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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,373 --> 00:00:04,114 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,115 --> 00:00:07,648 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,649 --> 00:00:10,985 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:10,986 --> 00:00:13,988 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:13,989 --> 00:00:17,691 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,692 --> 00:00:20,894 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:20,895 --> 00:00:22,563 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,564 --> 00:00:24,098 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,099 --> 00:00:29,519 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 11 00:00:33,847 --> 00:00:35,344 (FOOD SIZZLING) 12 00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:38,115 Wow, you guys. 13 00:00:38,116 --> 00:00:40,155 I've never been to a restaurant where they cook 14 00:00:40,156 --> 00:00:41,623 right in front of you. 15 00:00:41,624 --> 00:00:43,725 Ugh. You know, later we're going to have to take 16 00:00:43,726 --> 00:00:45,894 one of those forced happiness family photos 17 00:00:45,895 --> 00:00:48,596 that come in the restaurant's tacky frame. 18 00:00:48,597 --> 00:00:51,800 Why are you so (BLEEP) negative all the time? 19 00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:55,503 I... uh... wha... I don't... uh, what? 20 00:00:55,504 --> 00:00:56,938 Come on, you guys, relax. 21 00:00:56,939 --> 00:00:58,239 Let's have a fun night. 22 00:00:58,240 --> 00:00:59,674 We haven't done anything as a family 23 00:00:59,675 --> 00:01:02,177 since we sat courtside at that NBA game. 24 00:01:02,178 --> 00:01:04,446 (SNEAKERS SQUEAKING ON COURT, CROWD GASPS) 25 00:01:04,447 --> 00:01:06,149 You okay? You guys, okay? 26 00:01:07,267 --> 00:01:08,616 Great seats. 27 00:01:08,617 --> 00:01:11,536 Yeah, it's a whole different game when you sit down here. 28 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:18,660 Huh, "samurai" or "geishas." 29 00:01:18,661 --> 00:01:19,894 Which one am I? 30 00:01:19,895 --> 00:01:21,913 I'll just wait till somebody else goes in. 31 00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:25,567 Well, that wasn't helpful. 32 00:01:25,568 --> 00:01:27,836 Hmm, this one's holding a fan. 33 00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:30,469 That's usually what I need when I'm done in a bathroom. 34 00:01:30,470 --> 00:01:32,207 Oop, no urinals. 35 00:01:32,208 --> 00:01:33,524 Must've guessed wrong. 36 00:01:35,995 --> 00:01:37,779 Wow, look at this place. 37 00:01:37,780 --> 00:01:40,348 There's candles, hand lotion. 38 00:01:40,349 --> 00:01:42,283 Whoa, there's not even any swastikas 39 00:01:42,284 --> 00:01:43,785 carved into the toilet seat. 40 00:01:43,786 --> 00:01:45,587 And it's so peaceful. 41 00:01:45,588 --> 00:01:47,222 I haven't heard a guy's booming fart 42 00:01:47,223 --> 00:01:48,823 the whole time I've been in here. 43 00:01:48,824 --> 00:01:51,526 I feel more relaxed than a chick on Facebook 44 00:01:51,527 --> 00:01:53,678 with her legs in front of a pool. 45 00:01:54,579 --> 00:01:56,379 - (NOTIFICATIONS BEEPING) - _ 46 00:01:56,846 --> 00:01:58,846 _ 47 00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:01,153 _ 48 00:02:06,426 --> 00:02:08,109 All right, Lois, I'm off to the mall. 49 00:02:08,110 --> 00:02:09,544 I'll be back in about 20 minutes. 50 00:02:09,545 --> 00:02:10,845 Oh, what are you gonna buy? 51 00:02:10,846 --> 00:02:13,047 Nothing. After the other night, I made a decision: 52 00:02:13,048 --> 00:02:15,817 from now on, I'm only using women's restrooms. 53 00:02:15,818 --> 00:02:17,819 What? You can't do that. You're a man. 54 00:02:17,820 --> 00:02:18,987 You'll get in trouble. 55 00:02:18,988 --> 00:02:20,388 Oh, I got that covered. 56 00:02:20,389 --> 00:02:21,756 I'm going to Anthropologie. 57 00:02:21,757 --> 00:02:23,491 I'll just ask them for something so ridiculous, 58 00:02:23,492 --> 00:02:25,460 they'll have to check in the back for it. 59 00:02:25,461 --> 00:02:28,163 And then I'll sneak into their ladies' room. 60 00:02:28,164 --> 00:02:30,598 Yes, I'd like a $4,000 ping-pong table 61 00:02:30,599 --> 00:02:32,066 that's shaped like Easter Islan 62 00:02:32,067 --> 00:02:33,518 We have one right over there. 