Original subtitles

Wake up, little Susie.

Stop her.

Turn her off.

Too early for vacuuming.

It's three in the afternoon.

If that were true, junk and stuff would be open.

It is.

I like your robe.

Can I buy it?

No. Give you two bucks?

Deal.

Okay, let me just get your real money from right here in my not -empty purse.

See? Sucker.

That lady just stole your robe.

Oh, what?

She's getting away.

Ah, who cares?

I'll just steal the robe off someone else later. Circle of life.

Actually, she's having some trouble getting up the stairs. It's about time

get her back. I don't care about her.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

Leave my shirt.

Craig, we got an emergency call. The toddler just escaped from Swellview

He greased himself up with baby oil and no one could grab him.

Slick move.

Let's bounce.

No one cares about the toddler.

We catch him, we throw him in jail. Six weeks later, he's back out on the

street.

I know what to do.

I sometimes forget how old he is. I don't.

Well, it's like a dating app, but instead of matching women with creeps,

matches heroes with villains.

Why would a villain want to find a hero to fight?

Attention, publicity.

Yeah, think about it. Any bad guy that fights Captain Man ends up all over the

news. And if they actually beat you in a fight?

Boom, evil sponsorship. They just turned their villain hobby into a villain

career. Yeah, well, no one's going to beat me in a fight.

Big talk from someone who's afraid to get on Rumbler.

I'm not afraid to get on Rumbler.

I just like to meet villains the old -fashioned way, that's all.

I bump into them at a crime scene, start to banter a little.

One thing leads to another, and suddenly I'm fighting this bad guy, and it's

amazing.

Yeah, dude, that's not how villains and heroes meet these days.

Yeah, well, it should be.

Just try it. Get the app, make a profile, put yourself out there.

Ray, what if your perfect villain is out there waiting for you right now?

Yeah, well...

What if I end up finding some guy I don't like and I accidentally spill

on my butt and he spends the whole evening calling me mustard butt? What

huh? What then?

Did that happen to you before?

No. Because that's a very specific concern.

Didn't happen.

What if you and Kid Danger went together?

What, you mean like go on a double fight?

Sure. Come on, man.

How often do we even fight crime anymore?

Maybe once a week? Only on Saturdays?

Listen.

Just come.

It'll be fun. Come on, please. Fine, okay.

Okay.

Name. Captain.

Man.

Interested in.

Criminal.

Ray, we need that pic for your profile.

You can't crush art.

Smile with your eyes, not your mouth.

Show me your soul.

No, no, no, no. Your other soul, the better one.

That's the one.

I'm on a five.

Great work to us. I'm on a five.

Why am I holding everything?

Don't care. On a five. Bye.

Okay, Ray.

Favorite book?

I don't read. Favorite poem?

Same answer.

Hobbies? Fighting.

Mike? Fighting. This bike?

Reading.

Perfect fight.

I don't know. I don't know. Don't overthink it. Just be yourself.

Okay.

It's midnight.

I'm on top of a blimp.

And suddenly, there's this bad guy.

Sparks flying into our fist.

I defeat him, obviously.

And I jump off the blimp right as it explodes.

Yeah.

Sure it's not too much? Oh, no.

Okay, I think we have our profile pic.

Ooh.

Wow.

I'd fight me.

Totally.

All right, profile's done. Let's take this puppy live.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Nah. No, what are you doing? I said wait.

What's this?

That's a match.

Somebody wants to fight you.

Oh, more matches.

Is that a smile?

No.

Yeah, it is.

Maybe.

I wanted an after school job, but then an indestructible superhero hired me to

be his sidekick.

Now we blow bubbles and fight crime.

Feels good.

Don't touch my bar. I'm not touching it. Just here if you need me. I don't need

you. Here if you do. I won't. Safety first. I'm indestructible.

Here if you need me.

Hey,

stop pumping up your glamour muscles and get over here so we can start looking

at these matches.

Yeah, dog.

I want to look at pictures of other people and judge.

All right, I'm coming. Jasper, take this.

No, you need me.

Okay.

guys that saw your profile and want to fight you. Let's get to the judging!

Okay, if you don't want to meet up with them for a fight, you swipe left.

If you do want to meet up with them for a fight, you swipe right, and the app

will automatically set up a meeting.

You know, it's funny, I feel like ten minutes ago I told you I wanted to see

matches, but you're still talking and I haven't seen any.

And I'm on a fight!

Oh, come on!

Okay, so just look at these pics and tell me if you want to swipe left or

right. All right.

This guy says his bikes are... Okay.

This next guy is from... Left.

Wow.

This villain once robbed a... Big left.

Are you serious, dude?

What? You're not even giving any of these villains a chance.

That last one's name was Bad Guy.

It's not going to match with anybody who can't come up with a better name than

that. Yeah, okay, Captain Man.

What did you say? Okay, okay, okay. More matches, more matches. We're going to

do more matches. Let's do this one guy. This guy right here. What do you think

of him?

Too short.

Too tall.

Just right. Nice.

But ugly past. What?

Ooh.

The lawn ranger?

Yeah, man.

You guys are a 97 % match for each other.

And look. His dream fight is on top of a blimp at midnight, just like yours.

Yeah, but, I mean, it's not like he wants to jump off as it explodes. Yes,

that's exactly what his profile says.

Do you guys really think that this bad guy could be the one? Yeah.

I guess we could swipe right.

Oh,

okay.

Looks like you got a fight set for an hour from now at PBD.

Oh, the beating dungeon.

Oh, yeah, that underground fight club. Oh, my gosh, what's happening?

Oh, what am I going to wear?

Uh, your Captain Man uniform.

Yeah, that's perfect. Looks great on me.

But I got to go lift some more weights first.

