Original subtitles

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1 Aww! This is so...

Boring.

Ugh.

Can we at least swim in the pool?

No. Look, don't ruin this for me.

I won thumb war fair and square,

so we're looking at open houses.

Oh, uh, I don't know where to throw this garbage.

Oh, wait... shazam!

Just contemplating how overcrowded L.A. is...

in my two-acre backya-a-a-ard!

Ah, yeah, that's the stuff.

You don't even drink tea.

Yeah, because I can never find it.

If I had these tins, I would drink tea all day, son.

Husband. All day, husband!

♪ I'm in the kitchen ♪

♪ I'm in the living room ♪

♪ I'm in the kitchen ♪

♪ I'm in the living room ♪

Ha! Can I try?

See? Open houses aren't boring.

♪ I'm in the kitchen ♪

♪ I'm in the living room ♪

♪ I'm in the kitchen ♪

♪ I'm in the pool ♪

No! Josh!

Jack-knife!

I can't believe you got us

kicked out of that open house.

Hey, I said I was sorry.

Now can we do something we're all...

into?

No! Don't touch anything!

I'm this close to connecting Garfield to Jesus!

Are you drinking moonshine?

No! That's disgusting!

That's my urine. Uh...

we'll just go in through the kitchen.

Watch out!

Seriously? You had to do this in the kitchen?

Alex was taking up the whole living room.

Ugh. Get in here, Candice!

Your body is a paintbrush that your spirit inhabits.

Look, honey, we have a drawer like the open house.

It won't slam!

Look, Em... chandelier!

I think I'm just gonna go for a walk, get some air.

You don't want to use your body like a paintbrush?

Nah, you guys do your thing, I'll go do my thing.

But we should do a thing together.

Is that thing cleaning up this overcrowded apartment?

Nah, there's gotta be something better.

Hmm.

Oh, my God. Wait.

I've always wanted to be a Family Bike family.

On your left!

Wha... Wha...

Where's your family, loser?

Ooh.

That's what we'll do together.

A family bike! Emily!

Huh?

She left 30 minutes ago.

Never gonna be mine, never gonna be mine, never gonna be mine.

But there's no harm in looking.

♪ Perfect house, perfect house ♪

♪ Perfect hous... ♪

Oh, my God!

I am so sorry! No, no.

I couldn't agree with you more.

This is the ♪ perfect house ♪

Are you gonna put in an offer?

Me? Nah.

To save money, my family lives with a divorced couple,

so open houses are more of a guilty pleasure.

Me too. I just like to come check out

how the other half lives.

Also, at home, my kids write on the walls with shit.

Uh...

Oh, is this your daughter?

Daughter?

No. I'm...

Whoa! You're superstar Mona Arizona!

Yeah, my real name's Caitlin.

What brings you here, Mona?

Well, I'm an emancipated minor,

so I like to go to open houses

because they represent the normal life

I'll never know.

When you work as much as I do,

you start to fear that you'll look back

on these years and think,

"Where did my childhood go?"

Yeah, my triplets love you.

They sing your songs all the time.

Whoa! Triplets?

Yeah. They can't sing.

It's really bad.

Don't forget to check out the guest house.

A happy family like yours must have lots of visitors.

Oh, no, we're not... Oh, come on, Mom.

Let's see where Grandma's gonna stay.

Um... No harm in looking.

Right... hon?

Actually, I need to get back to...

You know what?

Sure thing, hon!

Wink!

Huhuhuhu.

♪ The feeling you get when you're not at home ♪

♪ But you're running around at someone else's home ♪

♪ No worries, no cares ♪

♪ 'Cause your real family's not there ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ No scheming, no cleaning, this world's in between ♪

♪ Yeah, no bull crap, no fights, just laughter ♪

♪ Every ni-i-ight ♪

♪ No wonder you escaped ♪

♪ To an open house ♪

♪ There are no worries in an open house ♪

♪ Reality's blurry in an open house ♪

♪ Why don't you stay a while? ♪

♪ Open house ♪

♪ No, you're not in denial ♪

♪ Open house ♪

Okay I've got my algebra homework,

my Spanish homework, my history homework...

