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- ( film projector clicking )
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( instrumental music playing )
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- * I SAY JAMES,
Y'ALL SAY FRANCO,
JAMES FRANCO *
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* JAMES FRANCO, I SAY JAMES,
Y'ALL SAY FRANCO *
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00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,528
* JAMES FRANCO, JAMES FRANCO
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* I SAY JAMES,
Y'ALL SAY FRANCO *
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* JAMES FRANCO, JAMES FRANCO
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* JAMES FRANCO,
JAMES FRANCO *
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* MONEY IN THE BANK, BRO,
EH, JAMES FRANCO *
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* FRANCO, FRANCO
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* MR. JAMES FRANCO
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* FRANCO, FRANCO
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* I SAY JAMES,
Y'ALL SAY FRANCO *
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00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:50,516
* JAMES FRANCO, JAMES FRANCO
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00:00:50,518 --> 00:00:52,718
* I SAY JAMES,
Y'ALL SAY FRANCO *
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00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,853
* JAMES FRANCO, JAMES FRANCO
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* YO, FRANCO,
FRA-FRA-FRANCO *
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* FRANCO, JAMES FRANCO
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* FRANCO,
FRA-FRA-FRANCO *
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* FRANCO, FRANCO, FRANCO
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* FRANCO,
FRA-FRA-FRANCO. *
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- THIS IS "THE COMEDY CENTRAL
ROAST OF JAMES FRANCO."
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- THIS WHOLE CROWD IS HIGH,
JAMES FRANCO.
25
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AND NOW PLEASE WELCOME
YOUR ROASTMASTER SETH ROGEN.
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- ( applause, cheers )
27
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- HELLO! HI, GUYS.
28
00:01:34,462 --> 00:01:38,497
MY NAME IS SETH ROGEN.
WELCOME TO "THE COMEDY CENTRAL
29
00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:41,467
ROAST OF JAMES FRANCO."
30
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WHY, UH...
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00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:47,139
WHY ARE WE HERE?
WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?
32
00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:50,209
I DON'T KNOW.
HOW HIGH WAS I WHEN
I SAID I WOULD DO THIS?
33
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IT'S CRAZY.
IS THIS PUNISHMENT
FOR "THE GUILT TRIP"?
34
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IS THAT WHAT THIS IS?
35
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I'M JUST GLAD
I'M NOT ALONE UP HERE.
I GOT NICK KROLL,
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00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,087
JONAH HILL,
SARAH SILVERMAN,
37
00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:04,790
ANDY SAMBERG...
JEFF.
38
00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:09,294
THIS DAIS IS LITERALLY
HITLER'S WET DREAM THOUGH,
IN ALL HONESTY.
39
00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:13,832
IT'S GOT JEWS, GAYS
AND WHATEVER AZIZ IS.
40
00:02:16,169 --> 00:02:19,805
THIS IS SO FUCKED UP
TO DO WITH YOU GUYS HERE.
41
00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,773
THIS IS SO MEAN.
42
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:25,777
I REALLY LIKE
THESE PEOPLE. UH...
43
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ANYWAY, I'LL
START WITH THE JEWIEST
AND WORK MY WAY DOWN:
44
00:02:29,617 --> 00:02:32,417
SARAH SILVERMAN IS HERE.
45
00:02:37,557 --> 00:02:40,726
SARAH AND I ACTUALLY WORKED
TOGETHER ON THE FILM
"TAKE THIS WALTZ,"
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WHICH SHE WAS GREAT IN.
SHE ACTUALLY DID FULL-FRONTAL
NUDITY IN THE MOVIE,
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WHICH WAS FANTASTIC.
IT WAS AMAZING.
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I ALWAYS THOUGHT
SHE WAS VERY LIBERAL,
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BUT IT TURNS OUT SHE'S ACTUALLY
A GIANT BUSH SUPPORTER.
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HUGE!
51
00:03:00,547 --> 00:03:03,148
AZIZ ANSARI IS HERE.
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YES.
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THIS IS ACTUALLY THE LONGEST
AZIZ HAS EVER HEARD ME TALK
54
00:03:09,023 --> 00:03:13,325
WITHOUT CHECKING TO SEE
IF SOMEONE MORE FAMOUS
HAS TEXTED HIM.
55
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,197
I WANNA MAKE FUN OF YOU
FOR BEING FRIENDS
WITH KANYE WEST.
56
00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:23,669
BUT TRUTHFULLY, IT'S THE ONLY
COOL THING THERE IS ABOUT YOU,
SO I CAN'T DO THAT.
57
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JONAH HILL IS HERE.
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00:03:30,343 --> 00:03:34,079
A LOT OF PEOPLE COMPARE,
UH, JONAH TO A YOUNG BELUSHI...
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JIM BELUSHI.
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00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:42,187
JONAH'S ACTUALLY STARTED
TO MOVE AWAY FROM COMEDY.
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IT HAPPENS FIVE MINUTES
INTO HIS MOVIE "THE SITTER."
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00:03:50,263 --> 00:03:52,931
ANDY SAMBERG IS HERE.
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00:03:55,435 --> 00:03:57,502
ANDY PLAYS A COP
ON HIS NEW FOX SHOW.
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00:03:57,504 --> 00:04:02,608
HIS FIRST CASE WILL BE
INVESTIGATING THE DISAPPEARANCE
OF HIS NEW FOX SHOW.
65
00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:09,214
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE
LIVE-TWEETING THE SHOW TONIGHT.
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SPEAKING OF 140 CHARACTERS
NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT,
BILL HADER IS HERE.
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BILL'S A GREAT IMPRESSIONIST.
RIGHT NOW HE'S DOING
AN IMPRESSION
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OF A GUY WHO REALLY REGRETS
LEAVING S.N.L.
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NICK KROLL IS HERE.
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YES!
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NICK KROLL
IS THE SCARY JEWISH FACE
MEL GIBSON RUNS FROM
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IN HIS DREAMS EVERY NIGHT.
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"AHHHH!"
YEAH.
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"GIMME YOUR PENNIES."
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LET'S START TALKING ABOUT
SOMEONE PEOPLE ACTUALLY GIVE
A SHIT ABOUT: JAMES FRANCO.
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00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:07,839
YOU KNOW, WHO IS
THE REAL JAMES FRANCO?
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IS HE AN ARTIST?
IS HE AN ACTOR?
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00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,611
IS HE A SCHOLAR?
HE'S TOUGH TO PIN DOWN,
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ALTHOUGH I'VE HEARD MANY GUYS
HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO IT.
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00:05:19,919 --> 00:05:24,089
LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT THE CAREER OF JAMES FRANCO.
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00:05:26,626 --> 00:05:29,695
- I GOT A LOT OF PLANS.
- OKAY, WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING?
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- PLENTY.
- HE IS A DIRECTOR, AN AUTHOR...
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- PAINTER, PILOT...
- A SOAKING-WET GUCCI
SPOKESMAN...
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00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:37,302
- A STUDENT...
- AND AN ARTIST.
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- GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE.
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00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:43,342
- THIS IS MY FUCKING DREAM,
Y'ALL. MAKE IT COME TRUE.
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00:05:43,344 --> 00:05:47,145
- RUB YOUR WRIST
AGAINST MY BELT BUCKLE.
YEAH, LET ME SAVE YOU!
88
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,715
- WHAT DO YOU THINK,
I WANT TO BE TERRIBLE AT SCHOOL?
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00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:51,483
- I ACTUALLY DID FALL
ASLEEP IN CLASS.
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00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:53,385
- WHO DOESN'T
FUCKING FALL ASLEEP IN CLASS?
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00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:55,887
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
ARE YOU READING MY BOOKS?
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- OH.
- STOP IT! STOP LEARNING
FOR ONE SECOND!
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- OKAY.
- JAMES FRANCO.
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00:06:03,663 --> 00:06:06,631
- THIS GUY AIN'T SO BAD.
95
00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:07,666
- GOD, I'VE MISSED YOU SO!
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00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:10,302
- JAMES FRANCO DIDN'T SUCK
ANY DICK LAST NIGHT.
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NOW I KNOW Y'ALL ARE TRIPPING.
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- * I...
- ALL RIGHT!
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- * WANNA BE...
- LOOK AT ME.
100
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- * JUST LIKE...
- COOL, MAN!
101
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,744
- * JAMES FRANCO...
- EFF YOU.
102
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- EFF ME? EFF YOU.
- EFF YOU!
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- EFF YOU, MAN.
- EFF YOU, MOTHER-EFFER.
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00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:25,283
- * BRASS MONKEY...
- GIMME SOME LOVE.
105
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- * THAT FUNKY MONKEY,
BRASS MONKEY *
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- I'M JUST MARKING
MY TERRITORY.
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- * THAT FUNKY MONKEY...
- THE ARTIST KNOWN AS FRANCO
108
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WON'T MIND THAT YOU TRASHED
HIS MASTERPIECE.
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00:06:33,460 --> 00:06:36,995
- YOUR MAMA'S PUSSY WAS
THE CANVAS, YOUR DAD'S DICK
WAS THE PAINTBRUSH.
110
00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:40,599
BOOM, YOU'RE THE ART!
- THANKS, JAMES FRANCO.
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00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:43,735
- WHY DON'T WE DO A SEQUEL
TO "PINEAPPLE EXPRESS"?
112
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,704
- YOU GUYS WANT
TO BUY SOME CHRONIC?
SMELL IT!
113
00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:49,741
LIKE GOD'S VAGINA.
- * I'M GONNA POP SOME TAGS *
114
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:53,078
* ONLY GOT $20
IN MY POCKET *
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00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,180
* THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME...
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00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:57,883
- WE DO IT GANGSTA!
GANGSTA!
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00:06:57,885 --> 00:06:59,284
I'M FROM A DIFFERENT
PLANET, Y'ALL!
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00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:03,622
AND I JUST TRANSPORTED Y'ALL
OUT TO FUCKING SPACE, Y'ALL!
119
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:05,023
* DAMN,
THAT'S A COLD-ASS HONKY. *
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00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:07,058
- WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER
HOSTING THE OSCARS?
121
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:09,895
- I DID THAT.
- SO WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER
122
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,062
HOSTING IT, PROPERLY?
123
00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:13,632
- I'M THE ACTOR
JAMES FRANCO, DAMN IT!
124
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:16,234
AND I'M IN LOVE WITH
A JAPANESE BODY PILLOW!
125
00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:19,471
- * I'VE BEEN LOOKING
IN A NEW DIRECTION... *
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00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:21,339
- AVENGE ME!
- NO!
127
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:24,142
- * I WANNA LAUGH
AND I WANNA CRY *
128
00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:25,911
* I WANNA SPIT
BUT MY MOUTH'S TOO DRY *
129
00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:29,414
* I WANNA RUN BUT I'M SCARED
'CAUSE MY LEGS DON'T GO... *
130
00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:31,550
- OW, HELP!
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00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:33,518
HELP! HELP!
132
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:34,219
HELP!
133
00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:37,856
- THE FIRST GUY THAT I EVER
SOLD TO THAT I BECAME
FRIENDS WITH.
134
00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:39,958
- B.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.
135
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,193
- BEST FUCKING FRIENDS
FOREVER, MAN.
136
00:07:41,195 --> 00:07:45,230
- * IN A NEW DIRECTION.
- BOOM. IT'S OVER.
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00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,201
- ALL RIGHT.
138
00:07:49,203 --> 00:07:53,305
EVERY MAN WANTS TO BE HIM
AND HE WANTS TO BE IN EVERY MAN.
139
00:07:53,307 --> 00:07:57,142
THE PRETTIEST BOY I KNOW...
JAMES FRANCO!
140
00:08:03,015 --> 00:08:05,951
WHERE... WHERE IS JAMES FRANCO?
141
00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:08,787
- COME ON.
- READY THREE... TAKE THREE.
142
00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:11,022
OKAY, I GOTTA GO.
YOU TAKE OVER.
143
00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:15,060
- FRANCO? WHAT THE FUCK
IS HE DOING BACK THERE?
144
00:08:16,395 --> 00:08:19,164
- ALL RIGHT, SPIDEY-POSE!
145
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,065
GENIUS!
146
00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:22,667
- MR. FRANCO, I'M SO SORRY
MY PAPER'S LATE.
147
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:24,870
- OH, LATE? "F"!
- LOVE IT.
148
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,371
BEAUTIFUL. YES, YES!
149
00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:28,073
AND... THAT'S OUR COVER.
150
00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:32,310
- CONGRATULATIONS, DOCTOR.
- ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.
151
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:33,745
OKAY.
152
00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:37,449
- "JAMES FRANCO DOCUMENTARY,"
SCENE 1-APPLE, TAKE ONE.
153
00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:39,284
- HIT IT, ALL RIGHT.
154
00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:41,720
HERE WE GO.
155
00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:56,601
- HI, JAMES.
156
00:09:11,617 --> 00:09:15,820
- ALL RIGHT!
WELCOME JAMES FRANCO, EVERYBODY!
157
00:09:19,358 --> 00:09:22,694
I'M A LITTLE SURPRISED HE
SHOWED UP, TO BE TOTALLY HONEST.
158
00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:24,496
WHY ARE WE HERE, JAMES?
- I DON'T F...
159
00:09:24,498 --> 00:09:26,164
- CAN YOU TELL US WHY
THE FUCK WE'RE HERE?
160
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:27,766
- NO FUCKING IDEA, BUD.
- I KNOW WHY I'M HERE.
161
00:09:27,768 --> 00:09:32,237
'CAUSE WHENEVER YOU DO
SOMETHING WITHOUT ME, IT SUCKS.
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
162
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:34,673
WE'RE HERE TONIGHT
SO JAMES CAN LIVE OUT
163
00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:37,008
ONE OF HIS UNFULFILLED
SEXUAL FANTASIES:
164
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:41,313
TO HAVE A ROOM
FULL OF HIS FRIENDS
SHIT ALL OVER HIM.
165
00:09:43,282 --> 00:09:48,520
FRANCO, YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE ASLEEP. DID YOU JUST
READ A JAMES FRANCO BOOK?
166
00:09:51,657 --> 00:09:53,224
HE'S HAD A GREAT CAREER.
JUDD APATOW
167
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:58,229
GAVE BOTH ME AND HIM OUR START
ON THE SHOW "FREAKS AND GEEKS."
168
00:09:58,231 --> 00:10:00,231
UH... YEAH.
169
00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:02,901
IT'S TRUE.
JUDD WAS ACTUALLY GONNA
DIRECT THIS ROAST,
170
00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:07,505
BUT COMEDY CENTRAL DIDN'T WANT
IT TO BE 40 MINUTES TOO LONG.
171
00:10:08,741 --> 00:10:10,875
JAMES BECAME FAMOUS
FOR PLAYING JAMES DEAN,
172
00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:16,147
WHICH MAKES SENSE 'CAUSE
THEY BOTH SUCKED SOME DICKS
AND MADE THREE GOOD MOVIES.
173
00:10:21,153 --> 00:10:24,255
YOU ASKED US TO DO THIS, MAN.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
174
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:27,592
TO PREPARE FOR HIS ROLE
IN "127 HOURS,"
175
00:10:27,594 --> 00:10:30,996
HE TOLD ME HE SPENT FIVE DAYS
WITH HIS ARM INSIDE THE ROCK...
176
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:35,700
ACTUALLY HE GOES
BY DWAYNE JOHNSON NOW.
I KEEP FORGETTING THAT.
177
00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:40,338
HE'S THE LAST GUY I SHOULD
BE MAKING JOKES ABOUT.
178
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:43,174
HE'LL LITERALLY FUCKING KILL ME.
179
00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:45,910
LOOK AT ME DOING
ALL THE TALKIN' WHILE YOU
SIT THERE DOING NOTHING.
180
00:10:45,912 --> 00:10:49,347
I FEEL LIKE I'M CO-HOSTING
THE OSCARS WITH YOU.
181
00:10:56,022 --> 00:10:57,756
SAY WHAT YOU WILL
ABOUT JAMES'S AWFUL
182
00:10:57,758 --> 00:11:02,160
AND BORDERLINE CONTEMPTUOUS
PERFORMANCE AT THE OSCARS...
183
00:11:03,295 --> 00:11:05,964
IN THIS WORLD THERE CAN
ONLY BE ONE JAMES FRANCO,
184
00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:07,966
'CAUSE IF THERE WERE
TWO JAMES FRANCOS,
185
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:11,836
THEY'D NEVER STOP
BUTTFUCKING EACH OTHER.
