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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,074 2 00:00:10,143 --> 00:00:12,544 - ( film projector clicking ) 3 00:00:12,979 --> 00:00:16,081 ( instrumental music playing ) 4 00:00:21,121 --> 00:00:24,023 - � I SAY JAMES, Y'ALL SAY FRANCO, JAMES FRANCO � 5 00:00:24,025 --> 00:00:27,526 � JAMES FRANCO, I SAY JAMES, Y'ALL SAY FRANCO � 6 00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,528 � JAMES FRANCO, JAMES FRANCO 7 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,797 � I SAY JAMES, Y'ALL SAY FRANCO � 8 00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:33,832 � JAMES FRANCO, JAMES FRANCO 9 00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,501 � JAMES FRANCO, JAMES FRANCO � 10 00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:38,437 � MONEY IN THE BANK, BRO, EH, JAMES FRANCO � 11 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:41,807 � FRANCO, FRANCO 12 00:00:41,809 --> 00:00:43,809 � MR. JAMES FRANCO 13 00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:46,078 � FRANCO, FRANCO 14 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,414 � I SAY JAMES, Y'ALL SAY FRANCO � 15 00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:50,516 � JAMES FRANCO, JAMES FRANCO 16 00:00:50,518 --> 00:00:52,718 � I SAY JAMES, Y'ALL SAY FRANCO � 17 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,853 � JAMES FRANCO, JAMES FRANCO 18 00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:57,322 � YO, FRANCO, FRA-FRA-FRANCO � 19 00:00:57,324 --> 00:00:59,224 � FRANCO, JAMES FRANCO 20 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:01,560 � FRANCO, FRA-FRA-FRANCO � 21 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:05,030 � FRANCO, FRANCO, FRANCO 22 00:01:05,032 --> 00:01:07,633 � FRANCO, FRA-FRA-FRANCO. � 23 00:01:09,269 --> 00:01:13,605 - THIS IS "THE COMEDY CENTRAL ROAST OF JAMES FRANCO." 24 00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:16,608 - THIS WHOLE CROWD IS HIGH, JAMES FRANCO. 25 00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:21,380 AND NOW PLEASE WELCOME YOUR ROASTMASTER SETH ROGEN. 26 00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:24,583 - ( applause, cheers ) 27 00:01:31,157 --> 00:01:34,460 - HELLO! HI, GUYS. 28 00:01:34,462 --> 00:01:38,497 MY NAME IS SETH ROGEN. WELCOME TO "THE COMEDY CENTRAL 29 00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:41,467 ROAST OF JAMES FRANCO." 30 00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:43,335 WHY, UH... 31 00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:47,139 WHY ARE WE HERE? WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? 32 00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:50,209 I DON'T KNOW. HOW HIGH WAS I WHEN I SAID I WOULD DO THIS? 33 00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:54,279 IT'S CRAZY. IS THIS PUNISHMENT FOR "THE GUILT TRIP"? 34 00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,881 IS THAT WHAT THIS IS? 35 00:01:55,883 --> 00:01:59,518 I'M JUST GLAD I'M NOT ALONE UP HERE. I GOT NICK KROLL, 36 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,087 JONAH HILL, SARAH SILVERMAN, 37 00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:04,790 ANDY SAMBERG... JEFF. 38 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:09,294 THIS DAIS IS LITERALLY HITLER'S WET DREAM THOUGH, IN ALL HONESTY. 39 00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:13,832 IT'S GOT JEWS, GAYS AND WHATEVER AZIZ IS. 40 00:02:16,169 --> 00:02:19,805 THIS IS SO FUCKED UP TO DO WITH YOU GUYS HERE. 41 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,773 THIS IS SO MEAN. 42 00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:25,777 I REALLY LIKE THESE PEOPLE. UH... 43 00:02:26,246 --> 00:02:29,615 ANYWAY, I'LL START WITH THE JEWIEST AND WORK MY WAY DOWN: 44 00:02:29,617 --> 00:02:32,417 SARAH SILVERMAN IS HERE. 45 00:02:37,557 --> 00:02:40,726 SARAH AND I ACTUALLY WORKED TOGETHER ON THE FILM "TAKE THIS WALTZ," 46 00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:45,464 WHICH SHE WAS GREAT IN. SHE ACTUALLY DID FULL-FRONTAL NUDITY IN THE MOVIE, 47 00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:49,301 WHICH WAS FANTASTIC. IT WAS AMAZING. 48 00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:51,236 I ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE WAS VERY LIBERAL, 49 00:02:51,238 --> 00:02:55,107 BUT IT TURNS OUT SHE'S ACTUALLY A GIANT BUSH SUPPORTER. 50 00:02:57,877 --> 00:02:59,912 HUGE! 51 00:03:00,547 --> 00:03:03,148 AZIZ ANSARI IS HERE. 52 00:03:05,818 --> 00:03:06,385 YES. 53 00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:09,021 THIS IS ACTUALLY THE LONGEST AZIZ HAS EVER HEARD ME TALK 54 00:03:09,023 --> 00:03:13,325 WITHOUT CHECKING TO SEE IF SOMEONE MORE FAMOUS HAS TEXTED HIM. 55 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,197 I WANNA MAKE FUN OF YOU FOR BEING FRIENDS WITH KANYE WEST. 56 00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:23,669 BUT TRUTHFULLY, IT'S THE ONLY COOL THING THERE IS ABOUT YOU, SO I CAN'T DO THAT. 57 00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:26,171 JONAH HILL IS HERE. 58 00:03:30,343 --> 00:03:34,079 A LOT OF PEOPLE COMPARE, UH, JONAH TO A YOUNG BELUSHI-- 59 00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:37,015 JIM BELUSHI. 60 00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:42,187 JONAH'S ACTUALLY STARTED TO MOVE AWAY FROM COMEDY. 61 00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:46,325 IT HAPPENS FIVE MINUTES INTO HIS MOVIE "THE SITTER." 62 00:03:50,263 --> 00:03:52,931 ANDY SAMBERG IS HERE. 63 00:03:55,435 --> 00:03:57,502 ANDY PLAYS A COP ON HIS NEW FOX SHOW. 64 00:03:57,504 --> 00:04:02,608 HIS FIRST CASE WILL BE INVESTIGATING THE DISAPPEARANCE OF HIS NEW FOX SHOW. 65 00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:09,214 A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE LIVE-TWEETING THE SHOW TONIGHT. 66 00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:14,620 SPEAKING OF 140 CHARACTERS NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT, BILL HADER IS HERE. 67 00:04:19,726 --> 00:04:23,028 BILL'S A GREAT IMPRESSIONIST. RIGHT NOW HE'S DOING AN IMPRESSION 68 00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:25,831 OF A GUY WHO REALLY REGRETS LEAVING S.N.L. 69 00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:31,403 NICK KROLL IS HERE. 70 00:04:33,039 --> 00:04:34,039 YES! 71 00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:38,543 NICK KROLL IS THE SCARY JEWISH FACE MEL GIBSON RUNS FROM 72 00:04:38,545 --> 00:04:41,780 IN HIS DREAMS EVERY NIGHT. 73 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,289 "AHHHH!" YEAH. 74 00:04:50,857 --> 00:04:53,558 "GIMME YOUR PENNIES." 75 00:04:54,494 --> 00:05:00,065 LET'S START TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE PEOPLE ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT: JAMES FRANCO. 76 00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:07,839 YOU KNOW, WHO IS THE REAL JAMES FRANCO? 77 00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:10,208 IS HE AN ARTIST? IS HE AN ACTOR? 78 00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,611 IS HE A SCHOLAR? HE'S TOUGH TO PIN DOWN, 79 00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:17,182 ALTHOUGH I'VE HEARD MANY GUYS HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO IT. 80 00:05:19,919 --> 00:05:24,089 LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE CAREER OF JAMES FRANCO. 81 00:05:26,626 --> 00:05:29,695 - I GOT A LOT OF PLANS. - OKAY, WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING? 82 00:05:29,697 --> 00:05:32,297 - PLENTY. - HE IS A DIRECTOR, AN AUTHOR... 83 00:05:32,299 --> 00:05:35,701 - PAINTER, PILOT... - A SOAKING-WET GUCCI SPOKESMAN... 84 00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:37,302 - A STUDENT... - AND AN ARTIST. 85 00:05:37,304 --> 00:05:39,237 - GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE. 86 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:43,342 - THIS IS MY FUCKING DREAM, Y'ALL. MAKE IT COME TRUE. 87 00:05:43,344 --> 00:05:47,145 - RUB YOUR WRIST AGAINST MY BELT BUCKLE. YEAH, LET ME SAVE YOU! 88 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,715 - WHAT DO YOU THINK, I WANT TO BE TERRIBLE AT SCHOOL? 89 00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:51,483 - I ACTUALLY DID FALL ASLEEP IN CLASS. 90 00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:53,385 - WHO DOESN'T FUCKING FALL ASLEEP IN CLASS? 91 00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:55,887 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU READING MY BOOKS? 92 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:59,157 - OH. - STOP IT! STOP LEARNING FOR ONE SECOND! 93 00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:01,626 - OKAY. - JAMES FRANCO. 94 00:06:03,663 --> 00:06:06,631 - THIS GUY AIN'T SO BAD. 95 00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:07,666 - GOD, I'VE MISSED YOU SO! 96 00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:10,302 - JAMES FRANCO DIDN'T SUCK ANY DICK LAST NIGHT. 97 00:06:10,304 --> 00:06:12,204 NOW I KNOW Y'ALL ARE TRIPPING. 98 00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:13,705 - � I... - ALL RIGHT! 99 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,440 - � WANNA BE... - LOOK AT ME. 100 00:06:15,442 --> 00:06:17,042 - � JUST LIKE... - COOL, MAN! 101 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,744 - � JAMES FRANCO... - EFF YOU. 102 00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:20,579 - EFF ME? EFF YOU. - EFF YOU! 103 00:06:20,581 --> 00:06:23,215 - EFF YOU, MAN. - EFF YOU, MOTHER-EFFER. 104 00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:25,283 - � BRASS MONKEY... - GIMME SOME LOVE. 105 00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:28,053 - � THAT FUNKY MONKEY, BRASS MONKEY � 106 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,354 - I'M JUST MARKING MY TERRITORY. 107 00:06:29,356 --> 00:06:31,890 - � THAT FUNKY MONKEY... - THE ARTIST KNOWN AS FRANCO 108 00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,458 WON'T MIND THAT YOU TRASHED HIS MASTERPIECE. 109 00:06:33,460 --> 00:06:36,995 - YOUR MAMA'S PUSSY WAS THE CANVAS, YOUR DAD'S DICK WAS THE PAINTBRUSH. 110 00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:40,599 BOOM, YOU'RE THE ART! - THANKS, JAMES FRANCO. 111 00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:43,735 - WHY DON'T WE DO A SEQUEL TO "PINEAPPLE EXPRESS"? 112 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,704 - YOU GUYS WANT TO BUY SOME CHRONIC? SMELL IT! 113 00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:49,741 LIKE GOD'S VAGINA. - � I'M GONNA POP SOME TAGS � 114 00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:53,078 � ONLY GOT $20 IN MY POCKET � 115 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,180 � THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME... 116 00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:57,883 - WE DO IT GANGSTA! GANGSTA! 117 00:06:57,885 --> 00:06:59,284 I'M FROM A DIFFERENT PLANET, Y'ALL! 118 00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:03,622 AND I JUST TRANSPORTED Y'ALL OUT TO FUCKING SPACE, Y'ALL! 119 00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:05,023 � DAMN, THAT'S A COLD-ASS HONKY. � 120 00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:07,058 - WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER HOSTING THE OSCARS? 121 00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:09,895 - I DID THAT. - SO WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER 122 00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,062 HOSTING IT, PROPERLY? 123 00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:13,632 - I'M THE ACTOR JAMES FRANCO, DAMN IT! 124 00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:16,234 AND I'M IN LOVE WITH A JAPANESE BODY PILLOW! 