63 00:02:34,347 --> 00:02:36,347 _ 64 00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:38,139 Okay. 65 00:02:38,140 --> 00:02:40,575 How about a telephone that's made of vintage phone book paper 66 00:02:40,576 --> 00:02:43,678 and doesn't make or receive phone calls or work in any way? 67 00:02:43,679 --> 00:02:45,698 You mean like this one right here? 68 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,663 _ 69 00:02:47,664 --> 00:02:49,817 - Right, but what if I wanted... - Sir, sir? 70 00:02:49,818 --> 00:02:51,286 There's nothing you can possibly imagine 71 00:02:51,287 --> 00:02:53,454 that's strange or useless enough that we don't have it 72 00:02:53,455 --> 00:02:54,689 here at Anthropologie. 73 00:02:54,690 --> 00:02:57,859 I know one thing you don't have, black customers. 74 00:02:57,860 --> 00:03:00,195 Ah! I'm melting! 75 00:03:00,196 --> 00:03:02,346 Ha-ha! To the ladies' room! 76 00:03:10,884 --> 00:03:13,151 Wow, this is the nicest one yet. 77 00:03:13,152 --> 00:03:14,514 _ 78 00:03:14,515 --> 00:03:16,908 Eh, what are the odds she's gonna show up? 79 00:03:18,912 --> 00:03:20,228 (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) 80 00:03:20,229 --> 00:03:21,979 (WOMAN CLEARS THROAT) 81 00:03:24,184 --> 00:03:26,901 Did you get your ass kicked by Meryl Streep? 82 00:03:26,902 --> 00:03:29,070 No, it was just some low-class cockney woman 83 00:03:29,071 --> 00:03:31,439 from the mid-1800s and... (GASPS) 84 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:34,075 Bravo! 85 00:03:34,076 --> 00:03:36,369 She is amazing. 86 00:03:36,370 --> 00:03:37,676 (MERYL STREEP'S VOICE): Thank you. 87 00:03:39,065 --> 00:03:40,849 Stay out of my crapper. 88 00:03:40,850 --> 00:03:43,017 (APPLAUSE) 89 00:03:43,018 --> 00:03:45,086 And the Oscar goes to... 90 00:03:45,087 --> 00:03:48,523 Meryl Streep, for Stay Out of My Crapper. 91 00:03:48,524 --> 00:03:50,508 (TRIUMPHANT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) 92 00:03:54,180 --> 00:03:56,414 (APPLAUSE) 93 00:03:58,151 --> 00:04:00,568 Ah, the ladies' room at Wimbledon. 94 00:04:00,569 --> 00:04:03,304 This must be the fanciest bathroom in the world. 95 00:04:03,305 --> 00:04:05,173 Uh-oh, looks like these are in use. 96 00:04:05,174 --> 00:04:07,892 (WOMEN GRUNTING BACK AND FORTH) 97 00:04:09,896 --> 00:04:11,179 (GRUNTS LOUDLY) 98 00:04:11,180 --> 00:04:12,513 (APPLAUSE) 99 00:04:13,112 --> 00:04:14,665 Deuce. 100 00:04:19,739 --> 00:04:23,608 Hey, uh, don't tell Mom that we don't use car seats with me. 101 00:04:26,146 --> 00:04:27,929 Unhand me! What do you think you're doing?! 102 00:04:27,930 --> 00:04:30,932 Okay, Stewie, you're gonna help Daddy by holding his iPad 103 00:04:30,933 --> 00:04:34,435 while he watches season one of House of Cards. 104 00:04:34,436 --> 00:04:36,454 (HOUSE OF CARDS THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 105 00:04:39,025 --> 00:04:40,948 Wh... where was the house? 106 00:04:40,949 --> 00:04:42,477 Where was the house of cards? 107 00:04:42,478 --> 00:04:44,612 All right, Stewie, time to go. 108 00:04:44,613 --> 00:04:47,593 Whoa, whoa. (CHUCKLES) A little wobbly. 109 00:04:47,594 --> 00:04:49,017 Guess my legs fell asleep. 110 00:04:49,018 --> 00:04:50,185 (YELLS) 111 00:04:50,186 --> 00:04:51,753 Aah! 112 00:04:51,754 --> 00:04:54,756 Stewie, Daddy can't feel his legs. Go get help! 113 00:04:54,757 --> 00:04:57,192 I'm hanging from a door, you idiot! 114 00:04:57,193 --> 00:04:58,560 (YELLS) 115 00:04:58,561 --> 00:05:00,228 (GRUNTS) 116 00:05:00,229 --> 00:05:03,198 By the way, you're down to five percent battery. 117 00:05:03,199 --> 00:05:05,833 Oh, damn it, my head. 118 00:05:05,834 --> 00:05:08,203 Well, no wonder... you're running all the apps at once. 119 00:05:08,204 --> 00:05:09,604 (GROANS) 120 00:05:09,605 --> 00:05:12,523 MAN: Sir? Sir, can you hear me? 121 00:05:14,594 --> 00:05:16,010 There he is. 122 00:05:16,011 --> 00:05:17,579 Welcome back, buddy. 123 00:05:17,580 --> 00:05:19,681 - Who are you? - I'm a paramedic. 124 00:05:19,682 --> 00:05:21,149 Name's Stryker Foxx. 125 00:05:21,150 --> 00:05:22,283 (BELL CHIMES) 126 00:05:22,284 --> 00:05:23,751 Oh, Lois just texted. 127 00:05:23,752 --> 00:05:25,968 "Burgers or meatballs for dinner?" 128 00:05:25,969 --> 00:05:27,487 I'll text back for you. 129 00:05:27,488 --> 00:05:31,426 "Same thing, bitch. Just different shapes." 130 00:05:31,427 --> 00:05:32,894 (IPAD CHIMING RAPIDLY) 131 00:05:32,895 --> 00:05:34,762 (CHUCKLES): Oh, this is gonna be fun. 132 00:05:34,763 --> 00:05:36,331 Oh, battery died. 133 00:05:36,332 --> 00:05:38,266 Sir, you've sustained a head injury. 134 00:05:38,267 --> 00:05:41,269 How many chicken fingers am I holding up, and do you want one? 135 00:05:41,270 --> 00:05:43,705 Three, and hell yeah! 136 00:05:43,706 --> 00:05:46,107 Mmm. Aw. These are amazing! 137 00:05:46,108 --> 00:05:47,775 Did I die and go to heaven? 