186
00:11:13,639 --> 00:11:16,841
HOW 'BOUT WE BRING OUT
OUR FIRST ROASTER, HUH?
187
00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:21,513
THERE WE GO.
YOU PROBABLY KNOW HIM
188
00:11:21,515 --> 00:11:26,317
FROM HIS SMALL ROLES
IN MOVIES LIKE "DATE NIGHT"
AND "GET HIM TO THE GREEK,"
189
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:29,287
AND HIS STARRING ROLES
IN NO MOVIES EVER.
190
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:31,456
PLEASE WELCOME NICK KROLL.
191
00:11:40,132 --> 00:11:43,835
- ALL RIGHT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
GIVE IT UP FOR SETH ROGEN.
192
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:46,204
LET HIM HEAR IT.
193
00:11:47,907 --> 00:11:52,043
GOD, SETH ROGEN
IS SO JEWISH...
194
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,679
- HOW JEWISH IS HE?
195
00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:58,983
- SETH ROGEN IS
SO FUCKING JEWISH...
196
00:11:59,418 --> 00:12:03,221
ANYWAY, I'M EXCITED
TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
197
00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:07,092
SETH, YOU'RE DOING
A REALLY GOOD JOB UP THERE.
198
00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:09,561
IT'S NOT AN EASY JOB.
NOW MANY OF YOU MIGHT
NOT KNOW THIS,
199
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:14,199
BUT SETH ROGEN HAS A WRITING
AND DIRECTING PARTNER NAMED
EVAN GOLDBERG.
200
00:12:15,768 --> 00:12:21,539
WHAT DOES THIS OTHER GUY
LOOK LIKE THAT YOU'RE THE FACE
OF THE OPERATION?
201
00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:29,013
I ASSUME HE'S LIKE
A SWEATY ORTHODOX JEW
202
00:12:29,015 --> 00:12:32,317
EATING A PASTRAMI SANDWICH:
"HEY, SETHY,
203
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:34,886
YEAH, I ADDED NINE
DICK JOKES ON PAGE FOUR.
204
00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:39,390
AND I WAS THINKING THAT
THE GUYS ARE FRIENDS AND THEN
THEY'RE NOT FRIENDS
205
00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:43,928
AND THEN AT THE END OF THE MOVIE
THEY'RE FRIENDS AGAIN.
206
00:12:44,797 --> 00:12:48,833
AND ALSO THEY SHOULD SMOKE
A LOT OF GANJA, SETHY."
207
00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:56,508
WE GOT A LOT OF JEWS
ON STAGE HERE TONIGHT.
208
00:12:56,510 --> 00:12:58,877
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE SAY
THAT JEWS CONTROL THE MEDIA.
209
00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:02,147
AND WE DO. AND YOU KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE WE'RE REALLY GOOD AT IT.
210
00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:07,185
I'VE NEVER HEARD ANYONE SAY,
"WHY ARE ALL THOSE BLACK DUDES
IN THE N.B.A.?"
211
00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:10,054
BECAUSE THEY'RE BETTER
AT DUNKING, JUST LIKE JEWS
212
00:13:10,056 --> 00:13:14,492
ARE BETTER AT WHATEVER JOKE
MY JEW WRITERS COME UP WITH.
213
00:13:16,495 --> 00:13:20,231
LISA LAMPANELLI'S HERE!
- ( scattered cheers )
214
00:13:20,766 --> 00:13:24,636
- OH, I'M SORRY,
THAT'S JEFF ROSS.
215
00:13:27,206 --> 00:13:29,774
ANDY SAMBERG IS HERE!
216
00:13:32,378 --> 00:13:37,615
OR AS I LIKE
TO CALL HIM: BETTER-LOOKING
MORE-SUCCESSFUL ME.
217
00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:40,518
JONAH HILL.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE
ARE GONNA TOUCH
218
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:44,489
ON YOUR WEIGHT TONIGHT, JONAH,
BUT NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE ARE
GONNA TALK ABOUT
219
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:48,193
WHAT AN ASSHOLE
YOU'VE BECOME.
220
00:13:51,463 --> 00:13:54,098
BUT WE'RE HERE TONIGHT
TO CELEBRATE JAMES FRANCO,
221
00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:57,235
THE MAN WHO MADE
THIS WHOLE EVENING POSSIBLE.
222
00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:59,037
JAMES ALWAYS HAS
THAT LOOK OF,
223
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:02,941
"OH MAN, HOW DID THIS PERFECT
AMOUNT OF FACIAL HAIR
224
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:04,843
END UP ON MY FACE?
225
00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:07,378
YOU KNOW, I'M FROM PALO ALTO,
FROM CALIFORNIA,
226
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:12,750
YET NO ONE QUESTIONS WHY I TALK
LIKE I'M FROM 1940s BROOKLYN."
227
00:14:16,622 --> 00:14:20,658
JAMES FRANCO IS TRULY
OUR GENERATION'S JAMES DEAN.
228
00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:23,895
JAMES DEAN OF COURSE
DIED AT THE TENDER AGE OF 24,
229
00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:25,530
SPARING HIMSELF
THE EMBARRASSMENT
230
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:28,933
OF GETTING ROASTED BY A BUNCH
OF JEALOUS JEW MONSTERS.
231
00:14:28,935 --> 00:14:33,905
JAMES, HONESTLY, WHAT HAPPENED
WITH YOU AND ANNE HATHAWAY?
232
00:14:33,907 --> 00:14:35,106
DID YOU BONE HER OUT?
233
00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:36,641
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE A GENTLEMAN,
234
00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:41,946
YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT.
JUST SQUINT ONCE IF YES.
235
00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:49,554
QUICK REMINDER THAT
IF AT ANY POINT TONIGHT
236
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:54,759
JAMES FULLY OPENS HIS EYES,
THERE WILL BE SIX MORE
WEEKS OF SUMMER.
237
00:15:00,532 --> 00:15:04,302
BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, JAMES,
I ADMIRE YOUR WORK ETHIC.
238
00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:07,438
I THINK YOU'RE...
( mumbles )
239
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:11,743
I'M JUST HERE TO GET
SLIGHTLY MORE FAMOUS.
240
00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:15,046
AND REMEMBER,
IF ANYONE HERE BOMBS TONIGHT,
241
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:19,851
IT'S JUST 'CAUSE
THEY'RE DOING AN IMPRESSION
OF JAMES FRANCO AT THE OSCARS.
242
00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:24,422
THANK YOU, GUYS.
ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR NIGHT.
THAT'S IT.
243
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:03,369
- ALL RIGHT, I HAVE TO ADMIT
244
00:16:03,371 --> 00:16:05,638
I'M A LITTLE JEALOUS
OF OUR NEXT ROASTER.
245
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:09,308
HE'S GOTTEN TO WORK WITH GUYS
LIKE QUENTIN TARANTINO,
246
00:16:09,310 --> 00:16:11,210
MARTIN SCORSESE, BRAD PITT.
247
00:16:11,212 --> 00:16:14,313
AND I'M STUCK DOING MOVIES
WITH SELF-IMPORTANT ASSHOLES
248
00:16:14,315 --> 00:16:15,781
LIKE JONAH HILL.
249
00:16:15,783 --> 00:16:18,717
PLEASE WELCOME JONAH HILL.
250
00:16:18,719 --> 00:16:20,619
- ( applause )
251
00:16:26,627 --> 00:16:29,296
- HI, GUYS,
JAMES.
252
00:16:29,298 --> 00:16:30,630
HOW'S IT GOING?
253
00:16:30,632 --> 00:16:34,234
IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE HERE
FOR MY BUDDY JAMES.
254
00:16:34,236 --> 00:16:37,971
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY
THEY WOULD CHOOSE ME, THOUGH,
255
00:16:37,973 --> 00:16:39,806
BECAUSE THERE'S
NOTHING REALLY ANYONE
256
00:16:39,808 --> 00:16:42,008
CAN MAKE FUN OF ME FOR.
257
00:16:42,010 --> 00:16:43,243
I GUESS,
258
00:16:43,245 --> 00:16:45,011
THESE GUYS ARE GONNA
MAKE FUN OF ME FOR SOMETHING.
259
00:16:45,013 --> 00:16:47,647
SO I JUST THINK
I'M JUST GONNA BE NICE
260
00:16:47,649 --> 00:16:48,782
AND SAY WHAT
I LIKE ABOUT THEM
261
00:16:48,784 --> 00:16:51,017
BECAUSE I REALLY LOVE
ALL THESE PEOPLE UP HERE.
262
00:16:51,019 --> 00:16:54,554
UM, YOU KNOW, LIKE BILL HADER,
GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.
263
00:16:54,556 --> 00:16:55,488
- ( applause )
- RIGHT?
264
00:16:55,490 --> 00:16:58,391
HE WAS BRILLIANT ON S.N.L.
HE WAS BRILLIANT.
265
00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:00,093
AND WHEN HE LEFT THE SHOW
THIS YEAR,
266
00:17:00,095 --> 00:17:01,828
EVERY SINGLE PERSON WAS LIKE
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
267
00:17:01,830 --> 00:17:04,965
YOU'RE NEVER EVER
GONNA WORK AGAIN LIKE EVER!"
268
00:17:04,967 --> 00:17:07,133
AND WHAT DOES MY MAN BILL DO?
BOOM!
269
00:17:07,135 --> 00:17:10,537
HE GOES AHEAD AND BOOKS HIMSELF
A T-MOBILE COMMERCIAL.
270
00:17:10,539 --> 00:17:13,740
- ( laughter, applause )
271
00:17:17,211 --> 00:17:19,713
- WHO'S LAUGHING NOW,
LORNE MICHAELS?
272
00:17:19,715 --> 00:17:22,148
MY MAN BILL IS.
273
00:17:22,150 --> 00:17:24,384
I MEAN, THIS GUY'S
CASHING CHECKS
274
00:17:24,386 --> 00:17:29,222
FROM THE FOURTH LARGEST
MOBILE PROVIDER IN THE NATION.
275
00:17:29,224 --> 00:17:31,057
- ( laughs )
276
00:17:31,892 --> 00:17:32,993
- AND LOOK...
NO, LOOK,
277
00:17:32,995 --> 00:17:37,130
I RESPECT BILL BECAUSE SPRINT
WAS COMING AFTER HIM HARD.
278
00:17:37,132 --> 00:17:40,767
BUT HE JUST HELD OUT FOR THAT
FUCK YOU T-MOBILE MONEY.
279
00:17:42,803 --> 00:17:45,872
BILL'S AWESOME.
( chuckles )
280
00:17:45,874 --> 00:17:48,241
I LOVE YOU, BILL.
281
00:17:48,243 --> 00:17:50,577
ANDY SAMBERG IS
ANOTHER FRIEND OF MINE.
282
00:17:50,579 --> 00:17:52,512
I LOVE HIM.
AND NOW THAT HE'S GOT
HIS NEW TV SHOW,
283
00:17:52,514 --> 00:17:56,249
"BROOKLYN NINE-NINE,"
WHICH I'M ASSUMING IS ABOUT
THIS BROOKLYN COP
284
00:17:56,251 --> 00:17:58,451
WHO TRIED TO MAKE IT
IN THE MOVIE BUSINESS,
285
00:17:58,453 --> 00:18:00,987
BUT FAILED AND GOT
SENT BACK TO TV.
286
00:18:02,823 --> 00:18:05,258
- YEAH.
- MY ONLY QUESTION IS,
287
00:18:05,260 --> 00:18:07,527
ANDY, WHEN THE SHOW GETS
CANCELED AFTER FIVE EPISODES,
288
00:18:07,529 --> 00:18:09,829
ARE YOU GONNA DO A DIFFERENT
CELLPHONE COMMERCIAL
289
00:18:09,831 --> 00:18:12,165
OR ARE THEY GONNA TURN BILL'S
INTO A TWO-HANDER
290
00:18:12,167 --> 00:18:14,034
FOR BOTH OF YOU GUYS?
291
00:18:15,536 --> 00:18:17,370
ANDY'S AWESOME.
292
00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:22,008
SARAH SILVERMAN, SO AMAZING,
293
00:18:22,010 --> 00:18:23,810
SO BEAUTIFUL.
294
00:18:23,812 --> 00:18:25,311
I THINK YOU'RE GORGEOUS.
295
00:18:25,313 --> 00:18:26,279
AND I THINK IT'S CRAZY
296
00:18:26,281 --> 00:18:28,548
BECAUSE EVERYONE'S LIKE
"SHE'S HOT FOR A COMIC."
297
00:18:28,550 --> 00:18:31,718
BUT I DON'T AGREE BECAUSE
SHE'S NOT JUST HOT FOR A COMIC.
298
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:33,520
SHE'S HOT FOR SOMEONE HER AGE.
299
00:18:33,522 --> 00:18:35,522
- THAT'S RIGHT.
300
00:18:36,524 --> 00:18:39,325
- SERIOUSLY, SARAH, YOU WERE
MY FAVORITE COMIC AS A KID.
301
00:18:39,327 --> 00:18:41,895
- ( mouths )
- ( laughter )
302
00:18:41,897 --> 00:18:44,864
- SARAH IS A ROLE MODEL
FOR EVERY LITTLE GIRL OUT THERE.
303
00:18:44,866 --> 00:18:46,232
I MEAN EVERY LITTLE GIRL DREAMS
304
00:18:46,234 --> 00:18:49,069
OF BEING A 58-YEAR OLD,
SINGLE, STAND-UP COMEDIAN
305
00:18:49,071 --> 00:18:52,238
WITH NO ROMANTIC PROSPECTS
ON THE HORIZON.
306
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:56,209
THEY ALL DREAM OF IT,
BUT SARAH DID IT.
307
00:18:56,211 --> 00:18:58,011
- I'M LIVING IT.
308
00:18:58,013 --> 00:18:59,446
- AND PEOPLE SAY
IT'S TOO LATE FOR SARAH
309
00:18:59,448 --> 00:19:02,148
TO BECOME SUCCESSFUL
IN MOVIES AT HER AGE.
310
00:19:02,150 --> 00:19:04,451
I, AGAIN, DO NOT AGREE.
311
00:19:04,453 --> 00:19:05,485
IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE.
312
00:19:05,487 --> 00:19:08,054
I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'RE
ASKING YOU TO BEAR CHILDREN
313
00:19:08,056 --> 00:19:09,622
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT...
314
00:19:09,624 --> 00:19:10,557
- ( laughter )
315
00:19:10,559 --> 00:19:14,627
- 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
( laughter )
316
00:19:14,629 --> 00:19:16,396
- NOPE.
317
00:19:16,398 --> 00:19:18,765
- AND THEN THERE'S JEFF ROSS
318
00:19:18,767 --> 00:19:22,435
WHO'S GONNA FUCKING
KILL ME LATER.
319
00:19:22,437 --> 00:19:24,771
SO I FIGURED I SHOULD
GO PRETTY HARD.
320
00:19:24,773 --> 00:19:27,574
- BRING IT. BRING IT.
BRING IT.
321
00:19:27,576 --> 00:19:29,476
- I NEVER GAVE YOU
THIS COMPLIMENT BEFORE,
322
00:19:29,478 --> 00:19:33,480
BUT YOU'RE ACTUALLY THE REASON
I DECIDED TO BECOME SUCCESSFUL.
323
00:19:33,482 --> 00:19:35,782
I SAW WHAT YOU BECAME
324
00:19:35,784 --> 00:19:37,550
AND IT SCARED
THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME.
325
00:19:37,552 --> 00:19:42,455
JEFF, YOU'RE LIKE THE GHOST
OF ME AND SETH'S FUTURE
326
00:19:42,457 --> 00:19:43,223
IF WE NEVER MADE IT.
327
00:19:43,225 --> 00:19:47,827
YOU KNOW, JEFF, I ACTUALLY
HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.
328
00:19:47,829 --> 00:19:49,162
WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE,
329
00:19:49,164 --> 00:19:50,363
DO YOU JUST STRAIGHT UP
LIE TO THEM
330
00:19:50,365 --> 00:19:52,198
AND SAY, "YEAH,
I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS"
331
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,234
OR ARE YOU HONEST?
332
00:19:54,969 --> 00:19:56,102
'CAUSE I IMAGINE
IT WOULD BE EASIER
333
00:19:56,104 --> 00:19:59,239
JUST TO SAY LIKE
"YEAH, I'M UNEMPLOYED,"
334
00:19:59,241 --> 00:20:01,274
INSTEAD OF HAVING
TO STRUGGLE AND EXPLAIN
335
00:20:01,276 --> 00:20:03,076
LIKE, "YEAH,
I'M ON TV ONCE A YEAR.