125 00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:19,471 - � I'VE BEEN LOOKING IN A NEW DIRECTION... � 126 00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:21,339 - AVENGE ME! - NO! 127 00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:24,142 - � I WANNA LAUGH AND I WANNA CRY � 128 00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:25,911 � I WANNA SPIT BUT MY MOUTH'S TOO DRY � 129 00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:29,414 � I WANNA RUN BUT I'M SCARED 'CAUSE MY LEGS DON'T GO... � 130 00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:31,550 - OW, HELP! 131 00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:33,518 HELP! HELP! 132 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:34,219 HELP! 133 00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:37,856 - THE FIRST GUY THAT I EVER SOLD TO THAT I BECAME FRIENDS WITH. 134 00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:39,958 - B.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F. 135 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,193 - BEST FUCKING FRIENDS FOREVER, MAN. 136 00:07:41,195 --> 00:07:45,230 - � IN A NEW DIRECTION. - BOOM. IT'S OVER. 137 00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,201 - ALL RIGHT. 138 00:07:49,203 --> 00:07:53,305 EVERY MAN WANTS TO BE HIM AND HE WANTS TO BE IN EVERY MAN. 139 00:07:53,307 --> 00:07:57,142 THE PRETTIEST BOY I KNOW-- JAMES FRANCO! 140 00:08:03,015 --> 00:08:05,951 WHERE-- WHERE IS JAMES FRANCO? 141 00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:08,787 - COME ON. - READY THREE... TAKE THREE. 142 00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:11,022 OKAY, I GOTTA GO. YOU TAKE OVER. 143 00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:15,060 - FRANCO? WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING BACK THERE? 144 00:08:16,395 --> 00:08:19,164 - ALL RIGHT, SPIDEY-POSE! 145 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,065 GENIUS! 146 00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:22,667 - MR. FRANCO, I'M SO SORRY MY PAPER'S LATE. 147 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:24,870 - OH, LATE? "F"! - LOVE IT. 148 00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,371 BEAUTIFUL. YES, YES! 149 00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:28,073 AND... THAT'S OUR COVER. 150 00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:32,310 - CONGRATULATIONS, DOCTOR. - ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 151 00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:33,745 OKAY. 152 00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:37,449 - "JAMES FRANCO DOCUMENTARY," SCENE 1-APPLE, TAKE ONE. 153 00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:39,284 - HIT IT, ALL RIGHT. 154 00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:41,720 HERE WE GO. 155 00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:56,601 - HI, JAMES. 156 00:09:11,617 --> 00:09:15,820 - ALL RIGHT! WELCOME JAMES FRANCO, EVERYBODY! 157 00:09:19,358 --> 00:09:22,694 I'M A LITTLE SURPRISED HE SHOWED UP, TO BE TOTALLY HONEST. 158 00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:24,496 WHY ARE WE HERE, JAMES? - I DON'T F-- 159 00:09:24,498 --> 00:09:26,164 - CAN YOU TELL US WHY THE FUCK WE'RE HERE? 160 00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:27,766 - NO FUCKING IDEA, BUD. - I KNOW WHY I'M HERE. 161 00:09:27,768 --> 00:09:32,237 'CAUSE WHENEVER YOU DO SOMETHING WITHOUT ME, IT SUCKS. THAT'S WHY I'M HERE. 162 00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:34,673 WE'RE HERE TONIGHT SO JAMES CAN LIVE OUT 163 00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:37,008 ONE OF HIS UNFULFILLED SEXUAL FANTASIES: 164 00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:41,313 TO HAVE A ROOM FULL OF HIS FRIENDS SHIT ALL OVER HIM. 165 00:09:43,282 --> 00:09:48,520 FRANCO, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE ASLEEP. DID YOU JUST READ A JAMES FRANCO BOOK? 166 00:09:51,657 --> 00:09:53,224 HE'S HAD A GREAT CAREER. JUDD APATOW 167 00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:58,229 GAVE BOTH ME AND HIM OUR START ON THE SHOW "FREAKS AND GEEKS." 168 00:09:58,231 --> 00:10:00,231 UH... YEAH. 169 00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:02,901 IT'S TRUE. JUDD WAS ACTUALLY GONNA DIRECT THIS ROAST, 170 00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:07,505 BUT COMEDY CENTRAL DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE 40 MINUTES TOO LONG. 171 00:10:08,741 --> 00:10:10,875 JAMES BECAME FAMOUS FOR PLAYING JAMES DEAN, 172 00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:16,147 WHICH MAKES SENSE 'CAUSE THEY BOTH SUCKED SOME DICKS AND MADE THREE GOOD MOVIES. 173 00:10:21,153 --> 00:10:24,255 YOU ASKED US TO DO THIS, MAN. I DON'T KNOW WHY. 174 00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:27,592 TO PREPARE FOR HIS ROLE IN "127 HOURS," 175 00:10:27,594 --> 00:10:30,996 HE TOLD ME HE SPENT FIVE DAYS WITH HIS ARM INSIDE THE ROCK-- 176 00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:35,700 ACTUALLY HE GOES BY DWAYNE JOHNSON NOW. I KEEP FORGETTING THAT. 177 00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:40,338 HE'S THE LAST GUY I SHOULD BE MAKING JOKES ABOUT. 178 00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:43,174 HE'LL LITERALLY FUCKING KILL ME. 179 00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:45,910 LOOK AT ME DOING ALL THE TALKIN' WHILE YOU SIT THERE DOING NOTHING. 180 00:10:45,912 --> 00:10:49,347 I FEEL LIKE I'M CO-HOSTING THE OSCARS WITH YOU. 181 00:10:56,022 --> 00:10:57,756 SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT JAMES'S AWFUL 182 00:10:57,758 --> 00:11:02,160 AND BORDERLINE CONTEMPTUOUS PERFORMANCE AT THE OSCARS... 183 00:11:03,295 --> 00:11:05,964 IN THIS WORLD THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE JAMES FRANCO, 184 00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:07,966 'CAUSE IF THERE WERE TWO JAMES FRANCOS, 185 00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:11,836 THEY'D NEVER STOP BUTTFUCKING EACH OTHER. 186 00:11:13,639 --> 00:11:16,841 HOW 'BOUT WE BRING OUT OUR FIRST ROASTER, HUH? 187 00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:21,513 THERE WE GO. YOU PROBABLY KNOW HIM 188 00:11:21,515 --> 00:11:26,317 FROM HIS SMALL ROLES IN MOVIES LIKE "DATE NIGHT" AND "GET HIM TO THE GREEK," 189 00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:29,287 AND HIS STARRING ROLES IN NO MOVIES EVER. 190 00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:31,456 PLEASE WELCOME NICK KROLL. 191 00:11:40,132 --> 00:11:43,835 - ALL RIGHT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GIVE IT UP FOR SETH ROGEN. 192 00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:46,204 LET HIM HEAR IT. 193 00:11:47,907 --> 00:11:52,043 GOD, SETH ROGEN IS SO JEWISH... 194 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,679 - HOW JEWISH IS HE? 195 00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:58,983 - SETH ROGEN IS SO FUCKING JEWISH... 196 00:11:59,418 --> 00:12:03,221 ANYWAY, I'M EXCITED TO BE HERE TONIGHT. 197 00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:07,092 SETH, YOU'RE DOING A REALLY GOOD JOB UP THERE. 198 00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:09,561 IT'S NOT AN EASY JOB. NOW MANY OF YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW THIS, 199 00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:14,199 BUT SETH ROGEN HAS A WRITING AND DIRECTING PARTNER NAMED EVAN GOLDBERG. 200 00:12:15,768 --> 00:12:21,539 WHAT DOES THIS OTHER GUY LOOK LIKE THAT YOU'RE THE FACE OF THE OPERATION? 201 00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:29,013 I ASSUME HE'S LIKE A SWEATY ORTHODOX JEW 202 00:12:29,015 --> 00:12:32,317 EATING A PASTRAMI SANDWICH: "HEY, SETHY, 203 00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:34,886 YEAH, I ADDED NINE DICK JOKES ON PAGE FOUR. 204 00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:39,390 AND I WAS THINKING THAT THE GUYS ARE FRIENDS AND THEN THEY'RE NOT FRIENDS 205 00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:43,928 AND THEN AT THE END OF THE MOVIE THEY'RE FRIENDS AGAIN. 206 00:12:44,797 --> 00:12:48,833 AND ALSO THEY SHOULD SMOKE A LOT OF GANJA, SETHY." 207 00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:56,508 WE GOT A LOT OF JEWS ON STAGE HERE TONIGHT. 208 00:12:56,510 --> 00:12:58,877 YOU KNOW, PEOPLE SAY THAT JEWS CONTROL THE MEDIA. 209 00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:02,147 AND WE DO. AND YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE WE'RE REALLY GOOD AT IT. 210 00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:07,185 I'VE NEVER HEARD ANYONE SAY, "WHY ARE ALL THOSE BLACK DUDES IN THE N.B.A.?" 211 00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:10,054 BECAUSE THEY'RE BETTER AT DUNKING, JUST LIKE JEWS 212 00:13:10,056 --> 00:13:14,492 ARE BETTER AT WHATEVER JOKE MY JEW WRITERS COME UP WITH. 213 00:13:16,495 --> 00:13:20,231 LISA LAMPANELLI'S HERE! - ( scattered cheers ) 214 00:13:20,766 --> 00:13:24,636 - OH, I'M SORRY, THAT'S JEFF ROSS. 215 00:13:27,206 --> 00:13:29,774 ANDY SAMBERG IS HERE! 216 00:13:32,378 --> 00:13:37,615 OR AS I LIKE TO CALL HIM: BETTER-LOOKING MORE-SUCCESSFUL ME. 217 00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:40,518 JONAH HILL. YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GONNA TOUCH 218 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:44,489 ON YOUR WEIGHT TONIGHT, JONAH, BUT NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE ARE GONNA TALK ABOUT 219 00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:48,193 WHAT AN ASSHOLE YOU'VE BECOME. 220 00:13:51,463 --> 00:13:54,098 BUT WE'RE HERE TONIGHT TO CELEBRATE JAMES FRANCO, 221 00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:57,235 THE MAN WHO MADE THIS WHOLE EVENING POSSIBLE. 222 00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:59,037 JAMES ALWAYS HAS THAT LOOK OF, 223 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:02,941 "OH MAN, HOW DID THIS PERFECT AMOUNT OF FACIAL HAIR 224 00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:04,843 END UP ON MY FACE? 225 00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:07,378 YOU KNOW, I'M FROM PALO ALTO, FROM CALIFORNIA, 226 00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:12,750 YET NO ONE QUESTIONS WHY I TALK LIKE I'M FROM 1940s BROOKLYN." 227 00:14:16,622 --> 00:14:20,658 JAMES FRANCO IS TRULY OUR GENERATION'S JAMES DEAN. 228 00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:23,895 JAMES DEAN OF COURSE DIED AT THE TENDER AGE OF 24, 229 00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:25,530 SPARING HIMSELF THE EMBARRASSMENT 230 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:28,933 OF GETTING ROASTED BY A BUNCH OF JEALOUS JEW MONSTERS. 231 00:14:28,935 --> 00:14:33,905 JAMES, HONESTLY, WHAT HAPPENED WITH YOU AND ANNE HATHAWAY? 232 00:14:33,907 --> 00:14:35,106 DID YOU BONE HER OUT? 233 00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:36,641 YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE A GENTLEMAN, 234 00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:41,946 YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT. JUST SQUINT ONCE IF YES. 235 00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:49,554 QUICK REMINDER THAT IF AT ANY POINT TONIGHT 236 00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:54,759 JAMES FULLY OPENS HIS EYES, THERE WILL BE SIX MORE WEEKS OF SUMMER. 237 00:15:00,532 --> 00:15:04,302 BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, JAMES, I ADMIRE YOUR WORK ETHIC. 238 00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:07,438 I THINK YOU'RE... ( mumbles ) 239 00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:11,743 I'M JUST HERE TO GET SLIGHTLY MORE FAMOUS. 240 00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:15,046 AND REMEMBER, IF ANYONE HERE BOMBS TONIGHT, 241 00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:19,851 IT'S JUST 'CAUSE THEY'RE DOING AN IMPRESSION OF JAMES FRANCO AT THE OSCARS. 242 00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:24,422 THANK YOU, GUYS. ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR NIGHT. THAT'S IT. 243 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,669 - ALL RIGHT, I HAVE TO ADMIT 244 00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:39,938 I'M A LITTLE JEALOUS OF OUR NEXT ROASTER. 245 00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:43,608 HE'S GOTTEN TO WORK WITH GUYS LIKE QUENTIN TARANTINO, 246 00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,510 MARTIN SCORSESE, BRAD PITT. 247 00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:48,613 AND I'M STUCK DOING MOVIES WITH SELF-IMPORTANT ASSHOLES 248 00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,081 LIKE JONAH HILL. 249 00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:53,017 PLEASE WELCOME JONAH HILL. 250 00:15:53,019 --> 00:15:54,919 - ( applause ) 251 00:16:02,027 --> 00:16:04,696 - HI, GUYS, JAMES. 252 00:16:04,698 --> 00:16:06,030 HOW'S IT GOING? 253 00:16:06,032 --> 00:16:09,634 IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE HERE FOR MY BUDDY JAMES. 254 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:13,371 I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY THEY WOULD CHOOSE ME, THOUGH, 255 00:16:13,373 --> 00:16:15,206 BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING REALLY ANYONE 256 00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:17,408 CAN MAKE FUN OF ME FOR. 257 00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:18,643 I GUESS, 258 00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:20,411 THESE GUYS ARE GONNA MAKE FUN OF ME FOR SOMETHING. 259 00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:23,047 SO I JUST THINK I'M JUST GONNA BE NICE 260 00:16:23,049 --> 00:16:24,182 AND SAY WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THEM 261 00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:26,417 BECAUSE I REALLY LOVE ALL THESE PEOPLE UP HERE. 262 00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:29,954 UM, YOU KNOW, LIKE BILL HADER, GOOD FRIEND OF MINE. 263 00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:30,888 - ( applause ) - RIGHT? 264 00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:33,791 HE WAS BRILLIANT ON S.N.L. HE WAS BRILLIANT. 265 00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:35,493 AND WHEN HE LEFT THE SHOW THIS YEAR, 266 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,228 EVERY SINGLE PERSON WAS LIKE "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 267 00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:40,365 YOU'RE NEVER EVER GONNA WORK AGAIN LIKE EVER!" 268 00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:42,533 AND WHAT DOES MY MAN BILL DO? BOOM! 269 00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:45,937 HE GOES AHEAD AND BOOKS HIMSELF A T-MOBILE COMMERCIAL. 270 00:16:45,939 --> 00:16:49,140 - ( laughter, applause ) 271 00:16:52,611 --> 00:16:55,113 - WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, LORNE MICHAELS? 272 00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:57,548 MY MAN BILL IS. 273 00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:59,784 I MEAN, THIS GUY'S CASHING CHECKS 274 00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:04,622 FROM THE FOURTH LARGEST MOBILE PROVIDER IN THE NATION. 275 00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:06,457 - ( laughs ) 276 00:17:07,292 --> 00:17:08,393 - AND LOOK-- NO, LOOK, 277 00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:12,530 I RESPECT BILL BECAUSE SPRINT WAS COMING AFTER HIM HARD. 278 00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:16,167 BUT HE JUST HELD OUT FOR THAT FUCK YOU T-MOBILE MONEY. 279 00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:21,272 BILL'S AWESOME. ( chuckles ) 280 00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:23,641 I LOVE YOU, BILL. 281 00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:25,977 ANDY SAMBERG IS ANOTHER FRIEND OF MINE. 282 00:17:25,979 --> 00:17:27,912 I LOVE HIM. AND NOW THAT HE'S GOT HIS NEW TV SHOW, 283 00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:31,649 "BROOKLYN NINE-NINE," WHICH I'M ASSUMING IS ABOUT THIS BROOKLYN COP 284 00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:33,851 WHO TRIED TO MAKE IT IN THE MOVIE BUSINESS, 285 00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:36,387 BUT FAILED AND GOT SENT BACK TO TV. 286 00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:40,658 - YEAH. - MY ONLY QUESTION IS, 287 00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:42,927 ANDY, WHEN THE SHOW GETS CANCELED AFTER FIVE EPISODES, 288 00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:45,229 ARE YOU GONNA DO A DIFFERENT CELLPHONE COMMERCIAL 289 00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:47,565 OR ARE THEY GONNA TURN BILL'S INTO A TWO-HANDER 290 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,434 FOR BOTH OF YOU GUYS? 291 00:17:50,936 --> 00:17:52,770 ANDY'S AWESOME. 292 00:17:54,373 --> 00:17:57,408 SARAH SILVERMAN, SO AMAZING, 293 00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,210 SO BEAUTIFUL. 294 00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:00,711 I THINK YOU'RE GORGEOUS. 295 00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:01,679 AND I THINK IT'S CRAZY 296 00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:03,948 BECAUSE EVERYONE'S LIKE "SHE'S HOT FOR A COMIC." 297 00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:07,118 BUT I DON'T AGREE BECAUSE SHE'S NOT JUST HOT FOR A COMIC. 298 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,920 SHE'S HOT FOR SOMEONE HER AGE. 299 00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:10,922 - THAT'S RIGHT. 300 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,725 - SERIOUSLY, SARAH, YOU WERE MY FAVORITE COMIC AS A KID. 301 00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:17,295 - ( mouths ) - ( laughter ) 302 00:18:17,297 --> 00:18:20,264 - SARAH IS A ROLE MODEL FOR EVERY LITTLE GIRL OUT THERE. 303 00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:21,632 I MEAN EVERY LITTLE GIRL DREAMS 304 00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:24,469 OF BEING A 58-YEAR OLD, SINGLE, STAND-UP COMEDIAN 305 00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:27,638 WITH NO ROMANTIC PROSPECTS ON THE HORIZON. 306 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:31,609 THEY ALL DREAM OF IT, BUT SARAH DID IT. 307 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,411 - I'M LIVING IT. 308 00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:34,846 - AND PEOPLE SAY IT'S TOO LATE FOR SARAH 309 00:18:34,848 --> 00:18:37,548 TO BECOME SUCCESSFUL IN MOVIES AT HER AGE. 310 00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:39,851 I, AGAIN, DO NOT AGREE. 311 00:18:39,853 --> 00:18:40,885 IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE. 312 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:43,454 I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'RE ASKING YOU TO BEAR CHILDREN 313 00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,022 OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT... 314 00:18:45,024 --> 00:18:45,957 - ( laughter ) 315 00:18:45,959 --> 00:18:50,027 - 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T DO THAT. ( laughter ) 316 00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:51,796 - NOPE. 317 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,165 - AND THEN THERE'S JEFF ROSS 318 00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:57,835 WHO'S GONNA FUCKING KILL ME LATER. 319 00:18:57,837 --> 00:19:00,171 SO I FIGURED I SHOULD GO PRETTY HARD. 320 00:19:00,173 --> 00:19:02,974 - BRING IT. BRING IT. BRING IT. 321 00:19:02,976 --> 00:19:04,876 - I NEVER GAVE YOU THIS COMPLIMENT BEFORE, 322 00:19:04,878 --> 00:19:08,880 BUT YOU'RE ACTUALLY THE REASON I DECIDED TO BECOME SUCCESSFUL. 323 00:19:08,882 --> 00:19:11,182 I SAW WHAT YOU BECAME 324 00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:12,950 AND IT SCARED THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME. 325 00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:17,855 JEFF, YOU'RE LIKE THE GHOST OF ME AND SETH'S FUTURE 326 00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:18,623 IF WE NEVER MADE IT. 327 00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:23,227 YOU KNOW, JEFF, I ACTUALLY HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU. 328 00:19:23,229 --> 00:19:24,562 WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE, 329 00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:25,763 DO YOU JUST STRAIGHT UP LIE TO THEM 330 00:19:25,765 --> 00:19:27,598 AND SAY, "YEAH, I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS" 331 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,634 OR ARE YOU HONEST? 332 00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:31,502 'CAUSE I IMAGINE IT WOULD BE EASIER 333 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:34,639 JUST TO SAY LIKE "YEAH, I'M UNEMPLOYED," 334 00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:36,674 INSTEAD OF HAVING TO STRUGGLE AND EXPLAIN 335 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,476 LIKE, "YEAH, I'M ON TV ONCE A YEAR. 336 00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:41,379 IT'S LIKE THIS THING WHERE FAMOUS PEOPLE COME IN 337 00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:42,747 AND I'M PART OF IT, KIND OF. 338 00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:45,583 LIKE I MAKE FUN OF THEM, BUT THEN THEY LEAVE 339 00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:46,384 AND GO ON TO THEIR CAREERS 340 00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:49,353 AND I JUST KIND OF STAY AND CLEAN EVERYTHING UP." 341 00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:55,259 BUT SERIOUSLY, GUYS, CAN YOU PLEASE PICK UP AFTER YOURSELVES? 342 00:19:55,261 --> 00:19:58,229 IT'S GONNA MAKE JEFF'S LIFE A LOT EASIER. 343 00:19:58,231 --> 00:19:59,463 THANK YOU. 344 00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:02,733 JEFF'S AWESOME, YOU GUYS. 345 00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:04,235 ( chuckles ) 346 00:20:04,237 --> 00:20:09,073 AZIZ, NATASHA, NICK KROLL, I'M ASSUMING YOU GUYS 347 00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:12,009 ARE JAMES'S FRIENDS FROM HIGH SCHOOL. 348 00:20:12,011 --> 00:20:13,945 BUT I THINK THAT IS SO DOPE 349 00:20:13,947 --> 00:20:15,279 THAT YOU GUYS ARE WILLING TO GET UP HERE 350 00:20:15,281 --> 00:20:19,050 EVEN THOUGH NO ONE KNOWS WHO THE FUCK YOU GUYS ARE. 351 00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:21,619 OKAY, THAT WAS A JOKE. 352 00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:22,820 I KNOW WHO YOU GUYS ARE. 353 00:20:22,822 --> 00:20:25,690 BUT, GENUINELY, AZIZ HATES THIS JOKE 354 00:20:25,692 --> 00:20:27,792 BECAUSE ALL AZIZ WANTS IS TO BE FAMOUS. 355 00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:30,294 I MEAN, HE'S FAMOUS IN LIKE SILVER LAKE. 356 00:20:30,296 --> 00:20:32,697 BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT, RIGHT? 357 00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:33,331 - ( laughter ) 358 00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:36,334 - NICK AND NATASHA, HOW MUCH DOES IT BUM YOU GUYS OUT 359 00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:38,469 THAT EVEN BEING ASSOCIATED WITH YOU TWO 360 00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:42,106 IS LITERALLY KILLING AZIZ RIGHT NOW. 361 00:20:42,108 --> 00:20:43,674 THAT'S FUCKED UP. 362 00:20:46,345 --> 00:20:48,112 CAN WE TALK ABOUT MY BUDDY SETH ROGEN? 363 00:20:48,114 --> 00:20:50,715 COME ON. - ( applause ) 364 00:20:50,717 --> 00:20:52,416 - I ADORE THIS GUY. 365 00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:53,884 I FUCKING ADORE THIS GUY. 366 00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:57,255 HE'S A GREAT WRITER, A GREAT FRIEND. 367 00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:58,522 AND WE CAN'T TALK ABOUT SETH 368 00:20:58,524 --> 00:21:00,691 WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT "THE GREEN HORNET." 369 00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:02,393 WE JUST CAN'T, RIGHT? 