Is there any subject you don't have homework for?

Haha!

Lunch.

Hey, wait a minute.

Where is my lunch?

Mom didn't pack it.

Come to think of it, where is Mom?

You guys!

Do you... Do you guys hear that?

Oh, it's probably just the Cohens' bat mitzvah party

next door.

Uh...

Uh, Mom, you look like you could use a glass of water.

I think you're right, Caitlin,

but I'm pretty sure your mom pronounces it...

"Pinot Grigio."

Yeah. Water.

The Family Bike is here!

Sign here, please.

Hey, how'd you guys get here so fast?

I only ordered it like 20 minutes ago.

Says here you ordered it three days ago.

Three days?! Where the hell is Emily?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, the orders for those Emily real dolls

are all backed up.

Got mine last week, though.

Lot of fun, lot of fun.

Isn't this song great?

No. No, it's not.

Guys, something is wrong in this house.

You know how I wanted a glass of water?

Well, look. Nothing.

So I think, "Hey, maybe the fridge.

Oh, but it's probably empty

like the rest of the house, Emily."

Nope.

It's packed with paintings of food.

Emily!

I had a glass of water an hour ago.

Why don't you let me try, huh?

Ah!

It's not funny!

- Hello? - Emily!

Emily, where are you?!

Josh? Oh, my God!

I'm at the open house, but something's...

wrong here.

Emily?

Emily?

Emily!

Baby!

Emi... ly!

Come back!

Where's your family, loser?

What a beautiful day.

I'll get it!

Emily! There you are.

Hey, I'm Dave, Emily's husband.

What?

I'm Emily's husband.

Josh! Don't come in, don't close the door!

What the hell?

♪ O-O-O-Open House ♪

Try the window!

Let's check upstairs!

What's going on?

It's a set, Josh.

This whole thing... it's a sitcom.

Well, how do we get out?

I don't know!

Hon, I know you're upset,

but we can't say stuff like that here.

- We'll lose our audience. - That's it!

Maybe if we do stuff you can't do on sitcoms

we can get out of here!

What else can't you do on sitcoms?

I don't know.

How did any of this even happen?

And who is that guy that keeps calling you "hon"?

Um... that's...

Mom, why does this guy call Dad "that guy"?

And why does the girl call you "Mom"?

And why do I love this water?

Are you cheating on us with another family?

Um... well... I...

uh...

The music. That's it.

We have to follow the format, not fight it.

I'm calling a family meeting.

The truth is, I haven't been real with any of you.

Josh, I came here because sometimes I feel overwhelmed

by the chaos at the apartment.

I know we chose to have roommates

so we could afford a better school district for Candice,

but just once a week, I like to imagine life

with a little more peace and order.

Open houses give me the strength to deal

with the weird art projects, the exposed wires, and Alex.

There's something really wrong with that guy.

Dave, Caitlin, I can't be a part of your family anymore.

I'm sorry, but it's time for me to go back to my real home.

I understand.

But is it okay if I just stay here?

My triplets are a real pain in the tuchus.

I've never been so excited to leave an open house!

Let's go home.

- Michelle? - Dave!

Where you been?

There's something wrong with the kids.

They're making this weird noise, and they won't stop.

Uh... Dave!

You bastard! Don't you shut me out!

Don't you dare shut me out!

Ah, thank God.

Classic Dave!

Whataya gonna do with me?

♪ Classic Dave ♪

You were right. This is fun for the whole family.

- On your left! - Hey!

Nice family, loser.

Oh, hey, I got you something.

Tins!

Now you can finally drink tea.

- Thanks. - Look out!

How do you stop this thing?

Does anyone else hear that?