336
00:20:03,078 --> 00:20:05,979
IT'S LIKE THIS THING
WHERE FAMOUS PEOPLE COME IN
337
00:20:05,981 --> 00:20:07,347
AND I'M PART OF IT, KIND OF.
338
00:20:07,349 --> 00:20:10,183
LIKE I MAKE FUN OF THEM,
BUT THEN THEY LEAVE
339
00:20:10,185 --> 00:20:10,984
AND GO ON TO THEIR CAREERS
340
00:20:10,986 --> 00:20:13,953
AND I JUST KIND OF STAY
AND CLEAN EVERYTHING UP."
341
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:19,859
BUT SERIOUSLY, GUYS, CAN YOU
PLEASE PICK UP AFTER YOURSELVES?
342
00:20:19,861 --> 00:20:22,829
IT'S GONNA MAKE JEFF'S LIFE
A LOT EASIER.
343
00:20:22,831 --> 00:20:24,063
THANK YOU.
344
00:20:24,065 --> 00:20:27,333
JEFF'S AWESOME, YOU GUYS.
345
00:20:27,335 --> 00:20:28,835
( chuckles )
346
00:20:28,837 --> 00:20:33,673
AZIZ, NATASHA, NICK KROLL,
I'M ASSUMING YOU GUYS
347
00:20:33,675 --> 00:20:36,609
ARE JAMES'S FRIENDS
FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
348
00:20:36,611 --> 00:20:38,545
BUT I THINK THAT IS SO DOPE
349
00:20:38,547 --> 00:20:39,879
THAT YOU GUYS ARE WILLING
TO GET UP HERE
350
00:20:39,881 --> 00:20:43,650
EVEN THOUGH NO ONE KNOWS
WHO THE FUCK YOU GUYS ARE.
351
00:20:43,652 --> 00:20:46,219
OKAY, THAT WAS A JOKE.
352
00:20:46,221 --> 00:20:47,420
I KNOW WHO YOU GUYS ARE.
353
00:20:47,422 --> 00:20:50,290
BUT, GENUINELY,
AZIZ HATES THIS JOKE
354
00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:52,392
BECAUSE ALL AZIZ WANTS
IS TO BE FAMOUS.
355
00:20:52,394 --> 00:20:54,894
I MEAN, HE'S FAMOUS
IN LIKE SILVER LAKE.
356
00:20:54,896 --> 00:20:57,297
BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT, RIGHT?
357
00:20:57,299 --> 00:20:57,931
- ( laughter )
358
00:20:57,933 --> 00:21:00,934
- NICK AND NATASHA, HOW MUCH
DOES IT BUM YOU GUYS OUT
359
00:21:00,936 --> 00:21:03,069
THAT EVEN BEING ASSOCIATED
WITH YOU TWO
360
00:21:03,071 --> 00:21:06,706
IS LITERALLY KILLING
AZIZ RIGHT NOW.
361
00:21:06,708 --> 00:21:08,274
THAT'S FUCKED UP.
362
00:21:10,945 --> 00:21:12,712
CAN WE TALK ABOUT
MY BUDDY SETH ROGEN?
363
00:21:12,714 --> 00:21:15,315
COME ON.
- ( applause )
364
00:21:15,317 --> 00:21:17,016
- I ADORE THIS GUY.
365
00:21:17,018 --> 00:21:18,484
I FUCKING ADORE THIS GUY.
366
00:21:18,486 --> 00:21:21,855
HE'S A GREAT WRITER,
A GREAT FRIEND.
367
00:21:21,857 --> 00:21:23,122
AND WE CAN'T TALK ABOUT SETH
368
00:21:23,124 --> 00:21:25,291
WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT
"THE GREEN HORNET."
369
00:21:25,293 --> 00:21:26,993
WE JUST CAN'T, RIGHT?
370
00:21:26,995 --> 00:21:29,229
BECAUSE EVERY PERSON
IN THE WORLD IS LIKE
371
00:21:29,231 --> 00:21:31,931
"'THE GREEN HORNET'
LOST SO MUCH MONEY."
372
00:21:31,933 --> 00:21:35,401
BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE.
IT DIDN'T LOSE THAT MUCH MONEY.
373
00:21:35,403 --> 00:21:37,637
I MEAN EVERY SINGLE PERSON
IN THE WORLD
374
00:21:37,639 --> 00:21:38,938
FUCKING HATED IT,
375
00:21:38,940 --> 00:21:41,341
BUT IT DIDN'T LOSE
THAT MUCH MONEY.
376
00:21:41,343 --> 00:21:42,909
AND THAT'S THE GOAL
AFTER ALL, RIGHT?
377
00:21:42,911 --> 00:21:46,913
TO MAKE TERRIBLE MOVIES THAT
DON'T LOSE THAT MUCH MONEY.
378
00:21:46,915 --> 00:21:49,816
- ( applause, laughter )
379
00:21:49,818 --> 00:21:52,252
- SETH'S FUCKING AWESOME.
UM...
380
00:21:52,254 --> 00:21:53,987
NOW, JAMES, THE MAIN COURSE.
381
00:21:53,989 --> 00:21:55,755
THE FEAST DE RESISTANCE.
382
00:21:56,323 --> 00:21:58,758
JAMES LOVES EDUCATION.
383
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:00,360
HE'S ALWAYS GOING TO SCHOOL.
384
00:22:00,362 --> 00:22:01,527
DID YOU KNOW THAT
HE EVEN WENT TO YALE?
385
00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:05,198
OKAY, LOOK,
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
386
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:06,633
AND IT'S NOT TRUE.
387
00:22:06,635 --> 00:22:09,702
HE GOT INTO YALE JUST
LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
388
00:22:09,704 --> 00:22:11,537
HE GOT REALLY, REALLY FAMOUS
389
00:22:11,539 --> 00:22:14,274
AND JUST KIND OF ASKED
A PERSON FROM YALE
390
00:22:14,276 --> 00:22:15,909
IF HE COULD GO THERE,
391
00:22:15,911 --> 00:22:18,177
JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
392
00:22:19,813 --> 00:22:21,648
AND EVERYONE IS GONNA
MAKE FUN OF JAMES
393
00:22:21,650 --> 00:22:23,349
FOR THE OSCARS.
IT'S OBVIOUS.
394
00:22:23,351 --> 00:22:25,618
EVERYONE WAS SAYING,
"JAMES WAS DEAD UP THERE."
395
00:22:25,620 --> 00:22:27,954
BUT I THINK THAT WAS
ANNE HATHAWAY'S FAULT.
396
00:22:27,956 --> 00:22:31,691
I MEAN, FUCK HER FOR TRYING,
LIKE AT ALL.
397
00:22:32,493 --> 00:22:34,227
HOW DARE SHE
398
00:22:34,229 --> 00:22:35,361
ATTEMPT IN SOME WAY
399
00:22:35,363 --> 00:22:37,297
TO ENTERTAIN
THE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE
400
00:22:37,299 --> 00:22:40,600
TRYING TO ESCAPE THEIR
LIVES FOR A FEW HOURS.
401
00:22:41,168 --> 00:22:43,536
I COMMEND YOU, JAMES.
402
00:22:45,105 --> 00:22:46,039
YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS HEAR
403
00:22:46,041 --> 00:22:48,408
GEORGE CLOONEY AND OTHER
BIG MOVIE STARS SAYING
404
00:22:48,410 --> 00:22:50,576
"MY PHILOSOPHY
ON MAKING MOVIES IS
405
00:22:50,578 --> 00:22:53,446
ONE FOR THEM
AND ONE FOR ME."
406
00:22:53,448 --> 00:22:55,715
BUT NOT MY GUY JAMES.
407
00:22:55,717 --> 00:22:57,984
NOT MY BOY JAMES!
408
00:22:57,986 --> 00:22:59,886
JAMES IS A REBEL.
409
00:22:59,888 --> 00:23:01,988
HE HAS HIS OWN
PHILOSOPHY ON THIS.
410
00:23:01,990 --> 00:23:05,558
"ONE FOR THEM,
FIVE FOR NOBODY."
411
00:23:11,098 --> 00:23:13,399
( chuckling ) OKAY.
412
00:23:13,401 --> 00:23:15,134
ALL JOKES ASIDE,
413
00:23:15,136 --> 00:23:19,038
JAMES, YOU ARE
THE WEIRDEST FUCKING PERSON
414
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:22,041
ANYONE HAS EVER MET
IN THEIR ENTIRE LIFE.
415
00:23:22,043 --> 00:23:23,676
I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR 10 YEARS
416
00:23:23,678 --> 00:23:27,313
AND I'M STILL PRETTY SURE
I'VE NEVER MET YOU BEFORE.
417
00:23:28,349 --> 00:23:31,584
BUT FOR SOME REASON, I FUCKING,
I LOVE YOU, DUDE, SO...
418
00:23:58,666 --> 00:24:01,201
- OUR NEXT ROASTER WAS #29
419
00:24:01,203 --> 00:24:05,606
ON "MAXIM"'S HOT 100
IN THE YEAR 2007.
420
00:24:06,474 --> 00:24:09,376
PLEASE WELCOME SARAH SILVERMAN.
421
00:24:15,650 --> 00:24:17,684
THANK YOU.
SO HOW ABOUT A HAND
422
00:24:17,686 --> 00:24:21,455
FOR OUR HOST FOR TONIGHT,
SETH ROGEN?
423
00:24:23,358 --> 00:24:25,692
ISN'T HE ROUND?
424
00:24:25,694 --> 00:24:27,127
I CAN'T TELL
IF THIS IS THE DAIS
425
00:24:27,129 --> 00:24:30,664
OR THE LINE TO SUCK
JUDD APATOW'S BALLS.
426
00:24:30,666 --> 00:24:32,833
IT'S SO JEWY.
427
00:24:32,835 --> 00:24:37,537
WHAT IS THIS,
"THE COMEDY CENTRAL AUDIT
OF JAMES FRANCO"?
428
00:24:41,776 --> 00:24:43,310
I SAW THE MOVIE
"THE GUILT TRIP."
429
00:24:43,312 --> 00:24:46,613
SETH, WHAT WAS IT LIKE WORKING
WITH BARBRA STREISAND?
430
00:24:46,615 --> 00:24:50,150
AND HOW DID YOU TWO
TELL EACH OTHER APART?
431
00:24:50,152 --> 00:24:55,122
LIKE, DID ONE OF YOU
WEAR A CARNATION OR...
432
00:24:55,124 --> 00:24:57,491
WAS IT SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
433
00:24:58,393 --> 00:24:59,159
SETH'S PARENTS...
434
00:24:59,161 --> 00:25:02,062
UH, SETH'S PARENTS
ACTUALLY MET AT A KIBBUTZ.
435
00:25:02,064 --> 00:25:04,164
IF YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT A KIBBUTZ IS,
436
00:25:04,166 --> 00:25:06,133
IT'S A COMMUNITY IN ISRAEL
437
00:25:06,135 --> 00:25:09,870
WHERE APPARENTLY
THEY DON'T ALLOW ABORTIONS.
438
00:25:13,574 --> 00:25:17,778
RIGHT BEFORE THE SHOW STARTED
SETH ROLLED A GIGANTIC FATTY,
439
00:25:17,780 --> 00:25:19,112
BECAUSE THAT WAS
THE ONLY WAY
440
00:25:19,114 --> 00:25:22,015
WE COULD GET JONAH HILL
ONTO THE STAGE.
441
00:25:30,758 --> 00:25:32,793
JAMES, I LOVED
"SPRING BREAKERS."
442
00:25:32,795 --> 00:25:35,462
"SPRING BREAKER"
IS ACTUALLY THE NICKNAME
443
00:25:35,464 --> 00:25:38,999
WE GAVE JEFF ROSS
WHEN HE SITS ON A BED.
444
00:25:43,204 --> 00:25:45,772
JAMES RECENTLY WON
THE ALLY AWARD
445
00:25:45,774 --> 00:25:48,375
FOR HIS SUPPORT
OF THE L.G.B.T. COMMUNITY.
446
00:25:48,377 --> 00:25:51,645
IT'S A PRESTIGIOUS AWARD
THAT IS GIVEN ANALLY...
447
00:25:51,647 --> 00:25:56,616
ANNUALLY!
IT'S GIVEN ANNUALLY.
448
00:25:57,452 --> 00:26:01,388
JONAH HILL IS HERE.
I LOVE JONAH.
449
00:26:02,223 --> 00:26:03,890
JONAH IS SUCH A JEWY DICK,
450
00:26:03,892 --> 00:26:08,595
YOU HAVE TO WATCH HIS MOVIES
THROUGH A HOLE IN A SHEET.
451
00:26:13,601 --> 00:26:17,137
JONAH ACTUALLY GAINED
50 LBS FOR HIS ROLE
452
00:26:17,139 --> 00:26:18,438
IN THE NEW MARTIN SCORSESE FILM,
453
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:23,510
BECAUSE THE PRODUCERS
WANTED THE CHARACTER
TO BE A "JONAH HILL TYPE."
454
00:26:25,513 --> 00:26:27,314
BUT HE SLIMMED DOWN
A LOT LAST YEAR.
455
00:26:27,316 --> 00:26:33,687
BUT WHAT JONAH LOST IN WEIGHT,
HE GAINED IN WEIGHT.
456
00:26:34,188 --> 00:26:37,090
JONAH, ON A SCALE
FROM ONE TO 10,
457
00:26:37,092 --> 00:26:39,626
DO YOU OWN A SCALE?
458
00:26:44,699 --> 00:26:46,066
BUT SERIOUSLY,
YOU HAVE HAD
459
00:26:46,068 --> 00:26:50,036
SUCH A BODY TRANSFORMATION
IN THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS.
460
00:26:50,038 --> 00:26:52,439
YOU HAVE COME A LONG WAY
FROM JUST BEING
461
00:26:52,441 --> 00:26:54,808
SONNY AND CHER'S DAUGHTER.
462
00:27:03,384 --> 00:27:05,318
IT'S DONE?
463
00:27:07,421 --> 00:27:09,089
HI, BILL HADER.
464
00:27:09,091 --> 00:27:10,423
I HATE MAKING FUN OF BILL.
465
00:27:10,425 --> 00:27:11,324
HE'S SO SWEET AND GENTLE
466
00:27:11,326 --> 00:27:16,496
AND I USED TO DATE HIS BROTHER,
JEW HATER. BUT...
467
00:27:16,498 --> 00:27:20,300
NATASHA LEGGERO, EVERYBODY.
468
00:27:20,302 --> 00:27:23,904
I LOVE NATASHA SO MUCH.
469
00:27:23,906 --> 00:27:27,174
THIS IS NATASHA'S
FIRST ROAST, YOU GUYS.
470
00:27:27,176 --> 00:27:28,341
SHE'S LIKE
A LITTLE CHIHUAHUA,
471
00:27:28,343 --> 00:27:31,011
'CAUSE SHE'S TEENY TINY
AND SHE'S FEISTY,
472
00:27:31,013 --> 00:27:34,147
AND SHE'S FILLED
WITH MEXICAN D.N.A.
473
00:27:36,684 --> 00:27:40,554
JUST TO BE CLEAR, WHEN I SAY
"FILLED WITH MEXICAN D.N.A.,"
474
00:27:40,556 --> 00:27:46,326
I MEAN, SHE'S FILLED
WITH THE CUM OF MEXICAN PEOPLE.
475
00:27:48,396 --> 00:27:51,965
LIKE, FROM TONS
OF MEXICAN GENTLEMEN
476
00:27:51,967 --> 00:27:55,368
CUMMING INSIDE
HER VAST VAGINA.
477
00:27:55,370 --> 00:27:57,337
AND ALSO
FROM HER GUZZLING CUM.
478
00:27:57,339 --> 00:28:01,641
I JUST DIDN'T WANT THERE
TO BE A MISUNDERSTANDING.
479
00:28:02,276 --> 00:28:07,414
SPEAKING OF BROWNISH PEOPLE,
AZIZ ANSARI IS HERE.
480
00:28:07,748 --> 00:28:11,651
I HAVE BEEN A HUGE SUPPORTER
OF AZIZ FOR YEARS,
481
00:28:11,653 --> 00:28:15,789
AND FOR ONLY THE PRICE
OF A CUP OF COFFEE.
482
00:28:19,861 --> 00:28:21,828
BY THE WAY,
AZIZ CAN'T STAY ALL NIGHT.