370 00:21:02,395 --> 00:21:04,629 BECAUSE EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD IS LIKE 371 00:21:04,631 --> 00:21:07,331 "'THE GREEN HORNET' LOST SO MUCH MONEY." 372 00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:10,801 BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE. IT DIDN'T LOSE THAT MUCH MONEY. 373 00:21:10,803 --> 00:21:13,037 I MEAN EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE WORLD 374 00:21:13,039 --> 00:21:14,338 FUCKING HATED IT, 375 00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:16,741 BUT IT DIDN'T LOSE THAT MUCH MONEY. 376 00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:18,309 AND THAT'S THE GOAL AFTER ALL, RIGHT? 377 00:21:18,311 --> 00:21:22,313 TO MAKE TERRIBLE MOVIES THAT DON'T LOSE THAT MUCH MONEY. 378 00:21:22,315 --> 00:21:25,216 - ( applause, laughter ) 379 00:21:25,218 --> 00:21:27,652 - SETH'S FUCKING AWESOME. UM... 380 00:21:27,654 --> 00:21:29,387 NOW, JAMES, THE MAIN COURSE. 381 00:21:29,389 --> 00:21:31,155 THE FEAST DE RESISTANCE. 382 00:21:31,723 --> 00:21:34,158 JAMES LOVES EDUCATION. 383 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:35,760 HE'S ALWAYS GOING TO SCHOOL. 384 00:21:35,762 --> 00:21:36,927 DID YOU KNOW THAT HE EVEN WENT TO YALE? 385 00:21:36,929 --> 00:21:40,598 OKAY, LOOK, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. 386 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,033 AND IT'S NOT TRUE. 387 00:21:42,035 --> 00:21:45,102 HE GOT INTO YALE JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. 388 00:21:45,104 --> 00:21:46,937 HE GOT REALLY, REALLY FAMOUS 389 00:21:46,939 --> 00:21:49,674 AND JUST KIND OF ASKED A PERSON FROM YALE 390 00:21:49,676 --> 00:21:51,309 IF HE COULD GO THERE, 391 00:21:51,311 --> 00:21:53,577 JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. 392 00:21:55,213 --> 00:21:57,048 AND EVERYONE IS GONNA MAKE FUN OF JAMES 393 00:21:57,050 --> 00:21:58,749 FOR THE OSCARS. IT'S OBVIOUS. 394 00:21:58,751 --> 00:22:01,018 EVERYONE WAS SAYING, "JAMES WAS DEAD UP THERE." 395 00:22:01,020 --> 00:22:03,354 BUT I THINK THAT WAS ANNE HATHAWAY'S FAULT. 396 00:22:03,356 --> 00:22:07,091 I MEAN, FUCK HER FOR TRYING, LIKE AT ALL. 397 00:22:07,893 --> 00:22:09,627 HOW DARE SHE 398 00:22:09,629 --> 00:22:10,761 ATTEMPT IN SOME WAY 399 00:22:10,763 --> 00:22:12,697 TO ENTERTAIN THE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE 400 00:22:12,699 --> 00:22:16,000 TRYING TO ESCAPE THEIR LIVES FOR A FEW HOURS. 401 00:22:16,568 --> 00:22:18,936 I COMMEND YOU, JAMES. 402 00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:21,439 YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS HEAR 403 00:22:21,441 --> 00:22:23,808 GEORGE CLOONEY AND OTHER BIG MOVIE STARS SAYING 404 00:22:23,810 --> 00:22:25,976 "MY PHILOSOPHY ON MAKING MOVIES IS 405 00:22:25,978 --> 00:22:28,846 ONE FOR THEM AND ONE FOR ME." 406 00:22:28,848 --> 00:22:31,115 BUT NOT MY GUY JAMES. 407 00:22:31,117 --> 00:22:33,384 NOT MY BOY JAMES! 408 00:22:33,386 --> 00:22:35,286 JAMES IS A REBEL. 409 00:22:35,288 --> 00:22:37,388 HE HAS HIS OWN PHILOSOPHY ON THIS. 410 00:22:37,390 --> 00:22:40,958 "ONE FOR THEM, FIVE FOR NOBODY." 411 00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:48,799 ( chuckling ) OKAY. 412 00:22:48,801 --> 00:22:50,534 ALL JOKES ASIDE, 413 00:22:50,536 --> 00:22:54,438 JAMES, YOU ARE THE WEIRDEST FUCKING PERSON 414 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,441 ANYONE HAS EVER MET IN THEIR ENTIRE LIFE. 415 00:22:57,443 --> 00:22:59,076 I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR 10 YEARS 416 00:22:59,078 --> 00:23:02,713 AND I'M STILL PRETTY SURE I'VE NEVER MET YOU BEFORE. 417 00:23:03,749 --> 00:23:06,984 BUT FOR SOME REASON, I FUCKING, I LOVE YOU, DUDE, SO... 418 00:23:21,466 --> 00:23:24,001 - OUR NEXT ROASTER WAS #29 419 00:23:24,003 --> 00:23:28,406 ON "MAXIM"'S HOT 100 IN THE YEAR 2007. 420 00:23:29,274 --> 00:23:32,176 PLEASE WELCOME SARAH SILVERMAN. 421 00:23:38,450 --> 00:23:40,484 THANK YOU. SO HOW ABOUT A HAND 422 00:23:40,486 --> 00:23:44,255 FOR OUR HOST FOR TONIGHT, SETH ROGEN? 423 00:23:46,158 --> 00:23:48,492 ISN'T HE ROUND? 424 00:23:48,494 --> 00:23:49,927 I CAN'T TELL IF THIS IS THE DAIS 425 00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:53,464 OR THE LINE TO SUCK JUDD APATOW'S BALLS. 426 00:23:53,466 --> 00:23:55,633 IT'S SO JEWY. 427 00:23:55,635 --> 00:24:00,337 WHAT IS THIS, "THE COMEDY CENTRAL AUDIT OF JAMES FRANCO"? 428 00:24:04,576 --> 00:24:06,110 I SAW THE MOVIE "THE GUILT TRIP." 429 00:24:06,112 --> 00:24:09,413 SETH, WHAT WAS IT LIKE WORKING WITH BARBRA STREISAND? 430 00:24:09,415 --> 00:24:12,950 AND HOW DID YOU TWO TELL EACH OTHER APART? 431 00:24:12,952 --> 00:24:17,922 LIKE, DID ONE OF YOU WEAR A CARNATION OR... 432 00:24:17,924 --> 00:24:20,291 WAS IT SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 433 00:24:21,193 --> 00:24:21,959 SETH'S PARENTS-- 434 00:24:21,961 --> 00:24:24,862 UH, SETH'S PARENTS ACTUALLY MET AT A KIBBUTZ. 435 00:24:24,864 --> 00:24:26,964 IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A KIBBUTZ IS, 436 00:24:26,966 --> 00:24:28,933 IT'S A COMMUNITY IN ISRAEL 437 00:24:28,935 --> 00:24:32,670 WHERE APPARENTLY THEY DON'T ALLOW ABORTIONS. 438 00:24:36,374 --> 00:24:40,578 RIGHT BEFORE THE SHOW STARTED SETH ROLLED A GIGANTIC FATTY, 439 00:24:40,580 --> 00:24:41,912 BECAUSE THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY 440 00:24:41,914 --> 00:24:44,815 WE COULD GET JONAH HILL ONTO THE STAGE. 441 00:24:53,558 --> 00:24:55,593 JAMES, I LOVED "SPRING BREAKERS." 442 00:24:55,595 --> 00:24:58,262 "SPRING BREAKER" IS ACTUALLY THE NICKNAME 443 00:24:58,264 --> 00:25:01,799 WE GAVE JEFF ROSS WHEN HE SITS ON A BED. 444 00:25:06,004 --> 00:25:08,572 JAMES RECENTLY WON THE ALLY AWARD 445 00:25:08,574 --> 00:25:11,175 FOR HIS SUPPORT OF THE L.G.B.T. COMMUNITY. 446 00:25:11,177 --> 00:25:14,445 IT'S A PRESTIGIOUS AWARD THAT IS GIVEN ANALLY-- 447 00:25:14,447 --> 00:25:19,416 ANNUALLY! IT'S GIVEN ANNUALLY. 448 00:25:20,252 --> 00:25:24,188 JONAH HILL IS HERE. I LOVE JONAH. 449 00:25:25,023 --> 00:25:26,690 JONAH IS SUCH A JEWY DICK, 450 00:25:26,692 --> 00:25:31,395 YOU HAVE TO WATCH HIS MOVIES THROUGH A HOLE IN A SHEET. 451 00:25:36,401 --> 00:25:39,937 JONAH ACTUALLY GAINED 50 LBS FOR HIS ROLE 452 00:25:39,939 --> 00:25:41,238 IN THE NEW MARTIN SCORSESE FILM, 453 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:46,310 BECAUSE THE PRODUCERS WANTED THE CHARACTER TO BE A "JONAH HILL TYPE." 454 00:25:48,313 --> 00:25:50,114 BUT HE SLIMMED DOWN A LOT LAST YEAR. 455 00:25:50,116 --> 00:25:56,487 BUT WHAT JONAH LOST IN WEIGHT, HE GAINED IN WEIGHT. 456 00:25:56,988 --> 00:25:59,890 JONAH, ON A SCALE FROM ONE TO 10, 457 00:25:59,892 --> 00:26:02,426 DO YOU OWN A SCALE? 458 00:26:07,499 --> 00:26:08,866 BUT SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE HAD 459 00:26:08,868 --> 00:26:12,836 SUCH A BODY TRANSFORMATION IN THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS. 460 00:26:12,838 --> 00:26:15,239 YOU HAVE COME A LONG WAY FROM JUST BEING 461 00:26:15,241 --> 00:26:17,608 SONNY AND CHER'S DAUGHTER. 462 00:26:26,184 --> 00:26:28,118 IT'S DONE? 463 00:26:30,221 --> 00:26:31,889 HI, BILL HADER. 464 00:26:31,891 --> 00:26:33,223 I HATE MAKING FUN OF BILL. 465 00:26:33,225 --> 00:26:34,124 HE'S SO SWEET AND GENTLE 466 00:26:34,126 --> 00:26:39,296 AND I USED TO DATE HIS BROTHER, JEW HATER. BUT... 467 00:26:39,298 --> 00:26:43,100 NATASHA LEGGERO, EVERYBODY. 468 00:26:43,102 --> 00:26:46,704 I LOVE NATASHA SO MUCH. 469 00:26:46,706 --> 00:26:49,974 THIS IS NATASHA'S FIRST ROAST, YOU GUYS. 470 00:26:49,976 --> 00:26:51,141 SHE'S LIKE A LITTLE CHIHUAHUA, 471 00:26:51,143 --> 00:26:53,811 'CAUSE SHE'S TEENY TINY AND SHE'S FEISTY, 472 00:26:53,813 --> 00:26:56,947 AND SHE'S FILLED WITH MEXICAN D.N.A. 473 00:26:59,484 --> 00:27:03,354 JUST TO BE CLEAR, WHEN I SAY "FILLED WITH MEXICAN D.N.A.," 474 00:27:03,356 --> 00:27:09,126 I MEAN, SHE'S FILLED WITH THE CUM OF MEXICAN PEOPLE. 475 00:27:11,196 --> 00:27:14,765 LIKE, FROM TONS OF MEXICAN GENTLEMEN 476 00:27:14,767 --> 00:27:18,168 CUMMING INSIDE HER VAST VAGINA. 477 00:27:18,170 --> 00:27:20,137 AND ALSO FROM HER GUZZLING CUM. 478 00:27:20,139 --> 00:27:24,441 I JUST DIDN'T WANT THERE TO BE A MISUNDERSTANDING. 479 00:27:25,076 --> 00:27:30,214 SPEAKING OF BROWNISH PEOPLE, AZIZ ANSARI IS HERE. 480 00:27:30,548 --> 00:27:34,451 I HAVE BEEN A HUGE SUPPORTER OF AZIZ FOR YEARS, 481 00:27:34,453 --> 00:27:38,589 AND FOR ONLY THE PRICE OF A CUP OF COFFEE. 482 00:27:42,661 --> 00:27:44,628 BY THE WAY, AZIZ CAN'T STAY ALL NIGHT. 483 00:27:44,630 --> 00:27:47,297 HE'S GOTTA GET BACK IN THE CUPBOARD. 484 00:27:47,299 --> 00:27:48,632 WHEN... 485 00:27:54,239 --> 00:27:57,241 BUT TONIGHT IS ABOUT OUR MAN OF THE HOUR, 486 00:27:57,243 --> 00:28:02,379 MR. JAMES EDWARD FRANCO, SITTING TO MY RIGHT. 487 00:28:04,282 --> 00:28:06,850 JAMES IS OPENLY A VERY SEXUAL PERSON. 488 00:28:06,852 --> 00:28:10,654 I DON'T THINK JAMES IS NECESSARILY GAY OR STRAIGHT, 489 00:28:10,656 --> 00:28:12,856 I THINK HE JUST-- HE LITERALLY CAN'T 490 00:28:12,858 --> 00:28:16,360 OPEN HIS EYES ENOUGH TO SEE WHO HE'S FUCKING. 491 00:28:20,498 --> 00:28:24,768 JAMES DID A MOVIE CALLED "INTERIOR. LEATHER BAR." 492 00:28:24,770 --> 00:28:26,837 IT'S ABOUT GAY PORNOGRAPHY. 493 00:28:26,839 --> 00:28:28,338 HE WAS INSPIRED AFTER HE ATE 494 00:28:28,340 --> 00:28:32,242 A GIANT BAG OF DICKS HOSTING THE OSCARS. 495 00:28:35,180 --> 00:28:37,214 ROBERT DE NIRO, 496 00:28:37,216 --> 00:28:41,351 SEAN PENN, JULIA ROBERTS-- 497 00:28:41,353 --> 00:28:42,453 THESE ARE JUST SOME 498 00:28:42,455 --> 00:28:44,922 OF THE HUGE STARS JAMES HAS WORKED WITH 499 00:28:44,924 --> 00:28:47,257 WHO DIDN'T WANNA BE HERE TONIGHT. 500 00:28:48,159 --> 00:28:52,329 BUT YOU LANDED ME AND I'M SO LUCKY FOR THAT. 501 00:28:52,331 --> 00:28:54,932 CONGRATULATIONS, DOLL. 502 00:29:04,509 --> 00:29:08,245 - WE ARE VERY EXCITED AND I'M JUST GONNA SAY IT-- 503 00:29:08,247 --> 00:29:10,481 HONORED TO INTRODUCE OUR NEXT ROASTER. 504 00:29:10,483 --> 00:29:12,516 HE'S RESPONSIBLE NOT JUST FOR MY CAREER, 505 00:29:12,518 --> 00:29:16,787 BUT FOR EVERY SINGLE PERSON'S CAREER IN THIS ENTIRE ROOM. 506 00:29:16,789 --> 00:29:18,922 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME 507 00:29:18,924 --> 00:29:21,625 THE PRESIDENT OF HOLLYWOOD. 508 00:29:33,271 --> 00:29:35,305 - HELLO, EVERYBODY. 509 00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:38,342 HELLO, HELLO, EVERYBODY. 510 00:29:38,710 --> 00:29:42,813 BEFORE I START I JUST WANT TO SAY TO EVERYONE UP HERE... 511 00:29:43,848 --> 00:29:45,149 YOU'RE WELCOME. 512 00:29:45,151 --> 00:29:46,850 IN NO OTHER PLACE BUT HOLLYWOOD 513 00:29:46,852 --> 00:29:49,520 COULD THESE 10 PEOPLE MAKE THE KIND OF MONEY THEY MAKE 514 00:29:49,522 --> 00:29:52,790 AND SLEEP WITH THE KIND OF PEOPLE THEY SLEEP WITH. 515 00:29:52,792 --> 00:29:57,761 AND SO AGAIN I SAY... YOU'RE WELCOME. 516 00:29:58,630 --> 00:30:00,264 SETH ROGEN. 517 00:30:00,632 --> 00:30:03,700 YOU'RE WELCOME, YOU HAIRY CANUCK. 518 00:30:05,603 --> 00:30:06,370 YOU ARE WELCOME. 519 00:30:06,372 --> 00:30:10,808 I, HOLLYWOOD, MADE THE WORLD ACCEPT YOU. 520 00:30:11,276 --> 00:30:12,543 I PUT YOU ON A MOVIE POSTER 521 00:30:12,545 --> 00:30:15,379 AND I SAID, "DEAL WITH IT." 522 00:30:16,714 --> 00:30:19,116 AND THEN I PUT BARBRA STREISAND ON THAT POSTER 523 00:30:19,118 --> 00:30:21,819 AND THE WORLD SAID, "NO!" 524 00:30:23,054 --> 00:30:24,688 "THE GUILT TRIP"! 525 00:30:25,557 --> 00:30:26,723 LISTEN, IF I WANTED TO WATCH 526 00:30:26,725 --> 00:30:28,826 TWO UGLY JEWS WEAVING THROUGH TRAFFIC, 527 00:30:28,828 --> 00:30:32,696 I'D WATCH SEINFELD'S WEB SERIES. 528 00:30:37,902 --> 00:30:41,605 AND, JONAH, I'M ASSUMING YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE SETH IS? 529 00:30:42,307 --> 00:30:44,341 PEOPLE CALL ME ALL THE TIME AND THEY SAY, 530 00:30:44,343 --> 00:30:49,680 "HOLLYWOOD, DO WE REALLY NEED TWO OF THESE GUYS?" 531 00:30:50,315 --> 00:30:51,815 BUT I OWN YOU, JONAH. 