138 00:05:47,776 --> 00:05:49,666 Well, you didn't die, 'cause I saved you. 139 00:05:49,667 --> 00:05:51,813 And you're not in heaven 'cause you're not holding a margarita. 140 00:05:51,814 --> 00:05:53,887 Oh, wait a minute, yes, you are. 141 00:05:53,888 --> 00:05:55,955 You brought a lot of food in the bathroom. 142 00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:57,475 I always do. 143 00:05:58,671 --> 00:06:00,154 Oh, my God. 144 00:06:00,155 --> 00:06:02,123 Are you the coolest guy ever? 145 00:06:02,124 --> 00:06:04,158 Ah, that's just a silly title they gave me 146 00:06:04,159 --> 00:06:06,027 down at the Karate Paintball Dirt Bike Club. 147 00:06:06,028 --> 00:06:07,128 Awesome! 148 00:06:07,129 --> 00:06:08,696 Okay, well, bandaged you up. 149 00:06:08,697 --> 00:06:10,431 You should be good to go. 150 00:06:10,432 --> 00:06:12,567 But just be more careful next time. 151 00:06:12,568 --> 00:06:14,102 I know. What a stupid injury, huh? 152 00:06:14,103 --> 00:06:15,436 I haven't been this embarrassed 153 00:06:15,437 --> 00:06:17,572 since I was a rookie firefighter. 154 00:06:17,573 --> 00:06:19,590 (ALARM RINGING) 155 00:06:22,629 --> 00:06:25,163 PETER: Sorry, first day. Still learning. 156 00:06:29,669 --> 00:06:31,152 Hey, Stryker, wait! 157 00:06:31,153 --> 00:06:33,121 Hey, listen, I just wanted to say thanks again 158 00:06:33,122 --> 00:06:34,318 for patching me up. 159 00:06:34,319 --> 00:06:35,356 No problem, buddy. 160 00:06:35,357 --> 00:06:37,925 Hey, that's an interesting necklace you got there. 161 00:06:37,926 --> 00:06:39,794 Oh, this? It's from when I was a kid. 162 00:06:39,795 --> 00:06:41,596 It's half of a "best friend" coin. 163 00:06:41,597 --> 00:06:43,097 I always had this crazy dream 164 00:06:43,098 --> 00:06:45,816 that one day I'd run into the guy with the other half. 165 00:06:50,156 --> 00:06:52,700 Oh, my God. Cody? 166 00:06:52,701 --> 00:06:56,040 Oh, that must be the name of the dead surfer I found this on. 167 00:07:00,609 --> 00:07:02,426 TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to the Olympics. 168 00:07:02,427 --> 00:07:03,794 Ugh, it's so annoying. 169 00:07:03,795 --> 00:07:05,229 They always use football announcers 170 00:07:05,230 --> 00:07:07,331 for events they know nothing about. 171 00:07:07,332 --> 00:07:09,433 ANNOUNCER: The players are ready to take the swimming field. 172 00:07:09,434 --> 00:07:10,434 (ALARM BUZZES) 173 00:07:10,435 --> 00:07:11,835 And they're swimming! 174 00:07:11,836 --> 00:07:13,537 They appear to be doing the forward stroke. 175 00:07:13,538 --> 00:07:14,872 My neighbor has a pool. 176 00:07:14,873 --> 00:07:17,374 I'll take a dip if I know they're on vacation. 177 00:07:17,375 --> 00:07:19,810 It's neck-and-neck, and it looks like Canada won! 178 00:07:19,811 --> 00:07:21,995 Uh, no, they're going back the other way. 179 00:07:23,032 --> 00:07:24,782 What do you think? How do I look? 180 00:07:24,783 --> 00:07:26,383 Like a gas station energy drink. 181 00:07:26,384 --> 00:07:28,619 But you put that on to go to the Clam? 182 00:07:28,620 --> 00:07:30,888 Aren't the guys gonna think you're a little overdressed? 183 00:07:30,889 --> 00:07:32,511 Oh, I'm not hanging out with the guys. 184 00:07:32,512 --> 00:07:33,831 I met someone new. 185 00:07:33,832 --> 00:07:36,260 His name's Stryker and he's really cool. 186 00:07:36,261 --> 00:07:38,629 Like, he's one of those guys whose forearm hair 187 00:07:38,630 --> 00:07:40,664 makes his watch look even cooler. 188 00:07:40,665 --> 00:07:41,999 (PHONE RINGING) 189 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,333 (GASPS) It's Stryker! 190 00:07:43,334 --> 00:07:46,070 I want him to think I was listening to a cool song. 191 00:07:46,071 --> 00:07:47,538 ♪ Pump up the jam... ♪ 192 00:07:47,539 --> 00:07:48,672 Yeah, who dis? 193 00:07:48,673 --> 00:07:49,807 Oh, hey, man. 194 00:07:49,808 --> 00:07:51,675 Oh, nothing much. Just getting slurped. 195 00:07:51,676 --> 00:07:53,577 - Ew. - Oh, you're almost here? 196 00:07:53,578 --> 00:07:55,379 Okay, just, uh, just give me a second 197 00:07:55,380 --> 00:07:57,681 so I can put away all my guitars. 198 00:07:57,682 --> 00:07:59,349 Okay, Seacrest out. Bye. 199 00:07:59,350 --> 00:08:00,350 (MUSIC STOPS) 200 00:08:00,351 --> 00:08:01,718 What the hell was that? 201 00:08:01,719 --> 00:08:03,053 Lay off. Nothing. 202 00:08:03,054 --> 00:08:04,471 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 203 00:08:05,466 --> 00:08:06,583 Hey, Peter. 204 00:08:06,584 --> 00:08:08,071 Hey, man. 205 00:08:08,072 --> 00:08:09,758 Hola, cha-cha, hi-hi. 206 00:08:09,759 --> 00:08:11,662 - Peter! - I don't know. It's-it's this house. 207 00:08:11,663 --> 00:08:13,797 I-I got to get out of this house. 