditch the boots, Kirst. I am not trekking round Westfield

with Xena, Warrior Princess. Thank you.

Got her in a gaff in Enfield. She's beautiful, in't she?

She's disgusting. She's 20 quid a day, mate.

Hm.

I knew Dad would like a boozer like this.

He loved a shit hole, didn't he? What a bloke!

What a bloke. This is it, Glen, I can feel it.

Let's fucking do this.

# WILSON DAS NEVES: Cloud Nine

(MUSIC BUILDS)

Oh, shit.

# Oh, Danny Boy... It's fucking wake, Lee!

Glen. Stay. We can't.

Why can't we? # The pipes

# The pipes are calling

We've come all this way and now you wanna leave?

# From glen to - Glen!

# And...down the mountainside

# The summer's go-ooooone!

# And all the roses falling

# It's you, it's you

# Must go # Must go and I must

# And I must # Bide #

# Bi-iiii-duh #

Who the fuck are you?

Sorry, we're just going actually.

No, we're not. We're Andy's mates.

Oh, you're mates of Andy? Why didn't you say so?!

You hear that chaps? They're Andy's mates.

Yeah, Andy. He was a proper geezer.

That is Sandy, you cunt.

The carnations were wilting. This is a private function.

Get out. Absolutely. Come on, Lee.

Alright, we don't know him. We're looking for someone.

They're fucking rozzers! Course we ain't fucking rozzers.

Well, he is. Can't even do plain clothes proper.

Looks like he's on a school trip. It's a work shirt.

Jimmy! Alright, listen, we're Don's sons.

Don Campbell.

We're trying to find him. We heard that yous lot know where he is.

Mary and Joseph! He's the spit.

There you go. See? I'm Don's boy!

I don't care if you're Don's great-granny.

You ain't getting his whereabouts out of me.

Now sling your fucking hooks! Apologies. We'll be off. Sorry!

We're this close, Glen.

We want to find him. We want to make amends because...

..we miss him. (LAUGHS)

What?You've changed your fucking tune, haven't you?

I'm doing this for you, twat!

Ignore him. Me and me dad were peas in a pod.

He's a mummy's boy, you know what I mean?

So go and get yourself a Vimto.

We only do J2O. Sure. On the rocks.

I'll have a bit of Crimson Scandal. Sounds like me.

And what colour would you like? Oh, she'll just have Nude.

I think it's great you got a job.

There is no shame in being a cleaner.

Mum, I'm not a cleaner. Her in the flat below me does it.

Course, she is 72, and just the one foot from diabetes. But still.

I've actually got quite big plans. For the company.

I'm a stakeholder. Yeah. I should probably get back quite soon.

I've got a catch-up and a meeting tomorrow.

Kirsty, love. Remember what happened

last time you tried to be impressive?

That interview for the flashy uni?

You had a nervy-b and came out in a stress rash

before we even got through the door. I had to take her home.

Crying her eyes out, she was. Face like a fucking summer pudding. Oh!

Just tryna look out for you, love. I'm your mum.

Mm-hm. Yeah.

Are you gonna help me out then or what?

Don wouldn't want surprise guests. So he lives round here, does he?

Don't push it, son! I'm not... I'm not pushing it. OK?

You don't seem as keen.

Oh. It's er...

It's complicated.

He's got Don's swagger. Hm.

You know him as well, then?

Don't tell me. Top-notch bloke.

Yeah, he's decent. Not like these pricks.

Here, take another.

Might come in handy.

A beermat?

..a lot of memories come flooding back.

He used to come and watch me play football every Sunday.

He was the loudest geezer there. Like, go on, son!

Like a fucking foghorn. (LAUGHS) That's him! That's Don!

See? Get on this one.

I'm alright. You alright?

Not bad!

He gets it, look! Gis them.

Get on this one. Watch.

Yeah, I'm alright. You alright? (LAUGHTER)

Perhaps we should consider it. Consider it. He was a great dad.

Ha ha!

Was he? I don't know if you've forgotten,

but he fucking abandoned us, and Mum.

Wee Jimmy Cranky's piped up! I'm doing it, ain't I?

I'm finding your fucking dad for you.

Yeah. Right, well...

Maybe not so keen any more.

Yeah?

(KEYS LAND) Well, fuck off, then. I'll do it on my own.

# BRASS MONKEYS IRELAND: Freed From Desire

Probably for the best. He'd only be disappointed.

Now where was I? Me and the old man, we were very close.

And that bond is very important.

Ohh! Maria's quiche!

(RAPID GUITAR STRUMMING)

You've quiched me. Yeah, I've quiched you.

You're asking for it. Jimmy, get these cunts out of here!

(ECHOES) Out of here! Out of here!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Ohh! Me eye!

Maria's buffet!

Ohh!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(GRUNTS)

Ahh!

Ohh!

Ohh!

What the fuck? That was meant for him.

Oi! Get out of it!

(GRUNTING AND YELLING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Fuck you!

(SHOUTING)

Come on.Fuck off! What are you doing?

I'm not a big fucking footie prick like you and Dad!

Oh, whatever! Don's so fucking great, isn't he?

Alright? You alright? What's the matter with you?

Maybe it's because my dad didn't love me!

And you're right, Lee. Even if we do find him, if we go there,

he's not going to want me there cos I'm not you.

Bollocks! You're like Mum. I'm like Dad. End of.

No, she... She loved you.

She can't have loved me. She never forgave me.

She left me nothing. Not one thing!

Maybe it's because you abandoned her.

Some people ain't built for family, Glen.

Me and Dad, we're the same.

But he loved you. Do you know why I know that?

Because I fucking love ya.

You dickhead! (GLASS SMASHES)

They're gonna fucking kill us, Lee!

Don't be stupid.

(YELLING) Follow me.

Keep out of it! Agh!

There they are! Get 'em!

# THE COASTERS: Down In Mexico

Aghh!

# I mean down in the Mexico

# And you wanna get straight, man

Fuck off! # Don't hesitate

# Just look up a cat named Joe #

Yaaah!

# He wears a red bandanna, plays a blues piano

# In a honky-tonk down in Mexico

# He wears a purple sash and a black moustache

# In a honky-tonk down in Mexico #

Bring me their fucking 'eads!

(BOTH PANTING)

Looks like we fucked it. Sorry.

Yeah, well. Looks like Big Don wants to stay lost.

There's nothing we can do about it.

You've got quiche on your jacket. I've got wet wipes.

Wassat?

It's Dad's address.

Well, fuck my old boots.

He's minted.

(SONG CONTINUES)

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