532 00:30:51,817 --> 00:30:53,317 I FUCKIN' OWN YOU. 533 00:30:53,319 --> 00:30:56,153 IF I TRIED TO BUY YOU ON iTUNES, IT WOULD SAY, 534 00:30:56,155 --> 00:30:57,921 "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO PURCHASE? 535 00:30:57,923 --> 00:31:00,324 BECAUSE YOU ALREADY OWN THIS FUCK." 536 00:31:04,095 --> 00:31:07,598 ANDY SAMBERG. 537 00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:12,069 THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION... 538 00:31:12,737 --> 00:31:14,137 ( heavily accented ) 539 00:31:14,139 --> 00:31:18,709 LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR NEW SHOW, "BROOKLYN NINE-NINE." 540 00:31:18,711 --> 00:31:21,111 FUNNY COPS. 541 00:31:21,813 --> 00:31:24,948 YOU'RE ALWAYS PUSHING THE ENVELOPE, ANDY. 542 00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:30,554 WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN WHEN YOU RUN OUT 543 00:31:30,556 --> 00:31:33,824 OF FUNNY CRIMES LIKE GRAFFITI AND PICKPOCKETS? 544 00:31:33,826 --> 00:31:35,626 CAN'T WAIT TO SEE EPISODE 10 545 00:31:35,628 --> 00:31:38,028 WHEN "BROOKLYN NINE-NINE" HAS TO DEAL WITH A RAPE. 546 00:31:38,030 --> 00:31:41,431 ( mockingly ) "OH, I DROPPED THE RAPE KIT?! 547 00:31:41,433 --> 00:31:43,667 SHMORGY-DORG!" 548 00:31:45,737 --> 00:31:47,604 YEAH, THAT'S GONNA BE FUN. 549 00:31:50,241 --> 00:31:52,542 AZIZ, YOU'RE WELCOME. 550 00:31:52,544 --> 00:31:55,212 AZIZ, I ADMIRE HOW YOU'VE NEVER TAKEN 551 00:31:55,214 --> 00:31:57,781 THE STEREOTYPICAL INDIAN ROLES. 552 00:31:57,783 --> 00:32:00,350 AND I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU THAT IF YOU DID, 553 00:32:00,352 --> 00:32:03,387 YOU WOULD MAKE SO MUCH MORE MONEY. 554 00:32:03,855 --> 00:32:06,023 IF YOU CAME OUT HERE RIGHT NOW WITH CROSSED EYES 555 00:32:06,025 --> 00:32:09,626 PLAYING A SITAR, I WOULD FALL ON MY ASS LAUGHING. 556 00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:15,766 BUT STILL, WHAT AN ACTOR. 557 00:32:15,768 --> 00:32:19,636 SUCH PHENOMENAL RANGE. 558 00:32:20,705 --> 00:32:24,942 YOU'RE LIKE THE DANIEL DAY-LEWIS OF ONLY DOING ONE THING. 559 00:32:27,845 --> 00:32:29,846 JEFF ROSS! HI, I'M HOLLYWOOD. 560 00:32:29,848 --> 00:32:31,848 WE HAVEN'T MET BEFORE. 561 00:32:32,450 --> 00:32:35,052 - NICE TO MEET YOU. NICE TO MEET YOU. 562 00:32:35,553 --> 00:32:39,089 - UH UH UH, SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO DO ANYTHING YET. 563 00:32:39,091 --> 00:32:41,391 LIKE ENTERPRISE RENTAL CAR ON CHRISTMAS DAY, 564 00:32:41,393 --> 00:32:44,328 I DO NOT HAVE A VEHICLE FOR YOU. 565 00:32:45,330 --> 00:32:46,930 JEFFREY? DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING? 566 00:32:46,932 --> 00:32:48,165 - YEAH, I HEAR YOU. - JEFF DOESN'T GET IT. 567 00:32:48,167 --> 00:32:50,767 NO, I GOTTA SPEAK TO JEFF NOW IN HIS NATIVE LANGUAGE. 568 00:32:50,769 --> 00:32:52,069 EXCUSE ME, EVERYBODY. 569 00:32:52,071 --> 00:32:55,072 ( mimicking Jabba the Hutt ) OH-OH-OH-OH! 570 00:32:55,074 --> 00:32:57,474 ( speaking Huttese ) 571 00:33:01,746 --> 00:33:03,080 ...WOOKIE. 572 00:33:10,154 --> 00:33:13,156 HEY, WHERE'S BILL HADER? HUH? WHERE'S THAT GUY? 573 00:33:13,158 --> 00:33:16,259 I LOVED HIS ORIGINAL CHARACTERS ON S.N.L. 574 00:33:16,261 --> 00:33:18,228 STEFON, A GAY GUY! 575 00:33:18,230 --> 00:33:20,630 OOOH, HOW ORIGINAL! 576 00:33:20,632 --> 00:33:24,601 WHAT'S NEXT, AN OLD JEW IN A TRACK SUIT? 577 00:33:29,574 --> 00:33:31,041 BUT BILL'S OKAY IN THE MOVIES 578 00:33:31,043 --> 00:33:33,477 IF YOU NEED A BEST FRIEND'S BEST FRIEND 579 00:33:33,479 --> 00:33:36,446 TO ASK AN EXPOSITION QUESTION. 580 00:33:36,814 --> 00:33:39,583 "SO, YOU'RE GONNA FOLLOW HER TO HAWAII?" 581 00:33:39,585 --> 00:33:43,086 "YES, BILL. NOW FUCK OFF FOR THE REST OF THE MOVIE." 582 00:33:47,392 --> 00:33:49,893 AND NOW I COME TO YOU, JAMES FRANCO. 583 00:33:49,895 --> 00:33:50,727 YOU'RE WELCOME. 584 00:33:50,729 --> 00:33:55,932 AND NO ONE CAN ARGUE WITH YOUR INTEGRITY AS AN ACTOR. 585 00:33:55,934 --> 00:33:58,101 FROM JERKING OFF NEXT TO A BOULDER 586 00:33:58,103 --> 00:33:59,236 TO SUCKING A GUN LIKE A DICK, 587 00:33:59,238 --> 00:34:03,106 YOU ARE TRULY THE JIMMY STEWART OF TODAY. 588 00:34:04,008 --> 00:34:06,877 BUT I KNOW IT HASN'T ALWAYS BEEN EASY FOR YOU, JAMES. 589 00:34:06,879 --> 00:34:10,380 YOU OVERCAME A CRIPPLING CHILDHOOD AFFLICTION 590 00:34:10,382 --> 00:34:12,883 KNOWN AS DUMB FACE. 591 00:34:18,589 --> 00:34:21,124 BUT YOU NEVER LET THAT INTERFERE WITH YOUR DREAM 592 00:34:21,126 --> 00:34:23,160 OF MAKING DOG-SHIT MOVIES... 593 00:34:23,162 --> 00:34:26,163 AND EXPLICITLY GAY GUCCI ADS. 594 00:34:26,931 --> 00:34:28,131 AND THE OSCARS. THE OSCARS. 595 00:34:28,133 --> 00:34:30,634 LOOK, I DON'T EVEN WATCH THE OSCARS ANYMORE, 596 00:34:30,636 --> 00:34:31,601 BUT EVERYONE WAS CALLING ME. 597 00:34:31,603 --> 00:34:34,237 "THE KID IS MAKING A MOCKERY OF YOUR NIGHT." 598 00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:36,006 BUT YOU DID THE IMPOSSIBLE: 599 00:34:36,008 --> 00:34:38,975 YOU MADE ME LIKE ANNE HATHAWAY. 600 00:34:38,977 --> 00:34:43,146 I MADE SURE SHE WON EVERY SINGLE FUCKING AWARD 601 00:34:43,148 --> 00:34:46,183 FOR THAT "LES MIS" THEATER-CAMP BULLSHIT 602 00:34:46,185 --> 00:34:49,686 BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU PUT HER THROUGH, YOU LAZY DICK! 603 00:34:51,355 --> 00:34:52,823 BUT THINGS ARE LOOKING UP. YEAH, YEAH. 604 00:34:52,825 --> 00:34:55,292 YOUR UPCOMING FILM THAT YOU WROTE AND DIRECTED 605 00:34:55,294 --> 00:34:59,796 IS AN ADAPTATION OF WILLIAM FAULKNER'S "AS I LAY DYING." 606 00:34:59,798 --> 00:35:01,765 - ( cheering ) - OH. 607 00:35:01,767 --> 00:35:05,569 THEY GOT THE FAULKNER CROWD IN HERE. 608 00:35:06,604 --> 00:35:08,405 WELL, I'M VERY EXCITED FOR THAT, JAMES. 609 00:35:08,407 --> 00:35:10,740 AND I MUST SAY, YOU KNOW, IF YOU... 610 00:35:10,742 --> 00:35:13,009 ( snoring ) 611 00:35:19,016 --> 00:35:21,251 IT'S GONNA SUCK, JAMES. 612 00:35:22,353 --> 00:35:26,156 I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU. I'M REALLY FUCKIN' WORRIED ABOUT YOU. 613 00:35:26,158 --> 00:35:28,959 YOU KNOW HOW WHEN PEOPLE TALK ABOUT JOHN WILKES BOOTH, 614 00:35:28,961 --> 00:35:32,796 THEY GO, "YOU KNOW, HE USED TO BE AN ACTOR." 615 00:35:33,898 --> 00:35:37,134 I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE GOING DOWN THAT ROAD! 616 00:35:37,136 --> 00:35:40,971 YOU'RE GONNA START A FOREST FIRE THAT KILLS 20 PEOPLE 617 00:35:40,973 --> 00:35:44,574 WHILE MAKING AN EXPERIMENTAL VINE VIDEO. 618 00:35:45,776 --> 00:35:47,344 AND FROM THEN ON PEOPLE ARE GONNA SAY, 619 00:35:47,346 --> 00:35:49,446 "YOU KNOW, THAT FUCKING PSYCHO USED TO ACT." 620 00:35:49,448 --> 00:35:51,414 I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. 621 00:35:51,416 --> 00:35:53,517 I GAVE YOU A CHANCE TO BE A MOVIE STAR, 622 00:35:53,519 --> 00:35:55,585 MAKE MONEY, HANG OUT WITH THE SPIDER GUY. 623 00:35:55,587 --> 00:35:57,521 AND YOU SAID, "NAW, I WANNA BE AN ARTIST." 624 00:35:57,523 --> 00:36:01,925 WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I TOLD RICHARD GRIECO 20 YEARS AGO... 625 00:36:02,727 --> 00:36:05,529 "PLAY BALL, YOU SQUINTY FUCK... 626 00:36:06,197 --> 00:36:08,365 OR YOU WILL DISAPPEAR!" 627 00:36:08,367 --> 00:36:11,201 AND POOF! HE'S GONE! 628 00:36:11,203 --> 00:36:12,369 AND YOU'RE NEXT, FRANCO! 629 00:36:12,371 --> 00:36:15,906 SO WHAT I NEED FROM YOU, JAMES, ARE HITS, 630 00:36:15,908 --> 00:36:19,242 LIKE WHEN YOU PLAYED THE BAD GUY IN "21 JUMP STREET." 631 00:36:19,244 --> 00:36:20,343 OH WAIT, THAT WASN'T YOU. 632 00:36:20,345 --> 00:36:24,414 THAT WAS YOUR LESS-RETARDED YOUNGER BROTHER DAVE! 633 00:36:26,784 --> 00:36:28,418 DAVE. 634 00:36:30,655 --> 00:36:34,591 THAT SOUNDS LIKE A MADE-UP BROTHER NAME: DAVE. 635 00:36:35,626 --> 00:36:37,227 "HEY, JAMES FRANCO'S GOT A BROTHER." 636 00:36:37,229 --> 00:36:39,996 "WHAT'S HIS NAME, DAVE FRANCO?" 637 00:36:44,068 --> 00:36:47,103 IN CLOSING: GIVE ME HITS, DROP THE ARTIST SHIT, 638 00:36:47,105 --> 00:36:49,806 AND TAKE YOUR MONEY AND FUCK OFF. 639 00:36:49,808 --> 00:36:50,941 I HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR ROAST. 640 00:36:50,943 --> 00:36:53,276 I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOUR SHITTY DOCUMENTARY ABOUT IT. 641 00:36:53,278 --> 00:36:55,645 GOOD NIGHT. YOU'RE WELCOME. COME HERE. 642 00:37:04,789 --> 00:37:09,092 - I AM VERY EXCITED TO HEAR WHAT OUR NEXT ROASTER'S VOICE 643 00:37:09,094 --> 00:37:12,028 SOUNDS LIKE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. 644 00:37:12,030 --> 00:37:15,165 PLEASE WELCOME NATASHA LEGGERO. 645 00:37:19,937 --> 00:37:21,638 - THANKS, "HONEY JEW-JEW." 646 00:37:21,640 --> 00:37:24,541 LOOK AT THIS DAIS: JONAH HILL, 647 00:37:24,543 --> 00:37:26,409 SETH ROGEN, JEFF ROSS, 648 00:37:26,411 --> 00:37:28,044 ANDY SAMBERG, NICK KROLL. 649 00:37:28,046 --> 00:37:31,514 I FEEL LIKE THE HOT COUNSELOR AT HEBREW CAMP. 650 00:37:32,950 --> 00:37:35,518 THE ROOM IS BUZZING TONIGHT, 651 00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:40,490 AND NOT JUST FROM THE FLIES AROUND AZIZ'S RELATIVES. 652 00:37:45,029 --> 00:37:48,932 JONAH HILL, I LOVED YOU AS A BASEBALL ANALYST IN "MONEYBALL," 653 00:37:48,934 --> 00:37:52,435 AND I LOVE YOU AS ROSIE O'DONNELL IN REAL LIFE. 654 00:37:56,107 --> 00:37:58,908 JONAH WAS BORN AND RAISED IN HOLLYWOOD, 655 00:37:58,910 --> 00:38:01,077 AND YOU CAN TELL. HE'S A NAME-DROPPER 656 00:38:01,079 --> 00:38:04,814 WITH BIG TITS AND AN EATING DISORDER. 657 00:38:07,785 --> 00:38:10,954 - THAT'S A FUCKING GREAT JOKE. 658 00:38:12,556 --> 00:38:16,393 - ANDY SAMBERG. HI, HOW ARE YOU? 659 00:38:16,395 --> 00:38:19,963 ANDY'S COMEDY GROUP IS CALLED THE LONELY ISLAND, 660 00:38:19,965 --> 00:38:23,533 WHICH IS HOW EACH OF HIS TEETH FEEL. 661 00:38:26,871 --> 00:38:29,172 - I GOT 'EM FIXED. - ANDY, I'M LOOKING FORWARD 662 00:38:29,174 --> 00:38:32,042 TO THE SAD ACOUSTIC VERSION OF "DICK IN A BOX" 663 00:38:32,044 --> 00:38:35,645 AT LORNE MICHAEL'S OPEN-CASKET FUNERAL. 664 00:38:35,647 --> 00:38:38,682 - WHAT IS THIS? 665 00:38:42,186 --> 00:38:46,156 - NICK KROLL! NICK! 666 00:38:46,158 --> 00:38:50,026 YOUR FAN MUST BE SO EXCITED YOU'RE HERE! 667 00:38:52,596 --> 00:38:54,130 NO, NICK, I LOVE "KROLL SHOW." 668 00:38:54,132 --> 00:38:57,000 YOU ARE AMAZING AT CHARACTERS. YOU'RE LIKE A CHAMELEON... 669 00:38:57,002 --> 00:39:01,304 IN THAT YOU HAVE HIDEOUS SKIN AND BULGING EYES. 670 00:39:05,042 --> 00:39:09,446 BILL HADER, YOU ARE THIS GENERATION'S PHIL HARTMAN... 671 00:39:09,448 --> 00:39:11,114 HOPEFULLY. 672 00:39:11,116 --> 00:39:14,017 - JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. - ( audience moans ) 673 00:39:16,153 --> 00:39:20,757 - SARAH SILVERMAN'S HAD MORE UGLY MEN INSIDE HER THAN COMIC-CON. 674 00:39:23,861 --> 00:39:26,062 KIM KARDASHIAN IS HERE. 675 00:39:26,064 --> 00:39:28,631 OH, THAT'S AZIZ. SORRY. 676 00:39:28,633 --> 00:39:31,801 I GET 'EM CONFUSED, THEY'RE BOTH BROWN NARCISSISTS 677 00:39:31,803 --> 00:39:35,405 RIDING KANYE'S DICK. 678 00:39:40,711 --> 00:39:42,712 NO, AZIZ IS ONLY IN SHOW BUSINESS 679 00:39:42,714 --> 00:39:46,616 BECAUSE HE'S TOO UGLY TO BE A GENIE. 680 00:39:47,551 --> 00:39:50,820 MY THIRD WISH, AZIZ, IS THAT YOU STOP SCREAMING YOUR PUNCH LINES. 681 00:39:50,822 --> 00:39:55,892 I SAW YOUR SPECIAL. IF I WANTED TO GET YELLED AT BY A HUMORLESS INDIAN, 682 00:39:55,894 --> 00:39:58,862 I'D READ A MAGAZINE AT 7-ELEVEN. 683 00:40:01,966 --> 00:40:03,867 NO, THEY LOVE AZIZ IN INDIA. 684 00:40:03,869 --> 00:40:07,637 HE WAS RECENTLY AWARDED INDIA'S HIGHEST HONOR... 685 00:40:07,639 --> 00:40:09,406 SOAP. 686 00:40:11,976 --> 00:40:14,544 JAMES FRANCO... 687 00:40:16,981 --> 00:40:19,082 ACTING, TEACHING, DIRECTING, 688 00:40:19,084 --> 00:40:22,652 WRITING, PRODUCING, PHOTOGRAPHY, SOUNDTRACKS, EDITING-- 689 00:40:22,654 --> 00:40:25,688 IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO? 690 00:40:28,025 --> 00:40:30,360 NO, AT FIRST I WASN'T SURE WHY JAMES WOULD DO THIS ROAST, 691 00:40:30,362 --> 00:40:35,365 AND THEN I SAW "SPRING BREAKERS" AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, HE'LL DO ANYTHING." 