208 00:08:13,798 --> 00:08:15,899 Boy, Dad sure seems excited. 209 00:08:15,900 --> 00:08:17,601 I know. I haven't seen him this giddy 210 00:08:17,602 --> 00:08:20,771 since he discovered that single-loop roller coaster. 211 00:08:20,772 --> 00:08:21,772 (GIGGLES) 212 00:08:21,773 --> 00:08:23,807 Ah... 213 00:08:23,808 --> 00:08:24,808 (GIGGLES) 214 00:08:24,809 --> 00:08:26,877 Ah... 215 00:08:26,878 --> 00:08:27,878 (GIGGLES) 216 00:08:27,879 --> 00:08:29,213 Ah... 217 00:08:29,214 --> 00:08:30,414 Uh, don't feel so good. 218 00:08:30,415 --> 00:08:31,915 (RETCHES) Ew! 219 00:08:31,916 --> 00:08:33,717 Ah... 220 00:08:33,718 --> 00:08:34,985 (RETCHES) Ew! 221 00:08:34,986 --> 00:08:36,687 Ah... 222 00:08:36,688 --> 00:08:38,572 (RETCHES) Ew! 223 00:08:43,045 --> 00:08:45,596 ♪ ♪ 224 00:08:45,597 --> 00:08:47,498 Wow, what a cool loft. 225 00:08:47,499 --> 00:08:50,701 I bet it cost a ton to make this place look unfinished. 226 00:08:50,702 --> 00:08:52,336 Hey, come over here. There's someone I want 227 00:08:52,337 --> 00:08:55,873 to introduce you to, 1997 George Clooney. 228 00:08:55,874 --> 00:08:58,842 Wow! That's the coolest George Clooney there is! 229 00:08:58,843 --> 00:09:01,578 Hi, George Clooney, second worst Batman. 230 00:09:01,579 --> 00:09:03,113 Peter Griffin, second best Homer. 231 00:09:03,114 --> 00:09:04,882 You may have heard, I'm also known 232 00:09:04,883 --> 00:09:06,884 for my practical jokes on the set. 233 00:09:06,885 --> 00:09:09,887 One time, I nailed Nora Dunn in the head with an apple. 234 00:09:09,888 --> 00:09:12,422 (LAUGHS): That-that's hilarious 'cause you're handsome. 235 00:09:12,423 --> 00:09:15,192 Otherwise, you're just some dick who hit a lady. 236 00:09:15,193 --> 00:09:16,960 Aw, thanks for bringing me here, Stryker. 237 00:09:16,961 --> 00:09:18,328 I'm having the best time ever. 238 00:09:18,329 --> 00:09:20,747 Even better than when I lived in Santa Fe. 239 00:09:22,518 --> 00:09:24,902 Have you ever seen a prettier sunset? 240 00:09:24,903 --> 00:09:25,903 Never. 241 00:09:25,904 --> 00:09:27,804 It's just so peaceful here. 242 00:09:27,805 --> 00:09:29,106 It sure is. 243 00:09:29,107 --> 00:09:31,041 Mm. Sure is. 244 00:09:31,042 --> 00:09:34,683 Did you also have a very public meltdown in another city? 245 00:09:34,684 --> 00:09:37,863 - I did. - Yeah. Yeah. 246 00:09:42,571 --> 00:09:44,638 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 247 00:09:47,509 --> 00:09:48,892 Ugh, it's the guys. 248 00:09:48,893 --> 00:09:50,327 What do those losers want? 249 00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:52,396 Losers? Those are your friends. 250 00:09:52,397 --> 00:09:53,530 Nah, they're lame. 251 00:09:53,531 --> 00:09:56,266 Not one of them has ever vaped at a funeral. 252 00:09:56,267 --> 00:09:58,368 Hey, Peter. Hey, what are you doing tonight? 253 00:09:58,369 --> 00:09:59,603 We're gonna watch Cleveland 254 00:09:59,604 --> 00:10:02,105 put a garbage can full of coins in a Coinstar. 255 00:10:02,106 --> 00:10:04,541 Sometimes it takes my buttons. 256 00:10:04,542 --> 00:10:06,610 Eh, thanks, guys, but I-I can't make it. 257 00:10:06,611 --> 00:10:08,912 I'm, um, I'm getting re-circumcised. 258 00:10:08,913 --> 00:10:10,497 Got a wedding next week. 259 00:10:10,498 --> 00:10:12,049 I just want to clean it up a bit. 260 00:10:12,050 --> 00:10:13,784 Oh, well, that's too bad. Yeah, maybe next time. 261 00:10:13,785 --> 00:10:15,358 That sounds horrible. 262 00:10:15,954 --> 00:10:18,055 Peter, why did you just lie to the guys? 263 00:10:18,056 --> 00:10:19,878 'Cause I got plans with Stryker. 264 00:10:19,879 --> 00:10:21,325 I don't want them to embarrass me. 265 00:10:21,326 --> 00:10:22,893 Eh, I get where he's coming from. 266 00:10:22,894 --> 00:10:25,062 That's why I never introduce you to my friends. 267 00:10:25,063 --> 00:10:26,163 What friends? 268 00:10:26,164 --> 00:10:28,632 Like the guys in my photography club. 269 00:10:28,633 --> 00:10:31,001 "Dear Gary Glitter, Jeffrey Jones 270 00:10:31,002 --> 00:10:32,703 and Jared from Subway, 271 00:10:32,704 --> 00:10:35,305 I feel like I'm the only one sending pics. 272 00:10:35,306 --> 00:10:37,307 I love all the positive feedback, 273 00:10:37,308 --> 00:10:39,243 but maybe you guys send a pic? 274 00:10:39,244 --> 00:10:41,161 Anyway, here's more pics." 275 00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:46,766 ♪ ♪ 276 00:10:48,770 --> 00:10:50,854 Hey, you ever try that? Wingsuiting? 277 00:10:50,855 --> 00:10:52,289 I mean, basically, yeah. 278 00:10:52,290 --> 00:10:54,057 One time, I jumped off a top bunk 279 00:10:54,058 --> 00:10:56,126 with a towel around my neck like a cape. 280 00:10:56,127 --> 00:10:57,761 It was inside the IKEA. 281 00:10:57,762 --> 00:10:59,529 I landed on a cardboard computer. 