483
00:28:21,830 --> 00:28:24,497
HE'S GOTTA GET BACK
IN THE CUPBOARD.
484
00:28:24,499 --> 00:28:25,832
WHEN...
485
00:28:31,439 --> 00:28:34,441
BUT TONIGHT IS
ABOUT OUR MAN OF THE HOUR,
486
00:28:34,443 --> 00:28:39,579
MR. JAMES EDWARD FRANCO,
SITTING TO MY RIGHT.
487
00:28:41,482 --> 00:28:44,050
JAMES IS OPENLY
A VERY SEXUAL PERSON.
488
00:28:44,052 --> 00:28:47,854
I DON'T THINK JAMES IS
NECESSARILY GAY OR STRAIGHT,
489
00:28:47,856 --> 00:28:50,056
I THINK HE JUST...
HE LITERALLY CAN'T
490
00:28:50,058 --> 00:28:53,560
OPEN HIS EYES ENOUGH
TO SEE WHO HE'S FUCKING.
491
00:28:57,698 --> 00:29:01,968
JAMES DID A MOVIE CALLED
"INTERIOR. LEATHER BAR."
492
00:29:01,970 --> 00:29:04,037
IT'S ABOUT GAY PORNOGRAPHY.
493
00:29:04,039 --> 00:29:05,538
HE WAS INSPIRED
AFTER HE ATE
494
00:29:05,540 --> 00:29:09,442
A GIANT BAG OF DICKS
HOSTING THE OSCARS.
495
00:29:12,380 --> 00:29:14,414
ROBERT DE NIRO,
496
00:29:14,416 --> 00:29:18,551
SEAN PENN, JULIA ROBERTS...
497
00:29:18,553 --> 00:29:19,653
THESE ARE JUST SOME
498
00:29:19,655 --> 00:29:22,122
OF THE HUGE STARS
JAMES HAS WORKED WITH
499
00:29:22,124 --> 00:29:24,457
WHO DIDN'T
WANNA BE HERE TONIGHT.
500
00:29:25,359 --> 00:29:29,529
BUT YOU LANDED ME
AND I'M SO LUCKY FOR THAT.
501
00:29:29,531 --> 00:29:32,132
CONGRATULATIONS, DOLL.
502
00:30:02,909 --> 00:30:06,645
- WE ARE VERY EXCITED
AND I'M JUST GONNA SAY IT...
503
00:30:06,647 --> 00:30:08,881
HONORED TO INTRODUCE
OUR NEXT ROASTER.
504
00:30:08,883 --> 00:30:10,916
HE'S RESPONSIBLE
NOT JUST FOR MY CAREER,
505
00:30:10,918 --> 00:30:15,187
BUT FOR EVERY
SINGLE PERSON'S CAREER
IN THIS ENTIRE ROOM.
506
00:30:15,189 --> 00:30:17,322
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME
507
00:30:17,324 --> 00:30:20,025
THE PRESIDENT OF HOLLYWOOD.
508
00:30:31,671 --> 00:30:33,705
- HELLO, EVERYBODY.
509
00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:36,742
HELLO, HELLO, EVERYBODY.
510
00:30:37,110 --> 00:30:41,213
BEFORE I START I JUST WANT
TO SAY TO EVERYONE UP HERE...
511
00:30:42,248 --> 00:30:43,549
YOU'RE WELCOME.
512
00:30:43,551 --> 00:30:45,250
IN NO OTHER PLACE
BUT HOLLYWOOD
513
00:30:45,252 --> 00:30:47,920
COULD THESE 10 PEOPLE MAKE
THE KIND OF MONEY THEY MAKE
514
00:30:47,922 --> 00:30:51,190
AND SLEEP WITH THE KIND
OF PEOPLE THEY SLEEP WITH.
515
00:30:51,192 --> 00:30:56,161
AND SO AGAIN I SAY...
YOU'RE WELCOME.
516
00:30:57,030 --> 00:30:58,664
SETH ROGEN.
517
00:30:59,032 --> 00:31:02,100
YOU'RE WELCOME,
YOU HAIRY CANUCK.
518
00:31:04,003 --> 00:31:04,770
YOU ARE WELCOME.
519
00:31:04,772 --> 00:31:09,208
I, HOLLYWOOD,
MADE THE WORLD ACCEPT YOU.
520
00:31:09,676 --> 00:31:10,943
I PUT YOU ON A MOVIE POSTER
521
00:31:10,945 --> 00:31:13,779
AND I SAID, "DEAL WITH IT."
522
00:31:15,114 --> 00:31:17,516
AND THEN I PUT
BARBRA STREISAND ON THAT POSTER
523
00:31:17,518 --> 00:31:20,219
AND THE WORLD SAID, "NO!"
524
00:31:21,454 --> 00:31:23,088
"THE GUILT TRIP"!
525
00:31:23,957 --> 00:31:25,123
LISTEN,
IF I WANTED TO WATCH
526
00:31:25,125 --> 00:31:27,226
TWO UGLY JEWS
WEAVING THROUGH TRAFFIC,
527
00:31:27,228 --> 00:31:31,096
I'D WATCH SEINFELD'S
WEB SERIES.
528
00:31:36,302 --> 00:31:40,005
AND, JONAH, I'M ASSUMING
YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE SETH IS?
529
00:31:40,707 --> 00:31:42,741
PEOPLE CALL ME
ALL THE TIME AND THEY SAY,
530
00:31:42,743 --> 00:31:48,080
"HOLLYWOOD, DO WE REALLY NEED
TWO OF THESE GUYS?"
531
00:31:48,715 --> 00:31:50,215
BUT I OWN YOU, JONAH.
532
00:31:50,217 --> 00:31:51,717
I FUCKIN' OWN YOU.
533
00:31:51,719 --> 00:31:54,553
IF I TRIED TO BUY YOU
ON iTUNES, IT WOULD SAY,
534
00:31:54,555 --> 00:31:56,321
"ARE YOU SURE
YOU WANT TO PURCHASE?
535
00:31:56,323 --> 00:31:58,724
BECAUSE YOU ALREADY
OWN THIS FUCK."
536
00:32:02,495 --> 00:32:05,998
ANDY SAMBERG.
537
00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:10,469
THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION...
538
00:32:11,137 --> 00:32:12,537
( heavily accented )
539
00:32:12,539 --> 00:32:17,109
LOOKING FORWARD
TO YOUR NEW SHOW,
"BROOKLYN NINE-NINE."
540
00:32:17,111 --> 00:32:19,511
FUNNY COPS.
541
00:32:20,213 --> 00:32:23,348
YOU'RE ALWAYS PUSHING
THE ENVELOPE, ANDY.
542
00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:28,954
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
WHEN YOU RUN OUT
543
00:32:28,956 --> 00:32:32,224
OF FUNNY CRIMES LIKE GRAFFITI
AND PICKPOCKETS?
544
00:32:32,226 --> 00:32:34,026
CAN'T WAIT TO SEE EPISODE 10
545
00:32:34,028 --> 00:32:36,428
WHEN "BROOKLYN NINE-NINE"
HAS TO DEAL WITH A RAPE.
546
00:32:36,430 --> 00:32:39,831
( mockingly )
"OH, I DROPPED THE RAPE KIT?!
547
00:32:39,833 --> 00:32:42,067
SHMORGY-DORG!"
548
00:32:44,137 --> 00:32:46,004
YEAH, THAT'S GONNA BE FUN.
549
00:32:48,641 --> 00:32:50,942
AZIZ, YOU'RE WELCOME.
550
00:32:50,944 --> 00:32:53,612
AZIZ, I ADMIRE
HOW YOU'VE NEVER TAKEN
551
00:32:53,614 --> 00:32:56,181
THE STEREOTYPICAL INDIAN ROLES.
552
00:32:56,183 --> 00:32:58,750
AND I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU
THAT IF YOU DID,
553
00:32:58,752 --> 00:33:01,787
YOU WOULD MAKE
SO MUCH MORE MONEY.
554
00:33:02,255 --> 00:33:04,423
IF YOU CAME OUT HERE
RIGHT NOW WITH CROSSED EYES
555
00:33:04,425 --> 00:33:08,026
PLAYING A SITAR, I WOULD FALL
ON MY ASS LAUGHING.
556
00:33:11,331 --> 00:33:14,166
BUT STILL, WHAT AN ACTOR.
557
00:33:14,168 --> 00:33:18,036
SUCH PHENOMENAL RANGE.
558
00:33:19,105 --> 00:33:23,342
YOU'RE LIKE THE DANIEL DAY-LEWIS
OF ONLY DOING ONE THING.
559
00:33:26,245 --> 00:33:28,246
JEFF ROSS!
HI, I'M HOLLYWOOD.
560
00:33:28,248 --> 00:33:30,248
WE HAVEN'T MET BEFORE.
561
00:33:30,850 --> 00:33:33,452
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
562
00:33:33,953 --> 00:33:37,489
- UH UH UH, SORRY I HAVEN'T
BEEN ABLE TO DO ANYTHING YET.
563
00:33:37,491 --> 00:33:39,791
LIKE ENTERPRISE RENTAL CAR
ON CHRISTMAS DAY,
564
00:33:39,793 --> 00:33:42,728
I DO NOT HAVE
A VEHICLE FOR YOU.
565
00:33:43,730 --> 00:33:45,330
JEFFREY? DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING?
566
00:33:45,332 --> 00:33:46,565
- YEAH, I HEAR YOU.
- JEFF DOESN'T GET IT.
567
00:33:46,567 --> 00:33:49,167
NO, I GOTTA SPEAK TO JEFF NOW
IN HIS NATIVE LANGUAGE.
568
00:33:49,169 --> 00:33:50,469
EXCUSE ME, EVERYBODY.
569
00:33:50,471 --> 00:33:53,472
( mimicking Jabba the Hutt )
OH-OH-OH-OH!
570
00:33:53,474 --> 00:33:55,874
( speaking Huttese )
571
00:34:00,146 --> 00:34:01,480
...WOOKIE.
572
00:34:08,554 --> 00:34:11,556
HEY, WHERE'S BILL HADER?
HUH? WHERE'S THAT GUY?
573
00:34:11,558 --> 00:34:14,659
I LOVED HIS ORIGINAL
CHARACTERS ON S.N.L.
574
00:34:14,661 --> 00:34:16,628
STEFON, A GAY GUY!
575
00:34:16,630 --> 00:34:19,030
OOOH, HOW ORIGINAL!
576
00:34:19,032 --> 00:34:23,001
WHAT'S NEXT,
AN OLD JEW IN A TRACK SUIT?
577
00:34:27,974 --> 00:34:29,441
BUT BILL'S OKAY IN THE MOVIES
578
00:34:29,443 --> 00:34:31,877
IF YOU NEED
A BEST FRIEND'S BEST FRIEND
579
00:34:31,879 --> 00:34:34,846
TO ASK AN EXPOSITION QUESTION.
580
00:34:35,214 --> 00:34:37,983
"SO, YOU'RE GONNA
FOLLOW HER TO HAWAII?"
581
00:34:37,985 --> 00:34:41,486
"YES, BILL. NOW FUCK OFF
FOR THE REST OF THE MOVIE."
582
00:34:45,792 --> 00:34:48,293
AND NOW I COME TO YOU,
JAMES FRANCO.
583
00:34:48,295 --> 00:34:49,127
YOU'RE WELCOME.
584
00:34:49,129 --> 00:34:54,332
AND NO ONE CAN ARGUE
WITH YOUR INTEGRITY AS AN ACTOR.
585
00:34:54,334 --> 00:34:56,501
FROM JERKING OFF
NEXT TO A BOULDER
586
00:34:56,503 --> 00:34:57,636
TO SUCKING A GUN
LIKE A DICK,
587
00:34:57,638 --> 00:35:01,506
YOU ARE TRULY
THE JIMMY STEWART OF TODAY.
588
00:35:02,408 --> 00:35:05,277
BUT I KNOW IT HASN'T ALWAYS
BEEN EASY FOR YOU, JAMES.
589
00:35:05,279 --> 00:35:08,780
YOU OVERCAME A CRIPPLING
CHILDHOOD AFFLICTION
590
00:35:08,782 --> 00:35:11,283
KNOWN AS DUMB FACE.
591
00:35:16,989 --> 00:35:19,524
BUT YOU NEVER LET THAT
INTERFERE WITH YOUR DREAM
592
00:35:19,526 --> 00:35:21,560
OF MAKING DOG-SHIT MOVIES...
593
00:35:21,562 --> 00:35:24,563
AND EXPLICITLY GAY GUCCI ADS.
594
00:35:25,331 --> 00:35:26,531
AND THE OSCARS.
THE OSCARS.
595
00:35:26,533 --> 00:35:29,034
LOOK, I DON'T EVEN WATCH
THE OSCARS ANYMORE,
596
00:35:29,036 --> 00:35:30,001
BUT EVERYONE WAS CALLING ME.
597
00:35:30,003 --> 00:35:32,637
"THE KID IS MAKING
A MOCKERY OF YOUR NIGHT."
598
00:35:32,639 --> 00:35:34,406
BUT YOU DID THE IMPOSSIBLE:
599
00:35:34,408 --> 00:35:37,375
YOU MADE ME LIKE
ANNE HATHAWAY.
600
00:35:37,377 --> 00:35:41,546
I MADE SURE SHE WON
EVERY SINGLE FUCKING AWARD
601
00:35:41,548 --> 00:35:44,583
FOR THAT "LES MIS"
THEATER-CAMP BULLSHIT
602
00:35:44,585 --> 00:35:48,086
BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU PUT
HER THROUGH, YOU LAZY DICK!
603
00:35:49,755 --> 00:35:51,223
BUT THINGS ARE LOOKING UP.
YEAH, YEAH.
604
00:35:51,225 --> 00:35:53,692
YOUR UPCOMING FILM
THAT YOU WROTE AND DIRECTED
605
00:35:53,694 --> 00:35:58,196
IS AN ADAPTATION
OF WILLIAM FAULKNER'S
"AS I LAY DYING."
606
00:35:58,198 --> 00:36:00,165
- ( cheering )
- OH.
607
00:36:00,167 --> 00:36:03,969
THEY GOT
THE FAULKNER CROWD IN HERE.
608
00:36:05,004 --> 00:36:06,805
WELL, I'M VERY EXCITED
FOR THAT, JAMES.
609
00:36:06,807 --> 00:36:09,140
AND I MUST SAY,
YOU KNOW, IF YOU...
610
00:36:09,142 --> 00:36:11,409
( snoring )
611
00:36:17,416 --> 00:36:19,651
IT'S GONNA SUCK, JAMES.
612
00:36:20,753 --> 00:36:24,556
I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
I'M REALLY FUCKIN' WORRIED
ABOUT YOU.
613
00:36:24,558 --> 00:36:27,359
YOU KNOW HOW WHEN PEOPLE TALK
ABOUT JOHN WILKES BOOTH,
614
00:36:27,361 --> 00:36:31,196
THEY GO, "YOU KNOW,
HE USED TO BE AN ACTOR."
615
00:36:32,298 --> 00:36:35,534
I FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE GOING DOWN THAT ROAD!
616
00:36:35,536 --> 00:36:39,371
YOU'RE GONNA START A FOREST FIRE
THAT KILLS 20 PEOPLE
617
00:36:39,373 --> 00:36:42,974
WHILE MAKING
AN EXPERIMENTAL VINE VIDEO.
618
00:36:44,176 --> 00:36:45,744
AND FROM THEN ON
PEOPLE ARE GONNA SAY,
619
00:36:45,746 --> 00:36:47,846
"YOU KNOW,
THAT FUCKING PSYCHO
USED TO ACT."
620
00:36:47,848 --> 00:36:49,814
I JUST DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
621
00:36:49,816 --> 00:36:51,917
I GAVE YOU A CHANCE
TO BE A MOVIE STAR,
622
00:36:51,919 --> 00:36:53,985
MAKE MONEY,
HANG OUT WITH THE SPIDER GUY.
623
00:36:53,987 --> 00:36:55,921
AND YOU SAID,
"NAW, I WANNA BE AN ARTIST."
624
00:36:55,923 --> 00:37:00,325
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I TOLD RICHARD GRIECO
20 YEARS AGO...
625
00:37:01,127 --> 00:37:03,929
"PLAY BALL,
YOU SQUINTY FUCK...
626
00:37:04,597 --> 00:37:06,765
OR YOU WILL DISAPPEAR!"
627
00:37:06,767 --> 00:37:09,601
AND POOF!
HE'S GONE!