692 00:40:36,901 --> 00:40:41,805 JAMES HAS A NEW REALITY SHOW COMING OUT ON THE OVATION NETWORK-- WOW. 693 00:40:41,807 --> 00:40:45,775 FINALLY SOMETHING SO AWFUL THAT EVEN T.L.C. WAS LIKE, 694 00:40:45,777 --> 00:40:48,278 "NAH, WE'RE GOOD." 695 00:40:50,448 --> 00:40:54,617 JAMES, YOU'RE HARD TO ROAST. I MEAN, YOU'RE SO DREAMY. 696 00:40:54,619 --> 00:40:58,588 I MEAN, SOMETHING ABOUT YOU, I JUST WANNA PLEASE YOU. 697 00:40:58,590 --> 00:41:00,523 I JUST WANNA TAKE YOU BACK TO MY HOTEL ROOM, 698 00:41:00,525 --> 00:41:04,761 TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES AND LET A MAN FUCK YOU. 699 00:41:07,531 --> 00:41:08,531 NO, I'LL FUCK YOU, JAMES. 700 00:41:08,533 --> 00:41:12,335 I JUST WANNA PUT A BAG OVER YOUR CAREER CHOICES. 701 00:41:13,370 --> 00:41:14,370 YOU'RE A FANTASTIC ARTIST. 702 00:41:14,372 --> 00:41:17,307 THANK YOU, I FEEL HONORED TO BE HERE. THANK YOU. 703 00:41:17,309 --> 00:41:18,608 THANK YOU. 704 00:41:26,484 --> 00:41:30,019 - COMING UP IS THE MAN WHO MADE S.N.L. FUNNY AGAIN... 705 00:41:30,021 --> 00:41:34,023 BY LEAVING. PLEASE WELCOME ANDY SAMBERG! 706 00:41:43,868 --> 00:41:45,735 - HEY, EVERYONE. 707 00:41:45,737 --> 00:41:48,905 SO, UH... I JUST FLEW IN FROM NEW YORK 708 00:41:48,907 --> 00:41:55,879 AND BOY, ARE MY ARMS FINE! BECAUSE SETH ROGEN GAVE ME A RIDE ON HIS PRIVATE JET. 709 00:41:56,280 --> 00:42:01,251 WAY TO BE THOUGHTFUL AND GENEROUS WHEN YOU HAD NOTHING TO GAIN FROM IT, PUSSY. 710 00:42:01,253 --> 00:42:05,154 I'M KIDDING. SUPER APPRECIATE THE HOOKUP. 711 00:42:05,523 --> 00:42:09,025 BUT SERIOUSLY, SETH, WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR GIGANTIC TUX? 712 00:42:09,027 --> 00:42:10,660 I'D BE SWIMMING IN THAT THING... 713 00:42:10,662 --> 00:42:14,397 IF I COULD SWIM! BURNED YOU! I CAN'T SWIM. 714 00:42:17,067 --> 00:42:19,202 ROASTMASTER-- CHECK. 715 00:42:19,204 --> 00:42:23,406 LET'S SEE, WHO ELSE SHOULD I LAMPOON? 716 00:42:28,145 --> 00:42:31,447 WOW, LOOK AT THIS DAIS-- A WORD I KNEW BEFORE TONIGHT. 717 00:42:31,449 --> 00:42:32,982 SOMEONE MUST HAVE TOLD THE PRODUCER 718 00:42:32,984 --> 00:42:36,386 THAT THIS WAS A PANEL OF KENNY ROGERS ROASTERS, 719 00:42:36,388 --> 00:42:39,956 'CAUSE YOU GUYS ARE A BUNCH OF CHICKENS! 720 00:42:39,958 --> 00:42:41,958 THANK YOU. 721 00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:46,596 IT'S A CHICKEN-BASED RESTAURANT, I RESEARCHED THAT. 722 00:42:47,765 --> 00:42:51,234 THE "LOVELY" SARAH SILVERMAN IS HERE. 723 00:42:51,236 --> 00:42:54,804 I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, SARAH, BUT YOU'RE GETTING OLDER. 724 00:42:54,806 --> 00:42:56,940 AND YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS GETTING OLDER? MY MOM. 725 00:42:56,942 --> 00:43:00,944 I'M SCARED SHE'S GONNA DIE SOON. WHAT'S THAT GONNA BE LIKE? 726 00:43:00,946 --> 00:43:03,212 ROASTED YOU. 727 00:43:03,214 --> 00:43:05,949 ROASTED SARAH. 728 00:43:06,717 --> 00:43:09,986 OKAY, WHO'S MY NEXT VICTIM? HUH. 729 00:43:09,988 --> 00:43:12,388 NATASHA LEGGERO IS HERE. 730 00:43:12,390 --> 00:43:15,458 SHE'S, UH-- SHE'S BASICALLY A COMPLETE UNKNOWN, 731 00:43:15,460 --> 00:43:20,463 BUT TONIGHT WE'RE GETTIN' PAID THE SAME AMOUNT OF � MONEY! 732 00:43:22,333 --> 00:43:24,400 UH AH, GOT YOU. 733 00:43:24,402 --> 00:43:27,570 WELL, GUESS WHAT, NATASHA? YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING I CAN DO, 734 00:43:27,572 --> 00:43:33,576 BUT I CAN NEVER EXPERIENCE THE MIRACLE OF BIRTHING A CHILD. ROASTED YOU. 735 00:43:35,346 --> 00:43:37,880 ROAST-AFARI. 736 00:43:39,617 --> 00:43:41,918 LIKE A REGGAE GUY. 737 00:43:42,286 --> 00:43:45,355 HERE'S ONE: NICK KROLL, BILL HADER, AND SETH ROGEN WALK INTO A BAR. 738 00:43:45,357 --> 00:43:49,826 THEY'RE THERE TO PICK ME UP BECAUSE I'M AN ALCOHOLIC WHO CAN'T MANAGE MY FEELINGS! 739 00:43:49,828 --> 00:43:52,795 NAILED YOU FUCKERS! SUCK A BUTT! 740 00:43:53,664 --> 00:43:58,501 UH, IS THERE A BARISTA HERE? 'CAUSE THIS ROAST JUST GOT DARK! 741 00:44:02,906 --> 00:44:04,707 ( clears throat ) 742 00:44:04,709 --> 00:44:09,045 WHO ELSE? WHO ELSE WANTS THE WRATH? 743 00:44:11,215 --> 00:44:13,116 MY GOOD FRIEND AZIZ ANSARI IS HERE. 744 00:44:13,118 --> 00:44:16,586 AZIZ'S PARENTS ARE FROM INDIA AND HE'S FROM SOUTH CAROLINA. 745 00:44:16,588 --> 00:44:19,989 HEY, AZIZ, WHAT'S IT LIKE TO HAVE A UNIQUE PERSPECTIVE 746 00:44:19,991 --> 00:44:23,760 ON WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AMERICAN, YOU BAG OF SHIT? 747 00:44:28,666 --> 00:44:31,034 ROASTING SO HARD RIGHT NOW. 748 00:44:31,036 --> 00:44:33,936 IT'S LIKE AT BOSTON MARKET IN HERE, 749 00:44:33,938 --> 00:44:38,708 'CAUSE I'M ROASTING ALL THESE KENNY ROGERS CHICKENS. 750 00:44:41,245 --> 00:44:42,145 JONAH HILL IS HERE. 751 00:44:42,147 --> 00:44:46,249 JONAH IS SO DUMB THAT WHEN HE HAD ME OVER FOR A DINNER PARTY, 752 00:44:46,251 --> 00:44:48,851 I OVERSTAYED MY WELCOME AND HE PRETENDED TO BE TIRED 753 00:44:48,853 --> 00:44:51,621 SO I WOULD LEAVE WITHOUT GETTING MY FEELINGS HURT. 754 00:44:51,623 --> 00:44:55,324 YOU A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE SWEETHEART, JONAH! 755 00:45:01,665 --> 00:45:04,467 JUST ASK ME TO LEAVE. 756 00:45:04,469 --> 00:45:07,203 BUT I DID WANNA STAY. 757 00:45:07,205 --> 00:45:10,506 WHO ELSE IS HERE? UH... 758 00:45:10,508 --> 00:45:12,942 OH YEAH, GOD IS HERE. 759 00:45:12,944 --> 00:45:14,811 GOD IS EVERYWHERE, OKAY? 760 00:45:14,813 --> 00:45:17,146 HE WALKS WITH ME THROUGH SUNSHINE AND RAIN. 761 00:45:17,148 --> 00:45:20,216 HE PROTECTS ME FROM TEMPTATION. HE IS MY LIGHT. 762 00:45:20,218 --> 00:45:22,151 ROASTED THE FATHER! 763 00:45:24,655 --> 00:45:27,490 ON THE SACRILEGE TIP. 764 00:45:27,492 --> 00:45:28,958 EXPECT LETTERS, COMEDY CENTRAL. 765 00:45:28,960 --> 00:45:33,396 IF YOU DON'T WANT CONTROVERSY, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE INVITED THE KING! 766 00:45:37,835 --> 00:45:39,802 WHOO! 767 00:45:39,804 --> 00:45:43,206 AND NOW WE COME TO JAMES FRANCO. 768 00:45:45,909 --> 00:45:49,078 EVERYONE'S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT-- - ( laughing ) 769 00:45:49,080 --> 00:45:51,814 - THANKS, BILL. 770 00:45:51,816 --> 00:45:53,816 IT'S MY OLD HOMEY. 771 00:45:53,818 --> 00:45:57,653 HEY, EVERYONE'S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HOW GOOD-LOOKING YOU ARE, JAMES. 772 00:45:57,655 --> 00:46:00,523 AND THEY ARE SPOT ON. YOU'RE SO HANDSOME 773 00:46:00,525 --> 00:46:04,093 YOU REMIND ME OF THE MAN WHO BROKE UP MY PARENTS' MARRIAGE. 774 00:46:04,095 --> 00:46:05,762 BAM, BOSTON MARKET! 775 00:46:05,764 --> 00:46:09,432 DID YOU KNOW JAMES FRANCO WAS ON "GENERAL HOSPITAL"? 776 00:46:09,434 --> 00:46:12,468 A CRAPPY SOAP OPERA! IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T LET YOUR EGO 777 00:46:12,470 --> 00:46:16,506 GET IN THE WAY OF YOUR ARTISTIC PATH. WHAT IS THAT, KENNY ROGERS? 778 00:46:16,508 --> 00:46:17,940 "OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL"? 779 00:46:17,942 --> 00:46:22,278 MORE LIKE A MOVIE THAT TRANSPORTED ME TO A MAGICAL WONDERLAND. 780 00:46:22,280 --> 00:46:24,714 GOOD ONE. THANKS. 781 00:46:24,716 --> 00:46:26,916 HEY! HERE'S A FUN FACT: 782 00:46:26,918 --> 00:46:30,219 JAMES FRANCO HAS A TINY DICK. 783 00:46:30,221 --> 00:46:32,789 YEAH, I SAID IT. 784 00:46:32,791 --> 00:46:34,423 JAMES'S DICK IS SO SMALL 785 00:46:34,425 --> 00:46:40,263 THAT I HAD TO SUCK IT FOR, LIKE, THREE HOURS JUST TO GET HIM HARD. 786 00:46:41,064 --> 00:46:42,765 AND THEN IT GOT WAY BIGGER. 787 00:46:42,767 --> 00:46:46,636 LIKE, SCARY BIG. I WAS LIKE, "YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT WITH THAT?" 788 00:46:46,638 --> 00:46:51,240 ANYWAYS, HE RAILED ON ME UP THE ASS, UP AND INSIDE OF MY ASSHOLE 789 00:46:51,242 --> 00:46:55,144 WITH HIS GIGANTIC "PLANET OF THE APES" COCK. 790 00:46:57,014 --> 00:46:57,814 HUH... 791 00:46:57,816 --> 00:46:59,182 JAMES IS SO BAD IN BED 792 00:46:59,184 --> 00:47:03,586 THAT HE DOESN'T EVEN CLEAN HIS JIZZ OFF MY BACK WHEN HE'S FINISHED. 793 00:47:03,588 --> 00:47:05,855 TALK ABOUT CHIVALRY IS DEAD-- 794 00:47:05,857 --> 00:47:09,192 A GENTLEMAN, SIR, YOU ARE NOT! 795 00:47:10,127 --> 00:47:15,498 AHHH... YOU GUYS, DON'T BE HOMOPHOBIC. SERIOUSLY, IT'S 2005. 796 00:47:15,500 --> 00:47:17,800 GROW UP. 797 00:47:17,802 --> 00:47:19,635 HEY, JAMES, KNOCK KNOCK. 798 00:47:19,637 --> 00:47:23,606 - WHO'S THERE? - I THINK ABOUT YOU WHEN I JERK OFF. 799 00:47:27,311 --> 00:47:30,880 HEY, GUYS, CAN YOU TRY AND SETTLE DOWN OUT THERE? 800 00:47:30,882 --> 00:47:32,248 I'M TRYING TO ROAST UP HERE. 801 00:47:32,250 --> 00:47:36,652 I DON'T GO DOWN TO YOUR JOB AND KNOCK JAMES FRANCO'S DICK OUT OF MY MOUTH. 802 00:47:36,654 --> 00:47:39,455 YOU NEVER TAKE ME ANYWHERE, JAMES! 803 00:47:41,024 --> 00:47:43,893 I SUCKED YOUR DICK, MAN! 804 00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:53,836 SO THESE ARE CLASSIC ROAST JOKES. 805 00:47:53,838 --> 00:47:57,306 JEFF ROSS KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 806 00:47:57,308 --> 00:48:00,142 YOU MELTING HIPPO. LOOK... 807 00:48:01,144 --> 00:48:03,512 ALL I'M SAYING... 808 00:48:03,514 --> 00:48:05,715 ALL I'M SAYING IS THIS: 809 00:48:05,717 --> 00:48:07,884 JAMES HAS FORCE-FED ME SO MUCH DICK 810 00:48:07,886 --> 00:48:10,219 THAT YOU CAN MAKE FOIE GRAS OUT OF MY LIVER. 811 00:48:10,221 --> 00:48:12,021 THAT'S A FOODIE JOKE ABOUT DICKS. 812 00:48:12,023 --> 00:48:15,391 YOU GUYS, THIS HAS BEEN GREAT. LET'S ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS. 813 00:48:15,393 --> 00:48:18,995 AND, JAMES, YOU ARE A SUPER STRANGE GUY AND I LIKE THAT. 814 00:48:18,997 --> 00:48:22,365 BECAUSE YOU'VE HAD EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO BE BORING AND YOU DIDN'T. 815 00:48:22,367 --> 00:48:26,836 SO CONGRATS. AND CONGRATS TO ALL OF US FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT 816 00:48:26,838 --> 00:48:29,972 AND BEING SO MEAN TO EACH OTHER, BECAUSE IT'S A TRADITION 817 00:48:29,974 --> 00:48:33,209 AND WE'RE ALL TERRIFIED. THANK YOU. 818 00:48:42,386 --> 00:48:43,119 - OUR NEXT ROASTER 819 00:48:43,121 --> 00:48:45,288 COULD HAVE BEEN IN THE MOVIE "LIFE OF PI," 820 00:48:45,290 --> 00:48:47,890 BUT PRODUCERS THOUGHT THEY'D GET A BETTER PERFORMANCE 821 00:48:47,892 --> 00:48:50,393 OUT OF SOMEONE WHO'S LITERALLY NEVER ACTED 822 00:48:50,395 --> 00:48:52,595 IN ANYTHING EVER IN HIS WHOLE LIFE. 823 00:48:52,597 --> 00:48:55,398 PLEASE WELCOME AZIZ ANSARI. 824 00:48:55,400 --> 00:48:57,600 - ( applause ) 825 00:49:01,738 --> 00:49:04,540 - THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYONE. 826 00:49:04,542 --> 00:49:05,207 THIS IS SO COOL. 827 00:49:05,209 --> 00:49:07,910 I'VE ACTUALLY NEVER DONE ANY OF THESE ROASTS BEFORE. 828 00:49:07,912 --> 00:49:10,246 BUT HEY, THEY TOLD ME THIS ROAST IS DIFFERENT. 829 00:49:10,248 --> 00:49:13,182 YOU KNOW, THEY GOT A CONTEMPORARY RELEVANT CELEBRITY, 830 00:49:13,184 --> 00:49:17,586 JAMES FRANCO, AND THEY GOT HIS ACTUAL FRIENDS TO ROAST HIM. 831 00:49:17,588 --> 00:49:18,888 VERY COOL IDEA. 832 00:49:18,890 --> 00:49:20,122 IF THAT'S THE PLAN THOUGH, 833 00:49:20,124 --> 00:49:23,659 WHY AM I HERE? I DON'T KNOW JAMES AT ALL. 834 00:49:23,661 --> 00:49:24,727 YOU GUYS SAW "THIS IS THE END." 835 00:49:24,729 --> 00:49:28,731 I'VE BEEN UP HERE LONGER THAN I WAS IN "THIS IS THE END." 836 00:49:29,299 --> 00:49:32,535 THE FUNNIEST PART OF "THIS IS THE END" TO ME 837 00:49:32,537 --> 00:49:34,437 IS IF JAMES ACTUALLY HAD THAT PARTY, 838 00:49:34,439 --> 00:49:37,273 I DON'T THINK I WOULD HAVE BEEN INVITED. 839 00:49:39,209 --> 00:49:41,477 NATASHA LEGGERO IS HERE. 840 00:49:41,479 --> 00:49:43,980 - ( scattered applause ) 841 00:49:43,982 --> 00:49:46,749 - AND YES, NATASHA, SOMETIMES IN MY SET, 842 00:49:46,751 --> 00:49:47,984 I DO YELL. AND SO WOULD YOU 843 00:49:47,986 --> 00:49:50,886 IF YOU TOURED FOR MORE THAN TENS OF PEOPLE. 844 00:49:54,758 --> 00:49:57,526 - YEAH! - BUT NATASHA HAD A FANTASTIC SET. 845 00:49:57,528 --> 00:49:59,128 IT'S-- YEAH, THAT WAS SO FUNNY. 