282 00:10:59,530 --> 00:11:01,531 We should totally do that sometime. 283 00:11:01,532 --> 00:11:02,933 Nah, I can't go back there. 284 00:11:02,934 --> 00:11:04,517 They got my picture by the door. 285 00:11:06,388 --> 00:11:07,871 Hey, he is in here. 286 00:11:07,872 --> 00:11:10,040 What the hell are you guys doing here? 287 00:11:10,041 --> 00:11:11,708 We were coming back from the Coinstar 288 00:11:11,709 --> 00:11:13,343 and saw your car out front. 289 00:11:13,344 --> 00:11:16,146 Rough night. Turns out the can was all buttons. 290 00:11:16,147 --> 00:11:18,109 We're not gonna make our mortgage. 291 00:11:18,110 --> 00:11:19,342 What are you doing here? 292 00:11:19,343 --> 00:11:20,984 I thought you were too busy to go out tonight. 293 00:11:20,985 --> 00:11:22,386 Peter, who are your friends? 294 00:11:22,387 --> 00:11:27,291 Oh, um... Stryker, this is Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland. 295 00:11:27,292 --> 00:11:28,692 How do you two know each other? 296 00:11:28,693 --> 00:11:30,494 Did you meet at the Harry Potter store? 297 00:11:30,495 --> 00:11:31,928 Peter loves that place. 298 00:11:31,929 --> 00:11:34,698 It was one wand and I was using a gift certificate. 299 00:11:34,699 --> 00:11:37,267 No, we actually met when I was administering first aid to him. 300 00:11:37,268 --> 00:11:39,269 - I'm a paramedic. - For real? 301 00:11:39,270 --> 00:11:41,905 Hey, can I show you seven or eight things on my body 302 00:11:41,906 --> 00:11:44,107 and ask for medical diagnosises? 303 00:11:44,108 --> 00:11:46,209 This thing here that looks like a second elbow, 304 00:11:46,210 --> 00:11:47,678 I don't know what it is. 305 00:11:47,679 --> 00:11:49,212 Feels like it's filled with liquid. 306 00:11:49,213 --> 00:11:51,114 Well, I could take a look at it. 307 00:11:51,115 --> 00:11:53,083 No, no, no, guys, guys, it's his night off. 308 00:11:53,084 --> 00:11:54,217 I have two pee holes. 309 00:11:54,218 --> 00:11:56,219 Stop it! Stop it. Guys, can I talk to you? 310 00:11:56,220 --> 00:11:58,597 Look, this, this right here 311 00:11:58,598 --> 00:12:00,223 is exactly why I've been avoiding you. 312 00:12:00,224 --> 00:12:02,359 I knew you'd embarrass me in front of Stryker. 313 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:03,960 Who cares? He's just some dude. 314 00:12:03,961 --> 00:12:05,919 He's not "just some dude." 315 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,608 He happens to be the first really cool friend 316 00:12:07,609 --> 00:12:08,810 I've ever had. 317 00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:10,641 What are you talking about? We're cool. 318 00:12:10,642 --> 00:12:12,244 You are absolutely not cool. 319 00:12:12,245 --> 00:12:13,613 Oh, yeah? 320 00:12:13,614 --> 00:12:15,882 Well, then why did those teenagers on the way in say, 321 00:12:15,883 --> 00:12:17,383 "Cool wheelchair, dick"? 322 00:12:17,384 --> 00:12:19,185 Hey, look, Peter, if you're so embarrassed by us 323 00:12:19,186 --> 00:12:20,553 and you think we're losers, 324 00:12:20,554 --> 00:12:22,355 well, then we don't want to hang out with you, either. 325 00:12:22,356 --> 00:12:24,591 Good. Who needs you bums? I got Stryker. 326 00:12:24,592 --> 00:12:25,758 Oh, yeah? 327 00:12:25,759 --> 00:12:28,928 Well, I hope you two are happy together, you jerk. 328 00:12:28,929 --> 00:12:30,964 BOY: Cool wheelchair, dick. 329 00:12:30,965 --> 00:12:33,236 JOE: Thanks. Did you see the backpack hanging off it? 330 00:12:46,264 --> 00:12:47,480 Wow, you know, 331 00:12:47,481 --> 00:12:49,215 I never thought I could be talked into wingsuiting. 332 00:12:49,216 --> 00:12:50,368 You're gonna love it. 333 00:12:50,369 --> 00:12:52,452 It's just a short hike from here to the summit. 334 00:12:52,453 --> 00:12:54,554 A hike? It's no problem. 335 00:12:54,555 --> 00:12:57,056 Shouldn't affect my old football injury. 336 00:12:57,057 --> 00:12:58,791 I spilled hot chili on my nuts. 337 00:12:58,792 --> 00:13:00,493 You're a riot, Peter. 338 00:13:00,494 --> 00:13:02,729 Hey, you sure you're up for this? 339 00:13:02,730 --> 00:13:05,899 Oh, hell yeah. When I commit to something, I go all the way, 340 00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:08,401 like when I had Kathleen Turner's voice. 341 00:13:08,402 --> 00:13:10,703 (KATHLEEN TURNER'S VOICE): Good morning, guys. 342 00:13:10,704 --> 00:13:12,438 Peter, what's wrong with your voice? 343 00:13:12,439 --> 00:13:14,841 I got punched in the throat at the Clam last night. 