628
00:37:09,603 --> 00:37:10,769
AND YOU'RE NEXT, FRANCO!
629
00:37:10,771 --> 00:37:14,306
SO WHAT I NEED FROM YOU,
JAMES, ARE HITS,
630
00:37:14,308 --> 00:37:17,642
LIKE WHEN YOU PLAYED THE BAD GUY
IN "21 JUMP STREET."
631
00:37:17,644 --> 00:37:18,743
OH WAIT, THAT WASN'T YOU.
632
00:37:18,745 --> 00:37:22,814
THAT WAS YOUR LESS-RETARDED
YOUNGER BROTHER DAVE!
633
00:37:25,184 --> 00:37:26,818
DAVE.
634
00:37:29,055 --> 00:37:32,991
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A MADE-UP BROTHER NAME: DAVE.
635
00:37:34,026 --> 00:37:35,627
"HEY, JAMES FRANCO'S
GOT A BROTHER."
636
00:37:35,629 --> 00:37:38,396
"WHAT'S HIS NAME,
DAVE FRANCO?"
637
00:37:42,468 --> 00:37:45,503
IN CLOSING: GIVE ME HITS,
DROP THE ARTIST SHIT,
638
00:37:45,505 --> 00:37:48,206
AND TAKE YOUR MONEY
AND FUCK OFF.
639
00:37:48,208 --> 00:37:49,341
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED
YOUR ROAST.
640
00:37:49,343 --> 00:37:51,676
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOUR
SHITTY DOCUMENTARY ABOUT IT.
641
00:37:51,678 --> 00:37:54,045
GOOD NIGHT.
YOU'RE WELCOME. COME HERE.
642
00:38:23,689 --> 00:38:27,992
- I AM VERY EXCITED TO HEAR
WHAT OUR NEXT ROASTER'S VOICE
643
00:38:27,994 --> 00:38:30,928
SOUNDS LIKE FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MY LIFE.
644
00:38:30,930 --> 00:38:34,065
PLEASE WELCOME
NATASHA LEGGERO.
645
00:38:38,837 --> 00:38:40,538
- THANKS, "HONEY JEW-JEW."
646
00:38:40,540 --> 00:38:43,441
LOOK AT THIS DAIS:
JONAH HILL,
647
00:38:43,443 --> 00:38:45,309
SETH ROGEN, JEFF ROSS,
648
00:38:45,311 --> 00:38:46,944
ANDY SAMBERG, NICK KROLL.
649
00:38:46,946 --> 00:38:50,414
I FEEL LIKE THE HOT COUNSELOR
AT HEBREW CAMP.
650
00:38:51,850 --> 00:38:54,418
THE ROOM IS BUZZING TONIGHT,
651
00:38:54,420 --> 00:38:59,390
AND NOT JUST FROM THE FLIES
AROUND AZIZ'S RELATIVES.
652
00:39:03,929 --> 00:39:07,832
JONAH HILL, I LOVED YOU
AS A BASEBALL ANALYST
IN "MONEYBALL,"
653
00:39:07,834 --> 00:39:11,335
AND I LOVE YOU AS
ROSIE O'DONNELL IN REAL LIFE.
654
00:39:15,007 --> 00:39:17,808
JONAH WAS BORN
AND RAISED IN HOLLYWOOD,
655
00:39:17,810 --> 00:39:19,977
AND YOU CAN TELL.
HE'S A NAME-DROPPER
656
00:39:19,979 --> 00:39:23,714
WITH BIG TITS
AND AN EATING DISORDER.
657
00:39:26,685 --> 00:39:29,854
- THAT'S A FUCKING GREAT JOKE.
658
00:39:31,456 --> 00:39:35,293
- ANDY SAMBERG.
HI, HOW ARE YOU?
659
00:39:35,295 --> 00:39:38,863
ANDY'S COMEDY GROUP IS
CALLED THE LONELY ISLAND,
660
00:39:38,865 --> 00:39:42,433
WHICH IS HOW EACH
OF HIS TEETH FEEL.
661
00:39:45,771 --> 00:39:48,072
- I GOT 'EM FIXED.
- ANDY, I'M LOOKING FORWARD
662
00:39:48,074 --> 00:39:50,942
TO THE SAD ACOUSTIC VERSION
OF "DICK IN A BOX"
663
00:39:50,944 --> 00:39:54,545
AT LORNE MICHAEL'S
OPEN-CASKET FUNERAL.
664
00:39:54,547 --> 00:39:57,582
- WHAT IS THIS?
665
00:40:01,086 --> 00:40:05,056
- NICK KROLL!
NICK!
666
00:40:05,058 --> 00:40:08,926
YOUR FAN MUST BE
SO EXCITED YOU'RE HERE!
667
00:40:11,496 --> 00:40:13,030
NO, NICK,
I LOVE "KROLL SHOW."
668
00:40:13,032 --> 00:40:15,900
YOU ARE AMAZING AT CHARACTERS.
YOU'RE LIKE A CHAMELEON...
669
00:40:15,902 --> 00:40:20,204
IN THAT YOU HAVE HIDEOUS SKIN
AND BULGING EYES.
670
00:40:23,942 --> 00:40:28,346
BILL HADER, YOU ARE THIS
GENERATION'S PHIL HARTMAN...
671
00:40:28,348 --> 00:40:30,014
HOPEFULLY.
672
00:40:30,016 --> 00:40:32,917
- JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
- ( audience moans )
673
00:40:35,053 --> 00:40:39,657
- SARAH SILVERMAN'S
HAD MORE UGLY MEN INSIDE HER
THAN COMIC-CON.
674
00:40:42,761 --> 00:40:44,962
KIM KARDASHIAN IS HERE.
675
00:40:44,964 --> 00:40:47,531
OH, THAT'S AZIZ.
SORRY.
676
00:40:47,533 --> 00:40:50,701
I GET 'EM CONFUSED,
THEY'RE BOTH BROWN NARCISSISTS
677
00:40:50,703 --> 00:40:54,305
RIDING KANYE'S DICK.
678
00:40:59,611 --> 00:41:01,612
NO, AZIZ IS ONLY
IN SHOW BUSINESS
679
00:41:01,614 --> 00:41:05,516
BECAUSE HE'S TOO UGLY
TO BE A GENIE.
680
00:41:06,451 --> 00:41:09,720
MY THIRD WISH, AZIZ,
IS THAT YOU STOP SCREAMING
YOUR PUNCH LINES.
681
00:41:09,722 --> 00:41:14,792
I SAW YOUR SPECIAL.
IF I WANTED TO GET YELLED AT
BY A HUMORLESS INDIAN,
682
00:41:14,794 --> 00:41:17,762
I'D READ A MAGAZINE
AT 7-ELEVEN.
683
00:41:20,866 --> 00:41:22,767
NO, THEY LOVE AZIZ IN INDIA.
684
00:41:22,769 --> 00:41:26,537
HE WAS RECENTLY AWARDED
INDIA'S HIGHEST HONOR...
685
00:41:26,539 --> 00:41:28,306
SOAP.
686
00:41:30,876 --> 00:41:33,444
JAMES FRANCO...
687
00:41:35,881 --> 00:41:37,982
ACTING, TEACHING, DIRECTING,
688
00:41:37,984 --> 00:41:41,552
WRITING, PRODUCING, PHOTOGRAPHY,
SOUNDTRACKS, EDITING...
689
00:41:41,554 --> 00:41:44,588
IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU CAN DO?
690
00:41:46,925 --> 00:41:49,260
NO, AT FIRST I WASN'T SURE
WHY JAMES WOULD DO THIS ROAST,
691
00:41:49,262 --> 00:41:54,265
AND THEN I SAW
"SPRING BREAKERS" AND I WAS
LIKE, "OH, HE'LL DO ANYTHING."
692
00:41:55,801 --> 00:42:00,705
JAMES HAS A NEW REALITY SHOW
COMING OUT ON THE OVATION
NETWORK... WOW.
693
00:42:00,707 --> 00:42:04,675
FINALLY SOMETHING SO AWFUL
THAT EVEN T.L.C. WAS LIKE,
694
00:42:04,677 --> 00:42:07,178
"NAH, WE'RE GOOD."
695
00:42:09,348 --> 00:42:13,517
JAMES, YOU'RE HARD TO ROAST.
I MEAN, YOU'RE SO DREAMY.
696
00:42:13,519 --> 00:42:17,488
I MEAN, SOMETHING ABOUT YOU,
I JUST WANNA PLEASE YOU.
697
00:42:17,490 --> 00:42:19,423
I JUST WANNA TAKE YOU
BACK TO MY HOTEL ROOM,
698
00:42:19,425 --> 00:42:23,661
TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES
AND LET A MAN FUCK YOU.
699
00:42:26,431 --> 00:42:27,431
NO, I'LL FUCK YOU, JAMES.
700
00:42:27,433 --> 00:42:31,235
I JUST WANNA PUT A BAG
OVER YOUR CAREER CHOICES.
701
00:42:32,270 --> 00:42:33,270
YOU'RE A FANTASTIC ARTIST.
702
00:42:33,272 --> 00:42:36,207
THANK YOU, I FEEL HONORED
TO BE HERE. THANK YOU.
703
00:42:36,209 --> 00:42:37,508
THANK YOU.
704
00:42:45,384 --> 00:42:48,919
- COMING UP IS THE MAN
WHO MADE S.N.L. FUNNY AGAIN...
705
00:42:48,921 --> 00:42:52,923
BY LEAVING.
PLEASE WELCOME ANDY SAMBERG!
706
00:43:02,768 --> 00:43:04,635
- HEY, EVERYONE.
707
00:43:04,637 --> 00:43:07,805
SO, UH... I JUST
FLEW IN FROM NEW YORK
708
00:43:07,807 --> 00:43:14,779
AND BOY, ARE MY ARMS FINE!
BECAUSE SETH ROGEN GAVE ME
A RIDE ON HIS PRIVATE JET.
709
00:43:15,180 --> 00:43:20,151
WAY TO BE THOUGHTFUL
AND GENEROUS WHEN YOU HAD
NOTHING TO GAIN FROM IT, PUSSY.
710
00:43:20,153 --> 00:43:24,054
I'M KIDDING.
SUPER APPRECIATE THE HOOKUP.
711
00:43:24,423 --> 00:43:27,925
BUT SERIOUSLY, SETH, WHAT'S UP
WITH YOUR GIGANTIC TUX?
712
00:43:27,927 --> 00:43:29,560
I'D BE SWIMMING
IN THAT THING...
713
00:43:29,562 --> 00:43:33,297
IF I COULD SWIM!
BURNED YOU! I CAN'T SWIM.
714
00:43:35,967 --> 00:43:38,102
ROASTMASTER... CHECK.
715
00:43:38,104 --> 00:43:42,306
LET'S SEE,
WHO ELSE SHOULD I LAMPOON?
716
00:43:47,045 --> 00:43:50,347
WOW, LOOK AT THIS DAIS...
A WORD I KNEW BEFORE TONIGHT.
717
00:43:50,349 --> 00:43:51,882
SOMEONE MUST HAVE
TOLD THE PRODUCER
718
00:43:51,884 --> 00:43:55,286
THAT THIS WAS A PANEL
OF KENNY ROGERS ROASTERS,
719
00:43:55,288 --> 00:43:58,856
'CAUSE YOU GUYS ARE
A BUNCH OF CHICKENS!
720
00:43:58,858 --> 00:44:00,858
THANK YOU.
721
00:44:00,860 --> 00:44:05,496
IT'S A CHICKEN-BASED RESTAURANT,
I RESEARCHED THAT.
722
00:44:06,665 --> 00:44:10,134
THE "LOVELY" SARAH SILVERMAN
IS HERE.
723
00:44:10,136 --> 00:44:13,704
I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU,
SARAH, BUT YOU'RE GETTING OLDER.
724
00:44:13,706 --> 00:44:15,840
AND YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS
GETTING OLDER? MY MOM.
725
00:44:15,842 --> 00:44:19,844
I'M SCARED SHE'S GONNA DIE SOON.
WHAT'S THAT GONNA BE LIKE?
726
00:44:19,846 --> 00:44:22,112
ROASTED YOU.
727
00:44:22,114 --> 00:44:24,849
ROASTED SARAH.
728
00:44:25,617 --> 00:44:28,886
OKAY, WHO'S MY NEXT VICTIM?
HUH.
729
00:44:28,888 --> 00:44:31,288
NATASHA LEGGERO IS HERE.
730
00:44:31,290 --> 00:44:34,358
SHE'S, UH... SHE'S BASICALLY
A COMPLETE UNKNOWN,
731
00:44:34,360 --> 00:44:39,363
BUT TONIGHT WE'RE GETTIN' PAID
THE SAME AMOUNT OF * MONEY!
732
00:44:41,233 --> 00:44:43,300
UH AH, GOT YOU.
733
00:44:43,302 --> 00:44:46,470
WELL, GUESS WHAT, NATASHA?
YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING I CAN DO,
734
00:44:46,472 --> 00:44:52,476
BUT I CAN NEVER EXPERIENCE
THE MIRACLE OF BIRTHING
A CHILD. ROASTED YOU.
735
00:44:54,246 --> 00:44:56,780
ROAST-AFARI.
736
00:44:58,517 --> 00:45:00,818
LIKE A REGGAE GUY.
737
00:45:01,186 --> 00:45:04,255
HERE'S ONE: NICK KROLL,
BILL HADER, AND SETH ROGEN
WALK INTO A BAR.
738
00:45:04,257 --> 00:45:08,726
THEY'RE THERE TO PICK ME UP
BECAUSE I'M AN ALCOHOLIC WHO
CAN'T MANAGE MY FEELINGS!
739
00:45:08,728 --> 00:45:11,695
NAILED YOU FUCKERS!
SUCK A BUTT!
740
00:45:12,564 --> 00:45:17,401
UH, IS THERE A BARISTA HERE?
'CAUSE THIS ROAST JUST GOT DARK!
741
00:45:21,806 --> 00:45:23,607
( clears throat )
742
00:45:23,609 --> 00:45:27,945
WHO ELSE?
WHO ELSE WANTS THE WRATH?
743
00:45:30,115 --> 00:45:32,016
MY GOOD FRIEND
AZIZ ANSARI IS HERE.
744
00:45:32,018 --> 00:45:35,486
AZIZ'S PARENTS
ARE FROM INDIA AND HE'S
FROM SOUTH CAROLINA.
745
00:45:35,488 --> 00:45:38,889
HEY, AZIZ, WHAT'S IT LIKE
TO HAVE A UNIQUE PERSPECTIVE
746
00:45:38,891 --> 00:45:42,660
ON WHAT IT MEANS
TO BE AMERICAN, YOU BAG OF SHIT?
747
00:45:47,566 --> 00:45:49,934
ROASTING SO HARD RIGHT NOW.
748
00:45:49,936 --> 00:45:52,836
IT'S LIKE AT BOSTON MARKET
IN HERE,
749
00:45:52,838 --> 00:45:57,608
'CAUSE I'M ROASTING
ALL THESE KENNY ROGERS CHICKENS.
750
00:46:00,145 --> 00:46:01,045
JONAH HILL IS HERE.
751
00:46:01,047 --> 00:46:05,149
JONAH IS SO DUMB THAT WHEN HE
HAD ME OVER FOR A DINNER PARTY,
752
00:46:05,151 --> 00:46:07,751
I OVERSTAYED MY WELCOME
AND HE PRETENDED TO BE TIRED
753
00:46:07,753 --> 00:46:10,521
SO I WOULD
LEAVE WITHOUT GETTING
MY FEELINGS HURT.
754
00:46:10,523 --> 00:46:14,224
YOU A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
SWEETHEART, JONAH!
755
00:46:20,565 --> 00:46:23,367
JUST ASK ME TO LEAVE.
756
00:46:23,369 --> 00:46:26,103
BUT I DID WANNA STAY.
757
00:46:26,105 --> 00:46:29,406
WHO ELSE IS HERE?
UH...
758
00:46:29,408 --> 00:46:31,842
OH YEAH,
GOD IS HERE.
759
00:46:31,844 --> 00:46:33,711
GOD IS EVERYWHERE, OKAY?
760
00:46:33,713 --> 00:46:36,046
HE WALKS WITH ME
THROUGH SUNSHINE AND RAIN.
761
00:46:36,048 --> 00:46:39,116
HE PROTECTS ME FROM TEMPTATION.
HE IS MY LIGHT.
762
00:46:39,118 --> 00:46:41,051
ROASTED THE FATHER!