Here, if you need me. I don't need you.

Henry, come get me a spot. What?

Hang on, dude. I got to set up my Rumble profile.

You haven't set it up yet?

Black.

I'm done.

A lot of matches, so... Let's see him!

I'm ready to get my hate on.

Nah, I'm probably just gonna pick the first one.

You're gonna swipe right in the first villain, you see?

Harry, don't do that.

You deserve so much more.

Whatever. This guy seems fine.

Just gonna swipe. What's his name?

Uh, Kyle.

Ooh, sounds like a dud.

Does he like energy drinks and punching holes in walls? Sounds like my uncle.

It's him.

It's him.

The lawn ranger sent me a message. Oh, my God.

What did he say?

I don't know. I'm too nervous. You read it. You read it.

I'm excited to get to mow you.

To mow you?

Yeah.

Because he's the lawn ranger.

We get it.

You're not going to get that kind of wordplay from Kyle.

a place where everybody is down to fight.

Oh, my God, it's Captain Man and Kid Danger.

Yeah.

Yeah, what's up? We're the Lizard Twins.

We'd love to fight you one day.

We couldn't believe it when we saw your profiles on Rumbler. Oh, do you guys

want to fight right now?

Uh, I can't, yeah. Sorry, guys. We're, uh, we're actually here to fight

else. Oh, Rumbler.

Yeah, I matched up. on Rumbler with the Lawn Ranger.

What's so funny? Do you guys know the Lawn Ranger?

Yeah.

He's right over there.

Chilly.

Just pretend you don't see him. Just pretend you don't see him.

Well, it's nothing like his picture. I agree you got captured.

He's right behind you. He's definitely right behind you.

Ahem.

Recognize you.

Probably because you look absolutely nothing like the pictures you posted.

I know. I should probably update those.

But don't worry.

I can still fight.

Whoopsie.

That was my pants. Yeah, I got that.

Excuse me, gentlemen. I'm just going to huge fire you real quick.

Back in a jiffy. Okay.

Still a breeze back there. Yeah,

I agree. This is a big mistake.

We should go.

Kyle, that's my match. I thought it was even better than the pictures.

I'm ready to go.

What?

I'm ready to go. Are you serious, dude? I'd like to go. What about Kyle?

I'm ready to go.

Uh, can't you just wait while I fight Kyle?

What am I supposed to do, huh? Just fight your grass guy.

Ew. Look, you matched with him.

Right? Okay, there's got to be something between you two. You just said the

whole thing was a mistake. Yo, you just want to put yourself out there. Okay,

you leave now. You'll end up sad, covered in cereal.

I like cereal.

Where's Kid Danger?

I'm right here.

Come on, man. Don't leave me here with this guy. Come on.

Hi.

There's the tag.

There's the tag.

There's the tag. We have a story here. Will you excuse me for a second?

Yeah, work it. Work it.

What are these pictures for anyway?

I don't know.

I thought you knew.

Well, we're taking them.

What's up, Ray?

I want to go home.

What's wrong?

Lord Ranger's lame.

Today, did you let me?

I'm not even kidding. I sat down with some mustard, and it's all over my butt.

Where did Henry go?

Fighting Kyle.

minutes ago, I told you to drive yourself, but you're still talking and

driving.

When I said that to you earlier, it was hilarious.

But when you say it to me, it's just me.

Was I having fun?

No, it's just the Lone Ranger is lame and he wants Piper to pick him up.

Fine. I can fix this.

That's right, man. You're not allowed to touch that.

This is an emergency.

What are you doing?

Wade doesn't need to leave. He just needs a new match.

So you're setting Ray up with a new fight. That's right.

But you're not even changing the fight times between fights.

So? So you're setting all those matches up for the same time, for right now.

Grab on your head.

Grab on your back.

Grab on your shoulder.

Super fast attack. I can't do this.

What's wrong?

Look, you seem like an awful person.

Thank you.

And any hero would be lucky to fight you.

What are you doing?

I'm breaking up this fight.

No.

I can change.

Literally. In the winter, I turn brown.

Kyle is everything.

And I'm leaving.

Why?

Look. Not you. It's me.

I'm... Too good for you.

Sorry.

Hey!

Thanks for swiping us.

Yeah.

Can't wait to fight you.

I didn't match with either of you.

Yes, you did.

You've got to say you matched with them, too.

Excuse me.

This is from the gentleman at the end of the bar.

Who?

Hodler?

Well, well, well.

Captain Man.

What are you doing here?

I, uh, been a little bored lately.

Fighting thin heroes over and over again.

Right? Oh, my younger brother.

The newborn?

Yeah.

He talked me into making a profile on this app called Rumbler.

I did the same thing. That's why I'm here.

Same.

I don't know.

It's not for me.

Thank you.

I mean, Rumbler set me up tonight with this hero named Kiki McGee. And he

look anything like his picture. Yes. Who does that?

I like to meet my villains the old... fashion way.

Oh, what a fight. That was amazing.

Congrats. Toddler? Hey, easy, Junior.

I'm off the clock.

Well, I guess I should get going anyway.

I gotta swing by Swellview Airport and not skyjack a cargo plane full of

blankies.

Sure would be a shame if someone tried to stop me.

Well, be around.

Thanks for the drink, Todd.

Toddler.

What are you doing?

What? Go after him.

Why? What do you mean, why?

He clearly wants you to chase him.

You really think so? I know so.

Now, you need to get to that airport and stop him before he gets on that plane.

Maybe he's just being nice.

He left his plans on the bar.

Now, do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering what would happen if

you'd stop that plane, or do you want to stop that plane?

I want to stop that plane.

Then get off your sad butt and face that toddler.

You sure you're gonna be okay without me?

You ready for round two?

I'm gonna be just fine.