846 00:49:59,130 --> 00:50:03,532 IT'S A SHAME SHE DIDN'T SAY HER JOKES EIGHT TIMES SLOWER THOUGH 847 00:50:03,534 --> 00:50:05,935 SO PEOPLE ACTUALLY HAD A CHANCE TO CATCH IT 848 00:50:05,937 --> 00:50:08,404 WHEN THEY FAST-FORWARD HER ON THEIR D.V.R. 849 00:50:08,406 --> 00:50:10,606 THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF NATASHA'S SET 850 00:50:10,608 --> 00:50:12,742 AS IT WILL BE SEEN ON MOST TELEVISION SETS: 851 00:50:12,744 --> 00:50:14,844 "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, NATASHA LEGGERO. 852 00:50:14,846 --> 00:50:15,978 ( mimics fast-forwarding ) 853 00:50:15,980 --> 00:50:18,614 THANK YOU SO MUCH, JAMES." 854 00:50:20,851 --> 00:50:23,552 JONAH HILL IS HERE. 855 00:50:23,554 --> 00:50:25,955 - ( applause ) - YES. 856 00:50:25,957 --> 00:50:29,825 I DO THINK ONE DAY JONAH 857 00:50:29,827 --> 00:50:31,460 WILL WIN AN OSCAR... 858 00:50:31,462 --> 00:50:34,296 MEYER HOT-DOG EATER OF THE MILLENNIUM AWARD. 859 00:50:38,435 --> 00:50:40,236 LOOK THIS GUY IS A HUGE STAR. 860 00:50:40,238 --> 00:50:42,338 HE'S HANGING OUT WITH THE BRAD PITTS 861 00:50:42,340 --> 00:50:44,607 AND THE LEONARDO DiCAPRIOS OF THE WORLD. 862 00:50:44,609 --> 00:50:45,641 IF I WAS HANGING OUT WITH THOSE GUYS, 863 00:50:45,643 --> 00:50:49,245 YOU THINK I'D STILL GET BRUNCH WITH NICK KROLL? 864 00:50:49,247 --> 00:50:50,346 NO, OF COURSE NOT. 865 00:50:50,348 --> 00:50:52,081 THAT'S HOW SUCCESSFUL JONAH IS. 866 00:50:52,083 --> 00:50:54,050 HE HAD TO GET NEW FRIENDS. 867 00:50:54,052 --> 00:50:55,518 THAT'S MY NEW CAREER GOAL, 868 00:50:55,520 --> 00:50:58,087 TO NEVER SEE NICK KROLL AGAIN. 869 00:51:02,092 --> 00:51:03,959 SARAH SILVERMAN IS HERE. 870 00:51:05,162 --> 00:51:08,931 SOME OF THE GUYS HERE TONIGHT REALLY TAKING ME TO TASK 871 00:51:08,933 --> 00:51:10,332 OVER ONE KANYE WEST JOKE 872 00:51:10,334 --> 00:51:12,268 I DID IN MY STAND-UP ACT FIVE YEARS AGO. 873 00:51:12,270 --> 00:51:15,805 IF ANYONE WANTS TO MAKE FUN OF ANY JOKES SARAH DID FIVE YEARS AGO, 874 00:51:15,807 --> 00:51:18,841 PLEASE DON'T. SHE'S STILL DOING THOSE JOKES. 875 00:51:23,513 --> 00:51:25,281 ALSO, I THINK IT'S SO COOL 876 00:51:25,283 --> 00:51:28,117 THAT SOME OF YOU GUYS WERE ABLE TO TRAVEL BACK IN TIME 877 00:51:28,119 --> 00:51:32,354 TO 1995 FOR THOSE INDIAN JOKES YOU DID. 878 00:51:32,356 --> 00:51:34,390 THAT'S SO COOL. 879 00:51:35,492 --> 00:51:37,193 MAN! 880 00:51:37,195 --> 00:51:40,629 THOSE STEREOTYPES ARE SO OUTDATED. 881 00:51:40,631 --> 00:51:41,530 MY GOD. 882 00:51:41,532 --> 00:51:44,300 THERE'S MORE INDIAN DUDES DOING SITCOMS 883 00:51:44,302 --> 00:51:46,168 THAN THERE ARE RUNNING 7-ELEVENS. 884 00:51:46,170 --> 00:51:49,371 WE'RE STRAIGHT UP SNATCHING ROLES FROM WHITE ACTORS. 885 00:51:49,373 --> 00:51:53,576 MY LAST THREE ROLES WERE RANDY, CHET AND TOM. 886 00:52:02,419 --> 00:52:03,652 JEFF ROSS IS HERE... 887 00:52:03,654 --> 00:52:06,155 'CAUSE HE NEVER LEFT SINCE THE LAST ROAST. 888 00:52:06,157 --> 00:52:09,291 HE HAS NOWHERE ELSE TO GO. IT'S SO SAD. 889 00:52:09,293 --> 00:52:11,827 HE LIVES IN THE DRESSING ROOM. 890 00:52:11,829 --> 00:52:14,864 BUT HEY, JEFF IS REALLY GOOD AT ROASTING, OKAY? 891 00:52:14,866 --> 00:52:17,666 EVEN IF THEY CANCELED THE COMEDY CENTRAL ROAST, 892 00:52:17,668 --> 00:52:19,902 YOU'D STILL SEE JEFF OUT THERE 893 00:52:19,904 --> 00:52:21,403 SOMEWHERE ROASTING... 894 00:52:21,405 --> 00:52:23,973 A DEAD RAT OVER A GARBAGE FIRE 895 00:52:23,975 --> 00:52:24,840 BECAUSE HE'D BE HOMELESS 896 00:52:24,842 --> 00:52:28,210 AND HE'D NEED TO MAKE A NICE DINNER THAT EVENING. 897 00:52:29,446 --> 00:52:31,847 I SAW JEFF AT THE COMEDY CLUB THE OTHER NIGHT. 898 00:52:31,849 --> 00:52:33,048 A WOMAN COMES UP TO HIM AND SAYS, "HEY, 899 00:52:33,050 --> 00:52:37,019 IF YOU'RE WHO I THINK YOU ARE, I'M DEFINITELY SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT." 900 00:52:37,021 --> 00:52:39,455 AND HE GOES "HELL YEAH, I'M JEFF ROSS." 901 00:52:39,457 --> 00:52:40,356 AND SHE GOES, "OOPS, SORRY. 902 00:52:40,358 --> 00:52:44,393 I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE MAIN ORC FROM 'THE LORD OF THE RINGS.'" 903 00:52:50,700 --> 00:52:54,737 I WROTE THAT JOKE BEFORE YOU DID THAT TO YOUR HAIR TOO. 904 00:52:58,575 --> 00:53:01,410 BUT WE'RE HERE FOR JAMES FRANCO. 905 00:53:01,412 --> 00:53:03,412 YES. - ( cheering ) 906 00:53:04,247 --> 00:53:05,915 - SO MANY GAY JOKES TONIGHT. 907 00:53:05,917 --> 00:53:08,284 WOW, SO MANY GAY JOKES ABOUT FRANCO. 908 00:53:08,286 --> 00:53:11,320 APPARENTLY IF YOU'RE CLEAN, WELL-DRESSED 909 00:53:11,322 --> 00:53:13,989 AND MILDLY CULTURED YOU'RE SUPER GAY NOW. 910 00:53:13,991 --> 00:53:16,025 IS THAT WHY THE REST OF YOU GUYS 911 00:53:16,027 --> 00:53:19,361 ARE SO AGGRESSIVELY FAT AND DIRTY? 912 00:53:20,230 --> 00:53:22,598 YOU THINK IF YOU READ ONE BOOK AND TAKE A SHOWER, 913 00:53:22,600 --> 00:53:25,701 DICKS ARE JUST GONNA FLY INTO YOUR FACE? 914 00:53:32,542 --> 00:53:35,311 FRANCO, I DON'T KNOW YOU THAT WELL, 915 00:53:35,313 --> 00:53:36,512 BUT I'M GLAD YOU HAD ME HERE. 916 00:53:36,514 --> 00:53:39,715 AND LATER TONIGHT, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO YOU COMING UP HERE 917 00:53:39,717 --> 00:53:42,084 AND DOING WHAT YOU DO BEST-- BEING MILDLY FUNNY 918 00:53:42,086 --> 00:53:44,653 READING MATERIAL SETH ROGEN HAS WRITTEN FOR YOU. 919 00:53:44,655 --> 00:53:46,956 THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH. 920 00:53:57,667 --> 00:54:02,204 - ALL RIGHT, OUR NEXT ROASTER VERY CLEVERLY CAME DRESSED 921 00:54:02,206 --> 00:54:04,607 AS ONE OF THE CHARACTERS FROM JAMES'S FILMS. 922 00:54:04,609 --> 00:54:09,778 HERE HE IS DRESSED AS THE HOT-AIR BALLOON FROM "OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL," 923 00:54:09,780 --> 00:54:12,448 JEFFREY ROSS! 924 00:54:20,657 --> 00:54:22,658 - WHOA-OH-OH! 925 00:54:22,660 --> 00:54:24,860 HOW YOU GUYS DOIN'? 926 00:54:26,396 --> 00:54:28,597 I LOVE IT. WHAT AN EPIC NIGHT! 927 00:54:28,599 --> 00:54:33,736 FIRST OFF, I'D LIKE TO THANK MY NIECE SETH ROGEN FOR HOSTING. 928 00:54:34,137 --> 00:54:38,807 OH MAN! I SAW YOUR MALL COP MOVIE. WHAT WAS IT CALLED? 929 00:54:38,809 --> 00:54:41,477 - "OBSERVE AND REPORT." - YEAH. 930 00:54:42,379 --> 00:54:46,248 IT MADE ME REALIZE HOW FUNNY KEVIN JAMES IS. 931 00:54:50,253 --> 00:54:53,222 HOW MANY PEOPLE SAW "THIS IS THE END"? 932 00:54:53,224 --> 00:54:55,391 - ( cheering ) 933 00:54:55,393 --> 00:54:56,959 - AWESOME MOVIE. 934 00:54:56,961 --> 00:55:00,262 I LOVED ALL YOU GUYS IN "THIS IS THE END." I REALLY DID. 935 00:55:00,264 --> 00:55:02,364 YOU PLAYED YOURSELVES, THAT WAS SO COOL. 936 00:55:02,366 --> 00:55:04,333 HOW'D YOU GUYS YOU GET INTO CHARACTER ON SET? 937 00:55:04,335 --> 00:55:09,605 DID THEY PASS OUT SMOOTHIES THAT TASTE LIKE JUDD APATOW'S ASSHOLE? 938 00:55:14,778 --> 00:55:18,213 LOOK AT THESE FAT GUYS LAUGHING. I LOVE IT. 939 00:55:20,050 --> 00:55:22,351 IN "THIS IS THE END," JONAH HILL GETS RAPED 940 00:55:22,353 --> 00:55:25,487 BY A DEMON WITH A BIG BLACK COCK! 941 00:55:25,489 --> 00:55:28,257 THE COCK DIDN'T HAVE TO BE BIG OR BLACK, 942 00:55:28,259 --> 00:55:32,161 BUT YOU KNOW JONAH WITH HIS DEMANDS. 943 00:55:40,003 --> 00:55:41,670 ACTUALLY JONAH ALMOST COULDN'T MAKE IT TONIGHT 944 00:55:41,672 --> 00:55:47,643 BECAUSE HE HAD TROUBLE FINDING A TUXEDO THAT CHANGED IN SIZES EVERY THREE HOURS. 945 00:55:49,245 --> 00:55:50,879 OOH! 946 00:55:52,649 --> 00:55:54,116 JONAH, YOU'RE AN AMAZING TALENT. 947 00:55:54,118 --> 00:55:57,753 I LOVE YOU AS THE KU KLUX KLAN GUY IN "DJANGO UNCHAINED." 948 00:55:57,755 --> 00:56:03,425 THAT WAS A GREAT ROLE. YOU SHOULD WEAR A SHEET OVER YOUR FACE IN EVERY MOVIE. 949 00:56:04,394 --> 00:56:07,529 WHAT WAS THAT, A CALIFORNIA KING? 950 00:56:09,999 --> 00:56:12,401 IT WAS BIG. 951 00:56:14,704 --> 00:56:18,307 WHEN JONAH'S AGENT TOLD HIM THAT QUENTIN TARANTINO 952 00:56:18,309 --> 00:56:20,509 WANTED HIM TO BE IN A SPAGHETTI WESTERN, 953 00:56:20,511 --> 00:56:24,079 JONAH WAS LIKE, "YOU HAD ME AT SPAGHETTI." 954 00:56:25,915 --> 00:56:27,950 JONAH HILL! 955 00:56:30,954 --> 00:56:33,622 JONAH HILL... 956 00:56:35,158 --> 00:56:36,925 WHAT'S THAT? - SPAGHETTI WESTERN. 957 00:56:36,927 --> 00:56:38,494 - SPAGHETTI WESTERN. YOU LIKE THAT? 958 00:56:38,496 --> 00:56:41,930 - I LIKE THAT. - I LOVE YOU, JONAH. YOU'RE A GOOD GUY. 959 00:56:41,932 --> 00:56:43,298 - I FUCKING LOVE YOU, DUDE. 960 00:56:43,300 --> 00:56:46,034 - GREAT TO SEE SARAH SILVERMAN. SHE'S THE GREATEST. 961 00:56:46,036 --> 00:56:49,872 SO FUNNY TONIGHT. YOU'RE LIKE A SISTER TO ME. 962 00:56:50,206 --> 00:56:52,608 I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, SARAH, FOR YOUR SUCCESS 963 00:56:52,610 --> 00:56:56,145 IN THE ANIMATED MOVIE. ANYBODY SEE "WRECK-IT RALPH"? 964 00:56:56,147 --> 00:56:57,246 WOW. 965 00:56:57,248 --> 00:56:59,648 WHICH IS WHAT GUYS DO TO YOUR PUSSY. 966 00:56:59,650 --> 00:57:02,584 THEY WRECK IT, THEN THEY RALPH. 967 00:57:11,928 --> 00:57:15,230 BILL HADER. HOLY MACKEREL, SO HILARIOUS. 968 00:57:15,232 --> 00:57:16,999 THAT WAS GREAT. 969 00:57:20,637 --> 00:57:25,841 TOO BAD YOU CAN'T DO AN IMPRESSION OF A GUY WITH TWO EQUALLY SIZED EYES. 970 00:57:27,043 --> 00:57:29,945 MAN! LOOK AT THAT! GET A CLOSE-UP! 971 00:57:31,214 --> 00:57:32,448 I'VE HEARD OF A LAZY EYE, 972 00:57:32,450 --> 00:57:35,184 BUT THAT LEFT ONE'S COLLECTING UNEMPLOYMENT. 973 00:57:41,090 --> 00:57:44,693 AZIZ, I WANTED TO MAKE SOME JOKES ABOUT YOU BOMBING TONIGHT, 974 00:57:44,695 --> 00:57:48,497 BUT YOU WERE SO GODDAMN FUNNY I CAN'T AND, UH... 975 00:57:51,534 --> 00:57:53,635 I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, AZIZ, YOU WERE HIL... 976 00:57:53,637 --> 00:57:57,039 ( ululates ) ...LARIOUS. 977 00:58:02,545 --> 00:58:07,216 AZIZ HAS BEEN CHARMING AUDIENCES AND SNAKES FOR YEARS. 978 00:58:10,954 --> 00:58:13,789 AND I GUESS YOU'RE HERE TONIGHT BECAUSE NOW THAT KANYE 979 00:58:13,791 --> 00:58:16,992 HAD A REAL BABY, HE DOESN'T NEED YOU ANYMORE. 980 00:58:20,296 --> 00:58:22,097 HOW YA DOIN', FRANCO? 981 00:58:22,099 --> 00:58:25,200 YOU LOOK LIKE JOHNNY DEPP WITH LUPUS. 982 00:58:27,937 --> 00:58:32,841 DOES RYAN GOSLING EVER CALL YOU, START LAUGHING AND THEN HANG UP? 983 00:58:37,981 --> 00:58:41,416 FRANCO IS HALF ITALIAN AND HALF-ASLEEP. 984 00:58:44,387 --> 00:58:49,224 HOW ABOUT A HAND FOR JAMES'S GRANDMA, 91 YEARS OLD. 985 00:58:50,426 --> 00:58:53,529 BEAUTIFUL. LOOK AT HER! 986 00:58:53,531 --> 00:58:54,997 WOW! 987 00:59:00,069 --> 00:59:03,438 "127 HOURS" IS HOW LONG SHE HAS LEFT. 988 00:59:03,440 --> 00:59:06,341 - ( crowd moans ) 989 00:59:12,181 --> 00:59:14,616 - GET HIM, GRANDMA. GET HIM. 990 00:59:14,618 --> 00:59:16,685 GET HIM! 991 00:59:17,453 --> 00:59:20,255 - OH... OH, FRANCO. 992 00:59:21,391 --> 00:59:23,859 FRANCO COMES FROM HUMBLE BEGINNINGS, RIGHT? 993 00:59:23,861 --> 00:59:25,894 YOUR FIRST JOB WAS WORKING AT McDONALD'S. 994 00:59:25,896 --> 00:59:30,799 IT WAS THE LAST TIME ANYBODY EVER SAID ABOUT YOUR WORK, "I'M LOVIN' IT." 995 00:59:33,603 --> 00:59:35,804 OH. AND BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ACADEMIC 996 00:59:35,806 --> 00:59:38,307 I TREATED THIS ROAST LIKE A RESEARCH PROJECT. 997 00:59:38,309 --> 00:59:40,742 I WATCHED ALL YOUR FILMS. I READ YOUR POETRY. 998 00:59:40,744 --> 00:59:45,380 I EVEN HAVE ONE OF YOUR PAINTINGS HANGING IN MY FIRE PIT. 999 00:59:45,748 --> 00:59:49,117 YOU KNOW, FRANCO, PERSONALLY I DON'T CARE IF YOU FUCK GUYS OR FUCK GIRLS. 1000 00:59:49,119 --> 00:59:54,923 ALL I KNOW IS YOU FUCKED ME OUT OF 12 BUCKS WHEN I WENT TO SEE THAT WIZARD OF OZ MOVIE. 1001 00:59:56,359 --> 00:59:58,894 THE WHOLE TIME I WAS IN THE THEATER I WAS THINKIN', 1002 00:59:58,896 --> 01:00:01,863 "THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME." 1003 01:00:03,800 --> 01:00:05,534 BUT, FRANCO, I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD 1004 01:00:05,536 --> 01:00:09,171 TO YOU MUMBLING YOUR REBUTTAL AT THE END OF THE SHOW. 1005 01:00:09,672 --> 01:00:11,473 ARE YOU READY TO BRING IT, FRANCO? 1006 01:00:11,475 --> 01:00:15,944 LET'S HOPE YOU-- THAT'S GOOD. I'M PSYCHED. 1007 01:00:17,180 --> 01:00:19,982 LET'S HOPE YOU BRING SOME OF THAT RAZOR-SHARP WIT 1008 01:00:19,984 --> 01:00:22,317 YOU BROUGHT TO THE OSCARS. 1009 01:00:22,652 --> 01:00:26,121 YOU WERE A WORSE HOST THAN THE AIDS MONKEY. 