763
00:46:43,555 --> 00:46:46,390
ON THE SACRILEGE TIP.
764
00:46:46,392 --> 00:46:47,858
EXPECT LETTERS,
COMEDY CENTRAL.
765
00:46:47,860 --> 00:46:52,296
IF YOU DON'T WANT CONTROVERSY,
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
INVITED THE KING!
766
00:46:56,735 --> 00:46:58,702
WHOO!
767
00:46:58,704 --> 00:47:02,106
AND NOW WE COME
TO JAMES FRANCO.
768
00:47:04,809 --> 00:47:07,978
EVERYONE'S ALWAYS
TALKING ABOUT...
- ( laughing )
769
00:47:07,980 --> 00:47:10,714
- THANKS, BILL.
770
00:47:10,716 --> 00:47:12,716
IT'S MY OLD HOMEY.
771
00:47:12,718 --> 00:47:16,553
HEY, EVERYONE'S
ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HOW
GOOD-LOOKING YOU ARE, JAMES.
772
00:47:16,555 --> 00:47:19,423
AND THEY ARE SPOT ON.
YOU'RE SO HANDSOME
773
00:47:19,425 --> 00:47:22,993
YOU REMIND ME
OF THE MAN WHO BROKE UP
MY PARENTS' MARRIAGE.
774
00:47:22,995 --> 00:47:24,662
BAM, BOSTON MARKET!
775
00:47:24,664 --> 00:47:28,332
DID YOU KNOW JAMES FRANCO WAS
ON "GENERAL HOSPITAL"?
776
00:47:28,334 --> 00:47:31,368
A CRAPPY SOAP OPERA!
IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T LET YOUR EGO
777
00:47:31,370 --> 00:47:35,406
GET IN THE WAY
OF YOUR ARTISTIC PATH.
WHAT IS THAT, KENNY ROGERS?
778
00:47:35,408 --> 00:47:36,840
"OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL"?
779
00:47:36,842 --> 00:47:41,178
MORE LIKE A MOVIE
THAT TRANSPORTED ME
TO A MAGICAL WONDERLAND.
780
00:47:41,180 --> 00:47:43,614
GOOD ONE. THANKS.
781
00:47:43,616 --> 00:47:45,816
HEY! HERE'S A FUN FACT:
782
00:47:45,818 --> 00:47:49,119
JAMES FRANCO
HAS A TINY DICK.
783
00:47:49,121 --> 00:47:51,689
YEAH, I SAID IT.
784
00:47:51,691 --> 00:47:53,323
JAMES'S DICK IS SO SMALL
785
00:47:53,325 --> 00:47:59,163
THAT I HAD TO SUCK IT
FOR, LIKE, THREE HOURS
JUST TO GET HIM HARD.
786
00:47:59,964 --> 00:48:01,665
AND THEN IT GOT WAY BIGGER.
787
00:48:01,667 --> 00:48:05,536
LIKE, SCARY BIG.
I WAS LIKE, "YOU WANT ME
TO DO WHAT WITH THAT?"
788
00:48:05,538 --> 00:48:10,140
ANYWAYS, HE RAILED ON ME
UP THE ASS, UP AND INSIDE
OF MY ASSHOLE
789
00:48:10,142 --> 00:48:14,044
WITH HIS GIGANTIC
"PLANET OF THE APES" COCK.
790
00:48:15,914 --> 00:48:16,714
HUH...
791
00:48:16,716 --> 00:48:18,082
JAMES IS SO BAD IN BED
792
00:48:18,084 --> 00:48:22,486
THAT HE DOESN'T EVEN
CLEAN HIS JIZZ OFF MY BACK
WHEN HE'S FINISHED.
793
00:48:22,488 --> 00:48:24,755
TALK ABOUT
CHIVALRY IS DEAD...
794
00:48:24,757 --> 00:48:28,092
A GENTLEMAN, SIR,
YOU ARE NOT!
795
00:48:29,027 --> 00:48:34,398
AHHH... YOU GUYS,
DON'T BE HOMOPHOBIC.
SERIOUSLY, IT'S 2005.
796
00:48:34,400 --> 00:48:36,700
GROW UP.
797
00:48:36,702 --> 00:48:38,535
HEY, JAMES,
KNOCK KNOCK.
798
00:48:38,537 --> 00:48:42,506
- WHO'S THERE?
- I THINK ABOUT YOU
WHEN I JERK OFF.
799
00:48:46,211 --> 00:48:49,780
HEY, GUYS, CAN YOU TRY
AND SETTLE DOWN OUT THERE?
800
00:48:49,782 --> 00:48:51,148
I'M TRYING TO ROAST UP HERE.
801
00:48:51,150 --> 00:48:55,552
I DON'T GO DOWN TO YOUR JOB
AND KNOCK JAMES FRANCO'S DICK
OUT OF MY MOUTH.
802
00:48:55,554 --> 00:48:58,355
YOU NEVER
TAKE ME ANYWHERE, JAMES!
803
00:48:59,924 --> 00:49:02,793
I SUCKED YOUR DICK, MAN!
804
00:49:09,768 --> 00:49:12,736
SO THESE ARE CLASSIC
ROAST JOKES.
805
00:49:12,738 --> 00:49:16,206
JEFF ROSS KNOWS
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
806
00:49:16,208 --> 00:49:19,042
YOU MELTING HIPPO.
LOOK...
807
00:49:20,044 --> 00:49:22,412
ALL I'M SAYING...
808
00:49:22,414 --> 00:49:24,615
ALL I'M SAYING IS THIS:
809
00:49:24,617 --> 00:49:26,784
JAMES HAS FORCE-FED ME
SO MUCH DICK
810
00:49:26,786 --> 00:49:29,119
THAT YOU CAN MAKE FOIE GRAS
OUT OF MY LIVER.
811
00:49:29,121 --> 00:49:30,921
THAT'S A FOODIE JOKE
ABOUT DICKS.
812
00:49:30,923 --> 00:49:34,291
YOU GUYS, THIS HAS BEEN GREAT.
LET'S ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS.
813
00:49:34,293 --> 00:49:37,895
AND, JAMES, YOU ARE A SUPER
STRANGE GUY AND I LIKE THAT.
814
00:49:37,897 --> 00:49:41,265
BECAUSE YOU'VE HAD
EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO BE
BORING AND YOU DIDN'T.
815
00:49:41,267 --> 00:49:45,736
SO CONGRATS.
AND CONGRATS TO ALL OF US
FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT
816
00:49:45,738 --> 00:49:48,872
AND BEING SO MEAN TO EACH OTHER,
BECAUSE IT'S A TRADITION
817
00:49:48,874 --> 00:49:52,109
AND WE'RE ALL TERRIFIED.
THANK YOU.
818
00:50:21,086 --> 00:50:21,819
- OUR NEXT ROASTER
819
00:50:21,821 --> 00:50:23,988
COULD HAVE BEEN
IN THE MOVIE "LIFE OF PI,"
820
00:50:23,990 --> 00:50:26,590
BUT PRODUCERS THOUGHT
THEY'D GET A BETTER PERFORMANCE
821
00:50:26,592 --> 00:50:29,093
OUT OF SOMEONE WHO'S
LITERALLY NEVER ACTED
822
00:50:29,095 --> 00:50:31,295
IN ANYTHING EVER
IN HIS WHOLE LIFE.
823
00:50:31,297 --> 00:50:34,098
PLEASE WELCOME AZIZ ANSARI.
824
00:50:34,100 --> 00:50:36,300
- ( applause )
825
00:50:40,438 --> 00:50:43,240
- THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYONE.
826
00:50:43,242 --> 00:50:43,907
THIS IS SO COOL.
827
00:50:43,909 --> 00:50:46,610
I'VE ACTUALLY NEVER DONE
ANY OF THESE ROASTS BEFORE.
828
00:50:46,612 --> 00:50:48,946
BUT HEY, THEY TOLD ME
THIS ROAST IS DIFFERENT.
829
00:50:48,948 --> 00:50:51,882
YOU KNOW,
THEY GOT A CONTEMPORARY
RELEVANT CELEBRITY,
830
00:50:51,884 --> 00:50:56,286
JAMES FRANCO, AND THEY GOT
HIS ACTUAL FRIENDS TO ROAST HIM.
831
00:50:56,288 --> 00:50:57,588
VERY COOL IDEA.
832
00:50:57,590 --> 00:50:58,822
IF THAT'S THE PLAN THOUGH,
833
00:50:58,824 --> 00:51:02,359
WHY AM I HERE?
I DON'T KNOW JAMES AT ALL.
834
00:51:02,361 --> 00:51:03,427
YOU GUYS SAW
"THIS IS THE END."
835
00:51:03,429 --> 00:51:07,431
I'VE BEEN UP HERE
LONGER THAN I WAS IN
"THIS IS THE END."
836
00:51:07,999 --> 00:51:11,235
THE FUNNIEST PART
OF "THIS IS THE END" TO ME
837
00:51:11,237 --> 00:51:13,137
IS IF JAMES ACTUALLY
HAD THAT PARTY,
838
00:51:13,139 --> 00:51:15,973
I DON'T THINK
I WOULD HAVE BEEN INVITED.
839
00:51:17,909 --> 00:51:20,177
NATASHA LEGGERO IS HERE.
840
00:51:20,179 --> 00:51:22,680
- ( scattered applause )
841
00:51:22,682 --> 00:51:25,449
- AND YES, NATASHA,
SOMETIMES IN MY SET,
842
00:51:25,451 --> 00:51:26,684
I DO YELL.
AND SO WOULD YOU
843
00:51:26,686 --> 00:51:29,586
IF YOU TOURED FOR MORE
THAN TENS OF PEOPLE.
844
00:51:33,458 --> 00:51:36,226
- YEAH!
- BUT NATASHA HAD
A FANTASTIC SET.
845
00:51:36,228 --> 00:51:37,828
IT'S... YEAH,
THAT WAS SO FUNNY.
846
00:51:37,830 --> 00:51:42,232
IT'S A SHAME SHE DIDN'T
SAY HER JOKES EIGHT TIMES
SLOWER THOUGH
847
00:51:42,234 --> 00:51:44,635
SO PEOPLE ACTUALLY HAD
A CHANCE TO CATCH IT
848
00:51:44,637 --> 00:51:47,104
WHEN THEY FAST-FORWARD HER
ON THEIR D.V.R.
849
00:51:47,106 --> 00:51:49,306
THIS IS MY IMPRESSION
OF NATASHA'S SET
850
00:51:49,308 --> 00:51:51,442
AS IT WILL BE SEEN
ON MOST TELEVISION SETS:
851
00:51:51,444 --> 00:51:53,544
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
NATASHA LEGGERO.
852
00:51:53,546 --> 00:51:54,678
( mimics fast-forwarding )
853
00:51:54,680 --> 00:51:57,314
THANK YOU SO MUCH, JAMES."
854
00:51:59,551 --> 00:52:02,252
JONAH HILL IS HERE.
855
00:52:02,254 --> 00:52:04,655
- ( applause )
- YES.
856
00:52:04,657 --> 00:52:08,525
I DO THINK ONE DAY JONAH
857
00:52:08,527 --> 00:52:10,160
WILL WIN AN OSCAR...
858
00:52:10,162 --> 00:52:12,996
MEYER HOT-DOG EATER
OF THE MILLENNIUM AWARD.
859
00:52:17,135 --> 00:52:18,936
LOOK THIS GUY IS A HUGE STAR.
860
00:52:18,938 --> 00:52:21,038
HE'S HANGING OUT
WITH THE BRAD PITTS
861
00:52:21,040 --> 00:52:23,307
AND THE LEONARDO DiCAPRIOS
OF THE WORLD.
862
00:52:23,309 --> 00:52:24,341
IF I WAS HANGING OUT
WITH THOSE GUYS,
863
00:52:24,343 --> 00:52:27,945
YOU THINK I'D STILL GET
BRUNCH WITH NICK KROLL?
864
00:52:27,947 --> 00:52:29,046
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
865
00:52:29,048 --> 00:52:30,781
THAT'S HOW SUCCESSFUL JONAH IS.
866
00:52:30,783 --> 00:52:32,750
HE HAD TO GET NEW FRIENDS.
867
00:52:32,752 --> 00:52:34,218
THAT'S MY NEW CAREER GOAL,
868
00:52:34,220 --> 00:52:36,787
TO NEVER SEE NICK KROLL AGAIN.
869
00:52:40,792 --> 00:52:42,659
SARAH SILVERMAN IS HERE.
870
00:52:43,862 --> 00:52:47,631
SOME OF THE GUYS HERE TONIGHT
REALLY TAKING ME TO TASK
871
00:52:47,633 --> 00:52:49,032
OVER ONE KANYE WEST JOKE
872
00:52:49,034 --> 00:52:50,968
I DID IN MY STAND-UP ACT
FIVE YEARS AGO.
873
00:52:50,970 --> 00:52:54,505
IF ANYONE WANTS TO MAKE FUN
OF ANY JOKES SARAH
DID FIVE YEARS AGO,
874
00:52:54,507 --> 00:52:57,541
PLEASE DON'T.
SHE'S STILL DOING THOSE JOKES.
875
00:53:02,213 --> 00:53:03,981
ALSO, I THINK IT'S SO COOL
876
00:53:03,983 --> 00:53:06,817
THAT SOME OF YOU GUYS
WERE ABLE TO TRAVEL BACK IN TIME
877
00:53:06,819 --> 00:53:11,054
TO 1995 FOR THOSE
INDIAN JOKES YOU DID.
878
00:53:11,056 --> 00:53:13,090
THAT'S SO COOL.
879
00:53:14,192 --> 00:53:15,893
MAN!
880
00:53:15,895 --> 00:53:19,329
THOSE STEREOTYPES
ARE SO OUTDATED.
881
00:53:19,331 --> 00:53:20,230
MY GOD.
882
00:53:20,232 --> 00:53:23,000
THERE'S MORE INDIAN DUDES
DOING SITCOMS
883
00:53:23,002 --> 00:53:24,868
THAN THERE ARE
RUNNING 7-ELEVENS.
884
00:53:24,870 --> 00:53:28,071
WE'RE STRAIGHT UP SNATCHING
ROLES FROM WHITE ACTORS.
885
00:53:28,073 --> 00:53:32,276
MY LAST THREE ROLES
WERE RANDY, CHET AND TOM.
886
00:53:41,119 --> 00:53:42,352
JEFF ROSS IS HERE...
887
00:53:42,354 --> 00:53:44,855
'CAUSE HE NEVER LEFT
SINCE THE LAST ROAST.
888
00:53:44,857 --> 00:53:47,991
HE HAS NOWHERE ELSE TO GO.
IT'S SO SAD.
889
00:53:47,993 --> 00:53:50,527
HE LIVES IN THE DRESSING ROOM.
890
00:53:50,529 --> 00:53:53,564
BUT HEY, JEFF IS REALLY GOOD
AT ROASTING, OKAY?
891
00:53:53,566 --> 00:53:56,366
EVEN IF THEY CANCELED
THE COMEDY CENTRAL ROAST,
892
00:53:56,368 --> 00:53:58,602
YOU'D STILL SEE JEFF OUT THERE
893
00:53:58,604 --> 00:54:00,103
SOMEWHERE ROASTING...
894
00:54:00,105 --> 00:54:02,673
A DEAD RAT OVER A GARBAGE FIRE
895
00:54:02,675 --> 00:54:03,540
BECAUSE HE'D BE HOMELESS
896
00:54:03,542 --> 00:54:06,910
AND HE'D NEED TO MAKE
A NICE DINNER THAT EVENING.
897
00:54:08,146 --> 00:54:10,547
I SAW JEFF AT THE COMEDY CLUB
THE OTHER NIGHT.
898
00:54:10,549 --> 00:54:11,748
A WOMAN COMES UP TO HIM
AND SAYS, "HEY,
899
00:54:11,750 --> 00:54:15,719
IF YOU'RE WHO I THINK YOU ARE,
I'M DEFINITELY SLEEPING
WITH YOU TONIGHT."
900
00:54:15,721 --> 00:54:18,155
AND HE GOES
"HELL YEAH, I'M JEFF ROSS."
901
00:54:18,157 --> 00:54:19,056
AND SHE GOES, "OOPS, SORRY.
902
00:54:19,058 --> 00:54:23,093
I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE MAIN ORC
FROM 'THE LORD OF THE RINGS.'"
903
00:54:29,400 --> 00:54:33,437
I WROTE THAT JOKE BEFORE
YOU DID THAT TO YOUR HAIR TOO.