344 00:13:14,842 --> 00:13:17,577 Now I sound exactly like Kathleen Turner. 345 00:13:17,578 --> 00:13:19,712 I'm just gonna get my stromboli. 346 00:13:19,713 --> 00:13:22,515 Hey! Get away from my stromboli, Kathleen Turner! 347 00:13:22,516 --> 00:13:23,800 (SHOUTS) 348 00:13:23,801 --> 00:13:26,902 _ 349 00:13:26,903 --> 00:13:30,003 _ 350 00:13:34,846 --> 00:13:38,197 Wow, that's, uh... that's some view. 351 00:13:38,198 --> 00:13:39,299 I know, isn't it? 352 00:13:39,300 --> 00:13:41,100 You see that rock formation over there? 353 00:13:41,101 --> 00:13:43,503 We're gonna fly right through the center of it. 354 00:13:43,504 --> 00:13:45,138 It's called threading the needle. 355 00:13:45,139 --> 00:13:46,639 Totally intense. 356 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,108 Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah. Or-or how about this? 357 00:13:49,109 --> 00:13:51,044 Maybe you jump off this cliff 358 00:13:51,045 --> 00:13:54,047 and I spin around over there and sing Sound of Music. 359 00:13:54,048 --> 00:13:56,482 Or-or we could just go home and watch Sound of Music. 360 00:13:56,483 --> 00:13:58,184 I can see you're a little nervous, Peter, 361 00:13:58,185 --> 00:14:00,320 but I'm telling you, it is easier than you think. 362 00:14:00,321 --> 00:14:02,071 Watch. 363 00:14:03,074 --> 00:14:04,874 ♪ ♪ 364 00:14:15,353 --> 00:14:17,570 Wow, look at him go. 365 00:14:17,571 --> 00:14:18,905 You know, just when I thought 366 00:14:18,906 --> 00:14:21,841 he couldn't get any cooler, he goes... (BLEEP) 367 00:14:21,842 --> 00:14:23,776 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 368 00:14:23,777 --> 00:14:26,779 Oh! What-what just... There's almost nothing left of him! 369 00:14:26,780 --> 00:14:29,015 And I just know I'm gonna be the one 370 00:14:29,016 --> 00:14:30,733 to have to intify the body. 371 00:14:32,770 --> 00:14:36,022 (CRYING): That's him. Poor guy. 372 00:14:36,023 --> 00:14:38,024 He looks like a bowl of tomato soup. 373 00:14:38,025 --> 00:14:39,926 Guy next to him died in a fire 374 00:14:39,927 --> 00:14:42,862 He looks like a grilled cheese sandwich. 375 00:14:42,863 --> 00:14:46,432 Oh, these two poor souls are the best combination 376 00:14:46,433 --> 00:14:47,717 for a rainy Saturday. 377 00:14:53,737 --> 00:14:55,771 So, hey, guys. 378 00:14:55,772 --> 00:14:57,871 What are we drinking? Beer? 379 00:14:57,872 --> 00:15:01,007 Hey, Quagmire, how about one of your famous sexual stories? 380 00:15:01,008 --> 00:15:02,242 Take a hike, Peter. 381 00:15:02,243 --> 00:15:04,411 Ah, oh, you-you mean something Joe can't do? 382 00:15:04,412 --> 00:15:05,479 (LAUGHS) 383 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:07,581 Friendly jokes indicating closeness. 384 00:15:07,582 --> 00:15:09,282 We heard about Stryker dying. 385 00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:10,384 Ah, craps. 386 00:15:10,385 --> 00:15:11,585 Yeah, give it up. 387 00:15:11,586 --> 00:15:13,286 We know the only reason you're here 388 00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:15,389 is 'cause your cool friend is gone. 389 00:15:15,390 --> 00:15:17,624 That's right. We're not your floppy seconds, Peter. 390 00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:18,692 It's actually "sloppy." 391 00:15:18,693 --> 00:15:19,993 Well, for me, it's both. 392 00:15:19,994 --> 00:15:21,561 But listen, you really hurt our feelings. 393 00:15:21,562 --> 00:15:23,730 You can't just treat us like garbage and then expect us 394 00:15:23,731 --> 00:15:25,532 to take you back like nothing happened. 395 00:15:25,533 --> 00:15:28,368 Okay, that's-that's too bad 'cause that was kind of my plan. 396 00:15:28,369 --> 00:15:29,736 Well, you can go to hell, Peter. 397 00:15:29,737 --> 00:15:31,638 We're tired of you taking us for granted. 398 00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:33,140 Yeah, and this isn't even the first time 399 00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:34,708 you ditched us for someone else. 400 00:15:34,709 --> 00:15:35,942 Remember when you blew us off 401 00:15:35,943 --> 00:15:37,927 to hang out with Jerry Seinfeld? 402 00:15:40,031 --> 00:15:42,816 Julia Louis-Dreyfus has a lot of Emmys now. 403 00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:44,834 Yeah. 404 00:15:47,645 --> 00:15:50,229 Why did your wife steal that cookbook? 405 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:58,098 Peter, I'm sorry about your friend Stryker. 406 00:15:58,099 --> 00:16:00,600 I know it's got to be hard to watch a man explode 407 00:16:00,601 --> 00:16:02,235 like a bug on a windshield. 