1010 01:00:30,460 --> 01:00:31,827 FACE IT, FRANCO, YOU AND ANNE HATHAWAY 1011 01:00:31,829 --> 01:00:36,898 HAD THE COMEDIC CHEMISTRY OF TRAYVON MARTIN AND GEORGE ZIMMERMAN. 1012 01:00:41,104 --> 01:00:43,639 ANYWAY, FRANCO, I REALLY DO ADMIRE YOU 1013 01:00:43,641 --> 01:00:45,941 BECAUSE YOU'RE A CREATIVE RISK-TAKER 1014 01:00:45,943 --> 01:00:48,477 DURING A TIME WHEN THE WORLD NEEDS MORE OF THAT. 1015 01:00:48,479 --> 01:00:51,813 SO I WISH YOU CONTINUED SUCCESS AND... 1016 01:00:53,116 --> 01:00:54,383 I HOPE I WASN'T TOO MEAN TONIGHT 1017 01:00:54,385 --> 01:00:58,420 BECAUSE MY GIRLFRIEND AND I BOTH WANNA FUCK YOU AFTER THE SHOW. 1018 01:00:58,422 --> 01:01:01,189 ALL RIGHT, GOOD LUCK, BUDDY. 1019 01:01:02,959 --> 01:01:05,961 - ( instrumental music playing ) 1020 01:01:15,038 --> 01:01:18,940 - ALL RIGHT! IT IS TIME FOR THE MAN OF THE HOUR. 1021 01:01:18,942 --> 01:01:21,710 GET READY. ARE YOU READY? 1022 01:01:21,712 --> 01:01:25,180 HE'S BEEN SITTING HERE FOR HOURS SQUIRMING, 1023 01:01:25,182 --> 01:01:27,149 WAITING FOR THIS TO END. 1024 01:01:27,151 --> 01:01:29,117 SO NOW HE KNOWS HOW WE FEEL WHEN WE WATCH 1025 01:01:29,119 --> 01:01:32,387 ONE OF HIS PIECE-OF-SHIT INDEPENDENT MOVIES. 1026 01:01:33,056 --> 01:01:36,958 PLEASE WELCOME UP MY GOOD BUDDY JAMES FRANCO. 1027 01:01:36,960 --> 01:01:39,461 - � JAMES FRANCO 1028 01:01:40,263 --> 01:01:43,765 � JAMES FRANCO, JAMES FRANCO � 1029 01:01:45,868 --> 01:01:48,370 � I SAY JAMES, Y'ALL SAY FRANCO � 1030 01:01:48,372 --> 01:01:50,505 � JAMES FRANCO, JAMES FRANCO � 1031 01:01:50,507 --> 01:01:52,741 � I SAY JAMES, Y'ALL SAY FRANCO � 1032 01:01:52,743 --> 01:01:54,710 � JAMES FRANCO, JAMES FRANCO � 1033 01:01:54,712 --> 01:01:58,914 - � FRANCO, FRANCO... - THANK YOU. 1034 01:02:02,051 --> 01:02:05,253 I DO THINK THIS-- THIS IS TRULY MY PUNISHMENT 1035 01:02:05,255 --> 01:02:07,355 FOR THE OSCARS. 1036 01:02:07,357 --> 01:02:10,092 AMERICA AND THE REST OF THE WORLD 1037 01:02:10,094 --> 01:02:13,762 CAN HAVE A CATHARTIC MOMENT AFTER THIS AIRS. 1038 01:02:13,764 --> 01:02:16,398 AND I WANNA THANK EVERYBODY HERE. THANK YOU FOR COMING. 1039 01:02:16,400 --> 01:02:18,467 I HAD NO IDEA WHAT YOU WERE GONNA BE INTO. 1040 01:02:18,469 --> 01:02:20,202 AND, JONAH, THANK YOU MOST OF ALL! I-- 1041 01:02:20,204 --> 01:02:23,705 WHEN YOU SAID YES, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WERE GONNA BE 1042 01:02:23,707 --> 01:02:27,008 LISTENING TO THESE JOKES FOR TWO HOUR-- 1043 01:02:27,010 --> 01:02:30,746 I HAD NO IDEA WHAT A FRIEND YOU ARE. 1044 01:02:31,414 --> 01:02:35,016 - I LOVE YOU. - I LOVE YOU, JONAH. THANK YOU. 1045 01:02:36,519 --> 01:02:37,886 I AGREED TO DO THIS ROAST 1046 01:02:37,888 --> 01:02:41,857 BECAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO DO SOMETHING I'D NEVER DONE BEFORE, 1047 01:02:41,859 --> 01:02:45,060 SOMETHING THAT HAS ZERO ARTISTIC VALUE, 1048 01:02:45,062 --> 01:02:49,364 SOMETHING NOBODY WILL REMEMBER THREE MONTHS FROM NOW, 1049 01:02:49,366 --> 01:02:52,234 SOMETHING THAT'S OFFENSIVE, HOMOPHOBIC, 1050 01:02:52,236 --> 01:02:54,903 STARS HORRIFICALLY UNTALENTED PEOPLE, 1051 01:02:54,905 --> 01:02:57,005 AND SOMETHING THAT'S ONLY A BIG DEAL 1052 01:02:57,007 --> 01:03:00,542 TO A HANDFUL OF TEENAGE STONERS ON TWITTER. 1053 01:03:01,711 --> 01:03:07,349 NOW YOU MIGHT SAY, "BUT, JAMES, DIDN'T YOU JUST DESCRIBE 'YOUR HIGHNESS'?" 1054 01:03:08,017 --> 01:03:11,820 I WOULDN'T KNOW. I DIDN'T SEE "YOUR HIGHNESS." 1055 01:03:13,923 --> 01:03:16,324 AND YOU KNOW WHY I DIDN'T SEE "YOUR HIGHNESS"? 1056 01:03:16,326 --> 01:03:18,994 BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY WORKING, CREATING, 1057 01:03:18,996 --> 01:03:22,063 WRITING POETRY, PAINTING, MAKING INDEPENDENT FILMS 1058 01:03:22,065 --> 01:03:26,535 AND BUILDING PSYCHO-SEXUAL EDIBLE BIRDHOUSES. 1059 01:03:28,337 --> 01:03:32,274 AND DESPITE ALL OF MY AMAZING, INSPIRING WORK, 1060 01:03:32,276 --> 01:03:34,476 I'VE HAD TO SIT HERE, 1061 01:03:34,478 --> 01:03:37,846 LISTEN TO YOU GUYS LAUNCH VICIOUS ATTACKS AT ME, 1062 01:03:37,848 --> 01:03:42,284 AND ALL OF THEM ARE COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED. 1063 01:03:42,819 --> 01:03:46,288 YOU'RE GONNA SAY I SUCKED AT THE OSCARS. 1064 01:03:46,989 --> 01:03:49,758 I WAS A GENIUS 1065 01:03:49,760 --> 01:03:52,194 AT THE OSCARS. 1066 01:03:53,763 --> 01:03:57,799 THAT WAS EXPERIMENTAL TUXEDO-SLEEP-ART. 1067 01:04:03,105 --> 01:04:06,007 NOW YOU'RE GONNA SAY I'M A PRETTY BOY. 1068 01:04:06,009 --> 01:04:09,311 - ( cheers ) 1069 01:04:10,680 --> 01:04:14,216 - AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW PAINFUL THAT IS. 1070 01:04:14,650 --> 01:04:17,752 I'M ALWAYS TYPECAST AS THE SAME GUY-- 1071 01:04:17,754 --> 01:04:19,921 YOU KNOW, THE HANDSOME WIZARD 1072 01:04:19,923 --> 01:04:22,224 AND HANDSOME METH DEALER 1073 01:04:22,226 --> 01:04:26,361 AND THE HANDSOME CLUMSY AMPUTEE HIKER. 1074 01:04:31,133 --> 01:04:32,968 JUST ONCE I'D LIKE TO PLAY 1075 01:04:32,970 --> 01:04:37,239 SOME OF THE DIVERSE ROLES THAT NICK KROLL GETS, LIKE... 1076 01:04:37,241 --> 01:04:39,941 THE RAT-FACED ATTORNEY, 1077 01:04:39,943 --> 01:04:43,979 OR THE RAT-FACED MAITRE D', 1078 01:04:43,981 --> 01:04:48,250 OR THE RAT-FACED CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL DOCTOR. 1079 01:04:50,353 --> 01:04:52,721 AND YOU'RE GONNA SAY I'M EFFEMINATE 1080 01:04:52,723 --> 01:04:56,091 JUST BECAUSE I FEEL COMFORTABLE IN A FLOWING BALL GOWN. 1081 01:04:56,093 --> 01:04:59,227 I MEAN, IF I'M WEARING THE HIGH HEELS, 1082 01:04:59,229 --> 01:05:02,731 HOW AM I NOT GONNA WEAR A BEAUTIFUL GOWN? 1083 01:05:04,000 --> 01:05:07,035 AND I KNOW THAT I LOOK TERRIFIC AS A WOMAN. 1084 01:05:07,037 --> 01:05:09,271 AND I'M CERTAINLY DOING A BETTER JOB OF IT 1085 01:05:09,273 --> 01:05:13,275 THAN THAT GUY OVER THERE DRESSED AS SARAH SILVERMAN. 1086 01:05:16,812 --> 01:05:19,447 NOW SETH WAS REALLY HILARIOUS TONIGHT, 1087 01:05:19,449 --> 01:05:24,219 BUT THE JOKES SUGGESTING THAT I WAS GAY-- 1088 01:05:24,221 --> 01:05:26,888 COMING FROM YOU, SETH... 1089 01:05:28,190 --> 01:05:30,592 IT REALLY HURTS! BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME 1090 01:05:30,594 --> 01:05:33,561 OF THE TIME ON THE SET OF "PINEAPPLE EXPRESS" 1091 01:05:33,563 --> 01:05:36,898 WHEN SETH ROGEN TRIED TO RAPE ME. 1092 01:05:39,769 --> 01:05:42,604 FORCED HIS WAY INTO MY DRESSING ROOM, 1093 01:05:42,606 --> 01:05:45,373 BLEW POT SMOKE INTO MY MOUTH 1094 01:05:45,375 --> 01:05:50,612 P-- AND HE PINNED ME BENEATH HIS SWEATY, 1095 01:05:50,614 --> 01:05:52,747 HEAVING, SHLUBBY BODY. 1096 01:05:52,749 --> 01:05:57,986 LUCKILY HE WAS DISTRACTED BY THE SOUND OF AN ICE-CREAM TRUCK OUTSIDE... 1097 01:05:58,754 --> 01:06:01,356 AND I MANAGED TO BREAK FREE. 1098 01:06:01,724 --> 01:06:05,827 BUT, SETH, THE INCIDENT DID INSPIRE MY LATEST PAINTING ENTITLED 1099 01:06:05,829 --> 01:06:09,831 "SETH ROGEN IS A GAY STONER RAPIST." 1100 01:06:12,468 --> 01:06:14,769 NOW YOU SAY YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MY MOVIES? 1101 01:06:14,771 --> 01:06:16,805 WELL, I DON'T UNDERSTAND MY MOVIES. 1102 01:06:16,807 --> 01:06:18,907 IN "OZ," I WAS FOLLOWED AROUND THE WHOLE TIME 1103 01:06:18,909 --> 01:06:22,010 BY AN EXCITABLE LITTLE MONKEY DRESSED LIKE A BELLBOY. 1104 01:06:22,012 --> 01:06:24,879 WHY WAS HE DRESSED LIKE A BELLBOY? 1105 01:06:24,881 --> 01:06:26,681 WELL, WHAT AM I ASKING YOU FOR? 1106 01:06:26,683 --> 01:06:29,918 AZIZ, WHY WERE YOU DRESSED LIKE A BELLBOY? 1107 01:06:33,289 --> 01:06:35,890 ALL RIGHT, SO YOU GUYS THINK I'M PRETENTIOUS. 1108 01:06:35,892 --> 01:06:40,528 WELL, JAMES FRANCO ADDRESSED JAMES FRANCO BEING PRETENTIOUS 1109 01:06:40,530 --> 01:06:43,531 IN HIS BOOK "JAMES FRANCO." 1110 01:06:48,070 --> 01:06:52,140 BUT IT'S-- ( snickers ) BUT IT'S NOT JUST ME. 1111 01:06:53,042 --> 01:06:55,343 LOOK AT HOW FULL OF HIMSELF 1112 01:06:55,345 --> 01:06:59,381 JONAH'S BECOME SINCE HIS OSCAR NOMINATION. 1113 01:07:01,050 --> 01:07:02,584 DON'T FORGET WHERE YOU CAME FROM, PAL. 1114 01:07:02,586 --> 01:07:06,254 SURE, YOU'RE BUDDIES WITH BRAD PITT AND CHANNING TATUM, 1115 01:07:06,256 --> 01:07:11,192 BUT I WAS YOUR FIRST HANDSOME FRIEND. 1116 01:07:12,561 --> 01:07:16,564 BEFORE YOU GET TOO COCKY, REMEMBER, I WAS THERE IN "THIS IS THE END" 1117 01:07:16,566 --> 01:07:20,368 WHEN YOU WERE GETTING BRUTALLY ASS-RAMMED BY THAT DEMON. 1118 01:07:20,370 --> 01:07:24,039 WE BOTH KNOW THE ONLY WAY THE DEMON COULD KEEP HIS ERECTION 1119 01:07:24,041 --> 01:07:27,809 WAS BECAUSE HE WAS THINKING ABOUT ME. 1120 01:07:29,245 --> 01:07:31,880 SO ALL NIGHT I'VE HAD TO SIT HERE AND LISTEN TO EVERYONE'S JOKES, 1121 01:07:31,882 --> 01:07:37,552 PRETENDING TO BE AMUSED BY THEM, BUT IN REALITY THE JOKE'S ON ALL OF YOU. 1122 01:07:39,155 --> 01:07:41,756 THIS IS NOT A ROAST. 1123 01:07:41,758 --> 01:07:44,025 THIS IS MY GREATEST, 1124 01:07:44,027 --> 01:07:47,996 MOST ELABORATE ART INSTALLATION EVER. 1125 01:07:54,570 --> 01:07:56,738 I'M NOT THE REAL GUEST OF HONOR 1126 01:07:56,740 --> 01:07:58,473 AND THESE AREN'T REAL COMEDIANS 1127 01:07:58,475 --> 01:08:02,077 AND WE'RE NOT EVEN ON A REAL NETWORK. 1128 01:08:03,079 --> 01:08:06,748 WHAT YOU'VE SEEN TONIGHT WAS MY BRILLIANT OPUS-- 1129 01:08:06,750 --> 01:08:09,250 TO SEQUESTER AN ARTISTIC VISIONARY 1130 01:08:09,252 --> 01:08:11,953 AND SUBJECT HIM TO THE MINDLESS INCOHERENT TRASHINGS 1131 01:08:11,955 --> 01:08:16,958 OF A SCATTERING OF MISCREATED, TALENTLESS ABNORMALITIES. 1132 01:08:17,426 --> 01:08:20,862 I CALL IT "GENIUS UNSCATHED" 1133 01:08:20,864 --> 01:08:23,898 AND THIS IS MY MASTERPIECE. 1134 01:08:28,237 --> 01:08:31,873 THERE'S ONLY ONE THING MISSING... 1135 01:08:31,875 --> 01:08:34,843 MY SIGNATURE. 1136 01:08:47,590 --> 01:08:50,825 THAT SAYS, "JAMES FRANCO, BITCHES." 1137 01:08:53,629 --> 01:08:56,231 THANK YOU. GOOD NIGHT! 1138 01:08:57,032 --> 01:08:57,999 - � FRANCO, FRANCO 1139 01:08:58,001 --> 01:09:00,368 � FRA-FRA-FRANCO, JAMES FRANCO � 1140 01:09:00,370 --> 01:09:01,736 � JAMES FRANCO, FRANCO 1141 01:09:01,738 --> 01:09:04,239 � FRA-FRA-FRANCO, JAMES FRANCO... � 1142 01:09:04,241 --> 01:09:05,440 - THANKS, BROTHER. - YEAH. 1143 01:09:05,442 --> 01:09:06,908 - THANKS AGAIN. - GREAT JOB, BUDDY. 1144 01:09:06,910 --> 01:09:07,909 AWESOME, HILARIOUS. - THANK YOU. 1145 01:09:07,911 --> 01:09:10,678 - NOW I'M GOING TO BURNING MAN. - ARE YOU REALLY? 1146 01:09:10,680 --> 01:09:11,980 - YEAH. - GODDAMN IT. 1147 01:09:11,982 --> 01:09:13,715 GODDAMN IT, I ACTUALLY LOVE YOU. 1148 01:09:13,717 --> 01:09:15,250 - YOU'RE A REAL FRIEND. - YEAH, I AM, 1149 01:09:15,252 --> 01:09:17,785 AND I LOVE YOU. - THANK YOU FOR BEING A GOOD SPORT. 1150 01:09:17,787 --> 01:09:19,621 YOU'RE SO SWEET. - I LAUGHED A LOT, MAN. 1151 01:09:19,623 --> 01:09:20,788 - THAT WAS FUN, DUDE. - YOU GUYS WERE GREAT. 1152 01:09:20,790 --> 01:09:22,423 - ( kisses ) AH. - EVERYBODY WAS GOOD. 1153 01:09:22,425 --> 01:09:25,660 - THAT WAS AWESOME, MAN. YOU DID SUCH A GOOD JOB, MAN. 1154 01:09:25,662 --> 01:09:27,695 - YOU'RE SO GREAT, SARAH. THAT WAS SO FUNNY. 1155 01:09:27,697 --> 01:09:29,697 - YOU ARE TOO. IT WAS SO FUN. - YOU'RE SO AWESOME. 1156 01:09:29,699 --> 01:09:31,799 - IT WAS ONE OF THE BEST ROASTS I EVER SAW. 1157 01:09:31,801 --> 01:09:35,370 - I WANT THIS PICTURE. - A NIGHT TO REMEMBER. 1158 01:09:37,740 --> 01:09:38,506 - THANKS FOR COMING OUT. 1159 01:09:38,508 --> 01:09:39,741 - HEY, NO PROBLEM, BUDDY. - GREAT JOB, MAN. 1160 01:09:39,743 --> 01:09:43,178 - THANKS FOR COMING OUT. - YOU'RE A FUCKING GOOD SPORT FOR ALL OF THIS. 1161 01:09:43,180 --> 01:09:45,180 - THANK YOU, BROTHER. - THANKS, MAN. NO PROBLEM. 1162 01:09:45,182 --> 01:09:45,980 - YOU GUYS WERE GREAT. 1163 01:09:45,982 --> 01:09:47,348 YOU GUYS WERE GREAT. YOU GUYS WERE PROS. 1164 01:09:47,350 --> 01:09:50,451 YOU'RE A PRO, BROTHER. - EVERYONE WAS SOLID. 1165 01:09:50,453 --> 01:09:53,121 EVERYBODY WAS GREAT AND DIFFERENT. 1166 01:09:53,123 --> 01:09:54,255 - GOOD NIGHT, DARLINGS. 1167 01:09:54,257 --> 01:09:57,659 - THANK YOU SO MUCH, JAMES. THAT WAS FUN. BYE. 1168 01:09:57,661 --> 01:09:58,726 - GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. 1169 01:09:58,728 --> 01:09:58,759 - EVERYBODY WAS FUNNY. EVERYBODY TOOK IT WELL, AND... 117182