904
00:54:37,275 --> 00:54:40,110
BUT WE'RE HERE
FOR JAMES FRANCO.
905
00:54:40,112 --> 00:54:42,112
YES.
- ( cheering )
906
00:54:42,947 --> 00:54:44,615
- SO MANY GAY JOKES TONIGHT.
907
00:54:44,617 --> 00:54:46,984
WOW, SO MANY
GAY JOKES ABOUT FRANCO.
908
00:54:46,986 --> 00:54:50,020
APPARENTLY IF YOU'RE CLEAN,
WELL-DRESSED
909
00:54:50,022 --> 00:54:52,689
AND MILDLY CULTURED
YOU'RE SUPER GAY NOW.
910
00:54:52,691 --> 00:54:54,725
IS THAT WHY
THE REST OF YOU GUYS
911
00:54:54,727 --> 00:54:58,061
ARE SO AGGRESSIVELY
FAT AND DIRTY?
912
00:54:58,930 --> 00:55:01,298
YOU THINK IF YOU READ ONE BOOK
AND TAKE A SHOWER,
913
00:55:01,300 --> 00:55:04,401
DICKS ARE JUST GONNA
FLY INTO YOUR FACE?
914
00:55:11,242 --> 00:55:14,011
FRANCO, I DON'T KNOW
YOU THAT WELL,
915
00:55:14,013 --> 00:55:15,212
BUT I'M GLAD
YOU HAD ME HERE.
916
00:55:15,214 --> 00:55:18,415
AND LATER TONIGHT,
I'M LOOKING FORWARD
TO YOU COMING UP HERE
917
00:55:18,417 --> 00:55:20,784
AND DOING WHAT YOU DO BEST...
BEING MILDLY FUNNY
918
00:55:20,786 --> 00:55:23,353
READING MATERIAL SETH ROGEN
HAS WRITTEN FOR YOU.
919
00:55:23,355 --> 00:55:25,656
THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH.
920
00:55:52,267 --> 00:55:56,804
- ALL RIGHT, OUR NEXT ROASTER
VERY CLEVERLY CAME DRESSED
921
00:55:56,806 --> 00:55:59,207
AS ONE OF THE CHARACTERS
FROM JAMES'S FILMS.
922
00:55:59,209 --> 00:56:04,378
HERE HE IS DRESSED
AS THE HOT-AIR BALLOON FROM
"OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL,"
923
00:56:04,380 --> 00:56:07,048
JEFFREY ROSS!
924
00:56:15,257 --> 00:56:17,258
- WHOA-OH-OH!
925
00:56:17,260 --> 00:56:19,460
HOW YOU GUYS DOIN'?
926
00:56:20,996 --> 00:56:23,197
I LOVE IT.
WHAT AN EPIC NIGHT!
927
00:56:23,199 --> 00:56:28,336
FIRST OFF, I'D LIKE TO THANK
MY NIECE SETH ROGEN
FOR HOSTING.
928
00:56:28,737 --> 00:56:33,407
OH MAN! I SAW
YOUR MALL COP MOVIE.
WHAT WAS IT CALLED?
929
00:56:33,409 --> 00:56:36,077
- "OBSERVE AND REPORT."
- YEAH.
930
00:56:36,979 --> 00:56:40,848
IT MADE ME REALIZE
HOW FUNNY KEVIN JAMES IS.
931
00:56:44,853 --> 00:56:47,822
HOW MANY PEOPLE SAW
"THIS IS THE END"?
932
00:56:47,824 --> 00:56:49,991
- ( cheering )
933
00:56:49,993 --> 00:56:51,559
- AWESOME MOVIE.
934
00:56:51,561 --> 00:56:54,862
I LOVED ALL YOU GUYS
IN "THIS IS THE END."
I REALLY DID.
935
00:56:54,864 --> 00:56:56,964
YOU PLAYED YOURSELVES,
THAT WAS SO COOL.
936
00:56:56,966 --> 00:56:58,933
HOW'D YOU GUYS YOU GET
INTO CHARACTER ON SET?
937
00:56:58,935 --> 00:57:04,205
DID THEY PASS OUT
SMOOTHIES THAT TASTE LIKE
JUDD APATOW'S ASSHOLE?
938
00:57:09,378 --> 00:57:12,813
LOOK AT THESE FAT GUYS LAUGHING.
I LOVE IT.
939
00:57:14,650 --> 00:57:16,951
IN "THIS IS THE END,"
JONAH HILL GETS RAPED
940
00:57:16,953 --> 00:57:20,087
BY A DEMON
WITH A BIG BLACK COCK!
941
00:57:20,089 --> 00:57:22,857
THE COCK DIDN'T HAVE
TO BE BIG OR BLACK,
942
00:57:22,859 --> 00:57:26,761
BUT YOU KNOW
JONAH WITH HIS DEMANDS.
943
00:57:34,603 --> 00:57:36,270
ACTUALLY JONAH ALMOST
COULDN'T MAKE IT TONIGHT
944
00:57:36,272 --> 00:57:42,243
BECAUSE HE HAD TROUBLE
FINDING A TUXEDO THAT CHANGED
IN SIZES EVERY THREE HOURS.
945
00:57:43,845 --> 00:57:45,479
OOH!
946
00:57:47,249 --> 00:57:48,716
JONAH, YOU'RE
AN AMAZING TALENT.
947
00:57:48,718 --> 00:57:52,353
I LOVE YOU
AS THE KU KLUX KLAN GUY
IN "DJANGO UNCHAINED."
948
00:57:52,355 --> 00:57:58,025
THAT WAS A GREAT ROLE.
YOU SHOULD WEAR A SHEET OVER
YOUR FACE IN EVERY MOVIE.
949
00:57:58,994 --> 00:58:02,129
WHAT WAS THAT,
A CALIFORNIA KING?
950
00:58:04,599 --> 00:58:07,001
IT WAS BIG.
951
00:58:09,304 --> 00:58:12,907
WHEN JONAH'S AGENT TOLD HIM
THAT QUENTIN TARANTINO
952
00:58:12,909 --> 00:58:15,109
WANTED HIM TO BE
IN A SPAGHETTI WESTERN,
953
00:58:15,111 --> 00:58:18,679
JONAH WAS LIKE,
"YOU HAD ME AT SPAGHETTI."
954
00:58:20,515 --> 00:58:22,550
JONAH HILL!
955
00:58:25,554 --> 00:58:28,222
JONAH HILL...
956
00:58:29,758 --> 00:58:31,525
WHAT'S THAT?
- SPAGHETTI WESTERN.
957
00:58:31,527 --> 00:58:33,094
- SPAGHETTI WESTERN.
YOU LIKE THAT?
958
00:58:33,096 --> 00:58:36,530
- I LIKE THAT.
- I LOVE YOU, JONAH.
YOU'RE A GOOD GUY.
959
00:58:36,532 --> 00:58:37,898
- I FUCKING LOVE YOU, DUDE.
960
00:58:37,900 --> 00:58:40,634
- GREAT TO SEE SARAH SILVERMAN.
SHE'S THE GREATEST.
961
00:58:40,636 --> 00:58:44,472
SO FUNNY TONIGHT.
YOU'RE LIKE A SISTER TO ME.
962
00:58:44,806 --> 00:58:47,208
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU,
SARAH, FOR YOUR SUCCESS
963
00:58:47,210 --> 00:58:50,745
IN THE ANIMATED MOVIE.
ANYBODY SEE "WRECK-IT RALPH"?
964
00:58:50,747 --> 00:58:51,846
WOW.
965
00:58:51,848 --> 00:58:54,248
WHICH IS WHAT GUYS
DO TO YOUR PUSSY.
966
00:58:54,250 --> 00:58:57,184
THEY WRECK IT,
THEN THEY RALPH.
967
00:59:06,528 --> 00:59:09,830
BILL HADER.
HOLY MACKEREL, SO HILARIOUS.
968
00:59:09,832 --> 00:59:11,599
THAT WAS GREAT.
969
00:59:15,237 --> 00:59:20,441
TOO BAD YOU CAN'T DO
AN IMPRESSION OF A GUY
WITH TWO EQUALLY SIZED EYES.
970
00:59:21,643 --> 00:59:24,545
MAN! LOOK AT THAT!
GET A CLOSE-UP!
971
00:59:25,814 --> 00:59:27,048
I'VE HEARD OF A LAZY EYE,
972
00:59:27,050 --> 00:59:29,784
BUT THAT LEFT ONE'S
COLLECTING UNEMPLOYMENT.
973
00:59:35,690 --> 00:59:39,293
AZIZ, I WANTED TO MAKE SOME
JOKES ABOUT YOU BOMBING TONIGHT,
974
00:59:39,295 --> 00:59:43,097
BUT YOU WERE SO GODDAMN FUNNY
I CAN'T AND, UH...
975
00:59:46,134 --> 00:59:48,235
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, AZIZ,
YOU WERE HIL...
976
00:59:48,237 --> 00:59:51,639
( ululates )
...LARIOUS.
977
00:59:57,145 --> 01:00:01,816
AZIZ HAS BEEN CHARMING AUDIENCES
AND SNAKES FOR YEARS.
978
01:00:05,554 --> 01:00:08,389
AND I GUESS YOU'RE HERE
TONIGHT BECAUSE NOW THAT KANYE
979
01:00:08,391 --> 01:00:11,592
HAD A REAL BABY,
HE DOESN'T NEED YOU ANYMORE.
980
01:00:14,896 --> 01:00:16,697
HOW YA DOIN', FRANCO?
981
01:00:16,699 --> 01:00:19,800
YOU LOOK LIKE JOHNNY DEPP
WITH LUPUS.
982
01:00:22,537 --> 01:00:27,441
DOES RYAN GOSLING EVER CALL YOU,
START LAUGHING AND THEN HANG UP?
983
01:00:32,581 --> 01:00:36,016
FRANCO IS HALF ITALIAN
AND HALF-ASLEEP.
984
01:00:38,987 --> 01:00:43,824
HOW ABOUT A HAND FOR JAMES'S
GRANDMA, 91 YEARS OLD.
985
01:00:45,026 --> 01:00:48,129
BEAUTIFUL. LOOK AT HER!
986
01:00:48,131 --> 01:00:49,597
WOW!
987
01:00:54,669 --> 01:00:58,038
"127 HOURS" IS
HOW LONG SHE HAS LEFT.
988
01:00:58,040 --> 01:01:00,941
- ( crowd moans )
989
01:01:06,781 --> 01:01:09,216
- GET HIM, GRANDMA.
GET HIM.
990
01:01:09,218 --> 01:01:11,285
GET HIM!
991
01:01:12,053 --> 01:01:14,855
- OH... OH, FRANCO.
992
01:01:15,991 --> 01:01:18,459
FRANCO COMES
FROM HUMBLE BEGINNINGS, RIGHT?
993
01:01:18,461 --> 01:01:20,494
YOUR FIRST JOB WAS WORKING
AT McDONALD'S.
994
01:01:20,496 --> 01:01:25,399
IT WAS THE LAST TIME ANYBODY
EVER SAID ABOUT YOUR WORK,
"I'M LOVIN' IT."
995
01:01:28,203 --> 01:01:30,404
OH. AND BECAUSE
YOU'RE AN ACADEMIC
996
01:01:30,406 --> 01:01:32,907
I TREATED THIS ROAST LIKE
A RESEARCH PROJECT.
997
01:01:32,909 --> 01:01:35,342
I WATCHED ALL YOUR FILMS.
I READ YOUR POETRY.
998
01:01:35,344 --> 01:01:39,980
I EVEN HAVE
ONE OF YOUR PAINTINGS
HANGING IN MY FIRE PIT.
999
01:01:40,348 --> 01:01:43,717
YOU KNOW, FRANCO,
PERSONALLY I DON'T CARE
IF YOU FUCK GUYS OR FUCK GIRLS.
1000
01:01:43,719 --> 01:01:49,523
ALL I KNOW IS YOU FUCKED ME
OUT OF 12 BUCKS WHEN I WENT
TO SEE THAT WIZARD OF OZ MOVIE.
1001
01:01:50,959 --> 01:01:53,494
THE WHOLE TIME I WAS
IN THE THEATER I WAS THINKIN',
1002
01:01:53,496 --> 01:01:56,463
"THERE'S NO PLACE
LIKE HOME."
1003
01:01:58,400 --> 01:02:00,134
BUT, FRANCO, I'M REALLY
LOOKING FORWARD
1004
01:02:00,136 --> 01:02:03,771
TO YOU MUMBLING YOUR REBUTTAL
AT THE END OF THE SHOW.
1005
01:02:04,272 --> 01:02:06,073
ARE YOU READY
TO BRING IT, FRANCO?
1006
01:02:06,075 --> 01:02:10,544
LET'S HOPE YOU...
THAT'S GOOD. I'M PSYCHED.
1007
01:02:11,780 --> 01:02:14,582
LET'S HOPE YOU BRING
SOME OF THAT RAZOR-SHARP WIT
1008
01:02:14,584 --> 01:02:16,917
YOU BROUGHT
TO THE OSCARS.
1009
01:02:17,252 --> 01:02:20,721
YOU WERE A WORSE HOST
THAN THE AIDS MONKEY.
1010
01:02:25,060 --> 01:02:26,427
FACE IT, FRANCO,
YOU AND ANNE HATHAWAY
1011
01:02:26,429 --> 01:02:31,498
HAD THE COMEDIC
CHEMISTRY OF TRAYVON MARTIN
AND GEORGE ZIMMERMAN.
1012
01:02:35,704 --> 01:02:38,239
ANYWAY, FRANCO,
I REALLY DO ADMIRE YOU
1013
01:02:38,241 --> 01:02:40,541
BECAUSE YOU'RE
A CREATIVE RISK-TAKER
1014
01:02:40,543 --> 01:02:43,077
DURING A TIME WHEN THE WORLD
NEEDS MORE OF THAT.
1015
01:02:43,079 --> 01:02:46,413
SO I WISH YOU
CONTINUED SUCCESS AND...
1016
01:02:47,716 --> 01:02:48,983
I HOPE I WASN'T
TOO MEAN TONIGHT
1017
01:02:48,985 --> 01:02:53,020
BECAUSE MY GIRLFRIEND AND I
BOTH WANNA FUCK YOU
AFTER THE SHOW.
1018
01:02:53,022 --> 01:02:55,789
ALL RIGHT,
GOOD LUCK, BUDDY.
1019
01:02:57,559 --> 01:03:00,561
- ( instrumental music playing )
1020
01:03:30,138 --> 01:03:34,040
- ALL RIGHT! IT IS TIME
FOR THE MAN OF THE HOUR.
1021
01:03:34,042 --> 01:03:36,810
GET READY.
ARE YOU READY?
1022
01:03:36,812 --> 01:03:40,280
HE'S BEEN SITTING HERE
FOR HOURS SQUIRMING,
1023
01:03:40,282 --> 01:03:42,249
WAITING FOR THIS TO END.
1024
01:03:42,251 --> 01:03:44,217
SO NOW HE KNOWS
HOW WE FEEL WHEN WE WATCH
1025
01:03:44,219 --> 01:03:47,487
ONE OF HIS PIECE-OF-SHIT
INDEPENDENT MOVIES.
1026
01:03:48,156 --> 01:03:52,058
PLEASE WELCOME UP
MY GOOD BUDDY JAMES FRANCO.
1027
01:03:52,060 --> 01:03:54,561
- * JAMES FRANCO
1028
01:03:55,363 --> 01:03:58,865
* JAMES FRANCO,
JAMES FRANCO *
1029
01:04:00,968 --> 01:04:03,470
* I SAY JAMES,
Y'ALL SAY FRANCO *
1030
01:04:03,472 --> 01:04:05,605
* JAMES FRANCO,
JAMES FRANCO *
1031
01:04:05,607 --> 01:04:07,841
* I SAY JAMES,
Y'ALL SAY FRANCO *
1032
01:04:07,843 --> 01:04:09,810
* JAMES FRANCO,
JAMES FRANCO *
1033
01:04:09,812 --> 01:04:14,014
- * FRANCO, FRANCO...
- THANK YOU.
1034
01:04:17,151 --> 01:04:20,353
I DO THINK THIS...
THIS IS TRULY MY PUNISHMENT
1035
01:04:20,355 --> 01:04:22,455
FOR THE OSCARS.
1036
01:04:22,457 --> 01:04:25,192
AMERICA AND THE REST
OF THE WORLD
1037
01:04:25,194 --> 01:04:28,862
CAN HAVE A CATHARTIC MOMENT
AFTER THIS AIRS.