408 00:16:02,236 --> 00:16:03,537 No, it's not that... 409 00:16:03,538 --> 00:16:06,006 I mean, I do see that every time I close my eyes... 410 00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:07,574 But it's the guys. 411 00:16:07,575 --> 00:16:09,443 They're really mad at me, and I'm-I'm afraid 412 00:16:09,444 --> 00:16:11,478 they don't want to be friends with me anymore. 413 00:16:11,479 --> 00:16:13,079 Well, it's hard to blame them. 414 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,649 You treated them like you don't even care about them. 415 00:16:15,650 --> 00:16:17,584 I do care about them. 416 00:16:17,585 --> 00:16:20,454 It's just, when I hung around with Stryker, 417 00:16:20,455 --> 00:16:23,523 people thought I was cool, and it-it felt good. 418 00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:25,692 No one ever thinks I'm cool. 419 00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:29,196 Your friends thought you were cool, until you dumped them. 420 00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:32,065 Oh, wow, I guess you're right. 421 00:16:32,066 --> 00:16:34,534 I treated them like crap. 422 00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:37,170 I just got to find a way to make it up to them. 423 00:16:37,171 --> 00:16:38,371 You got any ideas? 424 00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:41,341 Mom? Dad? Can Gary Glitter, Jeffrey Jones 425 00:16:41,342 --> 00:16:43,526 and Jared from Subway spend the night? 426 00:16:45,363 --> 00:16:46,546 I don't know, Peter, 427 00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:48,348 but it's got to be something really meaningful, 428 00:16:48,349 --> 00:16:50,016 because imagine how they feel. 429 00:16:50,017 --> 00:16:53,286 After all, you were willing to jump off a cliff for Stryker. 430 00:16:53,287 --> 00:16:55,689 Well, they didn't say yes, but they didn't say no. 431 00:16:55,690 --> 00:16:57,257 You're right. 432 00:16:57,258 --> 00:16:58,558 Thanks, Lois. 433 00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:02,145 And now I know exactly what I have to do. 434 00:17:03,982 --> 00:17:05,499 Uh, where the hell are you going? 435 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:07,434 Lois told me to go jump off a cliff 436 00:17:07,435 --> 00:17:09,069 to prove my friendship to the guys. 437 00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:11,738 Are-are you, are you sure that's what she said? 438 00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:13,740 I-I don't know, Brian. Her shirt was kind of open. 439 00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:15,408 I was trying to get a peek down there. 440 00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:17,527 Anyway, I got to go jump off a cliff. 441 00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:23,804 Peter, wait. H-Hold on. This is crazy! 442 00:17:24,519 --> 00:17:25,519 Damn it. 443 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,020 Where's Peter going? 444 00:17:27,021 --> 00:17:28,244 Huh? 445 00:17:28,856 --> 00:17:31,040 Oh, for God's sake. 446 00:17:37,916 --> 00:17:40,467 Hey, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe. 447 00:17:40,468 --> 00:17:43,904 It's your buddy, Peter, and I'm about to thread the needle 448 00:17:43,905 --> 00:17:46,172 to prove to you guys how sorry I am 449 00:17:46,173 --> 00:17:48,542 and that I'd do anything to win you back. 450 00:17:48,543 --> 00:17:50,810 And if something goes wrong and I don't survive, 451 00:17:50,811 --> 00:17:52,178 you can go ahead and delete 452 00:17:52,179 --> 00:17:54,281 the Kennedy Center Honors from my DVR. 453 00:17:54,282 --> 00:17:55,782 I'm-I'm never gonna watch that. 454 00:17:55,783 --> 00:17:58,151 Okay, here goes nothing. 455 00:17:58,152 --> 00:18:01,538 I just wish the sponsor on msuit was a little cooler. 456 00:18:03,475 --> 00:18:05,375 ♪ ♪ 457 00:18:09,481 --> 00:18:10,830 CLEVELAND: Peter, stop! 458 00:18:10,831 --> 00:18:12,065 Don't jump! 459 00:18:12,066 --> 00:18:13,300 Brian told us you were gonna... 460 00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:14,801 Why are you wearing a douche suit? 461 00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:16,136 They also make wipes! 462 00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:17,637 They're not known for their wipes. 463 00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:19,406 Peter, you don't have to jump off a cliff 464 00:18:19,407 --> 00:18:20,640 to prove you're sorry. 465 00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:22,809 Not all of us believe that, but we took a vote 466 00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,744 and I agreed I'd respect the majority. 