1038
01:04:28,864 --> 01:04:31,498
AND I WANNA
THANK EVERYBODY HERE.
THANK YOU FOR COMING.
1039
01:04:31,500 --> 01:04:33,567
I HAD NO IDEA WHAT
YOU WERE GONNA BE INTO.
1040
01:04:33,569 --> 01:04:35,302
AND, JONAH, THANK YOU
MOST OF ALL! I...
1041
01:04:35,304 --> 01:04:38,805
WHEN YOU SAID YES,
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT
YOU WERE GONNA BE
1042
01:04:38,807 --> 01:04:42,108
LISTENING TO THESE JOKES
FOR TWO HOUR...
1043
01:04:42,110 --> 01:04:45,846
I HAD NO IDEA
WHAT A FRIEND YOU ARE.
1044
01:04:46,514 --> 01:04:50,116
- I LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU, JONAH.
THANK YOU.
1045
01:04:51,619 --> 01:04:52,986
I AGREED TO DO THIS ROAST
1046
01:04:52,988 --> 01:04:56,957
BECAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO DO
SOMETHING I'D NEVER DONE BEFORE,
1047
01:04:56,959 --> 01:05:00,160
SOMETHING THAT HAS
ZERO ARTISTIC VALUE,
1048
01:05:00,162 --> 01:05:04,464
SOMETHING NOBODY WILL REMEMBER
THREE MONTHS FROM NOW,
1049
01:05:04,466 --> 01:05:07,334
SOMETHING THAT'S OFFENSIVE,
HOMOPHOBIC,
1050
01:05:07,336 --> 01:05:10,003
STARS HORRIFICALLY
UNTALENTED PEOPLE,
1051
01:05:10,005 --> 01:05:12,105
AND SOMETHING
THAT'S ONLY A BIG DEAL
1052
01:05:12,107 --> 01:05:15,642
TO A HANDFUL
OF TEENAGE STONERS
ON TWITTER.
1053
01:05:16,811 --> 01:05:22,449
NOW YOU MIGHT SAY,
"BUT, JAMES, DIDN'T YOU
JUST DESCRIBE 'YOUR HIGHNESS'?"
1054
01:05:23,117 --> 01:05:26,920
I WOULDN'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T SEE "YOUR HIGHNESS."
1055
01:05:29,023 --> 01:05:31,424
AND YOU KNOW WHY I DIDN'T
SEE "YOUR HIGHNESS"?
1056
01:05:31,426 --> 01:05:34,094
BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY
WORKING, CREATING,
1057
01:05:34,096 --> 01:05:37,163
WRITING POETRY, PAINTING,
MAKING INDEPENDENT FILMS
1058
01:05:37,165 --> 01:05:41,635
AND BUILDING PSYCHO-SEXUAL
EDIBLE BIRDHOUSES.
1059
01:05:43,437 --> 01:05:47,374
AND DESPITE ALL
OF MY AMAZING, INSPIRING WORK,
1060
01:05:47,376 --> 01:05:49,576
I'VE HAD TO SIT HERE,
1061
01:05:49,578 --> 01:05:52,946
LISTEN TO YOU GUYS LAUNCH
VICIOUS ATTACKS AT ME,
1062
01:05:52,948 --> 01:05:57,384
AND ALL OF THEM ARE
COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED.
1063
01:05:57,919 --> 01:06:01,388
YOU'RE GONNA SAY
I SUCKED AT THE OSCARS.
1064
01:06:02,089 --> 01:06:04,858
I WAS A GENIUS
1065
01:06:04,860 --> 01:06:07,294
AT THE OSCARS.
1066
01:06:08,863 --> 01:06:12,899
THAT WAS EXPERIMENTAL
TUXEDO-SLEEP-ART.
1067
01:06:18,205 --> 01:06:21,107
NOW YOU'RE GONNA SAY
I'M A PRETTY BOY.
1068
01:06:21,109 --> 01:06:24,411
- ( cheers )
1069
01:06:25,780 --> 01:06:29,316
- AND YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW PAINFUL THAT IS.
1070
01:06:29,750 --> 01:06:32,852
I'M ALWAYS TYPECAST
AS THE SAME GUY...
1071
01:06:32,854 --> 01:06:35,021
YOU KNOW,
THE HANDSOME WIZARD
1072
01:06:35,023 --> 01:06:37,324
AND HANDSOME METH DEALER
1073
01:06:37,326 --> 01:06:41,461
AND THE HANDSOME
CLUMSY AMPUTEE HIKER.
1074
01:06:46,233 --> 01:06:48,068
JUST ONCE I'D LIKE TO PLAY
1075
01:06:48,070 --> 01:06:52,339
SOME OF THE DIVERSE ROLES
THAT NICK KROLL GETS, LIKE...
1076
01:06:52,341 --> 01:06:55,041
THE RAT-FACED ATTORNEY,
1077
01:06:55,043 --> 01:06:59,079
OR THE RAT-FACED MAITRE D',
1078
01:06:59,081 --> 01:07:03,350
OR THE RAT-FACED
CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL DOCTOR.
1079
01:07:05,453 --> 01:07:07,821
AND YOU'RE GONNA
SAY I'M EFFEMINATE
1080
01:07:07,823 --> 01:07:11,191
JUST BECAUSE I FEEL COMFORTABLE
IN A FLOWING BALL GOWN.
1081
01:07:11,193 --> 01:07:14,327
I MEAN, IF I'M WEARING
THE HIGH HEELS,
1082
01:07:14,329 --> 01:07:17,831
HOW AM I NOT GONNA WEAR
A BEAUTIFUL GOWN?
1083
01:07:19,100 --> 01:07:22,135
AND I KNOW THAT I LOOK
TERRIFIC AS A WOMAN.
1084
01:07:22,137 --> 01:07:24,371
AND I'M CERTAINLY DOING
A BETTER JOB OF IT
1085
01:07:24,373 --> 01:07:28,375
THAN THAT GUY OVER THERE
DRESSED AS SARAH SILVERMAN.
1086
01:07:31,912 --> 01:07:34,547
NOW SETH WAS REALLY
HILARIOUS TONIGHT,
1087
01:07:34,549 --> 01:07:39,319
BUT THE JOKES SUGGESTING
THAT I WAS GAY...
1088
01:07:39,321 --> 01:07:41,988
COMING FROM YOU, SETH...
1089
01:07:43,290 --> 01:07:45,692
IT REALLY HURTS!
BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME
1090
01:07:45,694 --> 01:07:48,661
OF THE TIME ON THE SET
OF "PINEAPPLE EXPRESS"
1091
01:07:48,663 --> 01:07:51,998
WHEN SETH ROGEN
TRIED TO RAPE ME.
1092
01:07:54,869 --> 01:07:57,704
FORCED HIS WAY
INTO MY DRESSING ROOM,
1093
01:07:57,706 --> 01:08:00,473
BLEW POT SMOKE INTO MY MOUTH
1094
01:08:00,475 --> 01:08:05,712
P... AND HE PINNED ME
BENEATH HIS SWEATY,
1095
01:08:05,714 --> 01:08:07,847
HEAVING, SHLUBBY BODY.
1096
01:08:07,849 --> 01:08:13,086
LUCKILY HE WAS DISTRACTED
BY THE SOUND OF AN ICE-CREAM
TRUCK OUTSIDE...
1097
01:08:13,854 --> 01:08:16,456
AND I MANAGED
TO BREAK FREE.
1098
01:08:16,824 --> 01:08:20,927
BUT, SETH, THE INCIDENT
DID INSPIRE MY LATEST
PAINTING ENTITLED
1099
01:08:20,929 --> 01:08:24,931
"SETH ROGEN IS
A GAY STONER RAPIST."
1100
01:08:27,568 --> 01:08:29,869
NOW YOU SAY YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND MY MOVIES?
1101
01:08:29,871 --> 01:08:31,905
WELL, I DON'T UNDERSTAND
MY MOVIES.
1102
01:08:31,907 --> 01:08:34,007
IN "OZ," I WAS FOLLOWED
AROUND THE WHOLE TIME
1103
01:08:34,009 --> 01:08:37,110
BY AN EXCITABLE LITTLE MONKEY
DRESSED LIKE A BELLBOY.
1104
01:08:37,112 --> 01:08:39,979
WHY WAS HE DRESSED
LIKE A BELLBOY?
1105
01:08:39,981 --> 01:08:41,781
WELL, WHAT AM I
ASKING YOU FOR?
1106
01:08:41,783 --> 01:08:45,018
AZIZ, WHY WERE YOU
DRESSED LIKE A BELLBOY?
1107
01:08:48,389 --> 01:08:50,990
ALL RIGHT, SO YOU GUYS
THINK I'M PRETENTIOUS.
1108
01:08:50,992 --> 01:08:55,628
WELL, JAMES FRANCO ADDRESSED
JAMES FRANCO BEING PRETENTIOUS
1109
01:08:55,630 --> 01:08:58,631
IN HIS BOOK "JAMES FRANCO."
1110
01:09:03,170 --> 01:09:07,240
BUT IT'S... ( snickers )
BUT IT'S NOT JUST ME.
1111
01:09:08,142 --> 01:09:10,443
LOOK AT HOW FULL OF HIMSELF
1112
01:09:10,445 --> 01:09:14,481
JONAH'S BECOME SINCE
HIS OSCAR NOMINATION.
1113
01:09:16,150 --> 01:09:17,684
DON'T FORGET
WHERE YOU CAME FROM, PAL.
1114
01:09:17,686 --> 01:09:21,354
SURE, YOU'RE
BUDDIES WITH BRAD PITT
AND CHANNING TATUM,
1115
01:09:21,356 --> 01:09:26,292
BUT I WAS YOUR FIRST
HANDSOME FRIEND.
1116
01:09:27,661 --> 01:09:31,664
BEFORE YOU GET
TOO COCKY, REMEMBER, I WAS
THERE IN "THIS IS THE END"
1117
01:09:31,666 --> 01:09:35,468
WHEN YOU WERE GETTING BRUTALLY
ASS-RAMMED BY THAT DEMON.
1118
01:09:35,470 --> 01:09:39,139
WE BOTH KNOW
THE ONLY WAY THE DEMON
COULD KEEP HIS ERECTION
1119
01:09:39,141 --> 01:09:42,909
WAS BECAUSE HE WAS
THINKING ABOUT ME.
1120
01:09:44,345 --> 01:09:46,980
SO ALL NIGHT I'VE HAD
TO SIT HERE AND LISTEN
TO EVERYONE'S JOKES,
1121
01:09:46,982 --> 01:09:52,652
PRETENDING TO BE AMUSED
BY THEM, BUT IN REALITY
THE JOKE'S ON ALL OF YOU.
1122
01:09:54,255 --> 01:09:56,856
THIS IS NOT A ROAST.
1123
01:09:56,858 --> 01:09:59,125
THIS IS MY GREATEST,
1124
01:09:59,127 --> 01:10:03,096
MOST ELABORATE
ART INSTALLATION EVER.
1125
01:10:09,670 --> 01:10:11,838
I'M NOT THE REAL
GUEST OF HONOR
1126
01:10:11,840 --> 01:10:13,573
AND THESE AREN'T
REAL COMEDIANS
1127
01:10:13,575 --> 01:10:17,177
AND WE'RE NOT EVEN
ON A REAL NETWORK.
1128
01:10:18,179 --> 01:10:21,848
WHAT YOU'VE SEEN TONIGHT
WAS MY BRILLIANT OPUS...
1129
01:10:21,850 --> 01:10:24,350
TO SEQUESTER
AN ARTISTIC VISIONARY
1130
01:10:24,352 --> 01:10:27,053
AND SUBJECT HIM TO THE MINDLESS
INCOHERENT TRASHINGS
1131
01:10:27,055 --> 01:10:32,058
OF A SCATTERING OF MISCREATED,
TALENTLESS ABNORMALITIES.
1132
01:10:32,526 --> 01:10:35,962
I CALL IT
"GENIUS UNSCATHED"
1133
01:10:35,964 --> 01:10:38,998
AND THIS IS
MY MASTERPIECE.
1134
01:10:43,337 --> 01:10:46,973
THERE'S ONLY
ONE THING MISSING...
1135
01:10:46,975 --> 01:10:49,943
MY SIGNATURE.
1136
01:11:02,690 --> 01:11:05,925
THAT SAYS,
"JAMES FRANCO, BITCHES."
1137
01:11:08,729 --> 01:11:11,331
THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT!
1138
01:11:12,132 --> 01:11:13,099
- * FRANCO, FRANCO
1139
01:11:13,101 --> 01:11:15,468
* FRA-FRA-FRANCO,
JAMES FRANCO *
1140
01:11:15,470 --> 01:11:16,836
* JAMES FRANCO, FRANCO
1141
01:11:16,838 --> 01:11:19,339
* FRA-FRA-FRANCO,
JAMES FRANCO... *
1142
01:11:19,341 --> 01:11:20,540
- THANKS, BROTHER.
- YEAH.
1143
01:11:20,542 --> 01:11:22,008
- THANKS AGAIN.
- GREAT JOB, BUDDY.
1144
01:11:22,010 --> 01:11:23,009
AWESOME, HILARIOUS.
- THANK YOU.
1145
01:11:23,011 --> 01:11:25,778
- NOW I'M GOING TO BURNING MAN.
- ARE YOU REALLY?
1146
01:11:25,780 --> 01:11:27,080
- YEAH.
- GODDAMN IT.
1147
01:11:27,082 --> 01:11:28,815
GODDAMN IT,
I ACTUALLY LOVE YOU.
1148
01:11:28,817 --> 01:11:30,350
- YOU'RE A REAL FRIEND.
- YEAH, I AM,
1149
01:11:30,352 --> 01:11:32,885
AND I LOVE YOU.
- THANK YOU FOR BEING
A GOOD SPORT.
1150
01:11:32,887 --> 01:11:34,721
YOU'RE SO SWEET.
- I LAUGHED A LOT, MAN.
1151
01:11:34,723 --> 01:11:35,888
- THAT WAS FUN, DUDE.
- YOU GUYS WERE GREAT.
1152
01:11:35,890 --> 01:11:37,523
- ( kisses ) AH.
- EVERYBODY WAS GOOD.
1153
01:11:37,525 --> 01:11:40,760
- THAT WAS AWESOME, MAN.
YOU DID SUCH A GOOD JOB, MAN.
1154
01:11:40,762 --> 01:11:42,795
- YOU'RE SO GREAT, SARAH.
THAT WAS SO FUNNY.
1155
01:11:42,797 --> 01:11:44,797
- YOU ARE TOO. IT WAS SO FUN.
- YOU'RE SO AWESOME.
1156
01:11:44,799 --> 01:11:46,899
- IT WAS ONE OF THE BEST ROASTS
I EVER SAW.
1157
01:11:46,901 --> 01:11:50,470
- I WANT THIS PICTURE.
- A NIGHT TO REMEMBER.
1158
01:11:52,840 --> 01:11:53,606
- THANKS FOR COMING OUT.
1159
01:11:53,608 --> 01:11:54,841
- HEY, NO PROBLEM, BUDDY.
- GREAT JOB, MAN.
1160
01:11:54,843 --> 01:11:58,278
- THANKS FOR COMING OUT.
- YOU'RE A FUCKING GOOD SPORT
FOR ALL OF THIS.
1161
01:11:58,280 --> 01:12:00,280
- THANK YOU, BROTHER.
- THANKS, MAN. NO PROBLEM.
1162
01:12:00,282 --> 01:12:01,080
- YOU GUYS WERE GREAT.
1163
01:12:01,082 --> 01:12:02,448
YOU GUYS WERE GREAT.
YOU GUYS WERE PROS.
1164
01:12:02,450 --> 01:12:05,551
YOU'RE A PRO, BROTHER.
- EVERYONE WAS SOLID.
1165
01:12:05,553 --> 01:12:08,221
EVERYBODY WAS
GREAT AND DIFFERENT.
1166
01:12:08,223 --> 01:12:09,355
- GOOD NIGHT, DARLINGS.
1167
01:12:09,357 --> 01:12:12,759
- THANK YOU SO MUCH, JAMES.
THAT WAS FUN. BYE.
1168
01:12:12,761 --> 01:12:13,826
- GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
1169
01:12:13,828 --> 01:12:13,859
- EVERYBODY WAS FUNNY.
EVERYBODY TOOK IT WELL, AND...
117069
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