467 00:18:24,745 --> 00:18:26,346 Look, you really treated us badly, 468 00:18:26,347 --> 00:18:27,847 but the fact that you'd be willing 469 00:18:27,848 --> 00:18:31,184 to literally risk your life just to show us how much you care, 470 00:18:31,185 --> 00:18:33,420 well, that says a lot. 471 00:18:33,421 --> 00:18:36,089 Listen, I'm so sorry. 472 00:18:36,090 --> 00:18:39,426 If being cool means don't get to hang out with you guys, 473 00:18:39,427 --> 00:18:41,761 then I don't ever want to be cool. 474 00:18:41,762 --> 00:18:45,098 What do you say? Can we just go back to being friends? 475 00:18:45,099 --> 00:18:46,933 - Of course. - You bet. 476 00:18:46,934 --> 00:18:48,168 Totes McGoats. 477 00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:50,236 (LAUGHS) "Totes McGoats"? 478 00:18:50,237 --> 00:18:52,439 Maybe you guys are cool. Fist bump. 479 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:54,172 Ah, crap! (SCREAMS) 480 00:18:54,173 --> 00:18:55,509 - Oh, my God! - Peter! 481 00:18:55,510 --> 00:18:57,310 Should I shoot him, make it go quicker? 482 00:18:57,311 --> 00:18:58,578 I got a shot. 483 00:18:58,579 --> 00:19:00,680 Too late. You didn't answer quick enough. 484 00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:02,165 (SCREAMING) 485 00:19:10,642 --> 00:19:12,425 PETER: Hey, I'm doing it. 486 00:19:12,426 --> 00:19:14,294 This ain't so hard. 487 00:19:14,295 --> 00:19:16,296 Guys, I'm gonna do it! 488 00:19:16,297 --> 00:19:18,031 I'm gonna thread the needle! 489 00:19:18,032 --> 00:19:20,033 QUAGMIRE: What? We can't hear you! 490 00:19:20,034 --> 00:19:21,851 We're very far away! 491 00:19:26,558 --> 00:19:28,441 Oh, my God, I did it! 492 00:19:28,442 --> 00:19:30,010 I was actually able to thread the... 493 00:19:30,011 --> 00:19:31,645 Oh, crap, Canadian goose. 494 00:19:31,646 --> 00:19:32,679 Look out, eh? 495 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,147 (SCREAMING) 496 00:19:34,148 --> 00:19:35,548 (BIRDS SQUAWKING) 497 00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:37,951 Oh! Damn it! Ah! Son of a bitch! 498 00:19:37,952 --> 00:19:38,985 (SCREAMING) 499 00:19:38,986 --> 00:19:41,304 (GRUNTING) 500 00:19:42,907 --> 00:19:45,158 (GROANS) 501 00:19:45,159 --> 00:19:46,893 I think I'm okay. 502 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,693 Ah, nickels! 503 00:19:52,684 --> 00:19:54,701 Well, it's good to be back, you guys. 504 00:19:54,702 --> 00:19:57,404 A-And I'm sorry again I dumped you for Stryker. 505 00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:59,673 Who the hell is this Stryker guy you keep talking about? 506 00:19:59,674 --> 00:20:00,907 What do you mean? 507 00:20:00,908 --> 00:20:02,842 He's that cool, handsome guy I was friends with. 508 00:20:02,843 --> 00:20:05,578 He's the whole reason I went wingsuiting and hurt my head. 509 00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:06,913 Wingsuiting? 510 00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,382 Peter, you hurt your head in a ladies' bathroom. 511 00:20:09,383 --> 00:20:11,885 Yeah, your legs fell asleep and you bashed it against a sink. 512 00:20:11,886 --> 00:20:13,753 You were in a coma for two weeks. 513 00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:16,556 You must've dreamed about this Stryker or something. 514 00:20:16,557 --> 00:20:17,857 No, we were buddies. 515 00:20:17,858 --> 00:20:19,526 We rode on his motorcycle. 516 00:20:19,527 --> 00:20:22,495 And he introduced me to 1997 George Clooney. 517 00:20:22,496 --> 00:20:24,998 Okay, well, right there you should've known it wasn't real. 518 00:20:24,999 --> 00:20:26,332 Huh. 519 00:20:26,333 --> 00:20:28,134 Well, whether it was real or not, 520 00:20:28,135 --> 00:20:32,005 I want you to know you are the best friends I've ever had. 521 00:20:32,006 --> 00:20:33,573 Of course we know that, Peter. 522 00:20:33,574 --> 00:20:35,341 Yeah, and we feel the same way. 523 00:20:35,342 --> 00:20:37,477 Hey, this is a really weird question, 524 00:20:37,478 --> 00:20:39,847 but do you boys want to go out dancing? 525 00:20:40,514 --> 00:20:41,642 PETER: That night, 526 00:20:41,643 --> 00:20:43,883 we danced until the sun came up. 527 00:20:43,884 --> 00:20:45,752 We forgot all about my coma 528 00:20:45,753 --> 00:20:47,887 and my crazy dream about a cool guy. 529 00:20:47,888 --> 00:20:50,123 We were just four middle-aged men 530 00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:52,692 doing Ecstasy at a Mexican prom. 531 00:20:52,693 --> 00:20:54,944 I'm Peter Griffin, and these are my stories. 38056

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